Paid Advertisement From The Next Television Champion
Nov 18, 2018 23:42:28 GMT -5
Teo Blaze, marcmayhem, and 1 more like this
Post by Alex Richards on Nov 18, 2018 23:42:28 GMT -5
The gravely voice of Alex Richards cuts across the dead air
The following is a paid advertisement by the next television champion. The views and opinions expressed by Alex Richards are those of the host and do not necessarily reflect the views of opinions of the broadcast station. Although they should because how often have I been wrong lately? I said we were going to pay Odin back for War. Ya'll saw Helimination. I said that the Monstimals weren't real champions. I proved that last week. Whatever views and opinions I state tonight you know are all true.
The scene fades in to a studio audience cheering loudly, most likely because the applause button is on as Alex takes the stage, or the rather set of his infomercial. In this case the set is literally just a beat up looking plaid couch, and a coffee table. Alex however walks on, nods approvingly at his set, and the audience. Then promptly downs the boot of Zim-Quila he brought with him, slams it on the table and begins..
I'm Alex Richards the boozing bruiser of wrestling. Now everyone knows over the next thirty minutes I'm going to tell you about my product.. Zim-Quila
Alex pauses.
Alex Richards: Is what you would think. But I'm gonna be honest, I own a bar, Drunken Dragon in Chicago that serves Zim-Quila. I have the patent on Zim-Quila. I sell a shit ton of Zim-Quila and quite frankly I don't need any help. In fact if you look under your chairs.. I got something for you.
Audience members look under their chairs and grab a boot of Zim-Quila. An actual cheer rings out as the audience begins drinking. Then a lot of the smiles turn to puzzled expressions.
Yeah I don't know why I let Zach convince me to make Zim-Quila light with lime. Just tastes odd don't it? But hey free booze! Now I know you aren't excited about that.. but I'm actually excited about this new product I'm offering..
Rebecca Thatch struts on stage in a strapless evening gown wearing a unique lucha mask.
The brand new state of the art Teo Teddy Del Sol Blazing See through Lucha Mask!
The sign to cheer goes on but the audience's response is lukewarm at best. Rebecca hands the mask to Alex, kisses him and walks off.
What a beautiful model! Not talking about the mask! For the low bargain price of 19.99 plus shipping and handling you too can see through Teddy Blaze. Sure this lucha mask is cheap, poorly made, and easily destroyed. But like I said.. that's Teddy Blaze to the a T. Teddy wants you to believe that egotistic, bad ass, king of all media image he portrays is the real him. Not even close! Anyone ever wonder something? Why doesn't Teddy Blaze ever seem to appear when Teo Del Sol is doing well? Why wouldn't he want his alter ego to share in the celebration? Because Teddy Blaze ain't real. Teddy is just Teo play acting. Because whenever things start going poorly for Teo he brings out Teddy Blaze. Because that's his defensive mechanism. But it ain't the real him. The nice guy Teo.. that's the right Teo. Teddy doesn't actually exist. He's simply a mask. He's the mask Teo uses to mask the pain of failure. Teo is neither hero nor villain, he’s as worthless as Hindsight Lad.
Alex crushes the Blazing mask..
Anyone ever wonder why Teo never broke through the glass ceiling, why he's never been world champion? Because Teo refuses to fail with failure. He refuses to admit defeat. And more importantly he refuses to learn from his mistakes. Teo is exactly two notes. Neither he's the nicest guy in the world, a man who legitimately wants to be a hero. Or he's a cartoon Mr. Cool bad guy. Teddy is so afraid of failure he refuses to face reality. You have never eliminated a single man in War. Every single WAR match you have ever been in was an absolute disappointment. An absolute failure.
Alex cocks an eyebrow
How did you handle it? You attempted to change the question by morphing from Teo Del Sol to Teo Blaze. The Ultimate Destroyer ended your hopes of going to One. The Ultimate Destroyer of all people! You know how many times I've lost to the Ultimate Destroyer? I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with beero!
Some of the crowd yell out Zero.
So clearly being a nice guy wasn't working for you. So you pretended to be a bad guy instead. How did that work out for you? Your first match back as Teddy Blaze you faced my teammate Noble Savage. It went great.. for the Guardians. Once again Teddy decided to gloss over the situation. Once more Teo ignored the source and went with a distraction. Bitch, I'm the Archduke of Mass Confusion I know all about distractions they don't work on me. I know Teo's Must See TV.. which be to honest was pretty damn half assed and phoned in was just an attempt to make people forget about the losses. Then came your crowning achievement Teo Teddy Del Blaze.. an epic one week television title reign! That made it all worthwhile right?
