Alex Richards Celebrates And Somehow Avoids Jail Time
Jul 6, 2014 0:18:07 GMT -5
Logan and Natural ICE Beckman like this
Post by Alex Richards on Jul 6, 2014 0:18:07 GMT -5
Narrator: He did it! He actually did it! Alex Richards did it! Ever since his first match against Logan Alex has been obsessed with capturing the hardcore title, and he finally did. I wonder if he thinks this is his first or second reign? I don't care to be honest I couldn't be prouder of my friend. Not that I'm going to admit that to him. I'll dealt with enough wrestlers over the years with huge egos. Our scene opens in Alex's locker room and it's a mad house! How is a mad house anyways? There is like 40 people in there somehow in spite of the fact I think I'm Alex's only friend. There is streamers, balloons, Zim Quila and a cake. Well there was a cake, Alex just picked up the cake and smashed it against a wall to loud cheering.
Richards: YOLO Adrian! I did it! BOOOOOOM! And I don't even know what's sweetest about tonight! The thing I got to reference Monty Python and beat up Doc Anus? Or was it the fact that nice doctor gave me local anaesthetic while he was stitching me up? Zach slap me!
Zach: With pleasure!
Narrator: I reach back and smack Alex who laughs. Damnit.
Richards: Can't feel a thing? Did you enjoy that?
|Zach: Yes I did.
Richards: Good, this is your celebration too. You've been here for the good times, the bad times and the times I can't even remember! I even got to feel like a little kid again when we brought out all the toys and played with my friends until no one wanted to play with me anymore! No, really the best part was when I held that belt.. okay both those belts..
Narrative: Alex holds his newly won hardcore championship belt.. and his rusty bed spring in the other hand. Then just to spoil the moment licks cake off the wall.
Richards: Delicious! Everything tastes better with success! Or was it the wall? From now on I shall eat all my food splattered off of a wall!
Narrator: Fortunately for my head, which is already hurting from Alex's speech there is a knock at the door. Alex opens it and spots a black box with a card on top of it. Alex looks at the card smiles and read it out loud.
Richards: You took the title away from Logan. You didn't give it to Oblivion. I believe congratulations are in order. But now that you're a champion you can't live on Zima alone. Here's some real alcohol, you uneducated fuck.
P.S. Try not to hurt Arabella Montgomery too badly. She's smoking hot. Beat up Steve Orbit all you want to though.
Richards: I knew this was the best day ever! Hardcore title belt! The doctor gave me some pain pills as a result of the hardcore match! I see a blue cloud in the middle of the room and some stars. Those go great together! And now... now Natural Ice Beckman gives me a gift? Everything is coming up the way of Your Hardcore Champion I'll tell you what!
Zach: How do you even know that box is from Beckman? I did tell you before we turned the camera on you and Beckman were facing off against world champion Steve Orbit and Arabella Montgomery but still that seems too convenient. It could be anything! From anyone!
Richards: Only one way to find out.
Narrator: Alex opens up the black box reaches inside and pulls out a bottle of absinthe. He grins in spite of the pain it's probably causing to his battered face.
Richards: Oh.. classy.
Zach: I heard about this stuff. You should be careful. I hear you either dilute it with water, or put a little onto a sugar cube or... not that1 What are you doing?
Narrator: Alex didn't listen to me at all and quickly opened, then started to chug from the bottle.
Zach: Dude! You have any idea how dangerous that is?
Richards: WOOOOOOOOOO! Now this is how you celebrate! C'mon Zach.. tonight we paint the town of Tokyo fluorescence orange in celebration! We're going to tear through this town like Godzilla at a Walmart!
Zach: Godzilla at a Walmart?
Richards: He loves the Roll Backs! YOLO!
Zach: Only douchebags say yolo.
Richards: Would a douchebag do this...
Narrator: Before I can do anything Alex picks him up and tucks him under his arm charging out the door and soon of the arena holding both of his title belts, the bottle of absinthe in his other arm.
FADE TO BLACK.... OUT
Narrator: We skip forward and we are now at what appears to be the bar at the airport. I look absolutely terrified as well I should be. At first we see a shot of the hardcore championship which appears unharmed. So far so good right? Wrong! Alex's hardcore championship, the rusty bed spring has been skewed with a pitch fork for some reason. Alex looks more than the worse for wear in fact his eyes are bloodshot, he is wearing a now ripped WCF buttfucker t shirt and generally looks barely alive. But that's more than what can be said for the third member of our party, a slight in stature Japanese lady who appears to be a geisha. She is wearing what was probably a beautiful kimono at one point but now the poor lady appears to be covered from head to toe in a mixture of green and blue paint and she isn't moving.. at all.
Zach: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING MAN?
Richards: Urg... don't yell.. my head.
Zach: YOUR HEAD.. YOUR FUCKING HEAD? Dude, we almost got arrested multiple times! MULTIPLE TIMES! We can never go to Japan again! We're wanted.. And look... look.. kidnapping! Really Alex... I thought you on a Zim-quila bender was bad. But the absinthe never again dude!
Richards: I don't remember any of it.
Zach: You don't remember any of it? Really? Fortunately I managed to convince a local to video tape it for us in case we needed it for the legal troubles you're likely to incur. Watch this..
Narrator: Alex starts to watch the tape, then stops it shaking his head.
Richards: Now that I've seen it it's all coming back to me. But that tape isn't accurate.
Zach: It's what happened! Videotape doesn't lie!
Richards: I think it was be spelled. I am facing an evil witch this week. She totally could have tainted the tape in an effort to cheapen the memories.
