Explosion RP Feedback (PLEASE!)

[Speede]

Just wondering what everyone is thinking of my RPs for Explosion.

[Jason Cashe]

In all truth, you remind me of how I approached things when I was starting out. You put alot into the promo, more so than needed at times but against Obi and Green it's needed. You also spent little time mocking me when your opponents are not Jason Kash. (I'll get at you later rp wise)

The Parodies Rp is probably one of your best thus far though. Still gonna be a tough match..

[Speede]

Thanks, Kash! I appreciate you letting me know.

(But yes, I'd expect you to return the rips I made against you. I guess it's kind of a "thanks" for working with Shane, and a "thanks" for intervening last week)

[bishop]

I'll start with con so we can end positively. This is for

PARODIES RP2

CON's

1. Odd spacing. sometimes you'll just say a sentence and then move on to a prgh then speak another sentence.

(EX. Roy Speede: You may think that all you want, Nolan, but I am certain they can’t provide glory for all the guys in that group.

Take for example their originals; First they had Knuckles, Bishop, and Kash. Kash hung around here with a few other guys in the WCF, and the others fought their way through hell elsewhere. Now that they’re here, they still have another fella on the team; his name is Shane Borderland. How are they going to provide the glory and fame they all could achieve if they were separated, I ask you? How?

First things first, Jason Kash is going to have to successfully defend his Television Title against two rookies. That doesn’t sound too hard, but then again, a triple threat match is never easy. )


- try and combined all that. the way its space, i wana take it for a really long pause an idk what your true intentions are but try not to do that because it throws off your flow and adds unneccisery space to your rp

2.) you grouped your two matches into one rp. where it stands in this one, its a bit too long and with the odd flow and spacing, it may make readers disinclined to finish it, or even read it.

3. ) theres not much depth in shoot. You should really go after your opponents, epecially for have 2 belts. wheres the pride and betterment in that? It sounded like not only were you trying to convince the reader that you should retain but also yourself.

4. ) your scene " Fade in and fade out." Theres nothing wrong with fading a scene to black, its simple and direct but to just have a character talk and fade looks odd.

( EX Roy Speede: I’ve worked too long and too hard to fall short. I won’t let my teammates down, and I won’t let myself down.

The scene fades to black. )

- its abrupt and cuts the reader off of any lasting emotional invovlement.





PRO's

1.) parodies were good an enjoyable

2.) you do get a good sense of character development

3.) Your scene set up is nice though if you want a better vocabulay.. look up the thesarus online and type in a waord that you want say " dark" and it'll give you related words which will add more punch to your scenes an even your diologue.

4.) I really like your color coding. to have character name in the defualt green and tier speech in the assigned color, really makes you want to pay attention to the character, it catches the eye.



THOUGHTS

This was a very enjoyable rp when you move past the small stuff. You have a ton of potential to grow into a very hard hitting force, if you allow the character to do so. It was a tad long and seemed a tad jumbled but all minor things.

HOWEVER

as I know all too well, minor things can cost you big. this would have been a great first rp ( i havent read your first but i will ) because it lays a good foundation to really set up something either more comical or hard hitting. It was good over all but i think it was placed wrong in your RP "timeline".


VERDICT

fix those small structure errors and dig into your opponent more. You are a double champion- start acting like it. even if you lose one of your belts.. act like your the best because thats what the title means. If you keep only your tag, really drive that home because theres little in the way of tag teams so you can play that up till you go blue in the face an it'll make you look like a million bucks if you play it correctly. Do more to plore your characters shoot potential and confidence and he'll look so much more threating and believable.

Rating: 3/5

[Doc Henry]

Nice dissection Nate....

You said what I wanted better then I could..

[Speede]

Thanks guys!