Post by DVS on Jan 22, 2015 4:03:12 GMT -5
|The Songs of Jest [Pt. 2] | Payback Roleplay No. 2 | Continued from The Songs of Jest Series [Pt. 1] |
From the Office of Dr. Perciful Lee
4223 Benjamin Harrison Parkway
Lincoln, NE 68542
ATTACHMENT
| File #0640 | The Interactive Inventory of “The Deviant” Dan Van Slade | A Catalog of Artillery |
From the Office of Dr. Perciful Lee
4223 Benjamin Harrison Parkway
Lincoln, NE 68542
ATTACHMENT
| File #0640 | The Interactive Inventory of “The Deviant” Dan Van Slade | A Catalog of Artillery |
Editor's Note: This catalog was arranged prior to the debut of Dan's most recent creation – The Super Deviant. Had Dan assembled this catalog as a super hero then we're bound to have entries such as: an impermeable and impenetrable epidermis, controllable heat ray vision, Godly strength, or the ability to fly. This is the real Dan Van Slade. The athlete. This is the man you'll see at Payback. The master in the ring. The strategy machine. Another card up his sleeve. The smooth operator. The list goes on. This is Dan at his very best, and that's regardless of his demeanor and personality issues.
Most of what you'll read is directly copied and shared from Dan Van Slade's interactive catalog. I've eliminated a lot of the technical mumbo-jumbo and crap to substitute it with a few key moments during our sessions. If there's anything one could learn from this it's that the brain works in a mysterious way, a nervous mess of perception, it works different in everybody and it is a phenomenal weapon. Dan has presented a different variation for every facet of the brain during every session; if not once, but twice and often a multitude of times. It's preferably easier to let the man define it without directly explaining the meaning; therefore the action provides the definition.
One last reminder. The source of the catalog must be considered. Although there is no author listed – this interactive dossier was designed and developed through the command of Dan Van Slade. I've not asked, nor felt it necessary to dwell upon, whether Dan is the author of these articles or if he made his agent David assemble the task. It's irrelevant. The fact that this exists is reason alone to believe Dan Van Slade is slowly building a PR campaign to become the next greatest superstar the WCF has ever seen. His potential continues to erupt. Once again – this is Dan at his very best.
P.L.
January 17, 2015
Weapon No. 1: The Brain
“The final weapon is the brain; all else is supplemental.” - John Steinbeck
“The human brain has 100 billion neurons, each neuron connected to 10 thousand other neurons. Sitting on your shoulders is the most complicated object in the known universe.” - Michio Kaku
“Oftentimes, those special brains, the ones that are capable of focusing more intently than others, do so at the expense of emotional maturity” - The Inferno, by Dan Brown
“In each of us there is another we do not know,” - C.G. Jung
“There's someone in my head, but it's not me,” - Brain Damage by Pink Floyd
The brain. What's there left to say that the quotes above haven't already accomplished? Let's look at Steinbeck's, which opened the litany of knowledge with a quote that seems more for closure. The final weapon, yes, but it's the greatest weapon in man's arsenal. The Deviant understands this, and the Deviant wastes no time acknowledging the concept of using his brain as the ultimate weapon. The brain is where deviance is born – where experience is projected and obtained. The brain is a big deal. The ultimate weapon. I'll eventually list inanimate objects, but those pale in comparison to the brain. Kendo sticks wrapped in barbed wire and designed to maim and maul an opponent? It's merely a concept projected by the brain where it was developed. The brain is a bad ass.
The Deviant brain is made up of the same gray and white matter, lobes and cortex's, as any functioning human being. The difference isn't in the makeup or design of the object – it's the production of the object. That's what separates Dan Van Slade from the bunch; and any great man for that matter. Production, and the ability to focus primarily on functionality and pragmatics, is a dangerous weapon. The rest, although supplemental indeed, become strategically placed platoons and brigades designed to be hell bent on accomplishing a task designed from the billions of neurons decoding life's little matrix.
The only, substantially minor, issue with The Deviant brain are the damaged neurotransmitters and receptors commonly at-risk due to an intense addiction to cocaine and a history of drug abuse. Well, there are other issues within every facet of the organ. That will be discussed momentarily.
Let's begin with information processing.
