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Post by Doc Henry on May 25, 2014 17:04:39 GMT -5
Ok Allfather, part 2 is up... I was hoping I could have rebutted all my opponents comments, but I didn't want to miss the deadline... Anyhoo, El Guappo is revealed, kinda... Who is it? Synn? Obli? Logan? Reb? Chuy? Justin Turner? Bobby Cairo? The possibilities are endless... Lol... Enjoy the read! Recovering Mary Jaya from Mexico Pt. 2If it's not Dark Helmet or The Black Knight, I'm giving you a zero. Thing is, I haven't even decided who yet... Lol |
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 25, 2014 17:53:44 GMT -5
RP: Reversion IV: Finality
Handler: NvL
Overview thoughts: NvL gives us a psychological low down between him and Purse
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 5
Character Development: 4
Shoot: 4
Flow: 5
Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Critical Review:
Another great promo that I enjoyed reading. Its really hard to give a critical review of promos that are 4 + on my scale because theres nothing to say thats going to help really. I really enjoyed the character set up on how NvL and Purse are their opposites and NvL saying how they've always been and will be. NvL presents this match as a clash and I really expect it to be one. I get the feeling this is the final showdown type of vibe from this promo because of how you set it up and having read how this promo " felt right." I can see why. You did a great job with it and it tells a great story that I want to see play out in the ring rather just in the promo
Suggestions:
None
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 25, 2014 20:00:28 GMT -5
RP: Alternation
Handler: Jeff Purse
Overview thoughts: Pantheon? In time? again?
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 3
Character Development: 2
Shoot: 2
Flow: 3
Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Critical Review:
I didnt want to give you a low score but I read this and shrugged. This isnt a jeff purse promo. This is a Pantheon presents: a jeff purse promo. I don't even see individuals anymore. I just see the group. Thats not bad but i get a sense that individual styles get lessened for it. If it was a tag team match, thats one thing. When JP is flyin solo verse his arch rival- thats different. I didnt get a sense of any of that. It was just " Pantheons in time LOL!" JP is at a PPV against NvL whose not a light character and you got chased by a 30 foot rodent? Where is the urgency? Wheres the importance?
Your scenes were average. Your CD was barely there. I didnt get a look at anything other than how much you hate NvL. Well yah, Fly just stated that. There was nothing on Purses end to further that. NvL build you guys up and it just seems like you phoned this in and didnt return the favor because the character emotions were very flat.
Your shoot is your selling point but you just made NvL look good. You gave him credit, you showed frustration and concern. Your shoot was:
" I'm going to destroy you because I hate you. "
its so out of place in the scheme of the promo that as a reader, i cant believe the words. You sandwiched the shoot in between two funny actions of meeting alt. pantheon and the squirrels.
In short this promo doesn't mirror anything close to how this match should feel. I should want to see both characters fight again in a close match but now I feel as if thats not going to happen because Jeff comes off as in different or completely flustered that he has to fight NvL again
Suggestions:
- invest in your characters emotions.
- invest in the meaning of your match
- try not to contradict yourself in your promo. your actions and words clash
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 25, 2014 23:32:27 GMT -5
RP: Recovering Mary Jaya from Mexico Pt. 2
Handler: Doc Henry
Overview thoughts: Doc gets ever closer to his showdown with El Guappo but who can it be?
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 3
Character Development: 3
Shoot: 3
Flow: 3
Overall Rating: 3 out of 5
Critical Review:
Its like I'm on a Mexican ride along with doc henry. I feel like I'm 7 and I'm waiting in the car as Doc is inside, killin fools. He better bring back some smiley pies. Tally me, tally me. Anyways, its an average promo thats just fun. It's nothing something I can look at and come down on just because it's doc bein doc and we're already exposed to it from his last RP.
Suggestions:
You keep doin you doc. I aint gotta tell you that though
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Post by Chase Michaels on May 26, 2014 1:10:44 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 27, 2014 19:10:14 GMT -5
RP: Settling Debts
Handler: Chase Michaels
Overview thoughts:Chase gives great character development but his shoot falls short
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 4
Character Development: 4
Shoot: 3
Flow: 5
Overall Rating: 4 out of 5
Critical Review:
Am I a Chase Michaels fan? Very much so. Am I a Chase Michaels mark? No. Chase puts out qualities promos weekly despite not winning every week and coming up with a hard loss. Are there things I'd like to see Chase do? absolutely but thats not up to me. I just have to be impressed with the effort that Chase displays every week and I don't think it's stopped since he started. However, I feel that this promo falls short of what he has shown us he can do.
Scene Description: Everything's done well, everything's done crisp.
