Post by Alex Richards on Nov 11, 2018 22:56:37 GMT -5
Hank Brown: The Dothan Civic center in glorious Dothan, Alabama has been home to some legendary sporting events such as UFC 12: Judgment Day. But none bigger then the event this evening where the Monstimals open challenge gauntlet is taking place to crown new number one contenders for the WCF tag team championships! One thing is for certain this is going to be an exciting night of WCF action!
Hank looks around and shakes his head, muttering to himself.
Hank Brown: That's why I'm a professional. I can even make this rat and flea infested run down hell hole of a arena sound good. Ah well this gig pays and it's better then being back in Oblivions van I guess.
Hank raises his voice.
Hank Brown: But first a word with tonight's contenders!
Hank walks through the curtain, sighs deeply and looks around at the contenders, or lack thereof. He finally approaches two clean shaven, absolutely ordinary in every way looking men wearing adidas track suits.
Hank Brown: Not to sound insulting but you guys don’t look like serious contenders in tonight’s open challenge. What makes you think you’re going to win this match?
Man: Because my name is Joe Moustache and this is my second cousin Eddy Moustache and we are going to win the tag team gauntlet because tag wrestling is in our blood!
Hank Brown: You guys are Moustaches? You’re so.. normal looking.. and clean shaven.
Eddy Moustache: That’s what they said! But me and Joe we’re really big into genealogy so we actually paid on ancestry.com and we learned that we are both 1/64 Moustache! But they laughed at us!
Joe Moustache: Yeah! I dunno why. We can just be just as dirty and sexual as any of them. Check this out... Boobies! Viagra! Clitoris!
Eddy Moustache: Ohh.. that’s really naughty. Let me try.. Belly Button!
Hank Brown: That is not even a remotely dirty sexual term.
Eddy Moustache: That’s not what my daddy said. Besides look at our clothes.. we are wearing adidas tracksuits. That stands for.. all day I dream about sex!
Joe snort laughs.
Joe Moustache: That’s super naughty. Tonight we prove we are real starches when we capture the WCF gong bang championships just like our family members did in the UCI!
Hank Brown: Not that I want to bring this up.. but I believe Biff and Buff always called those the gang bang championships.
Eddy Moustache: Nope.. you’re clearly mistaken.
Hank seems to want to agrue considering the fact he’s right but decides it’s not worth it.
Hank Brown: Good luck to you.
Joe and Eddy: THANKS HANK!
You’ll need it he mutters as he walks away looking for other teams. He finds one that looks at least a little more opposing. He spots a short, fat man dressed in black, and a tall pale man also dressed all in black. He decides to try and get control of this interview and looks at his phone to identify the wrestlers.. then instantly looks disappointed.
Hank Brown: Panty Bearer and the Underwear Taker?
Panty Bearer: Ohhh yes! My underwear taker will take the drawers of every tag team in this room!
Underwear Taker: I look deep into your soul Hank Brown and I can tell you are wearing boxer briefs.
Hank Brown: Well that’s not creepy at all.
Panty Bearer: I know right? I’ve been saying that for years. Nobody ever believes me though!
Hank Brown: I was being sarcastic.. HEY!
While Hank was talking with Panty the Underwear Taker acted.. reaching deep into Brown’s pants and pulling off his underwear! He then places them on Panty Bearer’s head and the two run off laughing manically. Hank considers giving chase.
Hank Brown: Oh screw it. They had a hole in them anyways.
Hank takes a few steps.. only to have two men dressed as Gods standing in our of them.
Hank Brown: When you gentlemen entered the tag team tournament you entered as Gods... names pending. What names did you settle on?
Smaller God: I’m Loki.
Larger God: Dude! I told you to pick a new name! That’s already a wrestler named Lo-Ki.. he’s going to sue us dude!
Smaller God: Fine.. I’ll change my name.. I’m Zeus.
Larger God: There’s a wrestler named Zeus too! He’s going to sue you too!
Zeus: Well if you’re so smart what God name did you come up with?
Large: I am.. the almighty.. the immortal.. Ares Balfore!
Zeus slumps.
Zeus: That’s way better than my mine.
Hank Brown: You do know you’re in the WCF right? And by ripping off Odin Balfore’s name you are making yourself a target, right?
