Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2009 0:21:14 GMT -5
Continued from the previous entry: Closer To Home
A few hours and a few bars later, Cairo and his friends are sitting around their regular table at their regular bar, “Ike’s Tavern on the Green” in Hartford. The stained mahogany walls of the establishment are decorated with pictures of celebrities that have patronized the bar, including the quartet of men sitting at Cairo’s table.
The other patrons at the bar recognize Cairo’s crew, but no one approaches them. These are men who command respect and consideration. You don’t just walk up to men like that, not in the middle of a drinking session. Not unless you want to get your shit fucked up. You’re better off playing pool, watching a ballgame on one of the many big screen TVs, stuffing your face with chicken wings or drinking until you puke. You might even muster enough liquid courage to ask the big-titted blond woman sitting next to you to come back to your place.
Cairo, Evans, Bolts and Biohazard are sitting around their table. Each man has a beer and a shot glass in front of him, although it’s worth noting that each man has consumed several beverages already.
Bobby Cairo: “I’ve been meaning to ask you, Bio. How did you end up with the Eldorado? I thought the government took all of my shit?”
Biohazard: “They did take all of your shit AND they put it up for auction. I got the inside info from one of my government contacts, then I had one of my boys go to the auction and bid on the Caddy. I only paid three G’s for that baby, can you believe it?”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Shit, you kidding me? It’s worth ten times that much on the open market. I oughta take a trip to one of them government auctions. I could use some new wheels… and maybe a yacht.”
Cairo pats Biohazard on the shoulder.
Bobby Cairo: “I appreciate that, man. Thanks for keeping the Eldorado in the family.”
Biohazard: “Yeah, well, I figured you would want it if you ever returned. It’s a sweet ride, a real pussy magnet. Fuck, I was gonna keep it for myself if you didn't come back. It’s a beautiful car. Frankly I was sad to see it go. I knew how much it meant to you. I couldn’t let those bastards give it to some charity or church group.”
Bobby Cairo: “That’s real decent of you, Bio. How did a dreck like me end up with friends as loyal as you guys?”
Cairo puts his arms around Biohazard and Chad. Cairo motions for Bolts to join them for a group hug, but Bolts waves him off.
Chad Evans: “Hey Bobby, don’t talk like that. I mean the loyal friends part is fine, but calling yourself a dreck?”
Chad waves a drunken finger at Cairo.
Chad Evans: “What are you some kind of emo kid? I hate emos, gar!”
Chad lunges for Cairo but he’s restrained by Bolts.
Bolts Quackenbush: “Too much Jack for you, my son. Why don’t you have a seat and watch the TV? There’s a good little ballgame on there, Arkansas State and Louisiana-Monroe.”
Chad Evans: “Ahh fuck. I’m no Romney, man. I’m no Romney.”
Chad sloops down in his chair and closes his eyes; he drifts off to dreamland.
Bobby Cairo: “Bolts, Bio, man, speaking of TV, I forgot to tell you guys. CNN wants me for an interview with Larry King.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Larry fucking King? Shit, he wouldn’t even talk to you when you were world champion!”
Biohazard: “That’s pretty remarkable, Bobby. Exploitative but remarkable.”
Bobby Cairo: “I guess I’ve become something of a human interest story thanks to my disappearance and miraculous rescue. They want you guys too, but only if I agree to do the show.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “It’s your call, Bobby. If that’s something that you want to do then I’ll be there to support you. If you don’t want to do it, then that’s perfectly understandable too.”
Bobby Cairo: “Honestly, I feel like you guys deserve your moment in the spotlight.”
Biohazard: “Listen, Bobby, you don’t have to do it for us. We don’t want to make a name for ourselves based on a horrible experience that happened to you. Chad and I didn’t care about getting recognition or being labeled as heroes while we were searching for you. We wanted to help our friend. That was our only concern.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Bio is right, Bobby. This is about you. The only reason to do the interview is if it’s going to help you come to grips with your experience by talking about it. Personally I’m not sure that talking to Larry King on CNN is the best form of therapy, but that’s your call.”
Bobby Cairo: “Nah, man, I would only do it for you guys. Otherwise I’m done with that kind of fame. The media has squeezed enough stories out of me. Besides I don’t really want to go back to CNN. If it were Fox News or MSNBC then maybe it would be different, but CNN is too familiar.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Is that because of Robin Meade?”
Cairo nods his head in the affirmative.
Bobby Cairo: “I still miss her. I don’t know that I’ve ever truly loved her the way that I love Lucy Burke and Maggie Gyllenhaal, but I swear I miss her so much. We never even had a chance to grow as a couple before she left me.”
Biohazard: “How long did your Vegas marriage last before she had it annulled?”
Bobby Cairo: “It was officially twelve hours.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “I’m sorry to interrupt, but did you just say ‘I love Lucy Burke’, as in you’re still in love with her?”
Bobby Cairo: “No. I said loved, not love.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “You said love.”
Biohazard: “Definitely love.”
Bobby Cairo: “Yeah ok…. I still love her. In fact I jerked off while thinking about her this morning. It was pure ecstasy. I was hopped up on meds, which made it even stronger, more powerful. It was so vivid that I could smell her scent.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “That was probably the nurse’s scent that you smelled. You know the one you told us about before, the strawberry blond with the big tits who gave you a sponge bath?”
