Post by Biggs on Jul 21, 2007 18:27:49 GMT -5
The clock above the entertainment stand reads half past six in the morning. Opposite the entertainment stand is the couch, which is JJ Biggs' location. He has the remote to the television in his right hand and he has it pointed at the television. His mouth is hung open and he's staring without blinking at the television. He's continuously flipping through the channels, not even stopping to see what's on. He's not a sleep, but it doesn't look like he's much awake either.
Suddenly, there is a loud pounding on his front door. The man outside is banging his fists on the door and he's kicking it with his boots. Biggs sucks up the excess saliva and he blinks rapidly. He drops the remote and he rubs his eyes before looking over at the door. The pounding is still going on so he quickly makes his way over to the door and he opens it.
JJ Biggs: What the fuck is your problem?
Jose Jose: BIGGSIE! It's me! Jose Jose!
JJ Biggs: No, Jose Jose was a Mexican.
Jose Jose: I am a Mexican!
JJ Biggs: No, you're white.
Jose Jose: No, it's paint!
JJ Biggs: Oh, I thought you looked pale. Wait, what kind of an idiot would paint themselves white?
Jose Jose: I'll explain to you inside!
JJ Biggs: Oh. Uh, okay. Shut the door.
JJ turns around and he walks back over to the couch. Jose looks left and right before going inside and slamming the door shut. He goes over to a recliner next to the couch, but JJ motions for him to stop.
JJ Biggs: Fuck no. You remember the rule. You don't get to sit on any of my furniture.
Jose Jose: But I took a shower!
JJ Biggs: I don't care. You have a permanent stink. I don't know what it is, but it's already burning my nostrils. So, sit your ass down on the floor and explain to me why the hell you painted yourself white.
Jose Jose sighs before sitting down on the floor. He scratches his face and a few paint shaving fall onto the floor.
Jose Jose: Okay. Well, I was tired of the way you and Jake was treating me. So, I decided to go out on my own. I want to be a wrestler, you know that, so that's what I decided to do. I joined a small promotion that has their shows in the basement of City Hall.
JJ Biggs: Two questions: When the hell did your English get so good? And, you wrestled in City Hall?
Jose Jose: I had to blend in, my friend! For three weeks, seven days a week, I took English lessons from an amigo of mine. And, yes, we did. In fact, the Mayor was the company's World Champion!
JJ Biggs: Hah, this city is a joke. Anyway, carry on.
Jose Jose: I had to change my name. I mean, "Jose Jose" isn't a name a white person would use. So, I changed my name and I even came up with a catch phrase! I always admired yours, so here's what I came up with: "They call me...Taco J."
JJ Biggs: Wait a second. You changed your name from Jose Jose to Taco J? You honestly thought that sounded more like a name a white person would have? You may be able to pass for a pale white person until they hear some of your ideas...
Jose Jose: See! It's stuff like that that made Jose Jose leave! Why is everyone always mean to me?
JJ Biggs: Shut the hell up and finish your story.
Jose Jose: Fine, punto. So, my plan worked out just fine for a few weeks. I would paint myself before every match. But one opponent made me work too hard and I was sweating more than usual. The paint started to come off a bit, and by the end of the match, it was terrible! The Mayor, who was surrounded by pretty much every beautiful woman in the basement, stood up and pointed while yelling: "MEXICANO! CALL FUCKING IMMIGRATION! MEXICANO IN MY DAMN BUILDING."
JJ Biggs: That bastard! Only Jake and I can threaten you with immigration!
Jose Jose: Oh, his wasn't a threat. That's why I showed up here this morning. I've been running from them all night long! BIGGSIE, you have to help me!
JJ Biggs: You call me that one more time, I will have to show you the way out of my home..
