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Post by Odin Balfore on Jul 21, 2014 19:47:24 GMT -5
RP: Fountainhead to the Karass... Handler: Chelsea Overview thoughts: It didnt click. I had to stop and reread a few times RP Breakdown Scene description: 3 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 2 Flow: 2 Overall Rating:2.5 out of 5 Critical Review:
WARNING: VERY CRITICAL REVIEW AHEAD This is a piece were I had to read and reread an entire scene and a half to grasp the fact that Chelseas parents were still dead. You had made that clear in scene that they were ghost/memories/ something else. Then the next scene you started with : " Arriving at the training facility my parents had rode the whole trip with me and sat by me on the plane, it felt good to be able to sleep with my head on my momma’s shoulder again, sure they got looks from a few other passengers but we didn’t care. "in contrast to: " I swear I can feel her arm around my shoulders as I move to the grass and lean back against the bench like I used to do as a child and sit between their feet, feeling comforted and safe as I knew they would protect me from anything. " I'm fine for scene two. It's introspective, you have a good promo then you just assume the controls and nose dive into parts unknown. They are either there or not there. Everyone an see them or no one can see them. I'm the audience. I only know what you tell me what to know. If you say in your narration that people can see them an getting weird looks, then where is the continuity that Scott can see them? They are both right there when Chelsea meets back up with him hence why you said:
“You guys ready to meet Scott?”So you've established that your parents arnt really there yet people CAN see them yet they don't interact with Scott nor does Scott interact with them? They want to help their daughter so bad yet Scott can provide the entirety of your shoot for the match with this:
"Fine. I will allow you to remain unchained. However, if you disobey me, or behave this way again, it will be the gravest mistake you have ever made. I did not come here to play and be nice. I came here to make you a remorseless killing machine. That is what I have done. The rest is up to you, and your attitude. Which I dare say is suspect at best at the moment. Here is the deal. If you can pull yourself together, I won't turn you into the next Benjamin Atreyu. Go out there this Sunday and prove to me you’re worthy of my time. Maybe then we will talk about our arrangement." Such caring parents Chelsea has. Scott whose her trainer/ manager / 50 shades of jobber grey- calls her a bitch, talks down to her, insults her and threatens her and all we get is:
“Anything for my baby, now get some sleep, we have a big day coming this weekend. We gotta make sure you win that match sweetie, this is the start of many things for you.”So tell me where the parents come into the equation and be parents or just concerned people? No ones mad over Scott's dialogue. You gotta be consistent with how you use special characters like Chelsea's parents. Scene description: Narration is not description. You can narrate and carry your description but you didnt do that as much as just tell us what you're doing. It was fine but could have been better Character Development: You started fine. Chelsea is going to be " unleashed" Shes going to start kickin ass and act like an armstrong.. yet still act like the stereotype of a women in an abusive relationship. You took a step forward then took one backwards Shoot: Scott Savage gave us your shoot. Thats fine, he's your manager but I already showed what he gave us for match related content and it was sub par for a champion. Flow: I had to go back and reread a good portion of the piece to understand it to some degree. Going back to reread in a promo slows it down and ruined any built up effects Suggestions: - Act like a champion - be more concrete in descriptions - be more concrete in your shoot - try to be productive in character development and not take step backwards |
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Post by Chelsea Armstrong on Jul 21, 2014 20:00:45 GMT -5
Thank you Odin, you've given me a lot to work on this week and helped open my mind a lot. I needed that.
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Post by livewire on Jul 21, 2014 20:20:37 GMT -5
You took that feedback like a champ, Chelsea. That was critical and informative Odin. I did not.catch any of those nuances you did.
