THE TRIAL OF MY LIFE!!!

[Buff Mustache]

From Mama Stache's War RP

Conrad Blobson: Then Buff, your only conscious son, was arrested for aggravating sexual assault.

What... you didn't know about this... allow us to enlighten you about the proceedings

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Long Island 3rd District Court: Suffolk County Branch 1

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Unnamed Masked Female Victim
Plaintiff

Vs

Bufftholemew P. Mustache
Defendant



Trial Day 1

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Date: September 18, 2018
Before:
Hon. Patrick L Willis
- Circuit Court Judge


Appearances:

Unnamed Female Victim
Plaintiff



Eddie Pappetti
Special Prosecutor
On behalf of Unnamed Masked Female



Bufftholemew P. Mustache
Defendant (dressed as shown below)



Johnny Cockman

Attorney at Law

On Behalf of the Defendant




Transcript of Proceedings
Reported by 
Official Court Recorder

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The Court: At this time the Court calls Unnamed Female Victim vs Bufftholemew P Mustache, hereby called Case 069 to order. Will the parties state their appearances for the record?

Attorney Pappetti: Hello Judge, My name is Eddie Pappetti, former Proprietor of DVDWorldOnline.com and fledgling movie and TV Director as well as famed author of the Rape of America's youth on the college system in America, and theater producer here on the behalf of my client who wishes to remain nameless in this open court session.

Attorney Cockman: Hello Judge, My name is Johnny Cockman and I am here on the behalf of the wrongly accused Bufftholemew Mustache, put ya god damn pants back on, son.

The Court: All right. We’re here this morning in front of a Jury of your peers to discuss the case of Aggravating Sexual Assault on the Unnamed Masked Female Victim hereby to be referred to as The Plaintiff. Gentlemen, opening statements please.

Attorney Pappetti: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, Judge, I am not a handsome man. I have never been accused of a crime such as this before, but I tell you one thing. It is an unwanted advance from a strong and muscular mustachioed man that makes the women of this world tremble in fear when they are simply walking down the street, just as my client was that lazy Sunday afternoon when the defendant showed up wearing a trench coat. He said no words, he simply pointed down towards his nether regions before opening up the trench coat to reveal a condom covered penis. The Condom is exhibit A.

My client did not feel overtly threatened… merely aggravated at the assault hence the proceedings today. I intend by the end of this trial to prove not only DID the defendant INDEED expose himself to my client but also that the defendant is indeed absurdly aggravating as well. Thank you.

The Court: Very well. Defendant?

Attorney Cockman: Ladies and Gentlemen it is ludicrous to believe such a claim about such an upstanding and honorable citizen such as Buff Mustache. This man is entertaining, charitable and a loving member of a family who all came here today to support their family.

Disorderly Woman Spectator (DW): I came before I got here!

Attorney Cockman: My client is a professional athlete which puts him in a higher risk of being wrongly accused of simple misdemeanors, yet alone being extorted for his massive fortune.

Disorderly Man Spectator (DM): That’s not the only thing massive, brother!

Attorney Cockman: Buff Mustache did not expose himself to this woman on the date in question and I will prove within a shadow of a doubt that this case needs to be dismissed and an apology will have to be issued to my client for his pain and suffering during this trying time.

The Court: Very well again. Now introducing the Judge the Honorable Judge Willis.

Judge: I have read the statements and seen the evidence from both sides. My Judgement has not been made and a jury of your peers have been requested in an effort to help make the case more clear. As I understand it each of you only have one witness each and that is of your clients so may I suggest that the Defendant start off and then cross examined and then places reversed.

Attorney Cockman: Yes, Your honor.

Attorney Pappetti: Yes, your honor.

Judge: It’s settled, Mr. Cockman, your first witness.

Attorney Cockman: Ladies and gentleman I want to introduce to you the ever loving, energetic, kind and caring individual that I have the distinct honor and privilege to be representing this afternoon, Bufftholemew Mustache.

