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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 25, 2014 17:56:38 GMT -5
RP: G'day Down Unda Handler: Doc Overview thoughts: A decent little promo but doesnt offer much for CD or match shoot RP Breakdown Scene description: 3 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 3 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Critical Review: Theres not a whole lot here. Doc walks into a bar, has a drink talks to Mary and well... acts like a sheep. The meat of your shoot is " I don't want to lose but eh so be it." Docs a WCF staple. He should be killin every piece of of new blood who walks in. This piece gives a very weak impression of Doc. I don't know what it is. Some times you're on and sometimes your not. Even if you're face, you dont have to talk like this. And if you're a heel doesnt mean you have to constantly talk like an asshole. You can really use the vet gimmick and let that boost you up. It feels like Doc looses himself some weeks and has to start all over. This week seems like one of those weeks. Suggestions: - Use your characters history to your advantage of any given situation. Doc IS hard fighting and hard drinking. Get in there with that and use it. - Shoot is convincing the audience that there is no doubt that your character can lose. You have to bury your opponent and make them look weak. Just saying " I'm going to win." isnt going to net you a win. |
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Post by Doc Henry on Jun 26, 2014 12:57:51 GMT -5
Yeah, it was an off week for me, no matter what I did, my brain meats just couldn't flesh out the RP... Thanks again for the suggestions!
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Post by Jeff Purse on Jun 26, 2014 13:17:21 GMT -5
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2014 20:18:05 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 28, 2014 0:10:03 GMT -5
I'd love Odin's take on my RP for this week. RP: Story Time With Jayson Price Handler: Jay Price Overview thoughts:Only Jay Price would write 400 pages of parody to summerize it in a brief ten pages RP Breakdown Scene description: 3 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 2 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 3 out of 5 Critical Review: It's a comedy promo against BioWalker. Aint much more to say. was it amusing? very. Was it effective within my system? No. And didnt you already do Ooze and The Bitch? Wasnt that already a promo? Either way, it was funny because it has the feeling that Jay is just very passive about the whole thing. Something so odd and he just does it with out a passing though. Suggestions: Do the Ooze king... lion king. mak Ooze both a day meercat and warthog... |
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Post by Jayson Price on Jun 28, 2014 0:21:47 GMT -5
...I actually meant the most recent one I did for the Tag Titles match. My bad.
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 28, 2014 0:37:03 GMT -5
damn, hope you're feeling better soon. That's some shitty luck right there. RP: The Sense(less) of Belonging Handler: Alex Richards Overview thoughts: Another flash back/ dream promo. mixed feelings RP Breakdown Scene description: 3 Character Development: 2 Shoot: 3 Flow: 3 Overall Rating: 3 out of 5 Critical Review: This is a promo where you shoot yourself in the foot. The entire promo is a dream sequence is really means none of what you said just happend and it counts more for CD. Problem with that is that none of it really advanced Richards like the other promo about the abuse. Granted I show judge by the fact that I can read it and that the audience now knows it but still, your character didnt say any of it in reality. Its just a dream. While the back and forth between Richards and Zach were very entertaining and Richards skewed view on reality, it doesnt transfer over from a dream; you just continue it. As much as this was a funny read and you did decent on the shoot- I'm still left with something that didnt happen. I know that Seths still going to judge it and it's cool but from a literary standpoint.. it never happened. Technicality aside, I want to commend you on an outgoing and comedic style that does deliver with every RP. You have a great character and it's safe to say that he's become a staple of the Hardcore scene. You do it with out having to be " hardcore" about it. Its refreshing to see someone not taking their character so serious and we can enjoy your RP due to your banter and misadventures. Definitely keep up the good work with what you're doing. It IS good entertaining work. Suggestions: None |
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 28, 2014 0:38:57 GMT -5
...I actually meant the most recent one I did for the Tag Titles match. My bad. It's my mistake. I scrolled passed it clearly. I'll take care of it |
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Post by Kaz on Jun 28, 2014 0:47:03 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 28, 2014 1:02:46 GMT -5
RP: Return of A Familiar Face
Handler: Jay Price
Overview thoughts: Shannon Lerch, suckin dick. Classic stu.. er.. Price.
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 5
Character Development: 5
Shoot: 5
Flow: 5
Overall Rating: 5 out of 5
Critical Review:
I wana start off with the character of Stu. Both Stu and Price just feel so natural together. You use them so much in tandem that its like they are extensions of yourself. The entire promo felt organic and flowed very nicely. Prices small ribs to irk Stu and Stu's reaction were comical, they kept the piece going and they added to the character of Jay Price. The return of Shannon Lerch was great. I'm sure everyone whose knows the detailed history really liked it too. You even went and gave a good history lesson about it that didnt feel like a history lesson. You had great shoot aginst past opponents, current opponents and future oppoents that really sunk it and came across that Jay wasnt just talking BS. Its didnt feel like " ok, heres the shoot- go." The conversation just kept going so fluidly. This is one of the best promos I've read in a while because it didnt feel like a promo. It felt like a real conversation between three people.
Suggestions
None
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 28, 2014 1:08:45 GMT -5
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Post by Jayson Price on Jun 28, 2014 1:34:02 GMT -5
I fucking love Odin Balfore. Usually I'd have to give someone $50 and receive an awkward stare the entire time they made me feel as good as Odin just did for free.
