|
Post by Noble Savage on Aug 14, 2018 12:37:19 GMT -5
Hi, everyone. I'm relatively new here, still. And as I said before on another OOC thread, Odin Balfore is one of may favorite roleplays to read... so you better believe when I say I have followed a lot of his pinned advice! And now in my 3rd match, I am actually facing Odin Balfore himself! It is absolutely NERVE RACKING. Anyhow. I've been developing Noble Savage's character, and I felt like in my last roleplay I found her, but I really want to know if you guys agree or not. For instance, is it clear that Noble & Savage are one person who talks to herself? Because when she speaks as Noble she's more tame, but when she speaks as Savage she's more... uh... savage. It is difficult to pull off the whole "split personality" thing but I feel like I can do it. Please let me know every single little detail that is wrong with my last week's RP so I can continue to improve as I try to survive against Odin next week lol. Thanks very much in advance! Here's a link to it: A Savage Darkly
|
|
|
Post by Dominic Royce on Aug 15, 2018 4:35:51 GMT -5
Alright, so I'll give my thoughts on this piece:
I really liked how you made it feel like I was reading a movie script and imagining it being some sort of indie horror flick. Definitely get that sort of vibe from the character. I also liked how you manage to execute the dual personality gimmick. It's one that has been done before, but you have a way of actually making it feel fresh instead of just having it there and not really exploring that personality. There's an actual purpose behind her having that characterisation split. Overall, a very solid piece that develops and cultivates the character; leaving me to want more.
|
|
|
Post by Alex Richards on Aug 15, 2018 9:02:18 GMT -5
First off... Odin is a great choice if you're looking for advice from someone. He's a great writer who can write almost any style.. plus he gives great critique.
Secondly.. I really enjoyed your roleplay. You're a talented writer and you're gonna be able to hold your own with anyone.
|
|
|
Post by Alex Richards on Aug 15, 2018 9:02:43 GMT -5
and your roleplay is definitely not boring.
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Aug 15, 2018 15:00:48 GMT -5
How about i give u feedback after our match lol
|
|
|
Post by Noble Savage on Aug 15, 2018 16:57:57 GMT -5
How about i give u feedback after our match lol That would actually be greatly appreciated
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Aug 15, 2018 17:09:38 GMT -5
How about i give u feedback after our match lol That would actually be greatly appreciated If i give you feedback now, you'll beat me then you'll win war and I'll be out of a job LOL
|
|
|
Post by Noble Savage on Aug 15, 2018 17:11:40 GMT -5
That would actually be greatly appreciated If i give you feedback now, you'll beat me then you'll win war and I'll be out of a job LOL 😂 I highly doubt it. But I rather you give me feedback after anyway because I don't want to get overwhelmed lol I'm IRL nervous to have to RP against you
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Aug 15, 2018 18:22:52 GMT -5
If i give you feedback now, you'll beat me then you'll win war and I'll be out of a job LOL 😂 I highly doubt it. But I rather you give me feedback after anyway because I don't want to get overwhelmed lol I'm IRL nervous to have to RP against you Its not that bad. I'm not that good. but thanks. It'll be ok
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Aug 19, 2018 15:13:17 GMT -5
Hi, everyone. I'm relatively new here, still. And as I said before on another OOC thread, Odin Balfore is one of may favorite roleplays to read... so you better believe when I say I have followed a lot of his pinned advice! And now in my 3rd match, I am actually facing Odin Balfore himself! It is absolutely NERVE RACKING. Anyhow. I've been developing Noble Savage's character, and I felt like in my last roleplay I found her, but I really want to know if you guys agree or not. For instance, is it clear that Noble & Savage are one person who talks to herself? Because when she speaks as Noble she's more tame, but when she speaks as Savage she's more... uh... savage. It is difficult to pull off the whole "split personality" thing but I feel like I can do it. Please let me know every single little detail that is wrong with my last week's RP so I can continue to improve as I try to survive against Odin next week lol. Thanks very much in advance! Here's a link to it: A Savage DarklyRoleplay: A Savage Darkly Hander: Noble Savage Overall thoughts: A well built promo but it doesnt accomplish much Rating Overview Scene Description: 4 Character Development: 2 Shoot: 1 Flow: 4 RATING: 2.