Post by Odin Balfore on Dec 28, 2011 15:28:51 GMT -5
“ Odin’s Chinese Christmas “
RP2
WCF- ONE
Main Event
World Title Match
Odin
vs.
Corey Black
_____________________________
Scene One - The Note.
2AM, December 26th. The Conrad Estate.
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
* Comes a thunderous knock at the front door of Conrad’s lavish estate. It sounds like someone was using their fist by the way it sounded which is enough to annoy Conrad from his 48 hour “ Ronald Regan movie marathon. “ At first Conrad ignores it as he kicks his feet up and tosses some pop corn up in the air to try an catch it but the second knock throws off his timing and the pieces fall to the ground. The third knock succeeds in getting Conrad off the couch and march to the front door. Cursing under his breath he swings to the door open to see nothing there but a note attached to the door by means of a very ornate broad sword. With a groan and a palm to the face he yells with a muffled tone out from the side of his hand. *
Conrad: Odin! Odin! Get your ass down here.
* Odin comes stumbling down the stairs in fannel PJ’s with Gill on his shoulder like a sleepy child. Leaning over the banister of the stair case, he responds to Conrad. *
Odin: What!?
Conrad: Next time you get death threats, tell them not to come at two AM.
Odin: What makes you think its for me; you’re hated too.
Conrad: I am but when people want to take my life they do it with sniper riffles or the stock market crash, or the death of Kim Jong Il. And, only your enemies would be dumb enough to but a damn broad sword through my front door . *
Odin: Broad sword?
* Striking Odin familiarly odd, he comes down the stairs and towards the front door. *
Odin: Are there any marking on the sword?
Conrad: Well there’s a hole in my door.
Odin: What’s the paper say?
Conrad: I have a policy of not reading other peoples death threats.
* Conrad however rips the note off the door an hands it to Odin who starts to read it. *
{ Odin,
Reginar has been captured . Assistance needed. Please come at ASAP.
zur Oberseite des Dachs, in die Halle. Stürzen Sie weg, Schlag weg, stürzen Sie weg alle
(OOC TRANSLATION: to the top of the roof, into the hall. Dash away, dash away, dash away all )
JORG. }
* Odin crumples the paper and tosses’ it to the ground with a look of distain. *
Odin: Conrad, hand me that broad sword.
* Conrad tries to pull it out of the door but can’t get it to budge. *
Conrad: Can’t. It’s in there tighter then me in a Japanese hooker.
Odin: Gross, Conrad.
* Odin walks over to the door and braces the door with his left hand as he pulls with the right, after a few tugs the sword comes free. He looks the sword over and notices an engraved symbol on the hilt of the sword. it’s a bear paw in the fore front of a fire. Odin rotates the swords around and sticks it in the frozen ground. *
Conrad: What, what’s wrong? What did the note say? Did Jergins discontinue your sponsorship? Did old spice decide to go with Fabio as its spokesmen?
Odin: My great uncles been captured.
Conrad: Hostage situation? I don’t deal with terrorist demands.
Odin: I don’t either but you don’t get it.
Conrad: I do, I’ve done it before. If they don’t get the money we get fingers and toes.
Odin: I don’t think they want money.
Conrad: Whose they? Is it the Columbians? Noriega?
Gill: .. .. … .
Conrad: Yes Gill the real Noriega.
Gill: .. .. ..
Conrad: He owes you too ?
Odin: I don’t know who took him, but we gotta go see Jorg.
Conrad: How come all your friends have these fucked up names?! JORG, Santiago, Gunnar, Woody Allen, Tom Cruise. Do you know how many friends I have, one! Ronald Regan, an Americans american!
Odin: Well that don’t matter because we gotta leave right now.
Conrad: Where we goin?
Odin: Dress warm. We going some place cold.
Conrad: like Nancy Pelosi’s pussy, cold?
Odin: Hillary Clinton, pussy cold.
Conrad: Damn son, let me get my baby seal fur coat.
* The scene fades momentarily only to come back to see the guys in Conrad’s living room sweating heavily from the heat of the room. Odin stands across from Conrad with the sword in hand as he holds it vertical. *
Conrad: Now what, do you got a flight of here or something?
Odin: Somethin like that. Now touch my sword.
Conrad: what? Go fuck yourself, Seth Lerch.
Odin: Touch my sword.
* Conrad reluctantly grips the hilt of the sword, just above Odin’s hand. *
Odin: zur Oberseite des Dachs, in die Halle. Stürzen Sie weg, Schlag weg, stürzen Sie weg alle !
* With a whirl of fire circling around them, it engulfs them nearly as quick as it appeared. In an instance they were gone; Odin, Conrad and Gill. Then the scene goes black, fading on the empty living room. *
___________________________________
Scene Two - The Problem.
* The sick sounds of Conrad puking his guts out over takes everything else as they appear out of the same tornado that engulfed them before. Conrad continues puking as he gets some on his baby seal coat. He takes his head out of knees and tries to walk t off. *
Conrad: Son of a bitch! Ugh, damn it! I just puked all over my coat, they had to kill an entire family to make this for me.
* starting to get his bearings, Conrad looks around to see they’re standing in a large snow covered field, a few yards from a large, very old stone building that looks like its been there for ages.*
Conrad: Where the fuck are we?
Odin: Oodaaq, Island.
Conrad: Am I dead?
Odin: No.
Conrad: Then what’s up with the sky?
* Looking up, he notices that’s there’s twinkling in the sky but they don’t look like stars, but perhaps stars that are slipping into a black hole because the glimmering lights twist and curve inward like spirals. *
Conrad: Fuckin weird. Where the fuck are we again?
Odin: Oodaaq, Island used to be part of Greenland.
Conrad: Used to be? Did they break off?
Odin: Sunk.
* Says Odin with the most casual of tones. *
Conrad: Like defeated in some great war?
Odin: More like Atlantis.
Conrad: Are you kidding me? We’re underwater? How the fuck are we underwater?
Odin: Hoor.
Conrad: Whores did this to us? See, this is what happens when I trust you.
* Conrad starts checking his sides for any scars and notices one on his side. *
Conrad: Where’s my kidney?
Odin: that’s your appendix. Listen. Hoor is the god of winter. My uncle was an outlaw and pled his alligence to Hoor who inturn sunk this island to hide my uncle from those who hunted him until he disappeared into legend. See that moutian behind us, that was once above sea level in an area about the size of your master bedroom. Now its all back underwater for my uncles protection.
Conrad: Whose your uncle?
* Odin bites his lip with hesitation. *
Conrad: Well?
Odin: Reginar Clause.
Conrad: Clause.. Why does that sound so familiar?
Odin: Santa.. …
* Conrad’s eyes widen as his jaw drops for a moment and points behind him towards the building. *
Conrad: so that’s..
Odin: Santa’s workshop.
