Post by Jack of Blades on Apr 26, 2006 12:48:59 GMT -5
Director's Note: Once again, I will place this disclaimer here, as this will contain sensitive material that some of you may find offensive. Think of it as bullying media not Anorexia suffers. The whole point of it is to humiliate Ellis but also carry on Jack's dislike for anything that he considers a tool of normalcy i.e. right-wing journalism, media.
(An extremely thin man, presumably living on the streets, is scurrying through the trash for something to eat. He finds a sandwich and without looking takes a bite. His joy turns to disgust as he empties his bite from his mouth and the camera zooms into his food to show it rancid and maggot-infested. It zooms back out to catch the sound of a single gunshot and the tramp's head exploding in an ejaculation of blood and grey matter. The camera turns around to where the shot came from and zooms into Jack of Blades, on a ledge, blowing the smoke from a rifle.)
Jack of Blades: Got the bastard. Tonight. Wooden Epidermis. Anorexia.
(The titles flicker past same as before and the camera opens on the studio. Same set as the previous instalment still carrying the stains of blood from Jack's culling of a cat. Jack of Blades is missing though and can't be heard through the riotous applause of the show returning. His giant mahogany desk is still present taking up a vast amount of the stage. The audience dies out with a few bursts trying to encourage the absent Jack to arrive. The clapping eventually dies out leaving silence except for the collective pants of two voices. The wheeze sounds much like Jack but the snorting breaths' source is unknown. The breathing is emanating from behind the desk and a cameraman goes around the desk to see the commotion. At this point, the camera switches to this cameraman's view to see Jack of Blades, stark naked (but hiding any private areas) having Doggy-style sex with Trisha who is busy eating a Big Mac. She looks unmoved by Jack's attempt and more pleasured by her sandwich. Jack realises he's being watched and asks 'Are we on? Are we on now?' The camera than switches to in front of the desk to catch Jack pop up, still naked, but the height of the desk covers all up to the ridge of his stomach. His hair is slicked back in the same fashion as before. He stares deeply into the camera.)
Jack of Blades: Last episode, we dealt with anorexia in a mood befitting the illness. It was also an educationable, and yes that is a word and if you disagree you are a queer, experience for us all. We learnt that the average blood-hound can smell an anorexic from two light years away. We also learnt the reason anorexics can survive for so long is that they produce energy through photosynthesis and we were also told how to distinguish a hobgoblin from your common-garden variety goblin.
But there are many mysteries behind the disease that go unanswered. Until now! Until, I, answer the biggest legends about anorexia as fact or fiction. One such myth is the idea that by looking at an enemy of yours and thinking about the illness, you can curse them and make them an anorexic as well. Let's try.
(Jack of Blades points to a woman in the audience.)
You, yes you. I'm going to stare at you and see if you become anorexic ok?
(Jack of Blades steps out behind the desk, still naked. A camera switches to behind Jack of Blades at a low angle, which only shows his left leg and a single butt cheek. The audience is very clear though and in unison, they see Jack in his full glory and all, including the woman he pointed at, begin vomiting at the sight. Buckets provided of course.)
My powers are great.
(A title shot flickers stating the phrase ‘Anorexia: Mythology or Malnutrition. The face of cross-eyed man appears on the screen in front of a black background. He looks like the product of incest.)
Cross-eyed man: Dear fancy TV programme. I am a farmer from Arkansas but falling because my crops are getting ate by things at night. Every morning, I wake up and me crops are gone but there are splotches of sick everywhere. Could it be dem anorexics?
(Cut to Jack of Blades standing in a field at nighttime with a small squadron of heavily-armed hunters. Their attire makes this evident.)
Jack of Blades: Ask and we will deliver. Tonight, we are going to camp out in this Arkansas farm in the hope that we can catch anorexics gnawing at this simple farmers crops.
A gunshot is heard in the distance with somebody screaming ‘I got one’ closely following. Jack runs in the direction of the shooting with the rest of the hunters and the cross-eyed farmer. They arrive to see a beefy teenager wearing a high school football jacket, dead, on the floor.)
Cross-eyed man: That, der, is my son. He just come home from his sister’s, I, mean, girlfriend's.
Jack of Blades: Same difference, I’m sure. Anyway, he’s probably just sleeping. Drugs and all that.
(The farmer nods in agreement and turns around contented. Jack removes a wad of crumpled notes from his jacket and asks a hunter to ‘bury it underneath the field.’ The hunter obliges and drags the dead son across the floor. We then cut to a montage of Jack of Blades running around the field with his army looking for anorexics as narrated by a voiceover.)
(V.O.) Jack of Blades: 3.00 AM and no sign of any anorexics yet but we’ve set up a clever bait to coax them in. It’s basically Jessica Simpson dancing.
(We see Jessica Simpson dancing. We then cut to the camera being extremely close in Jack’s distraught face. Mucus and tears are spilling everywhere and Jack cannot stop his chills. It’s an obvious parody of ‘The Blair Witch Project.’)
