Post by The Very Big Śpainards on Oct 30, 2018 19:14:46 GMT -5
On the 29th October a video simply titled "Jazz" is uploaded onto YouTube.com under the account of one 6foot11behemoth@gmail.com. About 4 minutes long the video begins with WCF tag team VBS standing in front of a poorly rendered green screen of planet earth.
The PlayStation 1 start-up music begins to play as the poorly rendered earth begins to spin and enlarge itself until almost the entire screen is taken up by a large, again poorly rendered, map of Portugal.
El Gran Grande: Spain (ain) (ain) (ain). What a beautiful country (untry) (untry) (untry)...
El Gran Grande is repeating himself in a poor attempt to make it seem like he's echoing. He awkwarldy turns to face the camera and fakes a surprise when he makes eye contact.
El Gran Grande: Oh, hello entire WCF Galaxy! My apologies, I didn't see you there. You've just caught me and my partner admiring the beautiful country of Spain! Such a grand country, right El Aìnsley?
The camera awkwarldy zooms in on El Ainsley's face as he stays silent for a minute, gracelessly looking behind the camera.
El Aìnsley: да.
El Gran Grande: Oh hahahaha. Ainsley don't use Spanish, the best language, while we have the WCF Galaxy with us! They don't understand our Spanish phrasing.
The camera awkwarldy zooms in on El Ainsley's face as he stays silent for a minute, gracelessly looking behind the camera. It's obviously just a repeat of the footage from before.
El Aìnsley: да
El Gran Grande: Speaking of Spain: I actually have quite the message to speak about. Obviously as a fan favourite Spainard and Best Human of all time, it's important that I spread important morals so that my trillions of fans can learn and be better Śpainards. Maybe even one day be better than me!
Although that'll never happen because they're all El Midgetos but hehehe, you didn't hear that from me, right Ainsley?
El Aìnsley: Uh, what's my line ag-
El Aìnsley is silenced quickly as the camera awkwarldy zooms in on El Ainsley's face as he stays silent for a minute, gracelessly looking behind the camera. Another repeat.
El Aìnsley: да.
El Gran Grande: So today I will tell you all a story that has links not only to Spain but also to my opponent. My old friend "Jazzy" John McCartney.
Let us begin!
The green screen changes to a shot of what appears to be a picture of Ancient Egyptians marking the outline of large soon-to-be monument.
El Gran Grande: It was in the year 1899 when great Spanish Warlord Ricky Martin was hanging about with all his Anglo-Saxon friends as they all helped to build the Country we now know as Spain.
They were all having a blast, Laughing in Spanish and listening to Spanish songs like Despacito and 99 Luftbaloons. It was a jolly good Spanish day. Ricky noticed that there wasn't enough dirt to build the rest of the country and so he went to get some more. He got on his Spanish boat and travelled round the world getting dirt for his country.
When suddenly he heard this disgusting, screechy, horrible, stupid ass sound. He held his ears trying to stop the audio version of tear gas from entering his ears and quickly located the source.
Some dumb ass fucking hippy fuckwad blowing into some gold dildo and being a fucking asshole to Ricky Martin, the ignorant piece of shit.
El Aìnsley: Hey, calm down, ya Turkey.
El Gran Grande: I'm not gonna fucking calm down, it's there fault for making fucking Jazz! Shitty fucking Saxamophone shit! They should calm down! The STUPID FUCKING BRASS BRAINED LITTLE 1960'S BASTARDS I FUCKING HATE-
The video cuts and now shows a picture of El Gran Grande, catching his breath, in the same position as before. His eyes go down and he galres at his chest as if that was what made him out of breath and regained his composure.
El Gran Grande: Ricky Martin ran over "Stop!" He cried. "Why are you making such horrible noise?!" But the Jazz Guy didn't even reply he just kept blowing into the weird ass tube like HE HAD A FUCKING LETHARGIC SNAIL RUNNING HIS BODY ISNTEAD OF A BRAIN! WHAAAT THE FUUUC-!
El Aìnsley: I don't think you should keep doing this, I'm gonna switch-
El Gran Grande: NO! I'm fine! I just- Hate Jazz. Why do I hate Jazz? You ask starstruck members of the WCF Audience. Because Jazz is actually the natural enemy of Spain.
