Something to Fuck with Ursula Mustache

[Mama Mustache]

Conrad Blobson: Hey hey, it’s Conrad Blobson and you’re listening to Something to Fuck with...Ursula Mustache. Ursula, what’s goin’ on, ma’am? How are you?

Mama Mustache: I’m doin’ great, Cawnrad! I’m about to enter my first gawd damn Whore match and to prepare, I’ve been doin’ my gawd damn titty pull-ups.



Conrad Blobson: So pull-ups where you lift yourself by your titties?



Mama Mustache: Gee, you’re a regular fuckin’ genius! Is that how ya get Dic Flareup’s fuckin’ daughter to sleep with you, ‘cause it definitely ain’t ya fuckin’ looks, you fat bitch!



Conrad Blobson: Well, fuck you, Ursula, you stup…



Mama Mustache: Uh-uh. This ain’t ya other pawdcasts with Bruce Dickhard and Boney Schiavone, you hear me? This ain’t 69 Weeks with Eric Bitchoff! You ain’t tawkin’ to me like that! I’ll talk to you any gawd damn way I want and you’ll just have to take it! Do you hear me, you fat cawcksucka?! Do you hear me?!



Conrad Blobson: Yes, ma’am.



Mama Mustache: Good. Now let’s move on.



Conrad Blobson: Well, you mentioned the Whore match before and that’s exactly what this week’s episode is about- what happened when...Mama Mustache entered Whore XVII. Let’s get a little context first. You were born Ursula Nabrow on June 9, 1955 to Umberto and Uma Nabrow. Throughout your childhood, you and your brother Ulysses were forced to watch your parents have sex every night. Does that explain a lot of the behaviors that you exhibited throughout your life?



Mama Mustache: Gee, what the fuck do you think? I’m pretty much a sex addict who’s fucked everybody and everything.



Conrad Blobson: That would include your own brother.



Mama Mustache: Ya gawd damn right!



Conrad Blobson: So around 13 years old, you ran away from home and spent the next 15 years traveling all across the world acting as a groupie for some of the world’s most famous musical acts. As far as groupies go, you were the stuff of legend, taking on whole bands at one time and allowing them to do things to you that even the Geneva Convention would deem human rights violations. There’s one story that during an Eagles after party in 1977, you went down on Glenn Frey while Joe Walsh and Don Felder double skull fucked you while Don Henley sodomized you with two drumsticks while Randy Meisner held a cigarette lighter to your clit, and they were singing “Life in the Fast Lane” in five part harmony the whole time! Why would you put yourself through this?



Mama Mustache: You know, Cawnrad, when you gain a reputation like I was gainin’ throughout the ‘70s, you had to up the ante as you were bein’ passed around like a gawd damn piece of meat to each band. But let me tell you somethin’: no matter what these fuckin’ bands dished out, I always fuckin’ took it and was ready for more, just like it’s gonna be in this gawd damn Whore match.



Conrad Blobson: You know, a picture of you flashing a camera backstage at an Aerosmith concert from 1973 recently leaked out online, and I have to say, you were pretty Roll Tide back then.



Mama Mustache: Well, thank you, Cawnrad. Maybe after this show I can stawp by First Fanny Mortgage and let ya see my dirty pillows up close and personal.



Conrad Blobson: Um, I said you were Roll Tide back in ‘73.



Mama Mustache: Oh, what, I ain’t Roll fuckin’ Tide now?! What does that stupid shit even mean anyway?! How ‘bout you fuckin’ roll tide ya fat ass down to a fuckin’ gym!



Conrad Blobson: I’m sorry I brought it up. Anyway, at some point, you moved on from being a groupie and became a ring rat, which for those of you at home is a groupie for wrestlers. Did you have the same experiences with the wrestlers as you did the rock stars?



Mama Mustache: You kiddin’ me? These wrestlers were so beat up half the gawd damn time that I was the one in control when I gawt ‘em in the sack!



Conrad Blobson: Except for when you finally reached the pinnacle of all ring ratdom, Roid Rogers, whose real name is Ernesto Mustache. He convinced you to try it bareback when you two met for a night of wild sex at the Tropicana in Atlantic City in 1983. Chat me up: if you made it a practice of controlling the wrestlers during sex, why did you let him convince you to do it without a condom?



