Post by Jack of Blades on Apr 23, 2006 18:51:46 GMT -5
(OOC Note: Some of the stuff in here could be considered extremely offensive to those suffering the eponymous disease. This is not to be taken seriously and should be considered an attack made by Jack on the idiocy of the media and Ellis who has already established the fact that she is not anorexic and who this is addressed to. This is meant to be in the same vein as the satirical 'Brass Eye' and it is all in jest of media hypocrisy. Think of it as an attack on ignorance rather than its sufferers.)
(We open up on a gordy looking studio that seems to house a cheesy daytime talk show. Central to the camera is Jack of Blades. But gone is his trenchcoat and gone is his demonic smile. Instead of his usual Victorian attire is a modern pinstripe suit that is a predicate for all stereotypical journalists. His hair is gelled back so far that it has given him a pseudo-facelift. Instead of sunglasses, he is wearing thickly rimmed frames that suggest a degree of seriousness about the proceedings. He walks towards the camera.)
Jack of Blades: Anorexia. What is it? Who are they? What does it do? When will it happen? And, what does it have to do with Bill Gates? The answers. Here. Tonight.
(A cheap and colourful set of credits role by featuring some incredulous scenes in a montage. Tony Blair's head exploding. A cartoon embodiment of SARS fighting a giant duck with a thermometer coming out its beak, the semiotic of bird flu. This is obviously an attempt to mock the hightened worries of the media. The credits end and the studio is present again in a panning shot of the camera. It covers the audience before drawing itself to Jack, present on stage.)
Jack of Blades: Anorexia. That word conjures up a lot of different images when heard. Vomit. Sickness. Nicole Richie. And it is my duty as a host nay as a responsible citizen to tell you the facts on the disease that claims more American lives each year than the U.S. Army.
(A panel flashes on the screen saying Anorexia: The Facts. We return to Jack sitting on a leather office chair with a tall bourbon with ice.)
Anorexia. What you need to know to stay fat.
(He raises a solitary finger.)
1.) Anorexia is sexually transmitted.
(He raises another.)
2.) Anorexia is named after a small penisula of the coast off New Jersey where the illness derives from.
(Another finger.)
3.) 60% of people suffer from it.
(One more.)
4.) The illness is caused by a miscellaneous fist-shaped cell that tries to escape the body internally thus causing sickness. Here it is in all its gory glory.
(It simply plays the scene from the film 'Alien' where a chestburster rips it's way out of Kane's stomach. We return to Jack with his hand down his pants beating off.)
Oh, sorry.
(And again)
5.) Anorexia is the most infectious disease known to civilization. It could be in your workplace, at your school, in your car, at your doorstep, at every good newsagents, on your remote control, or on your loyal pet.
(A cat strolls across the screen and Jack notices it and responds by screaming. The audience joins in before Jack gets an axe from off-screen and pulls it over the animal before the camera cuts to the hysterical audience and blood splatters all over them. After the screaming stops, the camera cuts to Jack of Blades, smeared with claret, panting and flayed with fur.)
Jack of Blades: It's time to see the illness in its direst form as we hit the streets to find some of these neo-day lepers.
(The camera pans over some sort of town centre where their are numerous shops and by obvious degrees, shoppers. Suddenly, a hyphoned neologism appears on camera. Street Blading. It is then followed up with the appearance of 'with Jack of Blades.' They words come on in chronogical seperateness with each word being punctuated with a sound that seems like it is being stamped into the screen.)
(The camera turns to a man walking down a surburbian side-walk. He's an average man if a little slim. He's carrying a bag and he's whistling to himself. He's content. Content, if slim. A white van pulls up to the side of him. It has a slide-away door which opens revealing Jack headlined by his sound crew and a few camera-men. Jack spears the man to the floor and locks him in a Anaconda Vice.)
Jack of Blades: What you have here is your type A anorexic. Notice the pale complexion...
(Jack releases his grasp to slap the man across his face)
lack of reaction times...
(Jack pokes the guy in the eye.)
aversion to light...torch...
(A stage-hand passes Jack a torch. He uses it to shine light in his captive's eyes.)
chronic halitosis...
(Jack waves the air around his noses before pulling some mints out of nowhere and forcing them down the guy's throat.)
Captive Man: Who are you peo--?
(Jack shoves them down his throat and clasps his mouth shut)
Jack of Blades: The trick is because he is a anorexic, is to rub his neck and trace them down his gullet.
