Post by Jack of Blades on Aug 15, 2006 16:55:29 GMT -5
(The scene opens up to a heavy percussion track reminiscent of patriotic functions. The camera shows an image of Jack of Blades, smiling widely, with his arms around two children, also smiling in a similar manner. A sonorous voice over announces that the following message is paid for by ‘Friends of Jack of Blades’ before quickly adding that ‘At least, those not currently residing in a penal correction facility.’ After this, we cut to the living room of a family seemingly enjoying Christmas Day. The decorations and considerable size of the spruce tree make this fact blatant. The voices of the family cannot be heard but a jovial Christmas tune plays throughout. Two children, a brother and sister, tornado their way through a mountainous collection of gifts, occasionally giving appreciative hugs to their parents. At some point, the father turns to his wife and presents her with a small gift-wrapped jewellery box. She acts surprised and mouths that ‘he shouldn’t have.’ They give a small but intimate kiss before she pulls out an ornate necklace and allows her lover to place it around her neck. The children giggle in embarrassment before turning back to there gifts. Suddenly, the door bursts open to reveal an eager Jack of Blades carrying a gift in each arm. The children look at each other in excitement and scream ‘Uncle Jack’ before running and hugging at his legs. The parents move to greet their guests. They share the usual pleasantries before Jack of Blades lifts the children into his arms and allows them to open their gifts. The boy goes first, tearing into his gift with zeal, and lifting out a piece of road kill with track marks still etched onto it. The boy smiles with glee. The camera then pans to the other arm where the girl does the same to her gift. Before she can remove all the wrapping paper, an Alien Facehugger bursts from her image and attaches itself to her face. The family laugh in amusement. At this point, the scene freezes and Jack of Blades looks directly into the camera, drops the children from their perch without a care for their landing, and approaches the frame.)
Jack of Blades: Wonderful, is it anything but? This special time of year entitled Christmas. Formed in celebration of a magnificent celestial event where every other planet aligns in perfect symmetry and used to commemorate the signing of the treaty of Versailles, many argue over the true function of Christmas. Some argue that Christmas is simply an occasion where multi-national corporations brainwash children to pester their already over-worked carers to struggle for a piece of plastic. Another view is that Christmas is simply a social construct for everyone to ejaculate as much charity as they can before returning to their ‘asshole’ state for the remainder of the year. A more radical view is that Christmas is about family. It is this view that we will examine today. You see, there are some people in the pockets of humanity that we, as the majority, would like to forget, who are unable to enjoy the complete holiday experience as they like, Harry Potter, lack a family.
(Cut to the family surrounding a massive dinner table. Along with the original four members of the family unit, they are joined with a variety of different relatives. Grandparents, uncles and the like. The table is more than sufficient for the number of presents. The camera pans through the family showing them are doing things such as pulling crackers, pouring glasses of champagne, deep in conversation. The spread of the table is vast and covers all varieties of food typical to the occasion. The camera finishes its panning at the end of the table where Jack of Blades, in a paper hat and wearing a knitted jumper with a Rudolf design, is sharpening knives in preparation of carving the turkey. The scene freezes again as Jack prepares to speak.)
Jack of Blades: Not everyone can enjoy the nuances of relations at Christmas time. Not everyone can see Grandpa Higgins soil his path through four pairs of trousers. Not everyone can hear Uncle Jimmy’s conspiracy on how the blacks are ruining national holidays with their voodoo. Not everyone can witness the witty interlocution between the two sisters who share the same lover. Not everyone can force his or her way through three types of differently prepared potato. Not everyone is as lucky as me. One such person is general nuisance and professional wrestler, Torture.
(The shot cuts to an image of John Kerry, as opposed to Torture, before returning.)
You see, at one point, Torture epitomized the term ‘blue chipper.’ Oh yes, his chips were most definitely blue. After a string of successes, Torture found himself at his apex and a very popular chap. Unfortunately, Torture became to self-confident in his abilities and decided to extend his success beyond the world of wrestling to game show contender. Appearing on Jeopardy, Torture looked to further his name. Failing to remember that every answer needed to be put as a question, Torture rapidly entered the minuses becoming the worst contestant in the show’s history. Having placed all his money in buying pink elephants, Torture did not have the collateral needed to pay his debt to the show’s producers. He put his family down as payment. Being the savage bastard that everyone knows, Alex Trebek had no problem slaughtering Torture’s family. Claiming ‘the clue is in the name. It’s ‘Jeopardy!,’ bitch. The game is on’, Trebek emptied numerous machine gun rounds into Torture’s family to get his point forward. All of which, along with Trebek’s sick head-games can be seen in the following camera footage.
(We cut to the scene from 1993’s ‘Last Action Hero’ where Arnold Schwarzenegger sees his child dangled over the top of a building. Arnold tries but it eventually ends in the child’s murder.)
