Post by Jack of Blades on Aug 24, 2006 17:16:34 GMT -5
(There are some odd examples of juxtaposition where two contradictory things are placed together in perfect harmony and create a holistic, fantastic entity. Bill Hicks and Tool. Peanut butter and jelly. Snakes and a planes. But the union of a 'Church' and 'The Bastard Clown', Jack of Blades does not result in such a happy marriage. And as we open up on the ornate pine alcove where the hidden interlocution of confession is taking place, the inclusion of Jack of Blades seems an impossibility. Blades looks more somber than usual as he waits for the panel to open so he can spill his wrongdoings to a person of the clergy. The camera tries to find some emotion in his face but the dark sunglasses shrouding his eyes prevent any such promotion of humanity. After the camera has given sufficient time for the audience to recognise the involvement of Jack of Blades and the setting of the confessional box, Blades brings a beer bottle to his lips and takes a large gulp before withdrawing it out of view. After a few seconds, he goes for another but as it meets his mouth, the panel opens from the other side causing Jack of Blades to throw the bottle behind his head which in turn makes it smash against the wall. Jack gives a smile towards the open panel as his pious converser begins to speak.)
Preacher: Bless you, child. How long has it been since your last confessional.
(The camera cuts to the other side of the confessional panel where the preacher is seated waiting for a detailed account of his parishoner's crimes.)
(Naturally, close to the panel.) Jack of Blades: Yeah. I'd like a Double Hamburger with Bacon, easy on the relish, extra tomatoes, no onions with a side of fries and could you pick all the sesame seeds off the bun. Thanks. I'll wait at Window Four.
(Incredulous.) Preacher: Do you dare jest and show such a lack of appreciation in the house of our lord, Jesus Christ?
Jack of Blades: Yeah, he doesn't really like humour in thinking about it. And to think, a guy who can turn water into wine. We could have some good times with that sort of voodoo.
(Returning to Jack of Blades side of the confessional panel.)
Preacher: Have you come here to confess or just mock the sacred scripture?
Jack of Blades: A little from Section A, a little from number two.
Preacher: I will not pardon someone who treats such matters with such degrees of mal--
(Interrupting.) Jack of Blades: Ok, I'll get on with it.
(The Preacher takes a large breath and returns to his attentive state. Jack takes a sigh as he is prompted by the Preacher.)
Jack of Blades: It's me again, God. Well, --
(Astonished.) Preacher: This is confession. Here you ask God for absolving the sins you have not admitted to, which you are doing now. You may pray outside of this box but not --
Jack of Blades: Stay with me, God.
(Fury rising.) Preacher: I'm not God!
Jack of Blades: Look, now I know we haven't talked since that incident with the monkeys in the nunery but how was I supposed to know that their turbins were extremely flammable.
(Defeated.) Preacher: Their called habits.
Jack of Blades: I am sorry. How was I supposed to know that their hobbits would go up like that? Anywho, I've got some trouble on my focus at the moment. Now, I know this isn't the best time to talk to you about troubles what with you worried about Mr. Gibson, but I'm sure that will sort itself out. The whole 'Tom Cruise' thing did. I mean yes, he may worship Darth Vader now but at least you don't have to act as if you enjoy his flacid performances. Moving on, it's about this 'Creeping Death' heretic who I've got to go against at Ultimate Showdown. Now, I'm not asking you to be my tag partner or anything, as if anyone would try that...
(Jack of Blades looks and winks directly at the camera before returning to the confessional panel.)
Jack of Blades: I just think I'm going to need a pick-me-up come Sunday. You see, I'm not used to all this hardcore stuff and I thought Jesus would know what with him being tied to the --
(The preacher coughs a reminder to reel Jack's rant back in.)
Jack of Blades: I mean, I thought, being a wrestler and all, that I would practice my skills at submissions and technical grappling, but silly me, I need to learn the finer points of hitting a trash can over my enemy's head. But, seeing, as how we've got a lot of history what with that incident at Sodom and Gammorah, I thought we could go over each other's battle strategies. I mean I noticed a few bad moves in yours...
(Jack lowers his tone as if to whisper from anybody hearing this but he and the almighty.)
Jack of Blades: Psst, the snake with perfect diction might not have been the best idea, but you know, it was original, so you don't lose any props for that...
(Returning to his usual erratic pitch.)
Jack of Blades: Anyway, I mean, you could lend a helping floating digit in dealing with this match. I mean honestly, it's just a birthmark, it's actually a six and two upside-down nines...
(A final clearing of the gullet by the Preacher to hurry his clown-like confessor.)
Jack of Blades: So, what I'm saying is maybe you give 'Creeping Death' a case of leprosy or something. Have his penis drop off like 'The Fly.' Turn him into a pile of strawberry sherbert...
Preacher: Ok...
Jack of Blades: Something along those lines. Well, your original, you can come up with a plot...
(Becoming indignant.) Preacher: I think you've --
Jack of Blades: I mean he did say that people with long hair are very usually gay. Just saying, I wouldn't want my demigod being talking about like that.
(Angered.) Preacher: Now, stop --
Jack of Blades: He said that he could make the world in two days as well. Go get him. I mean, don't worry that much about doing him. I've to talked to Xenu about it and he's gonna give him a case of mild indigestion or cursed alien spirits. I forget which one --
Preacher: Let us --
Jack of Blades: Make him a wookie. Go on. I mean, the ass needs it. He even stole my necrophilia schtick.
(Reached his end.) Preacher: Enough.
(Pausing.) Jack of Blades: And he says sandals were for those who like the pork sword.