(He does so)
That's right. Keep it going.
(The man splutters forth managing to catch a breath)
Captive Man: bweh...leh...I'm not...I'm not...
Jack of Blades: Hungry? I know.
Captive Man: No, not anorexic. Not anorexic.
(Jack of Blades relinguishes his hold, adjusts his suit and stands up.)
Jack of Blades: Well, huh. Sorry for the inconveince, I mean if you had said before. Are you sure you're not anorexic? Have you had a blood test? Oh well, are you steadily sure? You're sure? Ok lads, back to cave. Yes Dave, we'll pick up some Chinese. Is that making him sick? Are you being sick because I mentioned Chinese?
(The Captive splutters.)
Captive Man: No I'm coughing because you choked me.
Jack of Blades: Well, you never know.
(He turns his back on the man he attacked and walks towards the van before turning back around and punching the grounded captive in the face.)
Jack of Blades: Just checking. Making sure.
(He turns his back and walks to the van while the man he attacked writhes in pain. Jack turns to the camera.)
Jack of Blades: Dave, how long where you taping for? Did you tape that? You bastard. Delete it. Delete it, you bastard.
(The camera relents from Jack as he rises to snatch it off Dave The Cameraman. The shot ends with Jack's gloved hand covering the lens.)
(The camera cuts back to Jack in the studio. He's eating a sandwich behind his vanished study. He looks at the camera.)
Jack of Blades: The percentage of anorexics that couldn't swallow this watercress and placenta sandwich is astronomical. And it's good placenta too. And looking around the audience, I see many people agree with me.
(He moves from his desk still carrying his sandwich and into the audience stands.)
Jack of Blades: Now, you see anorexia not only effects the sufferers gullet, oh no, it also drastically effects their sex life. It is now common for most people to actually want to fuck fat people more and more. Look at this.
(He climbs through the audience trampling many a member to confront an obese woman who must be taking up about four chairs.)
Jack of Blades: This is Trisha. 500lb Trisha. And she, yes she is my life partner and my most gentle lover except for Mr Sarowitz.
(He takes her hand and the crowd 'ahhhs' softly. The camera zooms to Jack's fan nodding contently before pulling back to see the overweight Trisha trying to consume Jack's hand.)
Jack of Blades: Now, Trisha, here, Trisha used to be close to anorexia. Until, I out of the kindness of my heart, picked her up off the streets and I locked her up in the loft. And every five minutes, I would go upstairs and beat her with a chicken, a whole roast chicken, before she succumb to temptation and devoured the poultry. Now, well, now look at her. She's sweats bacon grease and only one pint of blood manages to course its way through her cholestrol-encrusted veins within a day. And, we now share a terrific love-life where each night I come home with a suckling pig, cook it and we feast on its sweet carcus. And then, she picks up my quivering, naked body and lays me on the tiger-print mat by the fire-place and we make sweet, bone crushing love. Here's an example of our sexual exploits...
(He points to the screens placed around the studio and the camera cuts to the 'sex tape.' Jack is offscreen but his panting is audible. Trisha is at a fancy restaurant with a buffet. She is cramming and eating as much as she can.)
Jack of Blades: Ah, that's it...that's it...come on...more souffle...come on...the banana souffle...
(She obliges.)
Jack of Blades: That's it keep going. Don't stop. Don't stop. The clam chouder. Go for it, finish it, go on.
(The camera begins to shake as his panting becomes more rapid.)
Jack of Blades: Don't stop. Gorge. Gorge! GORGE!
(A waiter approaches and tells Trisha to stop. Jack stops his panting and the camera remains static. The waiter whispers for Trisha to stop and asks that the smiling-man stop making such a public exhibition. At this point, the camera falls to the floor and Jack tackles the waiter and places him in a Kimura armbar. The camera spins along the floor due to the impact to focus on Trisha climbing onto the table. Two more waiters try and grapple her but she overpowers them. One runs off-screen and returns with a rifle and fires a dart into her back. She swats him away.)
(The camera returns to the studio. The camera is so zoomed in that only Jack's smiling visage is apparent.)
Jack of Blades: Of course, not everyone leads such a normal carnal relationship as me and Trisha. There are those that are twisted in their tastes. There are those that are fixated on 'thin porn.' There are those perverted enough to consider anorexia a pre-requisite for loving.
(The camera zooms out and back onto the crowd to see Trisha in the process of devouring another member of the audience.)