Mama Mustache: [Sigh] You see, Cawnrad, by ‘83, I was done. I was gettin’ my pussy and every other orifice in my bawdy railed for 15 straight years and I needed a break, but before I could do that, I had one more cawck to mount, and that was Roid Rogers. I mean, it was Roid Rogers! He was the biggest wrestlin’ superstar of the time! He was in Cocky III the year before! He was a world wide mega star, and fuckin’ him would be like climbing Mount fuckin’ Everest, but he would only let me ride him if we did bareback! I had no choice! I had to do him or I’d regret it for the rest of my life!



Conrad Blobson: Well, you did do him and you still ended up regretting it for the rest of your life. Tell us why.



Mama Mustache: Becawse instead of pullin’ out like he was supposed to do, he splooged his fuckin’ seed into me and gave me his first of three fuckin’ demon seeds!



Conrad Blobson: And that would be Beef Mustache, born June 1, 1984. How did motherhood change your life?



Mama Mustache: It changed it for the fuckin’ worst! I had shit that I wanted to do after all the fuckin’ I did! I wanted to travel! I wanted to go back to school! Sure, I’d still fuck on the side, especially if I needed the extra money, but I wanted more out of life! Instead, I had to stay home and take care of a fuckin’ bunch of snot nosed little kids who shit their fuckin’ pants awll day! At least I gawt the piece of shit who impregnated me to do the right thing for once in his fuckin’ life and marry me.



Conrad Blobson: A shotgun wedding.



Mama Mustache: Ya gawd damn right it was, and I was holdin’ the fuckin’ shotgun!



Conrad Blobson: Now, as you implied before, you did have other children. On December 7, 1986, Buff Mustache was born, and on June 30, 1988, Biff Mustache entered the world.



Mama Mustache: Also known as Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumshit.



Conrad Blobson: Was Ernesto ever home to help with the kids?



Mama Mustache: Are you kiddin’ me?! The only thing that piece of shit ever helped with was makin’ my life fuckin’ harder. He would go out awn the gawd damn road for days on end, defendin’ his World Gawd Damn Title, snortin’ coke, and fuckin’ ring rats! On the days he was home, he was down in the basement gettin’ his pump off and stickin’ fuckin’ needles in his ass! And I’d say “Hey, Ernesto, I need you to bring Biff to the fuckin’ doctor! He stuck his gawd damn prick in the pencil sharpener again!” And he’d just be like “Well brother, I’ve got to juice, brother, and then I have to do my cock push-ups, brother, and then I have to take my vitamins and say my prayers, brother, and oh brother brother.” And I’d say “How about you answer my prayers and fuckin’ die!” And then I’d end up taking the little shit to the fuckin’ doctor myself! And you know what the sad thing was?! No matter what I did for those gawd damn kids, no matter how many lunches I packed, no matter how many boogeymen I scared away, no matter how many teachers I went down on to get them to pass school, no matter how many dicks I gawt out of pencil sharpeners, they still loved their father more than me! They still saw him as their hero! And becawse I was the one layin’ down the fuckin’ law in the house, I was seen as the fuckin’ cunt! I gawt no appreciation whatsoever!



Conrad Blobson: Wow. I’m sorry to hear that.



Mama Mustache: Save it. You’ll be wantin’ to say that a lawt in this episode.



Conrad Blobson: Moving on then. Fast forward to October 9, 2004. Your oldest son, Beef, was sentenced to 20 years in prison for sending a picture of his penis to a 15 year-old-girl. What was that like seeing your son going to prison for such a heinous crime?



Mama Mustache: Oh, it was great Cawnrad! It was the highlight of my life seein’ my son go awff to prison while my friends’ sons were awll becomin’ doctors and fuckin’ lawyers. But in his defense, what was the actual crime? You know how many dicks I saw by the time I turned 15? 200! 200 penises! And they weren’t fuckin’ pictures! They were live and in the flesh!



