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Post by Odin Balfore on Jul 3, 2014 0:46:05 GMT -5
I know I'm new here, but I would like to think what our local feedback artist thinks of my first RP if you get a chance.
Thanks in advance
WATCH OUT!
RP: Watch Out! Handler: Livewire Overview thoughts: very dynamic promo RP Breakdown Scene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 2 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 3 out of 5 Critical Review: Livewire has that energy thats great to see and he feels very real. much like how Y2J feels. I got that vibe and I wanted to continue hearing him talk. Then go back to talk with LW's dad and its a little different . Your descriptions were great Your development was even better. You went overboard but you got all that out of the way now Shoot: You did what Doc did. you're gonna win cuz.. yah.. winning! You pretty much had 1 paragraph in that piece. Flow: Flow was great, read wonderfully I almost feel you put too much CD in there. like with Colins RP, you over stretched. Theres nothing wrong if thats your intentions but if you're scratchin your noggin about why I say that, heres why: You gave us plenty of back story with dad in gorilla and you come out and explains your scars and you got that high energy and motovation. You woulda got 5 stars if you upped your shoot a bit more. Then you come back and talk with that. You could have ended the rp when you go backstage again and pick up your next rp with that following conversation. It would have gave your promo some connect-ability and allowed the reader to absorb what you talked about in the ring rather than the lasting impression being LW taking to his assistant. Suggestions: - Expand the shoot. Explore that content, as small as it may be. |
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jul 3, 2014 0:48:17 GMT -5
Thanks Odin! The only reason I split it up into different scenes like that is to make sure the reader knew it was kind of splitting off into a flashback or a flashforward or whatever. It wasn't really to clutter the piece up or anything. Thanks for the feedback again! no no, scene blocking is very good. You might do good to eliminate a few to keep things condensced so the readers not bouncin around too much between ON/OFF camera type stuff. No need to explain yourself. It made sense in your mind. I'm just tryin to help you win matches. get them W's. Alpha male strong shoot #Real_Talk |
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jul 3, 2014 0:50:43 GMT -5
Doc Colin Livewire Gable Sifer Omega Just to bring this back over to page 14 |
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Post by livewire on Jul 3, 2014 1:13:42 GMT -5
Thank you so much. I tried to make.the reasons Gray thought he was gonna win part of the character development. By talking about his past he was saying what makes him better. It was hard bc there's no information other than the bios to feed off of.
I will continue to work on the shoot portion of my promo. Thanks so much again.
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Post by livewire on Jul 3, 2014 7:13:44 GMT -5
I tried to make the 2nd conversation with LW dad to be a second shoot a little bit towards the end.
Also, when I wrote it originally I had introduced 2 more characters and had similar conversations with them that he did with the dad, different content but more CD into a small shoot. That was another 6 pages of RPs that I'm saving for next week.
I wanted to end on the lingering image of the Personal assistant. That's going to be a story that will be getting developed throughout my tenure here I hope, so I wanted to lay the seeds in my first rp.
Thanks again for your feedback, it was fair, and true. I will take what you say into consideration when writing my next promo.
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Post by Alex Richards on Jul 6, 2014 8:28:59 GMT -5
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Post by Doc Henry on Jul 6, 2014 14:44:39 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jul 8, 2014 15:32:43 GMT -5
Doc Colin Livewire Gable Seifer OmegaJust to bring this back over to page 14 ADD Richards Doc I'll get to some of these today |
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jul 8, 2014 17:27:51 GMT -5
Just curious (not meaning to add to more you have to do lol) but if you could give me your thoughts on my RP last week, it would be much appreciated The Answering (A.K.A. Be Kind, Rewind) Please and thank you RP: Be Kind, Rewind Handler: Gable Overview thoughts: Gable makes a good televangelist. Billy Graham better watch out. RP Breakdown Scene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 5 out of 5 Critical Review: Gable just kills it with the preacher talk. Its a very scolding promo that rips into Chase. You know what you're doing and you know that you're doing it well. I think it this is gold. You put in a lot of work and it shows. I have nothing bad to say about this piece. You took a chance with this style and it paid off. The be kind rewind might go over a few peoples heads- anyone younger of course but i don't think that'll be an issue.You're playing up a preacher, you're being heel and you're getting points across. You see your gimmick, you get your development in and you bury your opponent. RP of the week as it should be. Suggestions: None |
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jul 8, 2014 18:03:19 GMT -5