Conrad: You never cease to amaze me.
* Odin just nods as he walks past Conrad and towards the work shop. Once at the door he just opens the door and walks in to see giants tinkering away. Clearly the outside appearance of the building is highly deceiving as ten foot tall giants, are manning various tables, thinking at small toys and high end electronics. Conrad walks in like a kid in a candy store, he’s in complete disbelief. *
Conrad: This is amazing, have you ever been here before?
Odin: No, My dad an great uncle don’t get along. You know how my dad is.
* One of the giants stands up from the back of the room with a clip board in hand as he approaches Odin, Gill and conrad. *
Odin: Jorg?
* the giant nods. *
Jorg: Odin.. ..
Conrad: Why doesn’t it suprize me that the giant speaks English.
Jorg: If I spoke in Jotun-iem, you’re head would explode and you’d piss yourself. But looks like Hoor did that for me already.
Conrad: oh, a tough guy. I know I’m a bit rusty but I will decapitate you with a clothesline from hell
* Conrad bashes his forearm into his hand, signaling the clothsline but Jorg just chuckles.*
Jorg: Minion oh Hel? Do you know what we do to minions of Hel?
Conrad: Do you know what I do to pussy ass giants? Magic Johnson.. You’re welcome.
Jorg: AHA, I like your spirit. But still.. I will crush you.
* Odin interjects before things get out of hand, Conrad’s pride an stupidity rival Odin’s at times an now is one of those times. *
Odin: Excuse him, he’s a big fan of my uncle.
* Jorg sniffs the air. *
Jorg: American; you reveire Reginar like a god- there’s hope for you yet. Come, walk.
* they follow Jorg ,walking through the work shop as Jorg explains the situation. *
Jorg: A few hours ago we had gotten word that Reginar had disappeared over-
Conrad: let me guess, Pakistan?
Jorg: No. Worse. Turns out he was taken out and captured by the Chinese in response to America’s dept situation. See, China knows that its nearly impossible for America to re pay its dept to China and believe it or not some little nine year old Asian calculated that it would take about fifty three years to pay back all of its dept with out Santa Clause for them to worship.
Conrad: That’s terrorism! hasn’t china learned after nine eleven.
Jorg: China wasn’t responsible for nine eleven.
Conrad: Says you. What happened after nine eleven; commerce exploded. Our way of life wont be hinderd.
Jorg: and how are those dungaree’s treating you?
* Who still wears dungaree’s? *
* Conrad hangs his head, ashamed and defeated. *
Conrad: They ripped.
Jorg: That’s what happens when you buy Korean and not Jotun.
Odin: Damn cheap Korean labor. Screwed me more then once.
Jorg: Exactly, with out Reginar, America would be forced to do the one thing it absolutely can not do.
Conrad: Dear god.
* Conrad quickly realizes the magnitude of the situation. *
Odin: What, that’s good right? I mean, a dept free america would be amazing.
* Conrad grabs and shakes Odin by the jacket *
Conrad: Don’t you get it!? With out dept, Americans won’t become desprate. So depreate that they’ll allow just any means and measure to take over the country. No child left behind, the patriot act, Donald trump. All things to help strengthen the NWO resolve. With out dept there is no New World Order that will crush the human population.
* Odin pushes Conrad away. *
Odin: Well I’m getting my uncle back because he’s family, NWO or not. I’m the outsider of WCF, remember?
Conrad: Think of it like this then, WCF owes you a lot right?
Odin: More then they can possibly pay back.
Conrad: Right, but flip the situation. Imagine of they actually took the WCF title from you and jobbed you out till they completely buried you.
Odin: Fuck that shit.
Conrad: Well that’s what Corey Black is trying to do, and Torture, he’s like Russia. Once a friend, once an enemy. Wants to do what he wants, excepts shit to go his way. that’s why you guys don’t get along. Corey is china, wants what he feels is his. This case, its money. In his it’s the WCF world title. Now weather he likes it or not, that’s your title much like that money is America’s money. Now as long as China is owed and we still control the wealth of the world, the WCF world title.. You’re on top. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You may “ owe” Corey Black because he gave you your shot but fuck him you’re the baddest motha fucka in WCF history. Like America is the baddest motha fucka in the history of civilization. If china gets paid, America doesn’t get to rule the world and WCF Corey black gets the Title, you don’t get to rule over WCF, got it!? With out you, WCF Won’t be so desperate for talent to take the belt off of you. Once they get complacent, happy. It’s all over.
*it takes a moment for that to sink into Odin’s head and probably your own but after a moment Odin smiles. *
Odin: NWO for life. Odin Balfore for life and that is just too sweet!!
* Ahh, I see what you did there. *
China wants its money, Corey wants the WCF title, too fucking bad. Its all checks and balances an Odin Balfore keeps WCF in check by keeping it oppressed and struggling for a solution before I take full control an since I took World Champion of the year- that’ll be damn hard, even for Corey Broken. He gonna talk about what’s right, what’s fair, what’s owed, what’s borrowed? You see this face, this is my not giving a fuck, face. I know that he an I aren’t so different much like China an America but at the same time- we’re worlds apart. He’s been here forever, I just came on the scene. He’s made shit up to get ahead, China did that too.
* True story. *
The guys in the back, think they have options, think they have choices but its all about Odin Balfore. I got the strap, I got the pull. He wants what he “ created”, what he gave power too, he wants the symbol, he wants the wealth, well Odin Balfore doesn’t doesn’t just lie down and do the job. Black knows this ispersonal an I know that Torture’s gonna try and screw me out of a win but I will rip the hand off his body like the cartilage from a chicken bone and count the three myself if I have too. WCF is like a spoiled child an I have their favorite toy. Do you know what you do with a spoiled child; you let them think they won. You give them small victories like hope and we all know what I do with hope. If Tortures gonna get in my way, I’ll nuke him like we should have done to Russia back in the eighties. Jobber Kill that motha fucker right back out of WCF permanently. They pussy ass little bitches are gonna pay what they owe, freedom at the expense of Odin Balfore. Now its time I go collect the payment.
Conrad: Now you’re talking, hot damn!
Jorg: So does that mean you’re on board ?
* Odin nods as he looks around, like he forgot something. *
Odin: hey um.. Where’s Gill?
Jorg: the raccoon; I think I saw him go into the stables.
Conrad: With the reindeer?
* Jorg Scoffs *
Jorg: reindeer? Ha! Pussy little things if you ask me. Hoor, how I hate those scrawny little things. Reginar only uses those things for show, publicity. Ever since the damn U.N. got involved, they banned him from using polar bears. Hundreds of years but suddenly he couldn’t use polar bears. How the Hel is a Norn suppose to travel the globe with reindeer- what? Fly? Real men don’t fly. Humming birds fly, not true Norn warriors like Reginar.
Conrad: So he doesn’t use reindeer?
