Post by DVS on Nov 19, 2014 3:49:56 GMT -5
A young brunette woman dressed in black stands behind a semi-circular counter made of dark red marble. Two men approach her, and she smiles. She steps outside of the counter and approaches them. She’s in her early twenties with an attractive face, and an even more attractive body. She brushes away her hair from her right shoulder while closely hugging an IPad against her chest. She welcomes her guests.
Young Woman: "Welcome to the Cheescake Factory! Two tonight?"
Her eyes and smile move slow from man to man as they look around the restaurant. Large, decadent pillars connect the floor and ceiling. Decorative lamps hang in awe above the gluttons below. There are people everywhere. People are waiting to be seated. People sit at the white marble tables consuming mediocre meals at Facebook stock prices. People huddle over the glamorous bar stocked with top shelf liquors, tapped with a few select brews, and an arsenal of fine wine. The television mounted above the selection of tap handles is playing the SEC (college football) channel.
The shorter of the two men is a gentleman wearing an orange and white polo tucked into dark gray slacks. His hair is well-groomed, and combed straight back. He’s clean shaven.
Man: "Yes. How long is the wait?"
He continues to study the restaurant and its ambiance. He tucks his hands into his pants pockets. The young woman looks at her IPad and taps on the screen.
Young Woman: "We’re currently experiencing a high volume of guests."
She continues to stare at the IPad screen while slowly making a slow and upward swipe motion with her right index finger.
The second man leans over and whispers to the first man.
Man 2 : (whispering) "No shit..."
The second man is much taller with wet, dark brown, curly hair that hangs over his ears. He strokes his unshaven face and tugs at the bend in his v-neck. He’s handsome, 6’3”, with light blue eyes and a natural year-round tan.
The young woman smiles at the men. They return a smile.
Young Woman: "You’re looking at about 35 minutes. What name can I put the wait under?"
The second man’s eyes light up and he looks concerned. The first man bites his bottom lip, consistently nods his head, and continues to survey the restaurant. The second man looks at the first and catches his attention. The first man gives him the go-ahead and the second man turns back to the woman.
Man 2 : "You can put it under future WCF superstar Dan Van Slade -"...
Young Woman: "OK! What if..."
She starts to uses her finger to type the name, but she’s interrupted by Dan Van Slade.
Dan Van Slade: " - …that’s ’Devious’ Dan Van Slade, also known as Captain Devioso, El Taimado, Yokoshimana, The Sultan of Deviance…"
He lists the names to the young woman while counting them on his fingers. There’s an awkward look of shock on her face. The first man looks at his friend with intrigue.
Dan Van Slade: "…The Wizard of Deviance, S-T-Deviance, Deviant McGee, The best deviant there ever is-was-and will be, The Mischievous Magician, Dan Van Trollface, hash-tag dat deviant, Dan the Man, Sexy Slade, Deviant Rotten Scoundrel, Mos Deviant, That Deviant Ratchet, The Rascally Deviant, Ol’Dirty Deviant; …"
He points behind him at the glass counter displaying a variety of gourmet cheesecake. There are two women behind the counter dressed in white and wearing red aprons.
Dan Van Slade: "…and why you don’t have a cheesecake named after me still boggles my damn mind…"
The first man awkwardly smiles at the young woman. She is clueless as to how to handle what was said. She catches a glimpse of the first man.
Man: "…David; you can put it under David."
Young Woman: "OK..."
She types the name. David looks confused at Dan.
David: "...that deviant ratchet?"
Dan proudly smiles. He turns to David and shrugs his shoulders. He points at the young woman.
Dan Van Slade: "I bet she's got a ratchet side…"
The young woman glares at Dan for a moment and turns to David to express her fakeness with a grin.
Young Woman: "Your table will be ready in about 35 minutes. Take this…"
She hands David a small square device with four red LED lights flashing one-after-the-other in each corner.
Young Woman: "Bring it to me once it begins to vibrate."
Van Slade chuckles to himself, widens his eyes, and turns to David with a child-like grin.
Dan Van Slade: "God…she makes this so damn easy…"
David slowly shakes his head and blankly stares at Van Slade.
Five minutes have passed. David and Dan Van Slade still patiently wait for a table and they people watch in the main lobby of the Cheesecake Factory. Plenty of people pass. Large groups of friends and family travel through the foyer and open fancy large double doors into the lobby. Rows upon rows of glamorous cheesecake make the background behind the men. David has his arms folded as Van Slade pans the restaurant. Dan looks with concern at David.
Dan Van Slade: "Dave and Busters…"
Van Slade stares back into the restaurant at all the people sitting at tables and happily enjoying their meals.
Dan Van Slade: "…some sort of Sports bar; or any bar for that matter…"
Dan turns to David again, but he seems annoyed.
Dan Van Slade: "…yet you bring me to the God damned Cheesecake Factory to wait over half an hour for something that could be done in seconds!"
David smirks, nods, and turns to Dan.
David: "As if I’ll take you any place where I’m surrounded by your kind? You better think again."
Dan’s eyes widen and he smiles a toothless grin. Two teeth are missing from his bottom set, and beyond his inner right cheek is another gap on his top set.
Dan Van Slade: "HA! You firmly believe that this place is without people like me? Wanna bet a buck? Most of these smug bastards are so righteously life-constipated that they don’t see how full of crap they truly are."
David looks away and rolls his eyes.
David: (whispering under his breath) "…you would know…"
Dan surveys the crowd.
Dan Van Slade: "Well…yeah. I’m one of the biggest pieces of crap you’ll ever meet, and I proudly admit that. I don’t mind it. People need to be more like me."