(Another screen runs saying Jack-Talk. The camera opens up on a normal, average living room. A happy caucasian couple are sitted together holding hands and going over each other's engagement ring. The wife is average sized as is her bespecticled husband. Jack is off-camera to ask the questions.)
Jack of Blades: I'm here with the Andersons. This is Jim and this is Jennifer, his wife. A happily married couple and as I'm sure you'll have noticed by the frame of Mrs Anderson, that features an anorexic.
(We hear Jack spitting offscreen and it flies through the air and lands on Jennifer Anderson.)
Jack of Blades: So, tell me, you sick fuck, what first brought you to her?
Jim Anderson: Well, I was desperate really. And I thought that it wouldn't hurt. It wouldn't hurt as long as I withdrawed it before the climax. But then...sob...
(Mrs. Anderson bursts into tears and rests her head on his shoulder screaming in tears. Her husband calms her down.)
Jim Anderson: But, then Jennifer, then she told me that she was pregnant, and the baby came along and well...
Jack of Blades: And there were complications...?
Jim Anderson: Yes. She was different, Suzie was different...Suzie, come here...
(Suzie, their child, enters the scene. She is a 6'5 black man with pigtails. She's more muscular than Jack and heavily tattooed but she's wearing a pink top saying that 'Girls Want To Have Fun.' She sits down on the sofa with her parents. Jennifer Anderson extends the embrace to include her daughter and they have a family scene of emotions.)
Jim Anderson: You're still my baby daughter.
(The camera cuts away to a flickering screen saying next time...Jack takes the issue of anorexia to the senate. The camera cuts to a Texan senator screaming his mouth off.)
Texas Senator: Anorexia does not make the world work!
("Also, Jack of Blades deals with the legend that Anorexia sufferers have magical powers" the screen relays. It cuts to a stereotypical set of teen-bullies following a girl home shouting things like 'thinny' or 'vomit-woman.' She turns around and retracts metal claws from her fists like Wolverine and proceeds to murder her tormentors. "And then Jack of Blades interviews a true-anorexic in an intimate setting" the screen tells us. It then cuts to Jack of Blades sitting at the sidelines of the superbowl on a chair with a glass of water. The interviewee is off-screen.)
Jack of Blades: Your silence will only indite you further.
(The screen cuts to the person Jack of Blades is interviewing. It's a cardboard cut-out of some woman advertising Heinz Ketchup. Fade Out.)
(We open up on a gordy looking studio that seems to house a cheesy daytime talk show. Central to the camera is Jack of Blades. But gone is his trenchcoat and gone is his demonic smile. Instead of his usual Victorian attire is a modern pinstripe suit that is a predicate for all stereotypical journalists. His hair is gelled back so far that it has given him a pseudo-facelift. Instead of sunglasses, he is wearing thickly rimmed frames that suggest a degree of seriousness about the proceedings. He walks towards the camera.)
Jack of Blades: Anorexia. What is it? Who are they? What does it do? When will it happen? And, what does it have to do with Bill Gates? The answers. Here. Tonight.
(A cheap and colourful set of credits role by featuring some incredulous scenes in a montage. Tony Blair's head exploding. A cartoon embodiment of SARS fighting a giant duck with a thermometer coming out its beak, the semiotic of bird flu. This is obviously an attempt to mock the hightened worries of the media. The credits end and the studio is present again in a panning shot of the camera. It covers the audience before drawing itself to Jack, present on stage.)
Jack of Blades: Anorexia. That word conjures up a lot of different images when heard. Vomit. Sickness. Nicole Richie. And it is my duty as a host nay as a responsible citizen to tell you the facts on the disease that claims more American lives each year than the U.S. Army.
(A panel flashes on the screen saying Anorexia: The Facts. We return to Jack sitting on a leather office chair with a tall bourbon with ice.)
Anorexia. What you need to know to stay fat.
(He raises a solitary finger.)
1.) Anorexia is sexually transmitted.
(He raises another.)
2.) Anorexia is named after a small penisula of the coast off New Jersey where the illness derives from.
(Another finger.)
3.) 60% of people suffer from it.
(One more.)
4.) The illness is caused by a miscellaneous fist-shaped cell that tries to escape the body internally thus causing sickness. Here it is in all its gory glory.
(It simply plays the scene from the film 'Alien' where a chestburster rips it's way out of Kane's stomach. We return to Jack with his hand down his pants beating off.)
