Feedback on I'm doing you a favor.

[Earth-616 Holmes]

Just like last time guys, be as critical as possible.


I'll be doing you a favor.

[Odin Balfore]

Oh don't you worry. This will be brutality in its purest form.

[Odin Balfore]

Dec 13, 2015 16:39:41 GMT -5 Earth-616 Holmes said:

Just like last time guys, be as critical as possible.


I'll be doing you a favor.

RP: I’ll Be Doing You a Favor


Handler: Andre “ Big John” Holmes




Overview thoughts: well-balanced yet flat.




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 3

Character Development: 5

Shoot: 2

Flow: 4


Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5




Critical Review:


Nothing in this promo was bad. Its just that nothing had any power or substance behind it. I wish there was, then this would have a been great. Rather than great, its just OK. Who wants that? So it was a nice promo but its not something I would write home about. I can’t sit here and praise mediocrity. The promo did what it had to do, what its purpose was but it didn’t go beyond that to clinch a win. And you might win but if you do its because your opponents promo was subpar rather than yours just kicking ass.


Scene Description: Its average, fine description. Nothing of note to comment on.


Character Development: You had good development, some of it was not needed. The whole “ Hey Arnold thing,” detracted. The car ride scene gave good insight to the character but it also chopped the pace of the promo and I felt the flow suffer because the character motivation slowed the pace the first scene set with the locker room interview.


Shoot: Face shoot is tough. The shoot was bland. You commented on the match but you didn’t shoot on the match. You don’t have to dog in heel style but the character didn’t say or do anything for me to cheer for him and want him to win. You did not convince me as reader that you deserve to win or that you had this in the bag. It was just there all respectful like. Making yourself vulnerable is fine but there has to be redemption in it. Where’s the spirit?


Flow: That middle scene grind you down a little bit. It was just the pacing of it that hurt. Anytime I find myself re-reading or skipping, its going to hurt the piece.


Where was the fire that the RP started with? It started out strong. I liked it then you switched gears twice and it suffered. If the promo continued with the same pacing, structure and feel as the first scene, you’d be doing great.



Suggestions:

- watch for content that really shifts the RP

- watch for structuring issues that may make the reader skip

- as the face, make me want to see you win. Its not about you as the FACE to trash talk the opponent but you also cant just lay it on the table with respect and call it FACE shoot. You can still shoot and have a strong voice that makes you a contender to win the match rather than:

“ I have an obstacle to overcome and I will overcome it” or “ We’re both real good and I respect you, so its just up to who wants it more.. and I do.”

- Weak shoot is weak. Its not as bad for FACE’s but you have to find ways to give the reader a desire to see your character win.

[Earth-616 Holmes]

Dec 13, 2015 19:30:11 GMT -5 Odin Balfore said:

Dec 13, 2015 16:39:41 GMT -5 Earth-616 Holmes said:

Just like last time guys, be as critical as possible.


I'll be doing you a favor.

RP: I’ll Be Doing You a Favor


Handler: Andre “ Big John” Holmes




Overview thoughts: well-balanced yet flat.




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 3

Character Development: 5

Shoot: 2

Flow: 4


Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5




Critical Review:


Nothing in this promo was bad. Its just that nothing had any power or substance behind it. I wish there was, then this would have a been great. Rather than great, its just OK. Who wants that? So it was a nice promo but its not something I would write home about. I can’t sit here and praise mediocrity. The promo did what it had to do, what its purpose was but it didn’t go beyond that to clinch a win. And you might win but if you do its because your opponents promo was subpar rather than yours just kicking ass.


Scene Description: Its average, fine description. Nothing of note to comment on.


Character Development: You had good development, some of it was not needed. The whole “ Hey Arnold thing,” detracted. The car ride scene gave good insight to the character but it also chopped the pace of the promo and I felt the flow suffer because the character motivation slowed the pace the first scene set with the locker room interview.


Shoot: Face shoot is tough. The shoot was bland. You commented on the match but you didn’t shoot on the match. You don’t have to dog in heel style but the character didn’t say or do anything for me to cheer for him and want him to win. You did not convince me as reader that you deserve to win or that you had this in the bag. It was just there all respectful like. Making yourself vulnerable is fine but there has to be redemption in it. Where’s the spirit?


Flow: That middle scene grind you down a little bit. It was just the pacing of it that hurt. Anytime I find myself re-reading or skipping, its going to hurt the piece.


Where was the fire that the RP started with? It started out strong. I liked it then you switched gears twice and it suffered. If the promo continued with the same pacing, structure and feel as the first scene, you’d be doing great.



Suggestions:

- watch for content that really shifts the RP

- watch for structuring issues that may make the reader skip

- as the face, make me want to see you win. Its not about you as the FACE to trash talk the opponent but you also cant just lay it on the table with respect and call it FACE shoot. You can still shoot and have a strong voice that makes you a contender to win the match rather than:

“ I have an obstacle to overcome and I will overcome it” or “ We’re both real good and I respect you, so its just up to who wants it more.. and I do.”

- Weak shoot is weak. Its not as bad for FACE’s but you have to find ways to give the reader a desire to see your character win.

Thanks, this helped a lot. Also, Andre "Big John" Holmes? (I see the reference) other than that, much appreciated.

[Gemini Battle]

I'm going to piggyback on Odin's thoughts on face shoot

It's incredibly hard.

Read teo del sol for a pure face shoot (before the past few weeks where he has added a bit of anger towards kemp dues to his actions IC). No one shoots as a face without any heel tendencies better than him.

For a cocky face go to spencer. He's got that down

For intense face read me or Vic venable

The latter has heel tendencies with an undertone of face and respect where as the cocky has an undertone of heel but is mostly face. He hits hard without going over the line.

You character strikes me more like Vic and myself who are very cerebral in our shoots. I would have said just Vic and not added myself but Vic has been on hiatus and you will have to go way back to find his stuff


I have a hard time writing as a face so I kind of cheated by having a character with multiple personalities. Gemini is that intense face with strong heel undertones. Livewire is the cocky face. Grayson is the pure face. I want to go pure face but have been heel/tweener (hate that term). For so long that it's not easy to just transition into it.

Keep it up. Odin is not easy to please but he knows what he's talking about.