David continues to look the other way. He slowly shakes his head and smirks with a brief laugh. A young boy, about eight years old, stops and stares beside Dan at the cheesecake lined like a hall-of-fame in the glass counter behind the men. The boy is well dressed for his age, and perhaps wearing attire selected by his mother. The child’s hair is groomed, gel’d, parted at the left side and combed to the right. The boy presses his hands against the glass and stares awkwardly at the cakes. Dan curiously stares down at the boy.
Dan Van Slade: "Hey kid…"
The boy blankly stares at Dan. His mouth is partially open and his eyes are wide. Dan smiles.
Dan Van Slade: "You know – you’ll get cancer if you hold in your farts…"
The boy continues to blankly stare, and has absolutely no idea how to respond. Dan cringes, presses his eyes together and snarls. Van Slade lifts his left foot up off the ground and slightly bends his left knee. Dan’s body becomes tense, and he releases gas. The boy’s eyes widen as Dan emits flatulence that sounds a lot like air being pushed from a puncture in a rubber tire, or balloon. A smile appears over Dan’s face, and his eyes slowly open. David immediately looks at Dan. David’s expression is priceless; he can’t believe what Dan is doing. Van Slade’s fart lasts five seconds before it trails off into four consistent volume decreased puffs.
The boy runs away.
Dan presents a devious grin and watches the boy escape. David shakes his head and seems unhappy with the unpleasant odor.
David: "Seriou…really?"
Dan laughs to himself and then turns to point at David.
Dan Van Slade: "…cancer free, baby!"
They continue to wait ten minutes later. An elderly couple stands next to a humming Dan Van Slade. The couple is in their 70’s, and they’re dressed appropriately. She’s wearing a blouse embroidered with multiple species of flowers. Her hair is a fluff of white. She’s wearing brown slip-on shoes with panty-hoes covering her varicose vein filled legs. The man is wearing a dark brown sweater, and light brown khaki slacks that are perfectly ironed and hemmed to the mid-shin. His socks are black with the outline of a diamond shape on the ankle. He’s rocking an awesome fedora.
Dan continues to hum, and the lady seems to be fascinated with it. She smiles and continues her interest with Dan’s humming.
Elderly Woman: "What is that you’re humming? It’s beautiful."
Dan tilts his head and smiles at the woman.
Dan Van Slade: "Oh, it’s just one of my all-time faves – A Skull Full of Maggots by Cannibal Corpse."
The three individuals surrounding Dan Van Slade look at him with disgust. The elderly man removes his fedora and presses it against his chest. He leans forward and whispers to his wife.
Elderly Man: (whispering) "What in the Sam Hell did he just say?"
The elderly woman looks forward. Her eyes are wide. She puts a hand to her abdomen and looks as if she’s been violated.
Elderly Woman: "I…I’m sorry that I asked…"
Van Slade is still smiling and he places his hand on her shoulder.
Dan Van Slade: "Don’t be sorry! They’re a pretty rad band, and I’ll be fair – they’re truly for everybody. You should give’em a listen – I’m certain you’ll be impressed with what you hear; but – if your ears don’t bleed then you’re doing something wrong."
The elderly woman makes the sign of the cross and blesses herself. The elderly man steps aside and angrily waves his fedora at Dan. He brushes Dan’s hand off his wife’s shoulder.
Elderly Man: "Son, you get your damned hand off my wife. You need Jesus!"
Dan shrugs his shoulders and looks away. He stares back into the zoo of hungry people.
Dan Van Slade: "Sir, I need a lot of things, but a Hispanic man is not one of them."
Dan continues to hum. David walks in front of Dan and gestures to the elderly couple. He points at Dan.
David: "I’m sorry about him, folks. He has no filter. Just drown him out and go about your night."
The couple is upset. The man puts his hat on and grabs his wife’s arm.
Elderly Man: "We won’t be harassed by some low-life mental case."
He tugs on his wife’s arm and they angrily stomp away from David and Dan. The two men watch the couple disappear into the crowd of starving customers patiently waiting for a table. The elderly man can be heard angrily commenting about Dan as they walk away.
Elderly Man: "…piece of shit generation is always pissing me off…"
Elderly Woman: "Hun…"
Elderly Man: "Just put me outta my misery already…"
Dan turns to David and snickers.
Fifteen minutes later. David and Dan stand in front of the cheesecake counter. Four teenagers, three female, walk passed. The men’s eyes simultaneously follow. A mostly male group in business suits talks amongst each other and walk by soon after. Dan catches a glimpse of a man talking to the hostess that initially greeted them. The man is about five feet and eight inches tall; he’s dressed to impress and suited to the gills. He and the young lady are laughing, and he adjusts a complimenting Burberry tie.
Dan glares. He strokes stubble on his chin. David opens up the current issue of the Wall Street Journal.
Dan Van Slade: "I’ve got a headline for you."
Dan smiles as David closes his eyes and bows his head. David grips the pages of the Journal and angrily purses his lips. Dan disregards his friend’s reaction. Van Slade grins and dramatically pantomimes the headline.
Dan Van Slade: "The Ultimate Cockblock now on menu at Cheesecake Factory…"
Dan wastes no time. He swiftly turns his attention to the couple at the marble counter and jettisons forward. David begins to nonchalantly fold his copy of the Journal; he has yet to open his eyes. It’s apparent that David is trying hard to be patient.
Dan leans on the counter. The couple turns their attention to the man. Dan smiles, and points at the business man.
Dan Van Slade: "You should have returned her calls."
The business man is shocked. He shakes his head, and then takes a look at the young woman. The business man takes a quick look at Van Slade.
Business Man: "Excuse me? What?"
