Post by Steve Catt on Apr 9, 2007 22:00:04 GMT -5
:::Fade in to what appears to be some sort of utility room or janitorial facility. Merc is sitting behind a table facing the open door. The door has a sign on it which says "Administrative Assistant Applicants This Way" and an arrow pointing into the room. Merc addresses the camera.:::
Merc: You're a little late, but you haven't missed much. Just setting up here. Now, we play the waiting game.
Cameraman: The waiting game sucks. Let's play Hu--
Merc: Stop right there. Don't even say it. That unprofessional attitude is the sort of thing that's bringing this place down. It's no wonder with someone like Seth Lerch running the show. I mean, the cameraman shouldn't even be talking. You know what, you all should be thanking us. Team NCW is going to put the dying vegetable that is WCF out of it's misery. It's going to be a whole new world order.
Cameraman: A what?
Merc: A new world order.
Cameraman: I don't think you realize what you just said.
Merc: What are you talking about? I just said it twice. Here, I'll say it again: new world order.
Cameraman: Don't you realize what that's from?
Merc: Woodrow Wilson's Fourteen Points. The original descriptions for the United Nations. George Herbert Walker Bush describing post-Cold War relations with the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Am I close?
Cameraman: I meant in wrestling terms.
Merc: Then no, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Cameraman: Well, you see--
:::Just then someone walks in through the door, although "trips in" might be more accurate. He is a young man with shaggy hair and bloodshot eyes.:::
Dude: Uh hey, is this where the job interview is?
Merc: This would be...
:::Merc pauses and sniffs as he apparently smells something in the air.:::
Merc: Um...yes. This would be the place.
Dude: O.K.
:::A somewhat long and awkward silence.:::
Merc: So...what's your name?
Dude: ...wait, what?
Merc: Next.
Dude: Wait, what?
:::Merc addresses the camera.:::
Merc: Just shut it off for now. It might be a while before another one comes in. Either way this is going to be on TV, you know. So you better edit this part out later.
Cameraman: ...wait, what?
Merc: Give me that.
:::A cut which indicates to us that what followed was indeed edited out later. Cutting to a well-dressed young go-getter sitting in a chair in front of the desk.:::
Merc: So, who are you?
Some guy: I'm Rick Jame!!!!!!!!.....ison.
:::A much longer and more awkward silence.:::
Guy: Ha ha? Cause my name is Rick Jamison, so, it's like, Rick James. Except different.
Merc: ...
Guy: You know, Dave Chapelle?
Merc: ...
Guy: ...bitch?
Merc: Get out.
:::Cut to nervous twitchy guy sitting in the seat.:::
Tweak: Gaah!
Merc: Um...I don't think you're what we're looking for.
Tweak: But you haven't even seen my resumè.
Merc: Just...please get out.
:::Cut to someone very loud. Apparently this cut is half-way into the interview process.:::
Loud: Look, you have to hire me! It's like, discrimination if you don't!
Merc: Uh, no?
:::The applicant stands up and points his finger at Merc.:::
Loud: Man, you're just another corporate fascist working for "the man"! You can't handle me 'cause I'm too real!
Merc: Aren't you the first guy I kicked out?
Loud: I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!
Merc: Chill out.
Loud: I can't chill out! There's too much evil in the world, man! If you're not enraged then you're not paying attention!
Merc: Well, on the plus side between your rage problem and all the drugs you probably do it sounds like you're going to have a heart attack before it gets to the point where I have to kill you myself.
Loud: Man, you're such a normie. You need to open your mind man, 'cause this right now, this is bull$&!%.
:::Merc stands up out of his chair and gets right in front of the applicant.:::
Merc: No...THIS...IS...MY OFFICE! TEMPORARILY!
:::Merc kicks him in the chest and he falls out of the room and down a flight of stairs.:::
Merc: Wow, I didn't even notice those there.
:::He leans his head out the door and faces a line of applicants.:::
Merc: Next!
