Post by Alex Richards on Jun 15, 2014 10:27:53 GMT -5
Our scene fades in to a small built, perhaps slightly taller than average blonde child. If you look closely at his face you can vaguely tell without the scars, and tattoos he sort of looks like a young Alex Richards. The kid walks down the street a smile on his face. A brand new canary yellow 1994 Mercedes-Benz S-Class pulls up beside the youngster. The window rolls down revealing a well dressed, supposed gentleman with salt and pepper hair.
Man: Why hello Alex.
Young Richards: Hi Mister Jackson.
Man: Please call me Stu.
Young Richards: My parents always told me to respect my elders.
Jackson: That's a good idea not to refuse your elders Alex. We do always know best. Hope in I'm here to pick you up.
Young Richards: I'm not supposed..
Jackson: Nonsense young man. I know your parents. In fact your father is cleaning my pool as we speak. They are busy people so they sent me to pick you up. You don't want them to get mad at you do you?
Young Richards: No sir.
Jackson: Then get in the back seat. Don't worry.. you'll enjoy the ride.
*flash forward *
The car slows down and the side door swings open a now crying young Alex is pushing from the car. You see the boy sobbing as Stewart Jackson leans his head out the window.
Jackson: You don't tell anyone boy. They won't believe white trash like you anyways over a man like me.
The car pulls away.
*flash forward *
We see Young Alex slowly walking home he walks into the driveway of a small, shabby looking paint peeling house. Two figures meet Alex in the driveway. A tall red headed man in his 30s, and a bit younger blonde lady. The two hug and seemingly console Alex however it is unnerving that while hugging Alex, the blonde lady, his mother, looks his Alex's shoulder and smiles at the red headed man who is already on the phone with someone.
*flash forward *
We see Alex's parents in an office. Alex is in the background listening, looking stunned, shocked, and horrified a far cry from the boy we saw earlier. Alex's father talks with the man on the other side of the desk Stewart Jackson who is wearing a suit and looking grim.
Redhead: We know what you did to our son. I always knew you were like that. I saw those magazines you looked at while I was working at your house. The way I see it is you have two options. Jail. Or a small donation to my family.
Jackson: Why Charles I never knew you had it in you. Fortunately for you I have plenty of money to go around. Now I'm not admitting I did anything wrong. But I am a charitable man. So I am more than willing to help you and Tabitha get on your feet.
Stewart goes into his desk and pulls out a gold monogrammed chequebook. He signs it and then slides the cheque over towards Alex's parents. Their eyes lit up.
Jackson: You fill in the amount.
*flash forward *
We are now in the reception area and Alex appears to be silently crying. His mother goes over and hugs him seemingly to comfort him. But really she is whispering into his ear.
Tabitha: Aww Alex, don't cry. It's all in your imagination. You have a wonderful imagination but that never happened.
Young Alex: But he touched me. And..
Tabitha: Shut up. If you insist on spreading lies mommy and daddy won't love you. You want us to love you don't you.
Young Alex: Yeah but..
Tabitha: Then shut up. It never happened. You will never speak of it again. Mommy knows best now doesn't she?
The parents walk out looking happy as Alex remains behind, stunned unable to cope.
*flash forward *
We apparently flash forward but it appears we are seeing a different boy. Alex now has his trademark shaved hair and looks like he has recently been in a fight due to a bruise on his right cheek. He appears to be in a garage. He looks over at a pile of free weights then whispers...
Young Richards: No one is ever going to hurt Alexander again..
He bends over and picks up some of the weights...
Shawn Zach shakes Alexander gently. He sits up quickly on the mattress in the back of his van. He looks around then sighs.
Zach: Are you alright? I was going to let you sleep in before doing your interview but I heard you crying.
Richards: Seifer was right. I am no sociopath.
Zach: What are you talking about?
Richards: Trust me Zach.. there are some things you don't want to know. Now join me in a drink.
Zach: It's 9 am.
Richards: What are you, the morality police? Let's fucking drink!
Narrator: I'm Shawn Zach and luckily for me Alex was pounding back his boots of Zim-Quila so quickly he barely noticed I only drank two. Alex on the other hand managed to drink himself stupid, well stupider than usual. Eventually I went away returning the next morning to see Alex waiting outside of his van.