Zach: Cheapen the memories? What was good about it?
Richards: She totally cast a spell on you Zach. Don't worry man. I can fix it. I can show you what really happened..
Zach: Oh lord...
Narrator: Alex sprints from the airport bar leaving me with the passed out geisha girl and a lot of stares. I really wanted to leave but professionalism forbade me from doing so. Plus, leaving a girl passed out in a bar is too much a scumbag thing for even I to do. Logan probably would have though. Time passes before Alex returns tape in hand. He goes right over to the bartender and for a substantial looking bribe he puts it on the big screen television.
Zach: Dude... now you want to show yourself committing crimes in public?
Richards: Aww man, that is one powerful spell. Don't worry buddy, I'll make Arabelle pay for daring to cast a spell on my best friend. Nobody screws with your mind and gets away with it. Unless it's me and it's funny. But don't worry Zach, I managed to break her so called reality spell on this video through the magic of dubbing. That's right... everything I remembered... I dubbed in! Relax Zach, this is going to be awesome!
( The movie begins and immediately cuts in with Alex is seen sprinting down the street, bottle in hand, titles around his waist as Shaun Zach struggles to keep up. He finally stops at a Japanese tea house where he see a lovely looking young lady through the window dancing, a classical Japanese dance called the buto, not that Alex would know that. She is wearing a wig and a red coloured kimono as well as having white face paint. )
Zach: Thank god I finally found someone to operate the camera for me.
Richards: Your hands are free. Want a drink?
Zach: I think you need a designated thinker so no.
Richards: What's that? Dude, I've drank so much tonight I can barely remember my own name! Check out that awesome dancer in here, and that skin, have you ever seen skin that pale and that hair...
Zach: I believe it's a wig, and the skin is definitely inspired by make up.
Richards: Dude, that's like telling someone Santa isn't real! All I know is.. we gotta party with her!
( Alex storms in the door and goes right to the now shocked looking girl picks her up and places on his shoulders! )
Richards: YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! Now this is a party!
Girl: Says something in Japanese
(yes Alex really dubbed that in)
Richards: Says something in Japanese
(Alex dubs this in but it's of dubious likelihood since Richards barely speaks English let alone any other language. The girl however responses with the universal sign rubbing her fingers together. Alex's eyes light up and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his trusty supply of monopoly money. He starts to count some off, but shakes his head and hands her the entire wad. The girl nods and takes the money, stuffing it down her kimono )
Richards: It worked! It finally worked! Finally someone has the good sense to prefer colourful money! First I win the hardcore championship back now I meet my soul mate best day ever!
Zach: (talking quietly so Alex can't overhear him) I know this is going to go badly. But maybe if I can keep him here nothing too bad will happen. Fortunately I have an idea...
( Shaun walks over to the older lady who appears to be in charge, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his chequebook and offers it to the lady who writes down a number. )
Zach: Are you sure? That won't even cover the damages.
( the lady writes down a larger number, then Shaun signs it. She says something and suddenly the 15 or so patrons and the rest of the Geisha girls in the place head for the exit. )
Zach: Whew that should work. Okay Alex drink all you want, you stay here.
Richards: Thanks buddy I think we should do a victory lap!
( Alex runs around the tea house knocking over several tables with the geisha girl still on his shoulders. He takes another pull from the bottle of absinthe as the video fades off... Then turns back on with a loud crash as Alex runs through the door of the tea house and punches a large hole in the window of the building next door a hardware store. He returns carrying about 8 large cans of paint. )
Richards: This is gonna be fun man! You guys are going to love this! Zach, you know how you always want me to focus on my match?
Zach: Are you kidding, you can barely stand let alone focus on anything. And didn't you just commit a break and enter?
Richards: It's for a good cause! I give you... Arabelle Montgomery!
( Alex shakes up one of the cans of paint for a good time time. And by shaking he mean he vibrates back and forth the way he would think a paint mixer shakes paint before ripping off the lid and dousing the geisha girl who was seated in a chair from head to toe in green paint. The lady doesn't seem to respond at all. )
Zach: Dude, did you really just do that? I can't believe she hasn't screamed or done something violent to you yet. That's assault dude.
( the lady however just shrugs)
Zach: You're alright with that?
( she shrugs again and makes the dollar sign with her hand again. )
Richards: Alright, now that I have the witch Arabelle before me time to ask her a few questions. The kind of questions I would have asked in the dark ages.
Zach: Dude, you're seriously going to use those ancient inquestion methods?
Richards: No, the dark ages as in when I forgot to pay the hydro bill. Which makes me wonder, could you have heated up my entire house with a spell?
GG: Of course I could have! Cackle cackle cackle!
( At this point modern day Shaun turns to Alex. )
Zach: Dude, it's lame using the word cackle in the video even though the girl never actually said anything to you!
Richards: Don't interrupt we're just starting to get somewhere.
Back to the movie
Richards: You really are evil! You could have heated my entire house with a single spell but you chose not to. I could have froze dude!
GG: That's why I'm evil! Cackle cackle cackle!
Richards: How evil? What's the most evil thing you've ever done?
GG: I turned my teacher in witch school into a frog.
Richards: That's not that evil. Being a frog would be pretty sweet. They have some serious jumping power.
GG: Ever hear of frog legs? Cackle cackle cackle!
Richards: Why do you finish every line with a cackle?
GG: I'm a walking, talking cliche! Cackle cackle cackle!
Richards: Wait a second! I don't believe you! I don't think you're really a witch at all. I saw you earlier tonight holding the internet championship. That means you aren't a witch, you're just a troll!
GG: Am I a sexy troll?