Jose Jose: I'm sorry, but can--
At that point, a pounding at the door, almost similar to the pounding Jose Jose was doing earlier, interrupts Jose in mid-sentence. Jose Jose looks around for a minute and then he crawls over and he gets on his knees in front of Biggs and practically begs him to help. JJ looks at the door and then at his ridiculous Mexican friend before getting to his feet.
JJ Biggs: Listen, I want you to go into the bathroom and wait there. You better hope they don't offer me a reward or something because I won't hesitate when it comes to money.
Jose Jose: I will never forget this, amigo.
JJ Biggs: Go do what I said, idiot. Also, don't sit on my toilet, you might....leave some kind of foreign disease on it or something. If you have to take a shit while you're waiting in there, then in your hand and then eat it or something.
Jose Jose: WHAT?!
JJ Biggs: I'm just kidding! But seriously, don't sit your dirty ass on my toilet seat.
Jose Jose: Okay..
Biggs waves Jose off and he takes off down the hallway. Once Biggs hears the door shut, he then makes his way over to the front door and he opens it slowly.
JJ Biggs: Yes?
Immigration Person #1: Hello. My partner and I work with the Miami district of Immigration and we were wondering if you've seen a very pale man anywhere on this street? We lost him on this street somewhere.
JJ has been ignoring every word the man said as his gaze is fixated on the second employee. He has a grin on his face as he finally says something.
JJ Biggs: That's odd. I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican working for Immigration.
Immigration Person #2: Hey, fuck you, buddy. Answer my friend. He asked you if you've seen a pale man, buddy.
JJ Biggs: I'm not your buddy, "buddy." The only pale man I've seen is your partner, "buddy."
Immigration Person #1: Hey, why did you have to go and insult me like that? I try to get some sun.
JJ Biggs: I bet you do.
Immigration Person #2: Listen, buddy, have you seen him or not?
JJ Biggs: I just said I haven't.
Immigration Person #2: Okay, buddy, okay. If you hear anything, buddy, give us a call.
JJ Biggs: If I did have reason to call, would I need a translator in case another foreign person answered the telephone?
Immigration Person #2: Hey, stop being a dick, buddy.
Immigration Person #1: Look, I think we're done here. Thank you for your cooperation. Have a nice day.
JJ Biggs: You guys have a good one too. Keep up the nice work! Half the fucking population is illegal!
Immigration Person #2: Fuck off, buddy!
Biggs flips both men off, but because they are walking away, neither of them saw it. He slams the door shut and he yells for Jose Jose. Moments later, Jose Jose appears and he runs up and hugs JJ. Biggs manages to throw him on the ground.
JJ Biggs: What the hell is your problem?
Jose Jose: I'm happy! Jose Jose is happy!
JJ Biggs: If you're happy, go back in the bathroom, take care of it, and then come back.
Jose Jose: Ah, BIGGSIE, always the jokester!
JJ Biggs: FUCK OFF WITH THE BIGGSIE!
Jose Jose: Sorry, amigo.
JJ Biggs: You're always sorry. You're like a little child who says he sorry for every fucking thing he does. It gets annoying!
Biggs sighs before plopping back down on the couch. He grabs the television and he once again starts flipping through the channels. Jose Jose fixates his attention on the television for a second, before turning back to Biggs.
Jose Jose: Say, do you still wrestle?
JJ Biggs: Yeah. I had my first match last week and my second match of my return is tomorrow. Speaking of which, I should have already gotten on the plane. Oh well, I'll still make it there in time.
Jose Jose: Can I go?! Please!?! Let me go!!
JJ Biggs: Are you an idiot? You have to lay-low. Immigration is looking for you! You're lucky I'm going to let you stay here for a few days.
Jose Jose: Wow, I can stay here? GRACIAS!
JJ Biggs: Now, I know there are many, many, many Mexican prostitutes in Miami, but you better not think of having any of them over here while I'm out of town. You understand?
Jose Jose: Jose understands! Oh, oh, oh, who are you facing tomorrow? HUH? WHO?
