Request Thread for Odin Balfore feedback

[Odin Balfore]

Might as well just put this here.  If you want feedback from me specifically, post the link to the RP here and I'll get to it as time allows and in the order in which request are given.  Below is my grading template for those who are not familiar with it.  The system is based "out of 5." Mainly due to the fact that a 10 scale would be difficult to keep accurate. I do not judge off of personal tastes. I take an objective approach from a readers stand point. Things like style and coding arnt taken into consideration unless they really hinder the flow and feel of the piece.

REMINDER: SETH IS THE ONLY JUDGE IN WCF.


NOTE: DUE TO THE NATURE OF THEIR CONTENTS, I WILL NO LONGER REVIEW CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT PROMOS.

we have very different opinions from time to time.


NOTE:  THE SCALE IS MEANT TO BUILD STRENGTHS AND IMPROVE ABILITY. NOT TO BRING ANYONE DOWN

**a attempt to satisfy a perfect score in this template may not guarantee a victory in your respective match**


__________________________________________

RP:


Handler:




Overview thoughts:




RP Breakdown

Scene description:

Character Development:

Shoot:

Flow:


Overall Rating: out of 5




Critical Review:




Suggestions:

[Deleted]

Appreciate the offering. If you would, please take a look at my RP for One: wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/18721/point-origin.

[Dr. Remus Micayle]

Likewise for me. Cheers Odin.

wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/18683/rp-1-cruor-discharge

[Odin Balfore]

RP:The Point of Origin


Handler: Eric Price




Overview thoughts:

A bitter sweet piece that has Eric both in conflict and resolution with himself and others in his life. A nicely flowing piece that puts perspective on Eric's situation.




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 3

Character Development: 3

Shoot: 3

Flow: 5


Overall Rating: 3.5  out of 5




Critical Review:

To address the score first, the piece was more a recap and nudge into the direction that Eric and the Twilight sisters are taking. The piece is the culmination of the Price/Twilight feud but I did not get a sense of conclusion from the CD or shoot. The Scene Descrip. was bare but the location information helped out giving the daye ect. the beach scene for example. It is easy to image a beach and to see Eric sitting on the hood of his car. It's meant to show reflection but lacks the deep connection that a reflection represents. With CD there is little in the way of progress considering the weight this piece should bring at the end of this year long feud between the characters. I can see that Eric cares for Rachael but their interactions only seem to serve Sarahs development deeper into a " loner."  You've recapped very briefly which hinders because it comes off that Eric doesn't care enough about this emotionally and physically taxing ordeal that hes been through for the better part of a year. To say that he contemplated suicide but to present what is possibly new information but certainly a strong gripping situation in such a passive way shows to the reader that Eric really isnt all that bothered and this match, this feud is more of a minor annoyance then a larger then life problem.  The shoot suffers unfortunate in the same was the CD does. Eric doesnt put a stamp on this situation-at all. The end of the piece:

" You decided to make it very personal and at One, everyone’s going to see just what I’m capable of when you push me too far. See you at One Sarah. "


Sarah should already know. This match shouldn't be the time that sarah finds anything out. in fact, no one should be finding this out.  This should be the final clash where you've both reached that point of putting it all on the line and Erics best is " this is about hurting you." With Erics accomplishments far exceeding Sarahs in ring - what does he have to show or prove? There is nothing with in the shoot to tell me as the reader that Eric has any confidence in himself to win this match or even end this personal feud because he's so passive about it.

The flow kept this promo going. With medium length, the scenes and dialogue did not drag and kept up equally with themselves. Your beats worked well to preserve integrity of the speech but the flow could not bring this promo up from that "3" star rating.

Suggestions:


With such an important match- the end of the feud. Take that character development and ramp it up. develop it. create it or bring it conclusion.  The match is only onlt going to conclude the score board but not the way Eric feels. Express that character development.

replace that Q-tip with a sharp stick or a spear point and dig into your opponent on your shoot aspects. gently glazing over with a generally passive tongue isnt going to do much to deliver convincing shoot that your character should win this match.

scene descript.  give the reader something to chew on. celery tastes ok. but its better with hot sauce or peanut butter.