Dan chuckles and nods.
Dan Van Slade: "I understand my sister comes off as a slut, and I’m certain the herpes are a killer, but ignoring her and telling her friends that she’s the 'C' word is unacceptable…"
The business man’s eyes widen. He looks at the young lady.
Business Man: "I have no…"
Dan Van Slade: "…I mean, dude, you’ve got what…three kids already? Two of them are from different marriages. Then you get divorced and you go and give my sister the ole’ tug’n’go; only to leave her literally high-n-dry while you go and chase your dreams. Emily is two years old now, and her mother has to be on Government Assistance because you won’t pay child support. Now you’re trying to get the swoop on a Cheesecake Factory hostess? C'mon, fella! You must be the owner of a mean pair of testicles…"
The business man shakes his head and cannot believe what is going on.
Business Man: "Who the fuh…"
Dan Van Slade: "Look – how about we call it a truce?"
Dan extends for a handshake.
Dan Van Slade: "I’ll just tell sis that I ran into you and that you told me you fell into a brutal heroin addiction that you preferred not to drag her and my niece into; I therefore found respect for that and gave you the move on. It’s either that or I break your face with my fist. Can we call that a deal?"
The business man slowly shakes his head and hurries away. Dan smiles and stares at his extended hand. He bends his extended arm up and then turns his attention to the hostess. Van Slade slowly leans onto the marble counter. He confidently smiles at the attractive young lady.
Dan Van Slade: "So…"
Dan looks down at her hands that are placed at the edge of the counter top. Van Slade pokes her hands with his index finger.
Dan Van Slade: "What’cha doin’ tonight?"
Dan looks up at the hostess and winks. The young lady is disgusted and lifts an eyebrow.
Young Woman: "I’m working."
Dan nods. He stands away from the counter. The hostess stares up at him with a confused smirk. Dan turns to walk away.
Dan Van Slade: "Fun. I just wanted to cock block that douchebag…"
He walks away. The hostess is confused and shakes her head.
The men are finally seated in a booth at the epicenter of the restaurant, and there was no strategy in their placement. A waiter dressed in white, white pants and white top, approaches the table. He’s a middle aged gentlemen, and probably in his early thirties. He has short red hair, well groomed, and a red goatee. He has a pale complexion, and is freckled.
Waiter: "Gentlemen, my name is Paul and I’ll be taking care of you tonight."
He slides two drink coasters onto the table and placed before the men.
Waiter Paul: "We’ve got a fantastic selection of fine wine, and I’d suggest taking a look…"
Dan interrupts the waiter.
Dan Van Slade: "Skip the nonsense, Ginger, and tell me what IPA’s ya’got…"
Paul stares coldly at Dan but he doesn’t stray from his job.
Waiter Paul: "Well, we have Sam’s Rebel on tap; but in the bottle we have Southern Tier 2X IPA, Fatheads Head Hunter, Great Lakes Lake Erie Monster - "
Dan Van Slade: "Stop."
Dan points at the waiter.
Dan Van Slade: "Gimme the monster…"
He looks at David.
Dan Van Slade: "Nine percent. I’m going deep."
Dan looks back at the waiter.
Dan Van Slade: "Get us some of that fried calamari, too. I’m feelin’ like some squid tonight…"
Waiter Paul scribbles the order on a guest check, and he pays close attention. The server points his pen at David.
Waiter Paul: "And for you, sir?"
David: "Water with lemon."
Dan looks at David and raises an eyebrow. He mocks his friend in a high pitched attempt at a girls voice.
Dan Van Slade: (mocking) "Water with lemon…"
Dan smirks and leans back in the booth, and returns to normal voice.
Dan Van Slade: "Vagine."
The waiter is confused. The family seated next to the men stares directly at Dan. Waiter Paul looks at Dan for a brief moment, and then turns to David.
Waiter Paul: "I’m going to give you guys a few minutes while I gather your drinks and put in your calamari…"
Paul quickly leaves the scene to continue his hustle, and Dan continues his cynicism. Van Slade tilts his head and smiles at an irritated David.
Dan Van Slade: "What seems to have my agents’ panties in a twist?"
David glares at his client.
David: "There are multitudes of reasons why many promotions want nothing to do with you. Somehow, and I’m still grasping onto logic with this one, but somehow you’ve managed to be signed by one of the best in the industry. I can’t say I didn’t clog my toilet with a golden brick."
Dan nods and seems impressed. David takes a deep breath and continues.
David: "I’m relieved, and I’m happy for you, but you have to take this seriously. You have to leave this impromptu meeting with an idea, and that idea has to take you to the pinnacle of this game."
David points at his client.
David: "This could be your last chance to really make something of yourself."
Dan takes a deep breath and adjusts his back against the soft booth seat. David continues his rant.
David: "We’ve worked hard to get you here, but that dedication doesn’t stop. I have more faith in you than anyone, and I know for a fact that you’ll find a way to weasel your way into the Wrestling Championship Federation’s hallowed halls. You’re great, but you’ll always be your greatest weakness."
Dan cracks his knuckles and leans forward.
Dan Van Slade: "I don’t know this weak you speak of. That was a pretty unique way to break this news to me. I’m glad that you have to go into a lecture with advice and faith so that I’m made aware that I’ll be taking my gift to WCF. I can’t say that I’m not surprised. I mean – it did take just over a year for them to make a decision, but that seems to be the pace at which WCF makes their moves. Fourteen years is nothing for something moving at a snail’s pace. So – I suppose I’m just gonna have to walk right in and crank it up a notch. Thank you, sir David! This can now be Facebook official, right?"