Judge: Bufftholemew, if you would please make your way to the stand.

Bufftholemew Mustache (BM): Yes you’re on her.

DM: You know he is, brother.

Judge: I’m going to have to ask for quiet from the peanut gallery, thank you.

DW: Don’t you dare talk about my husband like that you piece of crap! I’ll slap my pussy across your face like I did to you back in 1998 when you were still an accident chasing liability lawyer munching your way through your law school tuition.

Judge: Ursula Nabrow, is that you?

DW: Yea it is, and don’t think I don’t remember the promise you made me while I was sucking your dick about always having my backside on your mind.

Judge: Ms. Nabrow, I’m going to have to ask you to leave if you don’t stop.

DW: It’s MRS. MUSTACHE now and that’s my son up there. I have every right to be here you carpet munchin’ faggot!

Judge: Please, if I have to ask you one more time I’m going to have you escorted out of here.

BM: Mama, please stop. I’m scared, I need you here.

DW: I understand you’re on her.

Judge: Well now that THAT’S settled, Mr. Cockman, your witness.

Attorney Cockman: Yes. Mr. Mustache. You mind if I call you Buff.

BM: No, that’s fine.

Attorney Cockman: Buff, why don’t you start off by telling me a little bit about yourself?

Attorney Pappetti: OBJECTION your honor. How is this relevant?

Attorney Cockman: I’m trying to lay a base of human decency for the man before you lay claim to horrendous actions during your cross examination.

Judge: Objection denied. Carry on.

Attorney Cockman: Go ahead, Buff.

BM: Well I’m 38 years old and still trying to find my way through this crazy world. I find myself most comfortable in the ring performing in front of my adoring fans. I’ve been embraced by the Double D C F Galaxy and they make me feel like I can truly shine being who I am instead of hiding my true self.

Attorney Cockman: And what is your true self.

BM: Well I’m a polysexual White Male in an increasingly aggressive and normalized society. That’s what you told me to say, right?

Attorney Cockman: You tell me just what you want to say son. Clearly you’re distressed and stressed out. Can you explain where some of this stress is coming from?

BM: Well just this weekend, given that I get out of this court room a free man, I’ll be competing in my wrestling companies massive Battle Royal called War. And as you all know, War is hell. Even my Mama decided to join it knowing how any ally you can have on your side will make our chances just that much stronger.

DW: And I’ll throw your ass out that ring if it means I’ll win!

BM: She will, because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter who you’re there with, all that matters is winning because whoever wins will earn a shot at the Double D C F World Championship at One. You’re going to see teams like the Dark Carnival teaming up with each other but a situation is going to arise when they will have to face off AGAINST each other and THAT’s when things get interesting. But aside from them and the Evil family there isn’t too much collaboration going on. Well, also Bonnie Blue and Alex Richards. But they’re a different story.

Attorney Cockman: How so?

BM: Well Alex Richards and I actually get along. He and I have a similar sense of humor. And Bonnie, well… Bonnie and I have been seeing each other unexclusively for a few months now.

Attorney Cockman: Are you saying that you’re dating someone currently?

BM: Yes, Bonnie and I have had sex.

Attorney Cockman: I introduce Exhibit B to the jury.



Attorney Cockman: There it is, irrefutable, irreplaceable, inconclusive evidence, HERE in a court of law, that Buff Mustache DID in fact have sex with Bonnie Blue and they are engaging in a polyamorous relationship.

DM: Case closed, brother. I’m going to start a slow clap…

Attorney Cockman: One case closed, but another one revisited, Mr. Mustache. Because you see what this has just proved was that Buff here was engaged in a relationship with Bonnie Blue and is less likely to be seen committing the heinous acts described by Unnamed Female Victim over here. But WAIT, that’s not all. Please, Buff. Carry on and tell us about this “War” match that you will be competing in.

