Request Thread for Odin Balfore feedback

[Odin Balfore]

RP: The Masks We All Wear


Handler: Alexander Richards




Overview thoughts:  This promo made me want to keep reading and see how Richards gets his van back




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 5

Character Development: 4

Shoot: 5

Flow: 5


Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5




Critical Review:

This is a very funny and interesting promo, made all the more richer by the narrator who kicks starts the promo and sends us into flash back footage.  The promo kept me engaged and laughing. More importantly, kept me reading. I scored this promo very high and there is many ways to score high on this scale. It's about blends and molding the promo into one piece, which Richards has done very well.

Scene Description - I gave you a 5 because your narration described the scene, the mood and touched fourth wall boundaries that involves the reader and I'm not just reading basic stuff.

Character Development - I wanted to give you a 5 then I wanted to give you a 3 so I settled on 4. There wasnt a lot of development in this promo but Richards wanting the van is the development along with his back story with the van. It may sound dumb but it's not. you made short work of the van development but its what kept me reading. There was a lot of underlying development that makes me as the reader want to know more.


Shoot - 5. solid 5. The entire promo was match talk. the entire promo was Richards tryin to get this van back and bring it all together in one piece. Not just this tacked on paragraph at the end. Richards is a man on a mission and hes going to fuck up APOC.

Flow - another 5.  You alternated from the plot of the story to the match. you were funny and it read quick. It's a comedy RP that was very effective at achieving it's goal.




Suggestions:

None.  this promo is spot on. keep up the good work

[Doc Henry]

Ok Odin, I tried to remember what you said on the last one with this, but it just flowed once I got my idea nugget... So I'd love to hear your thoughts on Pissen auf den Führer(Pissing on the Führer)

[Odin Balfore]

RP: Zombie Huntin'


Handler:  Nero Blake




Overview thoughts:  A confusing bit of narration that went from one scene to the other with out introduction or reason




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 3

Character Development: 4

Shoot: 2

Flow: 2


Overall Rating: 3 out of 5




Critical Review:

I wanted to like this but find it hard to like this. It's even harder to judge personal choices that were made but all those choices do is hurt the piece.

Scene Description - The Narration was good and the scene description that you had was just the same but it wasnt throughout. There was nothing to tell me really where you were or what was up. While you sectioned off different scenes which is fine and there are no problems with, there was nothing more to indicate what was really going on.

Character Development - Your character development was by far the strongest part of your piece, showing glimpses between your father, your suster and the childhood friend sarah.  Even when you talked to ZMAC and how he re wrote your backstory. It amplifies what you were bringing to the table.

Shoot - You didnt have it. It wasnt there and it didnt click. Your shoot was bitching to ZMAC about re writing your back story then trying to support the fact that you love and care for your daughter. Thats not shoot, thats more character development.

Flow - This scored low because everything felt so separated. Nothing came together to work towards one unified promo and that took me out of the promo. 





Suggestions:

 At the end of the week. Nero is a wrestler. Tortured soul aside. hes bringing home money to wrestle on camera. Focus on that. You gotta focus on that at some point in the piece. You gave yourself a good base to launch from but you didnt follow through with it.  Thats something that you're going to need to do.

The second suggestion is the flow. your scenes feel as if they all exist desperately and not bringing us to another location or point in time to further the story. They all feel like separate stories that all need their own promo to work.  Try and link your scenes together. They are strong effective scenes but they dont come across like that in regards to the piece as a whole.

[Chelsea Armstrong]

Mind taking a look at mine hun?

A Puppet or The Master?...
wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/20612/puppet-master

[Alex Richards]

Thanks a lot for the kind words Odin. Glad to hear I'm on the right track.

[Odin Balfore]

RP:  Pissing On the Fuhrer


Handler:  Doc Henry




Overview thoughts: Docs still in Germany, what can go wrong?



RP Breakdown

Scene description: 3

Character Development: 3

Shoot: 4

Flow: 5


Overall Rating: 4 out of 5




Critical Review:

Doc Henry, drinkin and fightin round the world. I just miss his old friend Tugg'a. Poor Tugg'a. He was a good bloke. Anyway, Doc Henry minus Tugga, drinking and fightin' round the world. This time in the Holocaust. Just not during the Holocaust. Thats a missed opportunity. Anyway, all fun side, Doc delievers with a cassoc Doc Herny promo. Short, fat, and finishes prematurely.