Ares Balfore: Nah, he’s a nice guy. I’m sure he’ll be cool with it.
Hank Brown: I’m sure the legendary world champion is going to be just fine with you capitalizing on his legacy.
Zeus: Z Mac was cool with a second honey badger. Maybe Odin be cool too.
Hank Brown walks off muttering Odin’s going to kill you. The final team in the room bellows and growls and generally makes a pain in the ass of themselves until Hank goes over to interview them.
Hank Brown: The
THE REAL MONSTERANIMALS!
A man dressed in a barney costume bellows.
Hank Brown: You guys..
The man dressed like Baloo from a jungle book answers.
Baloo: We don’t look like wrestlers right? Because I’m a bear and he’s a dinosaur. Well sorry but those tag team championships are on my list of bear necessities!
Hank Brown: I didn’t say you weren’t wrestlers. I was going to say the real monstimals would likely take offence.
Barney: WE ARE THE REAL MONSTERANIMALS! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN US AT THAT KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY! WE ATE THE WHOLE CAKE AND MADE HIM CRY!
Baloo: Just like we are gonna make everyone cry tonight. Those tag titles are as good as ours.
Hank Brown: Not so fast. There is one more team joining us live via satellite. The.. oh Jesus Christ.. Hocus Pocus. Why did I agree to host this?
The scene fades to what appears to be a local hotel bar. Which is clearly a huge step up from this likely condemned arena. Bonnie Blue and Noble Savage of Guardian fame are enjoying a drink when a third person, wearing what can only be described as a cheap looking black pointy hat wraps his massive arms around the duo.
Alex Richards: Just hanging with my witches!
Noble doesn’t seem to know how to react to Alex, a common theme. Bonnie however grins.
Bonnie Blue: The Halloween store was having a clearance sale wasn’t it?
Alex Richards: You bet they were!
Alex’s eyes light up and he reaches into his doctor’s bag and pulls out a massive bottle of
Alex Richards: Green dye! Later on we are all gonna cover ourselves in this and strip naked! It’ll be great!
Noble whispers over to Bonnie.
Noble Savage: Is he serious?
Bonnie whispers back.
Bonnie Blue: He’s giving you a hard time because you’re new to the Guardians.
Alex stage whispers back.
Alex Richards: She’s totally right! I’m just messing with ya!
Noble snatches the bottle.
Noble Savage: I’ll keep this just to be safe. Nobody wants to see you all incredible hulk like and naked anyways.
Alex laughs.
Alex Richards: You kidding? Becky thought that was a great idea! She’s got the rest of the dye back in my hotel room.
Noble Savage: Guess we know where not to be tonight.
Bonnie Blue: Yeah.. thanks Alex I thought the nightmares were last week.
Alex Richards: Well ladies.. if you’ll excuse me I have some shtick to do.
Bonnie Blue: I was wondering why you hauled that giant fake cauldron in.
Alex Richards: Got that 75 percent off too.
Alex looks directly into the camera, next to the cheap fake cauldron and lets out what can only be described as the worst attempt at a witchy laugh ever.
Alex Richards: What’s up witches! Tonight I have something that will lead Hocus Pocus to victory and spell defeat for the Monstimals.
Alex reaches into his doctor’s bag and begins pulling out random items while chanting.
Alex Richards: Eye of Jobber... Tongue of Mute... Plenty of Shoes for asses to boot!
When Alex throws several pairs of shoes into the cauldron.. Damian Kaine has had enough. He pops up out of the cauldron.
Damian Kaine: This is lame.
Alex Richards: Yeah.. you right. We’re the Guardians we’re not some cheap joke!
Damian Kaine: Let’s show them what Guardians do what they feel like they are being disrespected.
We cut back to the Dothan Civic Centre but the tag team gauntlet competitors really wish we didn’t as they are immediately under siege by the Guardians who obviously pre taped their segment if you’re too dumb to put that together. It’s not much of a fight in fact it’s a totally slaughter. The Underwear Taker first throws Hank’s boxers then Panty Bearer at the Guardians. But Damian quickly dispatches Bearer with a boomstick while Alex eliminates Taker with a Zim-Quila hangover. The Phoney Gods try to run but they trip over the Moustaches in their panic. This allows the Guardians to take them out with little trouble. Leaving only the Real Monsteranimals. Once again this is absolutely no challenge. Highlights include Alex spinning Barney’s fake head around and the dino hitting a wall before eating a spiked Samoan punch from the archduke. Meanwhile Damian executes the Parazzi Ambush spear through a press table.
