Post by Deleted on May 27, 2007 13:25:17 GMT -5
Almaedo Canyon is a land of myth and merriment. Dragons roam free in a calming breeze while the sun shines down on you and me. Is this land fact or fiction? Only Cairo knows for sure. Cairo does not often venture to this place, but this week is an important one for the Television Champion. Cairo is seeking enlightenment as he prepares to defend his title against young ragamuffin Mike Ragnal at the Timebomb pay-per-view extravaganza. Cairo is trekking through the white sands along his journey to meet the Giver of Life. The Giver of Life, or Dave as he is known to his family and friends, is the overseer of all things in Almaedo Canyon. No one knows for sure if Dave is truly the one who brought life to this land, but he was sitting on a makeshift throne and drinking milk straight from the carton when everybody arrived. Thus his legend was born and the people praised His name. Cairo is impertinent as he slogs along in his jogging outfit and perfectly swathed K-Swiss sneakers. Cairo makes sure to avoid any camel droppings or black holes as he recently purchased those shiny new sneakers and he doesn't want anything bad to happen to them. Cairo continues marching for another 50 miles or so before he encounters the first living soul that he's seen in days. Cairo instantly recognizes the young man with the pink, spiky hair and fishnet shirt. No this is not Jeff Hardy; it's the resident libertine Gypsy Spree. Cairo approaches Gypsy and extends his hand in a manner of greeting.
Bobby Cairo: I am Cairo. I have journeyed to this land in search of Dave or as you might know him the Giver of Life, but I cannot seem to locate his presence. It is of the utmost importance that I speak with him. I am preparing for my title defense against Michael Ragnal and I feel that Dave's dulcet tones will drop some straight up funky science on my ass. Michael Ragnal is a worthy adversary yet I cannot quite seem to find the proper motivation as I inch closer to our match. Why does Ragnal frustrate me so? How may I get into Sasha's pants? These questions burn a hole inside of me that spans a thousand years wide. I've wandered upon a moonlit cavern in search of my epiphany, but I've found nothing of substance. All that I've uncovered is empty pizza boxes and soiled undergarments. No more beautiful women for Cairo. All I know is lies and pain. I want to deceive those who would harm me. I want to make them swallow their tails while they dream of smorgasbords and Swedish meatballs. The reality of gold and dust is a thin line. Do we awaken with a fistful of dollars or a hatchet to the brow? Where is Dave dammit?!
Gypsy Spree: I am sorry, Cairo. Dave is no longer with us. He left this place long ago. However, he did leave a message for you. He imparted to me the outline of one simple creed. Cairo, you must ride the crimson wave of bloodshed and pandemonium until nothing remains but you and yours. Your sexual toys will not abandon you, quite the contrary. Your penis will find great comfort from the outlay of a Caucasian whore. Violence will not be glorified, though you will meet your match. When this day comes you must utilize every moment of fear, hate, guilt and pride that you've ever experienced. Every bone in your body will splinter as you are pushed to your limits. Your vital organs will reach the verge of dissolution, but you will not quit. You will watch your opponent's face melt into the ground as you inflict a punishment upon him that would cause God himself to wither and die.
Cairo stares into the sun as Gypsy Spree's words encompass his being. Cairo encounters an overwhelming enchantment and drops to the ground. Cairo sprawls out on the sand and flaps his arms and legs creating "sand angels". Gypsy laughs and helps Cairo to his feet. Together they walk over to a nearby cooler filled to the brim with cans upon cans of ice-cold Heineken.
Bobby Cairo: Ah yes this is the life, my friend. Neither France nor Hawaii nor Niagara Falls can compare to the beauty of Almaedo Canyon. This desert life privates a humble abode for millions of lifeforms, both physical and metaphysical. A lesson can be learned by all of us, Gypsy Spree. Why can't we live as one without combat and conflict? We place such importance upon winning and losing wrestling matches, but why must we destroy? I believe that we can hold a competition without trying to cease the existence of other beings. We can appreciate the talents of our adversaries and honor them in the wake of a fair and thrilling contest.
Gypsy Spree: I would agree with you, Cairo, if only your logic didn't conflict with the law of nature; a law which states that only the strong survive. This means that the weak will be masticated for days as the victor is lavished with gifts. Ragnal will show you no mercy, Cairo. He will show the proper respect in consideration of your abilities, but he will revel in breaking you down and destroying you. Ragnal is not a cuddly, little kitty cat. He is a trained and motivated killing machine and you are #1 on his hitlist. Do you comprehend what this means, Cairo? Do you understand that your demise awaits you if you are not prepared for this man and this match?
