A Confusing History Lesson
Sept 23, 2018 14:09:45 GMT -5
Teo Blaze, Bonnie Blue, and 3 more like this
Post by Alex Richards on Sept 23, 2018 14:09:45 GMT -5
Those who can't remember the past are condemned to repeat it
George Santayana
Alex Richards: Memories like goldfish. Why is it most of the WCF roster seems to have memories like goldfish? I mean they must.. what other explanation can there be for my opponents since I've come back not knowing who I am? People should know who am I.. because I'm the man who's going to win WAR this year. So today I'm going to give everyone a history lesson. I was the Hardcore Champion, But I didn't win it by losing like Steven Singh did.. I won it by winning a 5 way match pinning former world champion Jeff Purse and also including former world champions Logan and Oblivion. Speaking of Oblivion, I held and defended the tag team champions with him. I was a two time champion of the people! I made the Internet Championship a title no one wanted to ever try to get away from me. Not only that but I won it from future hall of famer Dune. In short... I'm a fucking badass with a resume to brag about. So yeah when people don't remember me it makes me upset. Because I earned that respect. And I'll be damned if I let people forget about how good I am! You know something else that eats away at me? I defeated two world champions Bobby Cairo and Odin Balfore during their title reigns in one on one matches and I never heard so much as a whisper about me receiving a title shot. That's why I have to win War... because I can't rely on management doing what's right. I'm the Rodney Dangerfield of the WCF. Fuck that! I'm taking my respect.. along with the title shot I deserve at One! I told everyone I was going to defeat Odin Balfore then go on to win War and go on to beat the champion again at One. Thirty seconds.. I beat the world champion in thirty seconds! Fuck.. I hope I draw number 2 for War. About 40 people entering.. I should be able to wrap the whole thing up in about half an hour! I just beat the best the WCF has to offer in under a minute.. you had better believe I'm taking out the rest of the roster at War.
SZR: Are you sure this is the place?
Shaun Zach, Alex's half brother and cameraman looks around the restaurant.. which has bright green walls as well as fruits and vegetables painted all over them.
Alex Richards: You don't like the puny name? The Lettuce Eat is kinda cheesy.
SZR: No.. that's not it. But.. you brought us to a Vegan restaurant?
Alex Richards: I'll have you know this is the only Vegan buffet in America. The Archduke can find a buffet everywhere he goes Zach. It's one of my hidden talents.
SZR: But you? Health food?
Alex Richards: It's War time Zach. What better way to prepare for War then by getting myself into the meanest mood possible. So until War.. no fried Chinese buffet, no weed, and only one boot of Zim-Quila a day. If you think I'm gonna be hell for me just wait and see what I do to my opponents.
SZR: I'm not even sure you know how to eat a salad..
Alex Richards: Well I'm about to prove you wrong Zach!
Alex doesn't get a chance to prove Shaun wrong though as a loud chant of WHITE IS RIGHT is suddenly heard getting louder and louder. The assorted hipsters and sjws who are regulars in the restaurant look aghast by this language.
SZR: Oh no.. this can't be good.
The members of the cult Alex encountered a few weeks back burst into the restaurant. The entire cult, about 40 people total barge into the buffet. Their leader Joe Warner Junior snarls at Alex.
JWJ: You're gonna regret ruining our mission nigger lover!
Alex Richards: I regret it already. I should have brought hot dogs when I was burning down your building.
JWJ: You're gonna regret saying that too nigger lover!
Alex Richards: Is that the only insult you have?
JWJ: That's the only one I need ni..
Alex Richards: That's enough of that.
JWJ: You don't get to tell us shit! I got all my boys here and we telling you that this is gonna be different this time.. you ain't got your bitch here to help you.. we gonna kill you boy!
The vegans in the restaurant have fled. Shaun Zach looks terrified. But Alex remains calm, a slight smile on his face.
Alex Richards: So.. you want a war do you?
Probably only a few moments of real time passed. But while the Mexican stand off took place this is what was going through Alex's head..
You know what the mistake these guys made? Before you go to WAR you have to know your enemies. You have to know who's truly a threat. You know how many people go into WAR unprepared? How many people have already beaten themselves before the match even starts? It's a shocking number. Not always people you think too. But if you realize it then you can focus in on the real threats instead.
I would trash talk James Wolf but why bother? He's never going to make it to the ring for WAR anyways. On his way to the ring a fan will tell Wolf that he sucks and James will bail on the match in order to call his lawyer and sue the fan for slander claiming that everyone knows James Wolfe doesn't suck because he never does anything that gives anyone else pleasure. Which is actually the best lawsuit you've ever come up with and I came up with it for you. I'm a better James Wolf then real James Wolf. Kind of sad really. I would also say that he has a better chance of scoring with his sister then winning WAR but really why bother? A man who gets a lawyer to fight his battles for him is no warrior. Someone like that has zero chance of winning WAR even if he wasn't the first man in.
I love Buff Mustatche... dude is hilarious. I still say he got totally screwed in that first match against James Wolf because the ref didn't know the rules. But let's be real.. I know he's literally just in this match in an attempt to score with a ring rat underneath the ring. Mama probably wants to seduce drunken Jayson Price. But the fact is.. they don't really want to win. Buff is most likely to get eliminated on a roll up while he's trying to get either Mama or Noble Savage to flash him.
Fourgasm will probably turn on each other when they realize they don’t have any other bad ideas to go with. First they teamed up, then they split up.. then they teamed up again in a clown cult.. then they turn on the leader of the cult and become raging sluts. I’m the Archduke of Mass Confusion and I can’t even follow their logic. Which means there is no logic. Flying by the seat of your pants is not the way to win War Kylie and Lili.
Very Big Spaniards.. or something.. I hope I get the chance to beat them myself. As a big guy who’s actually an athlete those fat loads are making me look bad! Those guys are out of breathe eating a cheeseburger. They clearly don’t have the stamina to win WAR. The second WAR I competed in.. I entered at number 6 and lasted until the 50th competitor entered the ring so it's not like I'm talking out my ass. William is not as good as me as internet champion and he's not even close to me when it comes to WAR.