Richards: No! Trolls aren't sexy! Especially trolls who think they deserve to be in the main event of show in their fourth match! Maybe you really are a witch, casting a spell over Seth to make him think you are somehow worthy. Zach, what's your judgement witch or troll?
Zach: My judgement. NO MORE ABSINTHE! You're hallucinating and talking to yourself!
Richards: Hmm.. she really is a witch! She cast a spell of invisibility over you so you can't hear her evil words.
Zach: Dude, that's random Japanese girl you painted green, how do you think she's Arabelle. Damnit, I'm never touching absinthe!
Richards: You leave my friend alone Arabelle! It's bad enough you're trying your mind games on me. I can take them. But when you pick on my friend that just makes me mad. You don't want to make me mad Arabelle, last week Oblivion, Seifer, Jeff, and Logan made me mad and you saw what happened to them. You only had to beat one person, I beat four. Wait a sec, where was Logan anyways? You made him disappear with another spell didn't you? Well I really wanted to pin Logan myself so that just succeeds in further angering me! I'll bet you think you're a big deal because you're the new internet champion and you can cast magic spells don't you?
GG: And I will cast my spells on you! Unless you eat some garlic before the match. That totally works on us witches. Cackle cackle cackle!
Zach(in real life): That's vampires dude! You don't even have your mythology right!
Richards: (in real life) Vampires, and witches are no myths you fool! Besides who I am to argue with the words from a witch herself!
Back to the movie!
Richards: In that case, I'll down a whole clove of garlic, I'll down two in fact! Then I'll be immune to your witchy charms! And without your witchy ways you'll have to fight me physically and look at us. Well in spite of your green skin and that wart on the end of your nose you're still much hotter than me but as a wrestler sorry doll you're a hundred pounds soaking wet and you haven't wrestled a half dozen matches. You don't have my size, you don't have my experience. And to be honest you just got in the ring with Adam Young and I hear his habit of sucking tends to rub off on people. How's that for a curse! Now before you go let me leave you a message that works on all witches.
(Alex rushes over towards the counter and grabs a tea pot full of water, the poor Geisha girl shakes her head and points at the pitcher of water beside it. Alex nods, picks that up instead and douses her with it. )
G.G.: I'm melting.. I'm melting!
( She isn't... she isn't. But Alex probably thinks she is, he should really lay off the absinthe. )
Richards: That's right Arabelle your dreams of winning your first main event in the WCF are going to melt just like that! Oh... sorry.. that green paint is ugly. You're a beautiful girl that witch look is so not you! I know how to make you beautiful again.. everyone wants to party with a smurf!
Zach: Haven't you done enough...
( But Alex quickly grabs the blue can of paint, shakes it up then tosses it on the geisha girl now turning her a wet hybrid of green and blue. He also grabs a third can the red one and tosses it at Shaun who dodges it easily probably due to the fact he's swaying so much. )
Richards: How'd you move so fast?
Zach: Magic.
Richards: Damnit Arabelle! I'll have my revenge next week mark my words. Because you caused me to be unable to paint him red I'll paint you black and blue when we get in the ring.
Zach: Um.. dude I was joking.
( the video clips forward where Shaun Zach appears to have fallen asleep and the geisha girl is now reading a book. Alex however is engaged in conversation.. with his hardcore title belt. You shouldn't need to be reminded but the hardcore title isn't really talking again it's dubbed by Richards )
Hardcore Belt: Dude, congratulations on winning me.
Richards: Ummm.. you talk?
Hardcore Belt: Of course I talk! I just choose not to most of the time! I only talk to important people. Plus I was scarred because Logan kept putting me down his pants telling me to kiss the hot dog.
Richards: You want me to put you in therapy once I get back to the States?
Hardcore Belt: That might be a good idea dude. I feel unclean. But that's not why I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you because you seem to be the sort of guy who can help me with my problem.
Richards: What kind of problem do you have?
Hardcore Belt: I have a problem with the world title belt. It's such a smug little bastard. It constantly goes around telling all the other belts it's better than it.
Richards: You're kidding me right? I mean.. you're my belt! No little world title belt is going to take smack to you while I'm around!
Hardcore Belt: I was hoping you'd say that!
Richards: What do I have to do?
Hardcore Belt: Simple this week yourself and the United States champion are facing the internet champion and the world champion. All you have to do is win. You beat Steve Orbit and I get bragging rights over his belt!
Richards: Does anyone ever beat Steve Orbit?
Hardcore Belt: Let me put it to you this way. Did you win at Blast?
Richards: Hell yeah I did.
Hardcore Belt: All Steve Orbit got was a draw. You won, Ice Beckman the US champion won, Steve Orbit didn't win. So clearly you guys can win while he doesn't right?
Richards: Fuck yeah we can!
Hardcore Belt: Then there's his partner the internet champion. You know what the internet is all about? Swearing and porn. It's so low class. If there was a title I hated more than the world title it's the internet title! Besides Arabelle isn't nearly as strong a competitor as Steve so if he find you can't beat him just let her get tagged in and win that win. Technically still a win over the world champion!
( All of the sudden Alex's rusty bed spring the other hardcore title um springs to life and begins to speak. )
Other “Belt”: Don't listen to him! He's an imposter! I'm the real hardcore championship and I say...
( While the title was speaking... the real hardcore title belt walked behind the counter and somehow found a pitch fork and rushed the rusty bed spring pinning it to the table! CGI is fun, although I'm shocked Alex could figure it out. )
Hardcore Belt: No mercy! No mercy! You see that you bring that kind of ruthlessness to your match this match and you're a shoe in!