Scene Description - Just enough to keep it going and give me a good sense of things. Nothing overly critical. Just a good amount of scene and action description.

Character Development -  Again. scored a three. its average. it's there. Doc Drinkin. fightin, interacting with fans. beatin up cancer. good ol' Doc Henry.

Shoot - You got in there and you put chase on the line. Heres what your going to do. Heres whats going to happen. Classic shoot. Always works. always.

Flow - I was engaged, exceited. having a good time through out. RP read beautifully.



Suggestions:

Not a one. You're good to go

[Odin Balfore]

RP:  A Puppet Or The Master?


Handler: Chelsea Black




Overview thoughts:  Chelsea comes to terms or at least faces her problems with being orderd around.




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 3

Character Development: 5

Shoot: 0

Flow: 4


Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5




Critical Review:

This is a good character development piece but I swear, I didn't read anything about BTJ in this promo.  I shouldnt review this because there was no shoot but I will anyway.

Scene Description - The scene description was there and it was all narration from Chelseas Point of View.


Character Development -  This scored high as the entire promo was character development between chelsea and gable and how chelsea has always been the one to take orders. It's good to the see the start of her standing up for herself.

Shoot -  none that I could see.

Flow - Nothing to say about it it read very well





Suggestions:

None available as this was a character development piece

[Chelsea Armstrong]

There was alil bit about the match but it was minimal as id forgotten, I knew it was going to be close on whether or not it would count for u but thank you for reviewing for me anyway, first and last time it'll be like that.

[Deleted]

Would you be so kind as to review The Leveling please. I would really appreciate your point of view. Please and thank you.

[Chase Michaels]

Wondering what you thought of my "The South Will Fall!" Rp

"The South Will Fall!" Rp

Thanks

[Seifer Black]

Could you have a look at my first rp for the world title match, The first gospels of the doomsday prophet.

wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/20654/first-gospels-doomsday-prophet

[Kaz]

I know there's a lot of requests, but if you have a moment to look at my latest RP, I would definitely appreciate any feedback you'd be willing to give me

Pardon Me, But You Shouldn't Be So Proud

Thanks in advance!

[Odin Balfore]

RP: The Leveling

Handler: John Gable




Overview thoughts: John Gable goes slightly mad but it is a very very, mad world. Great character development



RP Breakdown

Scene description: 5

Character Development: 4

Shoot: 2

Flow: 5


Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5




Critical Review:

It unfortunately isnt a promo where the average helps you. It hurts in this case. The shoot in this promo wasnt really there and it sunk the promo like stone. It took a fantastic inner-reflective piece and just tarnished it. It's a shame really.  You have great scene description mixed with narrative and it really brought out your character. That Scene description with narrative gave you great marks on your flow but I'll tell you why the other two didnt score well.

Character Development - While this scored well and was a great and important part of your piece, I found myself asking for more. Not that I wanted to know more instantly ( which I do.) but just in what was presented, I was hoping that you'd have given the audience some more. I got a few basic things out the younger gable as far as back story. Unfortunate those basic things are the same basic things that most of WCF uses.

 "You used to be feared. you used to be a monster. you used to have no emotions. "

Have many times has that been character motivation? And how many times is that going on right now? Now this is your choice and it's not why I didn't score it perfect.  I gave a 4 because you stopped short of greater explination that would have been amazing to read if you presented it.