David smiles, and happily nods. Dan begins to retrieve his cell phone but the men are interrupted by a returning Waiter Paul. The waiter places a bottle of Great Lakes Lake Erie Monster and a frosted pint glass in front of Dan; and the water with lemon is placed in front of David. Dan stares down at the frosted pint glass. Van Slade wiggles his chin and appears to be sobbing. He looks at his agent and places his hands against his chest.
Dan Van Slade: "He’s a man after my own heart, Dave! A frosted pint!"
Waiter Paul seems pleased with the response albeit still uncomfortable from the comment about his red hair made minutes ago.
Waiter Paul: "Have we made a decision, guys? The calamari will only take a few more minutes, so what are we going for after that?"
The waiter looks at David.
David: "New York strip; mashed potatoes and gravy."
Waiter Paul looks at Dan, but the superstar seems to be coming to a late decision. Dan looks at Paul.
Dan Van Slade: "Parmesan crusted chicken, and I’ll take some of that rice pilaf with it."
The men are happy to hand their menus to Waiter Paul as he turns to leave. David looks at Dan.
David: "You were brought up with Sin Rostro, Jr. and Bryan Lin. WCF has a vast farm system and it’s over-flowing with young talent."
Dan laughs to himself and rolls his eyes.
Dan Van Slade: "An asshole, a Mexican and a nerd. It sounds like the start to a filthy joke if you ask me."
David ignores his client’s comments and continues.
David: "Be serious, Dan. You’ve got a lot riding on you. This place is no picnic. There are a lot of roughshod warriors in WCF. This is the big leagues, and not many are cut out to hang with these brutes. I’ve been around, but I’ve never seen anything like this. You’ve got your work cut out for you."
Dan chuckles and leans back in the booth. He shrugs his shoulders.
Dan Van Slade: "I know what’s at stake. I don’t need to be serious to recognize the risk I’m clearly willing to take. I understand, man. This is what I do. I talk a lot of shit, and then I battle it out. I’m ready to kick a lot of ass, and take a lot of beatings. I will never stop conditioning myself to be numb against the oncoming war. If I want to be myself then I have to anticipate every consequence. It’s not rocket science."
David nods and seems pleased with Dan’s response.
David: "Then I’ve done my job."
Dan smiles and agrees with a nod.
Dan Van Slade: "Absolutely, and well – I might add. I’m with WCF, so I’d say you’ve done a bang up job."
David smiles, and acts as if he’s blushing while patting himself on the back. Dan becomes distracted with some of the movement throughout the restaurant as he people gazes. Van Slade turns to David.
Dan Van Slade: "You wouldn’t believe what I heard on the radio today."
David leans forward with intrigue.
David: "What?"
Dan Van Slade: "It’s common for people to have a fistula of the bladder and anus."
A man coughs loudly in the booth behind Dan, and he apparently hears the conversation. David leans back in the booth and blankly stares at Dan. Many people in the section overhear Dan’s comment and they pause to stare and listen.
David: "A…what?"
Dan Van Slade: "A fistula of the bladder and anus."
Dan smiles and begins to explain. He pays no attention to the people around him.
Dan Van Slade: "Check this – so there’s a connection sometimes made between the intestine and bladder. This is caused by a rupture in the intestine for which it would connect with the bladder. Do you know what that means?"
David slowly shakes his head. His eyes are wide. He can’t believe what Dan is telling him. Dan smiles and snaps his fingers.
Dan Van Slade: "Your urine smells like a fart!"
A woman is heard saying ’Oh my God’ in the distance, and a man in an adjacent booth quickly exits his table and points at a waitress. Dan grins and continues.
Dan Van Slade: "Dude – this is wild! So, not only would you fart out of there, but eventually the connection grows and you start passing stool. It’s…intense…"
A man approaches their table. David and Dan turn to him. The man is wearing a red button-up shirt and the sleeves are rolled evenly to the elbows. He has a well-groomed mustache. His brown hair is speckled with grays, freshly cut, and combed back. His shirt is tucked into ironed black slacks. He presses his hands together.
Man: "Gentlemen, how are we doing tonight?"
Dan is the first to answer.
Dan Van Slade: "If you’re looking for honesty then you’ve come to the wrong booth, Cap’n."
The man glares at Dan and then turns to David.
Man: "My name is Dean, and I’m the Manager on Duty. We’ve had a few complaints about crude behavior. I took everything into consideration, but it’s getting a bit out of hand."
The manager turns to Dan.
Dean, the Manager: "Everybody deserves a chance to relax, and eat. However, I only tolerate so much before it’s time to demand that you leave. Paul has printed your checks and he’ll deliver them with your food that we’re preparing for takeout. If you can kindly leave then it’d be appreciated."
Dan turns to David and smiles. David slowly shakes his head and glares at Dan. Van Slade turns to the manager.
Dan Van Slade: "Was it because I farted by a little boy?"
The manager takes a deep breath.
Dean, the Manager: "I’m going to take this no further. Thank you for your time, but please exit the premises."
The manager walks away. David continues to stare and is slowly becoming red. Dan shrugs his shoulders and gathers his belongings. He grabs the bottle of Great Lakes beer and immediately chugs it. David watches as Dan impressively downs the brew and then slams the bottle on the table. Van Slade wipes beer from his lips and exhales. He smiles at David.
Dan Van Slade: "I just realized that I forgot my wallet. Could you pick this one up for me? Don’t tip. Let me sign the merchant copy. Ole’ Red won’t realize that the real gratuity is an autograph from the coolest mother fucker on God’s green Earth."
Dan points at himself using both his thumbs.
Dan Van Slade: "That’d be me. 'Devious' Dan Van Slade."
