Post by Alex Richards on Apr 15, 2019 16:19:02 GMT -5
Courtesy Zimquilalife.com
As the greatest Internet Champion of all time it's about time I got myself an online presence. Beyond Twitter, Facebook, and Tinder at least. Becky knows about the Tinder profile by the way, we just enjoy swiping left together... as foreplay.
But that wasn't enough so I got myself a online blog to update the world on what Alex Richards has been up to. Full disclosure I'm gonna get bored with this whole writing thing so I'll quickly forget about it and never mention it again. But before I do I'm going to declare myself the Archduke of the Internet and the greatest internet champion on earth one more time.
You're probably wondering why I haven't posted a video this week. Well I have good reason. It's been a busy week for the archduke of the internet. Ever have the flu? Well when you're a monster of a man like me the flu really sucks. Everyone always tells you to drink Ginger ale. But there wasn't any at the Drunken Dragon so I went with Ginger Beer. Then I figured I'd just cut out the middle men and drink straight beer instead. Long story short I woke up in jail but the flu was gone so I consider that a win. Let that be a lesson to all of you.. drinking cures everything!
It was a damn good thing it was too. Playoffs started this week. If you know me you know what that means.. the hockey fight league started up again. I was sure I was going to repeat as champion. I even won my first round match in a record 6.75 seconds. But sadly I was disqualified in the second round. They claimed that my bringing a boot of Zim-Quila onto the ice was a weapon. For shame Ultimate Hockey Fights League.. you changed. Everyone knows fighting and drinking go hand in hand. Besides I was gonna offer it to my opponent anyways. Everybody fights better while drunk. It would have been more of a challenge.
Full disclosure again.. I'm probably just doing this to try and set up a triple threat match between myself, Jayson Price and Zombie McMorris in an epic internet battle. Because that would be straight fire and everybody knows it.
Unlike my match this week. Let's be real. It's kind to get motivated for a match that there is only one real tag team in. To boot the Enforcers aren't even team-mates in this match because everyone knows we would have killed in there. Like to the point where it would be literally no contest. Ten times out of ten we would have won. Kind of ironic that Odin's main goal in winning the tag team tournament was to rebuild the tag division but as a team we are so fucking awesome that nobody wants to get into the ring against the pair of us. This match is a sham pure and simple. But I'm a professional, in fact I'm world champion. There's a reason for that. Talent wins out in the end which is why my team is going to win.
Normally I would take this opportunity to talk trash about the biggest competition in the match facing me. But really I'm not going to talk crap about Odin. I mean make no mistake Odin and I are going to beat the ever loving shit out of each other when we square off. Because that's what people like us do. That's part of the reason that makes us a great team. The fact that we both love a challenge and both always want to prove that we're the best. But that isn't going to happen this week. This match is going to come down to either myself or Odin failing to break up the other one's pinfall on one of the weak links in the match. To be honest though.. I like my chances.
James Wolf at least is a way better partner then Scott Slayer. I'd take Wolf over Slayer any day of the week. Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly like James Wolf but can I work with him long enough to win a match? Absolutely. At least James Wolf can stand on his own two feet by himself. Scott Slayer continually aligns himself with person after person, hoping they can lead him to success. But they don't.. so he turns on them. He always blames his partners instead the rightful culprit. Himself. The only reason Scott Slayer moves up the card is that people who kicked his ass leave. That is literally the truth. So congratulates on being better then Jayden Thunder. At least you don't run when you get your ass kicked. Unfortunately this week is about to be yet another in a long line of matches where you do indeed get your ass kicked. Sorry about your luck. Actually not sorry. Get good Scott Slayer. A word of advice though. After I pin your worthless ass don't turn on Odin Balfore. That will not end well for you. James wanted to be my partner a few months ago so that means we're the only team who actually at least sort of half ass wants to be together. Jayson Price would rather be in a bar then in this match and his idea of teamwork with Noble Savage is looking down her shirt. Odin Balfore can win a match teaming with a literal anchor. And he is teaming with a literal anchor. At least my partner has a pulse and probably is motivated to win in order to secure a rematch with Odin Balfore. In the world of these random pairings it looks like I won the lottery again.
Speaking of Tinder Jayson Price is also on here. I believe he's trying to get back with Mama Statche. Gross. But yet that's actually a good decision compared to teaming with Noble Savage this week. Teaming with Noble Savage is going to lead to Jayson Price getting hurt.
Because I'm going to be honest that's my real goal this week. Triple threat match means no disqualification. That plays into Odin Balfore, the hardcore champion's strengths. As well as my partner a man who calls himself Morbid Wolf's strengths. But this week it plays into my strengths. Because there is one real motivation for me this week. I want to hit Noble Savage as hard and as often with as many weapons as possible. If I lose the match but get to beat Noble bloody I'll consider that a win. Because last week I made Noble's lackeys suffer. But this week I'm really going to drive home the message. Noble is going to wish she never got involved in my business against Bonnie Blue. I'll make sure of it. When this match is over I know which witch is going to be leaving on a stretcher. Because your foolish decisions are going to spell your demise
Alex Richards is a professional wrestler, and a semi professional writer. He has puns. He also has victories. At the end of this week James Wolf and himself will have one more victory.