Alex plasters on a big fake smile.
What's better then one one week television title reign? How about two because that's exactly what you're about to accomplish yet again! This week you have the misfortune of facing off against me and unlike you I know exactly how I am. People may love me.. people may hate me. But at least I know who I am and I know what makes me successful. You don't know any of that! You don't know what makes you tick. Your entire identity was based around the misguided notion that the good guys always win in the end. That if you play according to the rules you will receive your just awards. You lived your life as if you were in a Disney movie of the week. But this is the real world. Logan is a 6 time world champion in spite of being someone whose name you can't say without wanting to throw up. Twice the world title has changed hands on a final destination cash in robbing Joey Flash and SJW of the world title. In real life Donald Trump is the president in spite of being a racist, sexist motherfucker and multiple time world champion Gravedigger pals around with him like they are best fucking buddies!
Alex picks up the second Blazing mask that has mysterious appeared on the table in front of him due to the magic of editing.
I know that to win you can't always please everyone. You can't always play fair. Sometimes you have to get dirty. But you don't Teddy. No matter how many times you try to convince the world with your Teddy Blaze Schick we all know that's not you. And most importantly you know it's not you. You're fighting a losing battle with yourself Teddy. Because you refuse to ever admit that everything you believe in, everything you have always believed in is a lie. You're a parody of yourself Teo Del Sol. Teddy is the mask you wear but the truth is the only thing that can save you. Pretending to be a different person doesn't change the person you are.
The results speak for themselves. You brag about being a four time television champion. But all that really means is that you're really good at losing the television title. Your longest reign was 48 days. Which sounds impressive.. unless you notice your other three title reigns haven't been that long combined. 35 days Ted. There's a reason people think Johnny Rabid and not you when they think of great television champions. Hey! Let's see if we can't sell a few of these masks. If you're interested all ya gotta do is call 1-800-TEO-FAKE! That number once again... 1-800- T-E-O F-A-K-E!
The number posts on the screen for the people watching at home.
I'm sure Ted is out there wondering.. why did I choose to do an infomercial to attack his character? The fact he doesn't understand is yet another reason why I'm going to take his television title from him at Slam this week. Ted thinks just declaring himself the king of all media is something he can do without being challenged for it. Back when I was in the UCI I declared myself the King of Mass Confusion. This was because I won their Capture the Throne tournament to become wrestling royalty. I didn't just co-opt it without earning that shit. Ted did defeat Gemini Battle. But he hardly defeated all challengers. For instance there was a man who strike fear into the hearts of challengers on the internet. When I was internet champion nobody wanted to step to me. Including Teo. As far as I'm concerned being the king of all media is a bogus claim so I made this infomercial to challenge you.. to prove what a failure your so called media reign has been. I spent my own money to make this.. about 500 people came to watch and a few thousand more will probably watch this at 3am when its aired. All of those people.. they chose to see me. You don't spend your own money.. you piggyback off of WCF television to air your Must See TV, which is really anything but. But everyone who watches.. they aren't watching to see your lame segment, they were already a captive audience, already watching the show. That sums up the difference between us in a nutshell. I take the kind of risks you are afraid of. Unlike you.. I'm not afraid of failure.. I learn from it to achieve success. My ultimate failure the last time I was in the WCF lead to me winning the UCI world title.. and is going to lead to me capturing the WCF world championship as well one day. Your failure at War lead to you half heartedly challenging the Ultimate Destroyer then being relieved the match was never signed so that you never actually had to risk losing to him again. Why is someone who is so intent as being a good guy so adverse to taking risks? This is why you're really a failure. Because whether you want to be considered Teo or Teddy deep down you lack the confidence in yourself to truly achieve success.
Someday you'll be a five time television champion. I'll help you achieve this by taking the belt from you this week. Hell maybe you'll be a 6 or even 8 time television champion. But nobody will be talking about you.. they will be talking about the dominant world champion Alex Richards. If I'm being honest the television title is actually secondary to me. I want those Stones you hold Ted. Those hold the key to getting my shot at the world champion. Because unlike you Ted, I know for a fact I can defeat Odin. In fact I already have. Someday I'll have all those Stones. But right now one of the Stones you hold is particularly important. The Gravedigger Stone. You gave up on getting your revenge on Destroyer. I refuse to give up on my plot to get revenge on Gravedigger. Capturing his stone is simply the next step into luring him into combat and destroying him.
Alex reaches into his pocket and pulls out.. his own stone, The Seth Lerch stone.