:::Most of them look at each other, and then walk away. Remaining is a young chubby guy with unkempt facial hair and thick glasses. He walks into the room and takes a seat as Merc does the same.:::
Merc: I've wasted a lot of time with these jerks, so I'm going to skip all the what's-your-name stuff and get straight to the point. What do you currently spend most of your time doing?
Nerd: Well, I roleplay.
Merc: What, like Dungeons & Dragons?
Nerd: Yes, something like that.
:::He pushes his glasses further up his nose.:::
Merc: Something like that?
Nerd: Well, you see, I play the games, but I don't actually do any roleplaying. I make my characters, and write little stories that have to do with them or the other characters they're fighting, but I don't ever actually put myself in their shoes and make them say things.
Merc: Uh, OK. What do your friends think about that?
Nerd: Well, they hate it of course. I'm not playing the way it's supposed to be played. I think I'm this close to getting kicked out, or at least punished somehow. Losing my belt or the like.
Merc: Belt?
Nerd: Oh, yeah, my main character has this belt that gives a plus five bonus to--
Merc: Forget I asked.
Nerd: Right-o.
Merc: So, if they hate this so much, why do you do it?
Nerd: Because I'm a selfish bastard who cares for no one's enjoyment but my own.
Merc: That's...that's...great! That's the best answer I've heard from anyone all day. With that attitude and a little training in backstage politics, you could be a World Champion!
Nerd: Really?
Merc: Of course! You're a finalist for this job for sure. Now get out of my office and I'll call you back.
Nerd: Excelsior!
:::He leaves and the door closes.:::
Merc: God, I hate people like that.
Cameraman: But you said...
Merc: Yes, I said he could be a World Champion...in WCF. With Seth Lerch running it. I hate all these damn selfish politicking bastards. The sad thing is, it was true that that was the best stuff I've heard all day, despite that stupid accent. Who's going to take me seriously when my assistant talks like that? Anyway, whoever comes next is going to be the last guy, cause I'm sick of this. One of these wankers is going to get hired. Ah crap, that talk is already rubbing off on me...
:::The door opens and in walks the most casually-dressed applicant so far in a black T-shirt and blue jeans. He has long brown hair and a strange two-part moustache which hangs down and makes him look a little like a catfish. He starts speaking in a heavy Scandinavian accent:::
: Hallo, my name is Mattias, and I am from Norway. Isn't that weird?
Merc: Not really. I knew a guy from Denmark once.
Mattias: Bah...the Dutch.
Merc: Actually, the Dutch live in Holland.
:::Long pause.:::
Mattias: I am sorrys, my English is not so goods. I meants to say I am hatings the Dutch.
:::Merc starts speaking aside to the camera.:::
Merc: Well, this guy sounds worse than the last one, and his geographical ignorance and bigotry would be a liability in the field. Not that that matters much here. We're already at the bottom of the barrel. Might as well keep on going.
:::He turns back to Mattias.:::
Merc: Now, do you have any experience with secretar--I mean, administrative assistant work?
Mattias: No, not really, I am not do much goods with the assistanceanceing, but here is my credentials.
:::He hands his resumè to Merc. He looks over it with feigned interest.:::
Merc: Let's see...time in the Royal Navy, then some mercenary work...wait, what?
Cameraman: "Wait, what" what?
Merc: Shut up, let me read. Time spent in Kosovo, where you...wow, that job was you?
Mattias: Officially, no.
Merc: Good man. Let's see here...wow, this is really impressive. You're hired!
Mattias: Oh, dildos.
Merc: No, I said you're hired. You get the job.
Mattias: Brilliant!
Merc: Huh?
Mattias: Oh, I'm sorry, I learn my English from the English. They tell me they use different words sometime.
Merc: I can't win.
:::Fade out.:::
Mattias: Can we play Hungry Hungry Hippos?