Richards: Dude.. that was vicious. What did he ever do to you?
Hardcore Belt: If you don't demand respect you won't get it. I mean Steve Orbit is the world champion right? The leader of Pantheon? Well he totally could have overruled Jeff Purse and allowed you to remain a member of Pantheon! He chose not to! He didn't think you were worth the fight! Do you want to give that smug bastard and his smug bastard belt the satisfaction?
Richards: Hell no! I'm going to beat the holy hell out of that pimp! Hoes everywhere will sing my praises once I'm done with Orbit! By hoes of course I mean garden hoes because in addition to being your hardcore champion, the man who's going to knock off Steve Orbit this week, I'm also an avid gardener.
Hardcore Belt: You are not!
Richards: You're right. I just wanted an excuse to use a weed whacker during a hardcore title match.
Hardcore Belt: Focus on Orbit. He's too good to lose focus of.
Richards: Well my partner is miles better than his partner. So really what exactly do we have to fear oh beloved, slightly psychotic title belt of mine.
Hardcore Belt: You just threatened bodily harm with a weed whacker. Who's slightly psychotic? I'm not judging you man. Bring that kind of intensity to the match this week and you'll be pulling off the third huge victory in a row.
Richards: You're right! And who knows maybe this will finally get me accepted by Pantheon! I just pinned one member of Pantheon and I sort of remember Steve singing Jeff's praises last week. Maybe if I beat him as well I'll finally get their respect.
Hardcore Belt: See, now you're thinking clearly. I believe my work here is done.
( the scene cuts out again now our heroes are in the street, Shaun Zach with a worried look on his face, Alex wearing his title belt, dragging his rusty bed spring with the pitchfork through it beside him, and carrying the painted geisha girl on his shoulders again. Alex talks to Shaun Zach while laughing incredibly! )
Richards: Ha ha ha People think I have a head injury. This is just me man! Just me! Ha ha ha! Oh dude... would you look at that crowd!
Zach: Stay away from that crowd. You drank a whole bottle of Absinthe! I don't know how you're conscious!
Richards: I don't know how that crowd of people is not a mosh pit! YEEEEEEEAH!
( Alex screams out HEAVY METAL and charges the crowd who was looking to get into a club but certainly not expecting a 300 pound mad man to charge into their midst. Alex starts a one man mosh pit as club goers try to get out of his way. While one man one woman most pit as the girl on his shoulders tries desperately to hang on. )
Richards: Check it out Shaun 14 guys can't stand up to me what hope does Arabelle and Steve have?
Zach: Hey, you finally got my name right! It took a massive amount of absinthe but you finally got my name right. Hey Alex.. cops!
( Three police are seen charging in the distance. The Geisha girl however reaches into her kimono and pulls out a metal baton and tosses it to Zach. )
Zach: Please don't let this backfire...
( Shawn rushes in with the baton and blasts Richards in the back of the skull. Alex staggers and Shaun hits him again finally dropping the big man for count. The girl and Zach drag off Richards into an alley using the confused crowd of people as cover. Let's be honest though, the girl did most of the dragging. )
Narrator: And that brings us back to modern day and uh oh Alex is looking at me with an expression of anger.
Richards: You knocked me unconscious?
Zach: Um.. dude, I ummm had to.
Richards: Dude... that was a great shot right to the temple! I didn't know you had it in you!
Narrator: Alex gives me a high five. I've never seen someone so happy to take a shot to the head.
Zach: Yeah but we're probably still wanted in Japan! We kidnapped someone!
Richards: Why is she here anyways?
Zach: I couldn't drag you onto the plane by myself.
Richards: But why is she out cold?
I'm not.
Narrator: The geisha girl finally raised and her head and believe it or not this isn't dubbed she actually appears to speak perfect but accented English.
G.G.: I was only sleeping. A flight like that. You're bound to get jet lagged. Besides do you really think you guys could have kidnapped me? I wanted to come to America. Being a geisha girl wasn't all it seems.
Richards: Why not. You get to wear those sweet wigs and that awesome face paint.
G.G.: Yeah but you don't get to do all that nasty sex stuff I thought was part of it. I hitched a ride to America to fulfil my dream of becoming an adult film star.
Zach: So you used us.
G.G.: Sort of. I mean why do you think I accepted that fake money. But also.. I'm really turned on by Mr. Clean.
Richards: You don't like monopoly money? We're done here.
Zach: But..
Richards: We're done here.
G.G.: Hold on a second. You painted me you owe me a favour.
Richards: I guess that's true. What do you want.
G.G.: I want you to beat the hell out of Steve Orbit.
Zach: What do you have against Steve Orbit.
G.G.: I hate the fact that pimps take a cut of their ladies hard earned money. I want you to beat the holy hell out of Steve Orbit and after you defeat him I want you to pull out a giant rubber dildo and fuck him right in the ass with it!
Richards: Um... no. I might be crazy but I'm not that crazy.
G.G.:Okay fine. You're lucky I'm into body paints anyways. Just beat the stuffing out of him and we'll call it even.
Richards: That I can do.
( The girl nods and walks out of the airport bar looking contented. Then she sprints back and hands Alex a piece of paper then exits. )
Richards: That bitch is crazy.
Zach: You called someone else crazy?
Richards: Takes crazy to know crazy.
Zach: Can't believe you blew that sure thing.
Richards: She didn't like my money. That's a deal breaker right there. Got anymore absinthe?
Zach: NO! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED?
Richards: All of that seemed pretty awesome to me. You think Arabelle and Steve learned the lesson?