I have this for one week, the same as your last two television title reigns. But unlike you I intend on holding onto it for a hell of a lot longer. But I don't mind risking what I have. Because if you're not willing to fight for your position you don't deserve it. You're content with merely being television champion and being the fake king of media because that's the best you feel you can do. That's why you stand absolutely no chance against me this week Blaze. You just want this title so people don’t realize you’re a loser. That’s not enough. I have real motivation. In honour of the late Stan Lee I’ll tale his trademark phrase excelsior which means ever upward to heart. Teo doesn’t know how to move forward. Teo's only superpower is disappointing people.
Alex sneers.
I saw that you expressed respect for me and the Guardians this week on twitter. You even invited us to appear on your show. I'm sorry Teddy but I can't say the same about you. I don't respect people who are weak. I don't respect people who hide who they truly are. I don't respect people whose fear of failure destroy their careers. Teddy acts smug and arrogant but has never done anything to actually earn it. Like everything about him.. it is just an act.. it's a mask just as easily torn apart as this one. Kennedy wasn't experienced enough to see through the illusion and even she was able to unseat you once. Sorry Teo you don't have a chance against me. There's a reason the Guardians went outside the company and brought in Damian Kaine instead of you to compete on our team at Helimination. Kaine has heart.. you only pretend to.
Alex pulls out a second Zim-Quila drinking it slowly, thoughtfully.
Maybe I can help you. That was always the M.O. of the Guardians to help people. Even though people don't seem to realize that these days. You won't either. But this beating, this title loss. It's going to help you. It's going to let you see where you're going wrong. The question is.. do you want to stand on this same path of failure.. or do you want to change? I know Teo.. I know because I've been there. People don't remember me in my early days in the WCF. I was an angry man, but it wasn't real anger the anger was because I was scared of the outside world. I was scared what people would think of the real me. In the end I revealed my true self. I'm a fun loving drunk with a legitimate streak of righteous anger. If you wear a mask Teo.. if you don't truly know who you are.. you have nothing, you will achieve nothing. Now unfortunately my time is up.. let's see how many Blazing Masks we moved.
graphic on the screen flashes... 0 Sold.
Sorry Teddy.. looks like nobody is buying your shit anymore. I took the mask you wore. The illusion of Teddy Blaze you tried to pass off as the truth. Now I take my rewards.. the television championship and those precious stones. Teo you talked about hurting Kennedy last week but you could only just barely win. You should consider yourself lucky I only want your titles because unlike you.. I keep my promises.
The following is a paid advertisement by the next television champion. The views and opinions expressed by Alex Richards are those of the host and do not necessarily reflect the views of opinions of the broadcast station. Although they should because how often have I been wrong lately? I said we were going to pay Odin back for War. Ya'll saw Helimination. I said that the Monstimals weren't real champions. I proved that last week. Whatever views and opinions I state tonight you know are all true.
The scene fades in to a studio audience cheering loudly, most likely because the applause button is on as Alex takes the stage, or the rather set of his infomercial. In this case the set is literally just a beat up looking plaid couch, and a coffee table. Alex however walks on, nods approvingly at his set, and the audience. Then promptly downs the boot of Zim-Quila he brought with him, slams it on the table and begins..
I'm Alex Richards the boozing bruiser of wrestling. Now everyone knows over the next thirty minutes I'm going to tell you about my product.. Zim-Quila
Alex pauses.
Alex Richards: Is what you would think. But I'm gonna be honest, I own a bar, Drunken Dragon in Chicago that serves Zim-Quila. I have the patent on Zim-Quila. I sell a shit ton of Zim-Quila and quite frankly I don't need any help. In fact if you look under your chairs.. I got something for you.
Audience members look under their chairs and grab a boot of Zim-Quila. An actual cheer rings out as the audience begins drinking. Then a lot of the smiles turn to puzzled expressions.
Yeah I don't know why I let Zach convince me to make Zim-Quila light with lime. Just tastes odd don't it? But hey free booze! Now I know you aren't excited about that.. but I'm actually excited about this new product I'm offering..
Rebecca Thatch struts on stage in a strapless evening gown wearing a unique lucha mask.
The brand new state of the art Teo Teddy Del Sol Blazing See through Lucha Mask!
The sign to cheer goes on but the audience's response is lukewarm at best. Rebecca hands the mask to Alex, kisses him and walks off.