If this was a few years ago Night Rider would be a very serious threat. These days he’s still dangerous. Anybody who can beat Dune is a great wrestler. I should know I did it twice. But he seems to be going through an identity crisis. Night Rider is a family guy. So he’s obviously more focussed on finding his son then his wrestling career. Understandable. Also he’s been talking about forming or joining a new stable. Night Rider doesn’t seem to know what to do right now. That is not the state of mind to win WAR.
Jayson Price.. most likely to be removed by security from WAR after puking in the ring. I’ll totally drink with him to celebrate my win afterwards though. Shit, I’ll even buy.
Then we get into the real threats.
Teo Del Sol has a record in WAR.. he’s the best wrestler in WCF history to never eliminate anyone in WAR. He may also be the nicest guy in WCF history. Those two facts are no coincidence. Teo has had a lot of success in the WCF but he hasn’t even won one of the big titles. Teo lacks that killer instinct to win WAR. I mean don’t get me wrong I like Teo but it’s true. Deep down even Teo knows it.. that’s the real reason behind Teddy Blaze Teo knew he needed to make a change in order to reach the next level. But when it came down to it.. he just couldn’t. In a way I have a lot of respect for Teo.. he’s true to himself even if that results in his own downfall. Teo won’t win WAR but Teo will remain one of the best guys in the WCF locker room. For him that might be worth just as much. But for me.. fuck I want to win.. that’s why in WAR Teo is not a main threat to me.
Sammy Not Dune.. you would think he would be ever bit as successful as Dune wouldn’t ya? I mean Dune is built to destroy people and so is McPherson. But there’s a difference.. he wasn’t blessed with Dune’s brains. Any of Dune’s brains. I mean look at what he’s done all month long. He stole the tag team title belt from his partner Eccentrix.. proclaiming Lord Raab as his real tag partner.. and he wasn’t even fucking smart enough to challenge Eccentrix to a tag team match for the rights to the belts! I mean c’mon.. that’s an easy solution and neither Raab or Sammy were smart enough to think of it! Even dumber.. Raab didn’t even enter WAR! Umm.. you guys are a tag team you don’t think you could have used the back up in a 40 man match? I know Samuel’s response to that is.. gonna be I don’t need the help to win. Bullshit.. two men doubles your chances of winning.. everyone knows that. Sorry Sammy.. you’re too stupid to win WAR and you can’t fix stupid you can only remove it from the gene pool. Maybe Raab and you can neuter each other after you’re eliminated from WAR.. it won’t take long.
Then there’s Roy Speede, the Action Wrestling World Champion. I’m glad he’s in this match because I personally want to send him back to WAR zero for three in huge opportunities. He lost Alt Showdown, he lost the hardcore title match, now he’s going to lose WAR. He’s not winning WAR and getting MY title shot. Nope.. I’m sending him back to that inferior company with the second rate world title. Last year three UCI champions finished in the top ten of WAR. UCI was a real company... the company I was world champion in. I’m looking forward to making Action look like a joke by sending their champion out as quickly as possible. Don’t worry though you still got that consolation second rate world title as a prize. I’ll have the real belt at One.
One of the dark horses for WAR is the guy who blew his own surprise entry.. Luke Force. Last year Luke Force announced his intentions to win WAR by writing a rap song. This makes him a real threat. Not just because his rap physically damaged you when you heard it. Seriously he makes Post Malone sound like Kayne West. But what makes him a threat is the fact that he did something no one else did to prepare for WAR. Unpredictability is going to be one of my main strengths going into WAR. This man might be as creative as I am. Fortunately for me he's lacking in other areas. Last year he won the Alpha Champion, he finished just outside of the top ten in WAR. But then he proved his mental toughness.. or lack thereof. After coming up with what he thought was a masterstroke to win WAR.. when he failed everything went to hell for him. He won perhaps two matches after WAR. He was dominated in a feud by Very British Security. He couldn't win the world title from John Rabid in spite of SJW's attempts at helping him. Some people just can't deal with losses and it appears Luke Force is one of those people. He'll remember exactly what happened to him at last year's WAR where Leon Hayze defeated him then took his title weeks later. He couldn't learn from his losses then so they just continued to pile up. Things haven't changed. No unique approach from Luke is going to change his luck.
Which brings us to the biggest threats in this match. People looking for a dark horse pick are choosing Noble Savage. They chose wrong. On the surface she seems like a good bet. She’s only been defeated once since entering the WCF. Since my return to the WCF I’ve been undefeated but I digress. On paper she has wins over Odin Balfore and Bonnie Blue. Thing is.. I also have wins over Bonnie and Odin. There’s a difference though. My wins are real wins. I defeated Bonnie Blue in the UCI in a one on one match in the Watch The Throne tournament, which I won. On my own merit. Noble got lucky enough to pick up a DQ win over Bonnie. Never came close to actually defeating her. She only beat Odin Balfore by hitting him with a wretch. I beat Balfore with one move.. the Zim-Quila Hangover.. because he showed the poor judgment in turning his back on me. It took me one move to beat the world champion. I would claim to be the real dark horse pick but I don’t honestly don’t care if anyone thinks I’m going to win. I know I’m going to win. But Noble Savage can’t say the same. I’ve heard rumours that she has a split personality. I don’t know if that’s actually true. It seems more like she has a crisis of confidence. She doesn’t cheat because voices tell her to.. she cheats because deep down a part of her believes she is not good enough. How do I know this? She tipped her hand last week. When she ranted at Hank Brown over why she wasn’t receiving a world title shot after she beat Odin. She could have come out and challenged Odin herself.. she didn’t. To me.. that means she’s scared. She’s already making excuses then she shouldn’t be in WAR because she knows she isn’t going to win. There aren’t enough wrenches to hit everyone with one after all.