Richards: It's a beautiful day isn't it?
Zach: You appear to be in a better mood. What happened yesterday.
Richards: You know I don't really remember. Dreams tend to fade don't they? It probably wasn't important.
Zach: Were you thinking about your match with Logan last week. I noticed you don't have your belt with you these days.
Richards: You're totally killing my mood Zach. I don't want to talk about that right now.
Zach: What do you want to talk about?
Richards: I Robot.
Zach: The movie?
Richards: No, the vacuum cleaner room bot. I think I want one for the van.
Zach: This is stupid. Don't you want to talk about anything importantly.
Richards: I can't care about world peace. Politics bore me. Money is an ugly colour. So who would want to own a lot of something with an off green tint to it anyways. I know! We can talk about how sweet it was when we got kicked out of Vegas!
Zach: We got kicked out of Branson, Missouri's community hall. And that was days ago now.
Richards: It feels like it was only minutes ago. Shall we watch the tape?
Zach: We can't. You threw the video camera at the roulette wheel.
Richards: Hey we won didn't we? It was good luck.
Zach: It wasn't a real casino! They were playing for monopoly money.
Richards: I know and it's so colourful I don't know why it's not more popular. So much more flashy looking then greenbacks.
Zach: You know you have a match this week right?
Richards: Oh yeah, thanks Zach. I tend to get sidetracked.
Zach: You didn't know you had a match?
Richards: Dude, I was just messing with you. Of course I do. I'm facing Doc Anus and Not Another Armstrong right?
Zach: More or less.
Richards: Maybe the doctor and I can team up on Armstrong.
Zach: Why would he want to do that?
Richards: I helped him out so much a few weeks ago. See, I'm a nice guy. I saw Dr. Rammus Anus out here and he wasn't connecting with the crowd at all. He talked and talked and the crowd just got madder and madder. I mean it looked like they were going to riot, charge the ring and destroy him any second. So I had to come out and save the day. I thrilled the fan base and saved Doc Anus from certain death. Wait a sec.. did you receive the thank you card Zach?
Zach: Umm.. right. I heard Dr. MiCayle was quite upset at the interruption.
Richards: Seriously? I totally saved his bacon. It's not my fault he's so boring the entire crowd would riot just to avoid listening to him! You know I bet he's jealous! I mean he thinks he's so incredibly smart but he doesn't connect with people like the Arch Duke of Mass Confusion!
Zach: New nickname?
Richards: Had to. But I don't wanna talk about it yet. The doctor don't do nothing but talk down to people. See, I can do that..
Alex goes into his always present black doctor's bag and pulls out a piece of paper with the title Smart Words written on top.
Richards: Remus, I'll level with you. I'm going to put you in my avant- garde and probably choke you out. That's going to be the caustic of your feet or your defeat. You're esoteric like a little girl and you have no chance against me! You can beg, plead, or even attempt to give me hedonistic but you're doomed regardless! You should have sent me that thank you card when you had the chance! Now I'm mad. See, I can talk smart too!
Zach: Yeah, you didn't properly use one of those words.
Richards: Well I was entertaining damnit! Which is more than I can say for the Doc! I'm larger, stronger, more angry, and more motivated to defeat him this week. It's my week bet on it!
Zach: With that monopoly money?
Richards: Good idea. Now you're thinking Zach. See I'm rubbing off on you.
Zach: Yikes.
Richards: Now I should talk about the other other other other other wrestling Armstrong. Seifer Black Armstrong. The man who thinks I'm not a sociopath. Well Seifer I'll have you know I'm a far bigger sociopath then Elizabeth Bathory, Adolph Hitler, Ted Bundy, and Jeff Dahmer.
Zach: Um dude! That's not cool! Why would you be proud of that?
Richards: Cause they are all dead. Of course I'm a bigger sociopath then them. But I'll bet Seifer is jealous he didn't think of that. He seems to be trying real hard to be a sociopath. I mean I saw him mocking me, torturing people, generally trying to scare people. Sorry Seifer, you don't scare me. I may not be a sociopath but you aren't either dipshit. Want to prove me wrong?