Jorg: Fuck no, Reginar rides polar bears. Come, I’ll show you.
* they loop back around the work shop and head towards the door. They leave the work shop and head for the stables, just behind the workshop. Jorg swings open the stable doors. What they see is a blood bath, a massacre. Theres Gill sleeping ontop of a slumbering polar bear that’s laying in front of a pile of dead animals.
Conrad: Dear lord, it smells like a satyr at Vincent prices house.
* Jorg sniffs the air and smiles in delight. *
Jorg: Seems that’s Wermund took care of that reindeer problem.
Odin: Whats that red glow coming from his stomach?
Conrad: a marketing ploy, and a damn good one at that. Great, now I have nothing too look forward too at the thanksgiving parade.
Jorg: Seems your friend here opend the pens-I owe him many thanks. Now we can shed ourself of that reindeer nonsense and Reginar can get back to his roots.
Conrad: Roots?
Jorg: Aye, roots. That’s Wermond sleeping on the ground there, just ate like a king; lucky bastard. it’s a feast that I envy. Anund is with Reginar, santa. You see, to try and keep the harmony of the world Santa uses two polar bears, switching off every year. Wermond, protector of man and Anund, the triumph of the ancestor. By alternating the two, he keeps balance in the world. I feel that the only way you can reach Santa is by using Wermond but only Santa can tame him. It’s by his will is he able to unlock Anund and Wermunds ability to travel through time, thanks to the blessing or Hoor.
Conrad: Well that sucks, getting a flight into China will be near impossible an I don’t trust that raccoon to fly my privet jet.
Odin: You mean fly, like that pussy ass humming bird? I’m the WCF world champion, time shall bend to my will much like it bends to my uncles.
* Odin struts over to the bear and climbs on its back, heeling it in the sides, jolting it awake. With a pissed off roar it gets up and stands on its hind legs*
Odin: um, now which one did you eat? On Dasher, dancer, vixen, Rudolph…
Jorg: You’re wasting your time, only Reginar can get them to bend time.
Odin: We’ll improvise.
* Odin wraps his arm around the bears neck to gain balance as he checks his pockets and pulls out two bottles of five hour energy, much to the face palm of a moment that Conrad had. Odin unscrews the caps with his teeth and effectively punches the bear in the face , popping the bottles in his mouth and forces him to ingest the energy shot. *
Odin: That’s right bear! I’m a bad motha fucka! Now you best be getting your ass to time travelin’ for the fate of America and WCF depend on it! Lets go Conrad, this shit works fast.
* With the polar bear still dazed Conrad rushes over and climbs on its back as the scene fades to black. *
___________________________
Scene Three- The rescue
Fifteen minutes later. Beijing, China , Chinese air force base.
* Pulsing rush of air that is Wermund and his passengers rushing through time with the brute force of Norns comes to a sudden stop *
Conrad: Why’d we stop?
Odin: Maybe the shot wore off.
??: Bout time you guys got here.
* Odin an Conrad turn around to see a large man, slightly bigger then Odin, with a large white bear and red pants standing before them *
Conrad: Santa?
Santa: yes, Conrad.
* Conrad lunges at Santa, tackling him to the ground and starts choking him. *
Conrad: Barack Obama nearly killed this country! Rose up seven trillion dollars in dept! Corey Black wants to collect what he feels is his when we all know damn well that its rightfully Odin’s! He and Torture are trying to take down Balfore to restore their brand of order when its their way that got them in the toilet! Its Odin’s Dominance, his strength, his power- the power of one man alone just like the dominance of one country, America to shape, literally shape the world around it. The world hates America because it wishes to be America, like everyone in WCF wants to be Odin Balfore. CD, Torture, Reb, D-Day, Grave Digger, Seth Lerch, Bundy, Henry- all of them, ALL OF THEM! They wish to be him but that simply can’t be him and for that they’re all jealous So you give WCF The Barack Obama of WCF The single Worst thing to ever happen in the history of all Cosby, bull shit nonsense and you put him again against the Ronald Reagan of WCF. Do you know what would happen if Reagan debated Obama?
Odin: Jobber Kill.
Conrad: Exactly fat man!, fucking exactly and we, The Alliance already Jobber killed CD’s ass back in September. Now a few months later he wants to go and give it he old “ college try?” Under CD’s rule, everyone felt entitled, they wanted things handed to them. Title shots, matches, unions were formed and it was not until Odin Balfore as World champion stepped in and crushed that uprising. It was The Alliance created the civil war in attempts to change WCF’s out look. WCF has become a welfare state under CD, it was North Korea under Seth Lerch an its Odin Balfore that wants to restore America back to its former glory yet you’re teasing China, Corey Black with the repayment of money? The handing back of the WCF world title. This is America, this is The alliance. We don’t deal with terrorist, we silence them. We oppress the people just enough to make them stand up on their own ad want to fight for themselves because you should not give up freedom and liberty for security- that’s what the old guard of WCF wants. They want the contracts, CD wants the contracts, he wants the title, the recognition to say that he squeezed the evils out of America, out of Odin Balfore when in reality its just the petty squabble of a jealous man who couldn’t get the job done!
* Conrad finishes his rant as Santa shoves him off, stands up and towers over him. *
Santa: My name is Reginar Clause. I bring joy to all that I encounter. Much like Odin’s title brings him joy but I also bring heart ache and Jealousy to those with out me. Iran, Iraq, Israel, Palatine, Pakistan, these Chinese rice eaters. I stopped in to order me some sweet and sour chicken and look where the fuck I end up?! In some Pussy ass pissing contest. Americans have become complacent over the years, that much is true. just like those in WCF. You are right about that. They are, however ill informed and blinded to see what’s best for them. With out dept , they can’t enjoy their luxuries while the Chinese go with out even the simplest of Luxuries. that’s what CD is Trying to do. Build you as the political monster that you ARE NOT just to gain a foot hold in his own righteous cause. Weather Corey would want to admit or not, he is one of them. One of the old guard in WCF that just refuses to die. Like China, Russia, Iran, North Korea and Joan Rivers, that heartless plastic faced bitch!
So, That’s why I’ve asked for my nephews help- the descendent of Democracy and the true American spirit where if you wanted too, had the means too and the courage too- anyone could stand up and bask in my glories. That’s why I am reviled as a god in America, that’s why people spend billions of dollars every year to have what I don’t bring them but there is no replacing that feeling of what Santa Clause brings you on Christmas eve- just like there is no replacing what the WCF title can bring you in your heart but those in WCF take that for granted, much like they’ve taken Santa for granted but it’s Odin whose is slowly reminding them, like it or not, that Free Market rules the world and everyone has the right to stand up and make their way and there are no free rides- even for China. Even for Corey Black. In the world where Contracts and guarantees seem to come with more prestigious vigor then hard work and sacrifice, things that Odin Balfore know above all others- it is he who reminds the WCF that they no longer know the meaning of hard work. My nephew is as you put it the “ baddest motha fucka “ in WCF because no one in the free world of WCF has been able to stand up to him and prove other wise. Even now, they can’t do that.
