Post by Dean Wolf on Aug 7, 2018 17:28:36 GMT -5
We open the show with a shot of The Handler sitting at his desk in his office.
The Handler: Good evening. Before we start tonight’s show, I wanted to take a second and make the following announcement: due to the brawl that took place at the end of last week’s show, and other incidents that have occurred these past few weeks, I hereby ban Dean Wolf and Cliff of Doom from having any further physical contact until their match next week here in The Sixth Dimension. If either, or even both, of these men engage in any physical contact before their match next week, they will both be disqualified from the tournament. Thank you and enj---
The sound of someone barging in can be heard. Caleb Ronan comes in view.
Caleb Ronan: Handler, I have to talk to you about tonight.
The Handler: Caleb, can’t you see I’m in the mid---
Caleb Ronan: How dare you put my iPhone, MY PROPERTY, on the line in a ladder match?! That’s MY phone! It was stolen from me and it belongs in MY hands! I haven’t been able to post anything on Instagram or Snap for a week! Do you know what it’s like not to be connected for SEVEN DAYS?!
The Handler: Hey, you brought that phone into your place of work, which I own! Frankly, I should have ordered you to keep that iPhone in the locker room the entire time! Alamo Franklin’s right. Thirty years ago, if you came down to the ring while you were on your phone, you would have been out on the street faster than you could tag someone in one of your stupid posts! The way I see it, I’ve been letting you take time away from me and my promotion and now you’re going to give it back in this ladder match; so, if you want your phone back so badly, you better beat Biff Mustache tonight!
Caleb’s eye starts to twitch. He heaves, a little spit coming out of his mouth.
Caleb Ronan: I’m offended!
He storms out. The Handler just looks on and shakes his head before looking back at the camera.
The Handler: Enjoy the show, everyone.
The title sequence of the show plays and we cut to a shot of the Sixth Dimension Arena. Pyro goes off one by one from each entrance ramp. The cameras pan the audience. Some fans are cheering, some are screaming into the camera, and some are holding signs. “The Heretic Anthem” by Slipknot plays throughout this introduction.
James Eastwood: We’re getting ever closer to finding out who will compete in the finals for the Sixth Dimension Championship and an unusual prize will be literally up for grabs!
Eastwood and Alamo Franklin appear on-screen sitting behind their broadcast table.
James Eastwood: Hello, everyone! I’m James Eastwood, and next to me is the man who has been my partner throughout this tournament, Mr. Alamo Franklin! Alamo, we’ve got a big show tonight. Cliff of Doom is taking on Ded Memry, Dean Wolf and Bernard Core are finally going to face each other, and in our main event, Biff Mustache and Caleb Ronan will compete in the Sixth Dimension’s first ever ladder match, and it’s for Caleb Ronan’s iPhone.
Alamo Franklin: I can’t believe that we live in a day and age when two grown men are fightin’ over a phone, but I guess that’s just the way it is. Still, I hope Biff Mustache knocks the little dipshit’s teeth out of his face with the ladder.
James Eastwood: It should be an exciting night of action, so let’s get started right away. Gordon Gould, take it away!
“Dead Memories” by Slipknot plays. Most people in the crowd cheer.
Gordon Gould: This contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from parts unknown, weight unknown, Ded Memry!
Ded marches down to the ring without even acknowledging the fans. He enters under the bottom rope, stomps around the ring, and then paces back and forth in his corner.
James Eastwood: Ded had one hell of a war last week against Dean Wolf.
A replay from last week’s match plays.
Alamo Franklin: This was brawlin’ like they did back in my day. Theses sons of bitches beat up the refs, fought in the crowd; it really brought me back to the days when men weren’t afraid to beat each other half to death.
James Eastwood: Wolf was successful in that match but Ded is determined to get back on track; but he’s going to have a tough challenge with Cliff of Doom, who recovered from that unjust loss to Bernard Core by beating Caleb Ronan last week.
“No Leaf Clover” by Metallica plays. The crowd unanimously cheers.
Gordon Gould: His opponent, from Selden, NY, weighing in at 218 pounds, Cliff of Doom!
Cliff yells at the top of the ramp. He walks down the aisle, enters the ring, stands on the second rope, and lets out another scream as Kirk Hammett’s solo begins.
James Eastwood: These two got into it during that brawl at the end of last week’s episode. Cliff of Doom was going after Dean Wolf, but I guess Ded figured he’d get some early licks in on Cliff ahead of tonight’s match.
The ref calls for the bell. Ded charges at Cliff, but Cliff rolls forward and avoids getting pummeled. Ded quickly turns around and charges again but Cliff does another roll through. Ded turns around and takes a Pele kick to the top of his head.
James Eastwood: Cliff has been studying Ded. He knows Ded likes to go for the quick attack.
Cliff sends Ded off the ropes but it’s reversed. Ded runs at Cliff and hits a jumping knee lift. He gets Cliff to his feet and punches him before sending him off the ropes. Cliff reverses the whip but Ded holds on to the ropes. Cliff runs at him and his backdropped over the top rope. However, Cliff lands on the apron. Ded turns around and Cliff sends him to the mat with a springboard blockbuster. He covers.
1…
2…
Ded kicks out and Cliff instantly traps him in a chinlock. The hold doesn’t last long as Ded gets to his feet and elbows his way out. He whips Cliff towards the ropes but it’s reversed. Cliff attempts a double front leg dropkick but Ded catches him and slingshots him over the top rope. Cliff hangs on to the top rope and skins the cat. Ded tries to stop the attempt but Cliff headscissors him to the outside floor.
James Eastwood: That’s one way to send your opponent to the outside.
Cliff is still holding on to the top rope and pulls himself back into the ring. He gets to the center, psyches the crowd up, comes off the ropes, runs across the ring, and flies over the top rope.
James Eastwood: CLIFF DIVE!
Cliff crashes on top of Ded and the crowd goes wild. Cliff gets up and yells, prompting some in the crowd to answer back with yells of their own. He wastes no time in draping Ded over the apron and goes for a springboard apron legdrop. Ded moves out of the way. At the last second, Cliff avoids smacking his leg on the exposed edge of the apron. He shoots back up on the apron. Ded is back on his feet in the ring. He turns around and catches Cliff trying to springboard off the top rope, so he trips him up. Cliff lands stomach first on the rope and hangs on it like a wet piece of laundry on a clothesline. Ded grabs him in a front facelock and pulls him so that only his feet are hanging on the rope. Then, he impales Cliff on the mat with an elevated DDT.
Crowd: Oooo!
James Eastwood: Did you see the impact on that?!
Alamo Franklin: He landed on his head harder than a 747 fallin’ from the sky.
He covers.
1…
2…
Cliff kicks out with a glazed over look on his face. Ded drags him by his hair and throws him out of the opposite end of the ring.
Ded snap suplexes Cliff on the floor. Cliff yawps out in pain. Ded walks to the far ring post and climbs on the apron.
James Eastwood: What is he thinking about here?
Ded sprints, leaps, and crushes Cliff with a flying elbow drop, Cactus Jack style.
James Eastwood: My God, a flying elbow from the apron to the floor!
Alamo Franklin: This son of a bitch is crazy! He don’t care about his own damn well-being, and I kind of admire that, even though he’s gonna need a hip replacement after doin’ something like that.
Ded continues the beating by throwing Cliff into the guardrail. He props a seated Cliff up against the guardrail and connects with a running knee smash. Cliff collapses on his side and looks like he’s seeing stars.
James Eastwood: A lot of punishment to that head!
The ref begins a 10 count. Ded rolls back into the ring. He paces frantically back and forth in the ring, like he can’t contain his own energy. Cliff starts to stir. Ded tries to go back outside but the ref stops him and re-starts the count.
James Eastwood: Ded won’t be satisfied until Cliff is out like a light.
Alamo Franklin: Nor should he be.
By 7, Cliff is back on his feet. Ded does an end-around and goes back to the floor. He clobbers him with a double axe handle to the back of the neck. Cliff falls to his hands and knees. Ded gets a hold of the guardrail and starts dropping knees on Cliff’s back. The ref gets in Ded’s face and tells him to take it back in the ring. Ded raises his hand to the ref and the ref books it back into the ring.
James Eastwood: I think the refs learned from last week to just stay out of Ded’s way.
Ded scoops Cliff up and drapes him over his shoulder. He runs towards the ring post but Cliff escapes and pushes Ded face first into it.
James Eastwood: Cliff just bought himself a little breathing room.
Ded falls to his knees. Cliff takes a breather before deciding on his next plan of attack. When Ded gets back on his feet, Cliff 619s around the post drives his knees right into Ded’s face and chest.
Following Ded’s example, Cliff doesn’t give him any time to recover. He throws Ded head first into the steel steps.
He picks up the enigma and slams his head into the guardrail. Ded is slumped over the barrier while Cliff walks all the way to the opposite corner. Then, he darts towards Ded and missile dropkicks him into the timekeeper’s area! Ded flies back into the timekeeper, who falls backward in his chair. Luckily, Gordon Gould is there to prevent the timekeeper from falling all the way back.
James Eastwood: Last week, the fans and refs were in danger! Now this week, it’s our timekeeper Eddie McGaw and our ring announcer Gordon Gould!
Cliff climbs up on the apron. Ded makes it back to his feet. Cliff runs and jumps, hoping to hit a hurricanrana, but Ded catches him, runs, and throws him into the ring post.
Crowd: Ooooo!
James Eastwood: How can he recover from that?! His neck and head were launched into that metal ring post!
Ded lets out a yell of ecstatic satisfaction and swiftly rolls Cliff back into the ring under the bottom rope. He starts dropping knees to the back of Cliff’s neck like they were bombs being dropped on Dresden. He stomps around the ring before standing in the corner, heaving and waiting for the right time to strike.
Cliff makes it back up to his hands and knees. Ded tromps over to him and sets him up for a piledriver.
Ded picks Cliff straight up and drives his head into the mat. He covers.
1…
2…
2 ½…
Kickout!
James Eastwood: Amazing!
Alamo Franklin: Cliff is showin’ me right here that he’s as tough a son of a bitch as Ded or Wolf!
The crowd can’t believe Cliff survived all the punishment to his neck and head. Ded gets in the referee’s face and starts berating him, even grabbing his shirt. The ref knocks his hands away from him and warns Ded that he’ll be disqualified, all the while still looking a little terrified.
While Cliff struggles to get to his feet, Ded stands over him, his arms raised, preparing to do something sinister to them. When he’s ready, Ded traps Cliff in the sleeperhold.
James Eastwood: Memory Loss coming up!
Before Ded even has a chance to sweep the leg, Cliff drops down and pins Ded in a victory roll.
1…
2…
Ded kicks out and both men waste no time in getting to their feet. Ded goes for a big boot but Cliff grabs the foot, spins Ded around, and executes a belly to belly wheelbarrow facebuster.
Cliff comes off the ropes and squashes his adversary with a double foot/senton splash combination. He goes to the apron and signals that he’s going to take to the air.
James Eastwood: High risk maneuver coming up!
He springboards off the top rope with a 450 but Ded moves. Cliff rolls through the landing and knocks Ded silly with a super kick. However, Ded doesn’t fall. He wobbles around. Cliff finishes the job with a handspring back elbow.
Cliff whips his finger in the air, signaling that it’s time for one of his finishers.
He scoops up Ded.
James Eastwood: He’s going for the Doomstone!
Ded wiggles his legs, causing Cliff to lose his balance and not get the move in place. Ded escapes and pushes Cliff into the corner chest first. Cliff stumbles out into the center of the ring. Ded goes for a one-handed bulldog, but Cliff catches him and turns it into a Blue Thunderbomb! He goes for the cover.
1…
2…
Ded kicks out, but Cliff keeps on him with an Oklahoma roll.
1…
2…
Another kickout, and Cliff tries a move this time. He hooks the leg and tries a corkscrew neckbreaker, but Ded escapes Cliff’s clutches, kicks him in the gut, and sets up for another piledriver.
Cliff sweeps both legs and Ded falls to the mat.
James Eastwood: NO LEAF CLOVER!
Cliff has the submission hold locked on tight. Ded crawls to the ropes, slowly. Cliff yells “Tap!” as the man from parts unknown creeps closer and closer to the ropes. Most fans want to see the tap, but some fans are encouraging Ded to get the rope break.
James Eastwood: A competitor like Ded Memry won’t tap that easily.
Ded finally makes it to the ropes. Cliff keeps the hold on until the ref gets to four. He releases but pulls Ded to the center of the ring again. He crosses the shin and the knee and goes to turn Ded onto his stomach. Ded prevents this and instead moves his body quickly in the opposite direction, causing Cliff to release the leg and flip onto his back.
Both men race to their feet. Ded tackles Cliff into the corner and drives his shoulder in his stomach repeatedly.
He lifts Cliff and sits him on the top rope. He sets him up for a Muscle Buster. He lifts Cliff up and turns around. He starts to run towards the middle of the ring, but Cliff wiggles free from Ded’s grip, lands on his feet, and seamlessly lifts Ded for a gourdbuster GTS.
James Eastwood: DOOMERANG!!!
The crowd pops. Cliff covers. The crowd counts along.
1…
2…
3…
The ref calls for the bell.
Gordon Gould: The winner of this contest, Cliff of Doom!
Cliff gets to his feet as he holds his neck. The ref raises his hand.
James Eastwood: And just like that, it’s over! Cliff is very good at countering his opponents. That was just another example right there. He got out of that Muscle Buster and put himself in the perfect position to land that Doomerang.
Ded Memry rolls out the ring.
The standings graphic appears on screen.
James Eastwood: Cliff of Doom picks up his third win and puts himself into a good position before his final match next week against Dean Wolf. Ded Memry, on the other hand, is slipping further into the loss column and has put his chances of making the finals into danger.
Cliff stands on the ropes and poses for the fans, clapping in appreciation for them. He goes up the aisle and through the curtain, posing one more time before exiting. The music stops and we see Ded Memry pacing around on the outside floor in front of the broadcast table.
James Eastwood: Ded is clearly frustrated by the loss.
Alamo Franklin: Any true competitor would be.
He suddenly snaps and starts pounding on the table, startling Eastwood and even Alamo a little bit. He walks angrily away, tearing at his mask as he heads up his ramp.
James Eastwood: He knows that his chance of taking that mask off is quickly slipping away. Before last week, he was 2-0. Suddenly, he’s one loss away from being eliminated from this tournament and serving this self-imposed sentence of having to wear that mask in perpetuity.
Ded walks back through the curtain as the show fades to black and we go to a commercial.