(The camera cuts to the outside of the confession booth. Both doors swing open with the Preacher coming out first. He takes the scene in before saying 'sorry.' Jack steps from the door as well and loudly shouts that he is 'bloody sorry.' The camera pauses for a few seconds before revealing the rest of the church's audience. Every space is filled with astonished onlookers, all adorned in hats and colourful attire. The camera cuts to the church's peak where a bride is in hysterical tears and her future husband tries to comfort her. The camera then turns to a groomsman who throws a small load of confetti to break the tension before he is stopped by a stern expression from his female counterpart. The camera sees Jack leave the church and as he reaches the outside, burst into his familiar bout of riotous chuckle.)
OOC: Edited to fix some spelling mistakes.
Preacher: Bless you, child. How long has it been since your last confessional.
(The camera cuts to the other side of the confessional panel where the preacher is seated waiting for a detailed account of his parishoner's crimes.)
(Naturally, close to the panel.) Jack of Blades: Yeah. I'd like a Double Hamburger with Bacon, easy on the relish, extra tomatoes, no onions with a side of fries and could you pick all the sesame seeds off the bun. Thanks. I'll wait at Window Four.
(Incredulous.) Preacher: Do you dare jest and show such a lack of appreciation in the house of our lord, Jesus Christ?
Jack of Blades: Yeah, he doesn't really like humour in thinking about it. And to think, a guy who can turn water into wine. We could have some good times with that sort of voodoo.
(Returning to Jack of Blades side of the confessional panel.)
Preacher: Have you come here to confess or just mock the sacred scripture?
Jack of Blades: A little from Section A, a little from number two.
Preacher: I will not pardon someone who treats such matters with such degrees of mal--
(Interrupting.) Jack of Blades: Ok, I'll get on with it.
(The Preacher takes a large breath and returns to his attentive state. Jack takes a sigh as he is prompted by the Preacher.)
Jack of Blades: It's me again, God. Well, --
(Astonished.) Preacher: This is confession. Here you ask God for absolving the sins you have not admitted to, which you are doing now. You may pray outside of this box but not --
Jack of Blades: Stay with me, God.
(Fury rising.) Preacher: I'm not God!
Jack of Blades: Look, now I know we haven't talked since that incident with the monkeys in the nunery but how was I supposed to know that their turbins were extremely flammable.
(Defeated.) Preacher: Their called habits.
Jack of Blades: I am sorry. How was I supposed to know that their hobbits would go up like that? Anywho, I've got some trouble on my focus at the moment. Now, I know this isn't the best time to talk to you about troubles what with you worried about Mr. Gibson, but I'm sure that will sort itself out. The whole 'Tom Cruise' thing did. I mean yes, he may worship Darth Vader now but at least you don't have to act as if you enjoy his flacid performances. Moving on, it's about this 'Creeping Death' heretic who I've got to go against at Ultimate Showdown. Now, I'm not asking you to be my tag partner or anything, as if anyone would try that...
(Jack of Blades looks and winks directly at the camera before returning to the confessional panel.)
Jack of Blades: I just think I'm going to need a pick-me-up come Sunday. You see, I'm not used to all this hardcore stuff and I thought Jesus would know what with him being tied to the --
(The preacher coughs a reminder to reel Jack's rant back in.)
Jack of Blades: I mean, I thought, being a wrestler and all, that I would practice my skills at submissions and technical grappling, but silly me, I need to learn the finer points of hitting a trash can over my enemy's head. But, seeing, as how we've got a lot of history what with that incident at Sodom and Gammorah, I thought we could go over each other's battle strategies. I mean I noticed a few bad moves in yours...
(Jack lowers his tone as if to whisper from anybody hearing this but he and the almighty.)
Jack of Blades: Psst, the snake with perfect diction might not have been the best idea, but you know, it was original, so you don't lose any props for that...
(Returning to his usual erratic pitch.)
Jack of Blades: Anyway, I mean, you could lend a helping floating digit in dealing with this match. I mean honestly, it's just a birthmark, it's actually a six and two upside-down nines...
(A final clearing of the gullet by the Preacher to hurry his clown-like confessor.)
Jack of Blades: So, what I'm saying is maybe you give 'Creeping Death' a case of leprosy or something. Have his penis drop off like 'The Fly.' Turn him into a pile of strawberry sherbert...
Preacher: Ok...
Jack of Blades: Something along those lines. Well, your original, you can come up with a plot...
(Becoming indignant.) Preacher: I think you've --
Jack of Blades: I mean he did say that people with long hair are very usually gay. Just saying, I wouldn't want my demigod being talking about like that.
(Angered.) Preacher: Now, stop --
Jack of Blades: He said that he could make the world in two days as well. Go get him. I mean, don't worry that much about doing him. I've to talked to Xenu about it and he's gonna give him a case of mild indigestion or cursed alien spirits. I forget which one --
Preacher: Let us --
Jack of Blades: Make him a wookie. Go on. I mean, the ass needs it. He even stole my necrophilia schtick.
(Reached his end.) Preacher: Enough.
(Pausing.) Jack of Blades: And he says sandals were for those who like the pork sword.
(The camera cuts to the outside of the confession booth. Both doors swing open with the Preacher coming out first. He takes the scene in before saying 'sorry.' Jack steps from the door as well and loudly shouts that he is 'bloody sorry.' The camera pauses for a few seconds before revealing the rest of the church's audience. Every space is filled with astonished onlookers, all adorned in hats and colourful attire. The camera cuts to the church's peak where a bride is in hysterical tears and her future husband tries to comfort her. The camera then turns to a groomsman who throws a small load of confetti to break the tension before he is stopped by a stern expression from his female counterpart. The camera sees Jack leave the church and as he reaches the outside, burst into his familiar bout of riotous chuckle.)
OOC: Edited to fix some spelling mistakes.