Bobby Cairo: “I wish. That girl shot me down quicker than Dick Cheney at a quail hunt.”
Cairo drowns his sorrow with another shot of Jack.
Bolts Quackenbush: “I’m sorry, Bobby. I didn’t mean to steer you down this path.”
Bobby Cairo: “Don’t apologize, it’s my own fault. I screwed up my relationship with Lucy. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I never had a chance to sway Maggie. She was already with Peter Sarsgaard when we had our fling. She was never going to leave him. Even conceiving a child together wasn’t enough to change her mind.”
Cairo takes another hit, straight from the bottle this time.
Bobby Cairo: “Lucy was a different story. She was mine, all mine, and I was hers. We were soul mates. Kindred spirits. We were perfect together. We had great physical chemistry. We had the same depraved sense of humor. We shared similar interests, music, movies and the world around us. The sex was unbelievable. I remember slamming her tight pussy with my six inches of steel. It was like fucking a virgin cunt every night. She was wild in the sack, man. We were both very open-minded and she had the body to back it up. She had the most perfectly tanned skin, so soft.”
Cairo licks his lips.
Bobby Cairo: “Long, brown hair. I used to love the feeling of her hair brushing against my skin. Big beautiful tits, so round and perky. I did some work with them, boy. Cute little belly button, no fat, you know, toned abs. She used to hit the gym like a lunatic. She was in great shape. Her ass… oh god, her ass. So firm, so round. I used to slip it right in there and do my work. She loved it. It’s rare to find a woman who actually likes getting fucked in the ass.”
Bolts does a shot of Jose Cuervo.
Bolts Quackenbush: “Tell me about it.”
Bobby Cairo: “The girl had legs that went on for days. They were so soft and shapely. Picturesque like a scenic view. She used to rub lotion on them every night. She had cute little feet, always silky soft and perfectly pedicured. She always was well groomed, manicures and pedicures, no hair, painted her nails, she smelled great too. Her hands. I can’t even count the number of times that she would reach down, unzip my fly and stroke me off with those talented little hands. That was a fine how do you do in the morning before coffee and eggs.”
Cairo chuckles to himself and throws back a longneck beer.
Bobby Cairo: “Ahh… that brings me to her lips. I know that I’ve already used words like soft, silky and smooth, so let me just say that this woman turned blowjobs into an art form with her plump, pillowy lips. She was absolutely tenacious. I would cum and cum and cum into her mouth until I couldn’t cum anymore, but she would always coax a few more squirts out of me. I don’t know how she did it, but she was unbelievable. She had a mouth like a vacuum cleaner. A vacuum cleaner with a tongue, that dispensed saliva.”
Cairo smiles a drunken smile as he vividly recalls every last feature of the woman, the ex-girlfriend that he still loves despite splitting with her three years ago.
Bobby Cairo: “Her dimples. She had the cutest little dimples that I’ve ever seen. Her nose? Her nose was in perfect proportion to the rest of her face. It was like an artist depiction, something that Michelangelo would design. She had beautiful eyes, deep brown eyes that stared into my soul when we held each other tight. I still get chills thinking about her eyes.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “I’m just glad that you’re not hung up on this woman, Bobby.”
Bobby Cairo: “Who, me? Oh, I’m just reminiscing. I remember the way her eyes sparkled like diamonds in the candlelight or the moonlight, depending on the setting. I remember dancing with her under a blanket of stars, the way that her hips swayed to the music on the radio. She’s Caucasian but she could move like a Latina, so sensual.”
Cairo pours some Jack into his shot glass and raises it into the air.
Bobby Cairo: “A toast… to Lucy!”
Cairo quickly downs the Jack like it’s water and then takes a deep breath.
Bobby Cairo: “These are wondrous times to be alive, men. Wondrous times!”
Biohazard: “How’s that, Bobby?”
Bobby Cairo: “Through all the bullshit that’s happened, we’re still here. We’re survivors. It’s easy to thrive during times of a-plenty, but we’re surviving the lean times. That takes character. That shit puts hair on your chest. We’re not slaves, we’re men. We don’t take shit from anybody.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “You’re goddamn right about that, Bobby.”
Biohazard: “Here, here!”
All three men raise their glasses in a toast and down those shots.
Bobby Cairo: “You know something? My doctor wants to put me on a special diet. He wants me to start eating organic food.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Organic food? Are you shitting me? That’s the biggest crock of shit that I’ve ever heard.”
Bobby Cairo: “I know, right? I told him, ‘Fuck that! I’m a grown man and nobody’s telling me what to eat anymore. I say that a diet of meat, cheese and beer is the healthiest way to live!’ I didn’t actually say that to him, but I was thinking it. Actually it didn’t occur to me until just now.”
Biohazard: “That’s alright, Bobby, but you did forget about corn-based products.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Bio, that’s racist. Don’t perpetuate stereotypes.”
Biohazard: “Fuck stereotypes. I want to eat, goddamn it. Anyway, I’m sure that you’ll get another chance to tell off your doctor at some point, Bobby.”
Bobby Cairo: “I hope you’re right, Bio. I have to say, if the hospital food is any indication, his idea of healthy food is whacked. The worst offenses were their attempts at scrambled eggs and mashed potatoes. And I’m with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jell-O sucks.”
Bolts and Biohazard gasp.