JJ Biggs: Calm the fuck down. Damn. Anyway. I'm. Facing. Mike Ragnal. And. Dave Holland. Also. My. Partner. Is. Torture.
Jose Jose: It took you like five minutes to tell me!
JJ Biggs: I'm trying to watch SportsCenter. You just need to be happy I'm actually still talking to you.
Jose Jose: Well, it's a commercial now, anyway. So, fill me in! FILL ME IN! GAMEPLAN! I want to know!
JJ Biggs: What?
Jose Jose: I want to know! About the match! ABOUT THE MATCH! Your opponents, are they good? The match, will it be easy?
JJ Biggs: Oh, okay. Well, I don't know. I'm a bit rusty, but I think I got rid of most of the rust with my match last week. Uh, I'm sure you're aware that Torture is a good wrestler, so I'm going into this match with an excellent partner. I don't know exactly what you're wanting to know?
Jose Jose: I want to be like....your personal interviewer! THOUGHTS! I want your thoughts! What has Ragnal or Holland said this week that has just gotten under your skin? YOUR SKIN!?!?!?
JJ Biggs: Did you drink some bleach or something while you were in the bathroom? You're hyper and you're being an annoying little bitch.
Jose Jose: No, I'm just curious. CURIOUS!
JJ Biggs: Okay. Well, I guess it will be beneficial to me to discuss this with you so you'll shut the hell up. I haven't really taken the time to listen to anything the two of them have said. I still have the same opinion of Holland, as I haven't even gotten around to watching any of his past matches. I don't think I need to anyway. Ragnal, even though he's been defeated by me in the past, has improved quite a bit. I watched him wrestling a little while ago while I was at home. It was a nice match he had, but I don't think he's anywhere near my level or Torture's level. In fact, I don't think Holland and Ragnal's talent combined could even match mine alone. It's not that I think they suck, it's just that they're good..not great. I think my accomplishments during my tenure in this company shows just how great I really am.
That said, I am going to say one last thing...Every dog as its day, Jose. Tomorrow just happens to be Ragnal's and Holland's.
Biggs looks down from the television and Jose Jose has fallen asleep. Biggs' shakes his head before looking back up at the television.
JJ Biggs: Prick.
Suddenly, there is a loud pounding on his front door. The man outside is banging his fists on the door and he's kicking it with his boots. Biggs sucks up the excess saliva and he blinks rapidly. He drops the remote and he rubs his eyes before looking over at the door. The pounding is still going on so he quickly makes his way over to the door and he opens it.
JJ Biggs: What the fuck is your problem?
Jose Jose: BIGGSIE! It's me! Jose Jose!
JJ Biggs: No, Jose Jose was a Mexican.
Jose Jose: I am a Mexican!
JJ Biggs: No, you're white.
Jose Jose: No, it's paint!
JJ Biggs: Oh, I thought you looked pale. Wait, what kind of an idiot would paint themselves white?
Jose Jose: I'll explain to you inside!
JJ Biggs: Oh. Uh, okay. Shut the door.
JJ turns around and he walks back over to the couch. Jose looks left and right before going inside and slamming the door shut. He goes over to a recliner next to the couch, but JJ motions for him to stop.
JJ Biggs: Fuck no. You remember the rule. You don't get to sit on any of my furniture.
Jose Jose: But I took a shower!
JJ Biggs: I don't care. You have a permanent stink. I don't know what it is, but it's already burning my nostrils. So, sit your ass down on the floor and explain to me why the hell you painted yourself white.
Jose Jose sighs before sitting down on the floor. He scratches his face and a few paint shaving fall onto the floor.
Jose Jose: Okay. Well, I was tired of the way you and Jake was treating me. So, I decided to go out on my own. I want to be a wrestler, you know that, so that's what I decided to do. I joined a small promotion that has their shows in the basement of City Hall.
JJ Biggs: Two questions: When the hell did your English get so good? And, you wrestled in City Hall?
