Post by Odin Balfore on Jul 21, 2014 19:47:24 GMT -5
RP: Fountainhead to the Karass...
Overview thoughts: It didnt click. I had to stop and reread a few times
Scene description: 3
Character Development: 3
Overall Rating:2.5 out of 5
WARNING: VERY CRITICAL REVIEW AHEAD
This is a piece were I had to read and reread an entire scene and a half to grasp the fact that Chelseas parents were still dead. You had made that clear in scene that they were ghost/memories/ something else. Then the next scene you started with :
" Arriving at the training facility my parents had rode the whole trip with me and sat by me on the plane, it felt good to be able to sleep with my head on my momma’s shoulder again, sure they got looks from a few other passengers but we didn’t care. "
in contrast to:
" I swear I can feel her arm around my shoulders as I move to the grass and lean back against the bench like I used to do as a child and sit between their feet, feeling comforted and safe as I knew they would protect me from anything. "
I'm fine for scene two. It's introspective, you have a good promo then you just assume the controls and nose dive into parts unknown. They are either there or not there. Everyone an see them or no one can see them. I'm the audience. I only know what you tell me what to know. If you say in your narration that people can see them an getting weird looks, then where is the continuity that Scott can see them? They are both right there when Chelsea meets back up with him hence why you said:
“You guys ready to meet Scott?”
So you've established that your parents arnt really there yet people CAN see them yet they don't interact with Scott nor does Scott interact with them? They want to help their daughter so bad yet Scott can provide the entirety of your shoot for the match with this:
"Fine. I will allow you to remain unchained. However, if you disobey me, or behave this way again, it will be the gravest mistake you have ever made. I did not come here to play and be nice. I came here to make you a remorseless killing machine. That is what I have done. The rest is up to you, and your attitude. Which I dare say is suspect at best at the moment. Here is the deal. If you can pull yourself together, I won't turn you into the next Benjamin Atreyu. Go out there this Sunday and prove to me you’re worthy of my time. Maybe then we will talk about our arrangement."
Such caring parents Chelsea has. Scott whose her trainer/ manager / 50 shades of jobber grey- calls her a bitch, talks down to her, insults her and threatens her and all we get is:
“Anything for my baby, now get some sleep, we have a big day coming this weekend. We gotta make sure you win that match sweetie, this is the start of many things for you.”
So tell me where the parents come into the equation and be parents or just concerned people? No ones mad over Scott's dialogue. You gotta be consistent with how you use special characters like Chelsea's parents.
Scene description: Narration is not description. You can narrate and carry your description but you didnt do that as much as just tell us what you're doing. It was fine but could have been better
Character Development: You started fine. Chelsea is going to be " unleashed" Shes going to start kickin ass and act like an armstrong.. yet still act like the stereotype of a women in an abusive relationship. You took a step forward then took one backwards
Shoot: Scott Savage gave us your shoot. Thats fine, he's your manager but I already showed what he gave us for match related content and it was sub par for a champion.
Flow: I had to go back and reread a good portion of the piece to understand it to some degree. Going back to reread in a promo slows it down and ruined any built up effects
- Act like a champion
- be more concrete in descriptions
- be more concrete in your shoot
- try to be productive in character development and not take step backwards