Zach: Lesson? There was a lesson.
Richards: Yeah, no matter what crazy shit I get myself into I always... always end up on top. I got two title belts that tell that story. And after this week Ice Beckman and I are going to have a victory over the world and internet champions that says the exact same thing. The only question is, whether or not Ice is going to join me in a victory boot of Zim-Quila. Try it you might like it man. Other than that we're going to kick ass and when the match is over I'll be shouting... YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Zach: Oh brother..
Fade to black.
Richards: YOLO Adrian! I did it! BOOOOOOM! And I don't even know what's sweetest about tonight! The thing I got to reference Monty Python and beat up Doc Anus? Or was it the fact that nice doctor gave me local anaesthetic while he was stitching me up? Zach slap me!
Zach: With pleasure!
Narrator: I reach back and smack Alex who laughs. Damnit.
Richards: Can't feel a thing? Did you enjoy that?
|Zach: Yes I did.
Richards: Good, this is your celebration too. You've been here for the good times, the bad times and the times I can't even remember! I even got to feel like a little kid again when we brought out all the toys and played with my friends until no one wanted to play with me anymore! No, really the best part was when I held that belt.. okay both those belts..
Narrative: Alex holds his newly won hardcore championship belt.. and his rusty bed spring in the other hand. Then just to spoil the moment licks cake off the wall.
Richards: Delicious! Everything tastes better with success! Or was it the wall? From now on I shall eat all my food splattered off of a wall!
Narrator: Fortunately for my head, which is already hurting from Alex's speech there is a knock at the door. Alex opens it and spots a black box with a card on top of it. Alex looks at the card smiles and read it out loud.
Richards: You took the title away from Logan. You didn't give it to Oblivion. I believe congratulations are in order. But now that you're a champion you can't live on Zima alone. Here's some real alcohol, you uneducated fuck.
P.S. Try not to hurt Arabella Montgomery too badly. She's smoking hot. Beat up Steve Orbit all you want to though.
Richards: I knew this was the best day ever! Hardcore title belt! The doctor gave me some pain pills as a result of the hardcore match! I see a blue cloud in the middle of the room and some stars. Those go great together! And now... now Natural Ice Beckman gives me a gift? Everything is coming up the way of Your Hardcore Champion I'll tell you what!
Zach: How do you even know that box is from Beckman? I did tell you before we turned the camera on you and Beckman were facing off against world champion Steve Orbit and Arabella Montgomery but still that seems too convenient. It could be anything! From anyone!
Richards: Only one way to find out.
Narrator: Alex opens up the black box reaches inside and pulls out a bottle of absinthe. He grins in spite of the pain it's probably causing to his battered face.
Richards: Oh.. classy.
Zach: I heard about this stuff. You should be careful. I hear you either dilute it with water, or put a little onto a sugar cube or... not that1 What are you doing?
Narrator: Alex didn't listen to me at all and quickly opened, then started to chug from the bottle.
Zach: Dude! You have any idea how dangerous that is?
Richards: WOOOOOOOOOO! Now this is how you celebrate! C'mon Zach.. tonight we paint the town of Tokyo fluorescence orange in celebration! We're going to tear through this town like Godzilla at a Walmart!
Zach: Godzilla at a Walmart?
Richards: He loves the Roll Backs! YOLO!
Zach: Only douchebags say yolo.
Richards: Would a douchebag do this...
Narrator: Before I can do anything Alex picks him up and tucks him under his arm charging out the door and soon of the arena holding both of his title belts, the bottle of absinthe in his other arm.
FADE TO BLACK.... OUT
Narrator: We skip forward and we are now at what appears to be the bar at the airport. I look absolutely terrified as well I should be. At first we see a shot of the hardcore championship which appears unharmed. So far so good right? Wrong! Alex's hardcore championship, the rusty bed spring has been skewed with a pitch fork for some reason. Alex looks more than the worse for wear in fact his eyes are bloodshot, he is wearing a now ripped WCF buttfucker t shirt and generally looks barely alive. But that's more than what can be said for the third member of our party, a slight in stature Japanese lady who appears to be a geisha. She is wearing what was probably a beautiful kimono at one point but now the poor lady appears to be covered from head to toe in a mixture of green and blue paint and she isn't moving.. at all.
Zach: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING MAN?
Richards: Urg... don't yell.. my head.
Zach: YOUR HEAD.. YOUR FUCKING HEAD? Dude, we almost got arrested multiple times! MULTIPLE TIMES! We can never go to Japan again! We're wanted.. And look... look.. kidnapping! Really Alex... I thought you on a Zim-quila bender was bad. But the absinthe never again dude!
Richards: I don't remember any of it.
Zach: You don't remember any of it? Really? Fortunately I managed to convince a local to video tape it for us in case we needed it for the legal troubles you're likely to incur. Watch this..
Narrator: Alex starts to watch the tape, then stops it shaking his head.
Richards: Now that I've seen it it's all coming back to me. But that tape isn't accurate.
Zach: It's what happened! Videotape doesn't lie!
Richards: I think it was be spelled. I am facing an evil witch this week. She totally could have tainted the tape in an effort to cheapen the memories.
Zach: Cheapen the memories? What was good about it?
Richards: She totally cast a spell on you Zach. Don't worry man. I can fix it. I can show you what really happened..
Zach: Oh lord...
Narrator: Alex sprints from the airport bar leaving me with the passed out geisha girl and a lot of stares. I really wanted to leave but professionalism forbade me from doing so. Plus, leaving a girl passed out in a bar is too much a scumbag thing for even I to do. Logan probably would have though. Time passes before Alex returns tape in hand. He goes right over to the bartender and for a substantial looking bribe he puts it on the big screen television.