Alex Richards: What do you think Hank? Are we done yet?
Hank Brown: Anytime someone..
Damian Kaine: Nah we ain’t done yet!
Damian holds his knee out.. as Alex picks up the monsteranimal dressed as Barney and drives him down hard onto the knee with a vicious chokeslam. Baloo the Bear staggers up.. right into the Ode to the Plague codebreaker.. as Baloo snaps back from the impact Alex nails him with the final enlightenment.
Alex Richards: Now we’re done. Hank I think it’s time you announce the winners of the tag team gauntlet.
Hank Brown: Your winners of the tag team gauntlet.. Hocus
Alex Richards: No.. the Guardians.
Hank Brown: Your winners of the tag team gauntlet.. the Guardians.
Alex Richards: So Sammy.. Raab.. where’s our fucking title shot? You guys say you are bringing glory back to the tag team division. Bullshit! You guys have brought nothing but shame to the tag team division since the moment you proclaimed yourselves champions. The tag team division has one problem.. you! You bunch of gutless cowards!
I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say none of these guys are real WCF wrestlers. You are going to say none of them entered your little tag team gauntlet that you guys promoted on television. Well at least Damian and I actually got people to compete! Your tag team gauntlet was a joke. It has no teams because it only had one purpose. To deny Bonnie Blue and myself the rightful tag team title shot we earned! You knew that after Helloween you were going to have to defend those titles against the Guardians. So you created a fake tag team challenge in hopes of avoiding us. Makes perfect sense really.
Hank Brown: How so?
Alex Richards: It’s a sham tag team tournament for sham tag team champions. The monstimals.. who exactly have the two of you beaten to earn that claim of being tag team champions? Because last time I checked Eccentrix was the one who won that match against Teo Del Sol and Kid Dynamo. Not either of you two pretenders. You want to whine that no one is taking the tag team division seriously? Maybe it’s just no one is taking either of you jokers serious as champions. Eccentrix.. now there’s someone worthy of respect. Not that I like the guy but he was the only man to ever defeat Noble Savage. Eccentrix earned those tag team titles not either of you. Oh, wait.. but then Sammy and Raab really earned those belts. Yep.. totally proved themselves as worthy champions. Now did Sammy challenge Eccentrix to a match for the right to the tag titles? Hell no! He would have lost and everyone knows it! So like a true hero Sammy grabbed the title belts and stole them! Ohh... what a tough guy! He stole the belts and beat up the guy who actually earned them two on one. You know what the saddest part of all that is Hank?
Hank Brown: Not really.
Alex Richards: The saddest part is.. that sums up their title reign perfectly. Basically Eccentrix thought the fact that he would have to team up with Samuel was so deplorable he decided he’d rather just leave. Because there’s absolutely no challenge in defeating the Monstimals. No glory in defeating the Monstimals. I won the UCI tag team championships from Zombie McMorris and Kaz Mazy. Two opponents you can be proud of defeating. In the WCF Oblivion and I defended the tag team championships against former champions the New Confederacy Johnny Reb and Doc Henry. You guys never won the titles and never defended them. As far as I’m concerned Corey Black fucked up when he decided to recognize you guys are champions because as far as I am concerned, and as far as the record is concerned for that matter.. you guys are absolute zeros.
Alex repeats himself.
Alex Richards: Absolute fucking zeros. You guys have done one thing for the tag team championships. you have given them the distinction of being held by the two biggest, most useless pussies to ever hold gold in the WCF. Make no mistake.. you are only holding those titles. Until your first title defence. Which is probably why you keep making excuses not to defend them. Clearly that’s the only real reason you joined Odin’s team at Helimination. If Sammy wasn’t on Odin’s team why you guys would have had to defend the title team titles at Helloween. I mean I saw what Sammy did in the Helimination match first hand. That HAS to be the only reason he was in it. Because all that bullshit about getting revenge on the Guardians was just that.. bullshit. You folded within minutes McPherson! You wrestled like you were a guy who was hiding out from a title defence because you were a guy hiding out from a title defence! What did you and I do at Helimination, Damian?
