Post by Lawnmower Jones on Aug 1, 2006 15:11:33 GMT -5
(The scene opens with an inside look of Lawnmower Jones shed, in which he is living. The lighting is dark, as usual. The shed is merely just a room with a table in the middle, a refrigerator next to it (which holds beer’s and sandwich meat) and a couch. There are four corners of the room, nothing special to them, except today. Today, Lawnmower Jones is in a corner, bottom left, facing it. He is looking down, with one hand moving slowly.)
LJ: Oh……oh…….Oh yea!.....Yea….Wow!
(The scene is entirely disgusting. He has on his usual blue overalls with a white tank top underneath. Occasionally, Jones rolls his neck.)
LJ: Yea……Oh…Oh!....Oh….What the? How the-? Ohhhhh……Oh yea….ha….yea that’s it…..
(Suddenly, we hear a squeaking, like when a bike is braking and being dragged against the sidewalk. Jones immediately jumps around, holding an unknown magazine, covering his private are, and sweating. The camera shows Jones’ treasured lawnmower, Lonnie, in the scene now. Somehow, “she” has rolled into the area. Jones looks around, nervous at what is happening, feeling like he has been caught in the act of doing something perverted or wrong.)
LJ: Lonnie, I uh….Well….Uh….It’s not what it looks like!
(Jones stares at the lawnmower.)
LJ: Oh this? Well, it’s uh…Well it’s nothing, just a magazine. Funny story..... I, uh, well I uh was just reading an uh article? Yea, I was reading an article!
(Jones has a smirk on his face. He is proud of the fact that he can think on the fly and lie to a lawnmower.)
LJ: (Scared) What do you mean you want to see it? Why? You wouldn’t like it!
(Jones stares at Lonnie. After a moment, he gulps bows his head, and takes a step towards Lonnie. After a moment, he throws the magazine on the ground and runs to the couch, where he makes a feeble attempt at a headfirst dive, with his head landing on the arm of the couch. The camera zooms in and we can see the magazine is open, with the front cover exposed. It is the newest edition of Sears Craftsmen Catalog. The picture exposed is of the new “Craftsmen 6.75 hp 22 in. Deck Rear Bag Mower Complete Start System.” The lawnmower is painted crimson red.)
LJ: (Face buried in between the couch cushions) I’m sorry, Lonnie! You know I can’t help myself! I’m sick! It’s not my fault! If they had therapy I would go! I’m sorry!
(Jones is crying in between the cushions now, but it soon stops. Jones lifts his head out of the cushions and looks at Lonnie.)
LJ: (Dead Serious) Logan doesn’t have problems like me. And don’t you dare imply that he does Lonnie.
(Jones’ face quickly turns from serious to angry. He gets up and looks to Lonnie, and starts slowly walking towards her. He passes the table and kicks it over. The scene fades to black.)
(The scene fades back later as Jones is sitting on the couch, head buried in his hands, where it is torn open and the stuffing is exposed. The messy house now makes Hurricane Katrina’s damage look like Beverly Hills. Beer bottles are smashed on the floor, the table is broken in half. A wooden chair is slanted, with a leg missing. Loose papers are everywhere on the floor. Even a piece of lunch meat is on the refrigerator, somehow held up. Jones lifts his buried head, with a bit of blood coming from his lip. He has a sick, sadistic smile on his face. Lonnie is across the room, and looks normal as always.)
(Jones pulls out a large Nokia cell phone from his pocket. He lifts the antenna and begins to dial.)
Automated Lady Voice: We’re sorry, the number you are calling can not be completed. Please hang up. Beeeeeeeeeep.
LJ: Hey Logan, it’s me, Jonesey. You college boys are all smart, ya know? I like the answering machine, how it says it can’t be completed. I’m sure you get calls from strangers a lot and this is how you fool ‘em. Ha, you’re a smooth one. Anyways I got-
(The phone cuts off, and Jones looks at it. He redials.)
Automated Lady Voice: We’re sorry, the number you are calling can not be completed. Please hang up. Beeeeeeeeeep.
LJ: Hey Logan, sorry about the two calls. You’re message machine cut me off, ha ha. Anyways, I just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out tonight, maybe go to a bar or something. The lady of the house says she I need to fix a problem of mine, so I went bollacks. Anyways, we can do whatever, just call me.
(Jones looks at Lonnie with a fierce look. He sniffs, rolls his neck, and points to her.)
LJ: You’ll be sorry. I know you will. Good day.
(Jones points his nose up and heads out the screen door in the front. The light from outside shines in and lights enough of the room to see all of Lonnie and then some. Jones looks back at Lonnie, with his nose up.)