Zach: Dude... now you want to show yourself committing crimes in public?
Richards: Aww man, that is one powerful spell. Don't worry buddy, I'll make Arabelle pay for daring to cast a spell on my best friend. Nobody screws with your mind and gets away with it. Unless it's me and it's funny. But don't worry Zach, I managed to break her so called reality spell on this video through the magic of dubbing. That's right... everything I remembered... I dubbed in! Relax Zach, this is going to be awesome!
( The movie begins and immediately cuts in with Alex is seen sprinting down the street, bottle in hand, titles around his waist as Shaun Zach struggles to keep up. He finally stops at a Japanese tea house where he see a lovely looking young lady through the window dancing, a classical Japanese dance called the buto, not that Alex would know that. She is wearing a wig and a red coloured kimono as well as having white face paint. )
Zach: Thank god I finally found someone to operate the camera for me.
Richards: Your hands are free. Want a drink?
Zach: I think you need a designated thinker so no.
Richards: What's that? Dude, I've drank so much tonight I can barely remember my own name! Check out that awesome dancer in here, and that skin, have you ever seen skin that pale and that hair...
Zach: I believe it's a wig, and the skin is definitely inspired by make up.
Richards: Dude, that's like telling someone Santa isn't real! All I know is.. we gotta party with her!
( Alex storms in the door and goes right to the now shocked looking girl picks her up and places on his shoulders! )
Richards: YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! Now this is a party!
Girl: Says something in Japanese
(yes Alex really dubbed that in)
Richards: Says something in Japanese
(Alex dubs this in but it's of dubious likelihood since Richards barely speaks English let alone any other language. The girl however responses with the universal sign rubbing her fingers together. Alex's eyes light up and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his trusty supply of monopoly money. He starts to count some off, but shakes his head and hands her the entire wad. The girl nods and takes the money, stuffing it down her kimono )
Richards: It worked! It finally worked! Finally someone has the good sense to prefer colourful money! First I win the hardcore championship back now I meet my soul mate best day ever!
Zach: (talking quietly so Alex can't overhear him) I know this is going to go badly. But maybe if I can keep him here nothing too bad will happen. Fortunately I have an idea...
( Shaun walks over to the older lady who appears to be in charge, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his chequebook and offers it to the lady who writes down a number. )
Zach: Are you sure? That won't even cover the damages.
( the lady writes down a larger number, then Shaun signs it. She says something and suddenly the 15 or so patrons and the rest of the Geisha girls in the place head for the exit. )
Zach: Whew that should work. Okay Alex drink all you want, you stay here.
Richards: Thanks buddy I think we should do a victory lap!
( Alex runs around the tea house knocking over several tables with the geisha girl still on his shoulders. He takes another pull from the bottle of absinthe as the video fades off... Then turns back on with a loud crash as Alex runs through the door of the tea house and punches a large hole in the window of the building next door a hardware store. He returns carrying about 8 large cans of paint. )
Richards: This is gonna be fun man! You guys are going to love this! Zach, you know how you always want me to focus on my match?
Zach: Are you kidding, you can barely stand let alone focus on anything. And didn't you just commit a break and enter?
Richards: It's for a good cause! I give you... Arabelle Montgomery!
( Alex shakes up one of the cans of paint for a good time time. And by shaking he mean he vibrates back and forth the way he would think a paint mixer shakes paint before ripping off the lid and dousing the geisha girl who was seated in a chair from head to toe in green paint. The lady doesn't seem to respond at all. )
Zach: Dude, did you really just do that? I can't believe she hasn't screamed or done something violent to you yet. That's assault dude.
( the lady however just shrugs)
Zach: You're alright with that?
( she shrugs again and makes the dollar sign with her hand again. )
Richards: Alright, now that I have the witch Arabelle before me time to ask her a few questions. The kind of questions I would have asked in the dark ages.
Zach: Dude, you're seriously going to use those ancient inquestion methods?
Richards: No, the dark ages as in when I forgot to pay the hydro bill. Which makes me wonder, could you have heated up my entire house with a spell?
GG: Of course I could have! Cackle cackle cackle!
( At this point modern day Shaun turns to Alex. )
Zach: Dude, it's lame using the word cackle in the video even though the girl never actually said anything to you!
Richards: Don't interrupt we're just starting to get somewhere.
Back to the movie
Richards: You really are evil! You could have heated my entire house with a single spell but you chose not to. I could have froze dude!
GG: That's why I'm evil! Cackle cackle cackle!
Richards: How evil? What's the most evil thing you've ever done?
GG: I turned my teacher in witch school into a frog.
Richards: That's not that evil. Being a frog would be pretty sweet. They have some serious jumping power.
GG: Ever hear of frog legs? Cackle cackle cackle!
Richards: Why do you finish every line with a cackle?
GG: I'm a walking, talking cliche! Cackle cackle cackle!
Richards: Wait a second! I don't believe you! I don't think you're really a witch at all. I saw you earlier tonight holding the internet championship. That means you aren't a witch, you're just a troll!
GG: Am I a sexy troll?
Richards: No! Trolls aren't sexy! Especially trolls who think they deserve to be in the main event of show in their fourth match! Maybe you really are a witch, casting a spell over Seth to make him think you are somehow worthy. Zach, what's your judgement witch or troll?
Zach: My judgement. NO MORE ABSINTHE! You're hallucinating and talking to yourself!
Richards: Hmm.. she really is a witch! She cast a spell of invisibility over you so you can't hear her evil words.