Stephen Singh wants everyone to believe he’s the favourite. That’s why he was everywhere, attacking everyone last week. I don’t see it like that. I see that as desperation. Stephen is a two time world champion.. I’ve never won a world title in the WCF. So how do I get off calling him desperate? Simple, since I’ve returned everything has gone exactly as I planned. Every week I win a little more impressively. I’m peaking leading up to WAR. Stephen Singh on the other hand.. things haven’t been the same for him since he lost the world title to Odin. He even helped Adam Young win the world title so he could have an auto win to get the championship back. Didn’t work. He formed the Church of Singh. All of it’s members entered the Ultimate Showdown. In the end Mikey Extreme and Stephen teamed up to eliminate world champion Dune. But then things feel apart for Stephen. Mikey realized he didn’t need Singh... and kicked his ass winning the world title. The church of Singh fell quickly Mikey lost the world title, Kid Dynamo lost the tv title and the tag team titles. They deserted Stephen when they realized he couldn’t help their careers anymore. But see.. Stephen never realized his partners weren’t real team-mates... not like I have in the Guardians. It’s all about what they can do for you. Singh was always known as Thievin’ Steven for good reason because he can’t do things on his own.. he needs to cheat because he’s not good enough. So now he’s using smoke and mirrors in hopes no one else realizes that. Sorry Singh.. I see you for what you are. If I think the way I pinned you in Helimination was an insult.. wait until you see what I do to you at WAR. But hey all is not lost.. maybe you and Savage can form a team after your failed bids at winning WAR. You seem to have a lot in common.
Then there’s the real biggest threat.. Kurt Narravo. Some people are going to overlook him. Those people are going to be going back to the locker room early. Night Rider said he thought Kurt was Crow and John Rabid. He isn’t.. obviously.. but talent wise.. he is. He has the ability to be a world champion just like Rabid. People look at him though and they see a private detective turned wrestler. I know better.. that’s what he wants you to see. I see the man who beat Night Rider two weeks in a row. I see the man who Odin Balfore willing hung out with outside of the ring. That means something.. Odin don’t associate with losers. I have one advantage against him and I’m going to exploit it. I’ve been in WAR before.. I know what WAR is all about. Until you competed in a WAR you just don’t know. Now if this was next year’s WAR I would be incredibly worried. This year though, I’m going to press my advantage, use my experience and eek out a win over someone who’s going to be a future great. Kurt’s time is soon but my time is now.
The dirty secret that people don't realize. Everyone beats themselves sometimes. But everyone going into WAR isn't going to think of that. They aren't going to think about how they lost in the past. So they aren't gonna be able to prevent the same thing from happening in the future. Now I'm not claiming to be innocent of that myself. This is my third WAR match. The first WAR match I competed in my focus was on helping the stable I was a member of, The Pack, make a statement. We did. We stuck together and did a lot of damage. But then Chelsea Armstrong, the leader of the Pack went down, and the dominos started to fall one after another. Chelsea finishing 9th, myself 8th and Jay Omega 7th. We were happy that we made our statement that we were a force to be reckoned with. By the next year we were all members of the elite of the elite in the WCF, Pantheon. My fatal flaw? When things started to go badly for us I didn't have the experience to turn things back around in my favour. Jay and myself both had the skills to win that WAR but not the experience. A lesson Kurt Narravo is going to learn this year. The following year at War XIV I didn't fare as well. Just before the match the world title was put on the line after Joey Flash wussed out.. I mean got injured. I knew what number I had.. number 5. I knew the odds were against me. I psyched myself out. Sure, I lasted a long time, almost made the top 20, but the fact is.. I didn't deserve to win. I wasn't ready to be world champion. Most people don't admit that.. they fully believe they are the gold standard and they are going to be world champion effortlessly. Those are the guys who never win WAR.. those are the guys who don't last 2 months. When you see your best friend Jay Omega win WAR, win the world title.. then you start to know you're ready. For me to have won that WAR everything would have had to go in my favour. This time I'm ready to go through any obstacle in order to achieve my goal of victory. Last time my heart sank when I drew number 5.. this time I hope to the Flying Spaghetti Monster I draw number 2. Because I don't want to have to rely on anyone but me to eliminate the big threats. That's the way a WAR winner thinks.. that's the way a world champion thinks. A contender.. they think maybe I get lucky and win. A champion.. he works to prevent everyone else from getting lucky. Sorry boys.. you won't be getting lucky at WAR.
Alex looks at the hate group.. White is Right is moving closer. Zach looks like he wants to duck under the table from cover. Alex addresses the leader.
Alex Richards: Didn’t you guys bring any guns?
JWJ: Boy, what’s the matter with you? We don’t need any guns to beat your ass. Aren’t you gonna beg for mercy?
Alex Richards: From the likes of you. Please.. I’ve been threatened by better.
JWJ: You’ll beg by the time we’re done.
Everyone thinks they are going to win WAR that's their mistake. There have been 16 WAR matches and only 14 winners. That means roughly 500 people have NOT won WAR. Corey Black never won a WAR, he won the king of the deathmatch tournament. That tells you how hard it is to win WAR. People think they can win WAR on their own merits. That's why I'm confident. I know that you can't win WAR on your own. So I studied everyone who ever won WAR and learned their secrets. That's what I'm going to bring to WAR this year.. that's my advantage.
War I
Umm this is embarrassing there's apparently no footage of War 1. Seth probably taped it over with an episode of Drunk History. But a name named Mace won. So I'm assuming bring an actual mace to the ring. Yeah that works I'll do that.
War II
Hellz Angel gets invited back to compete in WAR by someone every single year. That's how much respect winning WAR gets you. I talked about the lack of respect I get these days. Win WAR problem solved.
War III
Logan won his first WAR when Seth Lerch threw the match to him. The lesson is you have friends in high places you can do anything. Watch and see who my friends are.
War IV
Gravedigger entered WAR and immediately eliminated Hacker. He set the tone on his intentions from the instance he entered the ring. He continued that trend eliminating Prodigy and Rush within seconds of each other. Gaining a psychological advantage is key. You make your opponents think you are going to win WAR the battle is already won.
