WCF Adventures #1: Attack Of The Zombies!

[FPV]

Everything was ready to go. All the supplies were taken out the house and thrown into the back of the car, and the iron spikes were in the finishing stages of being adorned onto the hood of FPV's Gran Torino. Terry Roberts sat in the passengers seat, clutching an old hunting rifle FPV had found for him. FPV got up from applying the spikes and was ready to get in. He dove into the open door and buckled up. An ice cold Monster sat there in the console. He was gonna' need the energy.

FPV: You ready, bro?

Terry Roberts: Hell yeah, man!

FPV started the ignition, as the engine came to life. They backed out the garage and sped straight on down the street, stopping only for the nearest gas station. They had filled up the gas tank to the brim before hand, but how long it would last was a mystery.

[Zombie DankMorris]

Zombie's doesn't get invloved in the worlds affairs. The Juice took his million dollar lottery ticket, fuck the world. Fuck the world and he's got a sammich. The world can wait till hes finished.

The sounds of moaning and groaning are heard as Zombie pokes his head out of his dumpster and looks around. Mobs of people are roaming the streets with out any coarse of action. Its not Mardi Gras so...


Zombie: Mother of god! Zombie Apocalypse! My people! ZMACs time has come!


Zombie leaps out of the dumpster, holding his hands up high, sammich still clutched tighter then a virgins lips around John Holms.

Zombie: My people, MY PEOPLE! I have waited for this day for soo long, WE have waited for this day for soo long. Today is the beginning of a new era.. the Zombie era! Literally! Time time, your time.. As your leader I say we strike hard and fast at our eneimies.


Zombie notices everyone is barely walking a snails pace.

Zombie: ok.. So we'll strike hard. It might take us a while to get to them but when we do.. - -- So what do you say my people?!

~ groan... groan.. ~


Zombie: YES! The groans have it! I Zombie McMorris am now your leader!

[Deleted]

Captain Punishment and El Taco De Genial are still sitting on the floor of the shed trying to figure out their next move.

CP: "All right, so far we know that there's zombies to the east and to the north of us. So really, that leaves the west and south as the ways to go."

At that moment Cahir bursts through the door, parts of mask torn from his face. There's drops of blood dripping to the floor from claw marks on his exposed flesh. He slams the door back shut and then pulls a nearby bookshelf to the floor and pushes it against the door.

CP: "Hey look! Cher is back!"

With a warrior like growl, Cahir lunges at Punishment and tackles him to the ground..

Cahir: "MY NAME IS CAHIR YOU STUPID TWIT! CAHIR! CAHIR!"

CP: "Okay...okay...Cahir. I got it."

Cahir pushes himself up off of Punishment and walks over to the sink where he begins to wash the dirt out of the cuts on his face, neck and arms.

CP: "How bad is it out there?"

Cahir: "Bad enough that I turned around and came back here to you two idiots."

CP: "Hey! Call us idiots all you want, at least we were smart enough to not go back out there."

Cahir: "Yeah well look around smart guy, there's no food in here. I was holed up in this crap shack since the news of this outbreak broke. For some reason the zombies were already up this way on day 1 and I had no chance to stock up on any supplies. So either we die or starvation in here or we die of a zombie attack out there."

El Taco De Genial finally loses and begins sobbing hot sauce tears.

CP: "See what you did, you big brute?

Cahir: "Oh get over it. This isn't a nice world Taco-Man, you gotta learn to be tougher."

El Taco De Genial pushes itself up to it's feet and runs into the small bathroom. It pushes the door shut and continues to sob.

Cahir: "All right look, I don't think between the pair of you there's enough to make a full brain, but you're obviously the more stable one. I say you and I grab whatever we can to fend off the zombies long enough to make it to the nearest town. It's only a few miles over that hill to the south."

CP: "You want to leave him here?"

Cahir: "You saw him, he's already gone. We take him with us and he'll end up breaking down and crying along the way. And then we'll end up getting killed trying to save his ass."

Punishment looks toward the bathroom door where El Taco De Genial is still crying, ponders the situation for a moment and then nods his head in agreement.

Cahir: "Good, now let's find something we can use."

The pair begin to rummage around the shed. Cahir stumbles across a machete tucked behind a few crates in the corner. Punishment isn't as lucky and he can only find a pile of junk metal and some splintered wood.