Corey has cried that power was thrust upon him, dumped in his lap much like China has complained that Americas dept was trust in their lap. Corey has brought nothing of significence to this match except for stale rhetoric and horse hair claims. China wants their own piece of the world like he wants a piece of WCF. China sites its population, Corey will site his tenure. Either way, there is no entitlement in the Free World and that’s just want Odin wants to do, create the free world.
Odin: Actually.. Conrad had me convinced on the NWO thing. That I should rule with an iron fist an instill fear in WCF.
Santa: And shouldn’t you? You’re a descendant of a great Norn traditions where the strongest survive and rule over the weak. That’s the way the worlds always been. You may call it what you want now but its had many names over the years. it’s the free market that it brings forth and the will of men to up rise and do great things that empowers it. They used to call that many things but let me tell you that now they’ll be calling it: Odin Balfore. You’ve proven that time and time again and the world recognizes that. Even Russia, Torture recognizes that and that man don’t acknowledge a damn thing- that no selling piece of shit. He’s worse then Germany, those bunch of boodles.
Odin, you control the fate of the welfare state known as WCF- you have the opportunity to face tyranny eye to eye in the biggest super battle that WCF and the world has ever seen and you have all the tools needed to succeed because already have succeeded. You just remember, haters gonna hate but don’t hate the player. Don’t hate Odin Balfore, America for giving the chips to buy in and play the game but the game itself when you don‘t know how to play the game in the first place. The China’s of the world, Corey Black- the Russia’s of the world, Torture. The Germanys of the world, Boodles. The North Koreas, Lerch. Lets not forget the unorganized middle east, Grave diggers.
I believe at one time they were called the Axis of Evil. Right now you have an uneasy relationship with China but its your world Odin, Corey just lives in it. I know that Russia, torture feels compelled to referee the fight because ages ago it did something of mild importance but jut like Russia, when you stare torture down he whimpers like a little bitch. It was that fall out that put all this in our current situation. It’s at ONE though where it shall be rectified. You can’t get around the fact that CD put the title on you much like china bank rolls America but it still is America’s money and that still is your title.
Simply put. If China wants it, Corey will have to come take it and with all his might, that’s something he’s simply not prepared for. With all that national pride in what they used to be, they’ll always be viewed as second place because its you Odin Balfore with true American spirit that will continue to uphold the free doms of the world an evolve the game into something it’s never seen before. Thy Will be done Odin Balfore and your will is law, remember that.
So I have spoken, so it shall come to pass!
* Odin smiles and gives his uncle a hug *
Odin: Thanks.
Santa: You’re welcome. Now get your ass back home and whoop Corey Black. Not just for me but for America!
Odin: Oh, I will.
Santa: Come, Gather around, I’ll get you boys home.
* They gather in a circle as Santa says those magical words to get them home. *
Santa: zur Oberseite des Dachs, in die Halle. Stürzen Sie weg, Schlag weg, stürzen Sie weg alle
* In a swirling tornado of fire, they men disappear as the scene fades. *
______________________________
Scene Four- Season of giving.
Conrads Estate.
* The men appear back in Conrad’s estate, still shaken from this time travel thing, Conrad puking his guts out once again. *
Santa: What the hell man, You’re gonna get it over my baby seal skin pants. I had to go out and club two families to make this.
Conrad: sorry, sorry.. * yak* its not everyday I time travel with Santa in a tornado of magical fire.
Santa: Well if you get any on my shoes I’ll do Tom Brady like I did to manning- by the way, you’re welcome. Merry Fucking Christmas. Now if you boys are al fucking set, grabing each others cocks- I got a few more stops to make.
Odin: But the polar bears are back in China.
Santa: Son of a bitch! I’ll just have to call one of my contacts them.
* Santa reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone, speed dialing one of his contacts. *
Santa: .. .. .. Jules… Jules, Is Santa. Listen man, I need you to do me a solid. I need you to scoop me from these bunch of pasty honkies. What do you mean you’re a wonder now? Just walking the earth; this ain’t Kung Fu motha fucka! They got a name for that Jules, its called a bum! .. .. .. I would call but I ain’t got any friends up in the eight-one-eight. .. … Jimmy? Man Jimmies on his last night of Chanukah, Jimmie ain’t helping me with shit!… What about Dewolfe? .. Retired.. Shit.. How the fuck an I suppose get my shit done? .. .. .. Magic, Santa clause ain’t no fuckin magic. My name ain’t Cris motha fuckin angel. This shit is real. I’m a mushroom cloud lain motha fucka, motha fucka! .. .. What guy? Better then the Dewolfe? Jules, there ain’t no motha fucka better then Dewolfe… shit, why didn’t you say. .. Fuck ya I’mma call that Coon up right now…ight… Dueces bitch!
* Santa hangs up the phone and redials another number but this a cell phone in the house rings. “ Every day I’m hustling’ “ by Rick Ross can be heard lofting down the stairs. *
Odin: Gill is that your phone?
Gill: … .. ..
Santa: G.S motha fuckin Sanchez? Is that you? Shit, all you raccoon look alike. Why didn’t you tell me Odin that I was in the presence of the master.
Conrad: Master? He’s a fucking Raccoon, he has no thumbs. You see Odin, This is why everyone hates you. Its because you pull stupid shit like this. Ain’t no one going to believe this. All this-- years of therapy to forget.
Santa: Conrad, Conrad.. Haters gonna Hate. Now lets go Mr. Sanchez, we got gifts to deliver..
* Gill hops from Odin’s shoulder over to Santa as they go to walk out the door. Before they leave though, Santa turns to Odin to say one last thing. *
Santa: Oh an Odin, before I forget. Tell your dad, next time the son of a bitch beside to send me a fruit cake I’ll give him polio, just like I did the last guy, FD. something.. I hate fruit cake. In fact, that’s my new policy. Anyone who gives me fruit cake, I’m giving polio.. Got it.
Odin: Yeah, I got it.
Santa: Good.
* Santa with gill on his shoulder takes his leave from the house and disappears back to his workshop as Odin rushes to the fridge and feverishly rummages through it to find that holiday fruit cake it dad gave him. Pulling it out of the fridge and struggles to find a sharpie in one of the sliding counter top draws. After a few moments he finds one and starts writing on it in large, bold print. *
Conrad: Odin, what the hell are you doing?
Odin: Giving the gift that keeps on giving.
Conrad: Who are you sending it too?
Odin: They’ll see… they’ll see..