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 28, 2014 1:56:34 GMT -5
I fucking love Odin Balfore. Usually I'd have to give someone $50 and receive an awkward stare the entire time they made me feel as good as Odin just did for free. * YOU'RE WELCOME |
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 28, 2014 3:06:07 GMT -5
RP: Future of Hardcore Handler: Jeff Purse Overview thoughts: Jeff Purse, the future at being the past? RP Breakdown Scene description: 3 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 3 Flow: 3 Overall Rating: 3 out of 5 Critical Review:
WARNING: VERY CRITICAL REVIEW AHEAD~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm going to ignore the first two scores in description and CD. They are what they are and they lead into Jeff just watching TV then raving mad at his tv about a round table discussion. I've noticed this in your promos. You're character studies. You just bricked it together and spaced it out. I felt like I was reading a grocery list. As old school as this approach is, it lacks creativity ( which is your choice.) but theres nothing there. Its the equivalent to a dark room promo. Jeff has A LOT of room to talk and throw his weigh around but you don't do that. take a look at your very last chunk of dialogue. " Logan, Oblivion. That match we had was epic. Get ready for a repeat. Siefer, I am going to hurt you. I am going to try my damndest to end your career. Alex, you are not a member of Pantheon. Guys, this is my match, this is my event, this is MY Future. And I am going to prove it. I am going to show you people out there why I will beat everyone of these men on Sunday. Just you wait an see...until then... Welcome to the Future...of Hardcore. " I don't particularly like to come down on guys but you are a former world champion. You won WAR. and you summerize that brick of shoot content with: - the sucking of logan/obi's cock -wanting to " hurt seifer " - telling off Alex - having to prove SOMETHING All of that drives me nuts. Why doesnt that drive you nuts? I'm sorry but thats such rookie motivations. Your character has such a decorated career, why arnt you just throwing it around? You actually put yourself behind the pack in this. It's generic, uninspired and hurtful to the character. If you think I'm harping on you for this, look what I did to Seifer. I don't do it to wreck your day and your hard work but considering what Purse has done in WCF, how can you even type this? The word prove should NOT be in your characters vocab. Purse is established, he shouldn't have to prove anything. especially since he already won the belt and beat OBI.. which by the way..
" And do you know who beats one of the best Hardcore champions of all time? Jeff. Fucking. Purse" ^ that only puts over Oblivion as the best hardcore champion and makes you seem like your trying to justify your chances. Why do you feel as if you have to justify that? You bounce back with " I'm going to win. I'm the greatest. " then you undo everything you just said with this very bland talk. Saying things like: " I'm going to hurt you. I'm going to win. I'm not going to lose/ intend to lose. I'm going to prove X. " Is not effective match shoot to convey to the reader that your character should win a match. it's so Vanilla and boring that it makes vanilla and boring look extreme by contrast. It's almost like you pulled a promo on how not to write strong shoot. Its sad too. You should be killin' people. Not that this RP matters because unlimited RP's but it certainly doesn't help. So since Jeff Purse is the FUTURE.. avoid such bland and basic trash talking in that future. I now feel like Jeff Purse HAS to prove he should even be in this match, let alone have a chance at winning it. Take the gloves off and start knockin kid's out. Talk like a champion. You have the credentials. You don't need to prove it. But you do need to sell it. Suggestions: Its all in the above |
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Post by Alex Richards on Jun 28, 2014 7:03:53 GMT -5
thanks for the feedback Odin.
I actually intended on having Alex be awake for the rest of the promo. Thank you for pointing out I need to be more careful to make sure I portray what I intend it in my rps.
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Post by Alex Richards on Jun 28, 2014 7:04:35 GMT -5
thanks for the feedback Odin. I actually intended on having Alex be awake for the rest of the promo after the opening two dreams. Thank you for pointing out I need to be more careful to make sure I portray what I intend it in my rps. |
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Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 28, 2014 11:42:21 GMT -5
Might as well just put this here. If you want feedback from me specifically, post the link to the RP here and I'll get to it as time allows and in the order in which request are given. Below is my grading template for those who are not familiar with it. The system is based "out of 5." Mainly due to the fact that a 10 scale would be difficult to keep accurate. I do not judge off of personal tastes. I take an objective approach from a readers stand point. Things like style and coding arnt taken into consideration unless they really hinder the flow and feel of the piece.
REMINDER: SETH IS THE ONLY JUDGE IN WCF.NOTE: DUE TO THE NATURE OF THEIR CONTENTS, I WILL NO LONGER REVIEW CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT PROMOS.NOTE: THE SCALE IS MEANT TO BUILD STRENGTHS AND IMPROVE ABILITY. NOT TO BRING ANYONE DOWN
**a attempt to satisfy a perfect score in this template may not guarantee a victory in your respective match**__________________________________________ RP: Handler: Overview thoughts: RP Breakdown Scene description: Character Development: Shoot: Flow: Overall Rating: out of 5 Critical Review: Suggestions: Just to repost this since this thread has made it to 12 pages and theres an influx of new people. also, 12 pages? at 20 posts a page? Damn son. I must be doin somethin' right. Carry on. - All Father |
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Post by Jay Omega on Jun 28, 2014 13:24:09 GMT -5
I honestly wish some of the past feds I've been in had someone like you, Odin. It's like having a professional father figure to ask for advice.
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Post by Doc Henry on Jun 28, 2014 15:13:06 GMT -5
I honestly wish some of the past feds I've been in had someone like you, Odin. It's like having a professional allfather figure to ask for advice. Fixed |
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Post by Alex Richards on Jun 28, 2014 15:36:10 GMT -5
seriously thanks a lot Odin.. this is incredibly helpful.
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