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Post by Logan on Jul 21, 2014 20:21:40 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jul 21, 2014 20:58:47 GMT -5
RP: The Dawning Handler: Mach-Ana Overview thoughts: an abstract read. Long but good. RP Breakdown Scene description: 2 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 2 Flow: 2 Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 5 Critical Review: Its hard to grade this promo because it's very abstract. Theres a lot going on but not much in the way of the match. I've read this promo a few times and considering the length, thats a good while. I like the promo and I like the concept. I always enjoy your work it's always very deep and poetic but it's not a match promo. Just condense the promo and fill in the gaps with the match shoot. You have many angles you could work to create this great character that people want to see. Lets see it. Its a new gimmick. Theres going to be bumps in the road but let loose and have fun Suggestions: I dont have any. You know where you gotta hit it strong |
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jul 21, 2014 21:00:01 GMT -5
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Post by Robert Wolf on Jul 21, 2014 21:22:09 GMT -5
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Post by Logan on Jul 21, 2014 21:23:27 GMT -5
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Post by "The Black Dragon" Alex Jones on Jul 24, 2014 1:52:05 GMT -5
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Post by justincash on Aug 24, 2014 13:32:52 GMT -5
wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/21842/bad-guy-soft-heartI would really like some feedback to help improve my character and my writing skills. This is only my third rp since I started writing again and each one I feel is getting better but I'd like an honest outside perspective. If you could include suggestions on how to improve certain things I'd be very appreciative. Please don't hold back on your criticism.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2014 18:20:03 GMT -5
wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/21823/transformation-completeHey Odin. Returning as Apocalypse so getting back in the swing of things RP'ing as Apocalypse. Could I get your suggestions, feedback, etc. on things I need to improve and shaking off that "ring rust". Thanks as always for taking the time to do these. It is appreciated.
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Post by Thomas Uriel Bates on Apr 13, 2015 19:00:38 GMT -5
Odin, the Allfather! Thor (well, my picturebase anyway) humbly requests your reviews. In other words; I would love to have my latest roleplays reviewed by the great and all powerful Odin. Thomas Uriel Bates "Introductions"Thomas Uriel Bates "The World Will Shake"Caraid (Charlie & Connor) "To Laugh & Dance" |
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2015 13:41:50 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 18, 2015 17:30:40 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2015 8:33:08 GMT -5
Odin! It's been a while! I was hoping you would be kind enough to give me something to chew on with my latest RP when you have some time  The Carnival Returns |
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Post by Alex Richards on May 19, 2015 11:18:36 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 19, 2015 16:03:35 GMT -5
RP: Play Time is Over
Handler: Danny “ Givin your bitch the D” Anderson ( Anderson)
Overview thoughts:
A very well rounded promo that give the reader everything s/he could want in a promo. Very impressed.
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 5
Character Development: 5
Shoot: 5
Flow: 5
Overall Rating: 5 out of 5
Critical Review:
You always said you could never jell with your creations. You made all these guys each with different strengths but I think and I hope you feel the same- that this is the guy to stick with. Danny Anderson is a very universal character that has strength in his utility. In this promo I got the sense that Anderson can be anything you need him to be in a match.
Take example. ZMAC is a great brawler but not a good tactician.
Anderson could be both and have it believable.
You created a very real character thats very project-able. I can attach myself as the reader to this character and take a ride. That is something hard to do and with this promo, you do it very well. I don't see any negatives with this promo outside of nit picks that don't even effect the piece. You have strong descriptions, your character development of Anderson really attacking the fact that it took 2 Hang-Over DDTs to put him away puts him on the level for main event spots. I hope you keep working like this and with this much heart. I could praise this up and down but this right here- this style- your character- it can go the distance in WCF.
The only issue I could see is that you had 10 chapters. Holy Crap. However, you felt you needed them to tell your story this week. Cool. If you feel you can do without a scene and hold it till next week, do it. The promo was a lot to get through. It was still enjoyable but it was heavy at times. Thats really no fault of your own, thats just how a larger piece is going to feel unless you're telling one large fluid story rather than one chapter for CD and the next for shoot.
But keep this up. I looked at this and went “ damn. Why didnt I do that?” you were connecting on levels that I didnt think to connect and addressed things I didnt address; so you're flyin high.
Suggestions:
- If you wanted one ( which you don't) maybe try and take less important scenes out.