War V
You know what I remember about Epic's win. That final battle with Trent Hunter. Those two men hit each other with everything they had. But Epic refused to lose. Even when Hunter hit his pet move The Full Moon. You want to win WAR you have to be willing to take everyone else in the match's best shots and continue fighting. Epic wanted it more then anyone else in that WAR, as do I.
War VI
May have been Logan's finest moment. As like as anyone likes Logan these days you have to give him credit for being the only man to win one then one WAR. He got beaten bloody by a barbed wire steel chair from Dark Prophet. He came back and eliminated Prophet and fought the rest of the match bleeding heavily. You want to win WAR you have to block out the pain and not care about your personal safety. I'll tell you this.. I can take a dozen chair shots if it means winning WAR.
War VII
Bobby Cairo almost won WAR by low blowing Skyler Striker, using the ropes to pin Lawnmover Jones and using Biohazard to help him get further in the ring. Didn't matter. Skyler Striker showed the world that sometimes dirty tricks aren't enough. Take note Stephen Singh. Talent beats treachery.
War VIII
Slickie T was the last man to enter WAR. Some would say that luck was on his side. Bullshit. He won because he pressed his advantage. Nobody else has entered last and won. Slickie's talent allowed him to survive defeating Logan to win WAR. The lesson is even if the breaks go your way it's still up to you to take advantage of them.
War IX
The next year Slickie T drew number 1 and lasted the entire match. Almost. In the final two he was unseated by Logan. Logan learned from his mistakes the previous year and this time he got the better of T. He didn't allow T to defeat him again. The lesson is, learn from your previous mistakes.
War X
Johnny Reb lasted the entire match winning from number 2. This may be my favourite WAR and this is why I want to draw number 2 myself. Reb showed it was possible to survive all of WAR in a flawless victory. That's what I want to do. That way no one has any excuse that you were the better man.
War XI
My old tag team partner Jeff Purse showed how pure vengeance can be a motivator to win WAR. His nemesis Eric Price was in the final two with him. A man who just injured him and made his life Hell. But Jeff got the last laugh. He got the ultimate revenge. Like Jeff I'm here for vengeance, I'm here for redemption. I didn't enter a WAR while I was outside of the WCF because it wouldn't have been an honest effort. This time I'm back for vengeance on anyone who ever doubted I had the ability to be a top star.
War XII
Jonny Fly is perhaps the best pure talent in WCF history. At his best he was unbeatable. So what can I learn from his WAR win? What I learned from Jonny was the absolute ruthless of his performance. He polished off two world champions NVL and Bobby Cairo. In the final two he polished off a third world champion, Eric Price by locking in the My Supremacy. He applied pressure until Price was unconscious and in need to medical attention. You want to win WAR you need to be that ruthless.
War XIII
My first WAR. But it was Bobby Cairo's night. The Godfather had finished second and third in previous WARs. Bobby learned from his losses and by this point knew what it took to win WAR. Just like I do. Bobby beat me in our first match and I learned and won the re match. Bobby had lost in previous WARS but in the end he did something a very small elite group can claim. I intend on joining that elite group.
War XIV
It was my friend Jay Omega's night. It was his only, so far, WCF world title win. But what I remember is that Wade Moor beat himself. All he had to do was remember you could pin someone outside the ring in WAR. Experience counts. For this WAR I have the advantage of being one of the most experienced men in the WAR match.
War XV
50 men entered War XV. Joey Flash won, but the thing to remember is. Joey Flash and the Beach Krew rejects became Pantheon afterwards. That was planned for months. That's how you return to the WCF. You make history. He returned and had the keys to the kingdom. The lesson is if you return for WAR plan something special. Wait and see what I've got planned. By the way if any of those guys show up I’m still upset at them for ruining Pantheon’s good name so that would just be an added bonus getting my hands on them.
War XVI
Everyone thought when it came down to the final 2 that Gravedigger was going to win. Except for SJW. He gave the legend no respect and won WAR. Every year legends return from WAR. That makes me overjoyed. Because every legend I beat is going to make my win that much more impressive. SJW's win wouldn't have meant as much if he didn't beat Gravedigger to do it. I can't wait. to see which legends I get to dispatch.
Joe Warner gives the signal.. his group has surrounded Alex on all sides. With about 40 guys it appears our hero is doomed.
JWJ: Any last words?
Alex Richards: I told you you should have brought guns. The men behind you.. they brought guns.
JWJ: I’m not falling for that bullshit!
CLICK!
The racist gang spins around and sees their worst nightmare. An army of minorities, the same kind of people they likely victimized for years all holding guns.. pointed at them.
JWJ: Alright.. you made your point. Call em off and we’ll leave you alone..
Alex Richards: Aren’t you gonna beg..
JWJ: We don’t bow down to any..
Joe thinks better of finishing the statement. Apparently he’s not completely stupid. Alex meanwhile grabs his ever present doctor’s bag and pulls out a mirror.
Alex Richards: Here.. take a look.
Joe looks and recoils..
JWJ: You.. you... turned me black.
Alex Richards: No.. I turned all of you black.
The militia looks around and Alex’s words are turn.. they have all turned black. The group flees in sheer terror.. not even noticing they literally walk through the group with guns trained on them.
Alex Richards: Not bad, eh Zach? I just defeated 40 plus men without laying a hand on them simply by thinking outside the box.
SZR: You got lucky they didn’t notice your backup wasn’t real.. when they walked through them!
Alex Richards: Never a doubt Zach. All I had to do was use their own fears and personal weaknesses against them. I am the master of illusions after all. I could have just made myself invisible and left but what’s the fun of that? You know what makes a man tick you know what to takes it destroy them.
Alex grins and looks around... then starts to serve himself from the now empty buffer.