Biohazard: “Robert Heathcliff Cairo, what would your idol Bill Cosby say?”
Bobby Cairo: “I’m talking about the gelatin, not the pudding. Nobody could hate Jell-O pudding. I’m just glad that my mom brought me food while I was in the hospital, or I would have died from starvation.”
Cairo sighs again and takes another shot of Jack. He spins the shot glass on the table like a top.
Bobby Cairo: “My doctor also wants me to see a psychiatrist.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “A shrink? Why?”
Bobby Cairo: “He thinks that I’m suppressing traumatic memories from my time in prison. He called it ‘post-traumatic stress disorder’. He thinks that it could negativity impact my recovery, prevent me from moving forward psychologically. He said something about mental blocks or hurdles or whatever, all of that sorta jive. Personally, I think he’s full of it. I feel fine, like Eric Clapton with Cream. I just want to get back to kicking ass for a living.”
Cairo doesn’t let it show to his friends, but inside his mind he is dealing with the trauma of his time in prison. The memories of being a prisoner, and suffering beatings and arduous humiliation at the hands of the prison guards still haunts Cairo. Those memories turn Cairo’s dreams into nightmares and his waking thoughts into perpetual fears and depression. Cairo will not tell anyone about this problem because he also fears something else; he fears being labeled a head case.
Bolts Quackenbush: “It sounds like the guy’s got it in for you.”
Bobby Cairo: “Who’s that?”
Bolts Quackenbush: “The doctor.”
Bobby Cairo: “Oh, right.”
Biohazard: “I think the doctor is just being careful and looking out for his patient.”
Bobby Cairo: “I preferred that doctor in Mexico that you guys first brought me to. At least he didn’t tell me to avoid sex.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Your doctor told you to avoid sex? Is he serious?”
Bobby Cairo: “He seemed pretty damned serious. He’s a control freak, I tell ya. Shit, that old dude in Mexico was cool.”
Biohazard: “Dr. Olmeca is a great man, Bobby. He cares about you a great deal. He gave you a special kind of root to help you deal with the pain.”
Bobby Cairo: “Is that what had me tripping on the flight to Connecticut?”
Biohazard: “Yes, sir. Chad and I considered keeping you in Mexico and having Dr. Olmeca treat you until you were fully recovered, but the three of us thought you would benefit from being closer to your family. By the way, why aren’t you staying with them instead of Bolts?”
Bobby Cairo: “I don’t want them to see me struggling physically, or being poor. I used to invite them over to my mansion for huge meals, now I’m supposed to sleep on my mom’s couch? That’s too much of a fall from grace for my tastes. Far as my health is concerned, I’m in better shape than I was, but I’m still in a lot of pain. I don’t have my full mobility back yet. I need to round into fighting form with you guys. I know Bolts and Chad are gonna get me back on my feet in no time at Ultra Nova.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “So that’s the plan, Bobby? You’re done with politics, ready to return to wrestling?”
Bobby Cairo: “I can’t lie to you, Bolts. I’ll always have politics in my veins. I know that I would have been the finest president that this country has seen since John Kennedy.”
Biohazard: “They would have killed you like they killed Kennedy, Bobby.”
Bobby Cairo: “I know that to be true, Bio. I suppose that it’s not my destiny to be a martyr, just a dreamer. I wish that I had what it takes to change the world. I’d give my life if I could change the world.”
Bolts angrily slams his beer bottle on the table.
Bolts Quackenbush: “Damn it, Bobby, I’m sick of this shit! You risk your life to foil government conspiracies, but you fail to recognize a simple fact. Even without government none of us would be free. We’re all slaves to one vice or another, whether it be fear, ignorance, gluttony, vanity or something else entirely. You, my friend, are a slave to idealism.”
Bobby Cairo: “That’s my prerogative, Bolts. I’ve seen too many men make bold promises of change and progress only to stab their fellow man in the back. I want to put an end to all of that.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “You know what, Bobby? That is your prerogative, but your prerogative lacks perspective and practicality. You’ve missed the forest for the trees, my boy. What’s truly important in this life is finding something that makes you happy, something that fulfills your ambitions so long as it doesn’t hurt you or anyone else. You can’t save the world, man. You can only live your life. You can help other people, but first you have to help yourself. You’re not helping yourself by trying to kill yourself.”
Bobby Cairo: “My convictions run deep, Bolts. You can’t ask me to stop believing what I believe.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “I’m just asking you to think before you act, Bobby. Think about the consequences of your actions. Think about how your actions will impact you AND those around you, those who care about you. You have to remember that we’re here for you in times of need, but you have to come to us for help.”
Bobby Cairo: “You have a point, Bolts. I have been selfish and I apologize for that. I apologize to you and Bio and Chad, my family, everybody that I’ve hurt. It wasn’t something that I wanted to do. I didn’t think I had a choice.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “You always have a choice, Bobby. You just have to think instead of letting your emotions control you.”
Bobby Cairo: “That’s why I’ve decided to take control of my life, Bolts. Like I told Biohazard before, I’ll be going to work for FedEx during my physical rehabilitation, while I’m training for my wrestling comeback.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “That is a responsible decision, Bobby. I’m proud of you.”
Bobby Cairo: “Thanks, Bolts.”
Cairo raises his glass to Bolts and sucks down another shot. Biohazard, after himself consuming several shots during the conversation, suddenly starts laughing.