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2015 16:11:01 GMT -5
RP: Play Time is Over Handler: Danny “ Givin your bitch the D” Anderson ( Anderson) Overview thoughts:A very well rounded promo that give the reader everything s/he could want in a promo. Very impressed. RP BreakdownScene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 5 out of 5 Critical Review:
You always said you could never jell with your creations. You made all these guys each with different strengths but I think and I hope you feel the same- that this is the guy to stick with. Danny Anderson is a very universal character that has strength in his utility. In this promo I got the sense that Anderson can be anything you need him to be in a match. Take example. ZMAC is a great brawler but not a good tactician. Anderson could be both and have it believable. You created a very real character thats very project-able. I can attach myself as the reader to this character and take a ride. That is something hard to do and with this promo, you do it very well. I don't see any negatives with this promo outside of nit picks that don't even effect the piece. You have strong descriptions, your character development of Anderson really attacking the fact that it took 2 Hang-Over DDTs to put him away puts him on the level for main event spots. I hope you keep working like this and with this much heart. I could praise this up and down but this right here- this style- your character- it can go the distance in WCF. The only issue I could see is that you had 10 chapters. Holy Crap. However, you felt you needed them to tell your story this week. Cool. If you feel you can do without a scene and hold it till next week, do it. The promo was a lot to get through. It was still enjoyable but it was heavy at times. Thats really no fault of your own, thats just how a larger piece is going to feel unless you're telling one large fluid story rather than one chapter for CD and the next for shoot. But keep this up. I looked at this and went “ damn. Why didnt I do that?” you were connecting on levels that I didnt think to connect and addressed things I didnt address; so you're flyin high. Suggestions:- If you wanted one ( which you don't) maybe try and take less important scenes out. Holy crap! I was floored by the 5 out of 5. I wasn't expecting that. And so far (knock on wood) I'm having a great time as Danny Anderson. Thanks to Bates and DRG I was able to have a good back story for him to come in on and because of Trios etc he's got a good starting foundation in WCF. I dropped Bryan Payne so I can focus on getting Danny over and to make sure I have my time for him. The only reason this role play was big was because it was two RP's in one, I tacked on what I had written the previous week (when I no-showed) into what I was going to write last week. This week I'm going back to my normal range of 3, 5, or 7k max words. Thanks for taking the time to do this and give me that confidence boost to keep doin' what I'm doin' on Danny. It keeps that fire there so I can keep pumping out work striving to get another 5 out of 5. Thanks again All Fawda! |
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Post by Joey Flash on May 19, 2015 16:13:29 GMT -5
RP: Play Time is Over Handler: Danny “ Givin your bitch the D” Anderson ( Anderson) Overview thoughts:A very well rounded promo that give the reader everything s/he could want in a promo. Very impressed. RP BreakdownScene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 5 out of 5 Critical Review:
You always said you could never jell with your creations. You made all these guys each with different strengths but I think and I hope you feel the same- that this is the guy to stick with. Danny Anderson is a very universal character that has strength in his utility. In this promo I got the sense that Anderson can be anything you need him to be in a match. Take example. ZMAC is a great brawler but not a good tactician. Anderson could be both and have it believable. You created a very real character thats very project-able. I can attach myself as the reader to this character and take a ride. That is something hard to do and with this promo, you do it very well. I don't see any negatives with this promo outside of nit picks that don't even effect the piece. You have strong descriptions, your character development of Anderson really attacking the fact that it took 2 Hang-Over DDTs to put him away puts him on the level for main event spots. I hope you keep working like this and with this much heart. I could praise this up and down but this right here- this style- your character- it can go the distance in WCF. The only issue I could see is that you had 10 chapters. Holy Crap. However, you felt you needed them to tell your story this week. Cool. If you feel you can do without a scene and hold it till next week, do it. The promo was a lot to get through. It was still enjoyable but it was heavy at times. Thats really no fault of your own, thats just how a larger piece is going to feel unless you're telling one large fluid story rather than one chapter for CD and the next for shoot. But keep this up. I looked at this and went “ damn. Why didnt I do that?” you were connecting on levels that I didnt think to connect and addressed things I didnt address; so you're flyin high. Suggestions:- If you wanted one ( which you don't) maybe try and take less important scenes out.  MORE ALLFATHER! |
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 19, 2015 16:13:57 GMT -5
Alright then! At least what you wrote last week didnt go to waste
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