Damian shrugs.
Alex Richards: That was a serious question.
Damian Kaine: Larp!
Alex Richards: You’re doing a impression of Samuel?
Damian Kaine: Larp!
Alex Richards: I’m pretty sure he doesn’t say Live Action Role Play?
Damian Kaine: Just go with it. LAAAAAAARP!
Alex Richards: Okay fine. I’ll answer my own question. Damian made his return to the WCF and silenced the doubters by eliminating the first man in Helimination. As for me.. while I didn’t survive the match it took ten MS-13 gang members to take me out of it. And what was my response to that? I immediately challenged Gravedigger, the man responsible for that attack and he refused to fight me and instead left! That’s the difference between the Guardians and the Monstimals. When I say I’m not a pussy I actually do stuff in order to prove my point. Damian and I declared War on Odin Balfore and we not only hung with the legend but we were ultimately victorious! You guys simply pretend to be tough guys.
Alex snorts.
Alex Richards: You think you are bad asses because you beat up the Very Big Somethings. Well take a number everyone’s done that. You want to be tough guys why don’t you give me what I’ve earned.. my tag team title shot. Maybe you guys are right. Maybe Bonnie isn’t interested in a tag team shot because she is too good for the likes of you. To be honest I am too. But I’m willing to be charitable and give the tag team titles some credibility back. You guys talked some crap about a tag team gauntlet you never intended on happening.. the Guardians not only exposed your little scam tonight.. but we actually ran a tag team gauntlet and beat every team in the WCF to earn a shot at those belts. So I’m calling you guys out. If you got any balls you’ll put those titles on the line this week and give me the tag team shot I already earned. Because whether it’s Bonnie and I.. or Damian Kaine and I.. we are still the Guardians and the Guardians are still tag team wrestling.
Hank Brown: There you have it! A big challenge issued.
Alex Richards: We already know the answer though. You’re going to ignore it. The mighty monstimals, the most fearsome tag team on the planet.. they are going to ignore my challenge. They are facing a team who have never teamed up before and yet they are still way too frightened to defend the gold against us. For one simple reason. They are overmatched and they know it. When this match is over.. after Damian and I have our hands raised... Monstimals.. don’t blame us. Because it will be your fault people care even less about the tag team championships. They will all know how gutless the champions are.
Alex Richards: Full disclosure. Damian and I have never teamed before. Yet I’m still so confident I’m willing to cash in at least my half of the tag team title shot this week. That’s what real man do. Real men have confidence in their partner, regardless of who their partner is. Samuel failed the man test when he refused to team with Eccentrix. Now he’s failing it again when he and Raab are refusing my challenge. To be champions you have to truly believe you can beat anyone in the world. Not just half heartedly say it and hope no one calls your bluff. You guys aren’t monsters, and the only animal you resemble is a rabbit that’s running away at top speed. Your team name is as much of a sham as your title reign. After Damian and I beat you the WCF will beg us to accept a re match just to put the tag team titles out of their misery.
Hank Brown: Nice try Alex. But I say Damian and you in action and you already have tandem moves.
Alex Richards: That’s true Hank. That’s because we’re Guardians. We fight together, we train together. We come up with moves.. actual moves such as the Invincible Enlightenment. Our moves even actually work. Will actually lead to victory. The move we came up with.. while training.. this week is better then anything the Monstimals have. That sums this match up nicely. They are out of their league. They can’t even execute their own finisher. So let me get this straight.. Sammy chokeslams his opponent while Raab executes a backstabber.. so Sammy probably rips the tendons in his arm holding up two guys at once.. then Raab gets crushed under his opponent pinning himself? Yeah.. great move guys. Your own finisher exposes you as a joke even more then the Guardians ever count. What do you think Damian.. did I nail it?
Damian Kaine: LAAARP!
Alex Richards: Thought so.
Damian Kaine: Lord Raab is so lame Raab himself from Jackass is frightened he might be mistaken for him.
Alex Richards: You spoke!