Why? Because they're polar opposites of course! Spain is fun and happy and has cool food and guitars and shit. Jazz hasn't gotten cool food, I don't even think Jazz has made any food ever actually.
And plus it hasn't got Guitars or anything cool like that, all they have is bloody tuba's. You expect me to air guitar with a fucking tuba, Jazz?
Those things probably weigh more than the fucking sun, and I'm supposed to hold that and walk at the same time, what am I the fucking Terminator? I can't do that, and I can do anything so you know that it's impossible. And then those dipshits at fucking Bucharest don't care so they send me out anyway, the little fucking Romanian shits. Fuck Marching Jazz Bands, they're the music equivelant of A FUCKING VIKING INVASION FUUUUCK!!
...
Man what the fuck was I talking about?
El Aìnsley: Ricky Martin.
El Gran Grande: Uh.. yeah.. yeah. Uh.. So then Ricky Martin's like "Stop it, man. That hurts my ears" like not being a dick about it just asking nice. But the Jazz guy's like "BWAOHM BWAOHM JAZZ FUCK ME I'M A JAZZ IDIOT!" and gets onto a horse made out of trumpets and then boom!
Turns out it's one of the four horseman of the apocalypse, fuckers. There he is right in between Limp Bizkit and David Sanchez.
So then for like a millennium humanity is haunted by this sucky Jazz, right? They even call it "The Blues" because it makes you sad! Who wants to listen to music to be sad? That's spooky. I only listen to Gregory Helms entrance theme and I don't feel sad listening to that, stupid Jazzians.
So then in like 2007 or something Ricky Martin's like "Ok, now, I'm getting ticked off by this annoying Jazz, now" so he creates this Spanish Inqusition thingy and he gets the Jazz Guy from before and fucking impales him with a wood log and like, it's fucking vertical, right up his fucking spine and shit and then it was like geez Ricky Martin it's just Jazz calm down, that's gruesome. Its just Jazz music its not that bad, you don't have to murder them all. Oh well.
And then that was the end of Grass music. And that's non-fiction by the way.
El Aìnsley: You mean Jazz.
El Gran Grande: Yeah that's what I just said!
El Aìnsley: Ok! Ok.
There's an awkward silence between the pair for a while.
El Aìnsley: So uh.. the moral?
El Gran Grande: The what?
El Aìnsley: The moral. Of the story.
El Gran Grande: What about it?
El Aìnsley: You said there'd be one.
El Gran Grande: I... whe-...
The moral is "Jazzy" John McCartney is a gosh darn donkey and I dislike him immensely. The guy disappears out of thin freaking air and returns at WAR, you know? Cause Jazz is the Horseman of War. So not only is he now back now but apparently he's one of the major players in the midcard.
And you know what? I'll give him that. He's a decent wrestler. And he's not proper obnoxious or anything like that either. And hey, sometimes I want the entirety of humanity to end in a massive war, kinda, so yeah I feel you on that.
What I dislike if how you cam come back on a sort of uninspiring first run to a freaking massive standing Jazzy ovasion but whrn I return from winning 6- COUNT IT! 6 fucking titles within a year! And when I come back EVERYONE THINKS I'M SOMEONE ELSE I'M NOT AND THEN I GET FUCKING INVESTIGATED BY THE FUCKING POLICE! IT'S FUUUUCKED! I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE SAME NATIONALITY AS THAT GUY!
El Aìnsley: Man, why the hell you talking about you returning if you ain't the guy you're talking about.
El Gran Grande: BECAAAAAUUUUUSE!
..
.....
Because..
I...
AM NOT HIM FOR FUCKS SAKE WHAT THE FUCK!
The video cuts of suddenly and cuts to a shot of El Gran Grande holding a chair above his head and with a face to match the fury of a thousand Spartans that got cut off on the way to Target.
El Gran Grande: AND THEY DIDNT EVEN TELL ME! NO WARNING! NO "Hey, we're investigating you so watch out" NO NOTHING! ME AND NASA USED TO BE BEST FRIENDS AND NOW THEY TRY AND THROW ME IN JAIL?! IT'S FUCKED!
The video cuts again to a calmer El Gran Grande standing in front of a calm countryside background.
El Gran Grande: Thanks to the meddling of my ex-bestfriends known as NASA or "Nas" for short, I am bring forced to take off my mask and reveal my identity to the entire world. Don't blink, this is gonna be crazy.