Transcript Excerpt:
The Super Deviant: “I've been busting my ass for over three months. Three months, Percy, and not once have I been able to lift the Mack high into the air and devour him with a gorilla press slam that creates a schism within the Universe. Three months, and I've learned that I can handle three losses, end a few careers, and find myself strapped and ready to unleash fury come February 1st. I've learned that there's not a single person backstage capable of ending my righteous path to success. Not Seth Lerch, or ICE Beckman; there's not a Vapor King or Poon warrior strong enough to derail this galactic train. To Hell with'em. Three months and barely anything to show for it except for harassing my intelligence and bruising my reputation by booking me against fucks and morons with rare instances of talent.
Want to know what I'm willing to bet, Percy? I'm willing to bet that Steve Orbit tucks his tail between his legs to warm his prune-like ball-sack and hides in the shadows near some corner of downtown plight to watch his reign as hardcore champion disappear. He's been frightened. Scared. But, knowing that he's one of the smartest men in the business makes me realize that he's purposefully doing this. It's a strategy. There's nothing he can say or do that will make me feel challenged going into this match. I'm one great big fuckin' callous, disgustingly hard and thick like my dick, and hardcore like the title I'll define. I understand if you're scared, Steve. Sometimes, but only sometimes, I frighten myself. Mostly because it scares me to know just how fuckin' awesome I truly am.
Steve, Maelstrom, bring the fuckin' pain. Bring dump trucks filled with broken glass. Bring every aisle of the local Home Depot. Fill a pool with used hypodermic needles. BRING THE FUCKIN' PAIN. Listen, bitches, I've gone through enough getting to this point and I'm not going to let two used tampons pulled from the spotting vagina of the wrestling industry ruin my great expedition. I'm gonna win – no matter what. Ya'done. Fin. See'ya. Gone-ZO. PEACE. Wrap that title around my waist and watch me bring some integrity back to the championship you've made mediocre. Now process THAT you stupid mother fuckers.”
Perception.
Transcript Excerpt:
The Super Deviant: “I'm the greatest fucking wrestler this company has ever seen. Fuck those who disagree.”
Motor Control
Transcript Excerpt:
The Super Deviant: “I had a match against this Russian guy from Michigan, named Alex Zobiev, when I was wrestling with the Golden Gophers of Minnesota. I remember my coaches dogging me all week and saying that I couldn't condition myself in time to face him. He was big, and cut; chiseled off the cover of a Men's Health magazine cover. He had this flat face, with a bent-curved nose, and a skull that plateaued in a strange way. He was like a Russian Frankenstein. He was undefeated, and his opponents never stood a chance. He was a beast, but I was going to let the hammer and sickle bury my pride. My coaches had no faith. My wrestling team – those assholes gave up on me the moment the match was scheduled. What a shitty combination of disloyalty and disappointment. Fuck'em, that's what I said. I knew what everyone knew – I was faster, my strength wasn't far from his, and I was mentally more prepared than Zobiev. I planned to fuck him UP.
And, well, I did.
The match ended in less than a minute. Alex wasn't prepared for a quick mat game as I spider-crawled the fuck out of him for a few seconds before finally delivering a vicious elbow to the back of his head. His face smashed into the mat. Somehow my elbow triggered a violent reaction in his spine and shut down his premotor cortex. He was crippled for a few minutes, but by that time the match was over. He would eventually move again, but I fucked him up pretty good and I'm still quite proud of it. I have no issue ending a persons career. Does anybody remember Frank Harmon? No? Me neither.
I am too fast, too strong, too smart, and just THAT...DAMN...GOOD. The cookie cutter image of the ideal professional wrestler. My agility is unmatched. My charisma can't be out-dueled. I have the stamina of a billion armies – and I don't expect to give up any time soon. Maelstrom wouldn't be able to begin processing a neuron before I've already kneed him in the gut, choked him out, smashed his skull into the canvas with a fuckin' beastly DDT, put him in the Super Intergalactic Death Lock, powerbomb him about twenty seven times and then send his ass back to Japan using the ole' Interstellar Super Deviant Driver; and preferably onto a burned up box-spring mattress covered in rusty nails, broken glass, pitchforks, and of course – used hypodermic needles. Done. Done before that slow-as-molasses bitch-ass mother fucker could even put the proverbial pen to paper. Done.”
Arousal
Transcript Excerpt:
The Super Deviant: “When I'm asleep – I'm winning. When I'm awake – I win.”
