RP: First Gospels of The Doomsday Prophet
Handler: Seifer
Overview thoughts: Had high hopes for this promo, perhaps too high. I get the feeling Seifer takes himself as a joke and not a serious character
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 4
Character Development: 3
Shoot: 4
Flow: 3
Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Critical Review:
VERY CRITICAL REVIEW AHEADThis is a world title match at a PPV. I'm going to be very critical about this. What you wrote wasnt bad but the underlying context of it all was bad. You wana show up to an Aztec temple, have a blast. Show up in a semi-serious with face paint and a T-shirt? My mood went down hill. You wana talk about doomsday, end of the world? Have a blast. Do it while smoking a cig while ontop said aztec temple to make your character seem brooding and " edgy" to just flick it down the steps of an ancient structure.. I'm gonna roll my eyes. You wana talk about being a monster? rekindling with that monster? Have a blast. To do it in the same manner as half the roster would, I want to smash my face into the wall. You want to commit a hate crime in the form of Steve Orbit effigy? Have a blast.
DON'T GO SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS IN THE NEXT SCENE!
Sure, you didnt do it but your character made plans too. Then you tried to cover it up with an edgy " American History X" refrence to try and get back on topic that Seifer is heartless or something because anytime anyone mentions that movie, they get strange looks. ( personal tastes aside.) I don't want to dig into your personal choices for what you write but I gotta. This is a world title match that you earned from a tournament.
You took what could have been good, interesting stuff and you just killed it. You killed it in Steve Orbit effigy style. You tied your promo to a stone slab and cut its heart out and replaced it with dolphin safe tuna. I don't wana come down on you about it but you really gotta see where this WORLD TITLE PROMO flopped.
It;s even worse because I get the sense that you did it and didnt even realize you did it.
1.) If your going the fantasy route, stick to the fantasy route.
2.) If you're in a world title match, show why you're in the match.
3.) If you're going into a world title match, don't give the champion such easy material
Not only do I get to review this promo but I feel compelled to tell you how to structure it for future events.
One thing you could have done that would have made this promo more believable would be to put the off camera scene with chelsea at the start of the promo. It feels like Seifers acting this way because the plot calls for it. Then he goes out and hangs with chelsea. Like I believe Orbit and Fly and Black and Natty ICE. Like I believe those are the real people, not just the on camera people. You just willfully showed us that everything you tried to established in scene one was complete BS and a waste of time. If you did it the other way around, you could save face because " chelsea isnt there to keep him grounded."
Scene one: lazy day with chelsea
we get a warrm little cool down scene between seifer and chelsea before the match. Seifer looks normal. acts normal, talks normal. everyone is pissdin rainbows.
Scene two: Seifer kills a man
Holy fuck!? Is this the same guy we just saw cuddling with his wife and booking dolphin days? What the fuck happened?
I'll tell you what happend: A man alone in his thoughts happened.
And you cant go american psycho on this where he comes home and he's normal. You cant because you just spent a good amount of time trying to establish that seifer is a bad motha fucka. small little glaring issues aside, I was starting to believe it too. You had some good shoot that was aggressive, a little too preachy when you were warning Orbit, but hey, can't be perfect.
Sure, the lazy day scene was OFF camera. I still read it though. You wrote the whole scene which means Orbit read it too. He may not be able to come right out and use it IN CHARACTER but he read it and he ca poke fun at it. You could have fixed scene two and kept your lazy day and just alluded to Chelsea what you did at the temple. You could have alluded to the dolphin thing. Hell, if you wrote it good you could have even booked it if you played up the mentality of Seifer but you didnt.
Seifer went from " doomsday prophet" to pussy whipped kitchen bitch.
And we all saw it plain as day.
Oblivion could pull that off though. NvL could pull that off. ZMAC could pull that off. They could because they're psychological. It just feels like Seifer is a monster due to plot convenience. As if I as the reader wouldnt be able to comprehend how Seifer could beat Orbit with out it.
Funny thing is: You did. You got this far. Sure I havent read your other RPs prior but did you do this? This looks like it stems from your segment on slam? It feels forced, it feels rushed. this does not feel natural for Seifer. Even if it is, I don't get that impression that Seifer is anymore dangerous that anyone else.
Orbit went one on one Verse Fly and won. Orbit has fought Odin Balfore numerous times in WCF. Probably more than anyone. Think about the wars Orbit has fought and Seifer comes and says " nah son, nah. you don't know pain." OK fine. Back that up. But you didnt.
Again, I'm sorry if you feel I'm laying into you but you gotta see where this went wrong.
You as character deserve this title shot. YOU as a writer, earned it.
But it crumbled and I'm sorry that it did
Suggestions:
- When you use warning and foreboding in your shoot, connect with it. I just saw smoke and a puffy chest, so to speak in your promo. Why should Orbit, the champion fear you? You were very aggressive but not much more than a dog barking behind a fence.
- Watch your scenes. You spent far too much time developing something with potential, only to throw it away with a rather pointless CD scene.
- If theres a next time go hard and bring it. Win or lose this match. You can use it to your advantage.
- Explore your character. Is there more to Seifer than rekindling with an old monster? I hope so? Bring that up. Convince your audience.
see my general feedback thread for that link to read(My Latest)...