We come back to a shot of James Eastwood and Alamo Franklin at the broadcast table.
James Eastwood: Welcome back to The Sixth Dimension. Before our next match, let’s go to Sylvia Evergreen, who’s backstage with one half of tonight’s ladder match, Biff Mustache.
We got a shot of Sylvia Evergreen standing alongside Biff in the backstage interview area. The crowd cheers.
Sylvia Evergreen: Thanks, James. Biff, any final thoughts before your ladder match with Caleb Ronan later tonight?
Biff Mustache: Well, Everbabes, before The Biffster says anything about that, I wanted to give you this.
He pulls out a pair of panties from his banana hammock.
Biff Mustache: You left these in my hotel room last night.
She quickly pulls them out of his hands.
Sylvia Evergreen: What the hell is wrong with you?! Why didn’t you give these to me before? You had to wait until we were on camera?!
Biff Mustache: Um…well…I…um…forgot until now.
Sylvia Evergreen: And what did I say about you calling me “Everbabes.” My name is Sylvia. Syl-vi-a. Can you say that?
Biff Mustache: I know you can say MY name. You were saying it last night over and over again. OH YEAH!
She folds her arms and gives him a stern look. He sheepishly corrects himself.
Biff Mustache: Sorry, Sylvia. But you gotta admit, you’ve been having a good time on these dates.
She softens her face and cracks a smile.
Sylvia Evergreen: Yeah, it’s been a good time.
Biff Mustache: Oh yeah, The Biffster’s still got it!
Sylvia Evergreen: Yes, you do, but let’s get back to my question: do you have anything to say about tonight’s ladder match?
Biff Mustache: The Biffster has never been short- not in my pants and not on words. That pussbag Caleb Ronan cost me the chance of making it to the finals of this tournament just when I was starting to get something going. And for what? For money? Because he doesn’t like the way The Biffster lives? People have always criticized The Biffster because of the way he lives, but most people were smart enough to stay out of the Biffster’s business for fear of getting a beating worse than what I do to my purple headed yogurt slinger! Well, Caleb wasn’t smart enough, so tonight, I’m just gonna take that ladder and I’m going to shove it up his butt!
The crowd cheers.
Biff Mustache: Then I’ll put it out of his bunghole, climb it, grab that iPhone, and use it to take a pic…of my dick!
The crowd cheers again.
Sylvia Evergreen: Don’t you think that’s taking things just a bit far?
Biff Mustache: Everb--- er, Sylvia, when you finally meet The Mustache Family, one thing you’re going to learn is that we always take things way too far, and tonight’s going to be no different. Caleb Ronan’s gonna pay for costing me this tournament, and he’s gonna pay by having a picture of my beef bayonet posted to his Instagram account so that all his little Social Justice Warriors that follow him can get offended and protest HIS craft beer-drinking, hipster douchebag ass! That is if there’s anything left of it by the time this night is over.
Biff walks off camera as the crowd applauds.
Sylvia Evergreen: Alright, James, I think we’re go--- wait, did he say, “meet The Mustache Family?”
She looks off camera.
Sylvia Evergreen: Biff!
She scurries away. We go back to Alamo and James.
James Eastwood: Biff certainly seems ready to go, but we’ve got another match before that, and I’m really looking forward to this one. Dean Wolf is the only man left undefeated in this tournament, but tonight he’s facing Bernard Core. Wolf has shown no mercy towards his opponents, but Core is different. Core is the Headmaster of the Core Institute. He’s a man that Wolf has protected like his life depended on it, which may be true considering that Core is the one that helped Wolf kicked his drug and alcohol addictions a few years back. Still, will Wolf try to maim his boss like he has his other opponents, or will he hold back? Or, will Core’s amateur background and technical prowess simply neutralize any offense that Wolf throws at him? There’s a lot of questions surrounding this match. Let’s see what the answers are right now.
“Wing Fortress Zone” by Masato Nakamura plays.
Gordon Gould: This contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, representing the Core Institute, from Albany, NY, weighing in at 225 pounds, Headmaster Bernard Core!
Bernard Core comes out dressed in a full three-piece suit, waving at the crowd and smiling rather smugly.
James Eastwood: What the hell is this? Why is Bernard Core wearing a suit?
Alamo Franklin: He looks like he’s ready for a business meetin’.
Core enters the ring and stands in his corner looking very satisfied.
James Eastwood: He’s up to something, Alamo.
“Of Wolf and Man” by Metallica plays.
Gordon Gould: His opponent, representing the Core Institute, from Albany, NY, weighing in at 212 pounds, Dean Wolf!
Dean Wolf enters the arena, also wearing a three-piece suit. He looks angry as usual, but this time anger accompanied by a bit of defeat. He walks down the ramp just staring straight ahead.
James Eastwood: Him too? Wait a minute, I know what’s going on here. Last week, Sylvia Evergreen asked Wolf straight out if he was going to fight Bernard Core and he didn’t have an answer for her. I think we might have an answer now.
Wolf enters the ring and snatches the microphone out of Gordon Gould’s hand. He stands in the center of the ring.
Dean Wolf: Cut the damn music!
The music stops. He pulls a piece of paper out of his jacket and begins reading from it.
Dean Wolf: “In honor of the work that Headmaster Bernard Core has done to improve the American education system and American society in general…”
The fans boo clamorously. Wolf looks ashamed as he reads the words.
Dean Wolf: “…, for recognition of his supreme athletic abilities…”
More booing.
Dean Wolf: “…, and as a personal token of my gratitude for saving my life from the abyss of drug and alcohol addiction, I hereby forfeit my match tonight against Headmaster Bernard Core.”
There is nuclear heat for this announcement. Wolf can’t even look up at the fans.
Dean Wolf: “Furthermore, Headmaster Core would appreciate if everyone could please rise to their feet and join me in reciting the Core Institute Pledge of Allegiance.”
Even more nuclear heat for this abomination.
James Eastwood: I don’t know about you Alamo, but I am not standing for this. Bernard Core used to recite this bastardization of the United States’ Pledge of Allegiance before his matches in the WCF, and now he’s subjecting The Sixth Dimension to it.
Alamo Franklin: I don’t rise to honor anything except my god damned country.
Two images appear side by side on the arena’s screen. One is of the U.S. flag while the other is the Core Institute’s emblem, a fasces with the words “Omnibus uniformitatem [Uniformity for all]” written under it. Wolf stands at attention with his hand over his heart while Core just stands there to bask in the glory. Dean Wolf begins despite the loud protest of the fans.
Dean Wolf: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the MAN…
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Dean Wolf: …for which it stands, one nation, under Headmaster Core, with STANDARDIZATION and UNIFORMITY for all.
Crowd: BULL-SHIT! BULL-SHIT! BULL-SHIT! BULL-SHIT!
Wolf looks down at the mat. Core comes up from behind him and puts his arm over his shoulder. He grabs the microphone and begins to speak.
The standings graphic appears on screen.
James Eastwood: What a shame.
Bernard Core: Dean Wolf, I just want to thank you for the sacrifice you made today for the Core Institute and the United States of America. You’ve shown that you believe in the ideals of loyalty, filial piety, standardization, and uniformity, ideals that once made America the preeminent superpower throughout this world. And as for the rest of you uncouth Sixth Dimension dummies…
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Bernard Core: …You could take a page out of Dean Wolf’s book and sh---
The crowd starts to cheer. The Core Institute look around to see what’s happening. The cameras pick up the image of Cliff of Doom walking down his ramp. Security quickly comes to block his access to the ring.
James Eastwood: What’s Cliff of Doom doing here? The Handler said at the beginning of the episode that if Cliff or Wolf made physical contact with each other, they’d be disqualified from the tournament. I hope Cliff’s not thinking of risking that.
Wolf throws off his jacket and loosens his tie. Core hides behind him. Cliff gets to the bottom of the ramp and stops, security making a half-circle around him.
Cliff of Doom: You guys can calm down. I’m not here to fight Wolf. I’m just here to observe this pathetic little spectacle that him and his daddy are putting on in front of these fans that paid to see WRESTLING.
The crowd concurs. Wolf sneers.
Cliff of Doom: There he is, ladies and gentlemen, the only man left undefeated in this tournament, and he just gave it away to make Bernard Core happy.
The crowd boos at Wolf.
Cliff of Doom: You know, Wolf…
He snickers a little bit.
Cliff of Doom: I knew this was gonna happen. I fucking knew that this was gonna happen. I can’t even say that I’m surprised. I thought for a second that maybe, just maybe, you’d actually grow a set and fight Bernard Core; but you did exactly what I thought you were going to do. You pussied out and you forfeited. TO HIM of all people. You think he gives a shit about you? Huh? You think he cares about you? He’s been using you. He’s been using you ever since he laid eyes on you. He saw that he could use you to advance his agenda and that’s all he cares about. That’s all he wants from you and you know it! I see it in your eyes all the time. You know that he’s using you and he doesn’t really care about you. He holds over your head the fact that he helped you kick your addictions. He holds that over your head just to keep you in line and get you to do what he wants. And you, you used to be this tough guy, a guy who walked alone, a guy who didn’t get manipulated by people. That’s who you used to be. Now, you’re just a guy wearing a suit, spouting the same bullshit that Bernard Core spouts even though you don’t really believe it. You just do his dirty work and that’s not you. That’s not you at all; but it’s what you’ve become. You know, a lot of people ask me why I give a shit so much about what you do. Some people tell me I should just mind my own business. YOU probably think I should mind my own business.
The camera picks up Dean Wolf mouthing the words “You’re damn right.”
Cliff of Doom: But the problem is…
He stops, as if he’s just thought of something to say but wondering if he should say it.
Cliff of Doom: You know what? Let me share a story with you.
He takes a moment to collect his thoughts before continuing.
Cliff of Doom: October 4, 2015. Does that date ring a bell to you, Wolf?
The mention of the date causes Wolf to leave his fighting stance and stiffen up.
Cliff of Doom: That’s the night of War XIV. That’s the night where you entered the War match at number one, and you lasted over two hours. You eliminated three guys in the span of a minute. You became a star that night and you were only in WCF for one month. You were on everybody’s radar; and you know who was amongst the millions of people watching you that night? Me. I was in my basement apartment with my wife on the couch the day after our wedding watching YOU kick ass in that ring. That performance, what you did in that ring, inspired me to follow my dream and become a professional wrestler; at the age of 30, mind you. I was starting very late in life and a lot of people, my own family and friends, laughed when they found out that I wanted to be a wrestler. They didn’t think that I was living in the real world. Well, I proved them wrong and I made it; but it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t have watched you that night.
His voice becomes more disdainful.
Cliff of Doom: Now, I can’t believe that the guy who changed my life is nothing more than a puppet for that piece of shit cowering behind you.
Bernard Core grows of look of abhorrence but remains still.
Cliff of Doom: Next week, when you and I finally step into the ring and go one-on-one, you better bring your “A” game because I’m bringing mine. And I’ll tell you this: I plan on kicking some GOD DAMN sense into you; and hopefully, when I’m done with you, maybe I’ll have brought the old Wolf back. Maybe, I’ll bring back the guy who inspired me to be what I am today. Just maybe…
He pauses before delivering the final line.
Cliff of Doom: You’ll SEEK THE WOLF IN THYSELF!
The crowd pops.
James Eastwood: Whoooooa! That’s the line from Wolf’s theme song!
Wolf’s seething. His teeth are clenched. He starts moving in Cliff’s direction, but Bernard Core holds him back. Some security guards get in the ring, too, to prevent him from going after Cliff.
Alamo Franklin: I think he just done pissed that man off.
Cliff heads backwards back up the ramp, staring at Wolf the entire time. The camera cuts to Wolf, who is being held back by multiple people now. He’s still seething. We cut back to Cliff, who’s glaring at his adversary.
James Eastwood: These two men have been at each other since the beginning! The tensions are going to boil over next week when they finally go toe to toe in the last match before the finals of this tournament! We’ll be back with our main event: the ladder match for Caleb Ronan’s iPhone!
We get one last shot of each man’s face before fading to commercial.
We come back to a close-up shot of a black bag hanging above the ring.
James Eastwood: Ladies and gentlemen, in that bag contains the prize that Biff Mustache and Caleb Ronan are going to fight for: an iPhone.
We get a shot of the ladder outside the ring.
James Eastwood: And there is the ladder that one of these men has to climb in order to get the phone and win the match.
Alamo Franklin: Oh, not again!
We get a shot of a Sixth Dimension security guard walking down to the ring and stand next to Alamo.
James Franklin: It looks like The Handler is taking extra precautions again to make sure you don’t go after Caleb Ronan.
Alamo looks up at the security guard.
Alamo Franklin: You know, this is a wrestling promotion. Wrestlers are supposed to fight and you guys are doin’ everything to make sure they don’t fight! Well, guess what? You got lucky last week, but if I want to go after the little cumstain tonight, you ain’t stoppin’ me!
James looks grossed out.
James Eastwood: Did you just say “cumstain?”
Alamo Franklin: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Eastwood shakes his head and looks in the camera.
James Eastwood: Let’s look back at how we got to this unique match.
We get a video package that shows Caleb Ronan and his protestors costing Biff his match against Ded Memry, Biff chasing Caleb out of the Sixth Dimension Arena, Biff stealing Caleb’s iPhone, and The Handler announcing the ladder match. When it’s over, we go to Sylvia Evergreen, who is standing with Caleb, who’s looking as sour as ever, in the interview area.
Sylvia Evergreen: I’m here with Caleb Ronan right before he heads out to the ring for tonight’s ladder match. Caleb, has it been hard living without your iPhone for a week?
Caleb Ronan: What do you care?! I bet you and your boyfriend, Biff Mustache, laughed about my pain during one of your many dates this week where the two of you stuffed your faces while starving children in Burundi go to sleep hungry every night!
She stares at him indignantly.
Caleb Ronan: You want to know what it’s been like? You wouldn’t even be able to comprehend what I’ve been through this week. This has literally been the hardest week of my life. I’ve felt so disconnected from the world. I haven’t been able to post, snap, or tweet about all the things that I care about, all the causes that I fight for. How am I supposed to speak out against the rampant materialism of this world without my iPhone X?
Sylvia rolls her eyes.
Caleb Ronan: And you know what’s kept me awake? The thought of that cisgender, white male oppressor asshole posting a picture of his weapon of sexual assault using the Instagram app on my phone!
He starts to tear up as his voice breaks.
Caleb Ronan: If he does that, my credibility as a social activist is over. I might as well be dead like the girl on 13 Reasons Why, the first season of which I watched in one night before anyone else.
Sylvia is already exasperated but she perseveres.
