Post by Lawnmower Jones on Aug 21, 2006 23:32:56 GMT -5
Last time on MacGyvvvvver!
(The scene opens up where we last left off.)
(Chubbs stops in front of a black stretch limo. The license plates are Scottish, with the numbers reading "Rateman". Jones and Lonnie seem in shock as Chubbs opens up the trunk. The back door of the limo slowly opens from the inside, swinging to the outside. All we see is a white man's hand with a black suit arm stretch out holding the handle.)
Man's voice: (Deep, Scottish, husky) Come in, Mr. Jones. It's very nice to see you again.
(Jones' chin is down to his knees. Something inside the limo is shocking to him. Obviously, the audience is in anticipation of what it is.)
Man's Voice: Well, are you just going to stand there? Or are you going to come in?
(The scene fades out to a commercial break.)
(A man wearing neon orange shorts and a white tank top is on the screen, smiling maniacally. He has brown Richard Simmons hair, and is in front of a white back drop. He has a white bottle of something called "Hair Elixir" in his hand. When he speaks, he talks like Michael Jackson, except with more energy.)
Man: Hello everyone! I'm Craaaaazzzzzzzy Davey! I'm the owner, inventor, spokesperson, and tryer outer of the "Hair Elixir"! The "Hair Elixir" is a formula of grains, minerals, and a bunch of other gooey-manooey. I guarantee that this formula will help you grow hair beyond your wildest imaginations! Don't believe me, your friend, Craaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzy Davey? Well then, check out some testi-balonies!
(An older, middle aged white male wearing a long sleeve blue dress shirt and an obvious black wig is on the screen. He has black bags under his eyes from sleep deprivation. He looks scared.)
Person: I tried "Hair Elixir" when I was stressed out from a new job. It helped me grow hair beyond my wildest imaginations. Try it.
(The scene cuts back to Craaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzy Davey wearing big, thick glasses and a professor's coat. He has a pointer in one hand and is pointing at a chart, which has a red line going up and down.)
CD: You see, the most common cause of premature hair loss for a male is not enough quality time spent with your hair! But hey, how many people actually have enough time to spend with their hair? No one, that’s who! Unless of course you're a male sitting on death row for murder, but of course, that’s a whole other story! Hehe!
(Davey giggles to himself.)
CD: I knew that I was unattractive to all those guys out there, and hey, even those select few ladies. I mean, you can't choose right, just need to bring the heat. Oops, off topic! He he! Anyways, I had no hair! I didn’t have enough time or energy to spend with my hair! So in my spare time, I set out to invent a shortcut for spending time with your hair! It's the "Hair Elixir"! It's simple, all you do is rub it on in a shower, I wish I was there, and leave for ten minutes! Do this three times a day for a month, and vaila, hair!!! So if you want hair, call now! Only $29.99 a bottle! Use a credit card and get a free sponge!
(On the screen comes a number. 1-800-382-5968. Crazy Davey is now jumping up and down while the camera is shaking.)
CD: Remember to call!!
(The commercial ends.)
(The scene comes back in with Jones and Lonnie both in the limo. It is obviously going, as all three are bumping occasionally from the road. Jones is looking at an unfamiliar man next to him, wearing a black suit, bald head, and one eyeglass that is strung around from his neck. Jones has a shocked look on his face and is pointing at the man. The man stares at Jones with a blank expression.)[/i]
LJ: You! You're….You're…..You're-
Man: Yes, go on.
LJ: You're Regis Philbin!
(The man now has a let down look on his face.)
Man: No, I'm not Regis Philbin. I'm-
LJ: That's my final answer.
(Jones gives an Urkel laugh, followed by a snort.)
Man: Now, Mr. Jones, I'm not Regis Philbin. I'm Dudley Scott Walters the VIII-owner and CEO of the Entertainment Scottish Produced Network, AKA ESPN.
(Jones gasps. A shocked look comes across his face as the "Dun dun dun" in all mystery movies is heard from out of nowhere. Jones' face shortly returns to normal.)
LJ: ESPN, eh? I'm not that easy to fool, Mr. Eight. Let's see some ESPN personnel ID cards.
(Eight pulls out an ID card, with an Asian boy's picture on it. Jones nods his head in approvement after seeing the card.)
