Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2014 17:33:19 GMT -5
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Post by Seifer Black on May 24, 2014 18:08:16 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 24, 2014 19:03:51 GMT -5
RP: The Kings Shall Fall
Handler: Stacy Jones
Overview thoughts: Stacy has a simple promo with a simple message that comes across effectively
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 4
Character Development: 3
Shoot: 3
Flow: 4
Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Critical Review:
Well I'm given a very short promo to read, especially as far as PPV material is concerned. Nothing wrong with that in the least; it's actually refreshing. I read this promo and see that minimal ground is covered. Your first scene gave us a little bit more into your managers backstory, as simple and cliche as it is. Dead / missing parents, bad childhood and Run away. It's like I've been playing mad libs with the same ten words for the past decade and a half now. Thats not really your fault but its chliche none the less. Theres nothing riveting about that kind of back story. However the character development really comes in the second scene when Stacy talks about her morals and divorcing Matt.
Scene Description: it's a 4. You did very well. Theres nothing more i can add for you to improve that.
Character Development: Pretty much see the above stated. I dont like to really down grade CD related material too much because thats handlers choice, so Average marks for something that was there.
Shoot: You flipped flopped on your shoot. One hand your are somewhat aggressive with your speech and on the other, you're praising your opponents for being a good tag team. Now that wouldnt be a problem if you respected the team as people but as you've stated, you hate ZMAC and you're trying to reach out to DLO. While that part is good development, its not good shoot. The promo seemed defensive with out any new material offered up on your part.
You try and take the aura away from them by saying anyone can beat anyone. Streaks are meant to be broken. You mention the people that you beat and whose beaten you but then later you try and make yourself and Marina out to be the better team but I've already read that you're easy to beat, how can you justify the oppisite? The whole shoot aspect just felt like you were trying hard to refute what they said about you rather than effectively shoot on them.
Flow: I gave you a 4. I found myself stopped at a few points and didnt read right on through. I didnt have the urge to do so. I didnt feel as engaged as I know I could be in your work so that kept you from a 5 but other than that, nothing with in the promo style wise kept me from reading
Suggestions:
- It's called shoot, not shield. There's a difference between a rebuttal and just defense. The defense shows a lack of confidence in many areas and thats not something you want. Be assertive with your match talk and get your points across
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2014 19:14:11 GMT -5
Yeah I completely agree with you on that, I honestly struggled with this one and unlike my RP from last week, rather than being able to get heavily involved in writing it and allowing it to flow through me and come out into my writing as fluid as last week's did, I found I couldn't do that with this one.
As always, thanks for the feedback, hopefully I can bounce back and get into the flow of my next one.
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Post by Steve Orbit on May 24, 2014 19:25:12 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2014 19:40:28 GMT -5
Based off the previous feedback, I tried to use this week to a kinda short "backhistory" of everything to provide a timeline and attempt to clarify who is what with a why and a when - this could well have been a terrible idea lol, but I tried  So, greatly appreciated x wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/20672/all-lived |
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 24, 2014 19:57:08 GMT -5
OK so the order will be:
Seifer
Doc
Alice
Orbit
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 24, 2014 20:18:11 GMT -5
RP: The End of My Days? The End of Orbits Reign?
Handler: Seifer
Overview thoughts: Seifer turns his act around and delivers the goods
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 5
Character Development: 4
Shoot: 4
Flow: 4
Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Critical Review:
Seifer takes my advice and its a night and day difference. This promo is a mile and half above the first rp for Asesinato De Mayo. Now we're hitting on some championship territory. There is no glaring issues in this promo, there's nothing that I can pull out as a major flaw or downfall. You even took the house show thing and worked it out in your favor, I liked that; nothing felt disconnected. Seifer felt a lot stronger, he came off as more a contender but still I feel he's definitely the challenger in the match still. However, now it feels like Seifer may have a chance. You did a great job in all categories so I'm not going to break them down as you really dont need anything to work on. This is just what you did better ( much better ) then your last RP.
Your shoot puts Orbit on defense because he has 2 options:
1. refute it
2. side step it.