Damian Kaine: Had to be said. Although this whole not saying anything.. it’s pretty sweet.
Alex Richards: Don’t make a habit of it.
Damian winks.
Damian Kaine: Who me?
Hank looks around and shakes his head, muttering to himself.
Hank Brown: That's why I'm a professional. I can even make this rat and flea infested run down hell hole of a arena sound good. Ah well this gig pays and it's better then being back in Oblivions van I guess.
Hank raises his voice.
Hank Brown: But first a word with tonight's contenders!
Hank walks through the curtain, sighs deeply and looks around at the contenders, or lack thereof. He finally approaches two clean shaven, absolutely ordinary in every way looking men wearing adidas track suits.
Hank Brown: Not to sound insulting but you guys don’t look like serious contenders in tonight’s open challenge. What makes you think you’re going to win this match?
Man: Because my name is Joe Moustache and this is my second cousin Eddy Moustache and we are going to win the tag team gauntlet because tag wrestling is in our blood!
Hank Brown: You guys are Moustaches? You’re so.. normal looking.. and clean shaven.
Eddy Moustache: That’s what they said! But me and Joe we’re really big into genealogy so we actually paid on ancestry.com and we learned that we are both 1/64 Moustache! But they laughed at us!
Joe Moustache: Yeah! I dunno why. We can just be just as dirty and sexual as any of them. Check this out... Boobies! Viagra! Clitoris!
Eddy Moustache: Ohh.. that’s really naughty. Let me try.. Belly Button!
Hank Brown: That is not even a remotely dirty sexual term.
Eddy Moustache: That’s not what my daddy said. Besides look at our clothes.. we are wearing adidas tracksuits. That stands for.. all day I dream about sex!
Joe snort laughs.
Joe Moustache: That’s super naughty. Tonight we prove we are real starches when we capture the WCF gong bang championships just like our family members did in the UCI!
Hank Brown: Not that I want to bring this up.. but I believe Biff and Buff always called those the gang bang championships.
Eddy Moustache: Nope.. you’re clearly mistaken.
Hank seems to want to agrue considering the fact he’s right but decides it’s not worth it.
Hank Brown: Good luck to you.
Joe and Eddy: THANKS HANK!
You’ll need it he mutters as he walks away looking for other teams. He finds one that looks at least a little more opposing. He spots a short, fat man dressed in black, and a tall pale man also dressed all in black. He decides to try and get control of this interview and looks at his phone to identify the wrestlers.. then instantly looks disappointed.
Hank Brown: Panty Bearer and the Underwear Taker?
Panty Bearer: Ohhh yes! My underwear taker will take the drawers of every tag team in this room!
Underwear Taker: I look deep into your soul Hank Brown and I can tell you are wearing boxer briefs.
Hank Brown: Well that’s not creepy at all.
Panty Bearer: I know right? I’ve been saying that for years. Nobody ever believes me though!
Hank Brown: I was being sarcastic.. HEY!
While Hank was talking with Panty the Underwear Taker acted.. reaching deep into Brown’s pants and pulling off his underwear! He then places them on Panty Bearer’s head and the two run off laughing manically. Hank considers giving chase.
Hank Brown: Oh screw it. They had a hole in them anyways.
Hank takes a few steps.. only to have two men dressed as Gods standing in our of them.
Hank Brown: When you gentlemen entered the tag team tournament you entered as Gods... names pending. What names did you settle on?
Smaller God: I’m Loki.
Larger God: Dude! I told you to pick a new name! That’s already a wrestler named Lo-Ki.. he’s going to sue us dude!
Smaller God: Fine.. I’ll change my name.. I’m Zeus.
Larger God: There’s a wrestler named Zeus too! He’s going to sue you too!
Zeus: Well if you’re so smart what God name did you come up with?
Large: I am.. the almighty.. the immortal.. Ares Balfore!
Zeus slumps.
Zeus: That’s way better than my mine.
Hank Brown: You do know you’re in the WCF right? And by ripping off Odin Balfore’s name you are making yourself a target, right?
Ares Balfore: Nah, he’s a nice guy. I’m sure he’ll be cool with it.
Hank Brown: I’m sure the legendary world champion is going to be just fine with you capitalizing on his legacy.
