Al Coholic, Judge Judy and whoever the hell Lockhart is
Jan 6, 2019 23:49:15 GMT -5
Alex Richards, Bonnie Blue, and 1 more like this
Post by 'Jazzy' John McCarty on Jan 6, 2019 23:49:15 GMT -5
One is only in a matter of days, but we find our beloved 'Jazzy' John McCarty in court, opposite fellow WCF star, Matt Draven. Oh, and the judge is Judge Judy.
Judy: So, this case is quite peculiar. Two wrestling stars from some indie promotion--
John: --uh, ma'am, I believe WCF is more than an indie promotion.
Judy: I'm sorry did I say you could speak?
John: No ma'am.
Judy: Then shut up.
John: Yes ma--
Judy: --uh-uh! Shut your mouth!
John: *doesn't speak*
Judy: Good. Anyways, two wrestling stars were involved in a fight after an MMA tournament. Mr. McCarty, can I hear your side of this story please?
John: Well, it all starts early last month... Or late last year may I add.
Judy: Please limit the bad jokes.
John: Okay ma'am.
It was before Payback when my friend, the Bartender, claimed 'I'm moving to South Dakota. I got a job there'. Now I was pretty shook. Considering I'm a native of New Orleans, and South Dakota is quite a long way away. And why South Dakota? It's literally the second most useless state, behind it's northern counterpart.
So after he left I was pretty lonely, the closest thing I had to a friend was my acquaintance, Bert Tender. I was madly thinking up of ways to get the Bartender back.
Then one day, a plan had finally hit my head. If I build the House of Blues again, surely the Bartender would come back! So the plot of land was for sale and I was about to buy it back, but it turns out some guy called Jeremy Rebuschatis had beat me to it.
So I confronted him, and after some negotiation, we agreed that if I win his iron-man tournament he's holding, I get the plot of land.
So after many days of training, I have greatly developed my skills as an MMA fighter. Soon it is New Year's Day and I find myself in Philadelphia, for the annual New Year Iron Man Tournament. I was accompanied by Bert, who was my medic, trainer, yada yada, pretty much all the things.
I was welcomed by Jeremy, who said that 'hurry up, the opening ceremony just finished!' He also showed me the tournament bracket. I was the 8th seed and my first match was against the no. 1 seed, Al 'The Man' Coholic. Luckily, he showed up drunk and Jeremy called off the match before it began. I was already a third of the way to getting that plot of land, and more importantly, my friend. And I hadn't even broken a sweat.
John: It sucks being lonely, did I say that?
Judy: Could you hurry up, John? You're taking forever.
John: This is all relevant to the fight, your honor.
Judy: Fine. You may continue.
John: Thank you. Anyways, I was now in the semi-finals and against the no. 4 seed.
The no. 4 seed was 'Iron' Igor Stratovsky. You know, your typical Russian man who is totes into destruction and stuff. I walked past him before the match and he was saying 'Destruction, murder, kill, blah blah' to himself. It spooked me.
So after I walked out to the ring to 'Peaches en Regalia', only one of the best songs ever, Igor walked to the ring.
To the tune of 'O Fortuna'.
In Russian.
It may sound pathetic, but was intimidating. And he would stare at you and you could probably drop dead. He never blinked. Not once. Luckily, he wasn't as strong as he looked. He started off the match well, but I fought back and after a swift cartwheel take-down, he was out. I was almost there. I could smell victory. All that stood between me and the House of Blues was one more fighter.
That fighter happened to be 6'11'', ridiculously muscly and he was heading into this match undefeated. 99-0. I was going to be his 100th victim.
Judy: Mr McCarty please finish this story soon. You're boring everyone in the court. That guy in the back row has fallen asleep!
Guy in the back row: *wakes up*
John: I'm sorry, your honor, but this is all necessary! Plus, the longer I speak, the more of a chance I get to win my match at One against Mr Draven over here.
Matt: Objection!
Judy: Denied.
Matt: Dammit.
Judy: Fine. Continue with your story then.
John: Thank you.
Basically, I was screwed. But Bert was fortunately wise. 'You'll be okay' he said. 'Remember what you're fighting for'. After that I was determined.