Dan grins and winks at his angered agent as Waiter Paul approaches the booth carrying the check tucked within a leather bound black book. The restaurant slowly returns to normality as the server begins the process of eliminating Dan and David from the environment.
Young Woman: "Welcome to the Cheescake Factory! Two tonight?"
Her eyes and smile move slow from man to man as they look around the restaurant. Large, decadent pillars connect the floor and ceiling. Decorative lamps hang in awe above the gluttons below. There are people everywhere. People are waiting to be seated. People sit at the white marble tables consuming mediocre meals at Facebook stock prices. People huddle over the glamorous bar stocked with top shelf liquors, tapped with a few select brews, and an arsenal of fine wine. The television mounted above the selection of tap handles is playing the SEC (college football) channel.
The shorter of the two men is a gentleman wearing an orange and white polo tucked into dark gray slacks. His hair is well-groomed, and combed straight back. He’s clean shaven.
Man: "Yes. How long is the wait?"
He continues to study the restaurant and its ambiance. He tucks his hands into his pants pockets. The young woman looks at her IPad and taps on the screen.
Young Woman: "We’re currently experiencing a high volume of guests."
She continues to stare at the IPad screen while slowly making a slow and upward swipe motion with her right index finger.
The second man leans over and whispers to the first man.
Man 2 : (whispering) "No shit..."
The second man is much taller with wet, dark brown, curly hair that hangs over his ears. He strokes his unshaven face and tugs at the bend in his v-neck. He’s handsome, 6’3”, with light blue eyes and a natural year-round tan.
The young woman smiles at the men. They return a smile.
Young Woman: "You’re looking at about 35 minutes. What name can I put the wait under?"
The second man’s eyes light up and he looks concerned. The first man bites his bottom lip, consistently nods his head, and continues to survey the restaurant. The second man looks at the first and catches his attention. The first man gives him the go-ahead and the second man turns back to the woman.
Man 2 : "You can put it under future WCF superstar Dan Van Slade -"...
Young Woman: "OK! What if..."
She starts to uses her finger to type the name, but she’s interrupted by Dan Van Slade.
Dan Van Slade: " - …that’s ’Devious’ Dan Van Slade, also known as Captain Devioso, El Taimado, Yokoshimana, The Sultan of Deviance…"
He lists the names to the young woman while counting them on his fingers. There’s an awkward look of shock on her face. The first man looks at his friend with intrigue.
Dan Van Slade: "…The Wizard of Deviance, S-T-Deviance, Deviant McGee, The best deviant there ever is-was-and will be, The Mischievous Magician, Dan Van Trollface, hash-tag dat deviant, Dan the Man, Sexy Slade, Deviant Rotten Scoundrel, Mos Deviant, That Deviant Ratchet, The Rascally Deviant, Ol’Dirty Deviant; …"
He points behind him at the glass counter displaying a variety of gourmet cheesecake. There are two women behind the counter dressed in white and wearing red aprons.
Dan Van Slade: "…and why you don’t have a cheesecake named after me still boggles my damn mind…"
The first man awkwardly smiles at the young woman. She is clueless as to how to handle what was said. She catches a glimpse of the first man.
Man: "…David; you can put it under David."
Young Woman: "OK..."
She types the name. David looks confused at Dan.
David: "...that deviant ratchet?"
Dan proudly smiles. He turns to David and shrugs his shoulders. He points at the young woman.
Dan Van Slade: "I bet she's got a ratchet side…"
The young woman glares at Dan for a moment and turns to David to express her fakeness with a grin.
Young Woman: "Your table will be ready in about 35 minutes. Take this…"
She hands David a small square device with four red LED lights flashing one-after-the-other in each corner.
Young Woman: "Bring it to me once it begins to vibrate."
Van Slade chuckles to himself, widens his eyes, and turns to David with a child-like grin.
Dan Van Slade: "God…she makes this so damn easy…"
David slowly shakes his head and blankly stares at Van Slade.
Five minutes have passed. David and Dan Van Slade still patiently wait for a table and they people watch in the main lobby of the Cheesecake Factory. Plenty of people pass. Large groups of friends and family travel through the foyer and open fancy large double doors into the lobby. Rows upon rows of glamorous cheesecake make the background behind the men. David has his arms folded as Van Slade pans the restaurant. Dan looks with concern at David.
Dan Van Slade: "Dave and Busters…"
Van Slade stares back into the restaurant at all the people sitting at tables and happily enjoying their meals.
Dan Van Slade: "…some sort of Sports bar; or any bar for that matter…"
Dan turns to David again, but he seems annoyed.
Dan Van Slade: "…yet you bring me to the God damned Cheesecake Factory to wait over half an hour for something that could be done in seconds!"
David smirks, nods, and turns to Dan.
David: "As if I’ll take you any place where I’m surrounded by your kind? You better think again."
Dan’s eyes widen and he smiles a toothless grin. Two teeth are missing from his bottom set, and beyond his inner right cheek is another gap on his top set.
Dan Van Slade: "HA! You firmly believe that this place is without people like me? Wanna bet a buck? Most of these smug bastards are so righteously life-constipated that they don’t see how full of crap they truly are."
David looks away and rolls his eyes.
David: (whispering under his breath) "…you would know…"
Dan surveys the crowd.
Dan Van Slade: "Well…yeah. I’m one of the biggest pieces of crap you’ll ever meet, and I proudly admit that. I don’t mind it. People need to be more like me."