Alex Richards: Those guys thought they were ready for a battle.. they had the numbers on their side, they had brute force on their side. But they forget the most important thing about going to WAR. The mental side is just as important as the psychical. Nobody is as creative as me. Just wait until they get a load of what I'm bringing to WAR.
George Santayana
Alex Richards: Memories like goldfish. Why is it most of the WCF roster seems to have memories like goldfish? I mean they must.. what other explanation can there be for my opponents since I've come back not knowing who I am? People should know who am I.. because I'm the man who's going to win WAR this year. So today I'm going to give everyone a history lesson. I was the Hardcore Champion, But I didn't win it by losing like Steven Singh did.. I won it by winning a 5 way match pinning former world champion Jeff Purse and also including former world champions Logan and Oblivion. Speaking of Oblivion, I held and defended the tag team champions with him. I was a two time champion of the people! I made the Internet Championship a title no one wanted to ever try to get away from me. Not only that but I won it from future hall of famer Dune. In short... I'm a fucking badass with a resume to brag about. So yeah when people don't remember me it makes me upset. Because I earned that respect. And I'll be damned if I let people forget about how good I am! You know something else that eats away at me? I defeated two world champions Bobby Cairo and Odin Balfore during their title reigns in one on one matches and I never heard so much as a whisper about me receiving a title shot. That's why I have to win War... because I can't rely on management doing what's right. I'm the Rodney Dangerfield of the WCF. Fuck that! I'm taking my respect.. along with the title shot I deserve at One! I told everyone I was going to defeat Odin Balfore then go on to win War and go on to beat the champion again at One. Thirty seconds.. I beat the world champion in thirty seconds! Fuck.. I hope I draw number 2 for War. About 40 people entering.. I should be able to wrap the whole thing up in about half an hour! I just beat the best the WCF has to offer in under a minute.. you had better believe I'm taking out the rest of the roster at War.
SZR: Are you sure this is the place?
Shaun Zach, Alex's half brother and cameraman looks around the restaurant.. which has bright green walls as well as fruits and vegetables painted all over them.
Alex Richards: You don't like the puny name? The Lettuce Eat is kinda cheesy.
SZR: No.. that's not it. But.. you brought us to a Vegan restaurant?
Alex Richards: I'll have you know this is the only Vegan buffet in America. The Archduke can find a buffet everywhere he goes Zach. It's one of my hidden talents.
SZR: But you? Health food?
Alex Richards: It's War time Zach. What better way to prepare for War then by getting myself into the meanest mood possible. So until War.. no fried Chinese buffet, no weed, and only one boot of Zim-Quila a day. If you think I'm gonna be hell for me just wait and see what I do to my opponents.
SZR: I'm not even sure you know how to eat a salad..
Alex Richards: Well I'm about to prove you wrong Zach!
Alex doesn't get a chance to prove Shaun wrong though as a loud chant of WHITE IS RIGHT is suddenly heard getting louder and louder. The assorted hipsters and sjws who are regulars in the restaurant look aghast by this language.
SZR: Oh no.. this can't be good.
The members of the cult Alex encountered a few weeks back burst into the restaurant. The entire cult, about 40 people total barge into the buffet. Their leader Joe Warner Junior snarls at Alex.
JWJ: You're gonna regret ruining our mission nigger lover!
Alex Richards: I regret it already. I should have brought hot dogs when I was burning down your building.
JWJ: You're gonna regret saying that too nigger lover!
Alex Richards: Is that the only insult you have?
JWJ: That's the only one I need ni..
Alex Richards: That's enough of that.
JWJ: You don't get to tell us shit! I got all my boys here and we telling you that this is gonna be different this time.. you ain't got your bitch here to help you.. we gonna kill you boy!
The vegans in the restaurant have fled. Shaun Zach looks terrified. But Alex remains calm, a slight smile on his face.
Alex Richards: So.. you want a war do you?
Probably only a few moments of real time passed. But while the Mexican stand off took place this is what was going through Alex's head..
You know what the mistake these guys made? Before you go to WAR you have to know your enemies. You have to know who's truly a threat. You know how many people go into WAR unprepared? How many people have already beaten themselves before the match even starts? It's a shocking number. Not always people you think too. But if you realize it then you can focus in on the real threats instead.
I would trash talk James Wolf but why bother? He's never going to make it to the ring for WAR anyways. On his way to the ring a fan will tell Wolf that he sucks and James will bail on the match in order to call his lawyer and sue the fan for slander claiming that everyone knows James Wolfe doesn't suck because he never does anything that gives anyone else pleasure. Which is actually the best lawsuit you've ever come up with and I came up with it for you. I'm a better James Wolf then real James Wolf. Kind of sad really. I would also say that he has a better chance of scoring with his sister then winning WAR but really why bother? A man who gets a lawyer to fight his battles for him is no warrior. Someone like that has zero chance of winning WAR even if he wasn't the first man in.
I love Buff Mustatche... dude is hilarious. I still say he got totally screwed in that first match against James Wolf because the ref didn't know the rules. But let's be real.. I know he's literally just in this match in an attempt to score with a ring rat underneath the ring. Mama probably wants to seduce drunken Jayson Price. But the fact is.. they don't really want to win. Buff is most likely to get eliminated on a roll up while he's trying to get either Mama or Noble Savage to flash him.
Fourgasm will probably turn on each other when they realize they don’t have any other bad ideas to go with. First they teamed up, then they split up.. then they teamed up again in a clown cult.. then they turn on the leader of the cult and become raging sluts. I’m the Archduke of Mass Confusion and I can’t even follow their logic. Which means there is no logic. Flying by the seat of your pants is not the way to win War Kylie and Lili.
Very Big Spaniards.. or something.. I hope I get the chance to beat them myself. As a big guy who’s actually an athlete those fat loads are making me look bad! Those guys are out of breathe eating a cheeseburger. They clearly don’t have the stamina to win WAR. The second WAR I competed in.. I entered at number 6 and lasted until the 50th competitor entered the ring so it's not like I'm talking out my ass. William is not as good as me as internet champion and he's not even close to me when it comes to WAR.