BM: Well in this match nearly everyone that is in the Double D C F is going to be competing in this match. As well as some retired folks too. The fact is that it’s nearly impossible to prepare for all of the outcomes because next thing you know out cums people like Steve Orbit, or Joey Flash or the greatest champion that the federation has ever known Logan. But that’s not even the worst part, because the worst part might be the people that we DO know are in the match. People bring it to another level for this match. I’ve seen people with no business succeeding, like Gemini Battle, last longer than anyone else in the match and break elimination records while studs like Teo Del Sol has not even chalked up an elimination in his years entering this match.

The type of person that wins these matches aren’t always the best, but they’re the most dangerous, and then I’m expected to enter this match and turn on this dangerous side that I don’t have…

Attorney Cockman: Dangerous side that you don’t have, you say. So what you’re saying is that this man, Bufftholemew P Mustache, is not a dangerous man. Certainly not the type of man who would expose his condom covered penis to an unexpecting unnamed female victim.

BM: It’s a side of me that I don’t have but a side of me that I’m going to have to find for this match. It’s a side of me that I’ve seen wrestlers like Jackus Crack bring out of some of the greats like Handy Boreton, and Triple A, and Edging. And I’ve been working with Jackus and he’s shown me that even I can show a dangerous side…

It’s a side of me that not only do I have but I can embrace it. I can sit here and talk about each and every wrestler in the WAR match and how their actions affect what I’m doing. I can talk about how I defeated James Wolf not once but twice and he still doesn’t give me the respect that I deserve. But rather than talk about it I let it simmer deep down inside of me like a ravenous animal ready to pounce. And I only let that animal pounce when I step between the four ringed walls of the squared circle.

Attorney Cockman: You ONLY let than animal pounce within the four ringed walls of the squared circle. Certainly not in front of a park where children play and innocent unnamed female victims walk idly by.

BM: I’m not going to lie, I’m scared. This match is stressing me out more than any other match in my life. And the worst part of it is not having my brother by my side to talk about this match…

Attorney Cockman: Would you like to explain what happened to your brother?

BM: Well he was fighting in a match for the 6 Erection wrestling company and had a match against Caleb Bonin and during it he had to climb a ladder and grab a cell phone which he used to take a picture of his penis.

Attorney Cockman: Just to be clear, it was your brother who did this, not you.

BM: Yes.

Attorney Cockman: And your brother is where currently?

BM: He’s in a medical facility hosted by the 6 Erection wrestling company.

Attorney Cockman: So it couldn’t have been him that exposed himself to this woman.

BM: No, but he would if he had a chance. He always loved exposing himself to men and women alike. Our penises aren’t a shameful thing like other people treat their bodies. The Mustache family treats their bodies like temples. We respect our bodies and we only put the freshest vegetables, hardest penises, juiciest vaginas, and least detectable stereo olds in them. People have a gross misconception of us. They look at me and my family and they call us perverted and they call incestualize us as an insult. But we are proud of how close we are, and we would never do anything to hurt one another.

We are hard for each other and on each other but at the end of the day when thrust comes to shove we remain moist for one another like no one else could. We will always look out for family because there is nothing more important than family. So whenever anyone says anything that they think is hurtful to us we bring it back and show them that we are stronger than that and words won’t hurt us as much as dildos in our asses do.

Attorney Cockman: Do you have hurtful things said to you often.

BM: Nearly exclusively. There isn’t a single person in the Double D C F that respects me as a competitor. They all see me as a push over. They see me as a man that they can defeat with ease. I’m not perfect, I’m not undefeated. There’s not a single person in the Double D C F that I consider myself better than. But let me tell you something Cock Man. There’s not a single person in the Double D C F that I’m worse than either. There are going to be about 40 men and women in this match coming up, and god willing, if I’m able to join the festivities, I’m going to go in there and show each and every one of them what I’m packing.

Attorney Pappetti: AHA!

