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Post by Odin Balfore on Dec 23, 2013 16:01:01 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2013 16:19:41 GMT -5
Thank you for the honest feedback. The compliments, but moreso the criticisms, which was more what I was looking for anyway lol. I very much appreciate the time you took to do this, as I'm sure everyone has. Thanks again  |
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Post by Chase Michaels on Dec 23, 2013 16:25:00 GMT -5
It's nice to see someone willing to give feedback, that said I was wondering what you thought of my rp, Too Late To Go Back RPIt was a really struggle to write this RP mainly the first part as I was in different minds about what the direction Chase would go in with what happened which effected the content of the second scene. I also tried a few new things not really sure I'm happy with how they came out in the end. But any feedback would be appreciated and no need to rush. |
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Post by jamesfatel on Dec 23, 2013 17:14:09 GMT -5
I don't have a match yet
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Post by Odin Balfore on Dec 24, 2013 1:14:54 GMT -5
RP: War Never Changes
Handler: Matt Robinson
Overview thoughts:
A bare knuckle shoot that delivers from start to finish
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 5
Character Development: 5
Shoot: 3
Flow: 5
Overall Rating: 4 out of 5
Critical Review:
This promo is a gem. There are no other words but to say that. Scene Descrip. spot on, fantastic. your beats are well placed and used perfectly. The CD, another home run. Run down of Matt's past in relation to the very well established and acocomplished Oblivion. Level that playing field. check. Talked about motives. check. ambitions. Check. Both were right on the money. Your shoot is where you lost your steam. What Matt was saying, geared me. I felt for him, I believed in him but that shoot just misfired. Matt didnt say thing to show or prove that he would or could be Oblivion other than that he is very decorated. Matt missed that que of digging into Oblivion and firing away at him to finish him off. The flow was another home run. Everything just went like fine whiskey. Smooth. It all fit, nothing felt out of place and it just brought it all together. Very little wrong in this piece
Suggestions:
Put that hammer down. Get that brain matter all over the pavement. Pull the trigger on that shoot and start burying people. A catch phrase is great. It does wounder but it is NOT a match winner. pull that match shoot trigger and convince the reader that your opponent is getting tossed in that match. Prove to your reader there is no doubt that The Punishes will lose. If you do that coupled with what the promo was in this piece. 5 star. 5 star perfect.
Get it in there. slip the jab.
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Post by Odin Balfore on Dec 24, 2013 1:44:38 GMT -5
RP: Hardcore Series: Chester The Molester
Handler: Logan
Overview thoughts:
Hilariously sinful look into the broken cogs that is Logans logic and problem solving skills
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 5
Character Development: 5
Shoot: 2
Flow: 5
Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Critical Review:
This promo is a great read. The character of logan really just does his work in almost a " joker" kind of way. That anti hero chaotic nature that shines through with calm expressions, features and dialogue. The scene descrip. was engaging, simple, covered the points for the piece. The CD was in the piece itself. Logan going out of his way to turn the tide on FPV for no real reason but amusement. It's just an elaborate scheme that pays off in full. Logan expresses motives, ambitions and displays that intangible mystery that we may not always know what Logan is thinking. The shoot wasn't there but this is part of a series so its understandable but Match shoot needs to be there throughout to keep driving the piston and continuing to show just how good Logan is and that he is going to win this match. The flow was great. every thing was great. The scene descrip kept the flow going, simple word usage, simple dialogue with rewarding tones kept an engaging feel that made a medium length piece go by very quick
Suggestions:
Shoot. Just because its part of a series, shouldn't mean that the shoot can take a rest. If the shoot followed through, it could have been a five star all the way. Stay consistent with the shoot to keep up that fire and dominance that Logan displays in this piece.
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Post by Odin Balfore on Dec 24, 2013 2:17:37 GMT -5
RP: Too Late To Go Back
Handler: Chase
Overview thoughts:
compelling journey regarding a cross roads in Chase's life that forces him to break off from the life he knew and loved.