Zeus: Z Mac was cool with a second honey badger. Maybe Odin be cool too.
Hank Brown walks off muttering Odin’s going to kill you. The final team in the room bellows and growls and generally makes a pain in the ass of themselves until Hank goes over to interview them.
Hank Brown: The
THE REAL MONSTERANIMALS!
A man dressed in a barney costume bellows.
Hank Brown: You guys..
The man dressed like Baloo from a jungle book answers.
Baloo: We don’t look like wrestlers right? Because I’m a bear and he’s a dinosaur. Well sorry but those tag team championships are on my list of bear necessities!
Hank Brown: I didn’t say you weren’t wrestlers. I was going to say the real monstimals would likely take offence.
Barney: WE ARE THE REAL MONSTERANIMALS! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN US AT THAT KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY! WE ATE THE WHOLE CAKE AND MADE HIM CRY!
Baloo: Just like we are gonna make everyone cry tonight. Those tag titles are as good as ours.
Hank Brown: Not so fast. There is one more team joining us live via satellite. The.. oh Jesus Christ.. Hocus Pocus. Why did I agree to host this?
The scene fades to what appears to be a local hotel bar. Which is clearly a huge step up from this likely condemned arena. Bonnie Blue and Noble Savage of Guardian fame are enjoying a drink when a third person, wearing what can only be described as a cheap looking black pointy hat wraps his massive arms around the duo.
Alex Richards: Just hanging with my witches!
Noble doesn’t seem to know how to react to Alex, a common theme. Bonnie however grins.
Bonnie Blue: The Halloween store was having a clearance sale wasn’t it?
Alex Richards: You bet they were!
Alex’s eyes light up and he reaches into his doctor’s bag and pulls out a massive bottle of
Alex Richards: Green dye! Later on we are all gonna cover ourselves in this and strip naked! It’ll be great!
Noble whispers over to Bonnie.
Noble Savage: Is he serious?
Bonnie whispers back.
Bonnie Blue: He’s giving you a hard time because you’re new to the Guardians.
Alex stage whispers back.
Alex Richards: She’s totally right! I’m just messing with ya!
Noble snatches the bottle.
Noble Savage: I’ll keep this just to be safe. Nobody wants to see you all incredible hulk like and naked anyways.
Alex laughs.
Alex Richards: You kidding? Becky thought that was a great idea! She’s got the rest of the dye back in my hotel room.
Noble Savage: Guess we know where not to be tonight.
Bonnie Blue: Yeah.. thanks Alex I thought the nightmares were last week.
Alex Richards: Well ladies.. if you’ll excuse me I have some shtick to do.
Bonnie Blue: I was wondering why you hauled that giant fake cauldron in.
Alex Richards: Got that 75 percent off too.
Alex looks directly into the camera, next to the cheap fake cauldron and lets out what can only be described as the worst attempt at a witchy laugh ever.
Alex Richards: What’s up witches! Tonight I have something that will lead Hocus Pocus to victory and spell defeat for the Monstimals.
Alex reaches into his doctor’s bag and begins pulling out random items while chanting.
Alex Richards: Eye of Jobber... Tongue of Mute... Plenty of Shoes for asses to boot!
When Alex throws several pairs of shoes into the cauldron.. Damian Kaine has had enough. He pops up out of the cauldron.
Damian Kaine: This is lame.
Alex Richards: Yeah.. you right. We’re the Guardians we’re not some cheap joke!
Damian Kaine: Let’s show them what Guardians do what they feel like they are being disrespected.
We cut back to the Dothan Civic Centre but the tag team gauntlet competitors really wish we didn’t as they are immediately under siege by the Guardians who obviously pre taped their segment if you’re too dumb to put that together. It’s not much of a fight in fact it’s a totally slaughter. The Underwear Taker first throws Hank’s boxers then Panty Bearer at the Guardians. But Damian quickly dispatches Bearer with a boomstick while Alex eliminates Taker with a Zim-Quila hangover. The Phoney Gods try to run but they trip over the Moustaches in their panic. This allows the Guardians to take them out with little trouble. Leaving only the Real Monsteranimals. Once again this is absolutely no challenge. Highlights include Alex spinning Barney’s fake head around and the dino hitting a wall before eating a spiked Samoan punch from the archduke. Meanwhile Damian executes the Parazzi Ambush spear through a press table.