Attorney Cockman: In the ring you mean.

BM: Of course.

Attorney Pappetti: Damn!

Attorney Cockman: Ladies and gentleman, Judge Willis, as you can see Buff Mustache is a lot of things. But a sexual predator is not one of them. Sure, he like most men seeks sex form the opposite sex but his clear relationship with Bonnie Blue and his ability to compartmentalize his in ring life aside from his personal life proves that this isn’t the type of man that would commit the act that unnamed female victim claims that he made. For now, I am finished with my line of questioning.

Judge: Very well. Mr. Pappetti, if you would like to take your turn with the defendant.

Attorney Pappetti: Mr. Mustache, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME!?!? I stand here in front of an innocent unnamed masked female victim who claims that YOU exposed your condom covered penis to her in a dark alley in front of a park just 2 weeks ago. Can you please give me an alibi of where you might have been on the day of August 17th?

BM: Well on that day I was visiting my coma brother Biff in the 6 Erection Medical facility. That’s when Sylvia Evergreen came and then I came if you know what I mean. Well actually, we had sex but my brother ended up climaxing inside of her. But he has a problem with cumming so he just peed inside of her. But still for him that’s sex so I gave him a high five.

Attorney Pappetti: Had sex with a woman while in a coma?

BM: It’s called a comarection, it’s a real thing and can only be cured by comasex which I’m proud to say that Sylvia and Biff have on a daily basis now. Is that on record?

Judge: Can you read that back?

Stenographer: Bufftholemew Mustache- It’s called a comarection, it’s a real thing and can only be cured by comasex which I’m proud to say that Sylvia and Biff have on a daily basis now. Is that on record? Judge- Can you read that back.

Attorney Pappetti: That seems quite implausible. As does the claim that your mother quote “Had sex with all of the Denver Broncos in 1998 and I ain’t talking about the football team.”

BM: My family and I have lived incredible lives. We wouldn’t change any of it. I wouldn’t change this moment right now no matter how much I hate it its part of my story, and I wouldn’t even change the fact that my brother Beef passed away just a few months ago.

Attorney Pappetti: Ah yes, let’s talk about your brother Beef. Beef Mustache, incarcerated for sending a picture of his penis to a 12 year old girl.

BM: To be fair he thought she was 15.

Attorney Pappetti: That’s still underage! Your family has a history of sexually predatory behaviors. Why am I to assume that you are any different?

BM: Mama says that when you assume you put your ass on you and me.

DW: ATTA BOY!

BM: I don’t assume anything about anyone other than the best. That’s another reason why I feel that I’m prepared for this WAR match. Each and every person that I’ll be stepping into the ring with I assume is just as ready as I am. Because of this I treat each and every one of them with the same respect that I treat myself. I will treat them all as a threat because at the end of the day it’s not just me I’m fighting for, it’s my whole family.

I’m tired of being made out to be a joke. I’m tired of the sideways glances I get from nearly everyone in the locker room every day. They see me and think that the only reason I’m here is because my father is Roid Rogers, the greatest wrestler in the history of wrestling. And that is true. My name is why I’m here, but my skill is why I’m staying.

I want to be considered elite, like former Champion Michael Sex, and Porno Champion Poon. I want people to see me like the Hardcore Sex Champion Steven Schwing. They are elite and I know that I’m Elite. I have not done enough yet to deserve that distinction and I know that, but I plan on changing that this week at WAR.

I want to leave this court a free man. I want to step into the ring with all of those people who think that they’re better than me because they don’t masturbate in public, or talk about their penises and sex all the time. Fact is I’m just saying what everyone is thinking. I’m just doing what everyone else wishes they could do, I’m just the only one with the courage to do it!

Attorney Pappetti: Masturbating in public. Are you saying that you are capable of exposing your condom covered penis in public?

BM: Of course not, if my Mama taught me anything it’s that rubber chafes a vagina and should never be put on or inside of you. We swore off contraceptives the minute I was born.