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 5
Character Development: 5
Shoot: 3
Flow: 5
Overall Rating: 4 out of 5
Critical Review:
Scene Descrip. Perfect when it needed to be. gave a simple over view where that needed to be and blended things very well. The CD is where this piece hits home and keeps on going. It's like Forrest going to find Bubba in the jungle. You just go and go and lay it on thick likecaske frosting. amazing and compelling with simple expressions. If that CD involving Aeryn and Ryan and the showdown at the club house was all broadway, it would may have slowed the piece down but you kept true to what the nature of the character would be and do in this situation. Chase comes off very organic and real. There is no force or pressure in Chases thoughts or actions within the first scene. The match shoot is where you stumble. Chase both internally and externally from what is displayed in the first scene could have owned the second just as well. While Chases comments still felt organic through out- as the reader I'm questioning why this brash confidence didn't show its self? Should the battle Royal guys bang Chases GF to get that fiery response? As the reader, I wanted to see Chase- the person in the second scene and it feels like I got Chase the TV PG version. It's a mixed signal because why wouldn't that character continue to act the same way through out? Thats where things fell out. However the flow was spot on. good rhythm, good beats, good introspective monologues that carried the flow and descrip.
Suggestions:
I'm not sure whats new in what you tried differently but my suggestion is let Chase be Chase. He's a very real and organic character that could possibly write himself. As I said before- carry Chases strong personality into the cameras view. That split in personality seems misplaced and out of character. I think thats why the shoot suffers how it did. If we saw brash Chase from his conflict with Ryan, the shoot would write itself you really could start steam rolling everybody. Chase is a strong and well built character off screen. transfer that ON screen and this cold snap will end right quick.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2013 4:21:01 GMT -5
Odin, thanks so much for your feedback. I and I'm sure most of us here appreciate the fact that you're taking the time to read our RPs and evaluate them objectively. I know I certainly do and what I truly appreciate believe it or not is the constructive criticism because it tells me where I'm effective and where I need to improve my skills. Been a while since I've asked too and I know I've lost some of my luster from back in the day so it's time to unrust myself and as you said, replace the Q-Tip with a sharp stick or spear. And yes, I unfortunately am aware of my bare bones scene description, always been a weakness of mine and I will definitely continue to chip away and improve at it. Thanks man. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2013 12:38:49 GMT -5
Thanks alot Odin, really appreciate it, I'll definitely work on putting in that final blow. Much appreciated.
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Post by Odin Balfore on Dec 24, 2013 13:08:53 GMT -5
Having read so many promos, the shoot is the one thing I've commented on throughout. It really shows the evolution of this game and I've seen this game go from " I'm going to go down to the ring and whoop your ass." to guys who are just millionaires with day time problems who just happen to moonlight as wrestlers. I think that in a lot of e feds, the later is now the standard. It's of this game around the personal side of a character and not the character themselves. Nothing wrong with that as it gives the character so much dept and detail but at the end of the day everyone's character earns a pay check by wrestling.
If we take Remus for example. Remus can be a brain surgeon 6 days out of the week. But Sundays is for WCF. Every one has great CD and descriptions and it feels like in the strong sample of RPs that I've read, that, that aspect has become more important than the fact that these characters have a job to do. Ultimately you ( in general terms) have to sell why you are better then your opponent. It bobbles my mind how this went from a wrestling role playing game to just over hyped characters who moon light as wrestlers that don't actually need to do that for any reason.
Wrestling still is a very demanding thing in reality. Sure we can have all the fun we want as writers, the characters are our creations but wrestling is still the selling point and I haven't seen that. To take Eric and Sarah who I pretty much said the same thing about their pieces. Then they have this match which is suppose to cap things off but the feel that I got from it was stagnant from the RP's into this explosion of work that just didnt fit because when we saw the characters, they seemed pre-occupied.
I've been doing this for a very long time and I know there are plenty of people who are right there with me and I'm not expert but there is a way to go about things to where even the silliest of things can work but it's in the delivery. I feel that based on everyones want for my feedback extends beyond the fact that I'm reading promos but giving advice that is well informed so that tells me I have a good sense for this. Its not so much E fed promos but a story in general.
It's like you can have a good song thats good because of music or lyrics but a great song is having both and it seems like match shoot has become a dirty or negative thing but it's exactly what our characters who ARE wrestlers, are suppose to do. You don't have to do the old school AY type of promos but that skill has to be there. This is a competition and the competition boils down to match shoot materials that have gotten lost over the years because its been the CD thats been making the difference in win/lose. Eventually that has to come back around or balance out. from what I read, no one has it or just didnt do it in this pieces I've seen.