Cahir: "Hold up a second there chap."

Cahir walks over to the pile of scraps and goes into MacGyver mode. Some duct tape here and some duct tape there and Cahir ends up with a pair of wooden clubs with jagged metal spikes poking out of them. He then hands them off to Punishment.

CP: "Where the hell'd you learn to do that?"

Cahir: "Tijuana, 1998."

CP: "Seems legit. Shall we get to it?"

Cahir nods his head and the pair head out into the darkness, leaving the door wide open. As they wander off, a rogue zombie enters the shed. El Taco De Genial opens the door and walks out of the bathroom, wiping the hot sauce tears from it's shell.

El Taco De Genial: "Hey guys, sorry about tha..."

El Taco De Genial spots the zombie standing at the doorway and lets out a girlish squeal. It sprints back into the bathroom and slams the door back shut.

El Taco De Genial: "YOU BASTARDS! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME!"

The zombie hustles over to the bathroom door and begins throwing himself into as El Taco De Genial tries to keep him out. Out in the wilderness Punishment and Cahir have already come across a zombie and are in the midst of battle. Punishment swings one of his clubs and connects with the zombie's chest, but it gets stuck. As he tries to yank it out, Cahir creeps up from behind and stabs the zombie in the back of the neck. Some pushing in and pulling out and the zombie's head comes off. Punishment finally gets his club free and the two walk off toward the hill in the distance. Back in the cabin the bathroom door is on the ground with the zombie laying on top of it, it's head missing. Standing in the bathroom is El Taco De Genial, staring into the mirror as it holds the zombie head in his hands.

El Taco De Genial: "Left me....left me....left me....".

El Taco De Genial smears some of the dark blood from where the neck used to be under it;s "eyes" like it was war paint and then drops the head to the ground. It then turns and walks toward the door, still muttering "left me....left me....".

[Johnny Reb]

Johnny stands there, briefly stunned, as a yellow missile flies in and strikes Doc in the face. The delicious snack cake falls to the ground with a cellophane-wrapped thud. Reb's gun is pointed in the direction it came from about a second later.

Reb: Who in the hell threw that?

His gaze narrows at something moving in the high grass.

Reb: Come on outta there, now... Nice an' easy...

[Deleted]

Big Harvey Dodson waddles out from behind the tall grass, clutching a burrito in his chubby hands.

Big Harvey Dodson: "I...I...I...ohdeargodontshootmeplease! Here, I'll dance for you."

Big Harvey drops his burrito to the ground, pulls up his t-shirt and begins doing the truffle shuffle, praying that his life will be spared.

[Logan]

Logan: That's A LOT of trashcan.

He sneaks up behind Big Harvey and slips his arms around Harvey's neck, breaking it, and then giving his limp body a Connector for good measure. Logan stands from the boudle blob and looks over to Johnny Reb.

Logan: Just killed some boudle. Doesn't that make you want to get naked?

Logan revealed a hotdog from his back pocket and slipped it into Reb's mouth while he began undoing his belt buckle and stripping like a hooker.

[Logan]

Logan grabs the gun from Reb and shoots his own brains out. :rockon:

[Tim]

After a long travel, Joel Hall could finally rest. The person he had encountered was a zombie. Luckily, he had extra arsenal up his sleeve. Right now, he has recently left Reading's town and is in the middle of a highway. Hours have passed and Joel is almost suffering from dehydration. Suddenly, he sees a nearby farmhouse. He walks to the farmhouse and knocks. He slowly opens the door and inspects the property. There's a bathroom. a bedroom, a kitchen, a living room, a basement and an attic. Outside, there's an abandoned truck. It looked pretty old and rusty. Joel went and operated the truck, trying to hotbox it. After a long time, he finally starts up the engine. Before he can drive off, the sun seems to be setting. It would be too late to travel now. Besides, with a zombie apocalypse on the lose, who in the fuckin' mind would travel right at this time?!

Joel Hall: Looks like this will be my temporary vacation house.

Joel gets into the house and tries to get comfy.

[Johnny Reb]

Johnny Reb contentedly munches on the processed-meat delight, staring down at the two corpses at his feet, while Doc apparently continues his mad quest for a Twinkie.

