Post by Jack of Blades on Aug 16, 2006 15:50:06 GMT -5
(The sketch opens up on the hub of commercialism and one-minded consumerism often referred to as Philadelphia Angel Mall. The usual denizens are clambering around in pursuit for the chance to trade their excess income on superfluous items that they ‘must have.’ Teenage cliques perch on the expensive architectural construct that was added to the mall so that idiot publicists could market it as ‘chic’ and ‘modernized.’ Housewives with serious instances of ennui take time out from engaging the postman in sexual activity to waste the wage check of their ‘white collar’ husbands. A usual day in this capitalist prison, that is, until, the two doors of the main entrance swing open revealing ‘The Bastard Clown’, Jack of Blades. Jack takes a quick examination of his surroundings before stepping through the doorway tentatively.)
(Disgusted at his position in the mall) Jack of Blades: I feel all dirty. As if the spirit of Bill Hicks has died just a little. Considering my only experiences with malls involve zombies, I’m none too chuffed to be in such a place.
Jesper Reisert: Ok, boss, so where we gotta go, then?
Jack of Blades: Well, by binding association, I’m being forced to purchase a gift to commemorate the joyous union of that Jones fellow to an engine dedicated to the purpose of keeping one’s lawn trim.
Now, we have to find something befitting of this event. A quick examination of our terrain and we should find some kind of boutique that retails in garden-care related items. Ah, a J.C. Penny. Jesper, stay here, check the map in case we lose ourselves in this candyfloss labyrinth and don’t touch yourself. I will go communicate to the fine patrons and workers of J.C. Penny to devise a stratagem of just what to get from the Jones’.
(Jesper nods at Jack’s orders as his employer heads off in the direction of the inbuilt store. The camera follows Jack into through the doors where he is greeted by highly obnoxious music. He scowls at such an opening experience before taking a few seconds to obtain his bearings. He examines the kitsch shop with its over-priced clothing items before noticing a young male clerk re-arranging a rack of T-Shirts. Blades walks over to him and taps him on the shoulder. On further observation, the clerk is a late teenager with obviously no interest in his job. He epitomizes the expectation of a young teenager working in retail. Spotty, unattractive and with little knowledge on the stock he deals in. )
Jack of Blades: Hello. I was wondering if you could help me with something.
Clerk: Sure. What?
Jack of Blades: I was wondering where you store the clothing for the pretentious assholes that are more concerned with garnering backstage importance than fulfilling their job to the best of their abilities and that have the tendency to mention the word ‘veteran’ more than any soldier who served in the Vietnam war only to return to their nation and find their place in such a civilization redundant.
(The clerk shrugs his shoulders and murmurs ‘I dunno’ in quick succession.)
Jack of Blades: Oh, ok.
(Jack of Blades moves towards the clerk and examines his ears. The clerk, as anyone would be, somewhat freaked by this moves backwards to the rail.)
Jack of Blades: Sorry, I was just noticing you weren’t listening to music. Here have a listen.
(Jack removes a type of music player from his pocket and rams the headphones into the scared clerk’s ears. He lets out a squeak of pain at the high volume.)
Clerk: Agh, what was that?
Jack of Blades: Why, that was Johnny Cash’s ‘Man Comes Around: American Recordings Volume 4.’ I thought this would be an appropriate time to have a random shill for a favoured music artist. I shall take my leave, regardless of this happening.
(Jack turns to leave before remembering his original intention of entering this den of expensive tat and uncomfortable clothing.)
Jack of Blades: Oh, do you know, where the Cool Wear clothing range is?
Clerk: Oh, that stuff, yeah, I’d check the ‘good will’ store if I were you. It’s down by Gamestop.
Jack of Blades: Thank you, attendant of the opulent attire.
(Jack exists the store as the camera watches the perplexed clerk try and calculate the series of events that has just taken place. Upon leaving the store, Jack of Blades is greeted by Jesper, who while his boss has been away, has taken it upon himself to buy a greasy hotdog. He bites into it as Jack loves at him despairingly.)
Jesper Reisert: Get what you want, boss?
Jack of Blades: Unfortunately not. Let us head further into the Beast’s belly as we search for luxuries for the happy couple.
Jesper Reisert: I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this week. I mean, usually when you’ve got a match, you have spent the two first days of the week, raping their women and torturing their children. This week, though, you haven’t asked me to get anything from the hardware store that can cut through limbs. This wedding thing, stopping you from doing it?