There is more to shoot than:
Example 1
Odin: EP, I'm going win. I'm going to hurt you and I'm going to be victorious as ONE
Sure, thats a very confident and commanding statement but thats either the beginning or end of the shoot. If thats the entire shoot, or the rough of the entire shoot- its nothing.
Example:
example 2
Odin: EP. At one, we get to go around that horn again. Step into that ring ONE more time and for something bigger then belts and awards- for pride. You see, EP you may have owned this company, thrown your weight around but you can't own me! Now I get the not only the opportunity but the guarantee to step into that ring and school you in the ways of The Thickness. It's been a long time coming, and boy it ain't gunna be pretty. All this Twilight pity party bullshit, is exactly that. Shit. Look at you. You shameful piece of shit. This time there ain't no runnin or duckin. You gotta come straight for the big man himself and you're about to run right into that NOrdic Tank and I'm going to fuck you up. I get to wrap my massive hands around your neck and take right to the end- Ragnarok. There ain't no getting up from that. YOU will not be getting up from that and all this.. this tripe.. will be over. YOU will be over and I'm just going to continue on bein a bad mohta fucka.
Now I said the same exact thing in both examples but in the 2nd one, I took the reader on a ride. Theres a story just in the shoot alone. The shoots not long winded- its explored. its organic. I know its been said I dance around in circles but its a dance. You may not go far but you take the viewer on a journey with you thats deeper then a box step waltz because a box step waltz is deeper then moving in a square formation.
The shoots important, the dance is important, the song is important. Not the dress, the shoes, the look of the instrument- But what they produce.
Get it?
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Post by Odin Balfore on Dec 24, 2013 13:17:26 GMT -5
And you guys are all very welcome. I appreciate that you all feel that I'm skilled enough and informative enough to do this for you.
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Post by Chase Michaels on Dec 24, 2013 15:26:13 GMT -5
RP: Too Late To Go Back Handler: Chase Overview thoughts: compelling journey regarding a cross roads in Chase's life that forces him to break off from the life he knew and loved. RP Breakdown Scene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 3 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 4 out of 5 Critical Review: Scene Descrip. Perfect when it needed to be. gave a simple over view where that needed to be and blended things very well. The CD is where this piece hits home and keeps on going. It's like Forrest going to find Bubba in the jungle. You just go and go and lay it on thick likecaske frosting. amazing and compelling with simple expressions. If that CD involving Aeryn and Ryan and the showdown at the club house was all broadway, it would may have slowed the piece down but you kept true to what the nature of the character would be and do in this situation. Chase comes off very organic and real. There is no force or pressure in Chases thoughts or actions within the first scene. The match shoot is where you stumble. Chase both internally and externally from what is displayed in the first scene could have owned the second just as well. While Chases comments still felt organic through out- as the reader I'm questioning why this brash confidence didn't show its self? Should the battle Royal guys bang Chases GF to get that fiery response? As the reader, I wanted to see Chase- the person in the second scene and it feels like I got Chase the TV PG version. It's a mixed signal because why wouldn't that character continue to act the same way through out? Thats where things fell out. However the flow was spot on. good rhythm, good beats, good introspective monologues that carried the flow and descrip. Suggestions: I'm not sure whats new in what you tried differently but my suggestion is let Chase be Chase. He's a very real and organic character that could possibly write himself. As I said before- carry Chases strong personality into the cameras view. That split in personality seems misplaced and out of character. I think thats why the shoot suffers how it did. If we saw brash Chase from his conflict with Ryan, the shoot would write itself you really could start steam rolling everybody. Chase is a strong and well built character off screen. transfer that ON screen and this cold snap will end right quick. Thanks the new bits were the using of the images and adding the video to the song, never really done it for rps in the past. As far as the change in personality off screen and on screen, when he was in the club house confronting Ryan and the others he knew despite how much he was hurting he had to show a strong front as it could be the difference between life and death for not only himself but the others he's close to. As far as the shoot part I was trying to portray that as brash as he can be, what happened really has knocked his confidence in himself as Aeryn was the most important thing in his life and gave him that confidence to be that brash. And then with Ryan he was like Chase's brother since childhood so finding out that the two people that he trusted completely and have been there for all his high and lows, would actually do that has made him really question and doubt himself. So while he would never admit it on screen as he's quite a private person in regards to his personal life, signs will start to show just how much it's affected him. But thanks for the feedback I really appreciate it. |