Jack of Blades: First, Mom, Dad, Cousin Rapier, James the Deliveryman, Mrs. Goosesmith, my 2nd Year maths teacher and Chuck Norris, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ignored your warnings. And to Jeff, the one-armed Hunter’s family, I’m sorry. I mean you may not know I’m talking to you because when you knew Jeff he had both his arms. But now, now he’s lost his arm, his life and his car-keys. I told him he didn’t need to set that many bear-traps but he wouldn’t listen. And yes, I may have…sniff…I may have threw stones at the traps while he set them up…but…sniff…honestly, sob, I was bored. And now the anorexics are close, we found a dog-eared copy of ‘Seventeen’ and a can of Fresco. They’re close and we’re going to suffer.
(The shot cuts to a hunter screaming he’s found something. We hear footsteps in the distance and Jack runs on screen and to the hunter. He’s lifting a dead gopher.)
Hunter: There’s your problem. Gophers.
Jack of Blades: Anorexic Gophers?
(We cut to another face in front of a black background. It’s a woman this time, one of Asian descent. She goes to ask her question.)
Asian Woman: Do anorexics have magical powers like the stories say?
(We cut to Jack of Blades sitting in an interview room with a cigar with someone who is clearly anorexic. He takes a drag before asking the question.)
Jack of Blades: Ok, for a moment, let me get off my ‘PC’ ladder. I’m going to ask you straight, are you anorexics the result of the black arts? Can you spill the blood of virgins and grow hooves?
Obvious Anorexic: Nah…cough…I can vomit at will though.
(Truly horrified) Jack of Blades: Oh. My. God.
(Another face in front of a black background. An average American man this time, in his mid-40s, with balding grey hair.)
Balding Man: I have a teenage daughter and I’m concerned about the threat of anorexics. Is it true that one in fifteen year olds are anorexic?
(Cut to a line of teenagers sitting in a row on a bench.)
(V.O.) Jack of Blades: To protect the anonymity of our fifteen-year-old volunteers we replaced each one of them with three five year olds.
(Cut to a line of five-year old kids on a bench and Jack of Blades going down the line asking them. They respond to his question with slight shakes of the head or whispers of a negation.)
Jack of Blades: You anorexic? You? What about you? Bulimic? Anorexic? Thin? Thinny? Are you feeling sick? Where you sick on your way here? Anorexic? Anorexic? Do you want to be sick? You anorexic?
(Cut to Jack of Blades standing by a window.)
Surprisingly, all of our volunteers had never heard of anorexia let alone practice it.
(Cut to a title screen saying ‘Friendly Forum. The next shot is of Jack vomiting in a toilet. He stops his hawking and turns to face the camera.)
Jack of Blades: It’s ok to vomit once in a while after dinner if you’re trying to go down a dress size or want to impress that cutie in your biology class. But using this tactic often is not smart, but of course, that’s just my opinion. (Jack heartily laughs before breaking it immediately and looking sternly at the camera.) I’m right. Anyway, lets ask my audience for their thoughts.
(He walks right and the camera follows his motion revealing that the toilet is just a cross-sectioned bathroom on the stage. He walks into the audience.)
Jack of Blades: Anyone want to start the discussion?
(Some one shouts a ‘here’ and Jack and the camera go to the source. It’s a man wearing bleached robes and a white mask with two eyeholes. He looks like a zealous chef or a white extremist. I think you can guess by this point, which he is.)
KKK Member: Yeah, I think that everyone who ain’t *wight* should be crucified.
Jack of Blades: That’s next weeks show.
(The KKK Member apologises and nods his head before leaving the studio chanting ‘White is right’, ‘White is right.’)
Jack of Blades: Any more?
(A shrill voice says ‘me.’ Jack travels over to the speaker.)
Shrill Woman: Well, uh, honestly, I think you’re being overly aggressive to these people who have a legitimate problem and your petulant broadcasting style and charismatic rhetoric keeps these idiotic watchers in agreement with you as if this were the Nuremberg trials of the—
(She pants trying to catch her breath. Jack nods with what she’s saying. She goes into a pocket and brings out a asthma inhaler. She takes a burst as Jack looks in horror. She goes for another but he soccer kicks her inhaler out of her hand.)
Jack of Blades: You’re asthmatic? You’ve got the asthma lurgie? Fucking hell, you come in her and start panting. Your sick, absolutely, no consideration. What if we catch it off you, huh? I can’t believe the fucking gall of…Security. Get her out. Get her out.
(The crowd cheers at their hero’s actions but they are shocked to see the woman rise, still panicking and close to hyperventilation, to confront Jack. Jack of Blades jumps over seats to avoid her shrieking.)
Jack of Blades: Don’t breath on me. Don’t breath on me. I ain’t catching it. I ain’t catching it. Don’t breath on me.