If this was a few years ago Night Rider would be a very serious threat. These days he’s still dangerous. Anybody who can beat Dune is a great wrestler. I should know I did it twice. But he seems to be going through an identity crisis. Night Rider is a family guy. So he’s obviously more focussed on finding his son then his wrestling career. Understandable. Also he’s been talking about forming or joining a new stable. Night Rider doesn’t seem to know what to do right now. That is not the state of mind to win WAR.
Jayson Price.. most likely to be removed by security from WAR after puking in the ring. I’ll totally drink with him to celebrate my win afterwards though. Shit, I’ll even buy.
Then we get into the real threats.
Teo Del Sol has a record in WAR.. he’s the best wrestler in WCF history to never eliminate anyone in WAR. He may also be the nicest guy in WCF history. Those two facts are no coincidence. Teo has had a lot of success in the WCF but he hasn’t even won one of the big titles. Teo lacks that killer instinct to win WAR. I mean don’t get me wrong I like Teo but it’s true. Deep down even Teo knows it.. that’s the real reason behind Teddy Blaze Teo knew he needed to make a change in order to reach the next level. But when it came down to it.. he just couldn’t. In a way I have a lot of respect for Teo.. he’s true to himself even if that results in his own downfall. Teo won’t win WAR but Teo will remain one of the best guys in the WCF locker room. For him that might be worth just as much. But for me.. fuck I want to win.. that’s why in WAR Teo is not a main threat to me.
Sammy Not Dune.. you would think he would be ever bit as successful as Dune wouldn’t ya? I mean Dune is built to destroy people and so is McPherson. But there’s a difference.. he wasn’t blessed with Dune’s brains. Any of Dune’s brains. I mean look at what he’s done all month long. He stole the tag team title belt from his partner Eccentrix.. proclaiming Lord Raab as his real tag partner.. and he wasn’t even fucking smart enough to challenge Eccentrix to a tag team match for the rights to the belts! I mean c’mon.. that’s an easy solution and neither Raab or Sammy were smart enough to think of it! Even dumber.. Raab didn’t even enter WAR! Umm.. you guys are a tag team you don’t think you could have used the back up in a 40 man match? I know Samuel’s response to that is.. gonna be I don’t need the help to win. Bullshit.. two men doubles your chances of winning.. everyone knows that. Sorry Sammy.. you’re too stupid to win WAR and you can’t fix stupid you can only remove it from the gene pool. Maybe Raab and you can neuter each other after you’re eliminated from WAR.. it won’t take long.
Then there’s Roy Speede, the Action Wrestling World Champion. I’m glad he’s in this match because I personally want to send him back to WAR zero for three in huge opportunities. He lost Alt Showdown, he lost the hardcore title match, now he’s going to lose WAR. He’s not winning WAR and getting MY title shot. Nope.. I’m sending him back to that inferior company with the second rate world title. Last year three UCI champions finished in the top ten of WAR. UCI was a real company... the company I was world champion in. I’m looking forward to making Action look like a joke by sending their champion out as quickly as possible. Don’t worry though you still got that consolation second rate world title as a prize. I’ll have the real belt at One.
One of the dark horses for WAR is the guy who blew his own surprise entry.. Luke Force. Last year Luke Force announced his intentions to win WAR by writing a rap song. This makes him a real threat. Not just because his rap physically damaged you when you heard it. Seriously he makes Post Malone sound like Kayne West. But what makes him a threat is the fact that he did something no one else did to prepare for WAR. Unpredictability is going to be one of my main strengths going into WAR. This man might be as creative as I am. Fortunately for me he's lacking in other areas. Last year he won the Alpha Champion, he finished just outside of the top ten in WAR. But then he proved his mental toughness.. or lack thereof. After coming up with what he thought was a masterstroke to win WAR.. when he failed everything went to hell for him. He won perhaps two matches after WAR. He was dominated in a feud by Very British Security. He couldn't win the world title from John Rabid in spite of SJW's attempts at helping him. Some people just can't deal with losses and it appears Luke Force is one of those people. He'll remember exactly what happened to him at last year's WAR where Leon Hayze defeated him then took his title weeks later. He couldn't learn from his losses then so they just continued to pile up. Things haven't changed. No unique approach from Luke is going to change his luck.
Which brings us to the biggest threats in this match. People looking for a dark horse pick are choosing Noble Savage. They chose wrong. On the surface she seems like a good bet. She’s only been defeated once since entering the WCF. Since my return to the WCF I’ve been undefeated but I digress. On paper she has wins over Odin Balfore and Bonnie Blue. Thing is.. I also have wins over Bonnie and Odin. There’s a difference though. My wins are real wins. I defeated Bonnie Blue in the UCI in a one on one match in the Watch The Throne tournament, which I won. On my own merit. Noble got lucky enough to pick up a DQ win over Bonnie. Never came close to actually defeating her. She only beat Odin Balfore by hitting him with a wretch. I beat Balfore with one move.. the Zim-Quila Hangover.. because he showed the poor judgment in turning his back on me. It took me one move to beat the world champion. I would claim to be the real dark horse pick but I don’t honestly don’t care if anyone thinks I’m going to win. I know I’m going to win. But Noble Savage can’t say the same. I’ve heard rumours that she has a split personality. I don’t know if that’s actually true. It seems more like she has a crisis of confidence. She doesn’t cheat because voices tell her to.. she cheats because deep down a part of her believes she is not good enough. How do I know this? She tipped her hand last week. When she ranted at Hank Brown over why she wasn’t receiving a world title shot after she beat Odin. She could have come out and challenged Odin herself.. she didn’t. To me.. that means she’s scared. She’s already making excuses then she shouldn’t be in WAR because she knows she isn’t going to win. There aren’t enough wrenches to hit everyone with one after all.