Zach: Uh oh.. this can't be good.
Richards: So you enjoy slicing people up with knives on national tv for the general public to lose their lunch over watching? You know they spent ten dollars on Mcdonalds. How are they going to get that money back? But you don't care. You're a sociopath right? You want to torture Steve Orbits ladies of the night? Dude, how else are they going to make their money if you maim them? Ever seen a washed up[ stripper? It's sad man. But you don't care you're a sociopath right? WRONG!!!!!!!!
Richards: From what I see, you slash unarmed people, and small woman with knives. How does that make you a dangerous person? If you gave them the knife and then proceeded to beat the living tar out of them unarmed I might be impressed. But from what you did, not impressed. AS far as I'm concerned you're just a coward and a bully who preys on the weak. I hate that in a person. It's engrained in me to want to destroy them. I don't know why but whenever I think of you I am simply filled with rage and blood lust. You think you're a sociopath I say bullshit. Sociopaths don't care about anyone or anything. So if you're truly a sociopath you take that knife and you turn it on your follower Sammy and then upon your wife Chelsea. Bet you can't do it can you? You're a fake sociopath Seifer. You're a fake doomsday prophet. And after this week everyone is going to know it.
Zach: What if he does?
Richards: Man, Ice is gonna be pissed. But he won't. So what kind of odds can you get betting on me this week?
Zach: Long ones. You're a heavy underdog.
Richards: I can't believe that. What are the odds makers thinking?
Shawn looks ready to point something out but instead Alex cuts him off.
Richards: I know exactly what it is! They have followers! They have people in their corner! Well I can do that too! C'mon Zach, we're off on an adventure.
Zach: Not again... what this time?
Richards: Seifer thinks he's a doomsday prophet... The doc thinks he can manipulate people into following his teachings... I can do it better than both!
Narrator: It took a day to set up but a small high school gym in Branson, Missouri was absolutely packed with people. I like to think it's because of the lack of activity in the retirement community. At least I hope so. Well let's get this over with... a backdrop picture of a camel floats down from the ceiling providing a background on the stage. A second banner falls from the ceiling proclaiming the end is now. The crowd buzzes confusedly. As Alex Richard walks out on the stage wearing what appears to be his best suit.
Richards: I'm the Arch Duke of Mass Confusion Alex Richards and I'm here on a mission from God! Ha! Always wanted to use that line. I'm no blue brother but I'm here to cry the ultimate blues here tonight. John Belushi is dead and soon you all will be too! Pray Pray before it's too late. Armageddon is here! It was been seen in the stars, or in the bible, or during a drug trip, or post concussion syndrome we don't know. But the world is about to end. Sure it didn't end when 5 thousand other prophets said it would! But it's going to now. Because I'm on a stage and you suspect I'm right! You want to know who the world is going to end right? Well I know!
Narrator: Alex pauses for suspense.. then pauses longer for some reason. Then continues to pause finally someone in the crowd yells out get on with it.
Richards: How rude man. I'm here telling you all I know and you dare interrupt me. I mean I should leave right now and not enlighten any of you. Hmm.. that phrases seems familiar. But I wouldn't disappoint my public. So I'm going to tell you how the world ends anyways. The world's water supply. It's doomed. In a mere 4 billion 17 Thousand Nano-decades a giant 500 foot space camel will drop from the sky. And it's going to be hungry! And it's going to need to fill it's hump. So it's gonna start drinking. And continue drinking. That space camel can drink forever. And it will unless there is no water left for anyone else. And it'll sit there watching us die while it enjoys the world's water in it's 5 million space humps. But I can stop it. I need help though. I need people to support me this week against the combined evil might of the duo of Dr. Anus and S-Sac. They are on the side of the camels. And their numbers are large! So who's with me?
Narrator: The crowd laughs and cheers. They are obviously enjoying Alex's performance even if they don't believe any of it. Finally a man of about 18 wearing outdated Fuba clothing walks onto the stage.,
Richards: Are you with me my brother?
Man: YEAH! That makes total sense! I love it!
Richards: What's your name my follower?
Man: Jax!