(Security appears on the scene and cart the asthmatic woman off-camera and we hear what sounds like very powerful punches from offstage followed by womanly shrieks. A title screen flashes declaring that the next segment with be ‘Zest with the Zeitguest.’ We return to see Jack sitting around an oval table, on his own.)
Jack of Blades: Although anorexia is mostly common to the impoverished, some of our most cherished celebrities can catch it as well off the peasants they hire as personal ass-wipers. Oh yes. One such woman was my guest, here tonight, who confronted anorexia and beat it. Being a Brit, I’m rather excited as well. Yes, she is the princess of our hearts, the people’s royal, Princess Diana of Wales.
(The camera turns to the other side of the oval table revealing a seat being taken by a decaying corpse wearing a diamond tiara. It zooms back to Jack.)
Jack of Blades: It’s good to have you on the show.
(The camera turns to Princess Diana. She just continues to rot.)
Jack of Blades: Very good. Now, enough with the pleasantries as we’re going to have go down to core and ask and answer some very hard questions, if that’s ok?
(The camera pans to her corpse once more. Nothing.)
Jack of Blades: Now we’ve got your blessing, I’d like to ask about the effect that your anorexia had with others. We all knew you had a close rapport with the Queen, but did she treat you any different when you suffered with your illness?
(The camera turns once more. Nothing for a second until her rotting eye pops out of its socket.)
Jack of Blades: It’s ok; you take your time to think.
(Another look at ‘Diana.’ Nothing.)
Jack of Blades: Look, I know the questions are hard but if could answer.
(We see Diana again. Back to Jack.)
Jack of Blades: Please sit down, your majesty. There’s no need to stand. But your majesty where did you get that knife from? Oh god, stay back, please stay back
(The camera zooms past Jack’s terrified expression and directly into his eye and we hear his scream fade and fade. A title screen flashing with the name a ‘Sour Dose of Reality.’ Jack of Blades is walking down a busy mall.)
Jack of Blades: Now, we’ve established that anorexia can be directly attributed with the uprising of The Third Reich; it’s time to look at the other side. The side that defends anorexia.
(We cut to a shot of a truly thin and pale woman smiling in an interview room. She’s wearing a red band around her wrist.)
(V.O.) Jack of Blades: Pro-Ana is a clever portmanteau organisation whose followers believe that anorexia is a positive thing and as a journalist I thought it would be needed to interview these fucking shiteheads without falling into bias.
(The camera zooms outwards to show that Jack of Blades is also sitting with the women. Opposite side to her, though.)
Jack of Blades: Now, Geri. Pro-Ana says that anorexia is a good thing. Why, you sour bint?
Pro-Geri: Well, we look as it being a useful facility for losing weight. A kinda of quick diet. We consider anorexia a lifestyle.
(Incredulously) Jack of Blades: You consider regurgitating any food you consume a lifestyle?
Pro-Geri: Yes.
Jack of Blades: Well, I suppose you spew less crap from your mouths than Scientology. And what’s that red band you’re wearing?
Pro-Geri: It shows my involvement within Pro-Ana.
Jack of Blades: And wards off evil spirits?
Pro-Geri: No.
(Interrupting her) Jack of Blades: Can I touch it?
Pro-Geri: No.
(Jack gurns his lips as the show cuts to the outside of a church at midday.)
(V.O.) Jack of Blades: I decided to follow these rebellious anorexics around for a day and see what they get up. Here is what I saw. Letting out now is a support group for anorexics at the Methodist. See the response of those guerrilla terrorists, Pro-Ana.
(The church doors open as a punch of thin girls leaving wiping their eyes and holding hands for support. One reaches the bottom of the stoop before noticing the gang of other thin women across the street. This group has weapons. The churchgoer points them out and screams ‘Body Snatcher’ style at their rivals. They go to charge across the street before the groups break out into a Westside Story Dance-off before cancelling their jiving and charging once more. Chaos breaks out. We cut to a few shots of women strangling each other. Two women placing the beat down on a crippled one. And a man caught in the crossfire with his groceries. An anorexic woman runs to bit him and does causing him to turn pale and lose 150 pounds immediately and thus changing him into an anorexic as well. The show ends with Jack of Blades walking through the middle of the carnage.)
Jack of Blades: Women grappling women. It should be every man’s dream. But in this case, it is a nightmare.
(A gust of wind goes through the shot causing two fighting anorexics to fly off into the sky. Jack continues his stroll.)
A nightmare that is everywhere. A nightmare that is sweeping the streets. A nightmare that is filling the schools. A nightmare that is terrorising the workplaces. A nightmare that could even be partaking in a high-class professional wrestling event this Saturday. And the only way to stop the epidemic?
(An anorexic carrying a shotgun marches past Jack but he punches in the mouth knocking her out and takes her weapon. He aims it at the camera.)
(He fires.)
Shoot to kill.