Stephen Singh wants everyone to believe he’s the favourite. That’s why he was everywhere, attacking everyone last week. I don’t see it like that. I see that as desperation. Stephen is a two time world champion.. I’ve never won a world title in the WCF. So how do I get off calling him desperate? Simple, since I’ve returned everything has gone exactly as I planned. Every week I win a little more impressively. I’m peaking leading up to WAR. Stephen Singh on the other hand.. things haven’t been the same for him since he lost the world title to Odin. He even helped Adam Young win the world title so he could have an auto win to get the championship back. Didn’t work. He formed the Church of Singh. All of it’s members entered the Ultimate Showdown. In the end Mikey Extreme and Stephen teamed up to eliminate world champion Dune. But then things feel apart for Stephen. Mikey realized he didn’t need Singh... and kicked his ass winning the world title. The church of Singh fell quickly Mikey lost the world title, Kid Dynamo lost the tv title and the tag team titles. They deserted Stephen when they realized he couldn’t help their careers anymore. But see.. Stephen never realized his partners weren’t real team-mates... not like I have in the Guardians. It’s all about what they can do for you. Singh was always known as Thievin’ Steven for good reason because he can’t do things on his own.. he needs to cheat because he’s not good enough. So now he’s using smoke and mirrors in hopes no one else realizes that. Sorry Singh.. I see you for what you are. If I think the way I pinned you in Helimination was an insult.. wait until you see what I do to you at WAR. But hey all is not lost.. maybe you and Savage can form a team after your failed bids at winning WAR. You seem to have a lot in common.
Then there’s the real biggest threat.. Kurt Narravo. Some people are going to overlook him. Those people are going to be going back to the locker room early. Night Rider said he thought Kurt was Crow and John Rabid. He isn’t.. obviously.. but talent wise.. he is. He has the ability to be a world champion just like Rabid. People look at him though and they see a private detective turned wrestler. I know better.. that’s what he wants you to see. I see the man who beat Night Rider two weeks in a row. I see the man who Odin Balfore willing hung out with outside of the ring. That means something.. Odin don’t associate with losers. I have one advantage against him and I’m going to exploit it. I’ve been in WAR before.. I know what WAR is all about. Until you competed in a WAR you just don’t know. Now if this was next year’s WAR I would be incredibly worried. This year though, I’m going to press my advantage, use my experience and eek out a win over someone who’s going to be a future great. Kurt’s time is soon but my time is now.
The dirty secret that people don't realize. Everyone beats themselves sometimes. But everyone going into WAR isn't going to think of that. They aren't going to think about how they lost in the past. So they aren't gonna be able to prevent the same thing from happening in the future. Now I'm not claiming to be innocent of that myself. This is my third WAR match. The first WAR match I competed in my focus was on helping the stable I was a member of, The Pack, make a statement. We did. We stuck together and did a lot of damage. But then Chelsea Armstrong, the leader of the Pack went down, and the dominos started to fall one after another. Chelsea finishing 9th, myself 8th and Jay Omega 7th. We were happy that we made our statement that we were a force to be reckoned with. By the next year we were all members of the elite of the elite in the WCF, Pantheon. My fatal flaw? When things started to go badly for us I didn't have the experience to turn things back around in my favour. Jay and myself both had the skills to win that WAR but not the experience. A lesson Kurt Narravo is going to learn this year. The following year at War XIV I didn't fare as well. Just before the match the world title was put on the line after Joey Flash wussed out.. I mean got injured. I knew what number I had.. number 5. I knew the odds were against me. I psyched myself out. Sure, I lasted a long time, almost made the top 20, but the fact is.. I didn't deserve to win. I wasn't ready to be world champion. Most people don't admit that.. they fully believe they are the gold standard and they are going to be world champion effortlessly. Those are the guys who never win WAR.. those are the guys who don't last 2 months. When you see your best friend Jay Omega win WAR, win the world title.. then you start to know you're ready. For me to have won that WAR everything would have had to go in my favour. This time I'm ready to go through any obstacle in order to achieve my goal of victory. Last time my heart sank when I drew number 5.. this time I hope to the Flying Spaghetti Monster I draw number 2. Because I don't want to have to rely on anyone but me to eliminate the big threats. That's the way a WAR winner thinks.. that's the way a world champion thinks. A contender.. they think maybe I get lucky and win. A champion.. he works to prevent everyone else from getting lucky. Sorry boys.. you won't be getting lucky at WAR.
Alex looks at the hate group.. White is Right is moving closer. Zach looks like he wants to duck under the table from cover. Alex addresses the leader.
Alex Richards: Didn’t you guys bring any guns?
JWJ: Boy, what’s the matter with you? We don’t need any guns to beat your ass. Aren’t you gonna beg for mercy?
Alex Richards: From the likes of you. Please.. I’ve been threatened by better.
JWJ: You’ll beg by the time we’re done.
Everyone thinks they are going to win WAR that's their mistake. There have been 16 WAR matches and only 14 winners. That means roughly 500 people have NOT won WAR. Corey Black never won a WAR, he won the king of the deathmatch tournament. That tells you how hard it is to win WAR. People think they can win WAR on their own merits. That's why I'm confident. I know that you can't win WAR on your own. So I studied everyone who ever won WAR and learned their secrets. That's what I'm going to bring to WAR this year.. that's my advantage.
War I
Umm this is embarrassing there's apparently no footage of War 1. Seth probably taped it over with an episode of Drunk History. But a name named Mace won. So I'm assuming bring an actual mace to the ring. Yeah that works I'll do that.
War II
Hellz Angel gets invited back to compete in WAR by someone every single year. That's how much respect winning WAR gets you. I talked about the lack of respect I get these days. Win WAR problem solved.
War III
Logan won his first WAR when Seth Lerch threw the match to him. The lesson is you have friends in high places you can do anything. Watch and see who my friends are.
War IV
Gravedigger entered WAR and immediately eliminated Hacker. He set the tone on his intentions from the instance he entered the ring. He continued that trend eliminating Prodigy and Rush within seconds of each other. Gaining a psychological advantage is key. You make your opponents think you are going to win WAR the battle is already won.
