|
|
Post by Seifer Black on Jun 13, 2014 20:31:43 GMT -5
Thank you very much mate, ill keep it all in mind when i have my next match
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2014 20:49:54 GMT -5
Hey boss. I was wondering if I could get some feedback on my first RP for Isaiah? War Paint |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2014 8:10:01 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 15, 2014 15:45:51 GMT -5
RP: War Paint
Handler: Isaiah Chavis
Overview thoughts: Oh? You're a man who identifies as a Juggalo, whose trying to be a wrestler? Tell me more about how your individual. /wonkameme.exe
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 4
Character Development: 3
Shoot: 3
Flow: 4
Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Critical Review:
What you see is what you get in this promo. Its a debut and theres not much else too it. We get a decent scene description through and a solid intro and background of the character. There isnt any motovation as to why Chavis became a wrestler or what promotion he was in or why WCF contacted him, which would have been a nice touch and gave the reader a better sense of the character. There is also a good shoot portion of this piece that is done well but doesnt focus on the match so much as just a generalized shoot. You gave good character motovation for plans in WCF but as far as the opponents, they were kind of glossed over. You could have said they were running scared or punkin out or magic ninjas, chicken huntin' ect ect.. I woulda bought into it but you left off with out any build or excitement or anything that Isaiah is someone to watch out for in this debut.
Suggestions:
- when you have multiple opponents, try and swing hard against them both since the match is unpredictable as to what your opponents might say. Even if they don't RP, use that. Create the sesnse that your character is going to win, no questions asked.
|
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 15, 2014 16:09:00 GMT -5
RP: He Waits, She Wants, I Feed. Handler: Ana Valentine Overview thoughts: A very interpersonal piece with very good scene set up and shoot aspects RP Breakdown Scene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 3 Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Critical Review: I don't have any glaring issues with this piece except that it felt very lengthy and heavy. Thats really where the promo suffered but nothing that you did in any of the other fields. In fact, they were all excellent. You did a fantastic job with the descriptions, you did a great job with your character development and you laid it on thick with your match shoot. The inner monologues were great, at least I assumed the white text to be the inner monologues. I enjoyed them as it gives a lot of depth to your character. Ana's grieving, shes upset and shes right on the edge of snapping. The inner demon/monster gimmick is starting to get played out in WCF but you did a great job with it and gave the audience something to latch onto. Suggestions: - Theres not much I can think of to help with the flow of the promo. Its feels like a side effect of what you had set up and accomplished. Truely nothing wrong with it but if you feel its an issue and want to address it, you could cut down on the wordiness of the piece |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2014 16:21:22 GMT -5
Thanks for taking the time Hun much appreciated... I felt the flow was a little off too, but I tried to trim it and it interrupted the emotions I was trying to display so it sacrificed flow to gain effect I guess lol, and yeah the White is inner monologue, glad that came,across  greatly appreciated as always x |
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 15, 2014 17:17:58 GMT -5
No problem. Like I said, the flow is just one thing that gets in the way because conveying emotions and story are more important. Great piece.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2014 19:22:19 GMT -5
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2014 20:42:37 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 15, 2014 20:49:31 GMT -5
RP: Destined For Greatness Handler: Jason Xavier Overview thoughts: A very good character introduction. RP Breakdown Scene description: 2 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 3 Flow: 3 Overall Rating: 3 out of 5 Critical Review: You have a lot of good character development in this promo and description and history of the building that counts for your development but unfortunately didnt count towards your scene description because you were using it as a back story and not present day sorta thing. Your characters history in the project was a great read but everything else was so- so. You could have done a lot better with the scene description and the shoot. The flow wasnt great either with the video the the lyrics from the video then the large building pic and the brown color for Hank that doesnt show well on my black WCF background. You had good intentions just poor execution. Suggestions: - When you shoot , you shoot to win and leave no doubt that you can lose. - when you develop scene, be descript and help the reader paint a picture - try and use better colors for your codes. |
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 15, 2014 21:20:47 GMT -5
RP: Evening of Festivities Handler: Sir William Cambridge Overview thoughts: English Batmans a pimp. Do they have Pimps in England? RP Breakdown Scene description: 5 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 4 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Critical Review: Right off the bat I wana say that it is best to sandwich your OFF/ ON scenes. It is well known by now that Seth doesnt care for the match shoot to be at the very end because it feels tacked and and in this piece it certainly does. I feel that your first scene would have been better off as ON camera because you made a few character jabs, all be it you wernt speaking as the cambridge character like you would in the following scene. Thats another thing. I get the sense you've boxed yourself into the character too much or are starting too. Its one thing to address last week ( which you did ok ) but Logans a big deal. Fighting Logan is a big deal, beating Logan is a big deal. This is a HUGE MATCH. You might as well fight Bobby Cairo because that how much good this match can be for your character. HOWEVER you pissed on it.