As the greatest Internet Champion of all time it's about time I got myself an online presence. Beyond Twitter, Facebook, and Tinder at least. Becky knows about the Tinder profile by the way, we just enjoy swiping left together... as foreplay.
But that wasn't enough so I got myself a online blog to update the world on what Alex Richards has been up to. Full disclosure I'm gonna get bored with this whole writing thing so I'll quickly forget about it and never mention it again. But before I do I'm going to declare myself the Archduke of the Internet and the greatest internet champion on earth one more time.
You're probably wondering why I haven't posted a video this week. Well I have good reason. It's been a busy week for the archduke of the internet. Ever have the flu? Well when you're a monster of a man like me the flu really sucks. Everyone always tells you to drink Ginger ale. But there wasn't any at the Drunken Dragon so I went with Ginger Beer. Then I figured I'd just cut out the middle men and drink straight beer instead. Long story short I woke up in jail but the flu was gone so I consider that a win. Let that be a lesson to all of you.. drinking cures everything!
It was a damn good thing it was too. Playoffs started this week. If you know me you know what that means.. the hockey fight league started up again. I was sure I was going to repeat as champion. I even won my first round match in a record 6.75 seconds. But sadly I was disqualified in the second round. They claimed that my bringing a boot of Zim-Quila onto the ice was a weapon. For shame Ultimate Hockey Fights League.. you changed. Everyone knows fighting and drinking go hand in hand. Besides I was gonna offer it to my opponent anyways. Everybody fights better while drunk. It would have been more of a challenge.
Full disclosure again.. I'm probably just doing this to try and set up a triple threat match between myself, Jayson Price and Zombie McMorris in an epic internet battle. Because that would be straight fire and everybody knows it.
Unlike my match this week. Let's be real. It's kind to get motivated for a match that there is only one real tag team in. To boot the Enforcers aren't even team-mates in this match because everyone knows we would have killed in there. Like to the point where it would be literally no contest. Ten times out of ten we would have won. Kind of ironic that Odin's main goal in winning the tag team tournament was to rebuild the tag division but as a team we are so fucking awesome that nobody wants to get into the ring against the pair of us. This match is a sham pure and simple. But I'm a professional, in fact I'm world champion. There's a reason for that. Talent wins out in the end which is why my team is going to win.
Normally I would take this opportunity to talk trash about the biggest competition in the match facing me. But really I'm not going to talk crap about Odin. I mean make no mistake Odin and I are going to beat the ever loving shit out of each other when we square off. Because that's what people like us do. That's part of the reason that makes us a great team. The fact that we both love a challenge and both always want to prove that we're the best. But that isn't going to happen this week. This match is going to come down to either myself or Odin failing to break up the other one's pinfall on one of the weak links in the match. To be honest though.. I like my chances.
James Wolf at least is a way better partner then Scott Slayer. I'd take Wolf over Slayer any day of the week. Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly like James Wolf but can I work with him long enough to win a match? Absolutely. At least James Wolf can stand on his own two feet by himself. Scott Slayer continually aligns himself with person after person, hoping they can lead him to success. But they don't.. so he turns on them. He always blames his partners instead the rightful culprit. Himself. The only reason Scott Slayer moves up the card is that people who kicked his ass leave. That is literally the truth. So congratulates on being better then Jayden Thunder. At least you don't run when you get your ass kicked. Unfortunately this week is about to be yet another in a long line of matches where you do indeed get your ass kicked. Sorry about your luck. Actually not sorry. Get good Scott Slayer. A word of advice though. After I pin your worthless ass don't turn on Odin Balfore. That will not end well for you. James wanted to be my partner a few months ago so that means we're the only team who actually at least sort of half ass wants to be together. Jayson Price would rather be in a bar then in this match and his idea of teamwork with Noble Savage is looking down her shirt. Odin Balfore can win a match teaming with a literal anchor. And he is teaming with a literal anchor. At least my partner has a pulse and probably is motivated to win in order to secure a rematch with Odin Balfore. In the world of these random pairings it looks like I won the lottery again.
Speaking of Tinder Jayson Price is also on here. I believe he's trying to get back with Mama Statche. Gross. But yet that's actually a good decision compared to teaming with Noble Savage this week. Teaming with Noble Savage is going to lead to Jayson Price getting hurt.
Because I'm going to be honest that's my real goal this week. Triple threat match means no disqualification. That plays into Odin Balfore, the hardcore champion's strengths. As well as my partner a man who calls himself Morbid Wolf's strengths. But this week it plays into my strengths. Because there is one real motivation for me this week. I want to hit Noble Savage as hard and as often with as many weapons as possible. If I lose the match but get to beat Noble bloody I'll consider that a win. Because last week I made Noble's lackeys suffer. But this week I'm really going to drive home the message. Noble is going to wish she never got involved in my business against Bonnie Blue. I'll make sure of it. When this match is over I know which witch is going to be leaving on a stretcher. Because your foolish decisions are going to spell your demise
Alex Richards is a professional wrestler, and a semi professional writer. He has puns. He also has victories. At the end of this week James Wolf and himself will have one more victory.