Jack of Blades: Maybe. Maybe I am an old romantic at heart and cannot be bothered with such medial tasks on the week when two close associates come together to proclaim their powerful feelings of love. Maybe, I don’t consider them a threat. Maybe I spent the past few days dealing with legal associates of ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’ and didn’t have enough of an opportunity to do such horrible things.
Jesper Reisert: Ok, boss. Although that Teacher guy seems to not like you.
Jack of Blades: It’s Torture and I assure you he doesn’t. That is perhaps why I’ve devoted most of my free time this week in labelling him a homeless, preacher-esque charlatan of the sport of professional wrestling. Besides, that ‘Creeping Death’ fellow is probably lying dead in a ditch somewhere and I’ll reply to that ‘Dake’ when I’m supplied with this week’s promo tapes, in my own unique way. And when I do receive Dake’s entry, I’ll decide to watch the entire ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy as I fancy some lighter viewing.
Jesper Reisert: Right boss.
(The camera cuts to a view of the pair of them coming down the escalator. Suddenly, Blades ducks down to the ground before popping back up with a smile on his face. They eventually reach the bottom and wait for the mother and her young son in front to step off. The mother does so without a hitch but as the son goes to leave the moving step, he trips headfirst and plants his skull into the marble floor. The mother tries to pull him up but to no avail. She soon realises that someone has tied his shoelaces to the escalator and the step has now passed through the grid pulling her son along with him. Blades jumps over the human heap with a laugh as Jesper continues to ride the banister until he exits. Blades looks pleased with himself but his victory is cut short when Jesper taps his employer on the shoulder.)
Jesper Reisert: Boss, can we get some food?
Jack of Blades: You’ve just eaten. Why such a capacious belly on you. I suppose it has something to do with what they served you in prison, am I right?
Jesper Reisert: Yeah, ok but I could do with a burger.
Jack of Blades: Fine. The food court is just up ahead.
(They move onwards to the cheap restaurant and enter the queue to be served. Upon reaching the till, Jesper places his order and leaves to find a seat. Jack of Blades moves forward.)
Jack of Blades: A coffee, my good vendor of botulism and artery sealant.
Restaurant Employee: Ok, we’ve got mocha, mocha java, java alone, venti, grande, iced tall, iced grande, iced vendi, piccolo, mezzo, frappe, frappe mocha, dry, wet, soy, cappuccino, decafe, caffinated.
Jack of Blades: But no coffee?
(Jack leaves the line and sits down with Jesper who has been handed his meal by a waitress. Jesper opens up his burger to examine it. Jack notices that they have left a newspaper in their rush. He picks it up and begins to tear through the pages as if searching for something specific.)
Jesper Reisert: Watcha doing, boss?
Jack of Blades: Looking for the funnies.
(Jesper notices that Jack threw the comic page over his shoulder as he spoke to him.)
Jesper Reisert: You just missed it, boss.
(Not paying any notice) Jack of Blades: Ah, here we go. Oh, this one’s good. Wanna hear? It reads ‘John Hutchinson’, aged 72, loved father, grandfather and friend, will be missed by all.’
(Jack bursts into his fit of laughter again causing many of the diners to stop eating and look on somewhat shocked at the scene. Jesper hurriedly eats his meal forcing the pair of them to take their leave. Jack manages to recover his composure enough to leave the food court without any further outbursts.)
Jesper Reisert: Hey, boss, I gotta couple phone calls to make. Can I--?
Jack of Blades: Of course, go.
(They move in separate paths; Jack to find a gift for Lawnmower, Jesper to dial whomever. The camera follows Jack of Blades as he enters a nearby electronics store. Upon entering, he is greeted by an eager attendant looking for some commission.)
Electronics Retailer: Hello, sir. Anything particular that you want from us, today?
Jack of Blades: Well, I’m here to follow the appropriate scenario of when someone’s life is terminated by their own misadventure.
(Bothered) Electronic Retailer: The um, funeral parlour is down the street.
Jack of Blades: I’m an attendee at a wedding.
Electronic Retailer: Oh, I see. British wit, huh. You want a gift for them? Well are they looking to start a family?
Jack of Blades: I don’t think that’s humanly possible.
Electronic Retailer: Oh, the groom’s hard to tie down here. Well, how about this jukebox here? Holds five hundred tracks, neon lighting. Remote control supplied along with inbuilt speakers. May bring an air of ‘bachelor pad’ to the happy home.
Jack of Blades: No, I don’t think that’s right.
Electronic Retailer: The bride not too excited to have him so amused. Wants him on a leash, huh? Bother her, right?
Jack of Blades: I doubt it what with the very obvious lack of ears.