Sylvia Evergreen: If your Instagram account is what you’re worried about, why didn’t you just delete the account before this match. You could have done that from your laptop. You of all people have a laptop, right?
Caleb looks up, a look of horror on his face as if to say, “How didn’t I think of that?” His eye starts to twitch.
Caleb Ronan: Oh my God. I…I have to…I have…I have to get my phone back!
He runs off camera while Sylvia looks on confused by the sudden ending to the interview.
We go back to the ring where Gordon Gould is waiting to make the introductions. The bell rings.
Gordon Gould: This contest is a Ladder Match scheduled for one fall!
The crowd claps.
Gordon Gould: In this contest, the only way to win is to cli---
Caleb Ronan comes running down his ramp.
Alamo Franklin: What the hell is he doin’?!
Caleb grabs the ladder standing outside the ring, folds it up, and slides it in the ring under the bottom rope.
James Eastwood: Whoa! He can’t do that! The match hasn’t even started yet! Biff Mustache isn’t even in the ring yet!
Gordon Gould bolts out of the ring. Caleb stands the ladder up in the middle of the ring and starts to climb. The crowd boos vociferously.
James Eastwood: He’s going to spoil this match for these great fans!
“Da Ya Think I’m Sexy” plays to the cheers of the fans. Biff dashes down his ramp.
James Eastwood: I think we’re about to get a premature start! Heh, premature, kind of like a wet dre--- oh, Jesus, I think Biff is rubbing off on me. Ha, rub--- damn it!
Biff gets in the ring and pulls Caleb off the ladder. The ref calls for the bell.
James Eastwood: We’re off to the races!
Biff slams Caleb’s face into the ladder. Caleb falls, and Biff starts to climb himself. Caleb quickly gets up and pushes the ladder over. Biff’s feet land on the top rope. Caleb runs toward him. He springboards off the rope over Caleb and rolls through on the landing. Both men turn around. They run at each other, but Biff strikes first with a bicycle kick.
James Eastwood: Quick action to start the match.
Biff folds the ladder and holds it in front of him. He charges at Caleb, who ducks. Biff collides with the ropes, the force causing him to drop the ladder to the outside floor. He turns around and gets sent to the mat with a single arm DDT.
James Eastwood: I think that’s the first bit of offense that Caleb has been able to muster up this entire tournament!
Caleb gets Biff into the corner and starts pummeling him with a flurry of rights and lefts, shrieking at him the entire time. He starts raking at his face. His eye begins to twitch.
Caleb Ronan: You want to steal my phone?! YOU WANT TO STEAL MY PHONE?!
James Eastwood: I think we’ve found something that actually motivates Caleb to fight.
Alamo Franklin: It’s about damned time!
Caleb Irish whips Biff into the opposite corner. He charges and hits a corner crossbody, which causes Biff to fall to his ass.
James Eastwood: Alamo, I’ve just gotten word from the back that this is officially Caleb’s longest match in The Sixth Dimension.
Alamo Franklin: Are we going to praise every little accomplishment that he has in this match?
James Eastwood: Well, that’s what hipster millennials are used to.
Alamo Franklin: How ‘bout he wins first? Then I’ll give a shit.
Caleb runs to the opposite corner and then sprints back towards Biff, crushing his face with double knees. Biff collapses on his side.
James Eastwood: I can’t believe the aggressiveness we’re seeing out of Caleb! He’s never fought like this before.
Alamo Franklin: He’s never fought, period.
Caleb stares down at this supine opponent and begins breathing heavily, his chest heaving, his eyes wide.
James Eastwood: Yikes. Caleb is a mad man right now.
Caleb comes off the ropes and baseball slides into Biff, sending him crashing to the outside floor.
James Eastwood: You know, with Caleb’s lack of fighting these past few weeks, we’ve never gotten to see any of his strengths. Look how fast he moves in that ring!
Alamo Franklin: Yeah, imagine if he applied himself and really tried to wrestle a match. Maybe he’d have a chance to win this tournament right now.
Caleb gets Biff to his feet and starts hitting him with right hands. Biff falls back into the ring post. Caleb goes for another punch, but Biff ducks and Caleb punches the ring post. He holds his hand and gives a quick yell in pain. Biff slams his head up against the apron. Caleb falls to the floor. Biff gets him back up and whips him towards the ring post, but Caleb hops up onto the apron and moonsaults down onto Biff.
Crowd: Oooo!
James Eastwood: Look at the agility!
Caleb gets back in the ring. He keeps his gaze on the outside of the ring and waits like a predator ready to attack its prey. When Biff gets to his feet, Caleb runs towards the corner, runs up the ropes, and dives from the top turnbuckle onto Biff.
Crowd: OOOOO!
James Eastwood: What a dive from the top turnbuckle! Caleb is on fire right now! He’s not leaving anything to chance!
Both men stay on the floor for a few seconds. Caleb gets to his feet first and starts walking towards the ladder. Meanwhile, Biff pulls himself up using the ring skirt and rolls into the ring.
Alamo Franklin: Caleb better hurry his ass up if he wants that damned cell phone.
Caleb places the ladder under the bottom rope and into the ring. Biff runs towards the ladder, slides, and kicks it right into Caleb’s chest. Caleb falls to the ground.
Alamo Franklin: What’d I tell you?
Biff heads back outside and whips Caleb into the guardrail. He picks up the ladder and runs towards Caleb with the intention of impaling him, but Caleb moves, runs up the steps, and jumps off the apron with a knee smash to Biff’s face.
James Eastwood: Quick thinking by Caleb.
Caleb picks up the ladder and smashes it three times into Biff’s ribs.
James Eastwood: Right on those ribs that have been injured through most of this tournament!
Caleb props the ladder up against a post and throws Biff into it.
Caleb enters the ring. He reaches over the top turnbuckle and grabs the ladder. He begins pulling it into the ring. Before he can pull it completely over the turnbuckle, Biff hops on the apron and grabs it. Both men pull it back and forth before Caleb pushes with all of his force. Biff falls off the apron. Caleb now is able to pull the entire ladder in. He stands it up but before he has a chance to open it, Biff comes off the top rope and springboard missile dropkicks the ladder right into Caleb.
Biff leans the ladder up against the corner and snap suplexes Caleb right on top of it.
Crowd: Oooo!
Biff sets the ladder up underneath the bag and begins to climb.
Caleb grabs Biff’s leg. Biff kicks him away. Caleb stumbles back a few feet and his kick with a jumping roundhouse off the ladder.
Biff grabs Caleb’s legs and slingshots him into the ladder, but Caleb prevents himself from colliding and starts climbing quickly up the ladder instead.
James Eastwood: There he goes!
Biff follows right after him. He grabs a hold of Caleb’s pants and pulls him down a rung. He lands a forearm in the small of Caleb’s back. With Caleb temporarily stopped by the forearm shot, Biff turns around, grabs Caleb in a fireman’s carry position, and falls to the mat with a rolling fireman’s carry slam.
Crowd: Oooo!
James Eastwood: That’s the advantage of these ladder matches. Moves like that have an extra amount of pain because you can execute them from a higher perch than normal.
Biff and Caleb lay on the mat for half a second. Biff is up first and starts ascending the ladder. Caleb recovers and pulls Biff’s leg through one of the rungs. Biff gets hung up in the tree of woe. Caleb gives him a few right hands to the face. Once Caleb is satisfied, he starts climbing the ladder on the other side.
James Eastwood: Biff better untangle himself quick if he wants to win!
Caleb is almost at the top, but he sees that Biff is pulling himself up and trying to free his leg. Caleb looks at the bag and then looks back at Biff.
James Eastwood: I think he’s wondering if he should go for the bag or go after Biff.
Alamo Franklin: Hell, just go for the phone, dumbass!
Caleb gets a determined look on his face. He steps up one more rung and hops over the top of the ladder, crashing down on Biff with a seated senton. Biff is freed from the ladder but lands on the back of his head.
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
For his trouble Caleb holds his tailbone and writhes in pain on the ground. He pulls the ladder down to the mat in anger. He lays the ladder down in the corner and scoop slams Biff onto it. Picking up Biff aggravates his hurt tailbone. Then, while Biff is still lying on the ladder, Caleb executes a split legged moonsault. He clutches his ribs.
James Eastwood: That move hurt him as well as Biff.
Alamo Franklin: I think he finally learned that wrestlers wrestle even when they’re hurt. They don’t just get to take time off. Maybe there’s hope for the little turd stain.
Biff gets to his feet and is bent over the ladder. Caleb tries to legdrop him into the ladder, but Biff catches him in an electric chair position. He tries to stabilize himself, but Caleb circles his arms backwards. Suddenly, Caleb flips backward and performs an inverted hurricanrana. The top of Biff’s head hits the mat, but he does a 360 and lands on his feet. However, he stumbles backwards and falls through the ropes, his feet getting hooked on the top rope.
Crowd: Oooo!
With Biff in his suspended position, Caleb picks up the ladder and just dumps it over the rope and onto Biff. Biff crashes to the floor.
James Eastwood: Oh my God! Caleb is just totally brutalizing Biff!
Caleb bridges the ladder between the apron and the guardrail. He picks Biff up in a side suplex position and crotches him on the ladder. Biff goes wide-eyed.
James Eastwood: Oh, right on those prized Mustache family jewels! I bet those are about as precious to Biff as the phone is to Caleb.
Alamo Franklin: And he probably gets as much use out of them, too. Sylvia would know.
James Eastwood: Let’s not go there.
Caleb heads back into the ring. He shoots off the ropes, sprints across the ring, and nails Biff with an elbow suicida. Biff tumbles off the ladder to the floor.
James Eastwood: Some fans are actually cheering Caleb’s effort! This match is illuminating a lot of things about Caleb we didn’t know; mainly that he has some talent!
Caleb tries to whip Biff into the ladder, but Biff runs under it. He turns around and is met with a spear by Caleb.
He grabs Biff’s legs and goes to slingshot him into the ladder, but Biff jumps on top of it. Caleb gets up to his feet and Biff sends him down with a blockbuster.
Biff drags Caleb onto the apron. He sets up for a powerbomb.
James Eastwood: Biff’s got some bad intentions here.
Caleb blocks the powerbomb attempt and picks Biff up in a fireman’s carry position instead. Biff drives his elbow into Caleb’s temple over and over again until he breaks free of the hold. Caleb has his back to Biff and holds his head in pain. Biff backs up a few steps, runs forward, and drives Caleb’s chest and torso into the ladder with the Secret ‘Stache. The crowd pops. Caleb bounces off the ladder and falls to the floor.
James Eastwood: This match is like a triple threat match and the ladder is like the third participant. It’s causing as much destruction as these men are causing to each other!
Biff bows to the crowd. He holds the back of his leg, which took some of the impact when he hit the move. He slowly climbs onto the apron and through the ring. He drags the ladder back into the center of the ring. He bends over to pick it up, but as he’s bent over it, Caleb springboards off the top rope and drops an elbow on the back of his head, causing him to go face first into the ladder.
James Eastwood: He calls that the FML-bow.
Alamo Franklin: FM? Like on the radio?
James Eastwood: No, FML is an acronym.
Alamo Franklin: For what?
James Eastwood: Um… “F” My Life.
Alamo Franklin: “Fuck my life?” Jesus, what is wrong with this kid? He even wants his moves to make you feel bad for him.
Caleb picks up the ladder. He waits for Biff to get to his feet. When he does, he charges at him, but Biff leaps and Codebreakers the ladder into Caleb’s chest. He grabs his knees in agony.
James Eastwood: Biff sacrificed his knees to stop Caleb’s offense.
Alamo Franklin: I’ve got knee problems just from wrestling the normal way. He’s gonna have sore knees way before I ever did if he does things like that.
James Eastwood: Matches like this will shorten anybody’s career. You can’t avoid injuries when a ladder is involved.
Biff sets up the ladder and tries to climb. Caleb gets up and pulls him down, sending him into the ladder with a reverse STO. He whips Biff into the ropes, picks him up, and flapjacks him into the ladder. The ladder topples over.
James Eastwood: That’s gonna leave some bruises on his face.
Alamo Franklin: Sylvia won’t mind. My scars never bothered no ring rats.
James Eastwood: Sylvia is not a ring rat!
Alamo Franklin: Whatever you say, Eastwood.
With Biff in a supine position, Caleb folds up the ladder and bashes Biff’s knees with it. Then, he lays the ladder down, opens it up, and puts Biff knees between the rails. He proceeds to open and slam the ladder down onto Biff’s knees three times. Biff writhes around on the mat in pain.
James Eastwood: Injured knees are going to make it harder to climb up that ladder, if Biff even has a chance to do so at this point.
Caleb sets up the ladder over Biff and begins to climb.
James Eastwood: Now this is smart. He’s trying to keep Biff pinned on the mat so that he has no chance of stopping him.
Caleb is on the second to last rung and reaches for the bag.
Alamo Franklin: Jesus Christ, kid! It’s not that hard to figure out! Climb up one more rung! Idiot!
James Eastwood: You want Caleb to win?
Alamo Franklin: Hell no, but I can’t help myself when I see someone who’s on the verge of winnin’ not use any common god damn sense!
While Caleb reaches, Biff starts pushing the bottom rung of the ladder with his arms. The crowd starts to rise.
James Eastwood: My God, look at that strength! That’s all those steaks and protein shakes Mama Mustache used to serve him!
Biff growls as he continues to push the ladder forward. Caleb continues to reach for the bag but it’s futile. He holds the ladder and tries to brace himself. As the ladder completes its fall, Caleb jumps off the ladder and gets crotched on the top turnbuckle. The crowd pops.
Alamo Franklin: Right on his cooter!
James Eastwood: That’s gotta h--- wait, what?
Alamo Franklin: You really believe he’s got a pair of balls between his legs?
Biff picks up the ladder in a vertical position and runs it into Caleb. Caleb leans back but swings his arms forward to avoid falling off the turnbuckle. Biff hits him a second time. Caleb almost falls but he’s able to stay up. Biff takes some extra steps back and runs, but this time, Caleb gets his hand through the rung and somehow is able to poke Biff in the eye.
James Eastwood: I don’t know if that was intentional or not, but that sure as hell was a desperation move by Caleb.
Biff lets go of the ladder and stumbles back, holding his eye. Caleb grabs the ladder, stands on the turnbuckle, jumps off, and sends the ladder collapsing onto Biff. Biff holds the back of his head.
Caleb opens the ladder up in the corner. He begins to ascend it.
James Eastwood: Wait, what’s he thinking about here?
Alamo Franklin: Kid, the phone’s in the middle of the ring!