He got the first strike, and the next, and very quickly he had gotten me into a submission move. It was painful, but I did not tap out. I did not pass out. In fact, I got out of the submission move and started fighting back. But he would not budge. He had controlled most of the first round, but the second round was mine.
It was the final round, and he had taken me down once more. 'Tap out!' he screamed. But I wasn't going down easy. I wanted that land. Jeremy was by ringside, and he looked nervous. He knew I should've been gone by now. He was about to lose his land.
I then knew what I had to do. You know that Sherlock Holmes movie, where everything slows down around him and he plans out his moves and then he carries it out perfectly? Well, I had that moment.
I thought to myself...
'If I free my right hand from his grip, I can jab him in the face and he should completely let go of me. If I get up before he does, I can complete another surprise jab, and when he's stunned, an elbow to the jaw and he's out.'
Then I executed my plan. I moved my right hand out of his grip and I turned around and jabbed him in the face. As planned, he let go and I kipped up before he crawled back to his feet. Just as he got to his feet, I jabbed him again and he was stunned. Then, my elbow sent him toppling to the ground. I had done it. I won the MMA tournament. I got the land, I got the House of Blues, I got the Bartender, all in that one second.
After that match however, as Rebuschatis presented me the trophy for winning, he whispered in my ear 'you may have the land, but I still own it. And I'll have you know, I can take it away in a snap'. Jeremy smiled and suddenly, my world just flipped. How could he stoop so low?
And as I walked back to the Philly hotel that night, I was confronted by that man, Matt Draven. 'I saw you do an illegal move' he claimed. 'You shouldn't have won. That was unfair. Blah blah I'm a whiny poop, wah wah wah'
Judy: Mr McCarty please use your immaturity elsewhere! I'm sure that is not what he said.
John: That's what it sounded like.
Judy: Okay, continue your story.
John: Well after that we got in a fight and the police pulled up before we could finish.
Judy: ...Mr McCarty. You could've just said that he confronted you on your way back to the Philly hotel.
John: Disagree. Every part of that was necessary.
Judy: So, I've heard you two are booked against each other for One. Both of your punishments are that you need to learn to work together. So first, I shall contact Mr. Black, head of WCF, and that you will be involved in the tag team titles match. You two can be in the same team. Also, you two have to wear these electric anklets. It may seem overboard, but hey, I'm the legendary Judge-fricking-Judy. If you two are too far apart, you shall receive a small zap. You guys have fun now!
John and Matt are in shock.
Judy: Dismissed!
*gavel bangs*
POST TRIAL
John leaves the courthouse with Draven by his side, where he's met with several microphones near his face and reporters asking questions.
Reporter 1: John is it true that you did an illegal move?
John: Nope
<murmur>
Reporter 2: You've been sentenced to a tag team title match, surely it can't be that bad?
John: A title match isn't bad, but with this dingus it is.
Matt: Right here.
John: I know.
Reporter 3: Tell us about your new opponents, the Very Big Spaniards and, more importantly, the current champs Edwina Lockhart and Estrella Luiz.
John: Well, let me start off with VBS. Something seems fishy to me. It's almost like they're hiding something. They're trying to hide the fact that they're morbidly obese behind their 'high-flying luchador' skills. But, really, they aren't that good at it. They constantly find themselves fighting for the tag title, but they never win. They should honestly accept the fact that they're no good. Maybe they should face Adam Young. That way they have a chance.
However, I can't tell you too much about the tag champs. Edwina Lockhart has never really stood out to me, so I can't really tell you anything about her. Is she happy? Is she a goth? Why is she with Estrella? I honestly don't know. Estrella Luiz I don't mind though. She's always been there to support me and compliment my butt--
A chuckle goes throughout the crowd of reporters.
--so I've grown to like her. As a friend. It's gonna be a shame when I take the titles out of her hands though...
Reporter 4: Speaking of Luiz, have you heard of her accusation that she made on her latest YouTube video?
John: No, I haven't.
Reporter 4: She claimed that you were stalking her, acting so quick to buy her calendar and also being the first to like her posts on Twitter.
John: What? I'm a stalker because I bought her calendar? I was just being supportive back! I felt bad taking in so much support from her that I needed to give some support back, by buying her calendar! So what if it's lying in the back of a storage room? And being lonely in an apartment, you spend more time on social media. And spending more time on instagram or twitter means you see other people's posts quicker. This is just a mere consequence and it's ludicrous that she thinks I'm stalking her.