(The Electronic Retailer stares at his customer a while before shaking it off. Determined to get this sale, he continues trying to pawn his stock.)
Electronic Retailer: Well, how about something to keep the home happy if not the people in it? And nothing says happy like a nice exterior and this lawn trimmer will do just that. Now, it’s on sale so –
Jack of Blades: No, I don’t want to make the bride jealous. Just give me a toaster.
(Disgusted at his position in the mall) Jack of Blades: I feel all dirty. As if the spirit of Bill Hicks has died just a little. Considering my only experiences with malls involve zombies, I’m none too chuffed to be in such a place.
Jesper Reisert: Ok, boss, so where we gotta go, then?
Jack of Blades: Well, by binding association, I’m being forced to purchase a gift to commemorate the joyous union of that Jones fellow to an engine dedicated to the purpose of keeping one’s lawn trim.
Now, we have to find something befitting of this event. A quick examination of our terrain and we should find some kind of boutique that retails in garden-care related items. Ah, a J.C. Penny. Jesper, stay here, check the map in case we lose ourselves in this candyfloss labyrinth and don’t touch yourself. I will go communicate to the fine patrons and workers of J.C. Penny to devise a stratagem of just what to get from the Jones’.
(Jesper nods at Jack’s orders as his employer heads off in the direction of the inbuilt store. The camera follows Jack into through the doors where he is greeted by highly obnoxious music. He scowls at such an opening experience before taking a few seconds to obtain his bearings. He examines the kitsch shop with its over-priced clothing items before noticing a young male clerk re-arranging a rack of T-Shirts. Blades walks over to him and taps him on the shoulder. On further observation, the clerk is a late teenager with obviously no interest in his job. He epitomizes the expectation of a young teenager working in retail. Spotty, unattractive and with little knowledge on the stock he deals in. )
Jack of Blades: Hello. I was wondering if you could help me with something.
Clerk: Sure. What?
Jack of Blades: I was wondering where you store the clothing for the pretentious assholes that are more concerned with garnering backstage importance than fulfilling their job to the best of their abilities and that have the tendency to mention the word ‘veteran’ more than any soldier who served in the Vietnam war only to return to their nation and find their place in such a civilization redundant.
(The clerk shrugs his shoulders and murmurs ‘I dunno’ in quick succession.)
Jack of Blades: Oh, ok.
(Jack of Blades moves towards the clerk and examines his ears. The clerk, as anyone would be, somewhat freaked by this moves backwards to the rail.)
Jack of Blades: Sorry, I was just noticing you weren’t listening to music. Here have a listen.
(Jack removes a type of music player from his pocket and rams the headphones into the scared clerk’s ears. He lets out a squeak of pain at the high volume.)
Clerk: Agh, what was that?
Jack of Blades: Why, that was Johnny Cash’s ‘Man Comes Around: American Recordings Volume 4.’ I thought this would be an appropriate time to have a random shill for a favoured music artist. I shall take my leave, regardless of this happening.
(Jack turns to leave before remembering his original intention of entering this den of expensive tat and uncomfortable clothing.)
Jack of Blades: Oh, do you know, where the Cool Wear clothing range is?
Clerk: Oh, that stuff, yeah, I’d check the ‘good will’ store if I were you. It’s down by Gamestop.
Jack of Blades: Thank you, attendant of the opulent attire.
(Jack exists the store as the camera watches the perplexed clerk try and calculate the series of events that has just taken place. Upon leaving the store, Jack of Blades is greeted by Jesper, who while his boss has been away, has taken it upon himself to buy a greasy hotdog. He bites into it as Jack loves at him despairingly.)
Jesper Reisert: Get what you want, boss?
Jack of Blades: Unfortunately not. Let us head further into the Beast’s belly as we search for luxuries for the happy couple.
Jesper Reisert: I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this week. I mean, usually when you’ve got a match, you have spent the two first days of the week, raping their women and torturing their children. This week, though, you haven’t asked me to get anything from the hardware store that can cut through limbs. This wedding thing, stopping you from doing it?
Jack of Blades: Maybe. Maybe I am an old romantic at heart and cannot be bothered with such medial tasks on the week when two close associates come together to proclaim their powerful feelings of love. Maybe, I don’t consider them a threat. Maybe I spent the past few days dealing with legal associates of ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’ and didn’t have enough of an opportunity to do such horrible things.
Jesper Reisert: Ok, boss. Although that Teacher guy seems to not like you.