[Chelsea Armstrong]

Love it if you could take a look at mine as well Thank you

wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/18676/true-champion-2

[Odin Balfore]

RP: A Cruor Discharge


Handler: Remus




Overview thoughts:

A very intresting and complex look into the personal motivations of Remus from Doctor to wrestler.




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 5

Character Development: 4

Shoot: 3

Flow: 3


Overall Rating: 4 out of 5




Critical Review:


The scene descript. is beautiful. Its very informative but not too heavy. It's the best part of this piece. The CD shows ambitions, past experiences, motovations, a willingness to succeed and gives an all around positive feel to Remus's character. You painted a very elaborate picture concering Remus past/present/ future. It is unfortunate that the shoot and flow suffer how they do. The shoot is generic and passive. Even though you provide psychological ques about Ryan Rhodes and how Remus will have the edge, there is nothing definitive about it.

" I will win at ONE. Because I have done my research."  which may be true because it is with in your characters motivations to say such things , it however doesn't drive anything home. The use of the glove from earlier in the piece  comes across as a mixed signal. Yes it would provide Remus with an edge or eve just an amusement but what indicates that he would need it?  It shows that even though he researches and seems confident, in truth he is not. I get the sense that Remus hides behind knowledge because thats what he boasted about through out the entire piece. There is nothing concrete about Remus winning his match other than some subjective research. He actually did what he accused Rhodes of doing.

" Anyone can talk a big game all day, but only the very best can back it up with his or her actions. But how can I blame you? The entire math suggests that the champion is the superior candidate, and the challenger is some hopeless lunatic on a suicide mission. "

Those are big words and there wasnt much to back it up. Yes, hes going to make Rhodes bleed but thats the match. Theres no real sticking point to the match shoot content.

The flow was the biggest problem. There was a lot of dancing with the flow. As much as Remus got to the point, he took the long way to get there it felt. It comes across as long winded in attempts to sell the gimmick of intelligence which goes on a bit too long and detracts from the core, heart and soul of the piece.  


Suggestions:


get that match content across. drive it home. you have a great RP that suffers where it needs your skill the most. Don't brush over match content if you can help it. it is your selling point to victory

The flow suffers from the gimmick. too much sophistication in trying show that high brow intelligence of the character may make the reader trying and pick out the meat and potato's of what Remus is saying. Just tone it back a little big to get the big picture across.

You have a fantastic character and a fantastic style that just needs a bit of fine tuning and tinkering to get those slight kinks out that would make Rremus damn near unstoppable.

[Deleted]

Hm, why not? I like the way you give feedback. Add me to the list.

[CD's Old Account]

I don't need anything done, but seriously, this is probably the best thing to happen to WCF in a long time. I know Odin has been doing this for a fair bit, but really opening this up is awesome.

Thanks again, dude.

[Odin Balfore]

I feel like the team doctor lol but as long as everyone likes it. I'll get to CBA and Sarah in a bit

[Logan]

I simply cannot wait another second to read more Odin reviews. They're better than the roleplays themselves.

[Deleted]

If you could give my CD one a read/review I would appreciate it.

[Odin Balfore]

RP: A True Champion ( Part 2 )


Handler: Chelsea Armstrong




Overview thoughts: A personally gripping piece that shows an overwhelming internal struggle for Chelsea that begins to cause doubt for her.