El Gran Grande slowly takes off his mask and as soon as it's off fully a picture of Vin Diesels face is pasted onto where El Gran Grande's head is.
El Gran Grande: I am Vin Diesel.
The video cuts again to a deranged So Gran Grande next to a Home Depot van that looks as if it's been broken into widly swinging around a wrench while screaming.
El Gran Grande: WHAT I DON'T GET IS WHY WOULD THEY BELIEVE VIN DIESEL WHEN HE CALLS ME A LIAR AND NOT ME WHEN I CALL MYSELF A TRUTHE- A TRUTH GUY! WHEN WE'RE THE SAME FUCKING PERSOOOOOOON!!!
El Gran Grande throws the wrench at a nearby house and the window cracks. El Gran Grande starts boxing the air in rage when a large shout comes from the house behind him.
El Gran Grande: YEAH?! WELL DO SOMETHING AB-
The video cuts just late enough to see a flaming molotov rocketing towards El Gran Grande's face.
Now the camera is laying slanted against a car while El Gran Grande pours a water bottle across his burnt mask.
El Gran Grande: You know what? If the FBI real- really does hate me. It's probably because, no matter how much money they spend or how smart they get the midgets in they'll never make a rocket that can reach my height. 6 foot 11 baba-aa-ay.
El Gran Grande's voice is littered with hiccups and his arms is shaking a bit as he pours more of it across his face.
El Aìnsley: Man, are you crying?
El Gran Grande: NO! It's just.. I'm so cool that.. the uh- burn marks are turning into water. Cause I'm cool.
A c-cool guy.
El Aìnsley: I don't think that's how burns work.
El Gran Grande: Well you've never been burnt so... yeah... fungus.
El Aìnsley: Did you just call me a fucking fungus.
El Gran Grande: Yeah what about it-
The video is interupoted when a large fist comes and wacks El Gran Grande right in the face. The fat man's lifeless body bounces off the back of the car and slowly falls to the ground spilling the water bottle over the floor.
El Aìnsley: Who's the fungus now, you Commie?
Fucking fungus...
Piece o-
Oh shit is he actually-? Ok maybe that was a bit harsh.
El Aìnsley kicks the unconsious Śpainards again just to be sure before awkwarldy mumbling "my bad" and moving towards the camera before switching it off.
The PlayStation 1 start-up music begins to play as the poorly rendered earth begins to spin and enlarge itself until almost the entire screen is taken up by a large, again poorly rendered, map of Portugal.
El Gran Grande: Spain (ain) (ain) (ain). What a beautiful country (untry) (untry) (untry)...
El Gran Grande is repeating himself in a poor attempt to make it seem like he's echoing. He awkwarldy turns to face the camera and fakes a surprise when he makes eye contact.
El Gran Grande: Oh, hello entire WCF Galaxy! My apologies, I didn't see you there. You've just caught me and my partner admiring the beautiful country of Spain! Such a grand country, right El Aìnsley?
The camera awkwarldy zooms in on El Ainsley's face as he stays silent for a minute, gracelessly looking behind the camera.
El Aìnsley: да.
El Gran Grande: Oh hahahaha. Ainsley don't use Spanish, the best language, while we have the WCF Galaxy with us! They don't understand our Spanish phrasing.
The camera awkwarldy zooms in on El Ainsley's face as he stays silent for a minute, gracelessly looking behind the camera. It's obviously just a repeat of the footage from before.
El Aìnsley: да
El Gran Grande: Speaking of Spain: I actually have quite the message to speak about. Obviously as a fan favourite Spainard and Best Human of all time, it's important that I spread important morals so that my trillions of fans can learn and be better Śpainards. Maybe even one day be better than me!
Although that'll never happen because they're all El Midgetos but hehehe, you didn't hear that from me, right Ainsley?
El Aìnsley: Uh, what's my line ag-
El Aìnsley is silenced quickly as the camera awkwarldy zooms in on El Ainsley's face as he stays silent for a minute, gracelessly looking behind the camera. Another repeat.
El Aìnsley: да.
El Gran Grande: So today I will tell you all a story that has links not only to Spain but also to my opponent. My old friend "Jazzy" John McCartney.
Let us begin!
The green screen changes to a shot of what appears to be a picture of Ancient Egyptians marking the outline of large soon-to-be monument.