War V
You know what I remember about Epic's win. That final battle with Trent Hunter. Those two men hit each other with everything they had. But Epic refused to lose. Even when Hunter hit his pet move The Full Moon. You want to win WAR you have to be willing to take everyone else in the match's best shots and continue fighting. Epic wanted it more then anyone else in that WAR, as do I.
War VI
May have been Logan's finest moment. As like as anyone likes Logan these days you have to give him credit for being the only man to win one then one WAR. He got beaten bloody by a barbed wire steel chair from Dark Prophet. He came back and eliminated Prophet and fought the rest of the match bleeding heavily. You want to win WAR you have to block out the pain and not care about your personal safety. I'll tell you this.. I can take a dozen chair shots if it means winning WAR.
War VII
Bobby Cairo almost won WAR by low blowing Skyler Striker, using the ropes to pin Lawnmover Jones and using Biohazard to help him get further in the ring. Didn't matter. Skyler Striker showed the world that sometimes dirty tricks aren't enough. Take note Stephen Singh. Talent beats treachery.
War VIII
Slickie T was the last man to enter WAR. Some would say that luck was on his side. Bullshit. He won because he pressed his advantage. Nobody else has entered last and won. Slickie's talent allowed him to survive defeating Logan to win WAR. The lesson is even if the breaks go your way it's still up to you to take advantage of them.
War IX
The next year Slickie T drew number 1 and lasted the entire match. Almost. In the final two he was unseated by Logan. Logan learned from his mistakes the previous year and this time he got the better of T. He didn't allow T to defeat him again. The lesson is, learn from your previous mistakes.
War X
Johnny Reb lasted the entire match winning from number 2. This may be my favourite WAR and this is why I want to draw number 2 myself. Reb showed it was possible to survive all of WAR in a flawless victory. That's what I want to do. That way no one has any excuse that you were the better man.
War XI
My old tag team partner Jeff Purse showed how pure vengeance can be a motivator to win WAR. His nemesis Eric Price was in the final two with him. A man who just injured him and made his life Hell. But Jeff got the last laugh. He got the ultimate revenge. Like Jeff I'm here for vengeance, I'm here for redemption. I didn't enter a WAR while I was outside of the WCF because it wouldn't have been an honest effort. This time I'm back for vengeance on anyone who ever doubted I had the ability to be a top star.
War XII
Jonny Fly is perhaps the best pure talent in WCF history. At his best he was unbeatable. So what can I learn from his WAR win? What I learned from Jonny was the absolute ruthless of his performance. He polished off two world champions NVL and Bobby Cairo. In the final two he polished off a third world champion, Eric Price by locking in the My Supremacy. He applied pressure until Price was unconscious and in need to medical attention. You want to win WAR you need to be that ruthless.
War XIII
My first WAR. But it was Bobby Cairo's night. The Godfather had finished second and third in previous WARs. Bobby learned from his losses and by this point knew what it took to win WAR. Just like I do. Bobby beat me in our first match and I learned and won the re match. Bobby had lost in previous WARS but in the end he did something a very small elite group can claim. I intend on joining that elite group.
War XIV
It was my friend Jay Omega's night. It was his only, so far, WCF world title win. But what I remember is that Wade Moor beat himself. All he had to do was remember you could pin someone outside the ring in WAR. Experience counts. For this WAR I have the advantage of being one of the most experienced men in the WAR match.
War XV
50 men entered War XV. Joey Flash won, but the thing to remember is. Joey Flash and the Beach Krew rejects became Pantheon afterwards. That was planned for months. That's how you return to the WCF. You make history. He returned and had the keys to the kingdom. The lesson is if you return for WAR plan something special. Wait and see what I've got planned. By the way if any of those guys show up I’m still upset at them for ruining Pantheon’s good name so that would just be an added bonus getting my hands on them.
War XVI
Everyone thought when it came down to the final 2 that Gravedigger was going to win. Except for SJW. He gave the legend no respect and won WAR. Every year legends return from WAR. That makes me overjoyed. Because every legend I beat is going to make my win that much more impressive. SJW's win wouldn't have meant as much if he didn't beat Gravedigger to do it. I can't wait. to see which legends I get to dispatch.
Joe Warner gives the signal.. his group has surrounded Alex on all sides. With about 40 guys it appears our hero is doomed.
JWJ: Any last words?
Alex Richards: I told you you should have brought guns. The men behind you.. they brought guns.
JWJ: I’m not falling for that bullshit!
CLICK!
The racist gang spins around and sees their worst nightmare. An army of minorities, the same kind of people they likely victimized for years all holding guns.. pointed at them.
JWJ: Alright.. you made your point. Call em off and we’ll leave you alone..
Alex Richards: Aren’t you gonna beg..
JWJ: We don’t bow down to any..
Joe thinks better of finishing the statement. Apparently he’s not completely stupid. Alex meanwhile grabs his ever present doctor’s bag and pulls out a mirror.
Alex Richards: Here.. take a look.
Joe looks and recoils..
JWJ: You.. you... turned me black.
Alex Richards: No.. I turned all of you black.
The militia looks around and Alex’s words are turn.. they have all turned black. The group flees in sheer terror.. not even noticing they literally walk through the group with guns trained on them.
Alex Richards: Not bad, eh Zach? I just defeated 40 plus men without laying a hand on them simply by thinking outside the box.
SZR: You got lucky they didn’t notice your backup wasn’t real.. when they walked through them!
Alex Richards: Never a doubt Zach. All I had to do was use their own fears and personal weaknesses against them. I am the master of illusions after all. I could have just made myself invisible and left but what’s the fun of that? You know what makes a man tick you know what to takes it destroy them.
Alex grins and looks around... then starts to serve himself from the now empty buffer.
Alex Richards: Those guys thought they were ready for a battle.. they had the numbers on their side, they had brute force on their side. But they forget the most important thing about going to WAR. The mental side is just as important as the psychical. Nobody is as creative as me. Just wait until they get a load of what I'm bringing to WAR.