LJ: I said good day!
(Jones hopes down and pulls out his phone. The grass is beautiful in front of the shed, solid green, no spots, and perfectly cut. A few gardening pieces like an edger and scissors are seen laying in front of the shed, which is solid white. Jones begins dialing on the phone.)
Automated Lady Voice: We’re sorry, the number you are calling can not be completed. Please hang up. Beeeeeeeeeep.
LJ: Hey Logan, I was just talking to the lady. Thought you might have called. Maybe we could work on our moves for the week, I face Creeping Death. OK, call me back. Bye.
(Jones quickly hangs up and puts the phone in his pocket. He looks to the camera.)
LJ: Now what you’ve just seen is my own personal business! Mind you, I’m one of the baddest men in the WCF today, and everybody knows it! Crimson Apocalypse knows it! Jackhammer knows it! And my best friend Logan knows it! Everybody does! Which is why this week I have a match, in the main event, against a sworn enemy of mine! This week, I fight against Creeping Death in a hardcore match for the hardcore title! Creeping Death, last week at Aftermath, you thought you were so smart with Dake Ken by your side! Well this Sunday, it ain’t going to be no surprise for Lawnmower Jones! He knows what’s comin’! He knows that this is going to be a brutal match, probably one of the most brutal matches in his life! But I’m prepared to lose blood! I’m prepared to go down for what you did to Logan! Nobody-and I mean nobody!- does that to Logan and gets away with it!
(Jones’ face is beat red, and spit was coming from his mouth. He settles down, refocuses, and begins to talk.)
LJ: But of course, you probably didn’t know what was coming to you, did you? Ha, after the match, you found out why you should never mess with Logan! His intelligence and (searching for the right words) smart ability are just as good as his wrestling ability! Creeping Death, you’ve had one hell of a ride as hardcore champ, but now, it’s my turn!
(Jones begins to walk out of the picture. Before he is fully out, we see him get his phone and dial a number.)
Automated Lady Voice: We’re sorry, the number you are calling can not be completed. Please hang up. Beeeeeeeeeep.
(The scene fades to black, but Jones’ voice can still be heard.)
LJ: Hey Logan, it’s me again. I’m just checkin’ up on ya. Hey, if you need anyone to mow your lawn, let me know. I’m always available, day or night. Speaking of night, what are you doing later? Maybe we could meet up somewhere, have a few drinks, fight some punk Creeping Death fans, ha ha! Call me back, you know the number!
LJ: Oh……oh…….Oh yea!.....Yea….Wow!
(The scene is entirely disgusting. He has on his usual blue overalls with a white tank top underneath. Occasionally, Jones rolls his neck.)
LJ: Yea……Oh…Oh!....Oh….What the? How the-? Ohhhhh……Oh yea….ha….yea that’s it…..
(Suddenly, we hear a squeaking, like when a bike is braking and being dragged against the sidewalk. Jones immediately jumps around, holding an unknown magazine, covering his private are, and sweating. The camera shows Jones’ treasured lawnmower, Lonnie, in the scene now. Somehow, “she” has rolled into the area. Jones looks around, nervous at what is happening, feeling like he has been caught in the act of doing something perverted or wrong.)
LJ: Lonnie, I uh….Well….Uh….It’s not what it looks like!
(Jones stares at the lawnmower.)
LJ: Oh this? Well, it’s uh…Well it’s nothing, just a magazine. Funny story..... I, uh, well I uh was just reading an uh article? Yea, I was reading an article!
(Jones has a smirk on his face. He is proud of the fact that he can think on the fly and lie to a lawnmower.)
LJ: (Scared) What do you mean you want to see it? Why? You wouldn’t like it!
(Jones stares at Lonnie. After a moment, he gulps bows his head, and takes a step towards Lonnie. After a moment, he throws the magazine on the ground and runs to the couch, where he makes a feeble attempt at a headfirst dive, with his head landing on the arm of the couch. The camera zooms in and we can see the magazine is open, with the front cover exposed. It is the newest edition of Sears Craftsmen Catalog. The picture exposed is of the new “Craftsmen 6.75 hp 22 in. Deck Rear Bag Mower Complete Start System.” The lawnmower is painted crimson red.)
LJ: (Face buried in between the couch cushions) I’m sorry, Lonnie! You know I can’t help myself! I’m sick! It’s not my fault! If they had therapy I would go! I’m sorry!
(Jones is crying in between the cushions now, but it soon stops. Jones lifts his head out of the cushions and looks at Lonnie.)