Zach: Dude, that's random Japanese girl you painted green, how do you think she's Arabelle. Damnit, I'm never touching absinthe!
Richards: You leave my friend alone Arabelle! It's bad enough you're trying your mind games on me. I can take them. But when you pick on my friend that just makes me mad. You don't want to make me mad Arabelle, last week Oblivion, Seifer, Jeff, and Logan made me mad and you saw what happened to them. You only had to beat one person, I beat four. Wait a sec, where was Logan anyways? You made him disappear with another spell didn't you? Well I really wanted to pin Logan myself so that just succeeds in further angering me! I'll bet you think you're a big deal because you're the new internet champion and you can cast magic spells don't you?
GG: And I will cast my spells on you! Unless you eat some garlic before the match. That totally works on us witches. Cackle cackle cackle!
Zach(in real life): That's vampires dude! You don't even have your mythology right!
Richards: (in real life) Vampires, and witches are no myths you fool! Besides who I am to argue with the words from a witch herself!
Back to the movie!
Richards: In that case, I'll down a whole clove of garlic, I'll down two in fact! Then I'll be immune to your witchy charms! And without your witchy ways you'll have to fight me physically and look at us. Well in spite of your green skin and that wart on the end of your nose you're still much hotter than me but as a wrestler sorry doll you're a hundred pounds soaking wet and you haven't wrestled a half dozen matches. You don't have my size, you don't have my experience. And to be honest you just got in the ring with Adam Young and I hear his habit of sucking tends to rub off on people. How's that for a curse! Now before you go let me leave you a message that works on all witches.
(Alex rushes over towards the counter and grabs a tea pot full of water, the poor Geisha girl shakes her head and points at the pitcher of water beside it. Alex nods, picks that up instead and douses her with it. )
G.G.: I'm melting.. I'm melting!
( She isn't... she isn't. But Alex probably thinks she is, he should really lay off the absinthe. )
Richards: That's right Arabelle your dreams of winning your first main event in the WCF are going to melt just like that! Oh... sorry.. that green paint is ugly. You're a beautiful girl that witch look is so not you! I know how to make you beautiful again.. everyone wants to party with a smurf!
Zach: Haven't you done enough...
( But Alex quickly grabs the blue can of paint, shakes it up then tosses it on the geisha girl now turning her a wet hybrid of green and blue. He also grabs a third can the red one and tosses it at Shaun who dodges it easily probably due to the fact he's swaying so much. )
Richards: How'd you move so fast?
Zach: Magic.
Richards: Damnit Arabelle! I'll have my revenge next week mark my words. Because you caused me to be unable to paint him red I'll paint you black and blue when we get in the ring.
Zach: Um.. dude I was joking.
( the video clips forward where Shaun Zach appears to have fallen asleep and the geisha girl is now reading a book. Alex however is engaged in conversation.. with his hardcore title belt. You shouldn't need to be reminded but the hardcore title isn't really talking again it's dubbed by Richards )
Hardcore Belt: Dude, congratulations on winning me.
Richards: Ummm.. you talk?
Hardcore Belt: Of course I talk! I just choose not to most of the time! I only talk to important people. Plus I was scarred because Logan kept putting me down his pants telling me to kiss the hot dog.
Richards: You want me to put you in therapy once I get back to the States?
Hardcore Belt: That might be a good idea dude. I feel unclean. But that's not why I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you because you seem to be the sort of guy who can help me with my problem.
Richards: What kind of problem do you have?
Hardcore Belt: I have a problem with the world title belt. It's such a smug little bastard. It constantly goes around telling all the other belts it's better than it.
Richards: You're kidding me right? I mean.. you're my belt! No little world title belt is going to take smack to you while I'm around!
Hardcore Belt: I was hoping you'd say that!
Richards: What do I have to do?
Hardcore Belt: Simple this week yourself and the United States champion are facing the internet champion and the world champion. All you have to do is win. You beat Steve Orbit and I get bragging rights over his belt!
Richards: Does anyone ever beat Steve Orbit?
Hardcore Belt: Let me put it to you this way. Did you win at Blast?
Richards: Hell yeah I did.
Hardcore Belt: All Steve Orbit got was a draw. You won, Ice Beckman the US champion won, Steve Orbit didn't win. So clearly you guys can win while he doesn't right?
Richards: Fuck yeah we can!
Hardcore Belt: Then there's his partner the internet champion. You know what the internet is all about? Swearing and porn. It's so low class. If there was a title I hated more than the world title it's the internet title! Besides Arabelle isn't nearly as strong a competitor as Steve so if he find you can't beat him just let her get tagged in and win that win. Technically still a win over the world champion!
( All of the sudden Alex's rusty bed spring the other hardcore title um springs to life and begins to speak. )
Other “Belt”: Don't listen to him! He's an imposter! I'm the real hardcore championship and I say...
( While the title was speaking... the real hardcore title belt walked behind the counter and somehow found a pitch fork and rushed the rusty bed spring pinning it to the table! CGI is fun, although I'm shocked Alex could figure it out. )
Hardcore Belt: No mercy! No mercy! You see that you bring that kind of ruthlessness to your match this match and you're a shoe in!
Richards: Dude.. that was vicious. What did he ever do to you?
Hardcore Belt: If you don't demand respect you won't get it. I mean Steve Orbit is the world champion right? The leader of Pantheon? Well he totally could have overruled Jeff Purse and allowed you to remain a member of Pantheon! He chose not to! He didn't think you were worth the fight! Do you want to give that smug bastard and his smug bastard belt the satisfaction?