As of right now I havent read Orbits rp so I cant give any in seight to that but knowing him I'm sure he put you on blast with some comedy. So this promo connects with the audience that Seifer should be in the main event getting his title shot as he earned it. This is a good promo and you need to produce more like this ( at least more consistently ) but seeing as how your taking Seifer in a new direction, you gotta start somewhere. Perhaps it will start at ADM
Suggestions:
None
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Post by Seifer Black on May 24, 2014 20:22:14 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback mate, have to say i feel a lot better about my chances lols
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 24, 2014 20:45:43 GMT -5
RP: Recovering Mary Jay
Handler: Doc Henry
Overview thoughts: I wana see Doc go fuck up some mexicans to get his wife back. I was sad when that didnt happen
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 4
Character Development: 4
Shoot: 3
Flow: 4
Overall Rating: 4 out of 5
Critical Review:
I LOL'd for the 3 amigo's reference and the Tommy Boy reference. I wanted to see Doc, whose a tough guy in WCF go out and shoot it up and maybe we will see that later on. Right off the bat, I'm thrown into the store and I'm rooting for Doc and he gives a bit of shoot on his opponents but nothing I feel is note worthy. Its clear that Doc feels he's the shoe in and he should considering how long hes been in WCF but aside from establishing that fact, the shoot falls short of effectiveness. What the shoot does do however, is it progresses Henry as a veteran of WCF and shows his compasion for his wife. Doc is only going about his business with this shoot out and its a really nice read
Suggestions:
- You started the shoot but you allowed the side action in the promo to cut it off. next time pull the full shoot and complete it then cut it off when you'd said the major stuff bout how you'll win ect ect, THEN cut it off
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 24, 2014 21:14:11 GMT -5
RP: And They All Lived
Handler: Alice
Overview thoughts: Enjoyed the style but I'm not sure of its an exact mimic of the Wonderland stories. Made me stop and question the motovies of the narrative
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 4
Character Development: 5
Shoot: 3
Flow: 2
Overall Rating: 3 out of 5
Critical Review:
As much as I liked the narrative, it slowed me down. I don't want to say the style choice was bad but it was clunky. Its really all over the place and not in a good way because I had a hard time keeping up with it. The narratives just melt into one enough and not well at that. its clear you put a ton of effort into the piece but where is it paying off? I hope on a personal level or else you wouldnt be taking all this time to type it out. I wish I could find strong things about this aside from character development but i really cant.
The Scene description was good
The Character Development was well done, The best you've given us.
The Shoot was below average, the rhyming doesnt add anything to it, just takes away.
The Flow was poor. You go from a a narrative to a script lay out to a novel lay out.
WHile all these factors may you a unique and talented writer, it doesnt help you win matches or at least in my opinion wouldnt lend themselves to winning a match. I wish I could see an upside but i really don't outside of your characters development
Suggestions:
- Try and structure your creativity more. While I didnt get lost in it, others might and it can be a hard read which will cause disintrest ( or maybe more ) either way, you're taking a big risk for what is a competition.
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Post by Doc Henry on May 24, 2014 21:17:49 GMT -5
RP: Recovering Mary Jay Handler: Doc Henry Overview thoughts: I wana see Doc go fuck up some mexicans to get his wife back. I was sad when that didnt happen RP Breakdown Scene description: 4 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 3 Flow: 4 Overall Rating: 4 out of 5 Critical Review: I LOL'd for the 3 amigo's reference and the Tommy Boy reference. I wanted to see Doc, whose a tough guy in WCF go out and shoot it up and maybe we will see that later on. Right off the bat, I'm thrown into the store and I'm rooting for Doc and he gives a bit of shoot on his opponents but nothing I feel is note worthy. Its clear that Doc feels he's the shoe in and he should considering how long hes been in WCF but aside from establishing that fact, the shoot falls short of effectiveness. What the shoot does do however, is it progresses Henry as a veteran of WCF and shows his compasion for his wife. Doc is only going about his business with this shoot out and its a really nice read Suggestions: - You started the shoot but you allowed the side action in the promo to cut it off. next time pull the full shoot and complete it then cut it off when you'd said the major stuff bout how you'll win ect ect, THEN cut it off Yeah, all part of my master plan, I want people to want to read the next one...  Plus for those who see it there is also a Shawshank reference in there... |
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 25, 2014 0:26:40 GMT -5
RP: Demons
Handler: Steve Orbit
Overview thoughts: Orbit battles demons and paranioa, to over come his fears and defend his world title
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 5
Character Development: 5
Shoot: 5
Flow: 5
Overall Rating: 5 out of 5
Critical Review:
Steve Orbit commin out strong and knockin shit out. This is world class promo. We got good shoot, good scenes, damn good shoot and an amazing flow. What do I need to talk about? This is probably some of Steves best work, top 5 easy. You took everything that Seifer used, worked with it and made it your own to where you not only made Seifer look like strong with the paranoia but also handled it as the champion. Thats very professional. You gave Seifer a boost and made him look very good but then you reel it back and go all out on him with the match shoot. I know you wanted me to review this but I got nothin but praise and love for this. You could have buried Seifer from his first RP but you used it to your advantage and kept him strong too. Thats rare, normally its just a bury and then you move on. You really played into the story well and make it work best for The Mack.