" I have never faced someone like you before Logan; you are a unique individual indeed; however I can guarantee you that you have never faced an individual like myself either. I’m sure there have been many wrestlers from Britain who have walked through the doors of the WCF and claimed to be the greatest wrestler to have ever existed, but what differentiates them from me, is the simple fact that when I say that I am the best of Britain, I mean it! I will prove this to you on Sunday Logan " Please understand where you went wrong. You started great in your previous paragraph. Then you went basic. To make it worse, there's no substance to it and it un-does what you just established before it. Then you continue with talking about how you lost and thats ok, they were lucky.. Am I suppose to believe that Logan won't be lucky? Am I to believe that if Logan were to show up and try that he would lose? Its clear you did some re search on Logan, fantastic. But you gotta come hard. Does English Batman knit sweaters for puppies in England? Or does he kick ass? ( Arse? ) Point is, you went soft. I applaud you setting up your character and giving me those traits and his cocky sophisticated attitude but you gotta pull that shoot. I almost feel like this is Seifer V Orbit al over again where I just wana yell because this is such a high profile match for your character and you just slapped logan with a limp wrist. Don't just be aroogent with out substence. Be agressive. Be very aggressive. You talk about showing English dominance. SHOW WCF ENGLISH DOMINANCE Suggestions: - Balance your off/ on scenes better - work on your shoot - be more aggressive - try not to pin yourself down with your character |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2014 22:24:14 GMT -5
Thanks Odin for taking time to critique my roleplay. I'll be sure to incorporate what you've said into my future work.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2014 22:31:51 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback dude, I'll make sure to work on those areas in my next RP.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kaz on Jun 18, 2014 10:47:55 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 18, 2014 21:28:48 GMT -5
RP: Pull Out The Arrows Handler: Colin Marshall Overview thoughts: Colin starts throwin hands in this big time shoot fest. RP Breakdown Scene description: 3 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 4 out of 5 Critical Review: This is some really good work. You have a lot of interesting things going on with this promo. You made great work of the interview scene and giving us a great look at Colin and how he feels about his run in WCF. Outlook, ambitions, learning experiences. Those are all really good things to see and you did them without detracting from everything else going on. It didnt seem weak or out of character. Finally somebody listen to me with the shoot stuff. You came in and killed it. You used natural anger from having a string of losses and turned it into a positive. This is how you turn around bad luck. This is how you get in the game. You stuffed Sequitus every chance you got and buried them deep. As the reader I want to see Colin go out and beat Sequitus because now he has me convinced that he can and will do it. Suggestions: - none. maybe expand on the scene description but even that was fine |
|
|
|
Post by Kaz on Jun 18, 2014 22:06:07 GMT -5
RP: Pull Out The Arrows Handler: Colin Marshall Overview thoughts: Colin starts throwin hands in this big time shoot fest. RP Breakdown Scene description: 3 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 4 out of 5 Critical Review: This is some really good work. You have a lot of interesting things going on with this promo. You made great work of the interview scene and giving us a great look at Colin and how he feels about his run in WCF. Outlook, ambitions, learning experiences. Those are all really good things to see and you did them without detracting from everything else going on. It didnt seem weak or out of character. Finally somebody listen to me with the shoot stuff. You came in and killed it. You used natural anger from having a string of losses and turned it into a positive. This is how you turn around bad luck. This is how you get in the game. You stuffed Sequitus every chance you got and buried them deep. As the reader I want to see Colin go out and beat Sequitus because now he has me convinced that he can and will do it. Suggestions: - none. maybe expand on the scene description but even that was fine Baaaaaaaby! Thanks again Odin! I'm going to expand a little bit more in part 2. |
|
|
|
Post by Alex Richards on Jun 19, 2014 12:20:40 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by Kaz on Jun 20, 2014 20:26:36 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 20, 2014 22:57:02 GMT -5
RP: Follow Me! You know.. off a bridge or.. something Handler: Alex Richards Overview thoughts: It takes a lot to write what Alex wrote for CD. I'm impressed by that RP Breakdown Scene description: 4 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 3 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 4 out of 5 Critical Review: As stated in overview thoughts, it took a lot of guts to give out Richards. A lot of times parents get REDRUM'D and that'll be that. This was psych truama thats out of the norm for characters and it was cool to see and very effective in flash back form. It was def. the best part of the piece. You have nice, small scene set up. It's not steller but it establishs what it needs to for the flash backs. We learned a lot about the character and it gives the audience that " AH HA" moment were they can connect the dots. Your dialogue with Richards and Zack are great, funny and you hit the nail on the head against Seifer. While this could have been better, you got avg. marks with your shoot for taking a creative approach at knocking him down. Suggestions: - You're doing a good job with the character. my advice would be to give more in depth shoot related content and beef up the scene description. |
|
|
|
Post by Alex Richards on Jun 20, 2014 23:08:48 GMT -5
thanks a lot for the advice. I'll definitely try to apply it in future roleplays
|
|
greatly appreciated as always 