LJ: (Dead Serious) Logan doesn’t have problems like me. And don’t you dare imply that he does Lonnie.
(Jones’ face quickly turns from serious to angry. He gets up and looks to Lonnie, and starts slowly walking towards her. He passes the table and kicks it over. The scene fades to black.)
(The scene fades back later as Jones is sitting on the couch, head buried in his hands, where it is torn open and the stuffing is exposed. The messy house now makes Hurricane Katrina’s damage look like Beverly Hills. Beer bottles are smashed on the floor, the table is broken in half. A wooden chair is slanted, with a leg missing. Loose papers are everywhere on the floor. Even a piece of lunch meat is on the refrigerator, somehow held up. Jones lifts his buried head, with a bit of blood coming from his lip. He has a sick, sadistic smile on his face. Lonnie is across the room, and looks normal as always.)
(Jones pulls out a large Nokia cell phone from his pocket. He lifts the antenna and begins to dial.)
Automated Lady Voice: We’re sorry, the number you are calling can not be completed. Please hang up. Beeeeeeeeeep.
LJ: Hey Logan, it’s me, Jonesey. You college boys are all smart, ya know? I like the answering machine, how it says it can’t be completed. I’m sure you get calls from strangers a lot and this is how you fool ‘em. Ha, you’re a smooth one. Anyways I got-
(The phone cuts off, and Jones looks at it. He redials.)
Automated Lady Voice: We’re sorry, the number you are calling can not be completed. Please hang up. Beeeeeeeeeep.
LJ: Hey Logan, sorry about the two calls. You’re message machine cut me off, ha ha. Anyways, I just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out tonight, maybe go to a bar or something. The lady of the house says she I need to fix a problem of mine, so I went bollacks. Anyways, we can do whatever, just call me.
(Jones looks at Lonnie with a fierce look. He sniffs, rolls his neck, and points to her.)
LJ: You’ll be sorry. I know you will. Good day.
(Jones points his nose up and heads out the screen door in the front. The light from outside shines in and lights enough of the room to see all of Lonnie and then some. Jones looks back at Lonnie, with his nose up.)
LJ: I said good day!
(Jones hopes down and pulls out his phone. The grass is beautiful in front of the shed, solid green, no spots, and perfectly cut. A few gardening pieces like an edger and scissors are seen laying in front of the shed, which is solid white. Jones begins dialing on the phone.)
Automated Lady Voice: We’re sorry, the number you are calling can not be completed. Please hang up. Beeeeeeeeeep.
LJ: Hey Logan, I was just talking to the lady. Thought you might have called. Maybe we could work on our moves for the week, I face Creeping Death. OK, call me back. Bye.
(Jones quickly hangs up and puts the phone in his pocket. He looks to the camera.)
LJ: Now what you’ve just seen is my own personal business! Mind you, I’m one of the baddest men in the WCF today, and everybody knows it! Crimson Apocalypse knows it! Jackhammer knows it! And my best friend Logan knows it! Everybody does! Which is why this week I have a match, in the main event, against a sworn enemy of mine! This week, I fight against Creeping Death in a hardcore match for the hardcore title! Creeping Death, last week at Aftermath, you thought you were so smart with Dake Ken by your side! Well this Sunday, it ain’t going to be no surprise for Lawnmower Jones! He knows what’s comin’! He knows that this is going to be a brutal match, probably one of the most brutal matches in his life! But I’m prepared to lose blood! I’m prepared to go down for what you did to Logan! Nobody-and I mean nobody!- does that to Logan and gets away with it!
(Jones’ face is beat red, and spit was coming from his mouth. He settles down, refocuses, and begins to talk.)
LJ: But of course, you probably didn’t know what was coming to you, did you? Ha, after the match, you found out why you should never mess with Logan! His intelligence and (searching for the right words) smart ability are just as good as his wrestling ability! Creeping Death, you’ve had one hell of a ride as hardcore champ, but now, it’s my turn!
(Jones begins to walk out of the picture. Before he is fully out, we see him get his phone and dial a number.)
Automated Lady Voice: We’re sorry, the number you are calling can not be completed. Please hang up. Beeeeeeeeeep.
(The scene fades to black, but Jones’ voice can still be heard.)
LJ: Hey Logan, it’s me again. I’m just checkin’ up on ya. Hey, if you need anyone to mow your lawn, let me know. I’m always available, day or night. Speaking of night, what are you doing later? Maybe we could meet up somewhere, have a few drinks, fight some punk Creeping Death fans, ha ha! Call me back, you know the number!