David continues to look the other way. He slowly shakes his head and smirks with a brief laugh. A young boy, about eight years old, stops and stares beside Dan at the cheesecake lined like a hall-of-fame in the glass counter behind the men. The boy is well dressed for his age, and perhaps wearing attire selected by his mother. The child’s hair is groomed, gel’d, parted at the left side and combed to the right. The boy presses his hands against the glass and stares awkwardly at the cakes. Dan curiously stares down at the boy.
Dan Van Slade: "Hey kid…"
The boy blankly stares at Dan. His mouth is partially open and his eyes are wide. Dan smiles.
Dan Van Slade: "You know – you’ll get cancer if you hold in your farts…"
The boy continues to blankly stare, and has absolutely no idea how to respond. Dan cringes, presses his eyes together and snarls. Van Slade lifts his left foot up off the ground and slightly bends his left knee. Dan’s body becomes tense, and he releases gas. The boy’s eyes widen as Dan emits flatulence that sounds a lot like air being pushed from a puncture in a rubber tire, or balloon. A smile appears over Dan’s face, and his eyes slowly open. David immediately looks at Dan. David’s expression is priceless; he can’t believe what Dan is doing. Van Slade’s fart lasts five seconds before it trails off into four consistent volume decreased puffs.
The boy runs away.
Dan presents a devious grin and watches the boy escape. David shakes his head and seems unhappy with the unpleasant odor.
David: "Seriou…really?"
Dan laughs to himself and then turns to point at David.
Dan Van Slade: "…cancer free, baby!"
They continue to wait ten minutes later. An elderly couple stands next to a humming Dan Van Slade. The couple is in their 70’s, and they’re dressed appropriately. She’s wearing a blouse embroidered with multiple species of flowers. Her hair is a fluff of white. She’s wearing brown slip-on shoes with panty-hoes covering her varicose vein filled legs. The man is wearing a dark brown sweater, and light brown khaki slacks that are perfectly ironed and hemmed to the mid-shin. His socks are black with the outline of a diamond shape on the ankle. He’s rocking an awesome fedora.
Dan continues to hum, and the lady seems to be fascinated with it. She smiles and continues her interest with Dan’s humming.
Elderly Woman: "What is that you’re humming? It’s beautiful."
Dan tilts his head and smiles at the woman.
Dan Van Slade: "Oh, it’s just one of my all-time faves – A Skull Full of Maggots by Cannibal Corpse."
The three individuals surrounding Dan Van Slade look at him with disgust. The elderly man removes his fedora and presses it against his chest. He leans forward and whispers to his wife.
Elderly Man: (whispering) "What in the Sam Hell did he just say?"
The elderly woman looks forward. Her eyes are wide. She puts a hand to her abdomen and looks as if she’s been violated.
Elderly Woman: "I…I’m sorry that I asked…"
Van Slade is still smiling and he places his hand on her shoulder.
Dan Van Slade: "Don’t be sorry! They’re a pretty rad band, and I’ll be fair – they’re truly for everybody. You should give’em a listen – I’m certain you’ll be impressed with what you hear; but – if your ears don’t bleed then you’re doing something wrong."
The elderly woman makes the sign of the cross and blesses herself. The elderly man steps aside and angrily waves his fedora at Dan. He brushes Dan’s hand off his wife’s shoulder.
Elderly Man: "Son, you get your damned hand off my wife. You need Jesus!"
Dan shrugs his shoulders and looks away. He stares back into the zoo of hungry people.
Dan Van Slade: "Sir, I need a lot of things, but a Hispanic man is not one of them."
Dan continues to hum. David walks in front of Dan and gestures to the elderly couple. He points at Dan.
David: "I’m sorry about him, folks. He has no filter. Just drown him out and go about your night."
The couple is upset. The man puts his hat on and grabs his wife’s arm.
Elderly Man: "We won’t be harassed by some low-life mental case."
He tugs on his wife’s arm and they angrily stomp away from David and Dan. The two men watch the couple disappear into the crowd of starving customers patiently waiting for a table. The elderly man can be heard angrily commenting about Dan as they walk away.
Elderly Man: "…piece of shit generation is always pissing me off…"
Elderly Woman: "Hun…"
Elderly Man: "Just put me outta my misery already…"
Dan turns to David and snickers.
Fifteen minutes later. David and Dan stand in front of the cheesecake counter. Four teenagers, three female, walk passed. The men’s eyes simultaneously follow. A mostly male group in business suits talks amongst each other and walk by soon after. Dan catches a glimpse of a man talking to the hostess that initially greeted them. The man is about five feet and eight inches tall; he’s dressed to impress and suited to the gills. He and the young lady are laughing, and he adjusts a complimenting Burberry tie.
Dan glares. He strokes stubble on his chin. David opens up the current issue of the Wall Street Journal.
Dan Van Slade: "I’ve got a headline for you."
Dan smiles as David closes his eyes and bows his head. David grips the pages of the Journal and angrily purses his lips. Dan disregards his friend’s reaction. Van Slade grins and dramatically pantomimes the headline.
Dan Van Slade: "The Ultimate Cockblock now on menu at Cheesecake Factory…"
Dan wastes no time. He swiftly turns his attention to the couple at the marble counter and jettisons forward. David begins to nonchalantly fold his copy of the Journal; he has yet to open his eyes. It’s apparent that David is trying hard to be patient.
Dan leans on the counter. The couple turns their attention to the man. Dan smiles, and points at the business man.
Dan Van Slade: "You should have returned her calls."
The business man is shocked. He shakes his head, and then takes a look at the young woman. The business man takes a quick look at Van Slade.
Business Man: "Excuse me? What?"
Dan chuckles and nods.
Dan Van Slade: "I understand my sister comes off as a slut, and I’m certain the herpes are a killer, but ignoring her and telling her friends that she’s the 'C' word is unacceptable…"
The business man’s eyes widen. He looks at the young lady.