Alex Richards: What do you think Hank? Are we done yet?
Hank Brown: Anytime someone..
Damian Kaine: Nah we ain’t done yet!
Damian holds his knee out.. as Alex picks up the monsteranimal dressed as Barney and drives him down hard onto the knee with a vicious chokeslam. Baloo the Bear staggers up.. right into the Ode to the Plague codebreaker.. as Baloo snaps back from the impact Alex nails him with the final enlightenment.
Alex Richards: Now we’re done. Hank I think it’s time you announce the winners of the tag team gauntlet.
Hank Brown: Your winners of the tag team gauntlet.. Hocus
Alex Richards: No.. the Guardians.
Hank Brown: Your winners of the tag team gauntlet.. the Guardians.
Alex Richards: So Sammy.. Raab.. where’s our fucking title shot? You guys say you are bringing glory back to the tag team division. Bullshit! You guys have brought nothing but shame to the tag team division since the moment you proclaimed yourselves champions. The tag team division has one problem.. you! You bunch of gutless cowards!
I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say none of these guys are real WCF wrestlers. You are going to say none of them entered your little tag team gauntlet that you guys promoted on television. Well at least Damian and I actually got people to compete! Your tag team gauntlet was a joke. It has no teams because it only had one purpose. To deny Bonnie Blue and myself the rightful tag team title shot we earned! You knew that after Helloween you were going to have to defend those titles against the Guardians. So you created a fake tag team challenge in hopes of avoiding us. Makes perfect sense really.
Hank Brown: How so?
Alex Richards: It’s a sham tag team tournament for sham tag team champions. The monstimals.. who exactly have the two of you beaten to earn that claim of being tag team champions? Because last time I checked Eccentrix was the one who won that match against Teo Del Sol and Kid Dynamo. Not either of you two pretenders. You want to whine that no one is taking the tag team division seriously? Maybe it’s just no one is taking either of you jokers serious as champions. Eccentrix.. now there’s someone worthy of respect. Not that I like the guy but he was the only man to ever defeat Noble Savage. Eccentrix earned those tag team titles not either of you. Oh, wait.. but then Sammy and Raab really earned those belts. Yep.. totally proved themselves as worthy champions. Now did Sammy challenge Eccentrix to a match for the right to the tag titles? Hell no! He would have lost and everyone knows it! So like a true hero Sammy grabbed the title belts and stole them! Ohh... what a tough guy! He stole the belts and beat up the guy who actually earned them two on one. You know what the saddest part of all that is Hank?
Hank Brown: Not really.
Alex Richards: The saddest part is.. that sums up their title reign perfectly. Basically Eccentrix thought the fact that he would have to team up with Samuel was so deplorable he decided he’d rather just leave. Because there’s absolutely no challenge in defeating the Monstimals. No glory in defeating the Monstimals. I won the UCI tag team championships from Zombie McMorris and Kaz Mazy. Two opponents you can be proud of defeating. In the WCF Oblivion and I defended the tag team championships against former champions the New Confederacy Johnny Reb and Doc Henry. You guys never won the titles and never defended them. As far as I’m concerned Corey Black fucked up when he decided to recognize you guys are champions because as far as I am concerned, and as far as the record is concerned for that matter.. you guys are absolute zeros.
Alex repeats himself.
Alex Richards: Absolute fucking zeros. You guys have done one thing for the tag team championships. you have given them the distinction of being held by the two biggest, most useless pussies to ever hold gold in the WCF. Make no mistake.. you are only holding those titles. Until your first title defence. Which is probably why you keep making excuses not to defend them. Clearly that’s the only real reason you joined Odin’s team at Helimination. If Sammy wasn’t on Odin’s team why you guys would have had to defend the title team titles at Helloween. I mean I saw what Sammy did in the Helimination match first hand. That HAS to be the only reason he was in it. Because all that bullshit about getting revenge on the Guardians was just that.. bullshit. You folded within minutes McPherson! You wrestled like you were a guy who was hiding out from a title defence because you were a guy hiding out from a title defence! What did you and I do at Helimination, Damian?