Reb: Huh. Don't see that every day.

It occurs to him that he might be losing his mind; that perhaps he's still safe at home, sitting on his leather couch and tripping his brains out. A low moan from somewhere not too distant -- taken up by other, nearer voices -- reminds him that no, this is happening. Some bizarre nightmare, filled with the undead and tacomen and other innumerable insanities, has supplanted the reality he knows and cherishes. The Inveterate One reaches down and takes the gun from Logan's limp hand, spares a moment to respectfully cover what's left of his head with an old T-shirt, and reloads as he rises again to his feet. Shapes in the twilight move closer, still muttering incomprehensible sounds of endless hunger.

Reb: Doc! Forget the fuckin' Twinkies! Get in the car now!

And Johnny sprints toward the waiting Ranchero.

[Zombie DankMorris]

Zombie sits on a leather recliner while on top of the sip and go gas station, strumming his fingers on the arm rest while he contemplates being the ruler of the rule.

Zombie: These guys. I hate these guys. No one does a thing that I tell them, they just wander around aimlessly. Maybe I need to recruit. There's got to be a Gaitian zombie around here somewhere. I cant stand these shitty movie zombies.I'll to get myself some propaganda to rally the intelligent masses away from these hoards of mindless zombies.

[Zombie DankMorris]

Looking intelligent, willing and ready individuals to Join the Honey Badger army for the aims of global take over. Join in person at the Sip N' Go gas station, 91 Southwic rd, New Orleans, LA.

There will be punch and pie.

[Tim]

Suddenly, waking up, Joel gets out of bed and looks outside. The few zombies are scattered around. Opening his window and taking his sniper, he takes careful aim at the zombies.

"Get off my dirt lawn!"

Shoot, reload, shoot, reload. He does this until all of them are down. After the massacre, Joel puts his gun down.

"Well, that blew my cover. Wonder how many miles that truck can go?"

He goes into his truck and starts the engine. Driving off, he tries to get the hell away as far as possible from Reading and probably to Canada, if he can find the nearest gas station.

[Lucien Hicks]

From the files of Lucien Hicks, Renegade Reporter:

So this is what the end looks like.

It was always the superstition of some that our world would end in either a rain of fire and brimstone or at the hands of the dead come back to life. I was never one for Christian mythology... but now it seems like maybe the Bible makes more sense. After all, the Bible predicted this might happen. Wasn't Lazarus the first of these flesh-eating bastards? Didn't Jesus inevitably join their number? I may not love the guy for his teachings, but I can at least admire him for rising from the dead and not trying to eat anyone's brain afterwards.

I lucked out when this all went down; I was able to get together with a few of New Orleans' mightiest warriors. Sure, they're professional wrestlers... but don't hold that against them. They're used to unusual circumstances and desperate battles... and they're friends of mine, which helps at least as much as their battle training in a world where nothing makes sense anymore. Driving our green Oldsmobile-made battle-cruiser is Cornelius Casanova, former resident of Fleetwood PA and formerly one-half of GEW's 'Mothership Connection'. He has yet to say what became of his tag-team partner... one can only assume there's a reason. In the back seat, armed to the teeth, are the greatest team to ever come out of Global Extreme Wrestling... and one of the few couples I can tolerate for long stretches. Perhaps the one good thing to come from this sudden turn the World has taken would be their reunification... I speak, of course, of Kid Phantasm and Nightmare. In WCF, they're known as the Unstable Elements... here, though, they're just a man and a woman struggling to find a safe haven. At least they struggle together.

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[Scene: somewhere in Nebraska.]

Phantasm: Corndog, you sure we're heading north?

Cornelius: Sure as I am of anything, man. I know how to get home, dogg - believe that.

[Nightmare gazes sternly out of her window; one would guess that she is acting as 'lookout'.]

Nightmare: You guys notice something? Like how quiet it is out here?

Lucien: It's not quiet everywhere... look!

[Ahead of the Oldsmobile by about half a mile, a bus-load of people attempt to ford the hordes of flesh-eaters. The zombies begin climbing the vehicle.]

Phantasm: That bus likely has an emergency exit on the roof... they design 'em like that so people can escape if they flip over. If those zombies get up there-

Nightmare: -read you loud and clear, baby. Cornelius?