El Gran Grande: It was in the year 1899 when great Spanish Warlord Ricky Martin was hanging about with all his Anglo-Saxon friends as they all helped to build the Country we now know as Spain.
They were all having a blast, Laughing in Spanish and listening to Spanish songs like Despacito and 99 Luftbaloons. It was a jolly good Spanish day. Ricky noticed that there wasn't enough dirt to build the rest of the country and so he went to get some more. He got on his Spanish boat and travelled round the world getting dirt for his country.
When suddenly he heard this disgusting, screechy, horrible, stupid ass sound. He held his ears trying to stop the audio version of tear gas from entering his ears and quickly located the source.
Some dumb ass fucking hippy fuckwad blowing into some gold dildo and being a fucking asshole to Ricky Martin, the ignorant piece of shit.
El Aìnsley: Hey, calm down, ya Turkey.
El Gran Grande: I'm not gonna fucking calm down, it's there fault for making fucking Jazz! Shitty fucking Saxamophone shit! They should calm down! The STUPID FUCKING BRASS BRAINED LITTLE 1960'S BASTARDS I FUCKING HATE-
The video cuts and now shows a picture of El Gran Grande, catching his breath, in the same position as before. His eyes go down and he galres at his chest as if that was what made him out of breath and regained his composure.
El Gran Grande: Ricky Martin ran over "Stop!" He cried. "Why are you making such horrible noise?!" But the Jazz Guy didn't even reply he just kept blowing into the weird ass tube like HE HAD A FUCKING LETHARGIC SNAIL RUNNING HIS BODY ISNTEAD OF A BRAIN! WHAAAT THE FUUUC-!
El Aìnsley: I don't think you should keep doing this, I'm gonna switch-
El Gran Grande: NO! I'm fine! I just- Hate Jazz. Why do I hate Jazz? You ask starstruck members of the WCF Audience. Because Jazz is actually the natural enemy of Spain.
Why? Because they're polar opposites of course! Spain is fun and happy and has cool food and guitars and shit. Jazz hasn't gotten cool food, I don't even think Jazz has made any food ever actually.
And plus it hasn't got Guitars or anything cool like that, all they have is bloody tuba's. You expect me to air guitar with a fucking tuba, Jazz?
Those things probably weigh more than the fucking sun, and I'm supposed to hold that and walk at the same time, what am I the fucking Terminator? I can't do that, and I can do anything so you know that it's impossible. And then those dipshits at fucking Bucharest don't care so they send me out anyway, the little fucking Romanian shits. Fuck Marching Jazz Bands, they're the music equivelant of A FUCKING VIKING INVASION FUUUUCK!!
...
Man what the fuck was I talking about?
El Aìnsley: Ricky Martin.
El Gran Grande: Uh.. yeah.. yeah. Uh.. So then Ricky Martin's like "Stop it, man. That hurts my ears" like not being a dick about it just asking nice. But the Jazz guy's like "BWAOHM BWAOHM JAZZ FUCK ME I'M A JAZZ IDIOT!" and gets onto a horse made out of trumpets and then boom!
Turns out it's one of the four horseman of the apocalypse, fuckers. There he is right in between Limp Bizkit and David Sanchez.
So then for like a millennium humanity is haunted by this sucky Jazz, right? They even call it "The Blues" because it makes you sad! Who wants to listen to music to be sad? That's spooky. I only listen to Gregory Helms entrance theme and I don't feel sad listening to that, stupid Jazzians.
So then in like 2007 or something Ricky Martin's like "Ok, now, I'm getting ticked off by this annoying Jazz, now" so he creates this Spanish Inqusition thingy and he gets the Jazz Guy from before and fucking impales him with a wood log and like, it's fucking vertical, right up his fucking spine and shit and then it was like geez Ricky Martin it's just Jazz calm down, that's gruesome. Its just Jazz music its not that bad, you don't have to murder them all. Oh well.
And then that was the end of Grass music. And that's non-fiction by the way.
El Aìnsley: You mean Jazz.
El Gran Grande: Yeah that's what I just said!
El Aìnsley: Ok! Ok.
There's an awkward silence between the pair for a while.
El Aìnsley: So uh.. the moral?
El Gran Grande: The what?
El Aìnsley: The moral. Of the story.
El Gran Grande: What about it?