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 5

Character Development: 4

Shoot: 1

Flow: 4


Overall Rating:3 out of 5




Critical Review:

Looking at this piece by itself, is not a very strong piece as far as the match is concerned and that caused it to take a massive hit. The scene Descrip. was amazing. you did an excellent job at delivering that atmosphere of the pond and the drowning. Sometimes first person narrative leaves  empty pockets of discription but you did very well.  As the reader, I felt like I was under the water with Chelsea and it made the journey very compelling. Its that Description that sling shots the CD of Chelsea because the descriptions tell the story to such a degree where Chelsea just apologizing to her loved ones is all that needs to be said. It takes care of her inter personal issues and how they affect her professional life, giving her a sense of doubt and very human qualities. On the other hand, since this piece is so CD heavy, the shoot just isnt there. Perhaps it is in part 1 but aside from just mentioning the match at ONE, there isnt anything else.  Just the mention,gets you a point in that category but what could have been a strong development into ONE, even with just personal thoughts, could have sold anything Chelsea could have said about Caleb.  As far as flow, the narrative kept things swimming ( no pun intended.)  and kept me engaged to keep reading.




Suggestions:


Carry that match shoot into all your promos in some fashion to keep them strong and match relate-able. Not just for your title defense but for a PPV and the biggest PPV there is. The rest of the piece was spot on, fantastic. But that match shoot has to be there in some fashion even if its just Chelsea bringing her POV from personal issues into her thoughts about it. You don't have to break from the feeling of the piece to write effective match shoot that rounds every out but it does need to be addressed.

You are a great writer and a great champion.

[FPV]

If you could, i'd be interested to hear what you have to say about the first RP I put up.

Ole Smokey's Pub and Grill IV (Act One)

[Odin Balfore]

RP: A Conversation With My Sister


Handler: Sarah Twilight




Overview thoughts:

The sorrow and loss from one sister to another. It is Sarah's coping with her sister and the internal struggle of it all.


RP Breakdown

Scene description: 5

Character Development: 5

Shoot: 1

Flow: 3


Overall Rating:3.5 out of 5




Critical Review:

There is a lot of good and not so much. This piece is like a mixed bag of things. Scene descrips. and character beats are strong, well written and give a strong atmosphere. Everything that it should be. The CD set up whats to come, the recap of what happened and showed Sara'hs apathy and deeply loner personality. The parts with Lilith seemed forced like a last resort but serves to show that even though Sarah is outwardly strong, internally she is very hurt and looking to recover from her own sense of loss and betrayal in her own way.   That's the good. The shoot is where it falls apart with almost no recovery.  You mention Eric, your hatred for Eric and- that was about it. Sarah mentions internally that the best has yet to be seen but the reader has seen Sarah lose big matches. The reader knows Sarah has tasted defeat, even if she doesn't mention it. What makes this match with Eric different then the other big time matches from a skill stand point?  As a reader, I don't get a sense that there is more in the thank so to speak then what Sarah told us. To tell the reader that " I'm going to win because I'm better."  never serves to help a character. It feels like a lie. Like Sarah is lying to herself and the reader because there is no follow up to it.

Sarah can't pass Eric off as a low brow opponent- because he's not. Not in terms of accomplishment or in this feud. The way the whole beginning is stated, it makes the rest of the piece feel like an up hill battle because I'm waiting for that to be redeemed and it wasn't.  Flow wise, its structured nicely but there is no pay off.  As I started reading I was expecting a build up to a definitive conclusion. That was not given. The match itself won't give a conclusion to personal feelings because the match is professional and the Eric/Sarah feud is now deeply personal and far removed from just the ring. I felt it on the Twilight sister side of the coin but not the Eric/Sarah side. I was anticipating this strong, charismatic opus of resolution but instead the reader gets Logan/Lilith. That both works for and against.  It shows Sarahs sorrow and desperation but it being right in the middle of the piece just stalls it out significantly. 



Suggestions:


This is the FINAL battle or at least what is to be the final battle between Eric/Sarah. I get no sense of that. It feels like that doesn't matter and fails to give the reader satisfaction for this year long, deeply personal feud. Match related and feud related talk just fizzled out and leaves a large, bulky piece with nothing to push forward the end of the story.