Eight: Mr. Jones, for some reason, the Scottish nation loves you. I have a theory it is because you represent the normal Scottish man-stupid. Yet somehow, you've found a way to make yourself useful in this world-entertainment. Now, being the big businessman that I am, I will exploit you for what you're worth and will rape you and forcefully cram your image down the average Scot's throat until they beg for mercy because they no longer can afford to pay the food bill and must panhandle their way out of starvation, then revolt when they find out this is all your doing and make you into public enemy number one-figuratively speaking.
(Jones nods his head and acts like he understands. A retarded eight year old can see that Jones has no idea what Eight just said.)
LJ: So what do you want from me?
(Eight rolls his eyes and repositions himself in the limo.)
Eight: In idiot terms, I want to hire you.
(Jones awes to show he understands. Jones whispers to Lonnie.)
LJ: Shh! Big boys are talking!
(Jones looks back at Eight and the two share a stare for a moment. Eight, seeing that asking questions will just cause problems, shakes off the notion to ask Jones about his lawnmower.)
Eight: The fans love you, Jones. Ever since they found out that you will be competing for the TV title, Nate Nytro shirts have been burned all throughout the town.
LJ: Damn right I'm going to burn Nytro! I'm going to take the title and give it some honor!
Eight: (Paying no attention) And your friend, Logan. He has become to the Scot's what Hassellhoff is to the Germans.
LJ: Logan is the greatest thing to ever grace a WCF ring! He will absolutely kill Torture and regain what is rightfully his!
Eight: (Filing nails) Yes, of course. Anyways, my associates and I have prepared a brief business meeting in which we would like to present you with an opportunity to become the biggest star in the history of Scotland. Would that interest you?
LJ: Is there cheese?
Eight: Only goat.
(Jones' window manually rolls down. Outside, on the overcast day, we see a huge, monstrous looking castle. Water fountains are in the front, with stone elephants spitting water from their trunks. The grass is perfectly manicured, which catches Jones' attention. As the limo passes into the roundabout driveway, he is fascinated by the artistically cut bush giraffe.)
LJ: Look at the artistic creation! The angles are beautiful!
Eight: Yes, all fine and dandy. You and your uh, wife, will be staying in the master suite. We have a presentation prepared in two hours. Be there, or be dead.
(The Scottish National Anthem plays as we get a bird's eye view of the limo stopping. The whole lot is huge, probably the size of an amusement park. We see basketball courts, tennis courts, a golf course, a large pool, and a driveway full of expensive luxuries. The scene slowly fades to black.)
(The scene opens up where we last left off.)
(Chubbs stops in front of a black stretch limo. The license plates are Scottish, with the numbers reading "Rateman". Jones and Lonnie seem in shock as Chubbs opens up the trunk. The back door of the limo slowly opens from the inside, swinging to the outside. All we see is a white man's hand with a black suit arm stretch out holding the handle.)
Man's voice: (Deep, Scottish, husky) Come in, Mr. Jones. It's very nice to see you again.
(Jones' chin is down to his knees. Something inside the limo is shocking to him. Obviously, the audience is in anticipation of what it is.)
Man's Voice: Well, are you just going to stand there? Or are you going to come in?
(The scene fades out to a commercial break.)
(A man wearing neon orange shorts and a white tank top is on the screen, smiling maniacally. He has brown Richard Simmons hair, and is in front of a white back drop. He has a white bottle of something called "Hair Elixir" in his hand. When he speaks, he talks like Michael Jackson, except with more energy.)
Man: Hello everyone! I'm Craaaaazzzzzzzy Davey! I'm the owner, inventor, spokesperson, and tryer outer of the "Hair Elixir"! The "Hair Elixir" is a formula of grains, minerals, and a bunch of other gooey-manooey. I guarantee that this formula will help you grow hair beyond your wildest imaginations! Don't believe me, your friend, Craaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzy Davey? Well then, check out some testi-balonies!
(An older, middle aged white male wearing a long sleeve blue dress shirt and an obvious black wig is on the screen. He has black bags under his eyes from sleep deprivation. He looks scared.)
Person: I tried "Hair Elixir" when I was stressed out from a new job. It helped me grow hair beyond my wildest imaginations. Try it.
(The scene cuts back to Craaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzy Davey wearing big, thick glasses and a professor's coat. He has a pointer in one hand and is pointing at a chart, which has a red line going up and down.)
CD: You see, the most common cause of premature hair loss for a male is not enough quality time spent with your hair! But hey, how many people actually have enough time to spend with their hair? No one, that’s who! Unless of course you're a male sitting on death row for murder, but of course, that’s a whole other story! Hehe!
(Davey giggles to himself.)