James Eastwood: I don’t think he’s going for the phone!
The crowd begins to rise again. They sense something big about to happen. Caleb gets to the top rung and looks around the arena, then down at Caleb. He gets a determined look on his face and decides to climb all the way to the top. The crowd gets even louder.
James Eastwood: This is as high risk as high risk gets, folks!
Caleb steadies himself and takes to the air, corkscrewing and flipping until the full force of his body comes crashing down on Biff.
James Eastwood: PHOENIX SPLASH!!!
Caleb clutches his ribs.
Alamo Franklin: Alright, I’ll admit it, he does have a pair of balls. Maybe not a brain between his ears, but he’s got balls.
Crowd: THIS IS AWESOME: clap clap clap clap clap: THIS IS AWESOME :clap clap clap clap clap:
James Eastwood: These fans appreciate what these men are doing in this ring. And for an iPhone! Amazing!
Caleb gets up and tries to drag the ladder to the center of the ring with one hand while still clutching his ribs with the other. He stops for a second and falls to one knee before continuing.
James Eastwood: I think he knocked the wind out of himself with that Phoenix Splash!
He finally positions the ladder and climbs slowly, still clutching his ribs.
James Eastwood: He’s got to hurry up. Biff’s starting to stir.
Caleb continues to painstakingly move up the structure.
James Eastwood: He’s on the top rung! He’s got his hand on the bag! He’s trying to get it off the hook.
While Caleb struggles, Biff starts closing the spreader bars. Caleb starts to feel himself lose his balance and grabs on to the bag. Biff completely folds the ladder and starts to pull it.
James Eastwood: Biff’s trying to pull the ladder out from under Caleb’s feet, but Caleb’s got his feet hooked on to it! He’s not letting go!
Biff continues to try and jerk the ladder away from Caleb but it’s no use. He lets go, looks around the ringside area for a second, and then gets an idea. He hops through the ropes and to the outside.
James Eastwood: Caleb has got a vice-like grip on that bag and is using the ladder to support himself while he hangs in the air; but even if he’s able to stabilize that ladder, he won’t be able to open it up with his feet! Wait, what’s Biff doing?!
Biff pulls out a second ladder and the crowd roars.
James Eastwood: That’s the standby ladder that is kept under the ring just in case the first ladder breaks! Now, Biff is bringing it into the ring!
Biff sets up the ladder just outside the center of the ring and starts climbing. Caleb lets go of the first ladder and starts trying to swing himself towards the standby ladder. He’s able to get his feet onto one of the rungs. When he’s steady, he lets go of the bag. Both men are at the top of the ladder and start going punch for punch. Biff finally grabs Caleb in the back of the head and smashes his face into the top of the ladder. Caleb is stunned, giving Biff the opportunity to get his arm around Caleb’s neck. The fans, who are now unanimously on their feet, start to get louder in anticipation for what will happen next. Biff grabs the waist of Caleb’s pants and lifts.
James Eastwood: THE PLEASURE CENTER!!!
Biff and Caleb drop off the ladder, with Biff driving Caleb’s neck and shoulders into the mat 15 feet below. The crowd goes absolutely apeshit.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Caleb is laid out while Biff bounces on the mat in pain, specifically in his legs and tailbone.
James Eastwood: MY GOD! In The Sixth Dimension, we call that move The Pleasure Center, but in Japan, it’s called the Emerald Flowsion! However, when it starts out in a vertical suplex position like Biff just did it, it’s called the Emerald Flowsion Kai, so I guess we can call what Biff did The Pleasure Center Kai! And he did it from the top of a 15-foot-high ladder! Caleb could be paralyzed!
Alamo Franklin: The only thing that matters right now is that Biff not waste time and get up that ladder!
Biff pulls the ladder more under the bag and starts to climb.
James Eastwood: He’s halfway up! Caleb isn’t moving!
The crowd’s volume goes up with every step he takes.
James Eastwood: He’s almost there!
Caleb turns over on his stomach. He helplessly puts one hand on the ladder and raises the other one, as if he were hoping that his arm would suddenly extend 15 feet and prevent Biff from retrieving the phone.
James Eastwood: Biff’s got his hand on the bag!
Biff unhooks it.
James Eastwood: HE GOT IT!
The bell rings and the crowd becomes unglued. Biff holds the bag in the air. “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy” begins to play.
Gordon Gould: The winner of this contest, and sole possessor of the iPhone, Biff Mustache!
James Eastwood: What a hell of a contest! Both men brutalized each other and fought tooth and nail for that phone! Caleb was so close towards the end but Biff, who, to be honest, isn’t known for his smarts, thought quickly and grabbed the standby ladder, which drew Caleb in and allowed Biff to hit that devastating Pleasure Center Kai! Still, you can’t take anything away from Caleb Ronan tonight, Alamo. We saw a different type of Caleb Ronan, a more determined and vicious Caleb Ronan, the Caleb Ronan you’ve been wanting to see ever since this tournament began.
Alamo Franklin: I don’t like the son of a bitch, but I’ll tip my cap to him. Tonight, he decided to step up and fight for something, even if I wish he cared more about fighting for a title rather than his stupid phone.
The standings graphic appears on screen.
James Eastwood: Although both men were mathematically out of the running for the finals of this tournament and this match had the added stipulation of a ladder, it was still a tournament match and will go down in the record books as such. Biff finishes this tournament with a 2-3 record while Caleb Ronan was swept by all five of his opponents. Still, I think tonight’s performance makes up for all his previous, underwhelming efforts. Hang on a sec. I think Biff is calling for Gordon Gould.
Biff motions for Gould to throw him a microphone. Gould obliges, and the music cuts off.
Biff Mustache: OH YEAH!
Some in the crowd shout “OH YEAH” back to him.
Biff Mustache: The Biffster has won the ladder match, and now it’s time for the real main event of the evening- a pic- OF MY DICK!
Caleb is now on his knees at the bottom of the ladder. The camera picks him up looking up at Biff with his hands folded and mouthing the words “Please don’t.”
The crowd cheers.
Biff Mustache: Let me find that Instagram app. There it is. Alright! Everybody, go to Instagram right now and find @calebronan6d.
The fans start pulling out their phones. Caleb’s eye starts to twitch rapidly.
James Eastwood: I know this was the whole reason why Biff wanted the phone, but maybe he should be a gracious winner and just walk out with the victory. I don’t know if I necessarily agree with rubbing the loss in Caleb’s face, especially after the performance that Caleb put on.
Alamo Franklin: To the victor goes the spoils, Eastwood.
James Eastwood: I know, it’s just that…I’ve got a bad feeling. I can’t explain why. I just have a bad feeling.
Biff Mustache: Everybody there?
The muscles throughout Caleb’s entire body start to noticeably contract as he slowly gets to his feet. He begins to snarl like a guard dog facing an intruder. Biff pulls the crotch of his banana hammock out and looks down at his penis.
Biff Mustache: Whoa! Lil’ Stiffy Biffy is ready for his close-up!
He positions the phone’s camera lens.
Biff Mustache: Here we go!
We can see the flash go off in his banana hammock. Caleb begins to sweat profusely. He starts pulling at his face like a mentally disturbed person. Biff holds up the phone.
Biff Mustache: And now it’s time for my Lyndon Veins Johnson to be debuted for the entire world to see, courtesy of Caleb Bonin’s Instagram account!
Caleb starts to shake.
Biff Mustache: And a 1, and a 2, and 3.
He hits a button.
Biff Mustache: Alright! Uploaded!
The fans start to get louder and cheer as more and more of them see the picture. Some of the women even gasp. Caleb is so tightly wound that he looks like he’s about to literally combust.
Biff Mustache: Oh yeah, you know it! Hey, can we get the picture on all the screens here in the arena?
After a few seconds, the picture pops up on all the screens in the Sixth Dimension Arena. The crowd roars in approval. Biff laughs.
James Eastwood: That is another man’s penis being broadcast all over the entire world. In all my years of broadcasting, I never thought I would see that.
Alamo Franklin: God damn, that kid is hung like a bronco!
He gives Biff a standing ovation. The security guard claps as well.
James Eastwood: Wait, what the hell is going on with Caleb?
Caleb’s muscles start tearing through his clothes. He holds on to one of the ladder’s rungs for support, but it breaks off under his strength. The lights in the arena start to flicker and the building starts to shake a little bit.
James Eastwood: Are we having an earthquake?!
Biff holds on to the top of the ladder. Many of the fans start to panic. Meanwhile, Caleb continues to rapidly grow out of his clothes. His hair starts to grow long, and a beard starts to quickly form on his face. Some of the lights in the arena start to blow.
Alamo Franklin: This ain’t no earthquake! This is some other-worldly shit goin’ on right here!
Caleb looks straight up and roars with both arms stretched out.
Caleb Ronan: I’M OFFENDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The building stops shaking. The lights stop flickering. Every face in the arena is now directed towards the monster standing in the center of the ring. The building is near silent. Eastwood’s voice is subtle and disbelieving.
James Eastwood: My God. What-is-that?
Biff looks on in shock at the new behemoth directly below him. Caleb looks up at the man who has caused him so much agony and with the suddenness of a bullet, pushes the ladder out from under Biff. Biff falls but Caleb catches him, throws him up in the arm, and hammers him into the mat with a World’s Strongest Slam. The horrified shrieks roll throughout the arena.
James Eastwood: Oh my God! He may have broken his back!
Caleb looks at his hands and the rest of his body. He can’t believe the newfound strength that he suddenly possesses. He looks at the ladder, folds it up, and throws it to the ground.
James Eastwood: What’s he doing now?!
Caleb picks up Biff and drives his ribs into the ladder with a Dominator.
James Eastwood: Is this monster Caleb Ronan?! Has he transformed before our eyes?!
Caleb looks at the crowd and roars.
James Eastwood: If that is Caleb, he looks like he’s shaken off all the damage from the ladder match!
The crowd begins to cheer.
James Eastwood: It’s Cliff of Doom!
Cliff runs down his ramp and slides into the ring. He charges at Caleb, who attempts a clothesline. Cliff ducks, turns around, and goes for a superkick, but Caleb catches his foot, spins him around, clutches his throat, and sends him to the mat with a one-handed chokeslam.
James Eastwood: What power!
Caleb lifts Cliff up in a gorilla press and dumps him to the outside floor.
James Eastwood: Cliff fell like a stack of bricks! He must have fallen fifteen feet down to the floor, and those protective mats aren’t pillows!
Caleb looks around, thinking of what destruction he can commit next.
James Eastwood: Oh God, what now? What else could this beast do?
Caleb takes one of the ladders and bridges it between the ring and the guardrail.
Alamo Franklin: I don’t care if that little shit’s got some muscles now! He’s still a bitch and a sore loser to boot! I’m sick of his bullshit! All the respect I just gained for him is gone! I’m puttin’ an end to this once and for all!
Alamo stands up. The security guard tries to hold him back, but Alamo punches him out. The crowd cheers. Alamo steps out from behind the table and marches Caleb’s way.
James Eastwood: Alamo, no, don’t!
Alamo stops a few feet from Caleb. Caleb senses Alamo’s presence and turns around to see his mortal enemy. The crowd wants this confrontation.
Crowd: YES! YES! YES! YES!
Alamo grits his teeth and runs at Caleb. He races towards him and wildly throws rights and lefts. The crowd explodes, but their cheers are in vain as Caleb grabs the collar of Alamo’s shirt, spins, and throws him into the guardrail.
James Eastwood: OH GOD, NO!
Caleb picks Alamo up off the floor by the collar, spins the other direction, and throws him into the guardrail again. He keeps a hold on Alamo and repeats the attack five more times.
James Eastwood: HE’S A 62-YEAR-OLD MAN! YOU’RE GOING TO KILL HIM!!!
On the last throw, he lets go and allows Alamo to crash wildly into barrier. Alamo is out cold.
James Eastwood: CAN WE GET MEDICAL ATTENTION OUT HERE?!? IS ANYBODY BACK THERE?!? IS ANYBODY GOING TO STOP THIS MONSTER?!?
Caleb looks down at Alamo and shouts at him with his sonorous voice.
Caleb Ronan: THAT’S THE LAST TIME YOU EVER PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME!
He looks back into the ring and sees Biff, who’s having trouble just getting on his hands and knees. He climbs back into the ring and grabs Biff by the hair.
James Eastwood: You’ve done enough! No more! Come on!
Caleb starts climbing the turnbuckles, dragging Biff up with him. He flips Biff onto his shoulder and finishes his climb to the top.
James Eastwood: What the hell is he thinking here?! What could this merciless beast possibly do?!
Caleb lifts Biff over his head in a cross position.
James Eastwood: No. Don’t tell me. He can’t! He’s not going to…
Caleb steps off the turnbuckle. As he falls to the floor, he tosses Biff in the air and sends him crashing through the ladder. Biff’s head hits hard on the outside floor, instantly knocking him out. The crowd shrieks in horror.
James Eastwood: OH MY GOD!!! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE!!! CALEB RONAN, OR WHOEVER THIS MONSTER IS, POWERBOMBED BIFF MUSTACHE FROM THE TOP TURNBUCKLE TO THE OUTSIDE THROUGH A LADDER!!! BIFF IS OUT!!! PLEASE!!! SOMEBODY SEND SOME GOD DAMNED MEDICAL ATTENTION OUT HERE NOW!!!
Caleb looks at the devastation he’s caused. He looks down at his hands again, widening his eyes at the realization of his own power. The crowd boos.
James Eastwood: Who is this man?
Caleb turns around and heads up his ramp. Referees, security, medical personnel, and even The Handler finally come to ringside to attend to the injured men at ringside. Cliff of Doom is seen crawling towards Biff’s unconscious body.
James Eastwood: Ladies and gentlemen, I—I’ve never---
The sound of Eastwood throwing his headset down can be heard. He runs to Alamo and tends to him. Two stretchers are wheeled out. EMTs try to help Cliff to his feet but he pushes them away so he can help Biff. Sylvia Evergreen runs down to ringside and kneels beside Biff, holding his hand. She’s almost on the verge of tears.
Caleb gets to the top of his ramp and looks back at the carnage. He smiles, but that smile quickly becomes a sneer. He turns around and walks through the curtain.
The EMTs put neck braces on Biff and Alamo and get them on the stretchers. They’re wheeled up the ramp. Cliff and Eastwood comfort Sylvia as they accompany her up the ramp behind the stretchers. Cliff is noticeably limping even as he supports Sylvia. There’s a hush over the crowd. Alamo’s stretcher goes through the curtain first. The lost shot we see is of Biff, his neck stabilized by a brace, his eyes closed, and no emotion on his unconscious face, as he’s pushed through the curtain.