Character Development: It's strange because the characteristics chase displays OFF camera, I'd love to see, on camera. I've said this before, the character could pull a steve austin type vibe very easily and that would sky rocket your profile in WCF. The Chase Michaels OFF camera is very interesting and something I really enjoy reading and gives something for the audience to latch onto. Every week, you add more and more to it.
Shoot: This is where you dropped it. I got the sense that you were just kinda " in " this match. That Chase was just going through the motions to compete, not necessarily to win. You had such a good oppertunity to push past your difficulties with doc and push past the former champ in nightrider ad it almost felt like you phoned your shoot in.
Flow: Flow was excellent.
Suggestions:
- your shoot comes off empty and hollow. Try and put some real substance behind them.
- You have a great character with a good gimmick and unique style, use that to your advantage.
-you're on the cusp of a great character in WCF. Don't let guys treat you like a chump
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Post by Chase Michaels on May 27, 2014 22:48:52 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback, the shoot was kind of off on purpose as I wanted him to come across distracted due to most of the stuff happening off camera.
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 27, 2014 23:07:36 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback, the shoot was kind of off on purpose as I wanted him to come across distracted due to most of the stuff happening off camera. Let me counter-point that logic 1.) Why should the reader CARE if Chase is distracted? 2.) Why show your opponent that Chase is distracted? 3.) How will such distractions help Chase in this / future matches? 5.) Are the off camera scenes beneficial to Chase for the on camera scenes ? If you truly don't care about winning or losing matches, fine. However, f you're trying to move up the ranks, you may want to try and tie these motivations in so that they enhance Chase for the ON camera scenes. |
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Post by Chase Michaels on May 27, 2014 23:34:20 GMT -5
The distraction would help Chase as he's always been a relative professional inside the ring but with the distractions outside the ring he's not able to keep the relatively professional style that people have gotten used to, people are going to see more the Outlaw side of Chase one that is more reckless, more chaotic and more dangerous. Chase in ring has always been the straight arrow/blue collar/consummate professional but I want to show that cracks are forming in his overall psyche.
The off scene stuff will affect the on screen stuff cause as things progress off screen they'll also affect the on screen stuff. I want to try and push myself to try something different with Chase as he's been the same persona for over five years now. I never been a fan of the one dimensional/WWE style character ie the wrestler with no personal life. I don't just want to start all of a sudden showing the more more reckless, more chaotic and more dangerous, I want the reader to see and know what has lead Chase there. As far the showing the Outlaw Biker side of Chase on screen I want to add a level of realism, I don't want him to just be an on screen biker, I want the reader to see that Chase is a real outlaw biker not like The Aces and Eights or to an extent American Badass Undertaker was. But at the same time it would be kind of silly to have a camera recording your illegal activities not to mention not a lot of outlaw bikers would want their business broadcasted for the world to see.
And of course I want to move up but I also want to enjoy what I write and for me that includes the character development/off screen stuff. I had a few championships outside of WCF and to be honest I didn't like holding the title, I didn't have anything against the championships and I have nothing against competing for them but I've always prefer to work on feuds and story-lines rather than compete for championships.
Hopefully that makes sense...
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Post by "The Black Dragon" Alex Jones on May 28, 2014 3:10:00 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2014 5:42:52 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2014 11:54:42 GMT -5
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Post by Kaz on May 29, 2014 14:31:55 GMT -5
Here you go Mr. Allfather. If you have a moment after this already long queue to view my latest, I would greatly appreciate it. I trimmed the fat, per se, with the on camera/off camera segments. Hopefully this weeks feels like it has a more consistent flow to it then having an on camera scene tacked on at the end. Choke, Choke Again |
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 29, 2014 22:01:10 GMT -5
RP: Is This A Debut? Seems Like It
Handler:Alex Jones
Overview thoughts: New fresh face in Alex Jones, seems to be an average guy.
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 3
Character Development: 3
Shoot: 3
Flow: 5
Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Critical Review:
I like this gimmick change. The old one wasnt bad, just confusing. I apperciate the fact that you still value my opinion on the subject and I thank you for it. Theres an average promo here but its debut so you get what you get. The vibe I get as the reader feels better, feels positive and something I can get behind as the reader. I don't have specifics to point out for you to build on as you covered your bases very well for an intro promo. You kept your background, your relationship to Ana and your thoughts on the match very tight and sound. With the other character there was some distractions as the reader and probably as the author too. However, I get the opposite with this piece. I see a lot of focus and a lot of potential to do some good things in WCF.