DW: I said it chafes my fawkin’ pussy, not a vagina you faggot!

BM: Sorry Mama, can we strike that from the record?

Judge: No.

BM: Well I just want her to be quoted correctly.

Judge: Ugh, please read that back.

Stenographer: Attorney Pappetti- Masturbating in public. Are you saying that you are capable of exposing your condom covered penis in public? Bufftholemew Mustache: Of course not, if my Mama taught me anything it’s that rubber chafes a vagina and should never be put on or inside of you. We swore off contraceptives the minute I was born. Disorderly Woman Spectator: I said it chafes my fawkin’ pussy, not a vagina you faggot!

Judge: That’s enough; I think it was properly accounted for. Please continue your line of questioning.

Attorney Pappetti: So this WAR match… how does this affect your psyche?

BM: I’m so horny for War it’s ridiculous. I’ve felt this way before about many things, but I don’t think I’ve ever been this horny for a wrestling match in my life.

Attorney Pappetti: Do you mean excited?

BM: What did I say… read that back.

Stenographer: Buff Mustache: I’m so horny for war it’s ridiculous, I’ve felt…

Judge: PLEASE STOP! I think the stenographer is doing a fine job.

BM: Well I just wanted to make sure that the words that I’m saying around cumming out right. I very carefully choose the words that I say just like I very carefully choose everything that I do inside of that ring. I’ve been wrestling my whole life, since I first popped out of my mom’s vagina I was wrestling that umbilical cord and gave it a bear hug until it pooped off my belly button.

DW: That neva happened!

BM: Strike that from the record.

Judge: Leave it in!

Attorney Pappetti: That’s all I have for this degenerate. I think I’ve said enough.

Judge: Very well, Bufftholemew, please have a seat… where did your pants go.

Court Officer: Here they are sir.

BM: Thanks. It got hot back there. I had to masturbate a few times while under oath, that’s a first. Honest Masturbation. And in all honesty I was thinking of Bonnie Blue, and the time that we did it.

Judge: Please grab a towel and we’ll resume in 5.

(Returns from break)

Judge: Attorney Pappetti, please call your witness.

Attorney Pappetti: For anonymities sake I’m calling Unnamed Masked Female Victim to the stand.

Unnamed Masked Female Victim (UF): Thank you Mr. Pappetti. And thank you judge for having the time to listen to me.

Attorney Pappetti: Can you please explain to the court why you are wishing to remain anonymous.

UF: I’m a female member of the WCF and I fear for the safety of my job in this patriarchal monarchy that is professional wrestling.

Attorney Pappetti: Of course, now, in your own words. Please tell me what you saw on the night of August 17th, 2018. Please take your time.

UF: Well I was walking past Bayberry Park in the alley behind the Dunkin Donuts on 5th Avenue and Main Street. I was on my phone on Facebook and a shadowy figure stalked towards my direction. Now I can handle myself, I’m a fighter, but this man wasn’t looking for a fight. He was looking down. He then looked up and saw me. I could see a bright white glimmering smile beneath the rugged mustache. He then untied his trench coat and opened it up revealing his naked body underneath with a disgusting condom covered penis.

Attorney Pappetti: As you all know I have the condom here as Exhibit A. Please continue.

UF: Well I was able to give you that condom because I kicked the man in the testicles and the condom fell off as the perpetrator went running and screaming yelling “Oh Yea!” (sobbing)

Attorney Pappetti: It’s ok. Let it out. You all can see the aggravation that this has caused my client which has caused her to place this Aggravating Sexual Assault case on… well. Miss, is the person who exposed himself to you here today?

UF: Yes.

Attorney Pappetti: Can you point him out please?

UF: (sobbing) Yes.

Crowd: GASP

Attorney Pappetti: May I say for the record that Unnamed Masked Female Victim is pointing at Bufftholemew Mustache.