Shoot -  Your shoot boils down to:

" (1)I will devastate and destroy those who think they are God or in this case Goddesses among man.(2) I will tear down Olympus to show that no one will ever live above those on the ground.(3) I am the leveling, I am King fucking Leukemia and I will never forget and I will never forgive.( 4) As sure as my hand bleeds I will make you remember that no one makes it out alive. (5)Nothing makes you special, nothing makes you better, you are still human and you are still capable of being broken.(6) You Marina and Stacy as well as Chase Michaels, Mr. Beckman, and all of Pantheon will fall prey to the cancer that speaks and on your death bed, you will know forever until you close your eyes, the name John Gable, Cinema Champion, King of All Media. "

 Thats pretty much, this:

" I'm going to go A,B,C to you. Because I'm X and I will make you understand J. I will foreshadow Q because I am ( insert name here.) "

So you have a medium size promo with 6 lines of match effective dialogue that is just hanging at the end of your great character development.  It's similar to your character motivations but the effectiveness of young gable overcame your personal choice to use common character motivations ( at least common in WCF )  While I'm not hindering you for common things for CD, your shoot is a different story.

Example:

" I'm going to be in that ring, Gable. I'm going to be in that ring and there ain't no where for you to go except head on with The All Father. I'm not going to devastate or destroy, no. No, that would be too easy. I'm going to let you get cocky Gable. I'm going to allow you to think for a moment that you're the one in control.  In reality, I'm the one callin the shots and this matches ends when I say its ends, how I say it ends. I'm going to make you understand that this isnt just another day on the set, trolling stage hands for danish. Sunday night, you'll wish you could just call cut and return back to your trailer because you're in for the worst night of your life- when you meet Ragnarok and thats not something you can prepare for. So I have Spoken. So it shall come to pass. "

See, it's the same format.


Suggestions:

You gotta explore that shoot content. Whats 6 lines of generic shoot? It's just that. Try to approach it the same way you do your character development and you'll do much better. Your promos will be devastating and you'll be showin everyone why John Gable is King Leukemia

[Deleted]

I'm going to really branch out of my comfort zone and put down my last RP "No Fear, No Negativity" down for this.

[Odin Balfore]

RP: The South Will Fall

Handler:  Chase Michaels




Overview thoughts: A decent promo. Not Chase's best work but average for what he can do.


RP Breakdown

Scene description: 5

Character Development: 3

Shoot: 3

Flow: 5


Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5




Critical Review:

I read this and I know your having an off week. Maybe you're runnin dry but I know this isnt Chase Michaels best work.  I always say theres more than one way to get a rating in WCF and this compared to Gables Promo, you can see diffrences. I'm not going to compare them because Gable had a great RP but its apples to oranges. Your Scene Description was great. Something I've come to expect from reading your promos but your development and your shoot is where you fell off a bit


Character Development - you had slight development in that Chase is a cocky show off when he wants to be. Ok, cool. Your choice. Average marks. I cant bring anyone down for what they choose to put in the promo but it could have been more in depth. You had the part about Chase losing and ppl talkin down to them which breaks a few walls that Chase seems like he's whinning about it. 

Shoot - You have good shoot normally. What happend? You followed the generic format and didnt dive to anywhere. Maybe you went up against Doc too many times and The Cock was too much for ya'. Then again you should have more to say other than " You'll see why ect ect."  It;s just lacking all the way around.


Suggestions:


- don't have a bad week.

- use prior experiences to your advantage, even if you were on the losing end.

- if you give CD, give a well rounded view of it. Hints are great but substance is better.

- As far as shoot. You're the lone wolf. Wolves are apex predators. Get aggressive with that shit.

[Chase Michaels]

Thanks for the feedback dude, was having a pretty off week last week in terms of my rp

[Odin Balfore]

RP: First Gospels of The Doomsday Prophet

Handler: Seifer




Overview thoughts:  Had high hopes for this promo, perhaps too high. I get the feeling Seifer takes himself as a joke and not a serious character



RP Breakdown

Scene description: 4

Character Development: 3

Shoot: 4

Flow: 3


Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5




Critical Review:

VERY CRITICAL REVIEW AHEAD



This is a world title match at a PPV. I'm going to be very critical about this. What you wrote wasnt bad but the underlying context of it all was bad. You wana show up to an Aztec temple, have a blast. Show up in a semi-serious with face paint and a T-shirt?  My mood went down hill. You wana talk about doomsday, end of the world? Have a blast. Do it while smoking a cig while ontop said aztec temple to make your character seem brooding and " edgy" to just flick it down the steps of an ancient structure.. I'm gonna roll my eyes.  You wana talk about being a monster? rekindling with that monster? Have a blast. To do it in the same manner as half the roster would, I want to smash my face into the wall.  You want to commit a hate crime in the form of Steve Orbit effigy? Have a blast. 