I only really have your shoot to comment on because although you did well with it, it lacked a statement that Alex Jones is here and is going to be confidence ( not cocky ) but confidence enough to use his wealth of experience over his opponents to get the win. You could have gone that route ( or others ) just to cement the reader in that Alex Jones is going to be the working class hero of sorts
Suggestions:
- Give the audience a lasting impression of the character. Your intro was just fine but with that match talk, make the reader believe in Alex as the winner.
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 29, 2014 22:13:27 GMT -5
RP: Wheels of Justice Grind Slow Handler: Ana Valintine Overview thoughts: Anas killin it. Doc better run. RP Breakdown Scene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 5 out of 5 Critical Review: Scenes Description: Killed it CD: killed it Shoot: Killed it Flow: Fuckin killed it. Do all that again next week ready.. go! I know you can do good work, same with Alex. Wit the old characters theres talent there, that WAS good writing. Just not so great from promo writing. This was great work for promo writing. I cant wait for Ana to come back and kick some Doc Henry spit cup ass! Vengeance! Vengeance my dear girl! Suggestions: none |
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 29, 2014 23:31:28 GMT -5
RP: Introducing Greatness Handler: Sir William Cambridge Overview thoughts: English Batman is English, cliche. RP Breakdown Scene description: 4 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 4 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 4 out of 5 Critical Review: I'm very interested in this character. You presented him in a some what unique way that isnt done in WCF. Theres plenty of rich assholes in WCF but I really get the sense that William is born into it and is really just believing what he's telling us not so much trying to convince the readers. You had good description, good overview in introducing the character and the delvelopment but the shoot really just stalled out. You started off very strong and had a good direction but like with so many others you leave shoot with: " Because I'm better than you. I'm going to beat you. " Thats not shoot. You set up William to succeed but that last line sets him up to fail. That last line is what readers remember most. Thats why a lot of people will sign off with a catch phrase or a strong statement other then you what wrote. Its just a theme that I see with other people. I don't get a sense of confidence from that statement, I get a sense that you don't know what to say, so you say that. However, we have an intro promo and its a great intro promo Suggestions: - find your bearings and hit the throttle |
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Post by "The Black Dragon" Alex Jones on May 30, 2014 0:26:34 GMT -5
Thanks man i'll ramp up the arrogance for the next rp
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2014 1:39:45 GMT -5
RP: Wheels of Justice Grind Slow Handler: Ana Valintine Overview thoughts: Anas killin it. Doc better run. RP Breakdown Scene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 5 out of 5 Critical Review: Scenes Description: Killed it CD: killed it Shoot: Killed it Flow: Fuckin killed it. Do all that again next week ready.. go! I know you can do good work, same with Alex. Wit the old characters theres talent there, that WAS good writing. Just not so great from promo writing. This was great work for promo writing. I cant wait for Ana to come back and kick some Doc Henry spit cup ass! Vengeance! Vengeance my dear girl! Suggestions: none Uhm, wow lol - I am so glad I decided to make the change back to Ana, as I spent the last year really trying to work on her overall as a character - I just hope I can match this again next week  |
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 30, 2014 19:06:50 GMT -5
Like I said, your other character was good. I wanted to like your character, you and Nero but the styles were too artistic to communicate the promo effectively. And I'm glad you're glad that you made the change. Everyone should have fun, everyone likes to win and know their stuff is being looked at and in a positive way. So I'm glad your ok with it because I felt that the reason you changed was because I was harping on your character. So it's kool that you're feelin good bout this change. You and Alex have good styles and good characters. Just gotta keep it up in the long run
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 30, 2014 19:22:24 GMT -5
Here you go Mr. Allfather. If you have a moment after this already long queue to view my latest, I would greatly appreciate it. I trimmed the fat, per se, with the on camera/off camera segments. Hopefully this weeks feels like it has a more consistent flow to it then having an on camera scene tacked on at the end. Choke, Choke AgainRP: Choke, Choke Again Handler:Colin Marshall Overview thoughts: New fresh face in Alex Jones, seems to be an average guy. RP Breakdown Scene description: 4 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 4 Flow: 4 Overall Rating: 4 out of 5 Critical Review: This promo works very well. The promo feels like it has good body and it read very well. The Narrative went well with the scene description and it didnt feel heavy with the OFF camera scene. You can do it but it doesnt need to be OFF camera. Anyway, the Voice over was great for character development and you went and showed outward confidence when you were talkin with peter Quin. It was simple shoot, it connected and it got your point across. I feel Colin is going to straight up kick Quinns teeth in and make him forget everything. Overall, its a good start to better things IF you enjoy what you're doin. Suggestions: - Keep this up |
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