BM: HEY!

Judge: Please sit down, Mr. Mustache.

Attorney Pappetti: May I say for the record that even Mr. Mustache himself is pointing at himself.

BM: My hands are at my side.

Attorney Pappetti: It’s not your fingers doing the pointing. Didn’t the judge ask you to put your pants back on?

Attorney Cockman: JUDGE! May I do my cross examination.

Judge: That’s up to Mr. Pappetti.

Attorney Pappetti: I’m finished here.

Judge: Then you may proceed.

Attorney Cockman: Please keep standing, Buff. And keep that like it is, if you know what I mean.

BM: Keep my penis hard?

Attorney Cockman: Yes. Miss Victim, this condom, exhibit A. Is this the very same condom from the day of the alleged assault?

UF: Yes.

Attorney Cockman: to be clear, this isn’t a facsimile of the condom, or simply a brand new condom in representation of the original condom in question.

UF: YES!

Attorney Cockman: So are you willing to say UNDER OATH, that this condom and not any other condom IS INDEED the EXACT condom that you kicked off your assailant on the day of August 17th 2018.

UF: Yes, I am!

Attorney Pappetti: OBJECTION! IRRELEVANT. This has been entered into examination and approved way beforehand it can’t be taken out.

Attorney Cockman: Oh, no. Quite the opposite, Mr. Pappetti. I am making sure that it’s very clear to everyone here that this condom is INDEED admissible. And, Buff. Please come here.

BM: But I just came here, it may take about 5 minutes.

Attorney Cockman: No, I mean move your body over here please.

BM: OK.

Attorney Cockman: Please remove your pants.

BM: Done at please.

Attorney Cockman: Please drop those drawers.

BM: HAPPILY!

Attorney Cockman: Now please… put the condom on.

BM: But my Mama says not to put anything rubber on your genitals.

DW: I said don’t wear a rubba on that cawk of yours!

BM: Sorry, please strike that from the record and say what she said instead. Please read that back.

Judge: DON’T read it back.

BM: OK.

Attorney Cockman: Please, Mr. Mustache. Mrs. Mustache. Allow Buff to do this, just this one time. For the sake of justice.

DW: This better be going somewhere. I’m dryer than the fawkin’ Sahara desert down there.

Attorney Cockman: Buff… please put the condom on.

BM: Ok…. Guh.. ugh… it doesn’t fit. It’s too small.

Attorney Cockman: IT’S TOO SMALL! HALLELULIAH THERE IS A GOD! You see ladies and gentlemen on the jury it certainly could NOT have been Buff Mustache that commuted this crime because the condom did not fit.

BM: It was too small, I want to make that perfectly clear.

Attorney Cockman: TOO SMALL!

BM: The condom was too small. My PENIS was too big… ladies.

Attorney Cockman: Judge I hereby make this evidence inadmissible. IF THE LOVE GLOVE DON’T FIT YOU MUST ACQUIT!!!

Crowd: Gasps

DW: FUCK YEA! GET OVER HERE AND EAT MY PUSSY ERNESTO!!!

DM: OK BROTHER!!

Judge: ORDER…ORDER!!!

BM: I’m still so hard right now!

Judge: In light of recent information I’m going to have to Judge this trial as a mistrial. Buff Mustache, you are free to go!

BM: OH YEA!

UF: WHAT THE FUCK! THIS IS BULLSHIT!

BM: Come here baby. I’ll make you feel better.

UF: FEEL THIS! OOMPH!

Attorney Cockman: SHE KICKED HIM IN THE NUTS!!!

JUDGE: Baliff, please see Unnamed Masked Female Victim out of here.

UF: This won’t be the last you see of me. I’m entering War and I’m eliminating your ass!

BM: OH YEA! All I heard was that she’s entering my ass! You hear that ma!

UM: Shut the fawk up, I’m cumming on your father’s mustache!

End

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TL:DR Buff Gets Off