Oh, sorry.
(And again)
5.) Anorexia is the most infectious disease known to civilization. It could be in your workplace, at your school, in your car, at your doorstep, at every good newsagents, on your remote control, or on your loyal pet.
(A cat strolls across the screen and Jack notices it and responds by screaming. The audience joins in before Jack gets an axe from off-screen and pulls it over the animal before the camera cuts to the hysterical audience and blood splatters all over them. After the screaming stops, the camera cuts to Jack of Blades, smeared with claret, panting and flayed with fur.)
Jack of Blades: It's time to see the illness in its direst form as we hit the streets to find some of these neo-day lepers.
(The camera pans over some sort of town centre where their are numerous shops and by obvious degrees, shoppers. Suddenly, a hyphoned neologism appears on camera. Street Blading. It is then followed up with the appearance of 'with Jack of Blades.' They words come on in chronogical seperateness with each word being punctuated with a sound that seems like it is being stamped into the screen.)
(The camera turns to a man walking down a surburbian side-walk. He's an average man if a little slim. He's carrying a bag and he's whistling to himself. He's content. Content, if slim. A white van pulls up to the side of him. It has a slide-away door which opens revealing Jack headlined by his sound crew and a few camera-men. Jack spears the man to the floor and locks him in a Anaconda Vice.)
Jack of Blades: What you have here is your type A anorexic. Notice the pale complexion...
(Jack releases his grasp to slap the man across his face)
lack of reaction times...
(Jack pokes the guy in the eye.)
aversion to light...torch...
(A stage-hand passes Jack a torch. He uses it to shine light in his captive's eyes.)
chronic halitosis...
(Jack waves the air around his noses before pulling some mints out of nowhere and forcing them down the guy's throat.)
Captive Man: Who are you peo--?
(Jack shoves them down his throat and clasps his mouth shut)
Jack of Blades: The trick is because he is a anorexic, is to rub his neck and trace them down his gullet.
(He does so)
That's right. Keep it going.
(The man splutters forth managing to catch a breath)
Captive Man: bweh...leh...I'm not...I'm not...
Jack of Blades: Hungry? I know.
Captive Man: No, not anorexic. Not anorexic.
(Jack of Blades relinguishes his hold, adjusts his suit and stands up.)
Jack of Blades: Well, huh. Sorry for the inconveince, I mean if you had said before. Are you sure you're not anorexic? Have you had a blood test? Oh well, are you steadily sure? You're sure? Ok lads, back to cave. Yes Dave, we'll pick up some Chinese. Is that making him sick? Are you being sick because I mentioned Chinese?
(The Captive splutters.)
Captive Man: No I'm coughing because you choked me.
Jack of Blades: Well, you never know.
(He turns his back on the man he attacked and walks towards the van before turning back around and punching the grounded captive in the face.)
Jack of Blades: Just checking. Making sure.
(He turns his back and walks to the van while the man he attacked writhes in pain. Jack turns to the camera.)
Jack of Blades: Dave, how long where you taping for? Did you tape that? You bastard. Delete it. Delete it, you bastard.
(The camera relents from Jack as he rises to snatch it off Dave The Cameraman. The shot ends with Jack's gloved hand covering the lens.)
(The camera cuts back to Jack in the studio. He's eating a sandwich behind his vanished study. He looks at the camera.)
Jack of Blades: The percentage of anorexics that couldn't swallow this watercress and placenta sandwich is astronomical. And it's good placenta too. And looking around the audience, I see many people agree with me.
(He moves from his desk still carrying his sandwich and into the audience stands.)
Jack of Blades: Now, you see anorexia not only effects the sufferers gullet, oh no, it also drastically effects their sex life. It is now common for most people to actually want to fuck fat people more and more. Look at this.
(He climbs through the audience trampling many a member to confront an obese woman who must be taking up about four chairs.)
Jack of Blades: This is Trisha. 500lb Trisha. And she, yes she is my life partner and my most gentle lover except for Mr Sarowitz.
(He takes her hand and the crowd 'ahhhs' softly. The camera zooms to Jack's fan nodding contently before pulling back to see the overweight Trisha trying to consume Jack's hand.)