The show fades to black.
The Handler: Good evening. Before we start tonight’s show, I wanted to take a second and make the following announcement: due to the brawl that took place at the end of last week’s show, and other incidents that have occurred these past few weeks, I hereby ban Dean Wolf and Cliff of Doom from having any further physical contact until their match next week here in The Sixth Dimension. If either, or even both, of these men engage in any physical contact before their match next week, they will both be disqualified from the tournament. Thank you and enj---
The sound of someone barging in can be heard. Caleb Ronan comes in view.
Caleb Ronan: Handler, I have to talk to you about tonight.
The Handler: Caleb, can’t you see I’m in the mid---
Caleb Ronan: How dare you put my iPhone, MY PROPERTY, on the line in a ladder match?! That’s MY phone! It was stolen from me and it belongs in MY hands! I haven’t been able to post anything on Instagram or Snap for a week! Do you know what it’s like not to be connected for SEVEN DAYS?!
The Handler: Hey, you brought that phone into your place of work, which I own! Frankly, I should have ordered you to keep that iPhone in the locker room the entire time! Alamo Franklin’s right. Thirty years ago, if you came down to the ring while you were on your phone, you would have been out on the street faster than you could tag someone in one of your stupid posts! The way I see it, I’ve been letting you take time away from me and my promotion and now you’re going to give it back in this ladder match; so, if you want your phone back so badly, you better beat Biff Mustache tonight!
Caleb’s eye starts to twitch. He heaves, a little spit coming out of his mouth.
Caleb Ronan: I’m offended!
He storms out. The Handler just looks on and shakes his head before looking back at the camera.
The Handler: Enjoy the show, everyone.
The title sequence of the show plays and we cut to a shot of the Sixth Dimension Arena. Pyro goes off one by one from each entrance ramp. The cameras pan the audience. Some fans are cheering, some are screaming into the camera, and some are holding signs. “The Heretic Anthem” by Slipknot plays throughout this introduction.
James Eastwood: We’re getting ever closer to finding out who will compete in the finals for the Sixth Dimension Championship and an unusual prize will be literally up for grabs!
Eastwood and Alamo Franklin appear on-screen sitting behind their broadcast table.
James Eastwood: Hello, everyone! I’m James Eastwood, and next to me is the man who has been my partner throughout this tournament, Mr. Alamo Franklin! Alamo, we’ve got a big show tonight. Cliff of Doom is taking on Ded Memry, Dean Wolf and Bernard Core are finally going to face each other, and in our main event, Biff Mustache and Caleb Ronan will compete in the Sixth Dimension’s first ever ladder match, and it’s for Caleb Ronan’s iPhone.
Alamo Franklin: I can’t believe that we live in a day and age when two grown men are fightin’ over a phone, but I guess that’s just the way it is. Still, I hope Biff Mustache knocks the little dipshit’s teeth out of his face with the ladder.
James Eastwood: It should be an exciting night of action, so let’s get started right away. Gordon Gould, take it away!
“Dead Memories” by Slipknot plays. Most people in the crowd cheer.
Gordon Gould: This contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from parts unknown, weight unknown, Ded Memry!
Ded marches down to the ring without even acknowledging the fans. He enters under the bottom rope, stomps around the ring, and then paces back and forth in his corner.
James Eastwood: Ded had one hell of a war last week against Dean Wolf.
A replay from last week’s match plays.
Alamo Franklin: This was brawlin’ like they did back in my day. Theses sons of bitches beat up the refs, fought in the crowd; it really brought me back to the days when men weren’t afraid to beat each other half to death.
James Eastwood: Wolf was successful in that match but Ded is determined to get back on track; but he’s going to have a tough challenge with Cliff of Doom, who recovered from that unjust loss to Bernard Core by beating Caleb Ronan last week.
“No Leaf Clover” by Metallica plays. The crowd unanimously cheers.
Gordon Gould: His opponent, from Selden, NY, weighing in at 218 pounds, Cliff of Doom!
Cliff yells at the top of the ramp. He walks down the aisle, enters the ring, stands on the second rope, and lets out another scream as Kirk Hammett’s solo begins.
James Eastwood: These two got into it during that brawl at the end of last week’s episode. Cliff of Doom was going after Dean Wolf, but I guess Ded figured he’d get some early licks in on Cliff ahead of tonight’s match.
The ref calls for the bell. Ded charges at Cliff, but Cliff rolls forward and avoids getting pummeled. Ded quickly turns around and charges again but Cliff does another roll through. Ded turns around and takes a Pele kick to the top of his head.
James Eastwood: Cliff has been studying Ded. He knows Ded likes to go for the quick attack.
Cliff sends Ded off the ropes but it’s reversed. Ded runs at Cliff and hits a jumping knee lift. He gets Cliff to his feet and punches him before sending him off the ropes. Cliff reverses the whip but Ded holds on to the ropes. Cliff runs at him and his backdropped over the top rope. However, Cliff lands on the apron. Ded turns around and Cliff sends him to the mat with a springboard blockbuster. He covers.
1…
2…
Ded kicks out and Cliff instantly traps him in a chinlock. The hold doesn’t last long as Ded gets to his feet and elbows his way out. He whips Cliff towards the ropes but it’s reversed. Cliff attempts a double front leg dropkick but Ded catches him and slingshots him over the top rope. Cliff hangs on to the top rope and skins the cat. Ded tries to stop the attempt but Cliff headscissors him to the outside floor.
James Eastwood: That’s one way to send your opponent to the outside.
Cliff is still holding on to the top rope and pulls himself back into the ring. He gets to the center, psyches the crowd up, comes off the ropes, runs across the ring, and flies over the top rope.
James Eastwood: CLIFF DIVE!
Cliff crashes on top of Ded and the crowd goes wild. Cliff gets up and yells, prompting some in the crowd to answer back with yells of their own. He wastes no time in draping Ded over the apron and goes for a springboard apron legdrop. Ded moves out of the way. At the last second, Cliff avoids smacking his leg on the exposed edge of the apron. He shoots back up on the apron. Ded is back on his feet in the ring. He turns around and catches Cliff trying to springboard off the top rope, so he trips him up. Cliff lands stomach first on the rope and hangs on it like a wet piece of laundry on a clothesline. Ded grabs him in a front facelock and pulls him so that only his feet are hanging on the rope. Then, he impales Cliff on the mat with an elevated DDT.
Crowd: Oooo!
James Eastwood: Did you see the impact on that?!
Alamo Franklin: He landed on his head harder than a 747 fallin’ from the sky.
He covers.
1…
2…
Cliff kicks out with a glazed over look on his face. Ded drags him by his hair and throws him out of the opposite end of the ring.
Ded snap suplexes Cliff on the floor. Cliff yawps out in pain. Ded walks to the far ring post and climbs on the apron.
James Eastwood: What is he thinking about here?
Ded sprints, leaps, and crushes Cliff with a flying elbow drop, Cactus Jack style.
James Eastwood: My God, a flying elbow from the apron to the floor!
Alamo Franklin: This son of a bitch is crazy! He don’t care about his own damn well-being, and I kind of admire that, even though he’s gonna need a hip replacement after doin’ something like that.
Ded continues the beating by throwing Cliff into the guardrail. He props a seated Cliff up against the guardrail and connects with a running knee smash. Cliff collapses on his side and looks like he’s seeing stars.
James Eastwood: A lot of punishment to that head!
The ref begins a 10 count. Ded rolls back into the ring. He paces frantically back and forth in the ring, like he can’t contain his own energy. Cliff starts to stir. Ded tries to go back outside but the ref stops him and re-starts the count.
James Eastwood: Ded won’t be satisfied until Cliff is out like a light.
Alamo Franklin: Nor should he be.
By 7, Cliff is back on his feet. Ded does an end-around and goes back to the floor. He clobbers him with a double axe handle to the back of the neck. Cliff falls to his hands and knees. Ded gets a hold of the guardrail and starts dropping knees on Cliff’s back. The ref gets in Ded’s face and tells him to take it back in the ring. Ded raises his hand to the ref and the ref books it back into the ring.
James Eastwood: I think the refs learned from last week to just stay out of Ded’s way.
Ded scoops Cliff up and drapes him over his shoulder. He runs towards the ring post but Cliff escapes and pushes Ded face first into it.
James Eastwood: Cliff just bought himself a little breathing room.
Ded falls to his knees. Cliff takes a breather before deciding on his next plan of attack. When Ded gets back on his feet, Cliff 619s around the post drives his knees right into Ded’s face and chest.
Following Ded’s example, Cliff doesn’t give him any time to recover. He throws Ded head first into the steel steps.
He picks up the enigma and slams his head into the guardrail. Ded is slumped over the barrier while Cliff walks all the way to the opposite corner. Then, he darts towards Ded and missile dropkicks him into the timekeeper’s area! Ded flies back into the timekeeper, who falls backward in his chair. Luckily, Gordon Gould is there to prevent the timekeeper from falling all the way back.
James Eastwood: Last week, the fans and refs were in danger! Now this week, it’s our timekeeper Eddie McGaw and our ring announcer Gordon Gould!
Cliff climbs up on the apron. Ded makes it back to his feet. Cliff runs and jumps, hoping to hit a hurricanrana, but Ded catches him, runs, and throws him into the ring post.
Crowd: Ooooo!
James Eastwood: How can he recover from that?! His neck and head were launched into that metal ring post!
Ded lets out a yell of ecstatic satisfaction and swiftly rolls Cliff back into the ring under the bottom rope. He starts dropping knees to the back of Cliff’s neck like they were bombs being dropped on Dresden. He stomps around the ring before standing in the corner, heaving and waiting for the right time to strike.
Cliff makes it back up to his hands and knees. Ded tromps over to him and sets him up for a piledriver.
Ded picks Cliff straight up and drives his head into the mat. He covers.
1…
2…
2 ½…
Kickout!
James Eastwood: Amazing!
Alamo Franklin: Cliff is showin’ me right here that he’s as tough a son of a bitch as Ded or Wolf!
The crowd can’t believe Cliff survived all the punishment to his neck and head. Ded gets in the referee’s face and starts berating him, even grabbing his shirt. The ref knocks his hands away from him and warns Ded that he’ll be disqualified, all the while still looking a little terrified.
While Cliff struggles to get to his feet, Ded stands over him, his arms raised, preparing to do something sinister to them. When he’s ready, Ded traps Cliff in the sleeperhold.
James Eastwood: Memory Loss coming up!
Before Ded even has a chance to sweep the leg, Cliff drops down and pins Ded in a victory roll.
1…
2…
Ded kicks out and both men waste no time in getting to their feet. Ded goes for a big boot but Cliff grabs the foot, spins Ded around, and executes a belly to belly wheelbarrow facebuster.
Cliff comes off the ropes and squashes his adversary with a double foot/senton splash combination. He goes to the apron and signals that he’s going to take to the air.
James Eastwood: High risk maneuver coming up!
He springboards off the top rope with a 450 but Ded moves. Cliff rolls through the landing and knocks Ded silly with a super kick. However, Ded doesn’t fall. He wobbles around. Cliff finishes the job with a handspring back elbow.
Cliff whips his finger in the air, signaling that it’s time for one of his finishers.
He scoops up Ded.
James Eastwood: He’s going for the Doomstone!
Ded wiggles his legs, causing Cliff to lose his balance and not get the move in place. Ded escapes and pushes Cliff into the corner chest first. Cliff stumbles out into the center of the ring. Ded goes for a one-handed bulldog, but Cliff catches him and turns it into a Blue Thunderbomb! He goes for the cover.
1…
2…
Ded kicks out, but Cliff keeps on him with an Oklahoma roll.
1…
2…
Another kickout, and Cliff tries a move this time. He hooks the leg and tries a corkscrew neckbreaker, but Ded escapes Cliff’s clutches, kicks him in the gut, and sets up for another piledriver.
Cliff sweeps both legs and Ded falls to the mat.
James Eastwood: NO LEAF CLOVER!
Cliff has the submission hold locked on tight. Ded crawls to the ropes, slowly. Cliff yells “Tap!” as the man from parts unknown creeps closer and closer to the ropes. Most fans want to see the tap, but some fans are encouraging Ded to get the rope break.
James Eastwood: A competitor like Ded Memry won’t tap that easily.
Ded finally makes it to the ropes. Cliff keeps the hold on until the ref gets to four. He releases but pulls Ded to the center of the ring again. He crosses the shin and the knee and goes to turn Ded onto his stomach. Ded prevents this and instead moves his body quickly in the opposite direction, causing Cliff to release the leg and flip onto his back.
Both men race to their feet. Ded tackles Cliff into the corner and drives his shoulder in his stomach repeatedly.
He lifts Cliff and sits him on the top rope. He sets him up for a Muscle Buster. He lifts Cliff up and turns around. He starts to run towards the middle of the ring, but Cliff wiggles free from Ded’s grip, lands on his feet, and seamlessly lifts Ded for a gourdbuster GTS.
James Eastwood: DOOMERANG!!!
The crowd pops. Cliff covers. The crowd counts along.
1…
2…
3…
The ref calls for the bell.
Gordon Gould: The winner of this contest, Cliff of Doom!
Cliff gets to his feet as he holds his neck. The ref raises his hand.
James Eastwood: And just like that, it’s over! Cliff is very good at countering his opponents. That was just another example right there. He got out of that Muscle Buster and put himself in the perfect position to land that Doomerang.
Ded Memry rolls out the ring.
The standings graphic appears on screen.
James Eastwood: Cliff of Doom picks up his third win and puts himself into a good position before his final match next week against Dean Wolf. Ded Memry, on the other hand, is slipping further into the loss column and has put his chances of making the finals into danger.
Cliff stands on the ropes and poses for the fans, clapping in appreciation for them. He goes up the aisle and through the curtain, posing one more time before exiting. The music stops and we see Ded Memry pacing around on the outside floor in front of the broadcast table.
James Eastwood: Ded is clearly frustrated by the loss.
Alamo Franklin: Any true competitor would be.
He suddenly snaps and starts pounding on the table, startling Eastwood and even Alamo a little bit. He walks angrily away, tearing at his mask as he heads up his ramp.
James Eastwood: He knows that his chance of taking that mask off is quickly slipping away. Before last week, he was 2-0. Suddenly, he’s one loss away from being eliminated from this tournament and serving this self-imposed sentence of having to wear that mask in perpetuity.
Ded walks back through the curtain as the show fades to black and we go to a commercial.
We come back to a shot of James Eastwood and Alamo Franklin at the broadcast table.
