Post by Jack of Blades on Aug 12, 2006 17:13:00 GMT -5
From the stationary of Jack of Blades Esq.
Dear Miss Winfrey and to all concerned,
Upon having a anti-psychotic episode, I was forced to withdraw myself from my current state of business and take up residence in an alien environment. With a shocking lack of puppies to torture, I was forced to look elsewhere for entertainment. Turning on the television in mid-morning in the search for something to keep my minds amused. I stumbled upon your show in the episode entitled 'Oprah returns to the Ghetto, and picks up some donuts.' Although my residual thoughts upon watching the show were concern for how much weight Condolezza Rice had put on (just saying her name makes me hungry), I later came to the realisation that I had mistaken the eponymous presenter for the oil-loving warmonger. More to the point, I'd like to indicate certain areas which you could improve upon to make a fully rounded product. As someone heavily involved in the media, I do hope that my opinions are taken into account and put into motion quicker than a Rice-approved legislation for all citizens to carry napalm in case they witness a Muslim doing something as incredulous as walking down a public street:
1.) Carry a disclaimer that warns viewers of high levels of estrogen. I could feel overies growing inside me as I witnessed your interview with Jessica Scrounge, the virginial pre-teen mother.
2.) I commend you on your efforts to stretch the borders of intellectualism to each audient regardless of background with your 'Oprah Book Club.' However, I find your selection of books to be limited to chick-lit and books whose blurbs all finish with the phrase '...with sexy results.' Here are some suggested titles that I feel would improve such a beloved feature:
-Mein Kampf by A. Hitler (A heart-wrenching tale of imprisonment and a protagonist's search for facism in a recovering and vulnerable Germany. Has a surprise twist where the Jews did it all.)
-Conversations with a Killer by T. Bundy (An elegant 'coffee-table' title filled with witty repoitre about the nature of the world, the best type of blade for quick severing, and how much milk has gone up in price.)
-Crime and Punishment by F. Dostoevsky (The epic of a former student and his struggle against the restraints of his psyche as it fractures further under a potentially guilty conscious. A philosophical microcosm that covers the grounds of anarchism, modern psychology and existentialism...with sexy results.)
3.) Have better guests with a greater range of points. For example, yes, the woman was raped but surely it is only fair for her attacker to present his side of the facts. To not do so is a perversion of honorable journalism regardless of whether his schedule is fully booked with his execution.
4.) Have a judicial system on your show. As a debate programme, numerous topics could be solved as a result of such an expressed system. Say the audience feels that a woman who has claimed she has an abusive husband is lying, the slandered husband should be allowed to take a few unguarded swings for his personal humiliation.
5.) Audience interaction is imperative to any live show. Give them sharpened rocks so that in any instances which they feel aggrivated they can use them as protectiles. Public stonings are gold, trust me.
6.) Your generousity is astounding but that does not equate to ratings. It is the belief of many that you missed a fantastic opportunity in awarding your favoured audience members, a car free of charge. Instead, you should have entered them into a life or death tournament (sic 'Running Man') and weaponed them with a tire iron and ordered them to batter the other failures and wastules of human life until there is only one remaining. This winner could then be awarded with something befitting her (I use this gender out of necessity) original complaint such as a new baby/heart/stapler.
7.) Do not have Tom Cruise on your show. Ever.
I hope you take such criticism into account. Such comments have only come about through a few sporadic observations. I am in no way a die hard 'Oprah-atic' but I feel that everyone's accounts should be taken into account. But I'll give credit where credit is due, you understand such a thing already. Although I did list a series of complaints, I feel that I must congratulate you on your bias and phony approach to topical news. I eagerly anticipate the next journalistic equivalant of you fellating a celebrity/scientologist/both as opposed to reporting on something depressing such as a single mother trying to put her talented child through piano school. Only bring them out when you can pawn them off with a car when it's time for a ratings boost.
-Yours faithfully,
Jack of Blades.
Dear Miss Winfrey and to all concerned,
Upon having a anti-psychotic episode, I was forced to withdraw myself from my current state of business and take up residence in an alien environment. With a shocking lack of puppies to torture, I was forced to look elsewhere for entertainment. Turning on the television in mid-morning in the search for something to keep my minds amused. I stumbled upon your show in the episode entitled 'Oprah returns to the Ghetto, and picks up some donuts.' Although my residual thoughts upon watching the show were concern for how much weight Condolezza Rice had put on (just saying her name makes me hungry), I later came to the realisation that I had mistaken the eponymous presenter for the oil-loving warmonger. More to the point, I'd like to indicate certain areas which you could improve upon to make a fully rounded product. As someone heavily involved in the media, I do hope that my opinions are taken into account and put into motion quicker than a Rice-approved legislation for all citizens to carry napalm in case they witness a Muslim doing something as incredulous as walking down a public street:
1.) Carry a disclaimer that warns viewers of high levels of estrogen. I could feel overies growing inside me as I witnessed your interview with Jessica Scrounge, the virginial pre-teen mother.
2.) I commend you on your efforts to stretch the borders of intellectualism to each audient regardless of background with your 'Oprah Book Club.' However, I find your selection of books to be limited to chick-lit and books whose blurbs all finish with the phrase '...with sexy results.' Here are some suggested titles that I feel would improve such a beloved feature:
-Mein Kampf by A. Hitler (A heart-wrenching tale of imprisonment and a protagonist's search for facism in a recovering and vulnerable Germany. Has a surprise twist where the Jews did it all.)
-Conversations with a Killer by T. Bundy (An elegant 'coffee-table' title filled with witty repoitre about the nature of the world, the best type of blade for quick severing, and how much milk has gone up in price.)
-Crime and Punishment by F. Dostoevsky (The epic of a former student and his struggle against the restraints of his psyche as it fractures further under a potentially guilty conscious. A philosophical microcosm that covers the grounds of anarchism, modern psychology and existentialism...with sexy results.)
3.) Have better guests with a greater range of points. For example, yes, the woman was raped but surely it is only fair for her attacker to present his side of the facts. To not do so is a perversion of honorable journalism regardless of whether his schedule is fully booked with his execution.
4.) Have a judicial system on your show. As a debate programme, numerous topics could be solved as a result of such an expressed system. Say the audience feels that a woman who has claimed she has an abusive husband is lying, the slandered husband should be allowed to take a few unguarded swings for his personal humiliation.
5.) Audience interaction is imperative to any live show. Give them sharpened rocks so that in any instances which they feel aggrivated they can use them as protectiles. Public stonings are gold, trust me.
6.) Your generousity is astounding but that does not equate to ratings. It is the belief of many that you missed a fantastic opportunity in awarding your favoured audience members, a car free of charge. Instead, you should have entered them into a life or death tournament (sic 'Running Man') and weaponed them with a tire iron and ordered them to batter the other failures and wastules of human life until there is only one remaining. This winner could then be awarded with something befitting her (I use this gender out of necessity) original complaint such as a new baby/heart/stapler.
7.) Do not have Tom Cruise on your show. Ever.
I hope you take such criticism into account. Such comments have only come about through a few sporadic observations. I am in no way a die hard 'Oprah-atic' but I feel that everyone's accounts should be taken into account. But I'll give credit where credit is due, you understand such a thing already. Although I did list a series of complaints, I feel that I must congratulate you on your bias and phony approach to topical news. I eagerly anticipate the next journalistic equivalant of you fellating a celebrity/scientologist/both as opposed to reporting on something depressing such as a single mother trying to put her talented child through piano school. Only bring them out when you can pawn them off with a car when it's time for a ratings boost.
-Yours faithfully,
Jack of Blades.