So at One, I'll make sure that I'm winning that tag title against two morbidly obese, crappy luchadors and that bitch. And whoever Edwina Lockhart.
Judy: So, this case is quite peculiar. Two wrestling stars from some indie promotion--
John: --uh, ma'am, I believe WCF is more than an indie promotion.
Judy: I'm sorry did I say you could speak?
John: No ma'am.
Judy: Then shut up.
John: Yes ma--
Judy: --uh-uh! Shut your mouth!
John: *doesn't speak*
Judy: Good. Anyways, two wrestling stars were involved in a fight after an MMA tournament. Mr. McCarty, can I hear your side of this story please?
John: Well, it all starts early last month... Or late last year may I add.
Judy: Please limit the bad jokes.
John: Okay ma'am.
It was before Payback when my friend, the Bartender, claimed 'I'm moving to South Dakota. I got a job there'. Now I was pretty shook. Considering I'm a native of New Orleans, and South Dakota is quite a long way away. And why South Dakota? It's literally the second most useless state, behind it's northern counterpart.
So after he left I was pretty lonely, the closest thing I had to a friend was my acquaintance, Bert Tender. I was madly thinking up of ways to get the Bartender back.
Then one day, a plan had finally hit my head. If I build the House of Blues again, surely the Bartender would come back! So the plot of land was for sale and I was about to buy it back, but it turns out some guy called Jeremy Rebuschatis had beat me to it.
So I confronted him, and after some negotiation, we agreed that if I win his iron-man tournament he's holding, I get the plot of land.
So after many days of training, I have greatly developed my skills as an MMA fighter. Soon it is New Year's Day and I find myself in Philadelphia, for the annual New Year Iron Man Tournament. I was accompanied by Bert, who was my medic, trainer, yada yada, pretty much all the things.
I was welcomed by Jeremy, who said that 'hurry up, the opening ceremony just finished!' He also showed me the tournament bracket. I was the 8th seed and my first match was against the no. 1 seed, Al 'The Man' Coholic. Luckily, he showed up drunk and Jeremy called off the match before it began. I was already a third of the way to getting that plot of land, and more importantly, my friend. And I hadn't even broken a sweat.
John: It sucks being lonely, did I say that?
Judy: Could you hurry up, John? You're taking forever.
John: This is all relevant to the fight, your honor.
Judy: Fine. You may continue.
John: Thank you. Anyways, I was now in the semi-finals and against the no. 4 seed.
The no. 4 seed was 'Iron' Igor Stratovsky. You know, your typical Russian man who is totes into destruction and stuff. I walked past him before the match and he was saying 'Destruction, murder, kill, blah blah' to himself. It spooked me.
So after I walked out to the ring to 'Peaches en Regalia', only one of the best songs ever, Igor walked to the ring.
To the tune of 'O Fortuna'.
In Russian.
It may sound pathetic, but was intimidating. And he would stare at you and you could probably drop dead. He never blinked. Not once. Luckily, he wasn't as strong as he looked. He started off the match well, but I fought back and after a swift cartwheel take-down, he was out. I was almost there. I could smell victory. All that stood between me and the House of Blues was one more fighter.
That fighter happened to be 6'11'', ridiculously muscly and he was heading into this match undefeated. 99-0. I was going to be his 100th victim.
Judy: Mr McCarty please finish this story soon. You're boring everyone in the court. That guy in the back row has fallen asleep!
Guy in the back row: *wakes up*
John: I'm sorry, your honor, but this is all necessary! Plus, the longer I speak, the more of a chance I get to win my match at One against Mr Draven over here.
Matt: Objection!
Judy: Denied.
Matt: Dammit.
Judy: Fine. Continue with your story then.
John: Thank you.
Basically, I was screwed. But Bert was fortunately wise. 'You'll be okay' he said. 'Remember what you're fighting for'. After that I was determined.
He got the first strike, and the next, and very quickly he had gotten me into a submission move. It was painful, but I did not tap out. I did not pass out. In fact, I got out of the submission move and started fighting back. But he would not budge. He had controlled most of the first round, but the second round was mine.