Richards: Hell no! I'm going to beat the holy hell out of that pimp! Hoes everywhere will sing my praises once I'm done with Orbit! By hoes of course I mean garden hoes because in addition to being your hardcore champion, the man who's going to knock off Steve Orbit this week, I'm also an avid gardener.
Hardcore Belt: You are not!
Richards: You're right. I just wanted an excuse to use a weed whacker during a hardcore title match.
Hardcore Belt: Focus on Orbit. He's too good to lose focus of.
Richards: Well my partner is miles better than his partner. So really what exactly do we have to fear oh beloved, slightly psychotic title belt of mine.
Hardcore Belt: You just threatened bodily harm with a weed whacker. Who's slightly psychotic? I'm not judging you man. Bring that kind of intensity to the match this week and you'll be pulling off the third huge victory in a row.
Richards: You're right! And who knows maybe this will finally get me accepted by Pantheon! I just pinned one member of Pantheon and I sort of remember Steve singing Jeff's praises last week. Maybe if I beat him as well I'll finally get their respect.
Hardcore Belt: See, now you're thinking clearly. I believe my work here is done.
( the scene cuts out again now our heroes are in the street, Shaun Zach with a worried look on his face, Alex wearing his title belt, dragging his rusty bed spring with the pitchfork through it beside him, and carrying the painted geisha girl on his shoulders again. Alex talks to Shaun Zach while laughing incredibly! )
Richards: Ha ha ha People think I have a head injury. This is just me man! Just me! Ha ha ha! Oh dude... would you look at that crowd!
Zach: Stay away from that crowd. You drank a whole bottle of Absinthe! I don't know how you're conscious!
Richards: I don't know how that crowd of people is not a mosh pit! YEEEEEEEAH!
( Alex screams out HEAVY METAL and charges the crowd who was looking to get into a club but certainly not expecting a 300 pound mad man to charge into their midst. Alex starts a one man mosh pit as club goers try to get out of his way. While one man one woman most pit as the girl on his shoulders tries desperately to hang on. )
Richards: Check it out Shaun 14 guys can't stand up to me what hope does Arabelle and Steve have?
Zach: Hey, you finally got my name right! It took a massive amount of absinthe but you finally got my name right. Hey Alex.. cops!
( Three police are seen charging in the distance. The Geisha girl however reaches into her kimono and pulls out a metal baton and tosses it to Zach. )
Zach: Please don't let this backfire...
( Shawn rushes in with the baton and blasts Richards in the back of the skull. Alex staggers and Shaun hits him again finally dropping the big man for count. The girl and Zach drag off Richards into an alley using the confused crowd of people as cover. Let's be honest though, the girl did most of the dragging. )
Narrator: And that brings us back to modern day and uh oh Alex is looking at me with an expression of anger.
Richards: You knocked me unconscious?
Zach: Um.. dude, I ummm had to.
Richards: Dude... that was a great shot right to the temple! I didn't know you had it in you!
Narrator: Alex gives me a high five. I've never seen someone so happy to take a shot to the head.
Zach: Yeah but we're probably still wanted in Japan! We kidnapped someone!
Richards: Why is she here anyways?
Zach: I couldn't drag you onto the plane by myself.
Richards: But why is she out cold?
I'm not.
Narrator: The geisha girl finally raised and her head and believe it or not this isn't dubbed she actually appears to speak perfect but accented English.
G.G.: I was only sleeping. A flight like that. You're bound to get jet lagged. Besides do you really think you guys could have kidnapped me? I wanted to come to America. Being a geisha girl wasn't all it seems.
Richards: Why not. You get to wear those sweet wigs and that awesome face paint.
G.G.: Yeah but you don't get to do all that nasty sex stuff I thought was part of it. I hitched a ride to America to fulfil my dream of becoming an adult film star.
Zach: So you used us.
G.G.: Sort of. I mean why do you think I accepted that fake money. But also.. I'm really turned on by Mr. Clean.
Richards: You don't like monopoly money? We're done here.
Zach: But..
Richards: We're done here.
G.G.: Hold on a second. You painted me you owe me a favour.
Richards: I guess that's true. What do you want.
G.G.: I want you to beat the hell out of Steve Orbit.
Zach: What do you have against Steve Orbit.
G.G.: I hate the fact that pimps take a cut of their ladies hard earned money. I want you to beat the holy hell out of Steve Orbit and after you defeat him I want you to pull out a giant rubber dildo and fuck him right in the ass with it!
Richards: Um... no. I might be crazy but I'm not that crazy.
G.G.:Okay fine. You're lucky I'm into body paints anyways. Just beat the stuffing out of him and we'll call it even.
Richards: That I can do.
( The girl nods and walks out of the airport bar looking contented. Then she sprints back and hands Alex a piece of paper then exits. )
Richards: That bitch is crazy.
Zach: You called someone else crazy?
Richards: Takes crazy to know crazy.
Zach: Can't believe you blew that sure thing.
Richards: She didn't like my money. That's a deal breaker right there. Got anymore absinthe?
Zach: NO! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED?
Richards: All of that seemed pretty awesome to me. You think Arabelle and Steve learned the lesson?
Zach: Lesson? There was a lesson.
Richards: Yeah, no matter what crazy shit I get myself into I always... always end up on top. I got two title belts that tell that story. And after this week Ice Beckman and I are going to have a victory over the world and internet champions that says the exact same thing. The only question is, whether or not Ice is going to join me in a victory boot of Zim-Quila. Try it you might like it man. Other than that we're going to kick ass and when the match is over I'll be shouting... YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Zach: Oh brother..
Fade to black.