James Eastwood: Welcome back to The Sixth Dimension. Before our next match, let’s go to Sylvia Evergreen, who’s backstage with one half of tonight’s ladder match, Biff Mustache.
We got a shot of Sylvia Evergreen standing alongside Biff in the backstage interview area. The crowd cheers.
Sylvia Evergreen: Thanks, James. Biff, any final thoughts before your ladder match with Caleb Ronan later tonight?
Biff Mustache: Well, Everbabes, before The Biffster says anything about that, I wanted to give you this.
He pulls out a pair of panties from his banana hammock.
Biff Mustache: You left these in my hotel room last night.
She quickly pulls them out of his hands.
Sylvia Evergreen: What the hell is wrong with you?! Why didn’t you give these to me before? You had to wait until we were on camera?!
Biff Mustache: Um…well…I…um…forgot until now.
Sylvia Evergreen: And what did I say about you calling me “Everbabes.” My name is Sylvia. Syl-vi-a. Can you say that?
Biff Mustache: I know you can say MY name. You were saying it last night over and over again. OH YEAH!
She folds her arms and gives him a stern look. He sheepishly corrects himself.
Biff Mustache: Sorry, Sylvia. But you gotta admit, you’ve been having a good time on these dates.
She softens her face and cracks a smile.
Sylvia Evergreen: Yeah, it’s been a good time.
Biff Mustache: Oh yeah, The Biffster’s still got it!
Sylvia Evergreen: Yes, you do, but let’s get back to my question: do you have anything to say about tonight’s ladder match?
Biff Mustache: The Biffster has never been short- not in my pants and not on words. That pussbag Caleb Ronan cost me the chance of making it to the finals of this tournament just when I was starting to get something going. And for what? For money? Because he doesn’t like the way The Biffster lives? People have always criticized The Biffster because of the way he lives, but most people were smart enough to stay out of the Biffster’s business for fear of getting a beating worse than what I do to my purple headed yogurt slinger! Well, Caleb wasn’t smart enough, so tonight, I’m just gonna take that ladder and I’m going to shove it up his butt!
The crowd cheers.
Biff Mustache: Then I’ll put it out of his bunghole, climb it, grab that iPhone, and use it to take a pic…of my dick!
The crowd cheers again.
Sylvia Evergreen: Don’t you think that’s taking things just a bit far?
Biff Mustache: Everb--- er, Sylvia, when you finally meet The Mustache Family, one thing you’re going to learn is that we always take things way too far, and tonight’s going to be no different. Caleb Ronan’s gonna pay for costing me this tournament, and he’s gonna pay by having a picture of my beef bayonet posted to his Instagram account so that all his little Social Justice Warriors that follow him can get offended and protest HIS craft beer-drinking, hipster douchebag ass! That is if there’s anything left of it by the time this night is over.
Biff walks off camera as the crowd applauds.
Sylvia Evergreen: Alright, James, I think we’re go--- wait, did he say, “meet The Mustache Family?”
She looks off camera.
Sylvia Evergreen: Biff!
She scurries away. We go back to Alamo and James.
James Eastwood: Biff certainly seems ready to go, but we’ve got another match before that, and I’m really looking forward to this one. Dean Wolf is the only man left undefeated in this tournament, but tonight he’s facing Bernard Core. Wolf has shown no mercy towards his opponents, but Core is different. Core is the Headmaster of the Core Institute. He’s a man that Wolf has protected like his life depended on it, which may be true considering that Core is the one that helped Wolf kicked his drug and alcohol addictions a few years back. Still, will Wolf try to maim his boss like he has his other opponents, or will he hold back? Or, will Core’s amateur background and technical prowess simply neutralize any offense that Wolf throws at him? There’s a lot of questions surrounding this match. Let’s see what the answers are right now.
“Wing Fortress Zone” by Masato Nakamura plays.
Gordon Gould: This contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, representing the Core Institute, from Albany, NY, weighing in at 225 pounds, Headmaster Bernard Core!
Bernard Core comes out dressed in a full three-piece suit, waving at the crowd and smiling rather smugly.
James Eastwood: What the hell is this? Why is Bernard Core wearing a suit?
Alamo Franklin: He looks like he’s ready for a business meetin’.
Core enters the ring and stands in his corner looking very satisfied.
James Eastwood: He’s up to something, Alamo.
“Of Wolf and Man” by Metallica plays.
Gordon Gould: His opponent, representing the Core Institute, from Albany, NY, weighing in at 212 pounds, Dean Wolf!
Dean Wolf enters the arena, also wearing a three-piece suit. He looks angry as usual, but this time anger accompanied by a bit of defeat. He walks down the ramp just staring straight ahead.
James Eastwood: Him too? Wait a minute, I know what’s going on here. Last week, Sylvia Evergreen asked Wolf straight out if he was going to fight Bernard Core and he didn’t have an answer for her. I think we might have an answer now.
Wolf enters the ring and snatches the microphone out of Gordon Gould’s hand. He stands in the center of the ring.
Dean Wolf: Cut the damn music!
The music stops. He pulls a piece of paper out of his jacket and begins reading from it.
Dean Wolf: “In honor of the work that Headmaster Bernard Core has done to improve the American education system and American society in general…”
The fans boo clamorously. Wolf looks ashamed as he reads the words.
Dean Wolf: “…, for recognition of his supreme athletic abilities…”
More booing.
Dean Wolf: “…, and as a personal token of my gratitude for saving my life from the abyss of drug and alcohol addiction, I hereby forfeit my match tonight against Headmaster Bernard Core.”
There is nuclear heat for this announcement. Wolf can’t even look up at the fans.
Dean Wolf: “Furthermore, Headmaster Core would appreciate if everyone could please rise to their feet and join me in reciting the Core Institute Pledge of Allegiance.”
Even more nuclear heat for this abomination.
James Eastwood: I don’t know about you Alamo, but I am not standing for this. Bernard Core used to recite this bastardization of the United States’ Pledge of Allegiance before his matches in the WCF, and now he’s subjecting The Sixth Dimension to it.
Alamo Franklin: I don’t rise to honor anything except my god damned country.
Two images appear side by side on the arena’s screen. One is of the U.S. flag while the other is the Core Institute’s emblem, a fasces with the words “Omnibus uniformitatem [Uniformity for all]” written under it. Wolf stands at attention with his hand over his heart while Core just stands there to bask in the glory. Dean Wolf begins despite the loud protest of the fans.
Dean Wolf: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the MAN…
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Dean Wolf: …for which it stands, one nation, under Headmaster Core, with STANDARDIZATION and UNIFORMITY for all.
Crowd: BULL-SHIT! BULL-SHIT! BULL-SHIT! BULL-SHIT!
Wolf looks down at the mat. Core comes up from behind him and puts his arm over his shoulder. He grabs the microphone and begins to speak.
The standings graphic appears on screen.
James Eastwood: What a shame.
Bernard Core: Dean Wolf, I just want to thank you for the sacrifice you made today for the Core Institute and the United States of America. You’ve shown that you believe in the ideals of loyalty, filial piety, standardization, and uniformity, ideals that once made America the preeminent superpower throughout this world. And as for the rest of you uncouth Sixth Dimension dummies…
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Bernard Core: …You could take a page out of Dean Wolf’s book and sh---
The crowd starts to cheer. The Core Institute look around to see what’s happening. The cameras pick up the image of Cliff of Doom walking down his ramp. Security quickly comes to block his access to the ring.
James Eastwood: What’s Cliff of Doom doing here? The Handler said at the beginning of the episode that if Cliff or Wolf made physical contact with each other, they’d be disqualified from the tournament. I hope Cliff’s not thinking of risking that.
Wolf throws off his jacket and loosens his tie. Core hides behind him. Cliff gets to the bottom of the ramp and stops, security making a half-circle around him.
Cliff of Doom: You guys can calm down. I’m not here to fight Wolf. I’m just here to observe this pathetic little spectacle that him and his daddy are putting on in front of these fans that paid to see WRESTLING.
The crowd concurs. Wolf sneers.
Cliff of Doom: There he is, ladies and gentlemen, the only man left undefeated in this tournament, and he just gave it away to make Bernard Core happy.
The crowd boos at Wolf.
Cliff of Doom: You know, Wolf…
He snickers a little bit.
Cliff of Doom: I knew this was gonna happen. I fucking knew that this was gonna happen. I can’t even say that I’m surprised. I thought for a second that maybe, just maybe, you’d actually grow a set and fight Bernard Core; but you did exactly what I thought you were going to do. You pussied out and you forfeited. TO HIM of all people. You think he gives a shit about you? Huh? You think he cares about you? He’s been using you. He’s been using you ever since he laid eyes on you. He saw that he could use you to advance his agenda and that’s all he cares about. That’s all he wants from you and you know it! I see it in your eyes all the time. You know that he’s using you and he doesn’t really care about you. He holds over your head the fact that he helped you kick your addictions. He holds that over your head just to keep you in line and get you to do what he wants. And you, you used to be this tough guy, a guy who walked alone, a guy who didn’t get manipulated by people. That’s who you used to be. Now, you’re just a guy wearing a suit, spouting the same bullshit that Bernard Core spouts even though you don’t really believe it. You just do his dirty work and that’s not you. That’s not you at all; but it’s what you’ve become. You know, a lot of people ask me why I give a shit so much about what you do. Some people tell me I should just mind my own business. YOU probably think I should mind my own business.
The camera picks up Dean Wolf mouthing the words “You’re damn right.”
Cliff of Doom: But the problem is…
He stops, as if he’s just thought of something to say but wondering if he should say it.
Cliff of Doom: You know what? Let me share a story with you.
He takes a moment to collect his thoughts before continuing.
Cliff of Doom: October 4, 2015. Does that date ring a bell to you, Wolf?
The mention of the date causes Wolf to leave his fighting stance and stiffen up.
Cliff of Doom: That’s the night of War XIV. That’s the night where you entered the War match at number one, and you lasted over two hours. You eliminated three guys in the span of a minute. You became a star that night and you were only in WCF for one month. You were on everybody’s radar; and you know who was amongst the millions of people watching you that night? Me. I was in my basement apartment with my wife on the couch the day after our wedding watching YOU kick ass in that ring. That performance, what you did in that ring, inspired me to follow my dream and become a professional wrestler; at the age of 30, mind you. I was starting very late in life and a lot of people, my own family and friends, laughed when they found out that I wanted to be a wrestler. They didn’t think that I was living in the real world. Well, I proved them wrong and I made it; but it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t have watched you that night.
His voice becomes more disdainful.
Cliff of Doom: Now, I can’t believe that the guy who changed my life is nothing more than a puppet for that piece of shit cowering behind you.
Bernard Core grows of look of abhorrence but remains still.
Cliff of Doom: Next week, when you and I finally step into the ring and go one-on-one, you better bring your “A” game because I’m bringing mine. And I’ll tell you this: I plan on kicking some GOD DAMN sense into you; and hopefully, when I’m done with you, maybe I’ll have brought the old Wolf back. Maybe, I’ll bring back the guy who inspired me to be what I am today. Just maybe…
He pauses before delivering the final line.
Cliff of Doom: You’ll SEEK THE WOLF IN THYSELF!
The crowd pops.
James Eastwood: Whoooooa! That’s the line from Wolf’s theme song!
Wolf’s seething. His teeth are clenched. He starts moving in Cliff’s direction, but Bernard Core holds him back. Some security guards get in the ring, too, to prevent him from going after Cliff.
Alamo Franklin: I think he just done pissed that man off.
Cliff heads backwards back up the ramp, staring at Wolf the entire time. The camera cuts to Wolf, who is being held back by multiple people now. He’s still seething. We cut back to Cliff, who’s glaring at his adversary.
James Eastwood: These two men have been at each other since the beginning! The tensions are going to boil over next week when they finally go toe to toe in the last match before the finals of this tournament! We’ll be back with our main event: the ladder match for Caleb Ronan’s iPhone!
We get one last shot of each man’s face before fading to commercial.
We come back to a close-up shot of a black bag hanging above the ring.
James Eastwood: Ladies and gentlemen, in that bag contains the prize that Biff Mustache and Caleb Ronan are going to fight for: an iPhone.
We get a shot of the ladder outside the ring.
James Eastwood: And there is the ladder that one of these men has to climb in order to get the phone and win the match.
Alamo Franklin: Oh, not again!
We get a shot of a Sixth Dimension security guard walking down to the ring and stand next to Alamo.
James Franklin: It looks like The Handler is taking extra precautions again to make sure you don’t go after Caleb Ronan.
Alamo looks up at the security guard.
Alamo Franklin: You know, this is a wrestling promotion. Wrestlers are supposed to fight and you guys are doin’ everything to make sure they don’t fight! Well, guess what? You got lucky last week, but if I want to go after the little cumstain tonight, you ain’t stoppin’ me!
James looks grossed out.
James Eastwood: Did you just say “cumstain?”
Alamo Franklin: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Eastwood shakes his head and looks in the camera.
James Eastwood: Let’s look back at how we got to this unique match.
We get a video package that shows Caleb Ronan and his protestors costing Biff his match against Ded Memry, Biff chasing Caleb out of the Sixth Dimension Arena, Biff stealing Caleb’s iPhone, and The Handler announcing the ladder match. When it’s over, we go to Sylvia Evergreen, who is standing with Caleb, who’s looking as sour as ever, in the interview area.
Sylvia Evergreen: I’m here with Caleb Ronan right before he heads out to the ring for tonight’s ladder match. Caleb, has it been hard living without your iPhone for a week?
Caleb Ronan: What do you care?! I bet you and your boyfriend, Biff Mustache, laughed about my pain during one of your many dates this week where the two of you stuffed your faces while starving children in Burundi go to sleep hungry every night!
She stares at him indignantly.
Caleb Ronan: You want to know what it’s been like? You wouldn’t even be able to comprehend what I’ve been through this week. This has literally been the hardest week of my life. I’ve felt so disconnected from the world. I haven’t been able to post, snap, or tweet about all the things that I care about, all the causes that I fight for. How am I supposed to speak out against the rampant materialism of this world without my iPhone X?
Sylvia rolls her eyes.
Caleb Ronan: And you know what’s kept me awake? The thought of that cisgender, white male oppressor asshole posting a picture of his weapon of sexual assault using the Instagram app on my phone!
He starts to tear up as his voice breaks.
Caleb Ronan: If he does that, my credibility as a social activist is over. I might as well be dead like the girl on 13 Reasons Why, the first season of which I watched in one night before anyone else.
Sylvia is already exasperated but she perseveres.
