Post by Lawnmower Jones on Oct 31, 2011 14:55:46 GMT -5
Has the Lawnmower Run Out of Gas?
By Stephen MacNeil
Contributor to TMZ.com
By Stephen MacNeil
Contributor to TMZ.com
As we all know, WCF wrestler Lawnmower Jones was recently arrested on assault charges in a Pennsylvania Sears stemming from an incident with an employee. In the weeks that followed his arrest, social media sites such as Facebook, YouTube and Megan's Law have facilitated information as to what transpired that fateful October day.
The Stories:
Version 1: A drunk Lawnmower Jones was perusing the aisles of Sears, shopping for a new love interest. The employee (who will remain nameless due to pending litigation) had already staked his claim in one model, and Jones, being the ill-tempered soul he is, used professional wrestling moves and injured the employee.
Version 2: A drunk Lawnmower Jones stumbled into Sears. He immediately went to the lawncare section, looking to quell his feelings of loneliness. The employee tried to intervene and ask Jones to leave, but the belligerent Jones wouldn't listen. When the employee threatened to call security, Jones used professional wrestling moves and injured the employee.
Version 3: A drunk Lawnmower Jones went to the Sears lawncare aisle, the equivalent of a normal man's visit to the strip club. Jones got a little too touchy-feely with the, erm, ladies, and continued to harass them. When the Sears employee, acting as a bouncer, asked him to leave, Jones used professional wrestling moves and injured the employee.
No matter what story you buy, there are but three staples that tie the story together:
A drunk Lawnmower Jones went to Sears, went immediately to the lawncare section for sexual release, and used professional wrestling moves to injure an employee.
Is that not enough to condemn the man? Have we not tired of his antics? When is enough enough?
If the WCF had any sense of responsibility, the leading wrestling organization in the world would banish this pathetic excuse for an athlete immediately. But the slime balls in charge do not. Instead, Jones will be showcased in a match tonight against Switches the Clown.
Are they running a circus there, or what?
(Pun intended.)
(Lawnmower Jones looks up from a laptop computer. He is in the office of an attorney, Herman Schwartz, a Jewish man with a large nose and Yarmulke. Schwartz is Jones' WCF appointed legal counsel, the man who got him a relative slap on the wrist for his transgressions. However, Jones is now facing a $3 million lawsuit for damages done to the employee.)
Schwartz: So, did you read the article?
Jones: Nope. I 'on't know why ye made meh. I ain't never learnt to read!
(The scene fades out as Jones and Schwartz begin to laugh.)