It was the final round, and he had taken me down once more. 'Tap out!' he screamed. But I wasn't going down easy. I wanted that land. Jeremy was by ringside, and he looked nervous. He knew I should've been gone by now. He was about to lose his land.
I then knew what I had to do. You know that Sherlock Holmes movie, where everything slows down around him and he plans out his moves and then he carries it out perfectly? Well, I had that moment.
I thought to myself...
'If I free my right hand from his grip, I can jab him in the face and he should completely let go of me. If I get up before he does, I can complete another surprise jab, and when he's stunned, an elbow to the jaw and he's out.'
Then I executed my plan. I moved my right hand out of his grip and I turned around and jabbed him in the face. As planned, he let go and I kipped up before he crawled back to his feet. Just as he got to his feet, I jabbed him again and he was stunned. Then, my elbow sent him toppling to the ground. I had done it. I won the MMA tournament. I got the land, I got the House of Blues, I got the Bartender, all in that one second.
After that match however, as Rebuschatis presented me the trophy for winning, he whispered in my ear 'you may have the land, but I still own it. And I'll have you know, I can take it away in a snap'. Jeremy smiled and suddenly, my world just flipped. How could he stoop so low?
And as I walked back to the Philly hotel that night, I was confronted by that man, Matt Draven. 'I saw you do an illegal move' he claimed. 'You shouldn't have won. That was unfair. Blah blah I'm a whiny poop, wah wah wah'
Judy: Mr McCarty please use your immaturity elsewhere! I'm sure that is not what he said.
John: That's what it sounded like.
Judy: Okay, continue your story.
John: Well after that we got in a fight and the police pulled up before we could finish.
Judy: ...Mr McCarty. You could've just said that he confronted you on your way back to the Philly hotel.
John: Disagree. Every part of that was necessary.
Judy: So, I've heard you two are booked against each other for One. Both of your punishments are that you need to learn to work together. So first, I shall contact Mr. Black, head of WCF, and that you will be involved in the tag team titles match. You two can be in the same team. Also, you two have to wear these electric anklets. It may seem overboard, but hey, I'm the legendary Judge-fricking-Judy. If you two are too far apart, you shall receive a small zap. You guys have fun now!
John and Matt are in shock.
Judy: Dismissed!
*gavel bangs*
POST TRIAL
John leaves the courthouse with Draven by his side, where he's met with several microphones near his face and reporters asking questions.
Reporter 1: John is it true that you did an illegal move?
John: Nope
<murmur>
Reporter 2: You've been sentenced to a tag team title match, surely it can't be that bad?
John: A title match isn't bad, but with this dingus it is.
Matt: Right here.
John: I know.
Reporter 3: Tell us about your new opponents, the Very Big Spaniards and, more importantly, the current champs Edwina Lockhart and Estrella Luiz.
John: Well, let me start off with VBS. Something seems fishy to me. It's almost like they're hiding something. They're trying to hide the fact that they're morbidly obese behind their 'high-flying luchador' skills. But, really, they aren't that good at it. They constantly find themselves fighting for the tag title, but they never win. They should honestly accept the fact that they're no good. Maybe they should face Adam Young. That way they have a chance.
However, I can't tell you too much about the tag champs. Edwina Lockhart has never really stood out to me, so I can't really tell you anything about her. Is she happy? Is she a goth? Why is she with Estrella? I honestly don't know. Estrella Luiz I don't mind though. She's always been there to support me and compliment my butt--
A chuckle goes throughout the crowd of reporters.
--so I've grown to like her. As a friend. It's gonna be a shame when I take the titles out of her hands though...
Reporter 4: Speaking of Luiz, have you heard of her accusation that she made on her latest YouTube video?
John: No, I haven't.
Reporter 4: She claimed that you were stalking her, acting so quick to buy her calendar and also being the first to like her posts on Twitter.
John: What? I'm a stalker because I bought her calendar? I was just being supportive back! I felt bad taking in so much support from her that I needed to give some support back, by buying her calendar! So what if it's lying in the back of a storage room? And being lonely in an apartment, you spend more time on social media. And spending more time on instagram or twitter means you see other people's posts quicker. This is just a mere consequence and it's ludicrous that she thinks I'm stalking her.
So at One, I'll make sure that I'm winning that tag title against two morbidly obese, crappy luchadors and that bitch. And whoever Edwina Lockhart.