Jose Jose: I had to blend in, my friend! For three weeks, seven days a week, I took English lessons from an amigo of mine. And, yes, we did. In fact, the Mayor was the company's World Champion!
JJ Biggs: Hah, this city is a joke. Anyway, carry on.
Jose Jose: I had to change my name. I mean, "Jose Jose" isn't a name a white person would use. So, I changed my name and I even came up with a catch phrase! I always admired yours, so here's what I came up with: "They call me...Taco J."
JJ Biggs: Wait a second. You changed your name from Jose Jose to Taco J? You honestly thought that sounded more like a name a white person would have? You may be able to pass for a pale white person until they hear some of your ideas...
Jose Jose: See! It's stuff like that that made Jose Jose leave! Why is everyone always mean to me?
JJ Biggs: Shut the hell up and finish your story.
Jose Jose: Fine, punto. So, my plan worked out just fine for a few weeks. I would paint myself before every match. But one opponent made me work too hard and I was sweating more than usual. The paint started to come off a bit, and by the end of the match, it was terrible! The Mayor, who was surrounded by pretty much every beautiful woman in the basement, stood up and pointed while yelling: "MEXICANO! CALL FUCKING IMMIGRATION! MEXICANO IN MY DAMN BUILDING."
JJ Biggs: That bastard! Only Jake and I can threaten you with immigration!
Jose Jose: Oh, his wasn't a threat. That's why I showed up here this morning. I've been running from them all night long! BIGGSIE, you have to help me!
JJ Biggs: You call me that one more time, I will have to show you the way out of my home..
Jose Jose: I'm sorry, but can--
At that point, a pounding at the door, almost similar to the pounding Jose Jose was doing earlier, interrupts Jose in mid-sentence. Jose Jose looks around for a minute and then he crawls over and he gets on his knees in front of Biggs and practically begs him to help. JJ looks at the door and then at his ridiculous Mexican friend before getting to his feet.
JJ Biggs: Listen, I want you to go into the bathroom and wait there. You better hope they don't offer me a reward or something because I won't hesitate when it comes to money.
Jose Jose: I will never forget this, amigo.
JJ Biggs: Go do what I said, idiot. Also, don't sit on my toilet, you might....leave some kind of foreign disease on it or something. If you have to take a shit while you're waiting in there, then in your hand and then eat it or something.
Jose Jose: WHAT?!
JJ Biggs: I'm just kidding! But seriously, don't sit your dirty ass on my toilet seat.
Jose Jose: Okay..
Biggs waves Jose off and he takes off down the hallway. Once Biggs hears the door shut, he then makes his way over to the front door and he opens it slowly.
JJ Biggs: Yes?
Immigration Person #1: Hello. My partner and I work with the Miami district of Immigration and we were wondering if you've seen a very pale man anywhere on this street? We lost him on this street somewhere.
JJ has been ignoring every word the man said as his gaze is fixated on the second employee. He has a grin on his face as he finally says something.
JJ Biggs: That's odd. I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican working for Immigration.
Immigration Person #2: Hey, fuck you, buddy. Answer my friend. He asked you if you've seen a pale man, buddy.
JJ Biggs: I'm not your buddy, "buddy." The only pale man I've seen is your partner, "buddy."
Immigration Person #1: Hey, why did you have to go and insult me like that? I try to get some sun.
JJ Biggs: I bet you do.
Immigration Person #2: Listen, buddy, have you seen him or not?
JJ Biggs: I just said I haven't.
Immigration Person #2: Okay, buddy, okay. If you hear anything, buddy, give us a call.
JJ Biggs: If I did have reason to call, would I need a translator in case another foreign person answered the telephone?
Immigration Person #2: Hey, stop being a dick, buddy.
Immigration Person #1: Look, I think we're done here. Thank you for your cooperation. Have a nice day.
JJ Biggs: You guys have a good one too. Keep up the nice work! Half the fucking population is illegal!