 DON'T GO SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS IN THE NEXT SCENE!

Sure, you didnt do it but your character made plans too. Then you tried to cover it up with an edgy " American History X" refrence to try and get back on topic that Seifer is heartless or something because anytime anyone mentions that movie, they get strange looks. ( personal tastes aside.)  I don't want to dig into your personal choices for what you write but I gotta. This is a world title match that you earned from a tournament.

You took what could have been good, interesting stuff and you just killed it. You killed it in Steve Orbit effigy style. You tied your promo to a stone slab and cut its heart out and replaced it with dolphin safe tuna. I don't wana come down on you about it but you really gotta see where this  WORLD TITLE PROMO flopped. 

It;s even worse because I get the sense that you did it and didnt even realize you did it.

1.) If your going the fantasy route, stick to the fantasy route.

2.) If you're in a world title match, show why you're in the match.

3.) If you're going into a world title match, don't give the champion such easy material

Not only do I get to review this promo but I feel compelled to tell you how to structure it for future events.

One thing you could have done that would have made this promo more believable would be to put the off camera scene with chelsea at the start of the promo. It feels like Seifers acting this way because the plot calls for it. Then he goes out and hangs with chelsea.  Like I believe Orbit and Fly and Black and Natty ICE. Like I believe those are the real people, not just the on camera people.  You just willfully showed us that everything you tried to established in scene one was complete BS and a waste of time.  If you did it the other way around, you could save face because " chelsea isnt there to keep him grounded." 

Scene one: lazy day with chelsea

we get a warrm little cool down scene between seifer and chelsea before the match. Seifer looks normal. acts normal, talks normal. everyone is pissdin rainbows.

Scene two: Seifer kills a man

Holy fuck!? Is this the same guy we just saw cuddling with his wife and booking dolphin days?  What the fuck happened?

I'll tell you what happend: A man alone in his thoughts happened. 

And you cant go american psycho on this where he comes home and he's normal.  You cant because you just spent a good amount of time trying to establish that seifer is a bad motha fucka. small little glaring issues aside, I was starting to believe it too. You had some good shoot that was aggressive, a little too preachy when you were warning Orbit, but hey, can't be perfect.

Sure, the lazy day scene was OFF camera. I still read it though. You wrote the whole scene which means Orbit read it too. He may not be able to come right out and use it IN CHARACTER but he read it and he ca poke fun at it.  You could have fixed scene two and kept your lazy day and just alluded to Chelsea what you did at the temple.  You could have alluded to the dolphin thing. Hell, if you wrote it good you could have even booked it if you played up the mentality of Seifer but you didnt.

Seifer went from " doomsday prophet" to  pussy whipped kitchen bitch.

And we all saw it plain as day.

Oblivion could pull that off though. NvL could pull that off. ZMAC could pull that off. They could because they're psychological. It just feels like Seifer is a monster due to plot convenience. As if I as the reader wouldnt be able to comprehend how Seifer could beat Orbit with out it. 

Funny thing is: You did.  You got this far. Sure I havent read your other RPs prior but did you do this? This looks like it stems from your segment on slam? It feels forced, it feels rushed.  this does not feel natural for Seifer. Even if it is, I don't get that impression that Seifer is anymore dangerous that anyone else.

Orbit went one on one Verse Fly and won. Orbit has fought Odin Balfore numerous times in WCF. Probably more than anyone. Think about the wars Orbit has fought and Seifer comes and says " nah son, nah. you don't know pain."  OK fine. Back that up. But you didnt.

Again, I'm sorry if you feel I'm laying into you but you gotta see where this went wrong. 

You as character deserve this title shot. YOU as a writer, earned it.

But it crumbled and I'm sorry that it did


Suggestions:


- When you use warning and foreboding in your shoot, connect with it.  I just saw smoke and a puffy chest, so to speak in your promo. Why should Orbit, the champion fear you?   You were very aggressive but not much more than a dog barking behind a fence.