Jack of Blades: Well, that was a clip from some ‘post-good Arnie’ film but I imagine it was almost a perfect facsimile. Well, the murder would probably be a bit more visceral and Torture more Austrian, but you catch my intention. Either way, this left Torture alone and without any woman to take his aggression out. Despite numerous letters to Bill, Mr Cosby made no effort to allow Torture to join as a family member on his eponymous ‘Cosby Show.’ Now, Torture walks playgrounds and salons alone, sucking onto any sort of social interaction like some old person left in a retirement village. Working with ‘The Academy of Made-Up Rankings, Non-Committal Possibilities and Wrestling’, we have calculated the most likely ending for this family-less Torture.
(The scene cuts to a stormy graveyard before focusing in on a single grave with the name ‘Torture’s Bitch’ engraved on it. A shadowy figure emerges over it before a shovel enters the ground. We cut to an image of a dining table with Torture (Jack of Blades dressed as such) at one end and his dead wife at the other ala ‘A Perfect Circle’s Blue.’ The wife shows very real signs of necrosis but that does not slow Torture down as he proceeds to ‘dance and romance’ his decaying spouse. Torture leaves his seat and yanks his wife out of her seat beginning to dance. He sings ‘The Old Girl Has Life In Her Still’ as he forces her into motion similar to the tango. It ends in passionate fashion with the dead wife leant backwards and Torture towards her. An immediate cut to Torture in bed with his wife presumably engaging in sexual activity.)
Jack as Torture: That’s it, take Torture’s Device. Take it.
(The motion continues for a while until it stops suddenly and Jack of Blades lifts his head from the covers and turns to the camera.)
Jack as Torture: For some reason, I feel that necrophilia has already been entered into the world of professional wrestling.
(He returns under the covers and continues his motion before cutting to Jack of Blades back at the dinner table, Rudolf jumper and all. He moves to the side of the frozen child from the earlier scene still sharpening the knife.)
Jack of Blades: An horrific future, don’t you think? Think about what would happen if this happened to you.
(Jack lifts a blade and drops it into the child’s back. He falls forward into his soup presumably dead.)
Jack of Blades: And remember that a Torture is for Logan to eviscerate, not just for Christmas. Now, let’s get the party started.
(The scene animates again and the celebration continues. The young girl offers Jack a cracker to pull. He obliges and they struggle for it to pop. Jack eventually gets tired and punches the child in the face using the opportunity to burst the cracker. A plethora of shit items fall out including a piece of paper. Jack looks at it before chuckling.)
Uncle Jimmy: What is it, Jack?
(Recovering from the fist) Young Girl: It’s one of those jokes, you get in them. What does it say?
Jack of Blades: Ah, you’ll like this. It’s the funniest thing, I’ve read in ages. Ready? It just says ‘Torture’s family is dead.’
(Jack bursts into riotous laughter much to the concern of the family. He continues roaring in amusement before comedically falling down at how much he has enjoyed the paper ‘joke.’ He regains his composure and climbs to his feet before breaking into laughter again. He climbs onto the table and crawls over the spread, continually laughing until he reaches the camera and screams at it in amusement. The shot ends with the echoing laughter and a shot of Jack’s screeching mouth.)
Jack of Blades: Wonderful, is it anything but? This special time of year entitled Christmas. Formed in celebration of a magnificent celestial event where every other planet aligns in perfect symmetry and used to commemorate the signing of the treaty of Versailles, many argue over the true function of Christmas. Some argue that Christmas is simply an occasion where multi-national corporations brainwash children to pester their already over-worked carers to struggle for a piece of plastic. Another view is that Christmas is simply a social construct for everyone to ejaculate as much charity as they can before returning to their ‘asshole’ state for the remainder of the year. A more radical view is that Christmas is about family. It is this view that we will examine today. You see, there are some people in the pockets of humanity that we, as the majority, would like to forget, who are unable to enjoy the complete holiday experience as they like, Harry Potter, lack a family.
(Cut to the family surrounding a massive dinner table. Along with the original four members of the family unit, they are joined with a variety of different relatives. Grandparents, uncles and the like. The table is more than sufficient for the number of presents. The camera pans through the family showing them are doing things such as pulling crackers, pouring glasses of champagne, deep in conversation. The spread of the table is vast and covers all varieties of food typical to the occasion. The camera finishes its panning at the end of the table where Jack of Blades, in a paper hat and wearing a knitted jumper with a Rudolf design, is sharpening knives in preparation of carving the turkey. The scene freezes again as Jack prepares to speak.)