CD: I knew that I was unattractive to all those guys out there, and hey, even those select few ladies. I mean, you can't choose right, just need to bring the heat. Oops, off topic! He he! Anyways, I had no hair! I didn’t have enough time or energy to spend with my hair! So in my spare time, I set out to invent a shortcut for spending time with your hair! It's the "Hair Elixir"! It's simple, all you do is rub it on in a shower, I wish I was there, and leave for ten minutes! Do this three times a day for a month, and vaila, hair!!! So if you want hair, call now! Only $29.99 a bottle! Use a credit card and get a free sponge!
(On the screen comes a number. 1-800-382-5968. Crazy Davey is now jumping up and down while the camera is shaking.)
CD: Remember to call!!
(The commercial ends.)
(The scene comes back in with Jones and Lonnie both in the limo. It is obviously going, as all three are bumping occasionally from the road. Jones is looking at an unfamiliar man next to him, wearing a black suit, bald head, and one eyeglass that is strung around from his neck. Jones has a shocked look on his face and is pointing at the man. The man stares at Jones with a blank expression.)[/i]
LJ: You! You're….You're…..You're-
Man: Yes, go on.
LJ: You're Regis Philbin!
(The man now has a let down look on his face.)
Man: No, I'm not Regis Philbin. I'm-
LJ: That's my final answer.
(Jones gives an Urkel laugh, followed by a snort.)
Man: Now, Mr. Jones, I'm not Regis Philbin. I'm Dudley Scott Walters the VIII-owner and CEO of the Entertainment Scottish Produced Network, AKA ESPN.
(Jones gasps. A shocked look comes across his face as the "Dun dun dun" in all mystery movies is heard from out of nowhere. Jones' face shortly returns to normal.)
LJ: ESPN, eh? I'm not that easy to fool, Mr. Eight. Let's see some ESPN personnel ID cards.
(Eight pulls out an ID card, with an Asian boy's picture on it. Jones nods his head in approvement after seeing the card.)
Eight: Mr. Jones, for some reason, the Scottish nation loves you. I have a theory it is because you represent the normal Scottish man-stupid. Yet somehow, you've found a way to make yourself useful in this world-entertainment. Now, being the big businessman that I am, I will exploit you for what you're worth and will rape you and forcefully cram your image down the average Scot's throat until they beg for mercy because they no longer can afford to pay the food bill and must panhandle their way out of starvation, then revolt when they find out this is all your doing and make you into public enemy number one-figuratively speaking.
(Jones nods his head and acts like he understands. A retarded eight year old can see that Jones has no idea what Eight just said.)
LJ: So what do you want from me?
(Eight rolls his eyes and repositions himself in the limo.)
Eight: In idiot terms, I want to hire you.
(Jones awes to show he understands. Jones whispers to Lonnie.)
LJ: Shh! Big boys are talking!
(Jones looks back at Eight and the two share a stare for a moment. Eight, seeing that asking questions will just cause problems, shakes off the notion to ask Jones about his lawnmower.)
Eight: The fans love you, Jones. Ever since they found out that you will be competing for the TV title, Nate Nytro shirts have been burned all throughout the town.
LJ: Damn right I'm going to burn Nytro! I'm going to take the title and give it some honor!
Eight: (Paying no attention) And your friend, Logan. He has become to the Scot's what Hassellhoff is to the Germans.
LJ: Logan is the greatest thing to ever grace a WCF ring! He will absolutely kill Torture and regain what is rightfully his!
Eight: (Filing nails) Yes, of course. Anyways, my associates and I have prepared a brief business meeting in which we would like to present you with an opportunity to become the biggest star in the history of Scotland. Would that interest you?
LJ: Is there cheese?
Eight: Only goat.
(Jones' window manually rolls down. Outside, on the overcast day, we see a huge, monstrous looking castle. Water fountains are in the front, with stone elephants spitting water from their trunks. The grass is perfectly manicured, which catches Jones' attention. As the limo passes into the roundabout driveway, he is fascinated by the artistically cut bush giraffe.)
LJ: Look at the artistic creation! The angles are beautiful!
Eight: Yes, all fine and dandy. You and your uh, wife, will be staying in the master suite. We have a presentation prepared in two hours. Be there, or be dead.
(The Scottish National Anthem plays as we get a bird's eye view of the limo stopping. The whole lot is huge, probably the size of an amusement park. We see basketball courts, tennis courts, a golf course, a large pool, and a driveway full of expensive luxuries. The scene slowly fades to black.)