Homeostasis and Motivation
Transcript Excerpt:
The Super Deviant: “This is nothing but a test of survival. Fight or flight. In the grand scheme of things – the WCF sees more flight than fight – because we're the greatest fuckin' professionals this industry has to offer. There's nowhere else to go once you've decoded this matrix; nowhere but UP. This is the great mountain overseeing the vast landscapes of wastelands once called wrestling promotions. You can either hang with these tough sons'a'bitches – or you can toss a rope over a branch and hang yourself. Survival of the fittest – and, well, we all know that there's only one Galactic Bad Ass fitter than a God damned fiddle. That's me. I fight – I fight and I fuckin' win.
Seth Lerch – thank you for this opportunity. I commend you on believing in me. You've earned solid reputation points on my behalf. Making Maelstrom and myself co-contenders to the WCF Hardcore Championship is one of the best, if not most ridiculous, thing you've done in a very long time. I've also disregarded everything else you've done because I could give two shits and a fat-fuck about you and your past. This is the future – the year of the Deviant – and you're going to help me survive. Even if you're not trying. Fuck you.
Payback is gonna' be such a bitch – so much so that the consequences of my victory will continue to shriek in the sub-conscious of Steve Orbit and Maelstrom like a trampling herd of whining women who can't get their way. Such a bitch. Hmph! I don't need to worry about survival when I step into the ring with those two fucks on February 1st. I just need to watch these two Carlton's dance it out like amateurs in the ring while they strategically attempt to survive against THE SUPER DEVIANT. Your new hardcore champion has arrived.”
Learning and Memory
Transcript Excerpt:
The Super Deviant: “Plain and simple – on February 1st I'm redefining the role of hardcore. I'm ending Steve Orbit, and I'm putting Maelstrom in his place. Steve – you fell into debt three months ago when you stepped foot in the ring at Wednesday Night. That's what happens when THE PAST naively faces THE FUTURE without any plan of action. You hide. You run scared. Well, what happens when the past puts the future behind it? The same thing that happens to anybody when they ignore the issue. It comes back to haunt them. You're not running, Steve, no – not at Payback. You're going to step into the ring and watch the future blossom before your shit-brown eyes. No, not Maelstrom – because he may never make it to the ring. We're talkin' about the Super Deviant – the Universal Usurper, and the proud representative of Planet Hipton of the Hardcorous Constellation. We're talkin' about the greatest fuckin' being to ever grace the planet. We're talkin' about two nobodies somehow getting a free ticket to even be within five feet of my presence without dissolving into a state of vegetation after realizing they could NEVER be as good as me. Fuck'em – time to beat some more ass.
The instrumental and poignant fact is this – at Payback: I win. It's that simple. Using my intense workout regiment, and constant attraction to killing my nervous system, I've dedicated my energy to strategically building a model of the future with the defeat of the Mack and the Human Hellstorm. Maelstrom envies me. He models his behavior after me. He WANTS to be ME. But, he's too human. He's too normal, and that's nothing for anybody to aspire. He can't hang. You have to have a giant cock to hang with the Adonis' like myself, and there's a rare few. I'd say Steve Orbit can't hang – but I may get thrown on the cover of Pro Wrestling Illustrated and labeled racist. Hell, there's even a possibility New Jack will shoot on me. Fuck'em, don't care. I'll say what I do, and do what I say.
And – at Payback – remember who ended Steve Orbit and Maelstrom. VIVA LA SUPER DEVIANT! Seth Lerch – you'll learn that there's no stopping me. Hiring me was the worst thing you've EVER done. Now, get ready to button that belt around my waist...BITCH.”
Postscript
The Deviant brain is where the chaos begins. There's no stopping a man from using his brain to best his enemies, and the Deviant wastes no time in proving that. It does not matter the gimmick of the event – what matters is how man spends his time functioning and properly using his brain to prepare himself for what's to come. Small bites. Big bites. Enough to complete the puzzle. It's not rocket science. The Deviant understands the laws of nature, and the rules of engagement. The Deviant's brain will begin identifying the necessities that will maintain survival.
In the vast cornucopia of a career ending arsenal – the Deviant's brain is the first, and last weapon, he'll use. If you want to be capable of defeating the Deviant, well, you treat the motherfucker like the walking dead and aim for the brain. That's how you defeat the human existence; cut'em off from thought, make'em mindless and purposeless. Take away the brain and you've got a walkin' skin-sack sloth that creates these cute little ignorant grunts.
Transcript Excerpt:
The Super Deviant: “Sounds a lot like Maelstrom.”
[To Be Continued in The Songs of Jest Part Three]