Biohazard: “Bolts, do you really think Bobby is an idealist? I would describe him as more of a… hmmm…”
Biohazard pauses for a moment as if searching for the right word.
Biohazard: “Libertine! Bobby, you're a libertine, child!”
Bolts chuckles the hearty chuckle of a wise man.
Bolts Quackenbush: “He is a libertine, isn’t he?”
Bolts nods his head and wags his finger at Cairo.
Bolts Quackenbush: “Bobby, my son, you’re a libertine and an idealist. Truly a jack of all trades!”
Bolts and Biohazard laugh hysterically and raise their beers into the air.
Bolts Quackenbush and Biohazard: “To Bobby!”
Bolts and Biohazard chug their beers like grown men do. Each man then unleashes a wicked belch, with Bolts getting the better of the exchange, but both men holding their own. Cairo tries to hide his smile, but his drunkenness prevents him from doing so.
Bobby Cairo: “I guess you guys have me figured out, huh? Sure I’m a passionate guy and I do get emotional. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. But at least I’m not trapped inside a tear duct like some people. Like those fucking emo kids!”
Biohazard: “Ahh the emo children, your old nemeses. Let me ask you, who do you hate more, Bobby, the emo kids or the straight edge kids?”
Cairo looks at Biohazard with an incredulous expression on his face.
Bobby Cairo: “Like there’s a fucking difference?”
Bolts howls with laughter while Biohazard slaps the table.
Biohazard: “You’re back, Bobby. You’re back!”
Cairo shakes his head and smiles, soaking in the moment, bewildered by his crazy friends but grateful to have them and to be home.
Over the next few hours the conservation between friends and drinking buddies shifts through a litany of topics including sports, women, politics, life, work, travel and fine cuisine. By the end of the night, A.K.A. "Closing Time", these four men have damn near drank the place dry. Before they leave, they make sure to take with them their jackets, wallets, sunglasses and all that cool and necessary gear. By the time Cairo, Bolts, Biohazard and Chad stumble out of the bar, it’s very late at night and it's even colder than before with a light drizzle in the air. As a group they decide to call a cab rather than attempting to drive home, which is a responsible and commendable decision.
Bobby Cairo: “Bio, you want to find some broads and get laid?”
Biohazard: “No can do, amigo. I have to catch a redeye flight down to Mexico. I got to get back to mi casa, spend some time with la familia, and start making some dinero in this wrestling game.”
Bobby Cairo: “I hear that, man. I’m sorry to see you go, but it’s been great seeing you again. I want to thank you for a great night, and for saving my life.”
Biohazard: “Ehh… enough with the ‘thanks for saving my life’ line, Bobby. You’re starting to make me regret my decision.”
Cairo laughs, drunkenly grabs Biohazard around the waist and hoists him into the air.
Bobby Cairo: “Hahaha! This guy! This guy!”
Chad feints a karate kick, nearly causing Cairo to drop Biohazard onto the sidewalk.
Bobby Cairo: “Hey Chad, what the hell are you doing, man?”
Chad Evans: “What are you doing, Bobby man? You’re getting all aggressive!”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Gentlemen, gentlemen, let’s calm down! The cab will be here any minute. We are going to head home, eat a delicious casserole and get a proper night’s rest.”
Chad Evans: “I call the futon!”
Bobby Cairo: “I’ll take the loveseat.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Well, I get the bed. Sorry, Bio. It looks like you’re sleeping on the floor.”
Biohazard: “Oh, no, man. I’m catching a flight back to Mexico tonight.”
Bolts grabs Biohazard by the collar.
Bolts Quackenbush: “Are you nuts, Bio? Do you know how much you’ve had to drink tonight? You can’t fly a plane!”
Biohazard: “No, no, no, I’m not flying the pla--.”
Bobby Cairo: “He’s not flying the plane, Bolts! He’s gonna be a passenger. Gosh you’re silly!”
Bolts Quackenbush: “I’m silly? I’m not the one walking around in public wearing pajama bottoms.”
Bobby Cairo: “These are sweatpants!”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Yeah, well, they look ridiculous. I’m sorry but it needs to be said.”
Bobby Cairo: “Fuck you, Bolts!”
Biohazard: “Fellas, fellas, don’t fight. Just wait for the cab, go home, and get some sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning. Actually you’ll feel worse, but eventually you’ll feel better. I would recommend against eating that casserole or anything else for that matter; it tastes worse when it’s coming back up.”
Chad wraps his arm around Biohazard and kisses him on the cheek.
Chad Evans: “Practical advice from the man himself. He’s a fucking genius!”
Chad points at Biohazard while hugging him with his other arm.
Chad Evans: “I flew in a helicopter and saved Bobby Cairo’s life with this man. Can you believe it? This man is a godsend!”
A yellow cab pulls into the parking lot; the driver honks the horn. Cairo and company wave the cab over to their direction. Chad starts to unzip his fly, but he’s discouraged by the other members of the party. The four men pile into the cab, Biohazard into the front passenger seat, and the other three in back. Cairo shakes his head and laughs as he scrunches together with Bolts and Chad.
Overall it’s been a long and wild night, but Cairo wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Well, maybe a night of passion with Lucy Burke, but that’s not exactly on the table right now. For Cairo it’s a relief to return to the perfect insanity of his normal life, a life that he once took for granted.