Jack of Blades: Not everyone can enjoy the nuances of relations at Christmas time. Not everyone can see Grandpa Higgins soil his path through four pairs of trousers. Not everyone can hear Uncle Jimmy’s conspiracy on how the blacks are ruining national holidays with their voodoo. Not everyone can witness the witty interlocution between the two sisters who share the same lover. Not everyone can force his or her way through three types of differently prepared potato. Not everyone is as lucky as me. One such person is general nuisance and professional wrestler, Torture.
(The shot cuts to an image of John Kerry, as opposed to Torture, before returning.)
You see, at one point, Torture epitomized the term ‘blue chipper.’ Oh yes, his chips were most definitely blue. After a string of successes, Torture found himself at his apex and a very popular chap. Unfortunately, Torture became to self-confident in his abilities and decided to extend his success beyond the world of wrestling to game show contender. Appearing on Jeopardy, Torture looked to further his name. Failing to remember that every answer needed to be put as a question, Torture rapidly entered the minuses becoming the worst contestant in the show’s history. Having placed all his money in buying pink elephants, Torture did not have the collateral needed to pay his debt to the show’s producers. He put his family down as payment. Being the savage bastard that everyone knows, Alex Trebek had no problem slaughtering Torture’s family. Claiming ‘the clue is in the name. It’s ‘Jeopardy!,’ bitch. The game is on’, Trebek emptied numerous machine gun rounds into Torture’s family to get his point forward. All of which, along with Trebek’s sick head-games can be seen in the following camera footage.
(We cut to the scene from 1993’s ‘Last Action Hero’ where Arnold Schwarzenegger sees his child dangled over the top of a building. Arnold tries but it eventually ends in the child’s murder.)
Jack of Blades: Well, that was a clip from some ‘post-good Arnie’ film but I imagine it was almost a perfect facsimile. Well, the murder would probably be a bit more visceral and Torture more Austrian, but you catch my intention. Either way, this left Torture alone and without any woman to take his aggression out. Despite numerous letters to Bill, Mr Cosby made no effort to allow Torture to join as a family member on his eponymous ‘Cosby Show.’ Now, Torture walks playgrounds and salons alone, sucking onto any sort of social interaction like some old person left in a retirement village. Working with ‘The Academy of Made-Up Rankings, Non-Committal Possibilities and Wrestling’, we have calculated the most likely ending for this family-less Torture.
(The scene cuts to a stormy graveyard before focusing in on a single grave with the name ‘Torture’s Bitch’ engraved on it. A shadowy figure emerges over it before a shovel enters the ground. We cut to an image of a dining table with Torture (Jack of Blades dressed as such) at one end and his dead wife at the other ala ‘A Perfect Circle’s Blue.’ The wife shows very real signs of necrosis but that does not slow Torture down as he proceeds to ‘dance and romance’ his decaying spouse. Torture leaves his seat and yanks his wife out of her seat beginning to dance. He sings ‘The Old Girl Has Life In Her Still’ as he forces her into motion similar to the tango. It ends in passionate fashion with the dead wife leant backwards and Torture towards her. An immediate cut to Torture in bed with his wife presumably engaging in sexual activity.)
Jack as Torture: That’s it, take Torture’s Device. Take it.
(The motion continues for a while until it stops suddenly and Jack of Blades lifts his head from the covers and turns to the camera.)
Jack as Torture: For some reason, I feel that necrophilia has already been entered into the world of professional wrestling.
(He returns under the covers and continues his motion before cutting to Jack of Blades back at the dinner table, Rudolf jumper and all. He moves to the side of the frozen child from the earlier scene still sharpening the knife.)
Jack of Blades: An horrific future, don’t you think? Think about what would happen if this happened to you.
(Jack lifts a blade and drops it into the child’s back. He falls forward into his soup presumably dead.)
Jack of Blades: And remember that a Torture is for Logan to eviscerate, not just for Christmas. Now, let’s get the party started.
(The scene animates again and the celebration continues. The young girl offers Jack a cracker to pull. He obliges and they struggle for it to pop. Jack eventually gets tired and punches the child in the face using the opportunity to burst the cracker. A plethora of shit items fall out including a piece of paper. Jack looks at it before chuckling.)
Uncle Jimmy: What is it, Jack?
(Recovering from the fist) Young Girl: It’s one of those jokes, you get in them. What does it say?
Jack of Blades: Ah, you’ll like this. It’s the funniest thing, I’ve read in ages. Ready? It just says ‘Torture’s family is dead.’
(Jack bursts into riotous laughter much to the concern of the family. He continues roaring in amusement before comedically falling down at how much he has enjoyed the paper ‘joke.’ He regains his composure and climbs to his feet before breaking into laughter again. He climbs onto the table and crawls over the spread, continually laughing until he reaches the camera and screams at it in amusement. The shot ends with the echoing laughter and a shot of Jack’s screeching mouth.)