Business Man: "I have no…"
Dan Van Slade: "…I mean, dude, you’ve got what…three kids already? Two of them are from different marriages. Then you get divorced and you go and give my sister the ole’ tug’n’go; only to leave her literally high-n-dry while you go and chase your dreams. Emily is two years old now, and her mother has to be on Government Assistance because you won’t pay child support. Now you’re trying to get the swoop on a Cheesecake Factory hostess? C'mon, fella! You must be the owner of a mean pair of testicles…"
The business man shakes his head and cannot believe what is going on.
Business Man: "Who the fuh…"
Dan Van Slade: "Look – how about we call it a truce?"
Dan extends for a handshake.
Dan Van Slade: "I’ll just tell sis that I ran into you and that you told me you fell into a brutal heroin addiction that you preferred not to drag her and my niece into; I therefore found respect for that and gave you the move on. It’s either that or I break your face with my fist. Can we call that a deal?"
The business man slowly shakes his head and hurries away. Dan smiles and stares at his extended hand. He bends his extended arm up and then turns his attention to the hostess. Van Slade slowly leans onto the marble counter. He confidently smiles at the attractive young lady.
Dan Van Slade: "So…"
Dan looks down at her hands that are placed at the edge of the counter top. Van Slade pokes her hands with his index finger.
Dan Van Slade: "What’cha doin’ tonight?"
Dan looks up at the hostess and winks. The young lady is disgusted and lifts an eyebrow.
Young Woman: "I’m working."
Dan nods. He stands away from the counter. The hostess stares up at him with a confused smirk. Dan turns to walk away.
Dan Van Slade: "Fun. I just wanted to cock block that douchebag…"
He walks away. The hostess is confused and shakes her head.
The men are finally seated in a booth at the epicenter of the restaurant, and there was no strategy in their placement. A waiter dressed in white, white pants and white top, approaches the table. He’s a middle aged gentlemen, and probably in his early thirties. He has short red hair, well groomed, and a red goatee. He has a pale complexion, and is freckled.
Waiter: "Gentlemen, my name is Paul and I’ll be taking care of you tonight."
He slides two drink coasters onto the table and placed before the men.
Waiter Paul: "We’ve got a fantastic selection of fine wine, and I’d suggest taking a look…"
Dan interrupts the waiter.
Dan Van Slade: "Skip the nonsense, Ginger, and tell me what IPA’s ya’got…"
Paul stares coldly at Dan but he doesn’t stray from his job.
Waiter Paul: "Well, we have Sam’s Rebel on tap; but in the bottle we have Southern Tier 2X IPA, Fatheads Head Hunter, Great Lakes Lake Erie Monster - "
Dan Van Slade: "Stop."
Dan points at the waiter.
Dan Van Slade: "Gimme the monster…"
He looks at David.
Dan Van Slade: "Nine percent. I’m going deep."
Dan looks back at the waiter.
Dan Van Slade: "Get us some of that fried calamari, too. I’m feelin’ like some squid tonight…"
Waiter Paul scribbles the order on a guest check, and he pays close attention. The server points his pen at David.
Waiter Paul: "And for you, sir?"
David: "Water with lemon."
Dan looks at David and raises an eyebrow. He mocks his friend in a high pitched attempt at a girls voice.
Dan Van Slade: (mocking) "Water with lemon…"
Dan smirks and leans back in the booth, and returns to normal voice.
Dan Van Slade: "Vagine."
The waiter is confused. The family seated next to the men stares directly at Dan. Waiter Paul looks at Dan for a brief moment, and then turns to David.
Waiter Paul: "I’m going to give you guys a few minutes while I gather your drinks and put in your calamari…"
Paul quickly leaves the scene to continue his hustle, and Dan continues his cynicism. Van Slade tilts his head and smiles at an irritated David.
Dan Van Slade: "What seems to have my agents’ panties in a twist?"
David glares at his client.
David: "There are multitudes of reasons why many promotions want nothing to do with you. Somehow, and I’m still grasping onto logic with this one, but somehow you’ve managed to be signed by one of the best in the industry. I can’t say I didn’t clog my toilet with a golden brick."
Dan nods and seems impressed. David takes a deep breath and continues.
David: "I’m relieved, and I’m happy for you, but you have to take this seriously. You have to leave this impromptu meeting with an idea, and that idea has to take you to the pinnacle of this game."
David points at his client.
David: "This could be your last chance to really make something of yourself."
Dan takes a deep breath and adjusts his back against the soft booth seat. David continues his rant.
David: "We’ve worked hard to get you here, but that dedication doesn’t stop. I have more faith in you than anyone, and I know for a fact that you’ll find a way to weasel your way into the Wrestling Championship Federation’s hallowed halls. You’re great, but you’ll always be your greatest weakness."
Dan cracks his knuckles and leans forward.
Dan Van Slade: "I don’t know this weak you speak of. That was a pretty unique way to break this news to me. I’m glad that you have to go into a lecture with advice and faith so that I’m made aware that I’ll be taking my gift to WCF. I can’t say that I’m not surprised. I mean – it did take just over a year for them to make a decision, but that seems to be the pace at which WCF makes their moves. Fourteen years is nothing for something moving at a snail’s pace. So – I suppose I’m just gonna have to walk right in and crank it up a notch. Thank you, sir David! This can now be Facebook official, right?"
David smiles, and happily nods. Dan begins to retrieve his cell phone but the men are interrupted by a returning Waiter Paul. The waiter places a bottle of Great Lakes Lake Erie Monster and a frosted pint glass in front of Dan; and the water with lemon is placed in front of David. Dan stares down at the frosted pint glass. Van Slade wiggles his chin and appears to be sobbing. He looks at his agent and places his hands against his chest.