A few hours and a few bars later, Cairo and his friends are sitting around their regular table at their regular bar, “Ike’s Tavern on the Green” in Hartford. The stained mahogany walls of the establishment are decorated with pictures of celebrities that have patronized the bar, including the quartet of men sitting at Cairo’s table.
The other patrons at the bar recognize Cairo’s crew, but no one approaches them. These are men who command respect and consideration. You don’t just walk up to men like that, not in the middle of a drinking session. Not unless you want to get your shit fucked up. You’re better off playing pool, watching a ballgame on one of the many big screen TVs, stuffing your face with chicken wings or drinking until you puke. You might even muster enough liquid courage to ask the big-titted blond woman sitting next to you to come back to your place.
Cairo, Evans, Bolts and Biohazard are sitting around their table. Each man has a beer and a shot glass in front of him, although it’s worth noting that each man has consumed several beverages already.
Bobby Cairo: “I’ve been meaning to ask you, Bio. How did you end up with the Eldorado? I thought the government took all of my shit?”
Biohazard: “They did take all of your shit AND they put it up for auction. I got the inside info from one of my government contacts, then I had one of my boys go to the auction and bid on the Caddy. I only paid three G’s for that baby, can you believe it?”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Shit, you kidding me? It’s worth ten times that much on the open market. I oughta take a trip to one of them government auctions. I could use some new wheels… and maybe a yacht.”
Cairo pats Biohazard on the shoulder.
Bobby Cairo: “I appreciate that, man. Thanks for keeping the Eldorado in the family.”
Biohazard: “Yeah, well, I figured you would want it if you ever returned. It’s a sweet ride, a real pussy magnet. Fuck, I was gonna keep it for myself if you didn't come back. It’s a beautiful car. Frankly I was sad to see it go. I knew how much it meant to you. I couldn’t let those bastards give it to some charity or church group.”
Bobby Cairo: “That’s real decent of you, Bio. How did a dreck like me end up with friends as loyal as you guys?”
Cairo puts his arms around Biohazard and Chad. Cairo motions for Bolts to join them for a group hug, but Bolts waves him off.
Chad Evans: “Hey Bobby, don’t talk like that. I mean the loyal friends part is fine, but calling yourself a dreck?”
Chad waves a drunken finger at Cairo.
Chad Evans: “What are you some kind of emo kid? I hate emos, gar!”
Chad lunges for Cairo but he’s restrained by Bolts.
Bolts Quackenbush: “Too much Jack for you, my son. Why don’t you have a seat and watch the TV? There’s a good little ballgame on there, Arkansas State and Louisiana-Monroe.”
Chad Evans: “Ahh fuck. I’m no Romney, man. I’m no Romney.”
Chad sloops down in his chair and closes his eyes; he drifts off to dreamland.
Bobby Cairo: “Bolts, Bio, man, speaking of TV, I forgot to tell you guys. CNN wants me for an interview with Larry King.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Larry fucking King? Shit, he wouldn’t even talk to you when you were world champion!”
Biohazard: “That’s pretty remarkable, Bobby. Exploitative but remarkable.”
Bobby Cairo: “I guess I’ve become something of a human interest story thanks to my disappearance and miraculous rescue. They want you guys too, but only if I agree to do the show.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “It’s your call, Bobby. If that’s something that you want to do then I’ll be there to support you. If you don’t want to do it, then that’s perfectly understandable too.”
Bobby Cairo: “Honestly, I feel like you guys deserve your moment in the spotlight.”
Biohazard: “Listen, Bobby, you don’t have to do it for us. We don’t want to make a name for ourselves based on a horrible experience that happened to you. Chad and I didn’t care about getting recognition or being labeled as heroes while we were searching for you. We wanted to help our friend. That was our only concern.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Bio is right, Bobby. This is about you. The only reason to do the interview is if it’s going to help you come to grips with your experience by talking about it. Personally I’m not sure that talking to Larry King on CNN is the best form of therapy, but that’s your call.”
Bobby Cairo: “Nah, man, I would only do it for you guys. Otherwise I’m done with that kind of fame. The media has squeezed enough stories out of me. Besides I don’t really want to go back to CNN. If it were Fox News or MSNBC then maybe it would be different, but CNN is too familiar.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Is that because of Robin Meade?”
Cairo nods his head in the affirmative.
Bobby Cairo: “I still miss her. I don’t know that I’ve ever truly loved her the way that I love Lucy Burke and Maggie Gyllenhaal, but I swear I miss her so much. We never even had a chance to grow as a couple before she left me.”
Biohazard: “How long did your Vegas marriage last before she had it annulled?”
Bobby Cairo: “It was officially twelve hours.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “I’m sorry to interrupt, but did you just say ‘I love Lucy Burke’, as in you’re still in love with her?”
Bobby Cairo: “No. I said loved, not love.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “You said love.”
Biohazard: “Definitely love.”
Bobby Cairo: “Yeah ok…. I still love her. In fact I jerked off while thinking about her this morning. It was pure ecstasy. I was hopped up on meds, which made it even stronger, more powerful. It was so vivid that I could smell her scent.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “That was probably the nurse’s scent that you smelled. You know the one you told us about before, the strawberry blond with the big tits who gave you a sponge bath?”
Bobby Cairo: “I wish. That girl shot me down quicker than Dick Cheney at a quail hunt.”