Jack of Blades: It’s Torture and I assure you he doesn’t. That is perhaps why I’ve devoted most of my free time this week in labelling him a homeless, preacher-esque charlatan of the sport of professional wrestling. Besides, that ‘Creeping Death’ fellow is probably lying dead in a ditch somewhere and I’ll reply to that ‘Dake’ when I’m supplied with this week’s promo tapes, in my own unique way. And when I do receive Dake’s entry, I’ll decide to watch the entire ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy as I fancy some lighter viewing.
Jesper Reisert: Right boss.
(The camera cuts to a view of the pair of them coming down the escalator. Suddenly, Blades ducks down to the ground before popping back up with a smile on his face. They eventually reach the bottom and wait for the mother and her young son in front to step off. The mother does so without a hitch but as the son goes to leave the moving step, he trips headfirst and plants his skull into the marble floor. The mother tries to pull him up but to no avail. She soon realises that someone has tied his shoelaces to the escalator and the step has now passed through the grid pulling her son along with him. Blades jumps over the human heap with a laugh as Jesper continues to ride the banister until he exits. Blades looks pleased with himself but his victory is cut short when Jesper taps his employer on the shoulder.)
Jesper Reisert: Boss, can we get some food?
Jack of Blades: You’ve just eaten. Why such a capacious belly on you. I suppose it has something to do with what they served you in prison, am I right?
Jesper Reisert: Yeah, ok but I could do with a burger.
Jack of Blades: Fine. The food court is just up ahead.
(They move onwards to the cheap restaurant and enter the queue to be served. Upon reaching the till, Jesper places his order and leaves to find a seat. Jack of Blades moves forward.)
Jack of Blades: A coffee, my good vendor of botulism and artery sealant.
Restaurant Employee: Ok, we’ve got mocha, mocha java, java alone, venti, grande, iced tall, iced grande, iced vendi, piccolo, mezzo, frappe, frappe mocha, dry, wet, soy, cappuccino, decafe, caffinated.
Jack of Blades: But no coffee?
(Jack leaves the line and sits down with Jesper who has been handed his meal by a waitress. Jesper opens up his burger to examine it. Jack notices that they have left a newspaper in their rush. He picks it up and begins to tear through the pages as if searching for something specific.)
Jesper Reisert: Watcha doing, boss?
Jack of Blades: Looking for the funnies.
(Jesper notices that Jack threw the comic page over his shoulder as he spoke to him.)
Jesper Reisert: You just missed it, boss.
(Not paying any notice) Jack of Blades: Ah, here we go. Oh, this one’s good. Wanna hear? It reads ‘John Hutchinson’, aged 72, loved father, grandfather and friend, will be missed by all.’
(Jack bursts into his fit of laughter again causing many of the diners to stop eating and look on somewhat shocked at the scene. Jesper hurriedly eats his meal forcing the pair of them to take their leave. Jack manages to recover his composure enough to leave the food court without any further outbursts.)
Jesper Reisert: Hey, boss, I gotta couple phone calls to make. Can I--?
Jack of Blades: Of course, go.
(They move in separate paths; Jack to find a gift for Lawnmower, Jesper to dial whomever. The camera follows Jack of Blades as he enters a nearby electronics store. Upon entering, he is greeted by an eager attendant looking for some commission.)
Electronics Retailer: Hello, sir. Anything particular that you want from us, today?
Jack of Blades: Well, I’m here to follow the appropriate scenario of when someone’s life is terminated by their own misadventure.
(Bothered) Electronic Retailer: The um, funeral parlour is down the street.
Jack of Blades: I’m an attendee at a wedding.
Electronic Retailer: Oh, I see. British wit, huh. You want a gift for them? Well are they looking to start a family?
Jack of Blades: I don’t think that’s humanly possible.
Electronic Retailer: Oh, the groom’s hard to tie down here. Well, how about this jukebox here? Holds five hundred tracks, neon lighting. Remote control supplied along with inbuilt speakers. May bring an air of ‘bachelor pad’ to the happy home.
Jack of Blades: No, I don’t think that’s right.
Electronic Retailer: The bride not too excited to have him so amused. Wants him on a leash, huh? Bother her, right?
Jack of Blades: I doubt it what with the very obvious lack of ears.
(The Electronic Retailer stares at his customer a while before shaking it off. Determined to get this sale, he continues trying to pawn his stock.)
Electronic Retailer: Well, how about something to keep the home happy if not the people in it? And nothing says happy like a nice exterior and this lawn trimmer will do just that. Now, it’s on sale so –
Jack of Blades: No, I don’t want to make the bride jealous. Just give me a toaster.