What a beautiful model! Not talking about the mask! For the low bargain price of 19.99 plus shipping and handling you too can see through Teddy Blaze. Sure this lucha mask is cheap, poorly made, and easily destroyed. But like I said.. that's Teddy Blaze to the a T. Teddy wants you to believe that egotistic, bad ass, king of all media image he portrays is the real him. Not even close! Anyone ever wonder something? Why doesn't Teddy Blaze ever seem to appear when Teo Del Sol is doing well? Why wouldn't he want his alter ego to share in the celebration? Because Teddy Blaze ain't real. Teddy is just Teo play acting. Because whenever things start going poorly for Teo he brings out Teddy Blaze. Because that's his defensive mechanism. But it ain't the real him. The nice guy Teo.. that's the right Teo. Teddy doesn't actually exist. He's simply a mask. He's the mask Teo uses to mask the pain of failure. Teo is neither hero nor villain, he’s as worthless as Hindsight Lad.
Alex crushes the Blazing mask..
Anyone ever wonder why Teo never broke through the glass ceiling, why he's never been world champion? Because Teo refuses to fail with failure. He refuses to admit defeat. And more importantly he refuses to learn from his mistakes. Teo is exactly two notes. Neither he's the nicest guy in the world, a man who legitimately wants to be a hero. Or he's a cartoon Mr. Cool bad guy. Teddy is so afraid of failure he refuses to face reality. You have never eliminated a single man in War. Every single WAR match you have ever been in was an absolute disappointment. An absolute failure.
Alex cocks an eyebrow
How did you handle it? You attempted to change the question by morphing from Teo Del Sol to Teo Blaze. The Ultimate Destroyer ended your hopes of going to One. The Ultimate Destroyer of all people! You know how many times I've lost to the Ultimate Destroyer? I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with beero!
Some of the crowd yell out Zero.
So clearly being a nice guy wasn't working for you. So you pretended to be a bad guy instead. How did that work out for you? Your first match back as Teddy Blaze you faced my teammate Noble Savage. It went great.. for the Guardians. Once again Teddy decided to gloss over the situation. Once more Teo ignored the source and went with a distraction. Bitch, I'm the Archduke of Mass Confusion I know all about distractions they don't work on me. I know Teo's Must See TV.. which be to honest was pretty damn half assed and phoned in was just an attempt to make people forget about the losses. Then came your crowning achievement Teo Teddy Del Blaze.. an epic one week television title reign! That made it all worthwhile right?
Alex plasters on a big fake smile.
What's better then one one week television title reign? How about two because that's exactly what you're about to accomplish yet again! This week you have the misfortune of facing off against me and unlike you I know exactly how I am. People may love me.. people may hate me. But at least I know who I am and I know what makes me successful. You don't know any of that! You don't know what makes you tick. Your entire identity was based around the misguided notion that the good guys always win in the end. That if you play according to the rules you will receive your just awards. You lived your life as if you were in a Disney movie of the week. But this is the real world. Logan is a 6 time world champion in spite of being someone whose name you can't say without wanting to throw up. Twice the world title has changed hands on a final destination cash in robbing Joey Flash and SJW of the world title. In real life Donald Trump is the president in spite of being a racist, sexist motherfucker and multiple time world champion Gravedigger pals around with him like they are best fucking buddies!
Alex picks up the second Blazing mask that has mysterious appeared on the table in front of him due to the magic of editing.
I know that to win you can't always please everyone. You can't always play fair. Sometimes you have to get dirty. But you don't Teddy. No matter how many times you try to convince the world with your Teddy Blaze Schick we all know that's not you. And most importantly you know it's not you. You're fighting a losing battle with yourself Teddy. Because you refuse to ever admit that everything you believe in, everything you have always believed in is a lie. You're a parody of yourself Teo Del Sol. Teddy is the mask you wear but the truth is the only thing that can save you. Pretending to be a different person doesn't change the person you are.
The results speak for themselves. You brag about being a four time television champion. But all that really means is that you're really good at losing the television title. Your longest reign was 48 days. Which sounds impressive.. unless you notice your other three title reigns haven't been that long combined. 35 days Ted. There's a reason people think Johnny Rabid and not you when they think of great television champions. Hey! Let's see if we can't sell a few of these masks. If you're interested all ya gotta do is call 1-800-TEO-FAKE! That number once again... 1-800- T-E-O F-A-K-E!
The number posts on the screen for the people watching at home.