Cairo drowns his sorrow with another shot of Jack.
Bolts Quackenbush: “I’m sorry, Bobby. I didn’t mean to steer you down this path.”
Bobby Cairo: “Don’t apologize, it’s my own fault. I screwed up my relationship with Lucy. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I never had a chance to sway Maggie. She was already with Peter Sarsgaard when we had our fling. She was never going to leave him. Even conceiving a child together wasn’t enough to change her mind.”
Cairo takes another hit, straight from the bottle this time.
Bobby Cairo: “Lucy was a different story. She was mine, all mine, and I was hers. We were soul mates. Kindred spirits. We were perfect together. We had great physical chemistry. We had the same depraved sense of humor. We shared similar interests, music, movies and the world around us. The sex was unbelievable. I remember slamming her tight pussy with my six inches of steel. It was like fucking a virgin cunt every night. She was wild in the sack, man. We were both very open-minded and she had the body to back it up. She had the most perfectly tanned skin, so soft.”
Cairo licks his lips.
Bobby Cairo: “Long, brown hair. I used to love the feeling of her hair brushing against my skin. Big beautiful tits, so round and perky. I did some work with them, boy. Cute little belly button, no fat, you know, toned abs. She used to hit the gym like a lunatic. She was in great shape. Her ass… oh god, her ass. So firm, so round. I used to slip it right in there and do my work. She loved it. It’s rare to find a woman who actually likes getting fucked in the ass.”
Bolts does a shot of Jose Cuervo.
Bolts Quackenbush: “Tell me about it.”
Bobby Cairo: “The girl had legs that went on for days. They were so soft and shapely. Picturesque like a scenic view. She used to rub lotion on them every night. She had cute little feet, always silky soft and perfectly pedicured. She always was well groomed, manicures and pedicures, no hair, painted her nails, she smelled great too. Her hands. I can’t even count the number of times that she would reach down, unzip my fly and stroke me off with those talented little hands. That was a fine how do you do in the morning before coffee and eggs.”
Cairo chuckles to himself and throws back a longneck beer.
Bobby Cairo: “Ahh… that brings me to her lips. I know that I’ve already used words like soft, silky and smooth, so let me just say that this woman turned blowjobs into an art form with her plump, pillowy lips. She was absolutely tenacious. I would cum and cum and cum into her mouth until I couldn’t cum anymore, but she would always coax a few more squirts out of me. I don’t know how she did it, but she was unbelievable. She had a mouth like a vacuum cleaner. A vacuum cleaner with a tongue, that dispensed saliva.”
Cairo smiles a drunken smile as he vividly recalls every last feature of the woman, the ex-girlfriend that he still loves despite splitting with her three years ago.
Bobby Cairo: “Her dimples. She had the cutest little dimples that I’ve ever seen. Her nose? Her nose was in perfect proportion to the rest of her face. It was like an artist depiction, something that Michelangelo would design. She had beautiful eyes, deep brown eyes that stared into my soul when we held each other tight. I still get chills thinking about her eyes.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “I’m just glad that you’re not hung up on this woman, Bobby.”
Bobby Cairo: “Who, me? Oh, I’m just reminiscing. I remember the way her eyes sparkled like diamonds in the candlelight or the moonlight, depending on the setting. I remember dancing with her under a blanket of stars, the way that her hips swayed to the music on the radio. She’s Caucasian but she could move like a Latina, so sensual.”
Cairo pours some Jack into his shot glass and raises it into the air.
Bobby Cairo: “A toast… to Lucy!”
Cairo quickly downs the Jack like it’s water and then takes a deep breath.
Bobby Cairo: “These are wondrous times to be alive, men. Wondrous times!”
Biohazard: “How’s that, Bobby?”
Bobby Cairo: “Through all the bullshit that’s happened, we’re still here. We’re survivors. It’s easy to thrive during times of a-plenty, but we’re surviving the lean times. That takes character. That shit puts hair on your chest. We’re not slaves, we’re men. We don’t take shit from anybody.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “You’re goddamn right about that, Bobby.”
Biohazard: “Here, here!”
All three men raise their glasses in a toast and down those shots.
Bobby Cairo: “You know something? My doctor wants to put me on a special diet. He wants me to start eating organic food.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Organic food? Are you shitting me? That’s the biggest crock of shit that I’ve ever heard.”
Bobby Cairo: “I know, right? I told him, ‘Fuck that! I’m a grown man and nobody’s telling me what to eat anymore. I say that a diet of meat, cheese and beer is the healthiest way to live!’ I didn’t actually say that to him, but I was thinking it. Actually it didn’t occur to me until just now.”
Biohazard: “That’s alright, Bobby, but you did forget about corn-based products.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Bio, that’s racist. Don’t perpetuate stereotypes.”
Biohazard: “Fuck stereotypes. I want to eat, goddamn it. Anyway, I’m sure that you’ll get another chance to tell off your doctor at some point, Bobby.”
Bobby Cairo: “I hope you’re right, Bio. I have to say, if the hospital food is any indication, his idea of healthy food is whacked. The worst offenses were their attempts at scrambled eggs and mashed potatoes. And I’m with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jell-O sucks.”
Bolts and Biohazard gasp.
Biohazard: “Robert Heathcliff Cairo, what would your idol Bill Cosby say?”