Conrad Blobson: And speaking of penises, I think it’s a good time right now to talk about our friends over at Blue Chew. Ursula, you want to take this?



Mama Mustache: Very subtle segue, ya bloated bitch. Anyway, if you gawt a small dick and ya can’t get it to work right half the time, head over to BlueChew.cawm and get ya self some Blue Chew so that when ya lady friend wants you to put ya magic stick in her big brown beaver, you don’t look like a big bitch!



Conrad Blobson: Alright, now, it’s 2016, you have one son in prison, Ernesto can no longer go in the ring because of his many injuries- mainly in his hip and back from all the legs he dropped- and Biff and Buff are still living at home, unemployed. Then, one day, they both come to you and tell you they want to become wrestlers like their father, and you said...



Mama Mustache: Absolutely no fuckin’ way! They were already like their fuckin’ father enough!



Conrad Blobson: But they asked their father and he said yes.



Mama Mustache: Yep, that’s Ernesto, backin’ me up like always. The only time he knows when to back me up is when he’s puttin’ his little Roidster in my chocolate starfish!



Conrad Blobson: He takes to training them in the famous Mustache Family Dungeon- hopefully only famous for training wrestlers and not imprisoning sex slaves…



Mama Mustache: I ain’t sayin’ shit!



Conrad Blobson: …- and on November 11, 2016, Biff is the first second-generation Mustache to wrestle a match when he debuts on Double-DCF Slam in a fourway against Jesse McCoy, Rise, and Mike Emerick. How proud of Biff were you on that night?



Mama Mustache: I wasn’t. He fuckin’ lawst!



Conrad Blobson: That’s true, and Biff didn’t last too much longer after that.



Mama Mustache: No! He gawt cawght puttin’ his dick in a hotel maid’s vaccum in Topeka and was fired the next day!



Conrad Blobson: He makes his way over to Spencer Adams’ UTI in the Spring of 2017 where he starts to have considerably more success, winning the Cock Cup in only his second week in the company. What do you think led to him having a better start over in the UTI?



Mama Mustache: Becawse I fuckin’ told him that if he embarrassed our family again like he did over in the Double-DCF, I’d fuckin’ pull his dick awff and beat him over the head with it!



Conrad Blobson: That would be motivation enough for me. Buff joins Biff not too long after and the tag team known as the Super Stache Brothers is formed. They’d go on to win the UTI Gang Bang Championships from Andre Jenson and Teo Del Hole at UTI’s Erection Day pay-per-view. Around this time, you started to appear on UTI programming and were actively campaigning for a shot at the UTI World Heavyweight Title. First, why were you on TV so much and what made you think you were qualified for a shot at a professional wrestling championship?



Mama Mustache: Cawnrad, have you ever seen my sons? They’re imbeciles. They can hardly talk and masturbate at the same time. Sure, they won those Gang Bang Titles, but it was my guidance and management that gawt them to that point, and if they were going to hold awn to those fuckin’ things, they were gonna need me to make sure they didn’t have any real competition, which is why I was bookin’ them against teams like the Natural Hitassers and Penetration. To answer your second question, what qualified me to seek a shawt at the UTI World gawd damn Championship? How ‘bout sacrificing the best years of my life so that my piece of shit husband could go around the world carrying his fuckin’ gold belt all over the gawd damn place! I did my time raising those gawd damn kids. It was about time for me to have my time in the gawd damn sun!



Conrad Blobson: And it didn’t come easy. Spencer Adams, like most people, thought the idea of you getting a title shot was ridiculous. However, after causing his mother, Betty Adams, to have a heart attack during the Silver Cougar Fight that the two of you competed in at Cummermania in July of 2017, Spencer agreed to fight you in a Hell in a Cell match on the conditions that if you won, you’d get the title shot, but if you lost, you’d have to leave UTI forever. That match took place at Meltdown on August 27, 2017, and holy crap,with tons of interference from your family, you became the #1 contender to the UTI World Heavyweight Championship. How did that feel?



Mama Mustache: It felt better than all the times Three Dog Night triple penetrated me while singing “Joy to the World.”