I'm sure Ted is out there wondering.. why did I choose to do an infomercial to attack his character? The fact he doesn't understand is yet another reason why I'm going to take his television title from him at Slam this week. Ted thinks just declaring himself the king of all media is something he can do without being challenged for it. Back when I was in the UCI I declared myself the King of Mass Confusion. This was because I won their Capture the Throne tournament to become wrestling royalty. I didn't just co-opt it without earning that shit. Ted did defeat Gemini Battle. But he hardly defeated all challengers. For instance there was a man who strike fear into the hearts of challengers on the internet. When I was internet champion nobody wanted to step to me. Including Teo. As far as I'm concerned being the king of all media is a bogus claim so I made this infomercial to challenge you.. to prove what a failure your so called media reign has been. I spent my own money to make this.. about 500 people came to watch and a few thousand more will probably watch this at 3am when its aired. All of those people.. they chose to see me. You don't spend your own money.. you piggyback off of WCF television to air your Must See TV, which is really anything but. But everyone who watches.. they aren't watching to see your lame segment, they were already a captive audience, already watching the show. That sums up the difference between us in a nutshell. I take the kind of risks you are afraid of. Unlike you.. I'm not afraid of failure.. I learn from it to achieve success. My ultimate failure the last time I was in the WCF lead to me winning the UCI world title.. and is going to lead to me capturing the WCF world championship as well one day. Your failure at War lead to you half heartedly challenging the Ultimate Destroyer then being relieved the match was never signed so that you never actually had to risk losing to him again. Why is someone who is so intent as being a good guy so adverse to taking risks? This is why you're really a failure. Because whether you want to be considered Teo or Teddy deep down you lack the confidence in yourself to truly achieve success.
Someday you'll be a five time television champion. I'll help you achieve this by taking the belt from you this week. Hell maybe you'll be a 6 or even 8 time television champion. But nobody will be talking about you.. they will be talking about the dominant world champion Alex Richards. If I'm being honest the television title is actually secondary to me. I want those Stones you hold Ted. Those hold the key to getting my shot at the world champion. Because unlike you Ted, I know for a fact I can defeat Odin. In fact I already have. Someday I'll have all those Stones. But right now one of the Stones you hold is particularly important. The Gravedigger Stone. You gave up on getting your revenge on Destroyer. I refuse to give up on my plot to get revenge on Gravedigger. Capturing his stone is simply the next step into luring him into combat and destroying him.
Alex reaches into his pocket and pulls out.. his own stone, The Seth Lerch stone.
I have this for one week, the same as your last two television title reigns. But unlike you I intend on holding onto it for a hell of a lot longer. But I don't mind risking what I have. Because if you're not willing to fight for your position you don't deserve it. You're content with merely being television champion and being the fake king of media because that's the best you feel you can do. That's why you stand absolutely no chance against me this week Blaze. You just want this title so people don’t realize you’re a loser. That’s not enough. I have real motivation. In honour of the late Stan Lee I’ll tale his trademark phrase excelsior which means ever upward to heart. Teo doesn’t know how to move forward. Teo's only superpower is disappointing people.
Alex sneers.
I saw that you expressed respect for me and the Guardians this week on twitter. You even invited us to appear on your show. I'm sorry Teddy but I can't say the same about you. I don't respect people who are weak. I don't respect people who hide who they truly are. I don't respect people whose fear of failure destroy their careers. Teddy acts smug and arrogant but has never done anything to actually earn it. Like everything about him.. it is just an act.. it's a mask just as easily torn apart as this one. Kennedy wasn't experienced enough to see through the illusion and even she was able to unseat you once. Sorry Teo you don't have a chance against me. There's a reason the Guardians went outside the company and brought in Damian Kaine instead of you to compete on our team at Helimination. Kaine has heart.. you only pretend to.
Alex pulls out a second Zim-Quila drinking it slowly, thoughtfully.
Maybe I can help you. That was always the M.O. of the Guardians to help people. Even though people don't seem to realize that these days. You won't either. But this beating, this title loss. It's going to help you. It's going to let you see where you're going wrong. The question is.. do you want to stand on this same path of failure.. or do you want to change? I know Teo.. I know because I've been there. People don't remember me in my early days in the WCF. I was an angry man, but it wasn't real anger the anger was because I was scared of the outside world. I was scared what people would think of the real me. In the end I revealed my true self. I'm a fun loving drunk with a legitimate streak of righteous anger. If you wear a mask Teo.. if you don't truly know who you are.. you have nothing, you will achieve nothing. Now unfortunately my time is up.. let's see how many Blazing Masks we moved.
graphic on the screen flashes... 0 Sold.
Sorry Teddy.. looks like nobody is buying your shit anymore. I took the mask you wore. The illusion of Teddy Blaze you tried to pass off as the truth. Now I take my rewards.. the television championship and those precious stones. Teo you talked about hurting Kennedy last week but you could only just barely win. You should consider yourself lucky I only want your titles because unlike you.. I keep my promises.