Richards: Why Jax?
Jax: I gamble a lot and my favourite hand is jacks.
Richards: I have the power and sense you aren't telling the truth.
Jax: I make money throwing jacks on the playground with high schoolers.
Richards: More believable but still not right.
Jax: My name is Jack and I got caught jacking off in the high school bathroom so they called me Jack Off. Then I got my name tattooed on my arm but they misspelt it so I call myself Jax. Wow, you really do have the power. How are you gonna stop the space camel.
Richards: Simply my friend, I'm going to fashion a giant needle and pop all those humps/
Jax: Dude, you're just too smart for me.
Narrator: Jax remains on stage, thankfully not doing what made him famous. As Alex calls for more people, two fat balding guy brawl their way on stage. Alex steps in between them then stooges them, poking one in the eyes with two fingers, then bopping the other on the head.
Richards: Hey that's this all about.
Fat Guy 1: I run the We Don't Sit On Babies Babysitting Service and this guy is stealing my work!
Fat Guy 2: I run Convict Care and it ain't my fault my slogan we put your kids in the pen is better than his.
Richards: Do either of you have any customers?
Fat Guy 1: No.
Fat Guy 2: I did once. But I shanked it.
Richards: you know I could use guys like you.. You're completely brainless, have no good ideas and would basically depend completely upon me. Man, I feel like Scott Savage.
Fat Guy 1: But what would you do for us?
Richards: I'd give you some bullshit line that makes you feel better about yourself but basically just sucks you in and makes me look good. Now I feel like MiCayle. Now people of Missouri we bid you farewell. You no longer have to fear the giant space camels.. YOLO ADRIAN WE GOT THAT! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Narrator: The scene cuts forward to Alex and myself getting ready to board a plane.
Zach: Where'd those guys go?
Richards: I'm not Doc Anus, I'm not Seifer. Sure, I can sucker people in to believing my bullshit like the doc can. And sure I can have an army of useless people backing me up like Seifer but the difference is I don't need to.
Zach: That actually sounded smart.
Richards: Plus I drank them under the table then gave them some bath salts.
Zach: Dude, not cool.
Richards: I bought them from walmart. Having a bath with bath salts is good for hangovers. Think I'm the favourite now?
Zach: I checked the odds. You're even further behind now.
Richards: We're going to make so much money this week Zach.
Man: Why hello Alex.
Young Richards: Hi Mister Jackson.
Man: Please call me Stu.
Young Richards: My parents always told me to respect my elders.
Jackson: That's a good idea not to refuse your elders Alex. We do always know best. Hope in I'm here to pick you up.
Young Richards: I'm not supposed..
Jackson: Nonsense young man. I know your parents. In fact your father is cleaning my pool as we speak. They are busy people so they sent me to pick you up. You don't want them to get mad at you do you?
Young Richards: No sir.
Jackson: Then get in the back seat. Don't worry.. you'll enjoy the ride.
*flash forward *
The car slows down and the side door swings open a now crying young Alex is pushing from the car. You see the boy sobbing as Stewart Jackson leans his head out the window.
Jackson: You don't tell anyone boy. They won't believe white trash like you anyways over a man like me.
The car pulls away.
*flash forward *
We see Young Alex slowly walking home he walks into the driveway of a small, shabby looking paint peeling house. Two figures meet Alex in the driveway. A tall red headed man in his 30s, and a bit younger blonde lady. The two hug and seemingly console Alex however it is unnerving that while hugging Alex, the blonde lady, his mother, looks his Alex's shoulder and smiles at the red headed man who is already on the phone with someone.
*flash forward *
We see Alex's parents in an office. Alex is in the background listening, looking stunned, shocked, and horrified a far cry from the boy we saw earlier. Alex's father talks with the man on the other side of the desk Stewart Jackson who is wearing a suit and looking grim.
Redhead: We know what you did to our son. I always knew you were like that. I saw those magazines you looked at while I was working at your house. The way I see it is you have two options. Jail. Or a small donation to my family.
Jackson: Why Charles I never knew you had it in you. Fortunately for you I have plenty of money to go around. Now I'm not admitting I did anything wrong. But I am a charitable man. So I am more than willing to help you and Tabitha get on your feet.