Damian shrugs.
Alex Richards: That was a serious question.
Damian Kaine: Larp!
Alex Richards: You’re doing a impression of Samuel?
Damian Kaine: Larp!
Alex Richards: I’m pretty sure he doesn’t say Live Action Role Play?
Damian Kaine: Just go with it. LAAAAAAARP!
Alex Richards: Okay fine. I’ll answer my own question. Damian made his return to the WCF and silenced the doubters by eliminating the first man in Helimination. As for me.. while I didn’t survive the match it took ten MS-13 gang members to take me out of it. And what was my response to that? I immediately challenged Gravedigger, the man responsible for that attack and he refused to fight me and instead left! That’s the difference between the Guardians and the Monstimals. When I say I’m not a pussy I actually do stuff in order to prove my point. Damian and I declared War on Odin Balfore and we not only hung with the legend but we were ultimately victorious! You guys simply pretend to be tough guys.
Alex snorts.
Alex Richards: You think you are bad asses because you beat up the Very Big Somethings. Well take a number everyone’s done that. You want to be tough guys why don’t you give me what I’ve earned.. my tag team title shot. Maybe you guys are right. Maybe Bonnie isn’t interested in a tag team shot because she is too good for the likes of you. To be honest I am too. But I’m willing to be charitable and give the tag team titles some credibility back. You guys talked some crap about a tag team gauntlet you never intended on happening.. the Guardians not only exposed your little scam tonight.. but we actually ran a tag team gauntlet and beat every team in the WCF to earn a shot at those belts. So I’m calling you guys out. If you got any balls you’ll put those titles on the line this week and give me the tag team shot I already earned. Because whether it’s Bonnie and I.. or Damian Kaine and I.. we are still the Guardians and the Guardians are still tag team wrestling.
Hank Brown: There you have it! A big challenge issued.
Alex Richards: We already know the answer though. You’re going to ignore it. The mighty monstimals, the most fearsome tag team on the planet.. they are going to ignore my challenge. They are facing a team who have never teamed up before and yet they are still way too frightened to defend the gold against us. For one simple reason. They are overmatched and they know it. When this match is over.. after Damian and I have our hands raised... Monstimals.. don’t blame us. Because it will be your fault people care even less about the tag team championships. They will all know how gutless the champions are.
Alex Richards: Full disclosure. Damian and I have never teamed before. Yet I’m still so confident I’m willing to cash in at least my half of the tag team title shot this week. That’s what real man do. Real men have confidence in their partner, regardless of who their partner is. Samuel failed the man test when he refused to team with Eccentrix. Now he’s failing it again when he and Raab are refusing my challenge. To be champions you have to truly believe you can beat anyone in the world. Not just half heartedly say it and hope no one calls your bluff. You guys aren’t monsters, and the only animal you resemble is a rabbit that’s running away at top speed. Your team name is as much of a sham as your title reign. After Damian and I beat you the WCF will beg us to accept a re match just to put the tag team titles out of their misery.
Hank Brown: Nice try Alex. But I say Damian and you in action and you already have tandem moves.
Alex Richards: That’s true Hank. That’s because we’re Guardians. We fight together, we train together. We come up with moves.. actual moves such as the Invincible Enlightenment. Our moves even actually work. Will actually lead to victory. The move we came up with.. while training.. this week is better then anything the Monstimals have. That sums this match up nicely. They are out of their league. They can’t even execute their own finisher. So let me get this straight.. Sammy chokeslams his opponent while Raab executes a backstabber.. so Sammy probably rips the tendons in his arm holding up two guys at once.. then Raab gets crushed under his opponent pinning himself? Yeah.. great move guys. Your own finisher exposes you as a joke even more then the Guardians ever count. What do you think Damian.. did I nail it?
Damian Kaine: LAAARP!
Alex Richards: Thought so.
Damian Kaine: Lord Raab is so lame Raab himself from Jackass is frightened he might be mistaken for him.
Alex Richards: You spoke!
Damian Kaine: Had to be said. Although this whole not saying anything.. it’s pretty sweet.
Alex Richards: Don’t make a habit of it.
Damian winks.
Damian Kaine: Who me?