Cornelius: Man, this is every man for himself out here... no need to take on a horde of zombies just to-

Lucien: The hell there isn't. Only purpose we've got right now is to take these sons of bitches out. Lord only knows what they're doing to New Orleans... especially if they're already in such numbers up here.

Cornelius: Alright, alright, fuck it. I'll get us close and then we go all GI Joe on 'em.

[The Oldsmobile begins to draw attention; Cornelius pushes the pedal to the floorboard suddenly, throwing his passengers to the back of their seats. He crushes one zombie beneath the treads of his whitewall tires.]

Phantasm: We're go, team...

Nightmare: Just like old times, eh boys?

Lucien: Not exactly.

[The doors fly open; almost immediately, Phantasm aims from behind the door and takes a shot. A zombie's head pops with the force of an M-80. Nightmare lets loose a loud and unintelligible battle cry as she draws two pistols and begins unloading both clips into the horde like she just fell out of a John Woo movie.]

Lucien: Kid... your girlfriend is crazy. Have I told you that before?

Phantasm: You and everyone else I know, Hicks.

[Lucien approaches a zombie, axe raised; he tenses for a second as the zombie shambles toward him. Its head bursts as it gets within arm's length of the reporter.]

Phantasm: You're welcome.

[Cornelius Casanova pops his trunk, retrieving from it a weapon no zombie should attempt to mess with. Inside of his trunk is an old double-barreled shotgun... as he quickly pops a pair of shells into the cracked-open barrels, he fills his pockets with ammunition. As the trunk lid closes, we see zombies coming up on either side of the Funkiest Brother (Still) Alive...]

Lucien: Cornelius- 12 AND 6 o'clock!

[Phantasm turns to cover Cornelius just in time to see the young brown-skinned fellow tumble with his shotgun for about four feet to his right. He aims and takes half of one zombie apart with a shotgun shell... he fires at the other and cuts its torso in half.]

Cornelius: Man, this bitch is still moving... that's just sick.

[The zombie's headless torso snaps its teeth pointlessly at Cornelius. Lucien comes over and buries his axe in its forehead, silencing the horror. Phantasm fires again, cutting off a zombie as it swarms toward Nightmare, who appears to be attempting to free the bus by herself.]

Phantasm: Guys - somebody back up Nightmare! I'm laying down as much cover as I can, but-

Cornelius: On it, K-P.

[They watch in surprise as Nightmare pops two empty clips from her weapons, pulling two fresh ones from her belt and popping them into the handguns as if smoothing an errant lock of hair. A zombie creeps up behind her; she spins and puts four bullets through its face.]

Cornelius: ...damn, son. You sure she needs help?

Phantasm: Don't make me ask you twice, Corndog.

[The three men slowly advance, Cornelius laying out a wall of cover fire. The bus begins to creep away from the scene, its driver likely thanking some flavor of god for the intervention of the Unstable Elements and friends... seeing this, Phantasm makes a decision.]

Phantasm: Cornelius, go get the car... we've gotta get up to Pennsylvania and fast. CRYSTAL!

[Nightmare fires into the crowd of zombies, dropping two more; she shouts back without a look.]

Nightmare: Where the hell are you guys? I've taken out like half of these by myself.

Phantasm: We've gotta get out of here before all this noise calls every walker in six counties. Jeff and Kari might need our help!

[That bit of information seems to sink in.]

Nightmare: Fuck it - you're right.

[She runs back towards the car, unloading the rest of both clips into the horde. The four jump into the Oldsmobile as Cornelius pushes the gas pedal to the floorboard... the vehicle doesn't move.]

Cornelius: Man, what kind of bullshit-

Lucien: I think we're in something.

Phantasm: Or on something... Lucien, can I see your axe for a second?

[The reporter casually passes the fire axe to the back seat. Kid Phantasm opens his door; a filthy hand pops up as if coming from the depths of Hell itself.]

Phantasm: Well here's your problem-

[He short-swings the axe, clipping the hand and removing most of it. The hand sinks back beneath the vehicle... suddenly, the Oldsmobile gains traction, tearing through the crowd of zombies. Phantasm's door clips one of them and the force closes it abruptly.]

Phantasm: -you had the undead stuck in your tires.

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[Next: Do the undead hold 'The Future'?]