Stewart goes into his desk and pulls out a gold monogrammed chequebook. He signs it and then slides the cheque over towards Alex's parents. Their eyes lit up.
Jackson: You fill in the amount.
*flash forward *
We are now in the reception area and Alex appears to be silently crying. His mother goes over and hugs him seemingly to comfort him. But really she is whispering into his ear.
Tabitha: Aww Alex, don't cry. It's all in your imagination. You have a wonderful imagination but that never happened.
Young Alex: But he touched me. And..
Tabitha: Shut up. If you insist on spreading lies mommy and daddy won't love you. You want us to love you don't you.
Young Alex: Yeah but..
Tabitha: Then shut up. It never happened. You will never speak of it again. Mommy knows best now doesn't she?
The parents walk out looking happy as Alex remains behind, stunned unable to cope.
*flash forward *
We apparently flash forward but it appears we are seeing a different boy. Alex now has his trademark shaved hair and looks like he has recently been in a fight due to a bruise on his right cheek. He appears to be in a garage. He looks over at a pile of free weights then whispers...
Young Richards: No one is ever going to hurt Alexander again..
He bends over and picks up some of the weights...
Shawn Zach shakes Alexander gently. He sits up quickly on the mattress in the back of his van. He looks around then sighs.
Zach: Are you alright? I was going to let you sleep in before doing your interview but I heard you crying.
Richards: Seifer was right. I am no sociopath.
Zach: What are you talking about?
Richards: Trust me Zach.. there are some things you don't want to know. Now join me in a drink.
Zach: It's 9 am.
Richards: What are you, the morality police? Let's fucking drink!
Narrator: I'm Shawn Zach and luckily for me Alex was pounding back his boots of Zim-Quila so quickly he barely noticed I only drank two. Alex on the other hand managed to drink himself stupid, well stupider than usual. Eventually I went away returning the next morning to see Alex waiting outside of his van.
Richards: It's a beautiful day isn't it?
Zach: You appear to be in a better mood. What happened yesterday.
Richards: You know I don't really remember. Dreams tend to fade don't they? It probably wasn't important.
Zach: Were you thinking about your match with Logan last week. I noticed you don't have your belt with you these days.
Richards: You're totally killing my mood Zach. I don't want to talk about that right now.
Zach: What do you want to talk about?
Richards: I Robot.
Zach: The movie?
Richards: No, the vacuum cleaner room bot. I think I want one for the van.
Zach: This is stupid. Don't you want to talk about anything importantly.
Richards: I can't care about world peace. Politics bore me. Money is an ugly colour. So who would want to own a lot of something with an off green tint to it anyways. I know! We can talk about how sweet it was when we got kicked out of Vegas!
Zach: We got kicked out of Branson, Missouri's community hall. And that was days ago now.
Richards: It feels like it was only minutes ago. Shall we watch the tape?
Zach: We can't. You threw the video camera at the roulette wheel.
Richards: Hey we won didn't we? It was good luck.
Zach: It wasn't a real casino! They were playing for monopoly money.
Richards: I know and it's so colourful I don't know why it's not more popular. So much more flashy looking then greenbacks.
Zach: You know you have a match this week right?
Richards: Oh yeah, thanks Zach. I tend to get sidetracked.
Zach: You didn't know you had a match?
Richards: Dude, I was just messing with you. Of course I do. I'm facing Doc Anus and Not Another Armstrong right?
Zach: More or less.
Richards: Maybe the doctor and I can team up on Armstrong.
Zach: Why would he want to do that?
Richards: I helped him out so much a few weeks ago. See, I'm a nice guy. I saw Dr. Rammus Anus out here and he wasn't connecting with the crowd at all. He talked and talked and the crowd just got madder and madder. I mean it looked like they were going to riot, charge the ring and destroy him any second. So I had to come out and save the day. I thrilled the fan base and saved Doc Anus from certain death. Wait a sec.. did you receive the thank you card Zach?
Zach: Umm.. right. I heard Dr. MiCayle was quite upset at the interruption.
