Post by Jay Omega on Feb 3, 2019 23:44:25 GMT -5
*Welcome back, True Believers! It's good to have the usual gig back, eh? Let's cut to the chase before Boringface McStuffypants realizes what's up, and kicks us out of the control booth. So we fade in on Los Hombre Omeguloso - that's Spanish for "The Omega Man"--*
*No it isn't.*
*ACK! Don't sneak up on me like that, ass! I'm doing the voice-over narration stuff for this promo, and you can't stop me!*
*By all means. I accomplished my goals while keeping you and Jay distracted, so I'll be off again.*
*Wait, what?*
*Bye!*
*... Huh. Wonder what he meant by that? Anywho, we fade in on Jay Omega, dressed for competition and chilling on a sandy beach just after sunset; the sky a motley crew of melding hues that fades from a blazing orange near the horizon into a royal purple near the top of the screen. A cheery bonfire crackles in the foreground, casting oddly dancing shadows across Jay's smiling face.*
Jay Omega: So, I'm back. I am bored as fuck and extremely disappointed in Sammy McPee's lack of loquaciousness. I don't have any real material to work with at the moment, so instead I'm just gonna make some shit up for comedy's sake, because at this point, I totally have the time to waste. So here we go with the Top Ten Reasons Samuel McPherson Wears A Mask. Number Ten: The mask is actually a filter, because his breath smells like poop and Vaseline. Number Nine: His face is so grotesque, the mask actually improves his allure. I think that was another leftover from Dune, but whatever. Number Eight: He has terribly groomed facial hair and can't be trusted with razors. Hmm, seems like that kinda ties in to Number Nine. Number Seven: His lower jaw gets cold very easily, and the mask has a built-in heater. Number Six: He's actually very sick, and wears a mask to avoid spreading his illness.
*Omega produces his ever-present black cigarette case, shakes out a spliff, and lights up.*
Jay Omega: Number Five: Sam McPherson actually is Dune, and wears a mask to conceal his identity. The fact that it's the exact same mask Dune already wore went completely over his bald head. Number Four: Sam's a Sikh convert, and the mask is his religious headgear. Number Three: His lungs are fucked and the mask feeds him a constant supply of oxygen, ala Darth Vader, but waaaay less badass. Number Two: Sam has an eating disorder, and the mask prevents him from stuffing his face all the damn time. And the Number One reason why McPherson wears a mask: Because Lord Raab wants his gimp to look like a gimp.
*Jay hits the burning bud in his hand and exhales through his nose with a snort.*
Jay Omega: Well that was fun. Okay, I'm out of here for real this time; see y'all Monday night!
*Omega gives us a chipper wave, and the scene fades to black.*
*No it isn't.*
*ACK! Don't sneak up on me like that, ass! I'm doing the voice-over narration stuff for this promo, and you can't stop me!*
*By all means. I accomplished my goals while keeping you and Jay distracted, so I'll be off again.*
*Wait, what?*
*Bye!*
*... Huh. Wonder what he meant by that? Anywho, we fade in on Jay Omega, dressed for competition and chilling on a sandy beach just after sunset; the sky a motley crew of melding hues that fades from a blazing orange near the horizon into a royal purple near the top of the screen. A cheery bonfire crackles in the foreground, casting oddly dancing shadows across Jay's smiling face.*
Jay Omega: So, I'm back. I am bored as fuck and extremely disappointed in Sammy McPee's lack of loquaciousness. I don't have any real material to work with at the moment, so instead I'm just gonna make some shit up for comedy's sake, because at this point, I totally have the time to waste. So here we go with the Top Ten Reasons Samuel McPherson Wears A Mask. Number Ten: The mask is actually a filter, because his breath smells like poop and Vaseline. Number Nine: His face is so grotesque, the mask actually improves his allure. I think that was another leftover from Dune, but whatever. Number Eight: He has terribly groomed facial hair and can't be trusted with razors. Hmm, seems like that kinda ties in to Number Nine. Number Seven: His lower jaw gets cold very easily, and the mask has a built-in heater. Number Six: He's actually very sick, and wears a mask to avoid spreading his illness.
*Omega produces his ever-present black cigarette case, shakes out a spliff, and lights up.*
Jay Omega: Number Five: Sam McPherson actually is Dune, and wears a mask to conceal his identity. The fact that it's the exact same mask Dune already wore went completely over his bald head. Number Four: Sam's a Sikh convert, and the mask is his religious headgear. Number Three: His lungs are fucked and the mask feeds him a constant supply of oxygen, ala Darth Vader, but waaaay less badass. Number Two: Sam has an eating disorder, and the mask prevents him from stuffing his face all the damn time. And the Number One reason why McPherson wears a mask: Because Lord Raab wants his gimp to look like a gimp.
*Jay hits the burning bud in his hand and exhales through his nose with a snort.*
Jay Omega: Well that was fun. Okay, I'm out of here for real this time; see y'all Monday night!
*Omega gives us a chipper wave, and the scene fades to black.*