RP: Truth of The Horror Handler: Seifer Overview thoughts: Seifer starting to hit his stride RP Breakdown Scene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 4 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Critical Review: You really like this gimmick and you hit it strong. You found your place and you go for it. You have Samuel and Lori and they follow you and help you out. I dig that Samuel calls you lord, gives you command and power and helps your character along. This started off shaky for you but you worked with it and molded it into something that is unique. I like the songs. Sometimes in RPs they dont work and they hurt. You are consistent with them and it helps the mood of your promo and you really are the only one in WCF who is doing it right now on a consistent basis. Stick wit that and hold onto it because it helps your character. Its your shoot that has you n a strange spot as you make this metamorphosis. Seifer, this new character should not talk like " I'm going to beta you up and get the pin." not everyday wrestler talk. Not that you really do but it puts you in a mind as you have to be more creative to say similar things with out saying it. I just felt you could have done a little bit better and I know that you will down the road as you continue to play this character and you get your wins and flush everything out. All in all, you have a great piece and your making a unique character. Suggestions: None. Just keep pluggin away and it'll call come together - Expand the shoot. Explore that content, as small as it may be. |
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jul 8, 2014 18:26:07 GMT -5
If you wouldn't mind adding it to your "To Review" list, Big AllDaddy Cool, I'd like to get your views on What A Let Down from last week. I'm open to any and all feedback from other people as well, but that should stay in my Feedback Recursion Loop, so as not to jumble up Odin's honoured thread. RP: What A Let Down Handler: Livewire Overview thoughts: Omega tries to make the best of his situation RP Breakdown Scene description: 5 Character Development: 2 Shoot: 4 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 3 out of 5 Critical Review: This is just a straight up shoot promo and you do a good job with the little that you have to work with. You continue to bury your opponents the best you can while trying to keep up your cocky gimmick. Its a good piece but theres not much to further the gimmick. Theres nothing to promote Omega outside the fact that we know hes got 2 no shows across from him. Theres only so much you can say about guys that dont talk back and you did a fine job at throwing some good punches. Your shoot boils down to your last line " Jay: In the end, it all boils down to this: I will win, because I am better. End of story." Sure you can say it because you arnt going to lose- its a free cheep shot. Your gimmick is like an undefeated gimmick. Where do you go when you lose? I know that this is the gimmick you chose to play but what are you going to do different with it? You pulled a bland shoot against your no shows. Theres not much wrong and theres not much good. I just posted to nail the coffin down. You'll hopefully get a good match this week and I can actually see what you can do with this character but unfortunately you're stuck with lot of Bio and Young and IDK if Logan RP'd but.. Easy wins make your character look good but dont help you as a writer I'm interested to see you in a contest and see what you can produce because I'm sure it'll only get better from here. Suggestions: - none |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2014 22:19:52 GMT -5
Much appreciated for the feedback dude. Always enjoy hearing other's thoughts.
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Post by livewire on Jul 9, 2014 10:37:02 GMT -5
Stepping Stones
Hey, I just wanted to get your thoughts on my latest one. You recommended working on the shoot, I just hope that other aspects didn't falter because of it. Thoughts? |
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Post by Kaz on Jul 10, 2014 1:51:07 GMT -5
My new RP - So Lock And Load awaits that minute tap of the Allfather thickness. Whenever you have time on this! Thanks in advance Odin Meltzer! |
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Post by Jay Omega on Jul 10, 2014 9:19:43 GMT -5
In my defense, I didn't know my opponents weren't going to post. But, since you wanted to see what I could do against some real competition, what are your thoughts on He Who Is Not He? I know in advance the formatting could have used some work, but there was a lot of coding involved, and I was too lazy to cut down on the spacing. This time. Also, thank you for taking the time to do this. |
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Post by livewire on Jul 10, 2014 9:51:38 GMT -5
In my defense, I didn't know my opponents weren't going to post. But, since you wanted to see what I could do against some real competition, what are your thoughts on He Who Is Not He? I know in advance the formatting could have used some work, but there was a lot of coding involved, and I was too lazy to cut down on the spacing. This time. Also, thank you for taking the time to do this. He called me real competition... I'm honored!  |
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Post by Jay Omega on Jul 10, 2014 10:01:52 GMT -5
Sorry to burst your bubble, Livewire, but that RP was written against Jayson Price.
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Post by livewire on Jul 10, 2014 11:28:41 GMT -5
Burn!
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Post by Seifer Black on Jul 12, 2014 14:32:00 GMT -5
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Post by Robert Wolf on Jul 13, 2014 16:54:28 GMT -5
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