Dan Van Slade: "He’s a man after my own heart, Dave! A frosted pint!"
Waiter Paul seems pleased with the response albeit still uncomfortable from the comment about his red hair made minutes ago.
Waiter Paul: "Have we made a decision, guys? The calamari will only take a few more minutes, so what are we going for after that?"
The waiter looks at David.
David: "New York strip; mashed potatoes and gravy."
Waiter Paul looks at Dan, but the superstar seems to be coming to a late decision. Dan looks at Paul.
Dan Van Slade: "Parmesan crusted chicken, and I’ll take some of that rice pilaf with it."
The men are happy to hand their menus to Waiter Paul as he turns to leave. David looks at Dan.
David: "You were brought up with Sin Rostro, Jr. and Bryan Lin. WCF has a vast farm system and it’s over-flowing with young talent."
Dan laughs to himself and rolls his eyes.
Dan Van Slade: "An asshole, a Mexican and a nerd. It sounds like the start to a filthy joke if you ask me."
David ignores his client’s comments and continues.
David: "Be serious, Dan. You’ve got a lot riding on you. This place is no picnic. There are a lot of roughshod warriors in WCF. This is the big leagues, and not many are cut out to hang with these brutes. I’ve been around, but I’ve never seen anything like this. You’ve got your work cut out for you."
Dan chuckles and leans back in the booth. He shrugs his shoulders.
Dan Van Slade: "I know what’s at stake. I don’t need to be serious to recognize the risk I’m clearly willing to take. I understand, man. This is what I do. I talk a lot of shit, and then I battle it out. I’m ready to kick a lot of ass, and take a lot of beatings. I will never stop conditioning myself to be numb against the oncoming war. If I want to be myself then I have to anticipate every consequence. It’s not rocket science."
David nods and seems pleased with Dan’s response.
David: "Then I’ve done my job."
Dan smiles and agrees with a nod.
Dan Van Slade: "Absolutely, and well – I might add. I’m with WCF, so I’d say you’ve done a bang up job."
David smiles, and acts as if he’s blushing while patting himself on the back. Dan becomes distracted with some of the movement throughout the restaurant as he people gazes. Van Slade turns to David.
Dan Van Slade: "You wouldn’t believe what I heard on the radio today."
David leans forward with intrigue.
David: "What?"
Dan Van Slade: "It’s common for people to have a fistula of the bladder and anus."
A man coughs loudly in the booth behind Dan, and he apparently hears the conversation. David leans back in the booth and blankly stares at Dan. Many people in the section overhear Dan’s comment and they pause to stare and listen.
David: "A…what?"
Dan Van Slade: "A fistula of the bladder and anus."
Dan smiles and begins to explain. He pays no attention to the people around him.
Dan Van Slade: "Check this – so there’s a connection sometimes made between the intestine and bladder. This is caused by a rupture in the intestine for which it would connect with the bladder. Do you know what that means?"
David slowly shakes his head. His eyes are wide. He can’t believe what Dan is telling him. Dan smiles and snaps his fingers.
Dan Van Slade: "Your urine smells like a fart!"
A woman is heard saying ’Oh my God’ in the distance, and a man in an adjacent booth quickly exits his table and points at a waitress. Dan grins and continues.
Dan Van Slade: "Dude – this is wild! So, not only would you fart out of there, but eventually the connection grows and you start passing stool. It’s…intense…"
A man approaches their table. David and Dan turn to him. The man is wearing a red button-up shirt and the sleeves are rolled evenly to the elbows. He has a well-groomed mustache. His brown hair is speckled with grays, freshly cut, and combed back. His shirt is tucked into ironed black slacks. He presses his hands together.
Man: "Gentlemen, how are we doing tonight?"
Dan is the first to answer.
Dan Van Slade: "If you’re looking for honesty then you’ve come to the wrong booth, Cap’n."
The man glares at Dan and then turns to David.
Man: "My name is Dean, and I’m the Manager on Duty. We’ve had a few complaints about crude behavior. I took everything into consideration, but it’s getting a bit out of hand."
The manager turns to Dan.
Dean, the Manager: "Everybody deserves a chance to relax, and eat. However, I only tolerate so much before it’s time to demand that you leave. Paul has printed your checks and he’ll deliver them with your food that we’re preparing for takeout. If you can kindly leave then it’d be appreciated."
Dan turns to David and smiles. David slowly shakes his head and glares at Dan. Van Slade turns to the manager.
Dan Van Slade: "Was it because I farted by a little boy?"
The manager takes a deep breath.
Dean, the Manager: "I’m going to take this no further. Thank you for your time, but please exit the premises."
The manager walks away. David continues to stare and is slowly becoming red. Dan shrugs his shoulders and gathers his belongings. He grabs the bottle of Great Lakes beer and immediately chugs it. David watches as Dan impressively downs the brew and then slams the bottle on the table. Van Slade wipes beer from his lips and exhales. He smiles at David.
Dan Van Slade: "I just realized that I forgot my wallet. Could you pick this one up for me? Don’t tip. Let me sign the merchant copy. Ole’ Red won’t realize that the real gratuity is an autograph from the coolest mother fucker on God’s green Earth."
Dan points at himself using both his thumbs.
Dan Van Slade: "That’d be me. 'Devious' Dan Van Slade."
Dan grins and winks at his angered agent as Waiter Paul approaches the booth carrying the check tucked within a leather bound black book. The restaurant slowly returns to normality as the server begins the process of eliminating Dan and David from the environment.