Sylvia Evergreen: If your Instagram account is what you’re worried about, why didn’t you just delete the account before this match. You could have done that from your laptop. You of all people have a laptop, right?
Caleb looks up, a look of horror on his face as if to say, “How didn’t I think of that?” His eye starts to twitch.
Caleb Ronan: Oh my God. I…I have to…I have…I have to get my phone back!
He runs off camera while Sylvia looks on confused by the sudden ending to the interview.
We go back to the ring where Gordon Gould is waiting to make the introductions. The bell rings.
Gordon Gould: This contest is a Ladder Match scheduled for one fall!
The crowd claps.
Gordon Gould: In this contest, the only way to win is to cli---
Caleb Ronan comes running down his ramp.
Alamo Franklin: What the hell is he doin’?!
Caleb grabs the ladder standing outside the ring, folds it up, and slides it in the ring under the bottom rope.
James Eastwood: Whoa! He can’t do that! The match hasn’t even started yet! Biff Mustache isn’t even in the ring yet!
Gordon Gould bolts out of the ring. Caleb stands the ladder up in the middle of the ring and starts to climb. The crowd boos vociferously.
James Eastwood: He’s going to spoil this match for these great fans!
“Da Ya Think I’m Sexy” plays to the cheers of the fans. Biff dashes down his ramp.
James Eastwood: I think we’re about to get a premature start! Heh, premature, kind of like a wet dre--- oh, Jesus, I think Biff is rubbing off on me. Ha, rub--- damn it!
Biff gets in the ring and pulls Caleb off the ladder. The ref calls for the bell.
James Eastwood: We’re off to the races!
Biff slams Caleb’s face into the ladder. Caleb falls, and Biff starts to climb himself. Caleb quickly gets up and pushes the ladder over. Biff’s feet land on the top rope. Caleb runs toward him. He springboards off the rope over Caleb and rolls through on the landing. Both men turn around. They run at each other, but Biff strikes first with a bicycle kick.
James Eastwood: Quick action to start the match.
Biff folds the ladder and holds it in front of him. He charges at Caleb, who ducks. Biff collides with the ropes, the force causing him to drop the ladder to the outside floor. He turns around and gets sent to the mat with a single arm DDT.
James Eastwood: I think that’s the first bit of offense that Caleb has been able to muster up this entire tournament!
Caleb gets Biff into the corner and starts pummeling him with a flurry of rights and lefts, shrieking at him the entire time. He starts raking at his face. His eye begins to twitch.
Caleb Ronan: You want to steal my phone?! YOU WANT TO STEAL MY PHONE?!
James Eastwood: I think we’ve found something that actually motivates Caleb to fight.
Alamo Franklin: It’s about damned time!
Caleb Irish whips Biff into the opposite corner. He charges and hits a corner crossbody, which causes Biff to fall to his ass.
James Eastwood: Alamo, I’ve just gotten word from the back that this is officially Caleb’s longest match in The Sixth Dimension.
Alamo Franklin: Are we going to praise every little accomplishment that he has in this match?
James Eastwood: Well, that’s what hipster millennials are used to.
Alamo Franklin: How ‘bout he wins first? Then I’ll give a shit.
Caleb runs to the opposite corner and then sprints back towards Biff, crushing his face with double knees. Biff collapses on his side.
James Eastwood: I can’t believe the aggressiveness we’re seeing out of Caleb! He’s never fought like this before.
Alamo Franklin: He’s never fought, period.
Caleb stares down at this supine opponent and begins breathing heavily, his chest heaving, his eyes wide.
James Eastwood: Yikes. Caleb is a mad man right now.
Caleb comes off the ropes and baseball slides into Biff, sending him crashing to the outside floor.
James Eastwood: You know, with Caleb’s lack of fighting these past few weeks, we’ve never gotten to see any of his strengths. Look how fast he moves in that ring!
Alamo Franklin: Yeah, imagine if he applied himself and really tried to wrestle a match. Maybe he’d have a chance to win this tournament right now.
Caleb gets Biff to his feet and starts hitting him with right hands. Biff falls back into the ring post. Caleb goes for another punch, but Biff ducks and Caleb punches the ring post. He holds his hand and gives a quick yell in pain. Biff slams his head up against the apron. Caleb falls to the floor. Biff gets him back up and whips him towards the ring post, but Caleb hops up onto the apron and moonsaults down onto Biff.
Crowd: Oooo!
James Eastwood: Look at the agility!
Caleb gets back in the ring. He keeps his gaze on the outside of the ring and waits like a predator ready to attack its prey. When Biff gets to his feet, Caleb runs towards the corner, runs up the ropes, and dives from the top turnbuckle onto Biff.
Crowd: OOOOO!
James Eastwood: What a dive from the top turnbuckle! Caleb is on fire right now! He’s not leaving anything to chance!
Both men stay on the floor for a few seconds. Caleb gets to his feet first and starts walking towards the ladder. Meanwhile, Biff pulls himself up using the ring skirt and rolls into the ring.
Alamo Franklin: Caleb better hurry his ass up if he wants that damned cell phone.
Caleb places the ladder under the bottom rope and into the ring. Biff runs towards the ladder, slides, and kicks it right into Caleb’s chest. Caleb falls to the ground.
Alamo Franklin: What’d I tell you?
Biff heads back outside and whips Caleb into the guardrail. He picks up the ladder and runs towards Caleb with the intention of impaling him, but Caleb moves, runs up the steps, and jumps off the apron with a knee smash to Biff’s face.
James Eastwood: Quick thinking by Caleb.
Caleb picks up the ladder and smashes it three times into Biff’s ribs.
James Eastwood: Right on those ribs that have been injured through most of this tournament!
Caleb props the ladder up against a post and throws Biff into it.
Caleb enters the ring. He reaches over the top turnbuckle and grabs the ladder. He begins pulling it into the ring. Before he can pull it completely over the turnbuckle, Biff hops on the apron and grabs it. Both men pull it back and forth before Caleb pushes with all of his force. Biff falls off the apron. Caleb now is able to pull the entire ladder in. He stands it up but before he has a chance to open it, Biff comes off the top rope and springboard missile dropkicks the ladder right into Caleb.
Biff leans the ladder up against the corner and snap suplexes Caleb right on top of it.
Crowd: Oooo!
Biff sets the ladder up underneath the bag and begins to climb.
Caleb grabs Biff’s leg. Biff kicks him away. Caleb stumbles back a few feet and his kick with a jumping roundhouse off the ladder.
Biff grabs Caleb’s legs and slingshots him into the ladder, but Caleb prevents himself from colliding and starts climbing quickly up the ladder instead.
James Eastwood: There he goes!
Biff follows right after him. He grabs a hold of Caleb’s pants and pulls him down a rung. He lands a forearm in the small of Caleb’s back. With Caleb temporarily stopped by the forearm shot, Biff turns around, grabs Caleb in a fireman’s carry position, and falls to the mat with a rolling fireman’s carry slam.
Crowd: Oooo!
James Eastwood: That’s the advantage of these ladder matches. Moves like that have an extra amount of pain because you can execute them from a higher perch than normal.
Biff and Caleb lay on the mat for half a second. Biff is up first and starts ascending the ladder. Caleb recovers and pulls Biff’s leg through one of the rungs. Biff gets hung up in the tree of woe. Caleb gives him a few right hands to the face. Once Caleb is satisfied, he starts climbing the ladder on the other side.
James Eastwood: Biff better untangle himself quick if he wants to win!
Caleb is almost at the top, but he sees that Biff is pulling himself up and trying to free his leg. Caleb looks at the bag and then looks back at Biff.
James Eastwood: I think he’s wondering if he should go for the bag or go after Biff.
Alamo Franklin: Hell, just go for the phone, dumbass!
Caleb gets a determined look on his face. He steps up one more rung and hops over the top of the ladder, crashing down on Biff with a seated senton. Biff is freed from the ladder but lands on the back of his head.
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
For his trouble Caleb holds his tailbone and writhes in pain on the ground. He pulls the ladder down to the mat in anger. He lays the ladder down in the corner and scoop slams Biff onto it. Picking up Biff aggravates his hurt tailbone. Then, while Biff is still lying on the ladder, Caleb executes a split legged moonsault. He clutches his ribs.
James Eastwood: That move hurt him as well as Biff.
Alamo Franklin: I think he finally learned that wrestlers wrestle even when they’re hurt. They don’t just get to take time off. Maybe there’s hope for the little turd stain.
Biff gets to his feet and is bent over the ladder. Caleb tries to legdrop him into the ladder, but Biff catches him in an electric chair position. He tries to stabilize himself, but Caleb circles his arms backwards. Suddenly, Caleb flips backward and performs an inverted hurricanrana. The top of Biff’s head hits the mat, but he does a 360 and lands on his feet. However, he stumbles backwards and falls through the ropes, his feet getting hooked on the top rope.
Crowd: Oooo!
With Biff in his suspended position, Caleb picks up the ladder and just dumps it over the rope and onto Biff. Biff crashes to the floor.
James Eastwood: Oh my God! Caleb is just totally brutalizing Biff!
Caleb bridges the ladder between the apron and the guardrail. He picks Biff up in a side suplex position and crotches him on the ladder. Biff goes wide-eyed.
James Eastwood: Oh, right on those prized Mustache family jewels! I bet those are about as precious to Biff as the phone is to Caleb.
Alamo Franklin: And he probably gets as much use out of them, too. Sylvia would know.
James Eastwood: Let’s not go there.
Caleb heads back into the ring. He shoots off the ropes, sprints across the ring, and nails Biff with an elbow suicida. Biff tumbles off the ladder to the floor.
James Eastwood: Some fans are actually cheering Caleb’s effort! This match is illuminating a lot of things about Caleb we didn’t know; mainly that he has some talent!
Caleb tries to whip Biff into the ladder, but Biff runs under it. He turns around and is met with a spear by Caleb.
He grabs Biff’s legs and goes to slingshot him into the ladder, but Biff jumps on top of it. Caleb gets up to his feet and Biff sends him down with a blockbuster.
Biff drags Caleb onto the apron. He sets up for a powerbomb.
James Eastwood: Biff’s got some bad intentions here.
Caleb blocks the powerbomb attempt and picks Biff up in a fireman’s carry position instead. Biff drives his elbow into Caleb’s temple over and over again until he breaks free of the hold. Caleb has his back to Biff and holds his head in pain. Biff backs up a few steps, runs forward, and drives Caleb’s chest and torso into the ladder with the Secret ‘Stache. The crowd pops. Caleb bounces off the ladder and falls to the floor.
James Eastwood: This match is like a triple threat match and the ladder is like the third participant. It’s causing as much destruction as these men are causing to each other!
Biff bows to the crowd. He holds the back of his leg, which took some of the impact when he hit the move. He slowly climbs onto the apron and through the ring. He drags the ladder back into the center of the ring. He bends over to pick it up, but as he’s bent over it, Caleb springboards off the top rope and drops an elbow on the back of his head, causing him to go face first into the ladder.
James Eastwood: He calls that the FML-bow.
Alamo Franklin: FM? Like on the radio?
James Eastwood: No, FML is an acronym.
Alamo Franklin: For what?
James Eastwood: Um… “F” My Life.
Alamo Franklin: “Fuck my life?” Jesus, what is wrong with this kid? He even wants his moves to make you feel bad for him.
Caleb picks up the ladder. He waits for Biff to get to his feet. When he does, he charges at him, but Biff leaps and Codebreakers the ladder into Caleb’s chest. He grabs his knees in agony.
James Eastwood: Biff sacrificed his knees to stop Caleb’s offense.
Alamo Franklin: I’ve got knee problems just from wrestling the normal way. He’s gonna have sore knees way before I ever did if he does things like that.
James Eastwood: Matches like this will shorten anybody’s career. You can’t avoid injuries when a ladder is involved.
Biff sets up the ladder and tries to climb. Caleb gets up and pulls him down, sending him into the ladder with a reverse STO. He whips Biff into the ropes, picks him up, and flapjacks him into the ladder. The ladder topples over.
James Eastwood: That’s gonna leave some bruises on his face.
Alamo Franklin: Sylvia won’t mind. My scars never bothered no ring rats.
James Eastwood: Sylvia is not a ring rat!
Alamo Franklin: Whatever you say, Eastwood.
With Biff in a supine position, Caleb folds up the ladder and bashes Biff’s knees with it. Then, he lays the ladder down, opens it up, and puts Biff knees between the rails. He proceeds to open and slam the ladder down onto Biff’s knees three times. Biff writhes around on the mat in pain.
James Eastwood: Injured knees are going to make it harder to climb up that ladder, if Biff even has a chance to do so at this point.
Caleb sets up the ladder over Biff and begins to climb.
James Eastwood: Now this is smart. He’s trying to keep Biff pinned on the mat so that he has no chance of stopping him.
Caleb is on the second to last rung and reaches for the bag.
Alamo Franklin: Jesus Christ, kid! It’s not that hard to figure out! Climb up one more rung! Idiot!
James Eastwood: You want Caleb to win?
Alamo Franklin: Hell no, but I can’t help myself when I see someone who’s on the verge of winnin’ not use any common god damn sense!
While Caleb reaches, Biff starts pushing the bottom rung of the ladder with his arms. The crowd starts to rise.
James Eastwood: My God, look at that strength! That’s all those steaks and protein shakes Mama Mustache used to serve him!
Biff growls as he continues to push the ladder forward. Caleb continues to reach for the bag but it’s futile. He holds the ladder and tries to brace himself. As the ladder completes its fall, Caleb jumps off the ladder and gets crotched on the top turnbuckle. The crowd pops.
Alamo Franklin: Right on his cooter!
James Eastwood: That’s gotta h--- wait, what?
Alamo Franklin: You really believe he’s got a pair of balls between his legs?
Biff picks up the ladder in a vertical position and runs it into Caleb. Caleb leans back but swings his arms forward to avoid falling off the turnbuckle. Biff hits him a second time. Caleb almost falls but he’s able to stay up. Biff takes some extra steps back and runs, but this time, Caleb gets his hand through the rung and somehow is able to poke Biff in the eye.
James Eastwood: I don’t know if that was intentional or not, but that sure as hell was a desperation move by Caleb.
Biff lets go of the ladder and stumbles back, holding his eye. Caleb grabs the ladder, stands on the turnbuckle, jumps off, and sends the ladder collapsing onto Biff. Biff holds the back of his head.
Caleb opens the ladder up in the corner. He begins to ascend it.
James Eastwood: Wait, what’s he thinking about here?
Alamo Franklin: Kid, the phone’s in the middle of the ring!
James Eastwood: I don’t think he’s going for the phone!
