Post by Steve Catt on Dec 29, 2007 18:48:17 GMT -5
:::Fade in to Steve Carr sitting in a plush-looking chair wearing a fluffy red bathrobe and a pair of warm and fuzzy slippers. A roaring fire crackles in the fireplace behind him, though on closer inspection it's a fake one on some sort of screen. Steve folds his right leg over his left knee and puts a pipe in his mouth. He seems to be deep in thought for several seconds, almost meditative, before bubbles float out of the top of the pipe. After uncrossing his legs, he takes the bubble pipe out of his mouth and sets it down on top of a nighstand next to the chair.:::
Steve: Good evening, WCF fans, or afternoon, or morning, whatever time it is as you are watching this. As you can see, I'd like nothing better to do than just relax and enjoy some peace and quiet before I annihilate Seth Lerch tomorrow. However, I promised to give my analysis on all of my potential future opponents in the WCF Classic, and so here we are.
:::He opens the top drawer of the nightstand and pulls out a piece of paper. He unfolds it in his lap.:::
Steve: I will now give my thoughts on each of the Classic participants, a list of whom I hold here, starting from the bottom bracket and working my way to the top.
:::He looks down at the paper.:::
Steve: Outcast. Being his former employer and mentor all the way back to when he was a nobody, I know him better than anyone else here. That knowledge does not run both ways. I've beat him before and I will do it again. That is of course, assuming he gets past...
:::He glances down at the paper.:::
Steve: Lawnmower Jones? Well, that's what it says here. All kidding aside, there's a secret to Lawnmower Jones. Something that no one outside of the locker room or front office knows about. And that is, Lawnmower Jones runs shit. Seriously, I kid you not. He's got the entire WCF under his thumb. Frankly, if WCF stayed around any longer, I'm sure Lawnmower Jones would have been in charge of a massive coup d'etat and overthrown Seth Lerch to become our overlord, and I for one would welcome it!
:::He slams his fist on the nightstand.:::
Steve: Gawddammit, does anyone of you camera people have any more booze? I looked over the list of people I'd have to talk about tonight and instantly ran out. I mean, look at this crap. This is murder. I defy any one of you to come up with something interesting to say about Chino and Danny Vice. Some might argue that it's kind of stupid to insult someone who might be a future employer in GWC. I say, in Japan, "I was drunk" is a legitimate excuse for almost anything. Think about it!
:::He picks the paper up to eye level, memorizes the contents and then destroys it. Or maybe he just crumples it up into a ball and throws it behind his head.:::
Steve: Thunder is a dude. At least, I think so. That's about all I can say about "him".
:::He makes quotation marks with his fingers when he says "him".:::
Steve: Biohazard, on the other hand, is the greatest competitor this world has ever known. He is a force of nature. According to my sources, he is also a fantastic breakdancer. If you try to fast-forward through a Biohazard promo or match, your Tivo will erase all your favorite programs. Women want him, and men want to be him until they grow up and realize it's futile. One time, at band camp, Biohazard totally bitchslapped one of the counselers. I have it on video. Regardless of all his other manly exploits, he is a fine wrestler and one I hope I don't have to face for fear of his totally awesome powers.
:::He breaks out laughing.:::
Steve: Sorry, sorry, I couldn't keep it up anymore. As anyone who is not Biohazard is smart enough to know, the point I was trying to make is that Biohazard is a joke. Literally. But if I could be serious for a moment, someone who is not a joke is Creeping Death, despite his best attempts to dress up like a clown. You will not be "misunderestimated" by me, Mr. Death. Creeping Death will keep fighting until he is dead, and then he will fight some more. Also, he might be insane. I actually do hope that I don't have to face him, because I am not someone who looks forward to severe injuries, many of which are caused by his suicidal attacks. However, I think it is likely that he will get deep into the tournament, and if and when we do meet, I will match his wild intensity with my calm focus. It would be one hell of a match.
:::He crosses his legs again.:::
Steve: JJ Biggs is a former World Champion and worthy of respect. However, I do not expect him to advance past Creeping Death and so I do not think it is worth my time to analyze his game. Now we get to the big one, Skyler Striker versus Bobby Cairo. Skyler Striker is a fierce adversary, and one I tried to recruit into Team NCW. I was ignored. I think that worked out best for all of us. I have no idea what he's been doing since WCF has closed, and given the circumstances upon which he exited, I feel it would be most prudent to wait and see how his match turns out before making a judgement...assuming he wins.
:::Legs uncrossed, Steve leans closer to the camera.:::
Steve: Bobby Cairo? Hey, he's a good guy, with a stand-up character in a sit-down society. He's made something of himself and if I were personally related to him in any way I'd be proud of it. I'm still waiting for his presidential endorsement, which may or may not be surprising, but I feel will be rewarding -- and revealing -- either way. However. None of this matters on the battlefield. In that ring, Bobby Cairo is an unhinged and eminently dangerous man. I hope that I get to meet him in the finals, so then I can say, "I beat an unhingend and eminently dangerous man." Then everyone will look at me funny, and I'll finish with, "Bobby Cairo." Then they will all breathe sighs and exchange knowing glances. In conclusion, screw all ya'all. Get out of my face and let me watch TV.