Conrad Blobson: So let’s just pause here for a second and review. In a matter of five months, Biff had won the Cock Cup, the Super Stache Brothers won the UTI Gang Bang Championships, and you were the #1 contender to a World Title. Couple those things with all the accomplishments your husband had in the 80s and 90s, and it looked like the Mustache Family was now a Mustache Dynasty.



Mama Mustache: Your right! Plus, I was havin’ the best sex of my fuckin’ life, not only with Ulysses, but with my new Indian sex worker, Tinder Maballs. That Cumma Sutra those Indian fellas use is something else! But like everything else in my life, it quickly went to shit!



Conrad Blobson: You ended up gifting your title shot to Biff partly because he jumped off the cell to put Spencer through an announce table, and partly to try and become the favorite parent. Then, on September 9, 2017, Biff, in an attempt to do a cock push-up, broke his penis and therefore had to forfeit his title shot. The entire Mustache Family ended up leaving UTI, and things continued to go downhill as we entered 2018. First, in May, your eldest son, Beef, died in prison of an accidental suicide while trying to perform autoerotic assfixation. I know losing a child is probably the most painful experience one could endure, but did it make it worse that he went out that way?



Mama Mustache: No. That’s how every Mustache has gawn out since day one. We never let anybody roll us up, not even Death. If we’re gonna die, we’re gonna do it to ourselves while tryin’ to get awff!



Conrad Blobson: Not the answer I was expecting. Anyway, the tragedy continued as just a few weeks ago on an episode of the Sixth Dimension- which can be seen only on the WCF Network and one that I highly recommend- Biff Mustache was put in a coma after being powerbombed from the top rope and through a ladder on the outside of the ring by The Killenial, the former Caleb Bonin’.



Mama Mustache: And after Whore, I’m gonna find that cawcksucka and make him eat his own nutsack!



Conrad Blobson: Then Buff, your only conscious son, was arrested for aggravating sexual assault. What’s worse, he lost the Mustache’s signature match, a 12-Inch Iron Penis Match, to Little Jimmy Wolf. Iron Penis Match? Who booked this shit?



Mama Mustache: Does it matter who booked it?! The fact is that he lawst a match he had no business losin’, and to a fuckin’ guy who has less talent than a quadrapalgic in a handjawb contest! And anyway, we keep tellin’ Buff that he won the match because he won the last fawll, so thanks for keepin’ it on the DL over the airwaves, you fat fuckin’ fuck!



Conrad Blobson: Which brings us to now. You’re wrestling in the Whore match, but I gotta ask, with everything going on in your family, why are you taking part in this match?



Mama Mustache: It’s precisely becawse of everything that’s goin’ on in my family that I’ve declared my entry in the gawd damn Whore match! You’d think, owt of awll the men in my gawd damn family, one of them would step up to the gawd damn plate and try to bring our family back to prominence, but no, none of them do! My husband doesn’t know what decade he’s in half the time, my only conscious son seems to have let the spotlight of singles stawdom get to his head, and all my brothuh ever wants is for me to go down on him! The gawd damn Mustache Mantra is the three Fs: ” flex, fight, and fuck”. Well it seems like they only remember the first and third F and forgawt about the second one! So, just like every other time my family has run into trouble, it’s up to me to shoulder the gawd damn burden and fix it!



Conrad Blobson: But isn’t there a better way to do it? I mean, this is an interval battle royal where anything goes. There will be somewhere around 40 people in this match, some of them surprise entrants. You’re a 65 year old lady. Can’t you figure out another way to bring your family back to prominence?



Mama Mustache: Cawnrad, are your words supposed to scare me? I ain’t ever been afraid of anything in my gawd damn life and I ain’t about to start now! My whole life has been like this Whore match. I’ve always had people comin’ at me from awll fuckin’ directions lookin’ to fuck me up, whether I was expectin’ it or nawt, and when I step into that ring on September 30, I’m gonna see those people. When I see Kylie Whore, I’m not gonna see some lesbo whose carpet I wanna munch! I’m gonna see the bitch I cut in first grade on the playground at Coxhead Road Elementary School who wouldn’t give me my turn on the gawd damn swingset! When I see Teo Del Hole, I’m not gonna see a prolific masked lothario whose jalapeno I wanna pawp in my mouth! I’m gonna see the Mexican fucks who kidnapped and tried to sell me into sexual slavery south of the border! And when I see Amos, I’m not gonna see an African prince whose dick I want in the deepest, darkest part of my continent! I’m gonna see anus, and not just one anus, but all the anuses that dropped pieces of shit onto my chest during that Rolling Stones tour that I followed back in ‘72. The people I’m fightin’ in this fuckin’ Whore match better hope I don’t associate them with the shady characters from my past, becawse I gawt a lawt of unresolved fuckin’ anger left in me and I’m gonna use this match as an opportunity to try to get it out!