Richards: Seriously? I totally saved his bacon. It's not my fault he's so boring the entire crowd would riot just to avoid listening to him! You know I bet he's jealous! I mean he thinks he's so incredibly smart but he doesn't connect with people like the Arch Duke of Mass Confusion!
Zach: New nickname?
Richards: Had to. But I don't wanna talk about it yet. The doctor don't do nothing but talk down to people. See, I can do that..
Alex goes into his always present black doctor's bag and pulls out a piece of paper with the title Smart Words written on top.
Richards: Remus, I'll level with you. I'm going to put you in my avant- garde and probably choke you out. That's going to be the caustic of your feet or your defeat. You're esoteric like a little girl and you have no chance against me! You can beg, plead, or even attempt to give me hedonistic but you're doomed regardless! You should have sent me that thank you card when you had the chance! Now I'm mad. See, I can talk smart too!
Zach: Yeah, you didn't properly use one of those words.
Richards: Well I was entertaining damnit! Which is more than I can say for the Doc! I'm larger, stronger, more angry, and more motivated to defeat him this week. It's my week bet on it!
Zach: With that monopoly money?
Richards: Good idea. Now you're thinking Zach. See I'm rubbing off on you.
Zach: Yikes.
Richards: Now I should talk about the other other other other other wrestling Armstrong. Seifer Black Armstrong. The man who thinks I'm not a sociopath. Well Seifer I'll have you know I'm a far bigger sociopath then Elizabeth Bathory, Adolph Hitler, Ted Bundy, and Jeff Dahmer.
Zach: Um dude! That's not cool! Why would you be proud of that?
Richards: Cause they are all dead. Of course I'm a bigger sociopath then them. But I'll bet Seifer is jealous he didn't think of that. He seems to be trying real hard to be a sociopath. I mean I saw him mocking me, torturing people, generally trying to scare people. Sorry Seifer, you don't scare me. I may not be a sociopath but you aren't either dipshit. Want to prove me wrong?
Zach: Uh oh.. this can't be good.
Richards: So you enjoy slicing people up with knives on national tv for the general public to lose their lunch over watching? You know they spent ten dollars on Mcdonalds. How are they going to get that money back? But you don't care. You're a sociopath right? You want to torture Steve Orbits ladies of the night? Dude, how else are they going to make their money if you maim them? Ever seen a washed up[ stripper? It's sad man. But you don't care you're a sociopath right? WRONG!!!!!!!!
Richards: From what I see, you slash unarmed people, and small woman with knives. How does that make you a dangerous person? If you gave them the knife and then proceeded to beat the living tar out of them unarmed I might be impressed. But from what you did, not impressed. AS far as I'm concerned you're just a coward and a bully who preys on the weak. I hate that in a person. It's engrained in me to want to destroy them. I don't know why but whenever I think of you I am simply filled with rage and blood lust. You think you're a sociopath I say bullshit. Sociopaths don't care about anyone or anything. So if you're truly a sociopath you take that knife and you turn it on your follower Sammy and then upon your wife Chelsea. Bet you can't do it can you? You're a fake sociopath Seifer. You're a fake doomsday prophet. And after this week everyone is going to know it.
Zach: What if he does?
Richards: Man, Ice is gonna be pissed. But he won't. So what kind of odds can you get betting on me this week?
Zach: Long ones. You're a heavy underdog.
Richards: I can't believe that. What are the odds makers thinking?
Shawn looks ready to point something out but instead Alex cuts him off.
Richards: I know exactly what it is! They have followers! They have people in their corner! Well I can do that too! C'mon Zach, we're off on an adventure.
Zach: Not again... what this time?
Richards: Seifer thinks he's a doomsday prophet... The doc thinks he can manipulate people into following his teachings... I can do it better than both!
Narrator: It took a day to set up but a small high school gym in Branson, Missouri was absolutely packed with people. I like to think it's because of the lack of activity in the retirement community. At least I hope so. Well let's get this over with... a backdrop picture of a camel floats down from the ceiling providing a background on the stage. A second banner falls from the ceiling proclaiming the end is now. The crowd buzzes confusedly. As Alex Richard walks out on the stage wearing what appears to be his best suit.
