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Post by Jay Omega on Jun 24, 2014 13:14:00 GMT -5
I don't generally ask for feedback, 'cause I know I'm good at what I do, but I've been out of the game for a while, and was hoping someone would look over An Introduction, and confirm for me that I've still got "it". And remember, this is but a taste of things to come, as I grow increasingly comfortable with my new surroundings. |
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 24, 2014 14:58:32 GMT -5
I don't generally ask for feedback, 'cause I know I'm good at what I do, but I've been out of the game for a while, and was hoping someone would look over An Introduction, and confirm for me that I've still got "it". And remember, this is but a taste of things to come, as I grow increasingly comfortable with my new surroundings. RP: An Introduction. Handler: Jay Omega Overview thoughts: A very drawn out introduction. RP Breakdown Scene description: 3 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 3 Flow: 3 Overall Rating: 3 out of 5 Critical Review: Intros are difficult. That is never going to change. However, Omega admits that they are a pain in the ass and even rattles off things he shouldn't do then proceeds to do them. Why? I'll get to that in a minute. I'll break down why I graded what I did Scene Description: Even though you had a strong word choice, your scene description was still find of bland. You have things such as " Camera pans up/ pans down" and " Omega grins." Not exactly description and even your more detailed attempts were just describing clothes. Why are Omegas and Aji's clothing choice so important that I need to know color? That had zero significant to the piece. Character Development: So Omegas another run of the mil cocky asshole? Thats cool. Thats your choice. But it's still run of the mill? You just kind of threw every cocky stereotype into a blender. None of it really stands out. Just kind of roll my eyes at it. But again, your choice. I gave you a 3 of 5 because you didnt sy anything insightful. It boiled down " I beat this guy but that doesnt matter. " then you go on to tell me how the audience should know who " LOW" is. We don't. you didnt tell us what made such feuds special or you special. You CAN give a fed history of your character and not kill it with ego. You just fed the ego and killed your own history. Shoot: It was there. You mentioned your opponents and how it wasnt fair more for you then it was for them. Your character claimed to scout but you forgot that they are accomplished champions in WCF.. you arn't. Again, the ego of the character really takes away from the effectiveness because you tuched on the match but let it there. Your shoot was effectively " I'm going to win because I'm better. End of story. " Unfortunately for Omega, there has to be more of that story. Flow: The piece felt clunky and drawn out. You kept talking and you had banter with AJ but it didnt help the floe of the piece, it didnt add humor or depth to the character either. All in all, its a decent intro. it happens. cant fault you for it. You just fell into classic pitfalls, even after admitting that what you did the entire time was a pitfall. You didn't give the audience a chance to connect or care out side of the 4 people that know your character. I don't know your character and I still don't. Just that Omegas a cocky guy whose been grinding forever for no particular reason other then " why not?" well.. next time.. tell us why Suggestions: - If you're going to list pitfalls dont fall for them. - substance over style - work on your shoot. - back story still matters and you can deliver it in a way that is effective with out running into the issue of " why should the reader care. " - watch the banter and brief descriptions, they don't do favors |
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Post by Jay Omega on Jul 6, 2014 18:23:36 GMT -5
I get bored easily, love to write, and have a lot of time on my hands. So, I just posted Clubbing With the Cockblockers, and I demand validation. Read my shit, and tell me if you think I should make it a weekly thing. I'm willing to have special guests, so if this pans out, and you're interested in hitting a club with the Omega Man and the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer, hit me with a PM. And, as always, keep it classy, folks. |
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Post by Alex Richards on Jul 6, 2014 18:35:49 GMT -5
absolutely.. that shit was funny
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Post by Jay Omega on Jul 6, 2014 18:47:39 GMT -5
Thanks, but I knew you'd like it, pal. I was hoping for thoughts from the rest of the crazies... uh, family.
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Post by Jay Omega on Jul 13, 2014 20:32:14 GMT -5
Clubbing With the Cockblockers 2: Club Harder has been posted. I'm not expecting feedback, though I'll take it, I'm just drawing more attention to the "show". Go read it before Slam is up, or I'll cry. Actually, I'm more likely to hit the bong, and forget I even made this demand.
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