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW So overall there are good elements but it falls apart in the finer details. We have a promo where Noble is trying to find herself, her purpose and unravel Lady. Its all well and good but the promo doesnt accomplish much in the way of pay off. Now, not to say we need all answers right now, we don’t but we got very little and then more questions. Theres enough to where those that follow will want to read more and a new reader might continue but if there are sequences of promos where little happens and then we have to tune in next week, after a few short weeks, everyones tuned out. I’m not coming down too hard on this cuz you just got started and you’re trying to hook people but you might run the risk of turning a few people off if you go another week or two with little happening. Taking away a puzzle piece isnt development. Yes, you introduced the Adviser but that went right where i thought it would with: "I'm only laying here in my death bed because Lady Abernathy won't pull the plug." OK. Then you say that hes the demon of life and that explains the business of the abandoned building. I expected a bigger exposition dump from the old man but didnt get it. So we have more questions than answers and thus, not much for character development. Like I read the piece and at the end asked myself: ‘ so what happened?’ and for me, that's where things hit the skids Theres mention of your loss and mention of your match but its all very shallow and feels tacked on to a story already in progress, which makes it feel like the shoot doesnt belong. Scene Description: so this is your strong point. Bar-none. This should be a 5 but i felt you went too in depth like when you over characterized the taxi driver when you didnt need too. I like to say that I don’t need three paragraphs about the trees in the forest, I just need some details about the forest. Its all fantastic but in sum spots it felt too heavy and caused me to skip. Character Development: You have story development and plot development but that doesnt equal Nobles development. In fact, aside from Noble talking to Savage about the loss her had, there wasnt much to look at. We’re just as lost as Noble. However, your RP against me fixes some of that. As of this piece, the development is poor. Shoot: Little mention of Night Rider. Little mention of the match. Little regard to the match. Basic shoot is basic. Flow: The piece was fine but because of the excessive scene description I found skipping lines. Aside from that everything was solid. I like the story and the characters but this promo was a cold stop. I felt like nothing happened, so maybe tune in next week. You have the fantastical elements but not the ground elements. At the end of the day Nobles still a pro wrestler. So her development should be around wrestling and the story - not just the story. Like i said, dont give it all away up front and I know that's not what your going for but you gave the readers very little in this promo, I feel like I could skip it entirely and not be lost come the next installment in your story. Also note: Your promo against me this week LIVING PAST was a lot better than a Savage Darkly _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Expand on nobles thoughts and feelings rather than just her asking whats going on and being just as confused as the audience is. But remember that exposition dumps are a double edge sword. Shoot. Eat people alive. You have Savage to perfectly do that. Dig into people. Roast people. Give no fucks with Savage. Be creative. “Im going to beat you with the god caller” is not shoot. “I’m going to hit ragnarok and pin you 1 2 3 “ Is not shoot. I know im guilty of that too but try to expand on match relevant content.
|
|
|
Post by Noble Savage on Aug 20, 2018 10:24:57 GMT -5
HELL. YES.
This is exactly the type of feed back we all need and love. I will absolutely follow your advice on the pros and cons. I appreciate how you acknowledge and encourage my strengths, but you don't sugar coat the weaknesses. I hope in the coming weeks I can make you proud lol
THANK YOU!!
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Aug 20, 2018 12:14:34 GMT -5
Please note, in a few weeks or months, youll kill us all.
|
|
|
Post by Noble Savage on Aug 20, 2018 13:21:05 GMT -5
Please note, in a few weeks or months, youll kill us all. 😲 Wow thanks. I hope I can live up to expectations
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Oct 4, 2018 18:56:48 GMT -5
That would actually be greatly appreciated If i give you feedback now, you'll beat me then you'll win war and I'll be out of a job LOL And look who won war. Ill just go pack my desk now...
|
|
|
Post by 'Jazzy' John McCarty on Oct 10, 2018 1:32:25 GMT -5
Odin BalforeYou should tell me where I could improve my RPs in general. T'would be appreciated. Doesn't have to be right away.
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Oct 10, 2018 11:07:14 GMT -5
Odin BalforeYou should tell me where I could improve my RPs in general. T'would be appreciated. Doesn't have to be right away. Noble already took my desk man, dont take my company parking spot lol
|
|