Suggestions:
None
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Post by Dr. Remus Micayle on May 25, 2014 3:30:50 GMT -5
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Post by Steve Orbit on May 25, 2014 10:22:56 GMT -5
Thanks Odin. I tried to pack a lot into the promo and I'm glad you picked up on basically everything I tried to do with it. That makes me feel good as a writer because sometimes you don't know if the stuff you are trying to convey is going over people's heads or if its being missed altogether.
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Kyle
Mid-Carder
Posts: 967
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Post by Kyle on May 25, 2014 15:47:40 GMT -5
You know, I rarely ask for feedback for NvL in the WCF, but I'd like to know your thoughts on this week's work. Its a special one and one of the first I've written since my return that I actually felt right for him. Thanks in advance. Finality |
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Post by Jeff Purse on May 25, 2014 16:48:37 GMT -5
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Post by Doc Henry on May 25, 2014 16:50:41 GMT -5
Ok Allfather, part 2 is up... I was hoping I could have rebutted all my opponents comments, but I didn't want to miss the deadline... Anyhoo, El Guappo is revealed, kinda... Who is it? Synn? Obli? Logan? Reb? Chuy? Justin Turner? Bobby Cairo? The possibilities are endless... Lol... Enjoy the read! Recovering Mary Jaya from Mexico Pt. 2 |
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 25, 2014 16:53:46 GMT -5
RP: The Gurney's Peregrination
Handler: Remus Micayle
Overview thoughts: Remus gives me a real sense of a grudge match between him and Cormack. This match is about shutting Cormack up and Remus's plan to do so
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 5
Character Development: 4
Shoot: 3
Flow: 5
Overall Rating: 4 out of 5
Critical Review:
I really enjoy the quality and time Remus puts into his promos. I can always expect him to put forth A+ effort and deliver a good piece. You really explore your scene and your character development with the blog at the top of the promo and it worked really well. The blog wasnt just unrelated content, you worked your matched in there which really flesh it out and felt organic. The blog was probably the best part of the piece because it felt s natural. The second part, your main shoot was done well but felt like it packed the punch. Now, was it effective? Yes, but you just sort of explained motivations.
" I'm going to beat you because I don't like you. I want to hurt you. I want to hurt you till you cant move. "
Your motivations are a great start and I was hoping that you would launch from there and really dog into Cormack but you didn't. There is nothing wrong with it but it doesnt go the extra step to take Cormack out. You had an interview promoting your match and you promoted it. However, a promotion of your match isnt shoot on your match.
Other then the average content of your shoot towards Cormack, your promo was fine and a great read. I really don't thing I need to suggest anything but I'll give you tips below
Suggestions:
- Take your motivations a step or two above. How many other people in WCF say they want to hurt and beat someone else up? ( everyone?) We know the Doctor has some bite to him and we know he has bark Put them together in your shoot
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 25, 2014 16:55:04 GMT -5
Ok Allfather, part 2 is up... I was hoping I could have rebutted all my opponents comments, but I didn't want to miss the deadline... Anyhoo, El Guappo is revealed, kinda... Who is it? Synn? Obli? Logan? Reb? Chuy? Justin Turner? Bobby Cairo? The possibilities are endless... Lol... Enjoy the read! Recovering Mary Jaya from Mexico Pt. 2If it's not Dark Helmet or The Black Knight, I'm giving you a zero. |
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Plus for those who see it there is also a Shawshank reference in there... 