* Odin laughs a crazy hysterical laugh as the camera focuses and zooms in on the fruit cake that reads:
{ To Santa
From: Russia, North Korea, The Middle East, Germany and China. }
~ FINN
RP2
WCF- ONE
Main Event
World Title Match
Odin
vs.
Corey Black
_____________________________
Scene One - The Note.
2AM, December 26th. The Conrad Estate.
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
* Comes a thunderous knock at the front door of Conrad’s lavish estate. It sounds like someone was using their fist by the way it sounded which is enough to annoy Conrad from his 48 hour “ Ronald Regan movie marathon. “ At first Conrad ignores it as he kicks his feet up and tosses some pop corn up in the air to try an catch it but the second knock throws off his timing and the pieces fall to the ground. The third knock succeeds in getting Conrad off the couch and march to the front door. Cursing under his breath he swings to the door open to see nothing there but a note attached to the door by means of a very ornate broad sword. With a groan and a palm to the face he yells with a muffled tone out from the side of his hand. *
Conrad: Odin! Odin! Get your ass down here.
* Odin comes stumbling down the stairs in fannel PJ’s with Gill on his shoulder like a sleepy child. Leaning over the banister of the stair case, he responds to Conrad. *
Odin: What!?
Conrad: Next time you get death threats, tell them not to come at two AM.
Odin: What makes you think its for me; you’re hated too.
Conrad: I am but when people want to take my life they do it with sniper riffles or the stock market crash, or the death of Kim Jong Il. And, only your enemies would be dumb enough to but a damn broad sword through my front door . *
Odin: Broad sword?
* Striking Odin familiarly odd, he comes down the stairs and towards the front door. *
Odin: Are there any marking on the sword?
Conrad: Well there’s a hole in my door.
Odin: What’s the paper say?
Conrad: I have a policy of not reading other peoples death threats.
* Conrad however rips the note off the door an hands it to Odin who starts to read it. *
{ Odin,
Reginar has been captured . Assistance needed. Please come at ASAP.
zur Oberseite des Dachs, in die Halle. Stürzen Sie weg, Schlag weg, stürzen Sie weg alle
(OOC TRANSLATION: to the top of the roof, into the hall. Dash away, dash away, dash away all )
JORG. }
* Odin crumples the paper and tosses’ it to the ground with a look of distain. *
Odin: Conrad, hand me that broad sword.
* Conrad tries to pull it out of the door but can’t get it to budge. *
Conrad: Can’t. It’s in there tighter then me in a Japanese hooker.
Odin: Gross, Conrad.
* Odin walks over to the door and braces the door with his left hand as he pulls with the right, after a few tugs the sword comes free. He looks the sword over and notices an engraved symbol on the hilt of the sword. it’s a bear paw in the fore front of a fire. Odin rotates the swords around and sticks it in the frozen ground. *
Conrad: What, what’s wrong? What did the note say? Did Jergins discontinue your sponsorship? Did old spice decide to go with Fabio as its spokesmen?
Odin: My great uncles been captured.
Conrad: Hostage situation? I don’t deal with terrorist demands.
Odin: I don’t either but you don’t get it.
Conrad: I do, I’ve done it before. If they don’t get the money we get fingers and toes.
Odin: I don’t think they want money.
Conrad: Whose they? Is it the Columbians? Noriega?
Gill: .. .. … .
Conrad: Yes Gill the real Noriega.
Gill: .. .. ..
Conrad: He owes you too ?
Odin: I don’t know who took him, but we gotta go see Jorg.
Conrad: How come all your friends have these fucked up names?! JORG, Santiago, Gunnar, Woody Allen, Tom Cruise. Do you know how many friends I have, one! Ronald Regan, an Americans american!
Odin: Well that don’t matter because we gotta leave right now.
Conrad: Where we goin?
Odin: Dress warm. We going some place cold.
Conrad: like Nancy Pelosi’s pussy, cold?
Odin: Hillary Clinton, pussy cold.
Conrad: Damn son, let me get my baby seal fur coat.
* The scene fades momentarily only to come back to see the guys in Conrad’s living room sweating heavily from the heat of the room. Odin stands across from Conrad with the sword in hand as he holds it vertical. *
Conrad: Now what, do you got a flight of here or something?
Odin: Somethin like that. Now touch my sword.
Conrad: what? Go fuck yourself, Seth Lerch.
Odin: Touch my sword.
* Conrad reluctantly grips the hilt of the sword, just above Odin’s hand. *
Odin: zur Oberseite des Dachs, in die Halle. Stürzen Sie weg, Schlag weg, stürzen Sie weg alle !
* With a whirl of fire circling around them, it engulfs them nearly as quick as it appeared. In an instance they were gone; Odin, Conrad and Gill. Then the scene goes black, fading on the empty living room. *
___________________________________
Scene Two - The Problem.
* The sick sounds of Conrad puking his guts out over takes everything else as they appear out of the same tornado that engulfed them before. Conrad continues puking as he gets some on his baby seal coat. He takes his head out of knees and tries to walk t off. *
Conrad: Son of a bitch! Ugh, damn it! I just puked all over my coat, they had to kill an entire family to make this for me.
* starting to get his bearings, Conrad looks around to see they’re standing in a large snow covered field, a few yards from a large, very old stone building that looks like its been there for ages.*
Conrad: Where the fuck are we?
Odin: Oodaaq, Island.
Conrad: Am I dead?
Odin: No.
Conrad: Then what’s up with the sky?
* Looking up, he notices that’s there’s twinkling in the sky but they don’t look like stars, but perhaps stars that are slipping into a black hole because the glimmering lights twist and curve inward like spirals. *
Conrad: Fuckin weird. Where the fuck are we again?
Odin: Oodaaq, Island used to be part of Greenland.
Conrad: Used to be? Did they break off?
Odin: Sunk.
* Says Odin with the most casual of tones. *
Conrad: Like defeated in some great war?
Odin: More like Atlantis.
Conrad: Are you kidding me? We’re underwater? How the fuck are we underwater?
Odin: Hoor.
Conrad: Whores did this to us? See, this is what happens when I trust you.
* Conrad starts checking his sides for any scars and notices one on his side. *
Conrad: Where’s my kidney?
Odin: that’s your appendix. Listen. Hoor is the god of winter. My uncle was an outlaw and pled his alligence to Hoor who inturn sunk this island to hide my uncle from those who hunted him until he disappeared into legend. See that moutian behind us, that was once above sea level in an area about the size of your master bedroom. Now its all back underwater for my uncles protection.
Conrad: Whose your uncle?
* Odin bites his lip with hesitation. *
Conrad: Well?
Odin: Reginar Clause.
Conrad: Clause.. Why does that sound so familiar?
Odin: Santa.. …
* Conrad’s eyes widen as his jaw drops for a moment and points behind him towards the building. *
Conrad: so that’s..
Odin: Santa’s workshop.
Conrad: You never cease to amaze me.