Richards: I'm the Arch Duke of Mass Confusion Alex Richards and I'm here on a mission from God! Ha! Always wanted to use that line. I'm no blue brother but I'm here to cry the ultimate blues here tonight. John Belushi is dead and soon you all will be too! Pray Pray before it's too late. Armageddon is here! It was been seen in the stars, or in the bible, or during a drug trip, or post concussion syndrome we don't know. But the world is about to end. Sure it didn't end when 5 thousand other prophets said it would! But it's going to now. Because I'm on a stage and you suspect I'm right! You want to know who the world is going to end right? Well I know!
Narrator: Alex pauses for suspense.. then pauses longer for some reason. Then continues to pause finally someone in the crowd yells out get on with it.
Richards: How rude man. I'm here telling you all I know and you dare interrupt me. I mean I should leave right now and not enlighten any of you. Hmm.. that phrases seems familiar. But I wouldn't disappoint my public. So I'm going to tell you how the world ends anyways. The world's water supply. It's doomed. In a mere 4 billion 17 Thousand Nano-decades a giant 500 foot space camel will drop from the sky. And it's going to be hungry! And it's going to need to fill it's hump. So it's gonna start drinking. And continue drinking. That space camel can drink forever. And it will unless there is no water left for anyone else. And it'll sit there watching us die while it enjoys the world's water in it's 5 million space humps. But I can stop it. I need help though. I need people to support me this week against the combined evil might of the duo of Dr. Anus and S-Sac. They are on the side of the camels. And their numbers are large! So who's with me?
Narrator: The crowd laughs and cheers. They are obviously enjoying Alex's performance even if they don't believe any of it. Finally a man of about 18 wearing outdated Fuba clothing walks onto the stage.,
Richards: Are you with me my brother?
Man: YEAH! That makes total sense! I love it!
Richards: What's your name my follower?
Man: Jax!
Richards: Why Jax?
Jax: I gamble a lot and my favourite hand is jacks.
Richards: I have the power and sense you aren't telling the truth.
Jax: I make money throwing jacks on the playground with high schoolers.
Richards: More believable but still not right.
Jax: My name is Jack and I got caught jacking off in the high school bathroom so they called me Jack Off. Then I got my name tattooed on my arm but they misspelt it so I call myself Jax. Wow, you really do have the power. How are you gonna stop the space camel.
Richards: Simply my friend, I'm going to fashion a giant needle and pop all those humps/
Jax: Dude, you're just too smart for me.
Narrator: Jax remains on stage, thankfully not doing what made him famous. As Alex calls for more people, two fat balding guy brawl their way on stage. Alex steps in between them then stooges them, poking one in the eyes with two fingers, then bopping the other on the head.
Richards: Hey that's this all about.
Fat Guy 1: I run the We Don't Sit On Babies Babysitting Service and this guy is stealing my work!
Fat Guy 2: I run Convict Care and it ain't my fault my slogan we put your kids in the pen is better than his.
Richards: Do either of you have any customers?
Fat Guy 1: No.
Fat Guy 2: I did once. But I shanked it.
Richards: you know I could use guys like you.. You're completely brainless, have no good ideas and would basically depend completely upon me. Man, I feel like Scott Savage.
Fat Guy 1: But what would you do for us?
Richards: I'd give you some bullshit line that makes you feel better about yourself but basically just sucks you in and makes me look good. Now I feel like MiCayle. Now people of Missouri we bid you farewell. You no longer have to fear the giant space camels.. YOLO ADRIAN WE GOT THAT! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Narrator: The scene cuts forward to Alex and myself getting ready to board a plane.
Zach: Where'd those guys go?
Richards: I'm not Doc Anus, I'm not Seifer. Sure, I can sucker people in to believing my bullshit like the doc can. And sure I can have an army of useless people backing me up like Seifer but the difference is I don't need to.
Zach: That actually sounded smart.
Richards: Plus I drank them under the table then gave them some bath salts.
Zach: Dude, not cool.
Richards: I bought them from walmart. Having a bath with bath salts is good for hangovers. Think I'm the favourite now?
Zach: I checked the odds. You're even further behind now.
Richards: We're going to make so much money this week Zach.