Bobby Cairo: “I’m talking about the gelatin, not the pudding. Nobody could hate Jell-O pudding. I’m just glad that my mom brought me food while I was in the hospital, or I would have died from starvation.”
Cairo sighs again and takes another shot of Jack. He spins the shot glass on the table like a top.
Bobby Cairo: “My doctor also wants me to see a psychiatrist.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “A shrink? Why?”
Bobby Cairo: “He thinks that I’m suppressing traumatic memories from my time in prison. He called it ‘post-traumatic stress disorder’. He thinks that it could negativity impact my recovery, prevent me from moving forward psychologically. He said something about mental blocks or hurdles or whatever, all of that sorta jive. Personally, I think he’s full of it. I feel fine, like Eric Clapton with Cream. I just want to get back to kicking ass for a living.”
Cairo doesn’t let it show to his friends, but inside his mind he is dealing with the trauma of his time in prison. The memories of being a prisoner, and suffering beatings and arduous humiliation at the hands of the prison guards still haunts Cairo. Those memories turn Cairo’s dreams into nightmares and his waking thoughts into perpetual fears and depression. Cairo will not tell anyone about this problem because he also fears something else; he fears being labeled a head case.
Bolts Quackenbush: “It sounds like the guy’s got it in for you.”
Bobby Cairo: “Who’s that?”
Bolts Quackenbush: “The doctor.”
Bobby Cairo: “Oh, right.”
Biohazard: “I think the doctor is just being careful and looking out for his patient.”
Bobby Cairo: “I preferred that doctor in Mexico that you guys first brought me to. At least he didn’t tell me to avoid sex.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Your doctor told you to avoid sex? Is he serious?”
Bobby Cairo: “He seemed pretty damned serious. He’s a control freak, I tell ya. Shit, that old dude in Mexico was cool.”
Biohazard: “Dr. Olmeca is a great man, Bobby. He cares about you a great deal. He gave you a special kind of root to help you deal with the pain.”
Bobby Cairo: “Is that what had me tripping on the flight to Connecticut?”
Biohazard: “Yes, sir. Chad and I considered keeping you in Mexico and having Dr. Olmeca treat you until you were fully recovered, but the three of us thought you would benefit from being closer to your family. By the way, why aren’t you staying with them instead of Bolts?”
Bobby Cairo: “I don’t want them to see me struggling physically, or being poor. I used to invite them over to my mansion for huge meals, now I’m supposed to sleep on my mom’s couch? That’s too much of a fall from grace for my tastes. Far as my health is concerned, I’m in better shape than I was, but I’m still in a lot of pain. I don’t have my full mobility back yet. I need to round into fighting form with you guys. I know Bolts and Chad are gonna get me back on my feet in no time at Ultra Nova.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “So that’s the plan, Bobby? You’re done with politics, ready to return to wrestling?”
Bobby Cairo: “I can’t lie to you, Bolts. I’ll always have politics in my veins. I know that I would have been the finest president that this country has seen since John Kennedy.”
Biohazard: “They would have killed you like they killed Kennedy, Bobby.”
Bobby Cairo: “I know that to be true, Bio. I suppose that it’s not my destiny to be a martyr, just a dreamer. I wish that I had what it takes to change the world. I’d give my life if I could change the world.”
Bolts angrily slams his beer bottle on the table.
Bolts Quackenbush: “Damn it, Bobby, I’m sick of this shit! You risk your life to foil government conspiracies, but you fail to recognize a simple fact. Even without government none of us would be free. We’re all slaves to one vice or another, whether it be fear, ignorance, gluttony, vanity or something else entirely. You, my friend, are a slave to idealism.”
Bobby Cairo: “That’s my prerogative, Bolts. I’ve seen too many men make bold promises of change and progress only to stab their fellow man in the back. I want to put an end to all of that.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “You know what, Bobby? That is your prerogative, but your prerogative lacks perspective and practicality. You’ve missed the forest for the trees, my boy. What’s truly important in this life is finding something that makes you happy, something that fulfills your ambitions so long as it doesn’t hurt you or anyone else. You can’t save the world, man. You can only live your life. You can help other people, but first you have to help yourself. You’re not helping yourself by trying to kill yourself.”
Bobby Cairo: “My convictions run deep, Bolts. You can’t ask me to stop believing what I believe.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “I’m just asking you to think before you act, Bobby. Think about the consequences of your actions. Think about how your actions will impact you AND those around you, those who care about you. You have to remember that we’re here for you in times of need, but you have to come to us for help.”
Bobby Cairo: “You have a point, Bolts. I have been selfish and I apologize for that. I apologize to you and Bio and Chad, my family, everybody that I’ve hurt. It wasn’t something that I wanted to do. I didn’t think I had a choice.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “You always have a choice, Bobby. You just have to think instead of letting your emotions control you.”
Bobby Cairo: “That’s why I’ve decided to take control of my life, Bolts. Like I told Biohazard before, I’ll be going to work for FedEx during my physical rehabilitation, while I’m training for my wrestling comeback.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “That is a responsible decision, Bobby. I’m proud of you.”
Bobby Cairo: “Thanks, Bolts.”
Cairo raises his glass to Bolts and sucks down another shot. Biohazard, after himself consuming several shots during the conversation, suddenly starts laughing.