Cairo spins around in circles until he's dizzy. The combination of alcohol and disorientation causes Cairo to drop to one knee and blow chunks, much like Donovan McNabb in the Superbowl. Cairo wipes his mouth with his shirt sleeve before turning his attention toward Gypsy.
Bobby Cairo: I hear what you are saying, Gypsy Spree, yet I simply cannot be cynical like you. I believe that Ragnal is a good man and he will not attempt to injure me. We will have a good match and I will prevail because Ragnal has too much respect for me to try to beat me. I have taken Ragnal under my wing and provided him with the tutelage necessary to have a long and vital career. Ragnal will show me the proper loyalty.
Gypsy Spree shakes his head and spits a loogie into the sand. Gypsy takes a long chug of beer, then wipes the sweat from his brow.
Gypsy Spree: The heat is almost overbearing here in the canyon, but not nearly as overbearing as your naivete. You are delusional, Cairo. You are not thinking in terms of reality, you are fantasizing about something that could never be. You want to have sex with Sasha and make her your lover forever? You want Ragnal to be your underling, your pupil, or perhaps even your lackey? Cairo, you are playing a dangerous game. The smoke and mirrors inside of your mind are clouding your judgment. You can be great if you so choose, Cairo, but not without putting in the work. You cannot simply snap your fingers and make your deepest desires come true.
Bobby Cairo: But what of my domain, Gypsy Spree? What of my dominion? Why has my flock strayed? I turned away for just a moment and when I turned back I found that all of my friends had abandoned me. Do you know what it's like to lose everything, Gypsy Spree? All of the ones that I loved are now ghosts of yesterday. What is Cairo's motivation for taking another breath? What is Cairo's motivation for taking another step?
Gypsy Spree: Your motivation is simple, Cairo: You have no goddamned alternative. You exist for one sole, solitary function. That function is to wreak havoc upon the insolent and contaminate the masses. You are the Giver of Life, Cairo. You have freed millions of slaves; Slaves to mainstream thinking and ideology, slaves to industry, slaves to impulse. This is your motivation, Cairo, because you are the messiah. You are a glimmer of hope and so much more. You have sparked the flames of revolution. We are no longer drones of consumption, politicians, or propagandists. We pledge ourselves to us because we finally know true freedom. You have shown us the light. This is why we want you to understand something, Cairo. Your supporters have never abandoned you and we will never abandon you, but there is one thing that you should remember. If you abandon us we will be left to follow the very trends that you have fought so hard to defeat and erase from existence. We will follow the trends because we go as you go, Cairo, and if you tarnish our memory of this place then we will never again know truth.
Cairo ponders his dilemma while popping open another can of Heineken. Cairo realizes that his supporters are counting on him to blaze the trails and lead the resistance, but Cairo is also beginning to feel the strain of great sacrifice and heartache. In this moment, Cairo is feeling selfish. He is feeling the need for an instant gratification.
Bobby Cairo: I will continue to lead you, Gypsy Spree, but I will also need something from you.
Gypsy stares at Cairo with a quizzical expression on his face.
Gypsy Spree: Cairo, your leadership is of the utmost importance to me and to all of us, but I do not swing that way. I never have and I never will.
Cairo chuckles intently.
Bobby Cairo: Hahahaha! You amuse me, Gypsy Spree, but I am not alluding to any sort of homoerotic sexual innuendo. No you see I am in the mood for an impromptu jam session. Are you familiar with 70s pop singer Johnny Nash?
Gypsy Spree: Is he the guy that did "I Can See Clearly Now"?
Bobby Cairo: Yes that's him! I'm gonna play the tambourine and you're gonna play the acoustic guitar while Johnny Nash sings his one famous song.
A cloud of smoke appears and out of it steps the man himself, Mr. Johnny Nash. Nash is wearing the same patent leather jumpsuit that he wore on the Midnight Special nearly 35 years ago. Sure he's packed on a few pounds since then, but let's give Johnny credit for being able to squeeze into that thing.
Johnny Nash: Hey, guys, how's it going?
Bobby Cairo: Johnny! What's happening, my man? Listen, are you ready to get down and boogie because there's some fly honeys waitin' to shake they groove thang all up in this joint!
Johnny Nash: Johnny Nash can dig that. Let's do this thang.
Johnny grabs his mic and sways to the music as Gypsy strums the opening chords of "I Can See Clearly Now" and Bobby bangs on that sweet, sweet tambourine.
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It’s gonna be a bright...
