Independence

[Deleted]

{{American rock music blasts to life. An American muscle car cruises down a wide-open Pennsylvania freeway on a sunny summer day. This is Americana. This is Independence Day. We see a close-up of the driver's clean-shaven yet ruggedly handsome face.}}

Phillip Baines [over the music]: "THIS... is Phillip Baines!"

{{With that Baines and his muscle car explode into the distance at one-hundred and thirty miles per hour, serenaded by Tom Morello guitar sounds. There's not a cop car in sight and even if there was it wouldn't have a chance in hell of catching up with Muscle Car Baines.}}

{{WCF Arena. Oley, Pennsylvania. Hank Brown is standing in front of a large, black-and-green WCF backdrop with microphone in hand. Hank is wearing his trademark crinkled, gray suit and has a cheesy grin plastered on his face. He's presumably had a few pops of his favorite spirit to celebrate the holiday. The reigning WCF Hardcore Champion Phillip Baines walks into the frame, his title belt slung over his shoulder. Phil is wearing his trademark technicolor wrestling singlet and silver moon boots. His hands are taped, his eyes are fiery, his scowl is ominous. He's obviously ready for competition. Phil nods at Hank. Hank flashes that cheesy grin at Phil. Phil immediately recognizes what this is.}}

Phil: "Old Grand-Dad, Hank?"

Hank Brown [nodding his head]: "You know it, Philly. Heh. But shhhh... let's just keep that our little Fourth of July secret, ok?"

Phil: "Sure thing, Hank. I know what it's like. Why do you think I named one of my moves Liquid Courage? I enjoy adult beverages as much as the next guy, especially when I'm fixing for a fight."

Hank: "Good, good..."

{{Hank breathes a sigh of relief. He gestures toward his trusty cameraman, giving the signal for him to start rolling tape. The cameraman complies and a red light on the camera flashes to life, indicating that the camera is recording.}}

Hank: "Hello, WCF Universe! This is your old buddy Hank Brown! Standing next to me, of course, is WCF Hardcore Champion Phillip Baines! How are you, Phil? Are you enjoying your Independence Day?"

Phil: "Not yet, Hank. I won't be enjoying myself until I get in that ring with my tag team partner Buzzsaw Bundy and deliver the kind of gruesome, bloodletting beatdown that would make the Founding Fathers proud. That's what this holiday is all about for me. Bloodshed, massacre, brutality, the seedy side of life."

Hank: "Fair enough. Your tag team partner is a man that you've never teamed with before, a man who you have previously criticized and dismissed as little more than a novelty act. What changed your mind about Buzzsaw? Why did you choose him as your partner?"

{{Phil adjusts the title belt on his shoulder as he glares into the camera.}}

Phil: "It's quite simple, Hank. I believe in the concept of redemption. Buzzsaw has always been a hard-working man, from his days as a lumberjack in Washington or Alaska or wherever he's from to his time here in WCF. The man just... lacked guidance. He had no one to teach him the lessons that a young superstar needs to learn. Where would I be without men like Bolts Quackenbush and Bobby Cairo?"

Hank: "You'd still be stocking grocery store shelves in Connecticut!"

Phil: "Yep. Either that or I would have brought a gun into work and shot the place up, but you get the point."

{{Phil smirks and then winks at the camera.}}

Phil: "You see what Buzzsaw needed to understand, and what he's learned since he's been under the tutelage of men such as Cairo, is that the rest of the WCF roster isn't as easy to control as Ana Valentine. Ana will spread her legs, her ass cheeks, her ear lobes, whatever you're into and she'll let you fuck her hard. A cat like Oblivion might be fucked in the head, but he's not going to let another grown man fuck him like that. You have to work for it. That's what I intend to do tonight and I do believe that Buzzsaw is with me on that."

Hank: "Having said all of that, are you at all discouraged by Buzzsaw's win-loss record? It currently stands at three wins, six losses and one draw."

Phil: "That doesn't affect me, Hank. I've never been a stat nerd."

Hank: "Well the last time we saw Buzzsaw in action he was just another statistic being added to Odin Balfore's win column. Buzzsaw took a real beating in that match. Odin was basically toying with him before he dropped the boom. Buzzsaw never recovered from it."

Phil: "I am aware, Hank. Hell I don't live under a goddamned rock. Buzzsaw lost a few matches. He lost to Odin, he lost to Kash, he even lost to Ana once upon a time, but that's quality competition. It's not like he was getting teabagged by guys like El Matador or The World Elite. Buzzsaw has worked hard to improve himself since the last time the world saw him. Besides if he's not discouraged by those defeats then why should I be?"