* Odin just nods as he walks past Conrad and towards the work shop. Once at the door he just opens the door and walks in to see giants tinkering away. Clearly the outside appearance of the building is highly deceiving as ten foot tall giants, are manning various tables, thinking at small toys and high end electronics. Conrad walks in like a kid in a candy store, he’s in complete disbelief. *
Conrad: This is amazing, have you ever been here before?
Odin: No, My dad an great uncle don’t get along. You know how my dad is.
* One of the giants stands up from the back of the room with a clip board in hand as he approaches Odin, Gill and conrad. *
Odin: Jorg?
* the giant nods. *
Jorg: Odin.. ..
Conrad: Why doesn’t it suprize me that the giant speaks English.
Jorg: If I spoke in Jotun-iem, you’re head would explode and you’d piss yourself. But looks like Hoor did that for me already.
Conrad: oh, a tough guy. I know I’m a bit rusty but I will decapitate you with a clothesline from hell
* Conrad bashes his forearm into his hand, signaling the clothsline but Jorg just chuckles.*
Jorg: Minion oh Hel? Do you know what we do to minions of Hel?
Conrad: Do you know what I do to pussy ass giants? Magic Johnson.. You’re welcome.
Jorg: AHA, I like your spirit. But still.. I will crush you.
* Odin interjects before things get out of hand, Conrad’s pride an stupidity rival Odin’s at times an now is one of those times. *
Odin: Excuse him, he’s a big fan of my uncle.
* Jorg sniffs the air. *
Jorg: American; you reveire Reginar like a god- there’s hope for you yet. Come, walk.
* they follow Jorg ,walking through the work shop as Jorg explains the situation. *
Jorg: A few hours ago we had gotten word that Reginar had disappeared over-
Conrad: let me guess, Pakistan?
Jorg: No. Worse. Turns out he was taken out and captured by the Chinese in response to America’s dept situation. See, China knows that its nearly impossible for America to re pay its dept to China and believe it or not some little nine year old Asian calculated that it would take about fifty three years to pay back all of its dept with out Santa Clause for them to worship.
Conrad: That’s terrorism! hasn’t china learned after nine eleven.
Jorg: China wasn’t responsible for nine eleven.
Conrad: Says you. What happened after nine eleven; commerce exploded. Our way of life wont be hinderd.
Jorg: and how are those dungaree’s treating you?
* Who still wears dungaree’s? *
* Conrad hangs his head, ashamed and defeated. *
Conrad: They ripped.
Jorg: That’s what happens when you buy Korean and not Jotun.
Odin: Damn cheap Korean labor. Screwed me more then once.
Jorg: Exactly, with out Reginar, America would be forced to do the one thing it absolutely can not do.
Conrad: Dear god.
* Conrad quickly realizes the magnitude of the situation. *
Odin: What, that’s good right? I mean, a dept free america would be amazing.
* Conrad grabs and shakes Odin by the jacket *
Conrad: Don’t you get it!? With out dept, Americans won’t become desprate. So depreate that they’ll allow just any means and measure to take over the country. No child left behind, the patriot act, Donald trump. All things to help strengthen the NWO resolve. With out dept there is no New World Order that will crush the human population.
* Odin pushes Conrad away. *
Odin: Well I’m getting my uncle back because he’s family, NWO or not. I’m the outsider of WCF, remember?
Conrad: Think of it like this then, WCF owes you a lot right?
Odin: More then they can possibly pay back.
Conrad: Right, but flip the situation. Imagine of they actually took the WCF title from you and jobbed you out till they completely buried you.
Odin: Fuck that shit.
Conrad: Well that’s what Corey Black is trying to do, and Torture, he’s like Russia. Once a friend, once an enemy. Wants to do what he wants, excepts shit to go his way. that’s why you guys don’t get along. Corey is china, wants what he feels is his. This case, its money. In his it’s the WCF world title. Now weather he likes it or not, that’s your title much like that money is America’s money. Now as long as China is owed and we still control the wealth of the world, the WCF world title.. You’re on top. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You may “ owe” Corey Black because he gave you your shot but fuck him you’re the baddest motha fucka in WCF history. Like America is the baddest motha fucka in the history of civilization. If china gets paid, America doesn’t get to rule the world and WCF Corey black gets the Title, you don’t get to rule over WCF, got it!? With out you, WCF Won’t be so desperate for talent to take the belt off of you. Once they get complacent, happy. It’s all over.
*it takes a moment for that to sink into Odin’s head and probably your own but after a moment Odin smiles. *
Odin: NWO for life. Odin Balfore for life and that is just too sweet!!
* Ahh, I see what you did there. *
China wants its money, Corey wants the WCF title, too fucking bad. Its all checks and balances an Odin Balfore keeps WCF in check by keeping it oppressed and struggling for a solution before I take full control an since I took World Champion of the year- that’ll be damn hard, even for Corey Broken. He gonna talk about what’s right, what’s fair, what’s owed, what’s borrowed? You see this face, this is my not giving a fuck, face. I know that he an I aren’t so different much like China an America but at the same time- we’re worlds apart. He’s been here forever, I just came on the scene. He’s made shit up to get ahead, China did that too.
* True story. *
The guys in the back, think they have options, think they have choices but its all about Odin Balfore. I got the strap, I got the pull. He wants what he “ created”, what he gave power too, he wants the symbol, he wants the wealth, well Odin Balfore doesn’t doesn’t just lie down and do the job. Black knows this ispersonal an I know that Torture’s gonna try and screw me out of a win but I will rip the hand off his body like the cartilage from a chicken bone and count the three myself if I have too. WCF is like a spoiled child an I have their favorite toy. Do you know what you do with a spoiled child; you let them think they won. You give them small victories like hope and we all know what I do with hope. If Tortures gonna get in my way, I’ll nuke him like we should have done to Russia back in the eighties. Jobber Kill that motha fucker right back out of WCF permanently. They pussy ass little bitches are gonna pay what they owe, freedom at the expense of Odin Balfore. Now its time I go collect the payment.
Conrad: Now you’re talking, hot damn!
Jorg: So does that mean you’re on board ?
* Odin nods as he looks around, like he forgot something. *
Odin: hey um.. Where’s Gill?
Jorg: the raccoon; I think I saw him go into the stables.
Conrad: With the reindeer?
* Jorg Scoffs *
Jorg: reindeer? Ha! Pussy little things if you ask me. Hoor, how I hate those scrawny little things. Reginar only uses those things for show, publicity. Ever since the damn U.N. got involved, they banned him from using polar bears. Hundreds of years but suddenly he couldn’t use polar bears. How the Hel is a Norn suppose to travel the globe with reindeer- what? Fly? Real men don’t fly. Humming birds fly, not true Norn warriors like Reginar.
Conrad: So he doesn’t use reindeer?
Jorg: Fuck no, Reginar rides polar bears. Come, I’ll show you.