Conrad Blobson: But think of the type of people that are in this match. Your going to be in there with champions, former champions, stone holders...



Mama Mustache: Who cares how many champions and stone holders are in this match? Oh, what, holdin’ a gold belt arownd ya waist or carrying some fuckin’ stones between ya legs makes you better than me? If you got a belt or a stone, I’ll give ya gawd damn props. You earned it. But don’t think that you can’t be beaten on any given day by Mama Mustache.



Conrad Blobson: Well, Stephen Ding-a-Ling is the current Hardcore Porn Champion, but he’s also a former World Champion and has been in some knock-down, drag-out wars this year against the current World Champ, Hodin Balforeplay.



Mama Mustache: Oh, the guy who cawlls himself Thievin’ Stephen? He’s a fuckin’ thief like I’m a fuckin’ black chick. So he cheated to win a few matches. Big fuckin’ whoop! I was thievin’ when I turned tricks back in San Francisco in ‘68, back when he wasn’t even an itch in his daddy’s fuckin drawers. And I wasn’t thievin’ from skid marks like Roy Speede, either! I was thievin’ from my fuckin’ pimp, Rufus! I was takin’ my life into my own hands like the cawcks I jerked awf at Woodstock! And speakin’ of Ding-a-Ling’s match with Roy Speede, I saw Ding-a-Ling’s mother hit Speede in the back of the head with her oxygen tank! Well let me tell you something, Stephen Ding-a-Ling! If ya fuckin’ mothuh wants to hit me in the head with her oxygen tank, I’ll turn around and smack her right acrawss her gawd damn tits. She won’t be breathin’ oxygen anymore after that! Don’t believe me? Just ask Spencer Adams’ mother! When that bitch challenged me to a fight, I smacked her acrawss her gawd damn tits so hard she bled like a stuck pig and I gave her a heart attack!



And lemme tell you something, Cawnrad. I may be a fuckin’ gutterslut and a train wreck, but you’ll never see me turn into a fuckin’ drug and alcohol addict when the chips are down, only to recover and use my sobriety to start some fruity little fake religion with the likes of Michael Sex and Saint Lays that beats people up outta nowhere. I’ve been on fuckin’ drugs. My chips have been down plenty of times, just like my drawers. But I’m here right now, fightin’ for somethin’ beyond my fuckin’ self: my family! And I’ll go through anything for them! I wouldn’t just fight on two scaffolds. I’d fight on three! I wouldn’t just fight in a fuckin’ wheelchair! I’d cut my own fuckin’ legs awff and fight with half a body! He may be a champion and I may be a piece of shit, but I’m a piece of shit who stands up for somethin’!



You know which champion I can respect? Squirt Novarro. Now here’s a guy that’s fightin’ to pay awff his father’s gawd damn medical bills, and he’s been winnin’ enough matches where he probably is payin’ ‘em awff easily. The guy ain’t lawst a fuckin’ match yet! Shit, he beat my own fuckin’ son! Unfortunately, that’s the last Mustache he’s gonna beat. He wants to be a private investigator? Well, if he gets in my fuckin’ face during the Whore match, I’ll shove his head up his ass so he can investigate his own fuckin’ intestines!



Conrad Blobson: But what if he hits you with the Vanishing Point? I think he’s won almost every match with it.