- Watch your scenes. You spent far too much time developing something with potential, only to throw it away with a rather pointless CD scene.

- If theres a next time go hard and bring it. Win or lose this match. You can use it to your advantage.

- Explore your character. Is there more to Seifer than rekindling with an old monster? I hope so? Bring that up. Convince your audience.

[Odin Balfore]

RP: Pardon Me, But You Shouldnt Be So Proud.

Handler: Colin Marshall




Overview thoughts:  Colin delievers some good lines as to why he should be The Peoples Champion.


RP Breakdown

Scene description: 5

Character Development: 5

Shoot: 4

Flow: 5


Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5




Critical Review:


This a killer promo. It's a simple promo and when you keep it simple, you can't muck it up with over developing CD. But you kind of did with three CD scenes in a row with a tacked on Match related scene. You're using ON/OFF camera so I know that you know what that means. So why do three in a row?  Why not blend it?  We have all this side talk which is good and even your shoot is good but it falls short. You started building strong but didnt follow through. I find thats a big issue for a lot of people.

Whats different. Since your promo has such high marks I'm not going to really critique it.  Its just small things that if you did a bit more of, you would have nailed it.





Suggestions:

- Balance ON/ OFF camera. You'll make people want to skip to the match related stuff. Not everyone cares about a gym work out or eatin pizza or ect stuff. Not everything a person writes is important, even if they feel it is, you know?

- you held good ground for match content but I always used to say that " You gotta pull the trigger. Always ask yourself WHY? why, why why.  Ask yourself externally. Why would Colin say X,Y,Z?  or how is he such?  Whats the end game. It's not winning its Colinn goin in that ring and diggin deep, hittin his finish and leavin the nay sayers to cower off in a corner in shame!

[Kaz]

Thanks for the feedback Mr. Balfore! I found myself struggling for a way to wrap up my shoot. Definitely something I will think about moving forward.

Maybe Colin should have a catchphrase or something...

[Odin Balfore]

RP: No Fear, No Negitivity

Handler: Marina Valdiva




Overview thoughts: It's a great montra. Marina brings us a strong interpersonal journey.



RP Breakdown

Scene description: 4

Character Development: 4

Shoot: 4

Flow: 4


Overall Rating: 4 out of 5




Critical Review:


We have a really good promo here. Marina shows some personal fears and triumphs. Shes afraid, she doesnt enjoy the  feeling of the undergod. It came off repetitive, even as the theme of the promo, the underdog, " so sad." theme got a bit tiresome. I was waiting for the redemption. I was hoping for the redemption.  After being told time after time to focus on a championship match, her friends having to stress the point to her- Marina still didnt seem to get it.

Shoot - The shoot worked very well but I still diddnt get the sense that Marina could win or was going to win. You may have broke your opponoents down but you didnt bring yourself up too much.  Your shoot can be summed up with the line:


" You think that disgracing that championship you hold and calling it the "Cinema title" makes you somebody. Time to set the record straight motherfucker, it doesn't make you anybody. "

Spolier: it still makes the TV champion. It still makes him the holder of the belt you want. It still makes him the guy to beat.

It's like calling ZMAC a shitty champion with a shitty belt, but you want it anyway.  Really?

Then yo go onto say hes not this or that person. True. He's John Gable, the current champion and the guy you gotta beat.

" No fear, no negitiveity." Fantasict! But what about it? How does a stadium full of people prove to the reader you can beat him?

I would score Gable in a Win over you between this promo and the one I just read by Gable. Gables 6 lines of shoot where better than your  mountains of thought provoking shoot. Reason being is because it only made me think but didnt get me to say " Yah, Marinas gonna win. "

Flow: Your promo was very heavy. You have paragraph breaks to split up one giant paragraph. Same with the character development ( which you did well on and i dont feel it needs commenting. )   It was heavy on the eyes and heavy to read


Suggestions:

- the way you talk, makes Marina feel like the underdog and that she accepts that she is. you're trying to convince the champion. why? Don't give him doubt. 

- The no negativity vibe isnt going to go very far if you lose.  It only works if you win. Now what? I don't get the sense Marina has a back up plan.