* they loop back around the work shop and head towards the door. They leave the work shop and head for the stables, just behind the workshop. Jorg swings open the stable doors. What they see is a blood bath, a massacre. Theres Gill sleeping ontop of a slumbering polar bear that’s laying in front of a pile of dead animals.
Conrad: Dear lord, it smells like a satyr at Vincent prices house.
* Jorg sniffs the air and smiles in delight. *
Jorg: Seems that’s Wermund took care of that reindeer problem.
Odin: Whats that red glow coming from his stomach?
Conrad: a marketing ploy, and a damn good one at that. Great, now I have nothing too look forward too at the thanksgiving parade.
Jorg: Seems your friend here opend the pens-I owe him many thanks. Now we can shed ourself of that reindeer nonsense and Reginar can get back to his roots.
Conrad: Roots?
Jorg: Aye, roots. That’s Wermond sleeping on the ground there, just ate like a king; lucky bastard. it’s a feast that I envy. Anund is with Reginar, santa. You see, to try and keep the harmony of the world Santa uses two polar bears, switching off every year. Wermond, protector of man and Anund, the triumph of the ancestor. By alternating the two, he keeps balance in the world. I feel that the only way you can reach Santa is by using Wermond but only Santa can tame him. It’s by his will is he able to unlock Anund and Wermunds ability to travel through time, thanks to the blessing or Hoor.
Conrad: Well that sucks, getting a flight into China will be near impossible an I don’t trust that raccoon to fly my privet jet.
Odin: You mean fly, like that pussy ass humming bird? I’m the WCF world champion, time shall bend to my will much like it bends to my uncles.
* Odin struts over to the bear and climbs on its back, heeling it in the sides, jolting it awake. With a pissed off roar it gets up and stands on its hind legs*
Odin: um, now which one did you eat? On Dasher, dancer, vixen, Rudolph…
Jorg: You’re wasting your time, only Reginar can get them to bend time.
Odin: We’ll improvise.
* Odin wraps his arm around the bears neck to gain balance as he checks his pockets and pulls out two bottles of five hour energy, much to the face palm of a moment that Conrad had. Odin unscrews the caps with his teeth and effectively punches the bear in the face , popping the bottles in his mouth and forces him to ingest the energy shot. *
Odin: That’s right bear! I’m a bad motha fucka! Now you best be getting your ass to time travelin’ for the fate of America and WCF depend on it! Lets go Conrad, this shit works fast.
* With the polar bear still dazed Conrad rushes over and climbs on its back as the scene fades to black. *
___________________________
Scene Three- The rescue
Fifteen minutes later. Beijing, China , Chinese air force base.
* Pulsing rush of air that is Wermund and his passengers rushing through time with the brute force of Norns comes to a sudden stop *
Conrad: Why’d we stop?
Odin: Maybe the shot wore off.
??: Bout time you guys got here.
* Odin an Conrad turn around to see a large man, slightly bigger then Odin, with a large white bear and red pants standing before them *
Conrad: Santa?
Santa: yes, Conrad.
* Conrad lunges at Santa, tackling him to the ground and starts choking him. *
Conrad: Barack Obama nearly killed this country! Rose up seven trillion dollars in dept! Corey Black wants to collect what he feels is his when we all know damn well that its rightfully Odin’s! He and Torture are trying to take down Balfore to restore their brand of order when its their way that got them in the toilet! Its Odin’s Dominance, his strength, his power- the power of one man alone just like the dominance of one country, America to shape, literally shape the world around it. The world hates America because it wishes to be America, like everyone in WCF wants to be Odin Balfore. CD, Torture, Reb, D-Day, Grave Digger, Seth Lerch, Bundy, Henry- all of them, ALL OF THEM! They wish to be him but that simply can’t be him and for that they’re all jealous So you give WCF The Barack Obama of WCF The single Worst thing to ever happen in the history of all Cosby, bull shit nonsense and you put him again against the Ronald Reagan of WCF. Do you know what would happen if Reagan debated Obama?
Odin: Jobber Kill.
Conrad: Exactly fat man!, fucking exactly and we, The Alliance already Jobber killed CD’s ass back in September. Now a few months later he wants to go and give it he old “ college try?” Under CD’s rule, everyone felt entitled, they wanted things handed to them. Title shots, matches, unions were formed and it was not until Odin Balfore as World champion stepped in and crushed that uprising. It was The Alliance created the civil war in attempts to change WCF’s out look. WCF has become a welfare state under CD, it was North Korea under Seth Lerch an its Odin Balfore that wants to restore America back to its former glory yet you’re teasing China, Corey Black with the repayment of money? The handing back of the WCF world title. This is America, this is The alliance. We don’t deal with terrorist, we silence them. We oppress the people just enough to make them stand up on their own ad want to fight for themselves because you should not give up freedom and liberty for security- that’s what the old guard of WCF wants. They want the contracts, CD wants the contracts, he wants the title, the recognition to say that he squeezed the evils out of America, out of Odin Balfore when in reality its just the petty squabble of a jealous man who couldn’t get the job done!
* Conrad finishes his rant as Santa shoves him off, stands up and towers over him. *
Santa: My name is Reginar Clause. I bring joy to all that I encounter. Much like Odin’s title brings him joy but I also bring heart ache and Jealousy to those with out me. Iran, Iraq, Israel, Palatine, Pakistan, these Chinese rice eaters. I stopped in to order me some sweet and sour chicken and look where the fuck I end up?! In some Pussy ass pissing contest. Americans have become complacent over the years, that much is true. just like those in WCF. You are right about that. They are, however ill informed and blinded to see what’s best for them. With out dept , they can’t enjoy their luxuries while the Chinese go with out even the simplest of Luxuries. that’s what CD is Trying to do. Build you as the political monster that you ARE NOT just to gain a foot hold in his own righteous cause. Weather Corey would want to admit or not, he is one of them. One of the old guard in WCF that just refuses to die. Like China, Russia, Iran, North Korea and Joan Rivers, that heartless plastic faced bitch!
So, That’s why I’ve asked for my nephews help- the descendent of Democracy and the true American spirit where if you wanted too, had the means too and the courage too- anyone could stand up and bask in my glories. That’s why I am reviled as a god in America, that’s why people spend billions of dollars every year to have what I don’t bring them but there is no replacing that feeling of what Santa Clause brings you on Christmas eve- just like there is no replacing what the WCF title can bring you in your heart but those in WCF take that for granted, much like they’ve taken Santa for granted but it’s Odin whose is slowly reminding them, like it or not, that Free Market rules the world and everyone has the right to stand up and make their way and there are no free rides- even for China. Even for Corey Black. In the world where Contracts and guarantees seem to come with more prestigious vigor then hard work and sacrifice, things that Odin Balfore know above all others- it is he who reminds the WCF that they no longer know the meaning of hard work. My nephew is as you put it the “ baddest motha fucka “ in WCF because no one in the free world of WCF has been able to stand up to him and prove other wise. Even now, they can’t do that.