Cairo and Gypsy together: Bright!
Johnny Nash: Bright!
Cairo and Gypsy together: Bright!
All three together: Sun-shiny day!
Johnny Nash: I think I can make it now, the pain is gone. All of the bad feelings have disappeared. Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin' for. It’s gonna be a bright...
Cairo and Gypsy together: Bright!
Johnny Nash: Bright!
Cairo and Gypsy together: Bright!
All three together: Sun-shiny day!
The music crescendos into a haze of Jimi Hendrix guitar solos and other non-sequitors before slowly fading out. The three gentlemen exchange high fives and smoke blunts while all the sexy ladies in the place take their clothes off and we got a party goin' on up in herre yo.
Bobby Cairo: I am Cairo. I have journeyed to this land in search of Dave or as you might know him the Giver of Life, but I cannot seem to locate his presence. It is of the utmost importance that I speak with him. I am preparing for my title defense against Michael Ragnal and I feel that Dave's dulcet tones will drop some straight up funky science on my ass. Michael Ragnal is a worthy adversary yet I cannot quite seem to find the proper motivation as I inch closer to our match. Why does Ragnal frustrate me so? How may I get into Sasha's pants? These questions burn a hole inside of me that spans a thousand years wide. I've wandered upon a moonlit cavern in search of my epiphany, but I've found nothing of substance. All that I've uncovered is empty pizza boxes and soiled undergarments. No more beautiful women for Cairo. All I know is lies and pain. I want to deceive those who would harm me. I want to make them swallow their tails while they dream of smorgasbords and Swedish meatballs. The reality of gold and dust is a thin line. Do we awaken with a fistful of dollars or a hatchet to the brow? Where is Dave dammit?!
Gypsy Spree: I am sorry, Cairo. Dave is no longer with us. He left this place long ago. However, he did leave a message for you. He imparted to me the outline of one simple creed. Cairo, you must ride the crimson wave of bloodshed and pandemonium until nothing remains but you and yours. Your sexual toys will not abandon you, quite the contrary. Your penis will find great comfort from the outlay of a Caucasian whore. Violence will not be glorified, though you will meet your match. When this day comes you must utilize every moment of fear, hate, guilt and pride that you've ever experienced. Every bone in your body will splinter as you are pushed to your limits. Your vital organs will reach the verge of dissolution, but you will not quit. You will watch your opponent's face melt into the ground as you inflict a punishment upon him that would cause God himself to wither and die.
Cairo stares into the sun as Gypsy Spree's words encompass his being. Cairo encounters an overwhelming enchantment and drops to the ground. Cairo sprawls out on the sand and flaps his arms and legs creating "sand angels". Gypsy laughs and helps Cairo to his feet. Together they walk over to a nearby cooler filled to the brim with cans upon cans of ice-cold Heineken.
Bobby Cairo: Ah yes this is the life, my friend. Neither France nor Hawaii nor Niagara Falls can compare to the beauty of Almaedo Canyon. This desert life privates a humble abode for millions of lifeforms, both physical and metaphysical. A lesson can be learned by all of us, Gypsy Spree. Why can't we live as one without combat and conflict? We place such importance upon winning and losing wrestling matches, but why must we destroy? I believe that we can hold a competition without trying to cease the existence of other beings. We can appreciate the talents of our adversaries and honor them in the wake of a fair and thrilling contest.
Gypsy Spree: I would agree with you, Cairo, if only your logic didn't conflict with the law of nature; a law which states that only the strong survive. This means that the weak will be masticated for days as the victor is lavished with gifts. Ragnal will show you no mercy, Cairo. He will show the proper respect in consideration of your abilities, but he will revel in breaking you down and destroying you. Ragnal is not a cuddly, little kitty cat. He is a trained and motivated killing machine and you are #1 on his hitlist. Do you comprehend what this means, Cairo? Do you understand that your demise awaits you if you are not prepared for this man and this match?
Cairo spins around in circles until he's dizzy. The combination of alcohol and disorientation causes Cairo to drop to one knee and blow chunks, much like Donovan McNabb in the Superbowl. Cairo wipes his mouth with his shirt sleeve before turning his attention toward Gypsy.
Bobby Cairo: I hear what you are saying, Gypsy Spree, yet I simply cannot be cynical like you. I believe that Ragnal is a good man and he will not attempt to injure me. We will have a good match and I will prevail because Ragnal has too much respect for me to try to beat me. I have taken Ragnal under my wing and provided him with the tutelage necessary to have a long and vital career. Ragnal will show me the proper loyalty.