Mama Mustache: The only point that vanishes are the pointiness of my titties whenever Little Jimmy Wolf walks by me. Look, I know the Vanishin’ Point is a feared finishin’ maneuver, but I’ve been hit upside the head with a lawt of things in my life. Rick James once hit me over the head with a cement block becawse I wouldn’t freebase with him, and I gawt right back up and tied his fuckin’ dick around his leg! I’ve head more head trauma than Squirt Novarro has gotten head and I’m as sharp as a fuckin’ blade! And the Coquiffa Clutch won’t work on me either. I’ve been choked plenty of times and I’ve never passed out! Ted Nugent once choked me during sex, while listening to “Stranglehold,” I might add, and I didn’t pass out for one second! I stayed awake and finished! I guarantee that no matter what move Novarro puts on me, I’ve already encountered it in awll the seedy places of my youth.



Conrad Blobson: What about the Tombstone Piledriver?



Mama Mustache: Please. 1975. Ike Turner holds me upside down while we 69. He drops me awn my head and I still hold his dick in my mouth lawng enough to get him to blow a load down my throat.



Conrad Blobson: Well, you got me there. But what about the Gang Bang champions? Those are two guys that’ll probably work together to eliminate you.



Mama Mustache: Cawnrad, are you gonna make it this easy for me?



Conrad Blobson: Huh? Oh, right, because you’ve taken on two guys by yourself before. How dumb of me to ask.



Mama Mustache: Yeah, and trust me, Eccendix and Samuel Dickpiercin’ may be more experienced than me, but so were Simon and Garfunkel when they deflowered me, and by the end of that night, those two felt like they had just been fucked by a Mack truck.



Conrad Blobson: You said earlier that this match might be a way for you to let out some anger that you’ve built up throughout your life, but Eccendix is known for his anger as well and will probably use it to fuel him during this match just like you. Do you think you have an advantage over a guy like him?



Mama Mustache: Are you tellin’ me his life’s problems are worse than mine? Why, because he was kidnapped from his birth mother and everything in his life is a fuckin’ lie? Well, let me tell you somethin’: if havin’ a fake fuckin’ life means you get to make a lawt of fuckin’ money and wrestle awll over the gawd damn world, then give ME a fake fuckin’ life! While he was gettin’ spoiled by this gawd damn fake mother or whoever the fuck kidnapped him, I was livin’ a REAL fuckin’ life that saw me wipin’ fuckin’ noses and changin’ fuckin’ wet bedsheets while my husband gawt to live the life of a fuckin’ superstar.



But you know what? I’m kind of glad that I’ve lived the kind of life that I’ve had becawse it hardened me like an aroused dick! I’ve lawst all hope in humanity. I’ve lawst all dignity, self-value, morals, you name it, I’ve lawst it; and when you have somebody like me who hasn’t had any faith or hope since Kennedy gawt elected, then you gawt somebody who has nothin’ to lose. Has Eccendix gawtten to that fuckin’ point yet? I don’t think so. He just bitches and moans and whines and complains about living a cushy fuckin’ life and havin’ to hold those gawd damn Double-DCF Gang Bang Titles with Samuel Dickpiercin’! Well, Eccendix, you can whine and complain awll you want, but awll it’s gonna make you do is not be aware when this pussy cums awff the top rope and lands right on your fuckin’ face! You want something to cry about? Just wait ‘til your fuckin’ nose is up my fuckin’ twat!



Jesus Christ, how does Dickpiercin’ deal with this fuckin’ guy?! And what makes it worse is that he’s gawt that gawd damn awtism, so he can’t even tell Eccendix to shut the fuck up!



Conrad Blobson: How do you feel about possibly having to fight someone with a developmental disorder?



Mama Mustache: Cawnrad, have you seen the kids I fuckin’ raised? Make no mistake about it, Biff and Buff are both clinically retarded. The only reason they weren’t in special ed is because…



Conrad Blobson: You went down on their principal.