Corey has cried that power was thrust upon him, dumped in his lap much like China has complained that Americas dept was trust in their lap. Corey has brought nothing of significence to this match except for stale rhetoric and horse hair claims. China wants their own piece of the world like he wants a piece of WCF. China sites its population, Corey will site his tenure. Either way, there is no entitlement in the Free World and that’s just want Odin wants to do, create the free world.
Odin: Actually.. Conrad had me convinced on the NWO thing. That I should rule with an iron fist an instill fear in WCF.
Santa: And shouldn’t you? You’re a descendant of a great Norn traditions where the strongest survive and rule over the weak. That’s the way the worlds always been. You may call it what you want now but its had many names over the years. it’s the free market that it brings forth and the will of men to up rise and do great things that empowers it. They used to call that many things but let me tell you that now they’ll be calling it: Odin Balfore. You’ve proven that time and time again and the world recognizes that. Even Russia, Torture recognizes that and that man don’t acknowledge a damn thing- that no selling piece of shit. He’s worse then Germany, those bunch of boodles.
Odin, you control the fate of the welfare state known as WCF- you have the opportunity to face tyranny eye to eye in the biggest super battle that WCF and the world has ever seen and you have all the tools needed to succeed because already have succeeded. You just remember, haters gonna hate but don’t hate the player. Don’t hate Odin Balfore, America for giving the chips to buy in and play the game but the game itself when you don‘t know how to play the game in the first place. The China’s of the world, Corey Black- the Russia’s of the world, Torture. The Germanys of the world, Boodles. The North Koreas, Lerch. Lets not forget the unorganized middle east, Grave diggers.
I believe at one time they were called the Axis of Evil. Right now you have an uneasy relationship with China but its your world Odin, Corey just lives in it. I know that Russia, torture feels compelled to referee the fight because ages ago it did something of mild importance but jut like Russia, when you stare torture down he whimpers like a little bitch. It was that fall out that put all this in our current situation. It’s at ONE though where it shall be rectified. You can’t get around the fact that CD put the title on you much like china bank rolls America but it still is America’s money and that still is your title.
Simply put. If China wants it, Corey will have to come take it and with all his might, that’s something he’s simply not prepared for. With all that national pride in what they used to be, they’ll always be viewed as second place because its you Odin Balfore with true American spirit that will continue to uphold the free doms of the world an evolve the game into something it’s never seen before. Thy Will be done Odin Balfore and your will is law, remember that.
So I have spoken, so it shall come to pass!
* Odin smiles and gives his uncle a hug *
Odin: Thanks.
Santa: You’re welcome. Now get your ass back home and whoop Corey Black. Not just for me but for America!
Odin: Oh, I will.
Santa: Come, Gather around, I’ll get you boys home.
* They gather in a circle as Santa says those magical words to get them home. *
Santa: zur Oberseite des Dachs, in die Halle. Stürzen Sie weg, Schlag weg, stürzen Sie weg alle
* In a swirling tornado of fire, they men disappear as the scene fades. *
______________________________
Scene Four- Season of giving.
Conrads Estate.
* The men appear back in Conrad’s estate, still shaken from this time travel thing, Conrad puking his guts out once again. *
Santa: What the hell man, You’re gonna get it over my baby seal skin pants. I had to go out and club two families to make this.
Conrad: sorry, sorry.. * yak* its not everyday I time travel with Santa in a tornado of magical fire.
Santa: Well if you get any on my shoes I’ll do Tom Brady like I did to manning- by the way, you’re welcome. Merry Fucking Christmas. Now if you boys are al fucking set, grabing each others cocks- I got a few more stops to make.
Odin: But the polar bears are back in China.
Santa: Son of a bitch! I’ll just have to call one of my contacts them.
* Santa reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone, speed dialing one of his contacts. *
Santa: .. .. .. Jules… Jules, Is Santa. Listen man, I need you to do me a solid. I need you to scoop me from these bunch of pasty honkies. What do you mean you’re a wonder now? Just walking the earth; this ain’t Kung Fu motha fucka! They got a name for that Jules, its called a bum! .. .. .. I would call but I ain’t got any friends up in the eight-one-eight. .. … Jimmy? Man Jimmies on his last night of Chanukah, Jimmie ain’t helping me with shit!… What about Dewolfe? .. Retired.. Shit.. How the fuck an I suppose get my shit done? .. .. .. Magic, Santa clause ain’t no fuckin magic. My name ain’t Cris motha fuckin angel. This shit is real. I’m a mushroom cloud lain motha fucka, motha fucka! .. .. What guy? Better then the Dewolfe? Jules, there ain’t no motha fucka better then Dewolfe… shit, why didn’t you say. .. Fuck ya I’mma call that Coon up right now…ight… Dueces bitch!
* Santa hangs up the phone and redials another number but this a cell phone in the house rings. “ Every day I’m hustling’ “ by Rick Ross can be heard lofting down the stairs. *
Odin: Gill is that your phone?
Gill: … .. ..
Santa: G.S motha fuckin Sanchez? Is that you? Shit, all you raccoon look alike. Why didn’t you tell me Odin that I was in the presence of the master.
Conrad: Master? He’s a fucking Raccoon, he has no thumbs. You see Odin, This is why everyone hates you. Its because you pull stupid shit like this. Ain’t no one going to believe this. All this-- years of therapy to forget.
Santa: Conrad, Conrad.. Haters gonna Hate. Now lets go Mr. Sanchez, we got gifts to deliver..
* Gill hops from Odin’s shoulder over to Santa as they go to walk out the door. Before they leave though, Santa turns to Odin to say one last thing. *
Santa: Oh an Odin, before I forget. Tell your dad, next time the son of a bitch beside to send me a fruit cake I’ll give him polio, just like I did the last guy, FD. something.. I hate fruit cake. In fact, that’s my new policy. Anyone who gives me fruit cake, I’m giving polio.. Got it.
Odin: Yeah, I got it.
Santa: Good.
* Santa with gill on his shoulder takes his leave from the house and disappears back to his workshop as Odin rushes to the fridge and feverishly rummages through it to find that holiday fruit cake it dad gave him. Pulling it out of the fridge and struggles to find a sharpie in one of the sliding counter top draws. After a few moments he finds one and starts writing on it in large, bold print. *
Conrad: Odin, what the hell are you doing?
Odin: Giving the gift that keeps on giving.
Conrad: Who are you sending it too?
Odin: They’ll see… they’ll see..
* Odin laughs a crazy hysterical laugh as the camera focuses and zooms in on the fruit cake that reads:
{ To Santa
From: Russia, North Korea, The Middle East, Germany and China. }
~ FINN