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Post by Logan on Dec 26, 2013 20:10:09 GMT -5
Your feedback of my roleplay was enjoyable to read. A nice pat on my writing ego's back. Thanks.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2013 20:07:19 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on Dec 29, 2013 23:11:30 GMT -5
RP: My New Years resolution: Light em' Up
Handler: Jayden Thunder
Overview thoughts:
A quiet look at a man whose facing very humble beginnings in WCF
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 4
Character Development: 4
Shoot: N/A
Flow: 4
Overall Rating: 4 out of 5
Critical Review:
I've taken into consideration this isnt a match piece but a character introspective s I left shoot out of the equation. The scene descrips were fine. the simplist of terms can often give the deepest of meanings and it is felt right here in this promo after everyone is gone. The CD is an intresting bag because Jayden has to put this defeat at ONE behind him and build from that which can be hard from a character prosective but it seems that the old pro that Jayden is means that he's up to the challenge. The Flow was good, just as it should be for what this promo is. Gota start back from the bottom and go up. If the battle royal was a stand alone match, he'd be in fantastic shape but the loss at the PPV really just un-did what Jayden had worked for earlier in the night.
Overall, a great example of what a character develop RP should be
Suggestions:
I got none for you. Go out there next week and start smashin heads. get back up there in the ranks and be Jayden Thunder- you'll do fine.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 9:33:22 GMT -5
Thanks Odin appreciate you taking the time to review my roleplay and give me feedback on it. After being out of the game a lil bit that means alot.
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Post by The Diaz Brothers on Dec 30, 2013 13:00:59 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on Dec 31, 2013 23:54:08 GMT -5
RP: A Friend Named Darius
Handler: Diaz
Overview thoughts:
Jorge shows off his strange off beat relationship with his father and some.. interesting friends
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 3
Character Development: 4
Shoot: N/A
Flow: 2
Overall Rating: 3 out of 5
Critical Review:
You have some good starting scene descrips. the last one was strong as well. You didnt have to say much to really get me to envision that Jauns place was a total shit hole and that Jaun was just cling on to life by himself with out the need of someone else to care for him. With the CD, you really gave some human aspects to Jorge comparatively to his farther, even with some antics thrown in there that were good for a laugh. I wasnt expecting Darius Rucker- if that was the singer guy but thats who I thought of and that made me laugh to. The small things that I could see where good, basic, but good. This was a CD piece so there was no shoot. The flow was hurt by the fact that this was 3 separate posts put together. Nothing wrong with that but it does make it a bit tougher to follow. I kept thinking I missed a transition somewhere
Suggestions:
Just technical stuff that I mentioned above. Nice job
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Post by The Diaz Brothers on Jan 1, 2014 2:00:08 GMT -5
RP: A Friend Named Darius Handler: Diaz Overview thoughts: Jorge shows off his strange off beat relationship with his father and some.. interesting friends RP Breakdown Scene description: 3 Character Development: 4 Shoot: N/A Flow: 2 Overall Rating: 3 out of 5 Critical Review: You have some good starting scene descrips. the last one was strong as well. You didnt have to say much to really get me to envision that Jauns place was a total shit hole and that Jaun was just cling on to life by himself with out the need of someone else to care for him. With the CD, you really gave some human aspects to Jorge comparatively to his farther, even with some antics thrown in there that were good for a laugh. I wasnt expecting Darius Rucker- if that was the singer guy but thats who I thought of and that made me laugh to. The small things that I could see where good, basic, but good. This was a CD piece so there was no shoot. The flow was hurt by the fact that this was 3 separate posts put together. Nothing wrong with that but it does make it a bit tougher to follow. I kept thinking I missed a transition somewhere Suggestions: Just technical stuff that I mentioned above. Nice job It was the singer... |
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Post by The Diaz Brothers on Jan 2, 2014 0:45:05 GMT -5
And, Odin THANK YOU for being such a great reviewer.... or reader..... person, thats it, person.
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