:Beer can pops open:



Mama Mustache: You gawt it, big boy. Anyway, I never felt bad about hitting my gawd damn kids upside their gawd damn heads, even though they were probably too special to understand that what they were doin’ half the time was wrawng, and that’s how I feel about Dickpiercin’. I appreciate that he’s overcome his retardedness to become some big motherfucker that’s a force to be reckoned with, but in the end it comes down to winnin’ that gawd damn match, and no spectrum of any kind is gonna stop me from doin’ that. My crazy will trump his gawd damn freakish awtism strength any day of the gawd damn week! I’ve taken the entire ‘86 Chicago Bears defense into my cooch and was the only one in the room who didn’t need oxygen when it was all over. If I can leave burly motherfuckers like Steve McMichael and “Refrigerator” Perry on their backs, I can do the same to that burly awtistic fuck.



Again, I have no conscience to hold me back from doin’ anything anymore. I could walk into one of those special retard homes like the ones I wanted to put my boys in and push some cerebral palsy kid who wears a hockey helmet down a flight of fuckin’ stairs. I just don’t give a shit anymore. Not even that Mr. Losak can shout any instructions to counter what I have planned for Dickpiercin’s big awtistic ass. In fact, if Mr. Losak wants to open his big gawd damn mouth, I’ll put my pussy on it and clog his gawd damn mouth with my pussy hairs, that way, Dickpiercin’ won’t know what the fuck to do! Then, when he’s all discombobulated and havin’ one of his gawd damn awtism freak outs, I’ll come up behind him, hit him in the bawlls, and roll him up for the 1, 2, 3, still punchin’ him in the gawd damn bawlls the entire time!



Conrad Blobson: Sounds like a genius plan. Hey, what do you think Jim Pornette would say about an autistic guy fighting in the Whore match?



Mama Mustache: How am I supposed to know? I’ve never met the guy! Oh, is this one of those moments where you expect me to do an impression?



Conrad Blobson: Um...yeah.



Mama Mustache: Well, why don’t you do an impression of a guy fuckin’ himself, which is what Little Jimmy Wolf wishes he could do but fails miserably at it!



Conrad Blobson: Yeah, let’s talk about James Wolf. Why do you hate him so much? It seems like your family has been goin’ at him now for the past month or so.



Mama Mustache: Lemme tell you a story. Last year, over in the gawd damn fuckin’ UTI, there was some dickface named El Payasshole Roto who decided that after my gawd damn fuckin’ kids made some funny fuckin’ Twitter posts, he was gonna make some unprovoked, unsolicited cawmments about the size of their fuckin’ cawcks! Well, guess what happened to that muthafucka? Every time he stepped into the ring with my boys, he gawt his fuckin’ asshole beat to shit every fuckin’ time without fail!



And now, we got the same situation with this Little Jimmy Wolf! Buff tries to spread some fuckin’ joy on the gawd damn fuckin’ Twitter and makes some funny fuckin’ innuendos, and this dickface Little Jimmy Wolf has gawt to insult my gawd damn boy for no reason other than to be a fuckin’ dick! Well, guess what, Jimmy? You may have gawtten the upper hand against my boy a few times, but in the latest match you two had, he won, and now your comin’ in to the gawd damn Whore match at #1. And let me tell you something: I hope you’re in that gawd damn Whore match lawng enough to encounter me, ‘cawse I haven’t been able to get my hands on you yet. I haven’t been able to introdouche you to my pussy. I haven’t been able to Penisplex you around the gawd damn ring yet.



I don't know if you're a parent, becawse  I can't imagine ya wife, Morgan, would ever let you touch her long enough for you to splooge ya seed into her fuckin’ pussy, but I’ve had the unfortunate privilege of being a mother for fuckin’ 35 fuckin’ years! And I may fuckin’ hate my kids, but I love ‘em at the same time, and when you start fuckin’ with my kids for no good reason other than to be a fuckin’ prick, well that’s when I’m gonna fuck with you. And notice how I put the word “with” between “fuck” and “you,” because I’d would never actually FUCK YOU because you’re repulsive, and that’s comin’ from me, you fuckhead!



Conrad Blobson: Dave Felt-Her has really been giving James Wolf shit in the Wrestling Peeper. Some people think that you’ve been paying Felt-Her to make the Peeper be the official organ of the Mustache Family.



Mama Mustache: Cawnrad, what kind of a person do you think I am? I ain’t payin’ Dave Felt-Her to do nothin’!



