Call me...Banana Man

[Deleted]

[It's early afternoon. The temperature is in the mid-40s. The snow and ice from days earlier has mostly melted, but still covers parts of the ground. Despite the temperature, Bobby Cairo is riding his bike to Bolts Quackenbush's apartment building, wearing just a white T-shirt and black workout pants. Bobby parks his bike at the front entrance of the building and takes the elevator up to Quackenbush's apartment. He rings the doorbell and Bolts, wearing the same gray sweat suit from their last encounter, greets him while eating a banana.]

Bolts Quackenbush: "Bobby, I'm glad you could make it. I have someone here that I'd like you to meet. Man, this is a really good banana. Bobby, this is Sal Gilberti. He's going to help you with your training today."

Bobby Cairo: "Oh, I know Sal. I met him one night at the Laundromat. He was wearing a pink muumuu."

[Sal, a short man of generous proportions, waddles over towards Bobby.]

Sal Gilberti: "Bobby, it's so wonderful to see you again. I'm very excited to be a part of your training team."

Bobby Cairo: "No offense, but how can you possibly help train me for my match against Creeping Death?"

Sal Gilberti: "I'm a master of cardiovascular fitness."

Bobby Cairo: "Bolts, this is a joke, right?"

Bolts Quackenbush: "Not at all, Bobby. This man will whip you into shape faster than Oprah Winphrey gobbles down a pepperoni pizza."

Sal Gilberti: "Pepperoni pizza? Oh my God... I've gotta sit down!"

[Sal's face is flush and he nearly faints, but Bolts rushes over to Sal and helps him to the couch.]

Bolts Quackenbush: "Try to put it out of your mind, Sal. Just don't think about it."

Bobby Cairo: "This is ridiculous. You can't even mention the 'p-word' without him falling apart. This man is in no way qualified to help me train, Bolts."

Bolts Quackenbush: "That's nonsense and I won't hear another word of it. I told you last time, Bobby; you either do this my way or you hit the road."

[Bobby rolls his eyes.]

Bobby Cairo: "Fine. I'll do it your way, but I'm still skeptical."

Bolts Quackenbush: "As long as you do what I tell you, you can be skeptical about whatever you want to be skeptical about."

[After Sal regains his composure, the training session finally begins.]

Bolts Quackenbush: "Bobby, are you familiar with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?"

Bobby Cairo: "Of course. When we were younger, my friends and I would play against each other all the time."

Bolts Quackenbush: "I want you to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots against Sal. It will vastly improve your hand-eye coordination."

Bobby Cairo: "Do you think Sal is ready for that kind of strenuous physical activity?"

Bolts Quackenbush: "I know Sal is ready. Do you think you're ready?"

Bobby Cairo: "I'm ready. Bring it on, bitch!"

[Bolts sets up the game on the coffee table. Bobby and Sal sit down across from each other.]

Bolts Quackenbush: "I'm going to count to three, then I want you guys to come out swinging."

Sal Gilberti: "Wait... do we go on three or after three?"

Bolts Quackenbush: "After three."

Bobby Cairo: "Why can't we go on three?"

Bolts Quackenbush: "Because I said so, now get ready. One... two... three... GO!"

[The two competitors battle back and forth for 5 seconds before Sal knocks Bobby's head off.]

Bobby Cairo: "Shit!"

Sal Gilberti: "Yes! I'm the man! Who the man? I'm the man!"

Bolts Quackenbush: "Ok. Calm down. We're going again, gentlemen. Take your marks. One... two... three... GO!"

[More back and forth action, this time Bobby earns the hard-fought victory.]

Bobby Cairo: "Who's the man now, chump! Ha-ha!"

Sal Gilberti: "You bastard."

Bolts Quackenbush: "This is the rubber match, guys. The winner of this third and deciding contest takes the prize and the glory."

Sal Gilberti: "What's the prize?"

Bolts Quackenbush: "A ripe, juicy, delicious... banana!"

Bobby Cairo: "Hot damn!"

Bolts Quackenbush: "Okay, get ready. This is for all the marbles. One... two... three... GO!"

[The two competitors begin battling at a furious pace. After several close calls, Bobby knocks out Sal to win the match.]

Bobby Cairo: "I won! I won! I'm the winner!"

Sal Gilberti: "Dammit! I had him! I had his ass!"

Bolts Quackenbush: "Calm down, Sal. Relax. It's just a game."

Bobby Cairo: "Where's my banana?"

[Bolts presents an ecstatic Bobby Cairo with the championship banana.]

Bolts Quackenbush: "Enjoy it in good health, Bobby."

[Bobby quickly devours his prize, and then belches.]

Bobby Cairo: "Well, this has been a blast, guys, but I think I've had enough training for one day. Catch ya later, dudes."

Bolts Quackenbush: "Okay. Take care, Bobby."

[Bobby leaves while Bolts walks over and consoles the distraught Sal.]

Bolts Quackenbush: "I'll give you a banana if you stop crying."