Work on flow There are ways to say soo much by saying very little but the Lilth/Logan part of the piece while necessary, hurt it because it was like a sore thumb and didn't fit with what the piece should be. The end. It wasn't. The 3 count in the match itself doesnt resolve anything if the characters in the story arnt resolved. Like Eric, it feels like a annoyance for the character and its just the motion but it hampers the story greatly.

Finish the feud. The story just seems to fall off and is going to have little to no pay off no matter how good the match is or who wins. The Characters show that they ultimately don't care because they both seem to have more important things to do aside from this personal matter that's consumed them for so long.

[jamesfatel]

Hmmm look over mine, always like outside opinions

wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/18735/game

[Deleted]

Odin my fine fellow, would you be so kind to give some feedback on my RP for One. Thank you in advance my good man.

wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/18675/war-never-changes

[Odin Balfore]

RP: Breaking Mack  ( a CD RP )

Handler:  Mack Cooper


Review:

There is a of subtle development and I'm glad it didnt go in the direction it felt like it was going to go. This is a very deep and dark piece that goes into the mindset of Lilith and Logan as a couple and as people. The reader feels for Mack. Shes lost, trapped, stranded and being abused very heavily for the amusement of Liliths warped sense of humor and need to appease Logan. It is strange to Logan as the voice of reason but it grounds the piece in what could be a very rewarding storyline that makes people want to follow whats going on.

[Odin Balfore]

RP: Ole Smokey's Pub and Grill IV ( Act one )


Handler:  FPV




Overview thoughts:

A light hearted look at FPVs financial struggle, looking for work and his thoughts on Logan




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 3

Character Development: 3

Shoot: 1

Flow: 3


Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 5




Critical Review:

There is of  a lot of missing pieces in this work. I question why FPV is looking for work if he has a match but thats a character development thing that will come in time. The scene descrip. was there but lacking in finer points to flush out whats going on. The character development was the same way. It was there but more would have been nice.  The comments about logan just seem out of place. FPV is upset over a comment Logan says to Roy but aside from just feeling hurt, there isnt much else said. As the readre, I was more interested in the car breaking down and Frank finding work.  There is no shoot to speak of. You get a point for mentioning logan but theres nothing beyond that. It makes the piece suffer a lot.  The flow would have been better if you reset the scene properly. It went from New Orleans to NYC in a flash with nothing to give me hints.  I felt like I was missing something and wanted to go backwards in the RP to find it and not forwards. However, it read smoothly as a whole.


Suggestions:


This is a competition.  Write something that reflects that.

flush out your scenes and your flow. The reader should stop naturally either when speech ends or a description ends. The reader shouldnt stop mid way through anything. If the reader has to search for anything, thats not good.

[Logan]

wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/18685/series-chester-2

DO ME. DO ME. (MY BUTT NOT THE ROLEPLAY BUT IF YOU WANNA DO THE ROLEPLAY TOO THATS OKAY)

[Odin Balfore]

RP: It's just a game


Handler:  James Fatal



Overview thoughts:

A character reflective piece that shows strong intent and motivations.




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 3

Character Development: 3

Shoot:0

Flow: 4


Overall Rating: 2 out of 5




Critical Review:

It is hard to describe the dark room scenes because that's all that they are but you did a fine job at doing so. your CD establishes who James is, what he wants and where he chooses to go and does it both with style and confidence.  Its a diffrent approach then whats being used currently by alot of peopke and it workd out in James favor.  With that said, there is zero match content. Intentions for the future are not intentions for the present. There is no mention of a match or opponents in this piece and that's a big chuck of what it should be given the match.  Other wise concerning the flow; it went well. The piece was short and I was able to absorb every bit of information given to me as a reader.


Suggestions:

A short promo does not make a bad promo. However, not talking about your match at all- makes it a bad promo. it is GOOD work but betrays the purpose of the piece. If you are in a match, if you have an opponent. talk about it. explore it. Shoot is the selling point of a match promo.


Other than that, everything else is fine. Strong, moderate, piece that shows that things don't have to go on forever and be overly complex to be effective.