Gypsy Spree shakes his head and spits a loogie into the sand. Gypsy takes a long chug of beer, then wipes the sweat from his brow.
Gypsy Spree: The heat is almost overbearing here in the canyon, but not nearly as overbearing as your naivete. You are delusional, Cairo. You are not thinking in terms of reality, you are fantasizing about something that could never be. You want to have sex with Sasha and make her your lover forever? You want Ragnal to be your underling, your pupil, or perhaps even your lackey? Cairo, you are playing a dangerous game. The smoke and mirrors inside of your mind are clouding your judgment. You can be great if you so choose, Cairo, but not without putting in the work. You cannot simply snap your fingers and make your deepest desires come true.
Bobby Cairo: But what of my domain, Gypsy Spree? What of my dominion? Why has my flock strayed? I turned away for just a moment and when I turned back I found that all of my friends had abandoned me. Do you know what it's like to lose everything, Gypsy Spree? All of the ones that I loved are now ghosts of yesterday. What is Cairo's motivation for taking another breath? What is Cairo's motivation for taking another step?
Gypsy Spree: Your motivation is simple, Cairo: You have no goddamned alternative. You exist for one sole, solitary function. That function is to wreak havoc upon the insolent and contaminate the masses. You are the Giver of Life, Cairo. You have freed millions of slaves; Slaves to mainstream thinking and ideology, slaves to industry, slaves to impulse. This is your motivation, Cairo, because you are the messiah. You are a glimmer of hope and so much more. You have sparked the flames of revolution. We are no longer drones of consumption, politicians, or propagandists. We pledge ourselves to us because we finally know true freedom. You have shown us the light. This is why we want you to understand something, Cairo. Your supporters have never abandoned you and we will never abandon you, but there is one thing that you should remember. If you abandon us we will be left to follow the very trends that you have fought so hard to defeat and erase from existence. We will follow the trends because we go as you go, Cairo, and if you tarnish our memory of this place then we will never again know truth.
Cairo ponders his dilemma while popping open another can of Heineken. Cairo realizes that his supporters are counting on him to blaze the trails and lead the resistance, but Cairo is also beginning to feel the strain of great sacrifice and heartache. In this moment, Cairo is feeling selfish. He is feeling the need for an instant gratification.
Bobby Cairo: I will continue to lead you, Gypsy Spree, but I will also need something from you.
Gypsy stares at Cairo with a quizzical expression on his face.
Gypsy Spree: Cairo, your leadership is of the utmost importance to me and to all of us, but I do not swing that way. I never have and I never will.
Cairo chuckles intently.
Bobby Cairo: Hahahaha! You amuse me, Gypsy Spree, but I am not alluding to any sort of homoerotic sexual innuendo. No you see I am in the mood for an impromptu jam session. Are you familiar with 70s pop singer Johnny Nash?
Gypsy Spree: Is he the guy that did "I Can See Clearly Now"?
Bobby Cairo: Yes that's him! I'm gonna play the tambourine and you're gonna play the acoustic guitar while Johnny Nash sings his one famous song.
A cloud of smoke appears and out of it steps the man himself, Mr. Johnny Nash. Nash is wearing the same patent leather jumpsuit that he wore on the Midnight Special nearly 35 years ago. Sure he's packed on a few pounds since then, but let's give Johnny credit for being able to squeeze into that thing.
Johnny Nash: Hey, guys, how's it going?
Bobby Cairo: Johnny! What's happening, my man? Listen, are you ready to get down and boogie because there's some fly honeys waitin' to shake they groove thang all up in this joint!
Johnny Nash: Johnny Nash can dig that. Let's do this thang.
Johnny grabs his mic and sways to the music as Gypsy strums the opening chords of "I Can See Clearly Now" and Bobby bangs on that sweet, sweet tambourine.
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It’s gonna be a bright...
Cairo and Gypsy together: Bright!
Johnny Nash: Bright!
Cairo and Gypsy together: Bright!
All three together: Sun-shiny day!
Johnny Nash: I think I can make it now, the pain is gone. All of the bad feelings have disappeared. Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin' for. It’s gonna be a bright...
Cairo and Gypsy together: Bright!
Johnny Nash: Bright!
Cairo and Gypsy together: Bright!
All three together: Sun-shiny day!
The music crescendos into a haze of Jimi Hendrix guitar solos and other non-sequitors before slowly fading out. The three gentlemen exchange high fives and smoke blunts while all the sexy ladies in the place take their clothes off and we got a party goin' on up in herre yo.