Immigration Person #2: Fuck off, buddy!
Biggs flips both men off, but because they are walking away, neither of them saw it. He slams the door shut and he yells for Jose Jose. Moments later, Jose Jose appears and he runs up and hugs JJ. Biggs manages to throw him on the ground.
JJ Biggs: What the hell is your problem?
Jose Jose: I'm happy! Jose Jose is happy!
JJ Biggs: If you're happy, go back in the bathroom, take care of it, and then come back.
Jose Jose: Ah, BIGGSIE, always the jokester!
JJ Biggs: FUCK OFF WITH THE BIGGSIE!
Jose Jose: Sorry, amigo.
JJ Biggs: You're always sorry. You're like a little child who says he sorry for every fucking thing he does. It gets annoying!
Biggs sighs before plopping back down on the couch. He grabs the television and he once again starts flipping through the channels. Jose Jose fixates his attention on the television for a second, before turning back to Biggs.
Jose Jose: Say, do you still wrestle?
JJ Biggs: Yeah. I had my first match last week and my second match of my return is tomorrow. Speaking of which, I should have already gotten on the plane. Oh well, I'll still make it there in time.
Jose Jose: Can I go?! Please!?! Let me go!!
JJ Biggs: Are you an idiot? You have to lay-low. Immigration is looking for you! You're lucky I'm going to let you stay here for a few days.
Jose Jose: Wow, I can stay here? GRACIAS!
JJ Biggs: Now, I know there are many, many, many Mexican prostitutes in Miami, but you better not think of having any of them over here while I'm out of town. You understand?
Jose Jose: Jose understands! Oh, oh, oh, who are you facing tomorrow? HUH? WHO?
JJ Biggs: Calm the fuck down. Damn. Anyway. I'm. Facing. Mike Ragnal. And. Dave Holland. Also. My. Partner. Is. Torture.
Jose Jose: It took you like five minutes to tell me!
JJ Biggs: I'm trying to watch SportsCenter. You just need to be happy I'm actually still talking to you.
Jose Jose: Well, it's a commercial now, anyway. So, fill me in! FILL ME IN! GAMEPLAN! I want to know!
JJ Biggs: What?
Jose Jose: I want to know! About the match! ABOUT THE MATCH! Your opponents, are they good? The match, will it be easy?
JJ Biggs: Oh, okay. Well, I don't know. I'm a bit rusty, but I think I got rid of most of the rust with my match last week. Uh, I'm sure you're aware that Torture is a good wrestler, so I'm going into this match with an excellent partner. I don't know exactly what you're wanting to know?
Jose Jose: I want to be like....your personal interviewer! THOUGHTS! I want your thoughts! What has Ragnal or Holland said this week that has just gotten under your skin? YOUR SKIN!?!?!?
JJ Biggs: Did you drink some bleach or something while you were in the bathroom? You're hyper and you're being an annoying little bitch.
Jose Jose: No, I'm just curious. CURIOUS!
JJ Biggs: Okay. Well, I guess it will be beneficial to me to discuss this with you so you'll shut the hell up. I haven't really taken the time to listen to anything the two of them have said. I still have the same opinion of Holland, as I haven't even gotten around to watching any of his past matches. I don't think I need to anyway. Ragnal, even though he's been defeated by me in the past, has improved quite a bit. I watched him wrestling a little while ago while I was at home. It was a nice match he had, but I don't think he's anywhere near my level or Torture's level. In fact, I don't think Holland and Ragnal's talent combined could even match mine alone. It's not that I think they suck, it's just that they're good..not great. I think my accomplishments during my tenure in this company shows just how great I really am.
That said, I am going to say one last thing...Every dog as its day, Jose. Tomorrow just happens to be Ragnal's and Holland's.
Biggs looks down from the television and Jose Jose has fallen asleep. Biggs' shakes his head before looking back up at the television.
JJ Biggs: Prick.