Biohazard: “Bolts, do you really think Bobby is an idealist? I would describe him as more of a… hmmm…”
Biohazard pauses for a moment as if searching for the right word.
Biohazard: “Libertine! Bobby, you're a libertine, child!”
Bolts chuckles the hearty chuckle of a wise man.
Bolts Quackenbush: “He is a libertine, isn’t he?”
Bolts nods his head and wags his finger at Cairo.
Bolts Quackenbush: “Bobby, my son, you’re a libertine and an idealist. Truly a jack of all trades!”
Bolts and Biohazard laugh hysterically and raise their beers into the air.
Bolts Quackenbush and Biohazard: “To Bobby!”
Bolts and Biohazard chug their beers like grown men do. Each man then unleashes a wicked belch, with Bolts getting the better of the exchange, but both men holding their own. Cairo tries to hide his smile, but his drunkenness prevents him from doing so.
Bobby Cairo: “I guess you guys have me figured out, huh? Sure I’m a passionate guy and I do get emotional. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. But at least I’m not trapped inside a tear duct like some people. Like those fucking emo kids!”
Biohazard: “Ahh the emo children, your old nemeses. Let me ask you, who do you hate more, Bobby, the emo kids or the straight edge kids?”
Cairo looks at Biohazard with an incredulous expression on his face.
Bobby Cairo: “Like there’s a fucking difference?”
Bolts howls with laughter while Biohazard slaps the table.
Biohazard: “You’re back, Bobby. You’re back!”
Cairo shakes his head and smiles, soaking in the moment, bewildered by his crazy friends but grateful to have them and to be home.
Over the next few hours the conservation between friends and drinking buddies shifts through a litany of topics including sports, women, politics, life, work, travel and fine cuisine. By the end of the night, A.K.A. "Closing Time", these four men have damn near drank the place dry. Before they leave, they make sure to take with them their jackets, wallets, sunglasses and all that cool and necessary gear. By the time Cairo, Bolts, Biohazard and Chad stumble out of the bar, it’s very late at night and it's even colder than before with a light drizzle in the air. As a group they decide to call a cab rather than attempting to drive home, which is a responsible and commendable decision.
Bobby Cairo: “Bio, you want to find some broads and get laid?”
Biohazard: “No can do, amigo. I have to catch a redeye flight down to Mexico. I got to get back to mi casa, spend some time with la familia, and start making some dinero in this wrestling game.”
Bobby Cairo: “I hear that, man. I’m sorry to see you go, but it’s been great seeing you again. I want to thank you for a great night, and for saving my life.”
Biohazard: “Ehh… enough with the ‘thanks for saving my life’ line, Bobby. You’re starting to make me regret my decision.”
Cairo laughs, drunkenly grabs Biohazard around the waist and hoists him into the air.
Bobby Cairo: “Hahaha! This guy! This guy!”
Chad feints a karate kick, nearly causing Cairo to drop Biohazard onto the sidewalk.
Bobby Cairo: “Hey Chad, what the hell are you doing, man?”
Chad Evans: “What are you doing, Bobby man? You’re getting all aggressive!”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Gentlemen, gentlemen, let’s calm down! The cab will be here any minute. We are going to head home, eat a delicious casserole and get a proper night’s rest.”
Chad Evans: “I call the futon!”
Bobby Cairo: “I’ll take the loveseat.”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Well, I get the bed. Sorry, Bio. It looks like you’re sleeping on the floor.”
Biohazard: “Oh, no, man. I’m catching a flight back to Mexico tonight.”
Bolts grabs Biohazard by the collar.
Bolts Quackenbush: “Are you nuts, Bio? Do you know how much you’ve had to drink tonight? You can’t fly a plane!”
Biohazard: “No, no, no, I’m not flying the pla--.”
Bobby Cairo: “He’s not flying the plane, Bolts! He’s gonna be a passenger. Gosh you’re silly!”
Bolts Quackenbush: “I’m silly? I’m not the one walking around in public wearing pajama bottoms.”
Bobby Cairo: “These are sweatpants!”
Bolts Quackenbush: “Yeah, well, they look ridiculous. I’m sorry but it needs to be said.”
Bobby Cairo: “Fuck you, Bolts!”
Biohazard: “Fellas, fellas, don’t fight. Just wait for the cab, go home, and get some sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning. Actually you’ll feel worse, but eventually you’ll feel better. I would recommend against eating that casserole or anything else for that matter; it tastes worse when it’s coming back up.”
Chad wraps his arm around Biohazard and kisses him on the cheek.
Chad Evans: “Practical advice from the man himself. He’s a fucking genius!”
Chad points at Biohazard while hugging him with his other arm.
Chad Evans: “I flew in a helicopter and saved Bobby Cairo’s life with this man. Can you believe it? This man is a godsend!”
A yellow cab pulls into the parking lot; the driver honks the horn. Cairo and company wave the cab over to their direction. Chad starts to unzip his fly, but he’s discouraged by the other members of the party. The four men pile into the cab, Biohazard into the front passenger seat, and the other three in back. Cairo shakes his head and laughs as he scrunches together with Bolts and Chad.
Overall it’s been a long and wild night, but Cairo wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Well, maybe a night of passion with Lucy Burke, but that’s not exactly on the table right now. For Cairo it’s a relief to return to the perfect insanity of his normal life, a life that he once took for granted.