Conrad Blobson: Oh. That’s good to know.



Mama Mustache: I’m fuckin’ him!



Conrad Blobson: Oh. Well, good news and bad news. Good news: in the latest edition of the Peeper, he thinks a Mustache will win. Bad news for you: he thinks it’s going to be Buff.



Mama Mustache: He said that?! Fuck Dave Felt-Her! And I am.



Conrad Blobson: Well, let’s talk about it. If it does come down to you and Buff at the end of the match, will you let him pin you or will you try to go for the win?



:Dramatic pause:



Mama Mustache: Cawnrad, if my gawd damn fuckin’ son is fortunate enough to be one of the last two people in the Whore match, I’ll be very proud of him. He will have done more than I thought he could do. But the fact remains that if he were to win the Whore match, I don’t have a lawt of cawnfidence in him winning the World gawd damn Title at One. I told you, this is about bringin’ the family back to prominence, and I don’t know if I can risk that by givin’ Buff the win. I told ya, I did that shit last year with Biff. I gave him my UTI Title shawt. I gave him the bawll and told him to run with it, and what happened? He broke his cawck and we had to leave the UTI. So much potential was left unfulfilled by that gawd damn kid, and I don’t even know if I can trust Buff to do what Biff couldn’t. So to answer your question, if it came down to me and Buff, I would have to pin him and I would have to be the one to fight for that Double-DCF World Title.



Conrad Blobson: A lot of people are doubting you. A lot of people think that you are entering this Whore match is a joke.



Mama Mustache: Let ‘em! You think I ever gave a shit what people thawt? I know why I’m doin’ this! It ain’t a one-off appearance! It ain’t a fuckin’ cameo to give everybody a laugh! It ain’t to prove that a 65-year-old woman like me, who’s gawn through the ringer, being poked and prodded by every heroin needle and dick in the world, can fuckin’ make it in a match like this. None of those reasons apply to why I’m doin’ this. I’m enterin’ this contest to win the match, win the title shawt, go to One, become the champion, and put my family back on tawp of the wrestlin’ orgy! And let me leave you with this: whenever I take awn multiple people, whether it’s in this Whore match or in the bedroom, believe you me, I’m always the one that’s finishin’ last!



Conrad Blobson: Well, I think that’s a good place to end it. Let’s take a look at the topics for next week’s poll. It’s all pay-per-views featuring Roid Rogers.



Mama Mustache: Of course! It’s my show and I gawtta tawk about my gawd damn husband!



Conrad Blobson: First up, it’s Sunny Smash ‘89, headlined by Roid Rogers and Brother Brutass against Douche and the Blotcho Man. What will we hear about if we review Sunny Smash ‘89?



Mama Mustache: How about how he brought Sensatianal Sherri back to our house that night and fucked her awn our couch?



Conrad Blobson: Next, it’s Colossal Tussle IV from Hump Plaza. What will you share with us for that event?



Mama Mustache: It’ll be presidential, becawse I’ll tell you about my husband and future-President Hump double penetratin’ Vanna White!



Conrad Blobson: Or, it could be Ring of the King ‘93, the night Roid Rogers lost the World Title to Yokofupa.



Mama Mustache: Yeah, the day I found out he was leavin’ Vince McMackin’s company and was comin’ home, only to find out he was negotiatin’ with Eric Bitchoff to go to another wrestlin’ organization and leave me with the fuckin’ little spawns of Satan again!



Conrad Blobson: And finally, Slaughter in the Sand ‘96, when he formed the Nude World Organs with Scott Balls and Kevin Snatch. What say you about this show?



Mama Mustache: This is when he stawted that “too sweet” thing that the Bullshit Club copies over in Nude Japan. You know what would have been too sweet? A fuckin’ car runnin’ me over and endin’ my fuckin’ misery!



Conrad Blobson: Alright. Well that’s it for this week. Ursula, good luck in the Whore match. And to all you listeners, we’ll see you next week right here on Something to Fuck with...Ursula Mustache.



Mama Mustache: Take it easy, cawcksuckas! 

She throws her headset down.

Mama Mustache: Now where can a girl pay for a good Brazilian waxin' around here?