Hank: "Maybe he's one of those eternal optimists. He might even have a screw loose."

Phil: "That's possible, but even so he can't be as nuts as our opponent tonight. Why are you grilling me about Buzzsaw anyway, Hank?"

Hank: "He just seems like an odd choice of tag team partner for a man with your credentials, Phil. The guy drinks beer at eight-thirty in the morning. That's not exactly a common practice among World Champions."

Phil: "Hank, I've drank my own urine earlier than that in the morning, so let's not get started on early morning beverages."

Hank: "Wait... what?"

Phil: "Let's just say that if you're going to use a Pepsi bottle for a toilet, make sure that you don't leave it next to the Pepsi bottle that you're drinking from. That shit can get mixed up pretty damn easily in the middle of the night."

{{Hank shakes his head with his mouth agape, clearly flabbergasted by that revelation.}}

Hank: "Uh... moving along, you and Buzzsaw are scheduled to face your most familiar foe tonight, that being Oblivion, and a tag team partner of his choosing. Unlike you, Oblivion has chosen not to reveal the identity of his partner--"

Phil: "Pure cowardice, Hank."

Hank: "Be that as it may, who do you think Oblivion's partner is?"

Phil: "I can only begin to speculate, Hankster. It could be you for all I know."

Hank: "Now wait just a minute! Are you accusing me of--"

Phil: "Relax, Hank. I'm kidding. The truth is that Oblivion is not a man with very many friends, although I am a man with very many enemies. That means that any number of individuals could be willing to offer their services as Oblivion's partner if it means getting the chance to knock me down a peg. It could be a member of the current WCF roster. It could be a name and face from the past. It could be a dead man. You know who I'm talking about with that reference."

Hank: "The man that you killed at XIII, Greenfever?"

Phil: "That's right, Hank. It wouldn't surprise me at all if Dr. Heill had found some way to rebuild Greenie as some sort of half-human, half-robot, a cyborg if you will. Maybe he even transplanted Greenie's evil brain into another body. The question is whose body? Chris Benoit's perhaps? That would be double the killing power, Hank, and can you imagine Greenie with that kind of technical wrestling ability?"

{{Hank raises an eyebrow to Phil's assertions.}}

Hank: "Outside of cyborgs and the walking dead, is there anyone else that you think it might be?"

{{Phil shrugs his considerably broad shoulders.}}

Phil: "Roy Speede's mom? Lonnie the Lawnmower? Davey Boone? I don't know, Hank. Speculation has been running rampant inside my brain all week long. I'm almost giddy over it. I mean it's not really exciting enough for me to become giddy, but if it were then I would be giddy, that's for damn sure!"

Hank: "Are you saying that it doesn't really matter to you who Oblivion's partner is?"

Phil: "Uhh... I guess. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!!"

Hank: "Alright calm down, Lex. How exactly have you been preparing for this match? Obviously you know Oblivion very well. You've been through many battles with him, but his partner is a total mystery... literally!"

Phil: "I've been preparing for this match like any other, Hank. I've been busting my ass at Crimson House Dojo in Hartford, where I train. I've been having, you know, good sex every night with my girlfriend. My reproductive cycle has not been disturbed at all by Oblivion's little mystery game. This match is not a big deal to me, Hank. Oblivion's mystery partner is not a big deal to me. He could choose anybody on the roster and it wouldn't surprise me. He could choose any WCF alumnus and it wouldn't surprise me. He could choose ME, Phillip Baines, to be his tag team partner! Think about that one, Hank!"

Hank: "I guess you're right. He could choose you! Haha! That's wild!"

Phil: "Exactly, Hank. Why should I be worried about who Oblivion has chosen? Let the chips fall where they may tonight. I'll be ready for anything. I've beaten Oblivion from pillar to post and I'm not about to show him any mercy tonight. Whoever his partner is better make damn sure that they understand what it means to step into the ring with Baines. Baines is a life-altering experience, a near-death experience, a sexual experience. How do you quantify any of those things in the scope of a mere wrestling match? It's not possible, Hankford."

{{Baines drifts out of the frame and the camera focuses solely on Hank now.}}

Hank: "Strong words from the Hardcore Champion. He's Phillip Baines. I'm Hank Brown. We'll be back with more after this commercial break!"

{{Hank signals for the cameraman to stop rolling and he does just that.}}