Jack of Blades: Now, Trisha, here, Trisha used to be close to anorexia. Until, I out of the kindness of my heart, picked her up off the streets and I locked her up in the loft. And every five minutes, I would go upstairs and beat her with a chicken, a whole roast chicken, before she succumb to temptation and devoured the poultry. Now, well, now look at her. She's sweats bacon grease and only one pint of blood manages to course its way through her cholestrol-encrusted veins within a day. And, we now share a terrific love-life where each night I come home with a suckling pig, cook it and we feast on its sweet carcus. And then, she picks up my quivering, naked body and lays me on the tiger-print mat by the fire-place and we make sweet, bone crushing love. Here's an example of our sexual exploits...
(He points to the screens placed around the studio and the camera cuts to the 'sex tape.' Jack is offscreen but his panting is audible. Trisha is at a fancy restaurant with a buffet. She is cramming and eating as much as she can.)
Jack of Blades: Ah, that's it...that's it...come on...more souffle...come on...the banana souffle...
(She obliges.)
Jack of Blades: That's it keep going. Don't stop. Don't stop. The clam chouder. Go for it, finish it, go on.
(The camera begins to shake as his panting becomes more rapid.)
Jack of Blades: Don't stop. Gorge. Gorge! GORGE!
(A waiter approaches and tells Trisha to stop. Jack stops his panting and the camera remains static. The waiter whispers for Trisha to stop and asks that the smiling-man stop making such a public exhibition. At this point, the camera falls to the floor and Jack tackles the waiter and places him in a Kimura armbar. The camera spins along the floor due to the impact to focus on Trisha climbing onto the table. Two more waiters try and grapple her but she overpowers them. One runs off-screen and returns with a rifle and fires a dart into her back. She swats him away.)
(The camera returns to the studio. The camera is so zoomed in that only Jack's smiling visage is apparent.)
Jack of Blades: Of course, not everyone leads such a normal carnal relationship as me and Trisha. There are those that are twisted in their tastes. There are those that are fixated on 'thin porn.' There are those perverted enough to consider anorexia a pre-requisite for loving.
(The camera zooms out and back onto the crowd to see Trisha in the process of devouring another member of the audience.)
(Another screen runs saying Jack-Talk. The camera opens up on a normal, average living room. A happy caucasian couple are sitted together holding hands and going over each other's engagement ring. The wife is average sized as is her bespecticled husband. Jack is off-camera to ask the questions.)
Jack of Blades: I'm here with the Andersons. This is Jim and this is Jennifer, his wife. A happily married couple and as I'm sure you'll have noticed by the frame of Mrs Anderson, that features an anorexic.
(We hear Jack spitting offscreen and it flies through the air and lands on Jennifer Anderson.)
Jack of Blades: So, tell me, you sick fuck, what first brought you to her?
Jim Anderson: Well, I was desperate really. And I thought that it wouldn't hurt. It wouldn't hurt as long as I withdrawed it before the climax. But then...sob...
(Mrs. Anderson bursts into tears and rests her head on his shoulder screaming in tears. Her husband calms her down.)
Jim Anderson: But, then Jennifer, then she told me that she was pregnant, and the baby came along and well...
Jack of Blades: And there were complications...?
Jim Anderson: Yes. She was different, Suzie was different...Suzie, come here...
(Suzie, their child, enters the scene. She is a 6'5 black man with pigtails. She's more muscular than Jack and heavily tattooed but she's wearing a pink top saying that 'Girls Want To Have Fun.' She sits down on the sofa with her parents. Jennifer Anderson extends the embrace to include her daughter and they have a family scene of emotions.)
Jim Anderson: You're still my baby daughter.
(The camera cuts away to a flickering screen saying next time...Jack takes the issue of anorexia to the senate. The camera cuts to a Texan senator screaming his mouth off.)
Texas Senator: Anorexia does not make the world work!
("Also, Jack of Blades deals with the legend that Anorexia sufferers have magical powers" the screen relays. It cuts to a stereotypical set of teen-bullies following a girl home shouting things like 'thinny' or 'vomit-woman.' She turns around and retracts metal claws from her fists like Wolverine and proceeds to murder her tormentors. "And then Jack of Blades interviews a true-anorexic in an intimate setting" the screen tells us. It then cuts to Jack of Blades sitting at the sidelines of the superbowl on a chair with a glass of water. The interviewee is off-screen.)
Jack of Blades: Your silence will only indite you further.
(The screen cuts to the person Jack of Blades is interviewing. It's a cardboard cut-out of some woman advertising Heinz Ketchup. Fade Out.)