El Aìnsley: You said there'd be one.
El Gran Grande: I... whe-...
The moral is "Jazzy" John McCartney is a gosh darn donkey and I dislike him immensely. The guy disappears out of thin freaking air and returns at WAR, you know? Cause Jazz is the Horseman of War. So not only is he now back now but apparently he's one of the major players in the midcard.
And you know what? I'll give him that. He's a decent wrestler. And he's not proper obnoxious or anything like that either. And hey, sometimes I want the entirety of humanity to end in a massive war, kinda, so yeah I feel you on that.
What I dislike if how you cam come back on a sort of uninspiring first run to a freaking massive standing Jazzy ovasion but whrn I return from winning 6- COUNT IT! 6 fucking titles within a year! And when I come back EVERYONE THINKS I'M SOMEONE ELSE I'M NOT AND THEN I GET FUCKING INVESTIGATED BY THE FUCKING POLICE! IT'S FUUUUCKED! I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE SAME NATIONALITY AS THAT GUY!
El Aìnsley: Man, why the hell you talking about you returning if you ain't the guy you're talking about.
El Gran Grande: BECAAAAAUUUUUSE!
..
.....
Because..
I...
AM NOT HIM FOR FUCKS SAKE WHAT THE FUCK!
The video cuts of suddenly and cuts to a shot of El Gran Grande holding a chair above his head and with a face to match the fury of a thousand Spartans that got cut off on the way to Target.
El Gran Grande: AND THEY DIDNT EVEN TELL ME! NO WARNING! NO "Hey, we're investigating you so watch out" NO NOTHING! ME AND NASA USED TO BE BEST FRIENDS AND NOW THEY TRY AND THROW ME IN JAIL?! IT'S FUCKED!
The video cuts again to a calmer El Gran Grande standing in front of a calm countryside background.
El Gran Grande: Thanks to the meddling of my ex-bestfriends known as NASA or "Nas" for short, I am bring forced to take off my mask and reveal my identity to the entire world. Don't blink, this is gonna be crazy.
El Gran Grande slowly takes off his mask and as soon as it's off fully a picture of Vin Diesels face is pasted onto where El Gran Grande's head is.
El Gran Grande: I am Vin Diesel.
The video cuts again to a deranged So Gran Grande next to a Home Depot van that looks as if it's been broken into widly swinging around a wrench while screaming.
El Gran Grande: WHAT I DON'T GET IS WHY WOULD THEY BELIEVE VIN DIESEL WHEN HE CALLS ME A LIAR AND NOT ME WHEN I CALL MYSELF A TRUTHE- A TRUTH GUY! WHEN WE'RE THE SAME FUCKING PERSOOOOOOON!!!
El Gran Grande throws the wrench at a nearby house and the window cracks. El Gran Grande starts boxing the air in rage when a large shout comes from the house behind him.
El Gran Grande: YEAH?! WELL DO SOMETHING AB-
The video cuts just late enough to see a flaming molotov rocketing towards El Gran Grande's face.
Now the camera is laying slanted against a car while El Gran Grande pours a water bottle across his burnt mask.
El Gran Grande: You know what? If the FBI real- really does hate me. It's probably because, no matter how much money they spend or how smart they get the midgets in they'll never make a rocket that can reach my height. 6 foot 11 baba-aa-ay.
El Gran Grande's voice is littered with hiccups and his arms is shaking a bit as he pours more of it across his face.
El Aìnsley: Man, are you crying?
El Gran Grande: NO! It's just.. I'm so cool that.. the uh- burn marks are turning into water. Cause I'm cool.
A c-cool guy.
El Aìnsley: I don't think that's how burns work.
El Gran Grande: Well you've never been burnt so... yeah... fungus.
El Aìnsley: Did you just call me a fucking fungus.
El Gran Grande: Yeah what about it-
The video is interupoted when a large fist comes and wacks El Gran Grande right in the face. The fat man's lifeless body bounces off the back of the car and slowly falls to the ground spilling the water bottle over the floor.
El Aìnsley: Who's the fungus now, you Commie?
Fucking fungus...
Piece o-
Oh shit is he actually-? Ok maybe that was a bit harsh.
El Aìnsley kicks the unconsious Śpainards again just to be sure before awkwarldy mumbling "my bad" and moving towards the camera before switching it off.