Merc: At least I only have one more thing to take care of, then I can finally get some training in.
Cameraman: Wait, what?
Merc: Shut up...is that thing still on?
Cameraman: I DON'T KNOW!
Merc: You're a little late, but you haven't missed much. Just setting up here. Now, we play the waiting game.
Cameraman: The waiting game sucks. Let's play Hu--
Merc: Stop right there. Don't even say it. That unprofessional attitude is the sort of thing that's bringing this place down. It's no wonder with someone like Seth Lerch running the show. I mean, the cameraman shouldn't even be talking. You know what, you all should be thanking us. Team NCW is going to put the dying vegetable that is WCF out of it's misery. It's going to be a whole new world order.
Cameraman: A what?
Merc: A new world order.
Cameraman: I don't think you realize what you just said.
Merc: What are you talking about? I just said it twice. Here, I'll say it again: new world order.
Cameraman: Don't you realize what that's from?
Merc: Woodrow Wilson's Fourteen Points. The original descriptions for the United Nations. George Herbert Walker Bush describing post-Cold War relations with the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Am I close?
Cameraman: I meant in wrestling terms.
Merc: Then no, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Cameraman: Well, you see--
:::Just then someone walks in through the door, although "trips in" might be more accurate. He is a young man with shaggy hair and bloodshot eyes.:::
Dude: Uh hey, is this where the job interview is?
Merc: This would be...
:::Merc pauses and sniffs as he apparently smells something in the air.:::
Merc: Um...yes. This would be the place.
Dude: O.K.
:::A somewhat long and awkward silence.:::
Merc: So...what's your name?
Dude: ...wait, what?
Merc: Next.
Dude: Wait, what?
:::Merc addresses the camera.:::
Merc: Just shut it off for now. It might be a while before another one comes in. Either way this is going to be on TV, you know. So you better edit this part out later.
Cameraman: ...wait, what?
Merc: Give me that.
:::A cut which indicates to us that what followed was indeed edited out later. Cutting to a well-dressed young go-getter sitting in a chair in front of the desk.:::
Merc: So, who are you?
Some guy: I'm Rick Jame!!!!!!!!.....ison.
:::A much longer and more awkward silence.:::
Guy: Ha ha? Cause my name is Rick Jamison, so, it's like, Rick James. Except different.
Merc: ...
Guy: You know, Dave Chapelle?
Merc: ...
Guy: ...bitch?
Merc: Get out.
:::Cut to nervous twitchy guy sitting in the seat.:::
Tweak: Gaah!
Merc: Um...I don't think you're what we're looking for.
Tweak: But you haven't even seen my resumè.
Merc: Just...please get out.
:::Cut to someone very loud. Apparently this cut is half-way into the interview process.:::
Loud: Look, you have to hire me! It's like, discrimination if you don't!
Merc: Uh, no?
:::The applicant stands up and points his finger at Merc.:::
Loud: Man, you're just another corporate fascist working for "the man"! You can't handle me 'cause I'm too real!
Merc: Aren't you the first guy I kicked out?
Loud: I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!
Merc: Chill out.
Loud: I can't chill out! There's too much evil in the world, man! If you're not enraged then you're not paying attention!
Merc: Well, on the plus side between your rage problem and all the drugs you probably do it sounds like you're going to have a heart attack before it gets to the point where I have to kill you myself.
Loud: Man, you're such a normie. You need to open your mind man, 'cause this right now, this is bull$&!%.
:::Merc stands up out of his chair and gets right in front of the applicant.:::
Merc: No...THIS...IS...MY OFFICE! TEMPORARILY!
:::Merc kicks him in the chest and he falls out of the room and down a flight of stairs.:::
Merc: Wow, I didn't even notice those there.
:::He leans his head out the door and faces a line of applicants.:::
Merc: Next!