:::All ya'all have been screwed and Steve is left to watch his TV. Fade out.:::
Steve: Good evening, WCF fans, or afternoon, or morning, whatever time it is as you are watching this. As you can see, I'd like nothing better to do than just relax and enjoy some peace and quiet before I annihilate Seth Lerch tomorrow. However, I promised to give my analysis on all of my potential future opponents in the WCF Classic, and so here we are.
:::He opens the top drawer of the nightstand and pulls out a piece of paper. He unfolds it in his lap.:::
Steve: I will now give my thoughts on each of the Classic participants, a list of whom I hold here, starting from the bottom bracket and working my way to the top.
:::He looks down at the paper.:::
Steve: Outcast. Being his former employer and mentor all the way back to when he was a nobody, I know him better than anyone else here. That knowledge does not run both ways. I've beat him before and I will do it again. That is of course, assuming he gets past...
:::He glances down at the paper.:::
Steve: Lawnmower Jones? Well, that's what it says here. All kidding aside, there's a secret to Lawnmower Jones. Something that no one outside of the locker room or front office knows about. And that is, Lawnmower Jones runs shit. Seriously, I kid you not. He's got the entire WCF under his thumb. Frankly, if WCF stayed around any longer, I'm sure Lawnmower Jones would have been in charge of a massive coup d'etat and overthrown Seth Lerch to become our overlord, and I for one would welcome it!
:::He slams his fist on the nightstand.:::
Steve: Gawddammit, does anyone of you camera people have any more booze? I looked over the list of people I'd have to talk about tonight and instantly ran out. I mean, look at this crap. This is murder. I defy any one of you to come up with something interesting to say about Chino and Danny Vice. Some might argue that it's kind of stupid to insult someone who might be a future employer in GWC. I say, in Japan, "I was drunk" is a legitimate excuse for almost anything. Think about it!
:::He picks the paper up to eye level, memorizes the contents and then destroys it. Or maybe he just crumples it up into a ball and throws it behind his head.:::
Steve: Thunder is a dude. At least, I think so. That's about all I can say about "him".
:::He makes quotation marks with his fingers when he says "him".:::
Steve: Biohazard, on the other hand, is the greatest competitor this world has ever known. He is a force of nature. According to my sources, he is also a fantastic breakdancer. If you try to fast-forward through a Biohazard promo or match, your Tivo will erase all your favorite programs. Women want him, and men want to be him until they grow up and realize it's futile. One time, at band camp, Biohazard totally bitchslapped one of the counselers. I have it on video. Regardless of all his other manly exploits, he is a fine wrestler and one I hope I don't have to face for fear of his totally awesome powers.
:::He breaks out laughing.:::
Steve: Sorry, sorry, I couldn't keep it up anymore. As anyone who is not Biohazard is smart enough to know, the point I was trying to make is that Biohazard is a joke. Literally. But if I could be serious for a moment, someone who is not a joke is Creeping Death, despite his best attempts to dress up like a clown. You will not be "misunderestimated" by me, Mr. Death. Creeping Death will keep fighting until he is dead, and then he will fight some more. Also, he might be insane. I actually do hope that I don't have to face him, because I am not someone who looks forward to severe injuries, many of which are caused by his suicidal attacks. However, I think it is likely that he will get deep into the tournament, and if and when we do meet, I will match his wild intensity with my calm focus. It would be one hell of a match.
:::He crosses his legs again.:::
Steve: JJ Biggs is a former World Champion and worthy of respect. However, I do not expect him to advance past Creeping Death and so I do not think it is worth my time to analyze his game. Now we get to the big one, Skyler Striker versus Bobby Cairo. Skyler Striker is a fierce adversary, and one I tried to recruit into Team NCW. I was ignored. I think that worked out best for all of us. I have no idea what he's been doing since WCF has closed, and given the circumstances upon which he exited, I feel it would be most prudent to wait and see how his match turns out before making a judgement...assuming he wins.
:::Legs uncrossed, Steve leans closer to the camera.:::
Steve: Bobby Cairo? Hey, he's a good guy, with a stand-up character in a sit-down society. He's made something of himself and if I were personally related to him in any way I'd be proud of it. I'm still waiting for his presidential endorsement, which may or may not be surprising, but I feel will be rewarding -- and revealing -- either way. However. None of this matters on the battlefield. In that ring, Bobby Cairo is an unhinged and eminently dangerous man. I hope that I get to meet him in the finals, so then I can say, "I beat an unhingend and eminently dangerous man." Then everyone will look at me funny, and I'll finish with, "Bobby Cairo." Then they will all breathe sighs and exchange knowing glances. In conclusion, screw all ya'all. Get out of my face and let me watch TV.
:::All ya'all have been screwed and Steve is left to watch his TV. Fade out.:::