:::Most of them look at each other, and then walk away. Remaining is a young chubby guy with unkempt facial hair and thick glasses. He walks into the room and takes a seat as Merc does the same.:::
Merc: I've wasted a lot of time with these jerks, so I'm going to skip all the what's-your-name stuff and get straight to the point. What do you currently spend most of your time doing?
Nerd: Well, I roleplay.
Merc: What, like Dungeons & Dragons?
Nerd: Yes, something like that.
:::He pushes his glasses further up his nose.:::
Merc: Something like that?
Nerd: Well, you see, I play the games, but I don't actually do any roleplaying. I make my characters, and write little stories that have to do with them or the other characters they're fighting, but I don't ever actually put myself in their shoes and make them say things.
Merc: Uh, OK. What do your friends think about that?
Nerd: Well, they hate it of course. I'm not playing the way it's supposed to be played. I think I'm this close to getting kicked out, or at least punished somehow. Losing my belt or the like.
Merc: Belt?
Nerd: Oh, yeah, my main character has this belt that gives a plus five bonus to--
Merc: Forget I asked.
Nerd: Right-o.
Merc: So, if they hate this so much, why do you do it?
Nerd: Because I'm a selfish bastard who cares for no one's enjoyment but my own.
Merc: That's...that's...great! That's the best answer I've heard from anyone all day. With that attitude and a little training in backstage politics, you could be a World Champion!
Nerd: Really?
Merc: Of course! You're a finalist for this job for sure. Now get out of my office and I'll call you back.
Nerd: Excelsior!
:::He leaves and the door closes.:::
Merc: God, I hate people like that.
Cameraman: But you said...
Merc: Yes, I said he could be a World Champion...in WCF. With Seth Lerch running it. I hate all these damn selfish politicking bastards. The sad thing is, it was true that that was the best stuff I've heard all day, despite that stupid accent. Who's going to take me seriously when my assistant talks like that? Anyway, whoever comes next is going to be the last guy, cause I'm sick of this. One of these wankers is going to get hired. Ah crap, that talk is already rubbing off on me...
:::The door opens and in walks the most casually-dressed applicant so far in a black T-shirt and blue jeans. He has long brown hair and a strange two-part moustache which hangs down and makes him look a little like a catfish. He starts speaking in a heavy Scandinavian accent:::
: Hallo, my name is Mattias, and I am from Norway. Isn't that weird?Merc: Not really. I knew a guy from Denmark once.
Mattias: Bah...the Dutch.
Merc: Actually, the Dutch live in Holland.
:::Long pause.:::
Mattias: I am sorrys, my English is not so goods. I meants to say I am hatings the Dutch.
:::Merc starts speaking aside to the camera.:::
Merc: Well, this guy sounds worse than the last one, and his geographical ignorance and bigotry would be a liability in the field. Not that that matters much here. We're already at the bottom of the barrel. Might as well keep on going.
:::He turns back to Mattias.:::
Merc: Now, do you have any experience with secretar--I mean, administrative assistant work?
Mattias: No, not really, I am not do much goods with the assistanceanceing, but here is my credentials.
:::He hands his resumè to Merc. He looks over it with feigned interest.:::
Merc: Let's see...time in the Royal Navy, then some mercenary work...wait, what?
Cameraman: "Wait, what" what?
Merc: Shut up, let me read. Time spent in Kosovo, where you...wow, that job was you?
Mattias: Officially, no.
Merc: Good man. Let's see here...wow, this is really impressive. You're hired!
Mattias: Oh, dildos.
Merc: No, I said you're hired. You get the job.
Mattias: Brilliant!
Merc: Huh?
Mattias: Oh, I'm sorry, I learn my English from the English. They tell me they use different words sometime.
Merc: I can't win.
:::Fade out.:::
Mattias: Can we play Hungry Hungry Hippos?
Merc: At least I only have one more thing to take care of, then I can finally get some training in.
Cameraman: Wait, what?
Merc: Shut up...is that thing still on?
Cameraman: I DON'T KNOW!