The crowd begins to rise again. They sense something big about to happen. Caleb gets to the top rung and looks around the arena, then down at Caleb. He gets a determined look on his face and decides to climb all the way to the top. The crowd gets even louder.
James Eastwood: This is as high risk as high risk gets, folks!
Caleb steadies himself and takes to the air, corkscrewing and flipping until the full force of his body comes crashing down on Biff.
James Eastwood: PHOENIX SPLASH!!!
Caleb clutches his ribs.
Alamo Franklin: Alright, I’ll admit it, he does have a pair of balls. Maybe not a brain between his ears, but he’s got balls.
Crowd: THIS IS AWESOME: clap clap clap clap clap: THIS IS AWESOME :clap clap clap clap clap:
James Eastwood: These fans appreciate what these men are doing in this ring. And for an iPhone! Amazing!
Caleb gets up and tries to drag the ladder to the center of the ring with one hand while still clutching his ribs with the other. He stops for a second and falls to one knee before continuing.
James Eastwood: I think he knocked the wind out of himself with that Phoenix Splash!
He finally positions the ladder and climbs slowly, still clutching his ribs.
James Eastwood: He’s got to hurry up. Biff’s starting to stir.
Caleb continues to painstakingly move up the structure.
James Eastwood: He’s on the top rung! He’s got his hand on the bag! He’s trying to get it off the hook.
While Caleb struggles, Biff starts closing the spreader bars. Caleb starts to feel himself lose his balance and grabs on to the bag. Biff completely folds the ladder and starts to pull it.
James Eastwood: Biff’s trying to pull the ladder out from under Caleb’s feet, but Caleb’s got his feet hooked on to it! He’s not letting go!
Biff continues to try and jerk the ladder away from Caleb but it’s no use. He lets go, looks around the ringside area for a second, and then gets an idea. He hops through the ropes and to the outside.
James Eastwood: Caleb has got a vice-like grip on that bag and is using the ladder to support himself while he hangs in the air; but even if he’s able to stabilize that ladder, he won’t be able to open it up with his feet! Wait, what’s Biff doing?!
Biff pulls out a second ladder and the crowd roars.
James Eastwood: That’s the standby ladder that is kept under the ring just in case the first ladder breaks! Now, Biff is bringing it into the ring!
Biff sets up the ladder just outside the center of the ring and starts climbing. Caleb lets go of the first ladder and starts trying to swing himself towards the standby ladder. He’s able to get his feet onto one of the rungs. When he’s steady, he lets go of the bag. Both men are at the top of the ladder and start going punch for punch. Biff finally grabs Caleb in the back of the head and smashes his face into the top of the ladder. Caleb is stunned, giving Biff the opportunity to get his arm around Caleb’s neck. The fans, who are now unanimously on their feet, start to get louder in anticipation for what will happen next. Biff grabs the waist of Caleb’s pants and lifts.
James Eastwood: THE PLEASURE CENTER!!!
Biff and Caleb drop off the ladder, with Biff driving Caleb’s neck and shoulders into the mat 15 feet below. The crowd goes absolutely apeshit.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Caleb is laid out while Biff bounces on the mat in pain, specifically in his legs and tailbone.
James Eastwood: MY GOD! In The Sixth Dimension, we call that move The Pleasure Center, but in Japan, it’s called the Emerald Flowsion! However, when it starts out in a vertical suplex position like Biff just did it, it’s called the Emerald Flowsion Kai, so I guess we can call what Biff did The Pleasure Center Kai! And he did it from the top of a 15-foot-high ladder! Caleb could be paralyzed!
Alamo Franklin: The only thing that matters right now is that Biff not waste time and get up that ladder!
Biff pulls the ladder more under the bag and starts to climb.
James Eastwood: He’s halfway up! Caleb isn’t moving!
The crowd’s volume goes up with every step he takes.
James Eastwood: He’s almost there!
Caleb turns over on his stomach. He helplessly puts one hand on the ladder and raises the other one, as if he were hoping that his arm would suddenly extend 15 feet and prevent Biff from retrieving the phone.
James Eastwood: Biff’s got his hand on the bag!
Biff unhooks it.
James Eastwood: HE GOT IT!
The bell rings and the crowd becomes unglued. Biff holds the bag in the air. “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy” begins to play.
Gordon Gould: The winner of this contest, and sole possessor of the iPhone, Biff Mustache!
James Eastwood: What a hell of a contest! Both men brutalized each other and fought tooth and nail for that phone! Caleb was so close towards the end but Biff, who, to be honest, isn’t known for his smarts, thought quickly and grabbed the standby ladder, which drew Caleb in and allowed Biff to hit that devastating Pleasure Center Kai! Still, you can’t take anything away from Caleb Ronan tonight, Alamo. We saw a different type of Caleb Ronan, a more determined and vicious Caleb Ronan, the Caleb Ronan you’ve been wanting to see ever since this tournament began.
Alamo Franklin: I don’t like the son of a bitch, but I’ll tip my cap to him. Tonight, he decided to step up and fight for something, even if I wish he cared more about fighting for a title rather than his stupid phone.
The standings graphic appears on screen.
James Eastwood: Although both men were mathematically out of the running for the finals of this tournament and this match had the added stipulation of a ladder, it was still a tournament match and will go down in the record books as such. Biff finishes this tournament with a 2-3 record while Caleb Ronan was swept by all five of his opponents. Still, I think tonight’s performance makes up for all his previous, underwhelming efforts. Hang on a sec. I think Biff is calling for Gordon Gould.
Biff motions for Gould to throw him a microphone. Gould obliges, and the music cuts off.
Biff Mustache: OH YEAH!
Some in the crowd shout “OH YEAH” back to him.
Biff Mustache: The Biffster has won the ladder match, and now it’s time for the real main event of the evening- a pic- OF MY DICK!
Caleb is now on his knees at the bottom of the ladder. The camera picks him up looking up at Biff with his hands folded and mouthing the words “Please don’t.”
The crowd cheers.
Biff Mustache: Let me find that Instagram app. There it is. Alright! Everybody, go to Instagram right now and find @calebronan6d.
The fans start pulling out their phones. Caleb’s eye starts to twitch rapidly.
James Eastwood: I know this was the whole reason why Biff wanted the phone, but maybe he should be a gracious winner and just walk out with the victory. I don’t know if I necessarily agree with rubbing the loss in Caleb’s face, especially after the performance that Caleb put on.
Alamo Franklin: To the victor goes the spoils, Eastwood.
James Eastwood: I know, it’s just that…I’ve got a bad feeling. I can’t explain why. I just have a bad feeling.
Biff Mustache: Everybody there?
The muscles throughout Caleb’s entire body start to noticeably contract as he slowly gets to his feet. He begins to snarl like a guard dog facing an intruder. Biff pulls the crotch of his banana hammock out and looks down at his penis.
Biff Mustache: Whoa! Lil’ Stiffy Biffy is ready for his close-up!
He positions the phone’s camera lens.
Biff Mustache: Here we go!
We can see the flash go off in his banana hammock. Caleb begins to sweat profusely. He starts pulling at his face like a mentally disturbed person. Biff holds up the phone.
Biff Mustache: And now it’s time for my Lyndon Veins Johnson to be debuted for the entire world to see, courtesy of Caleb Bonin’s Instagram account!
Caleb starts to shake.
Biff Mustache: And a 1, and a 2, and 3.
He hits a button.
Biff Mustache: Alright! Uploaded!
The fans start to get louder and cheer as more and more of them see the picture. Some of the women even gasp. Caleb is so tightly wound that he looks like he’s about to literally combust.
Biff Mustache: Oh yeah, you know it! Hey, can we get the picture on all the screens here in the arena?
After a few seconds, the picture pops up on all the screens in the Sixth Dimension Arena. The crowd roars in approval. Biff laughs.
James Eastwood: That is another man’s penis being broadcast all over the entire world. In all my years of broadcasting, I never thought I would see that.
Alamo Franklin: God damn, that kid is hung like a bronco!
He gives Biff a standing ovation. The security guard claps as well.
James Eastwood: Wait, what the hell is going on with Caleb?
Caleb’s muscles start tearing through his clothes. He holds on to one of the ladder’s rungs for support, but it breaks off under his strength. The lights in the arena start to flicker and the building starts to shake a little bit.
James Eastwood: Are we having an earthquake?!
Biff holds on to the top of the ladder. Many of the fans start to panic. Meanwhile, Caleb continues to rapidly grow out of his clothes. His hair starts to grow long, and a beard starts to quickly form on his face. Some of the lights in the arena start to blow.
Alamo Franklin: This ain’t no earthquake! This is some other-worldly shit goin’ on right here!
Caleb looks straight up and roars with both arms stretched out.
Caleb Ronan: I’M OFFENDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The building stops shaking. The lights stop flickering. Every face in the arena is now directed towards the monster standing in the center of the ring. The building is near silent. Eastwood’s voice is subtle and disbelieving.
James Eastwood: My God. What-is-that?
Biff looks on in shock at the new behemoth directly below him. Caleb looks up at the man who has caused him so much agony and with the suddenness of a bullet, pushes the ladder out from under Biff. Biff falls but Caleb catches him, throws him up in the arm, and hammers him into the mat with a World’s Strongest Slam. The horrified shrieks roll throughout the arena.
James Eastwood: Oh my God! He may have broken his back!
Caleb looks at his hands and the rest of his body. He can’t believe the newfound strength that he suddenly possesses. He looks at the ladder, folds it up, and throws it to the ground.
James Eastwood: What’s he doing now?!
Caleb picks up Biff and drives his ribs into the ladder with a Dominator.
James Eastwood: Is this monster Caleb Ronan?! Has he transformed before our eyes?!
Caleb looks at the crowd and roars.
James Eastwood: If that is Caleb, he looks like he’s shaken off all the damage from the ladder match!
The crowd begins to cheer.
James Eastwood: It’s Cliff of Doom!
Cliff runs down his ramp and slides into the ring. He charges at Caleb, who attempts a clothesline. Cliff ducks, turns around, and goes for a superkick, but Caleb catches his foot, spins him around, clutches his throat, and sends him to the mat with a one-handed chokeslam.
James Eastwood: What power!
Caleb lifts Cliff up in a gorilla press and dumps him to the outside floor.
James Eastwood: Cliff fell like a stack of bricks! He must have fallen fifteen feet down to the floor, and those protective mats aren’t pillows!
Caleb looks around, thinking of what destruction he can commit next.
James Eastwood: Oh God, what now? What else could this beast do?
Caleb takes one of the ladders and bridges it between the ring and the guardrail.
Alamo Franklin: I don’t care if that little shit’s got some muscles now! He’s still a bitch and a sore loser to boot! I’m sick of his bullshit! All the respect I just gained for him is gone! I’m puttin’ an end to this once and for all!
Alamo stands up. The security guard tries to hold him back, but Alamo punches him out. The crowd cheers. Alamo steps out from behind the table and marches Caleb’s way.
James Eastwood: Alamo, no, don’t!
Alamo stops a few feet from Caleb. Caleb senses Alamo’s presence and turns around to see his mortal enemy. The crowd wants this confrontation.
Crowd: YES! YES! YES! YES!
Alamo grits his teeth and runs at Caleb. He races towards him and wildly throws rights and lefts. The crowd explodes, but their cheers are in vain as Caleb grabs the collar of Alamo’s shirt, spins, and throws him into the guardrail.
James Eastwood: OH GOD, NO!
Caleb picks Alamo up off the floor by the collar, spins the other direction, and throws him into the guardrail again. He keeps a hold on Alamo and repeats the attack five more times.
James Eastwood: HE’S A 62-YEAR-OLD MAN! YOU’RE GOING TO KILL HIM!!!
On the last throw, he lets go and allows Alamo to crash wildly into barrier. Alamo is out cold.
James Eastwood: CAN WE GET MEDICAL ATTENTION OUT HERE?!? IS ANYBODY BACK THERE?!? IS ANYBODY GOING TO STOP THIS MONSTER?!?
Caleb looks down at Alamo and shouts at him with his sonorous voice.
Caleb Ronan: THAT’S THE LAST TIME YOU EVER PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME!
He looks back into the ring and sees Biff, who’s having trouble just getting on his hands and knees. He climbs back into the ring and grabs Biff by the hair.
James Eastwood: You’ve done enough! No more! Come on!
Caleb starts climbing the turnbuckles, dragging Biff up with him. He flips Biff onto his shoulder and finishes his climb to the top.
James Eastwood: What the hell is he thinking here?! What could this merciless beast possibly do?!
Caleb lifts Biff over his head in a cross position.
James Eastwood: No. Don’t tell me. He can’t! He’s not going to…
Caleb steps off the turnbuckle. As he falls to the floor, he tosses Biff in the air and sends him crashing through the ladder. Biff’s head hits hard on the outside floor, instantly knocking him out. The crowd shrieks in horror.
James Eastwood: OH MY GOD!!! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE!!! CALEB RONAN, OR WHOEVER THIS MONSTER IS, POWERBOMBED BIFF MUSTACHE FROM THE TOP TURNBUCKLE TO THE OUTSIDE THROUGH A LADDER!!! BIFF IS OUT!!! PLEASE!!! SOMEBODY SEND SOME GOD DAMNED MEDICAL ATTENTION OUT HERE NOW!!!
Caleb looks at the devastation he’s caused. He looks down at his hands again, widening his eyes at the realization of his own power. The crowd boos.
James Eastwood: Who is this man?
Caleb turns around and heads up his ramp. Referees, security, medical personnel, and even The Handler finally come to ringside to attend to the injured men at ringside. Cliff of Doom is seen crawling towards Biff’s unconscious body.
James Eastwood: Ladies and gentlemen, I—I’ve never---
The sound of Eastwood throwing his headset down can be heard. He runs to Alamo and tends to him. Two stretchers are wheeled out. EMTs try to help Cliff to his feet but he pushes them away so he can help Biff. Sylvia Evergreen runs down to ringside and kneels beside Biff, holding his hand. She’s almost on the verge of tears.
Caleb gets to the top of his ramp and looks back at the carnage. He smiles, but that smile quickly becomes a sneer. He turns around and walks through the curtain.
The EMTs put neck braces on Biff and Alamo and get them on the stretchers. They’re wheeled up the ramp. Cliff and Eastwood comfort Sylvia as they accompany her up the ramp behind the stretchers. Cliff is noticeably limping even as he supports Sylvia. There’s a hush over the crowd. Alamo’s stretcher goes through the curtain first. The lost shot we see is of Biff, his neck stabilized by a brace, his eyes closed, and no emotion on his unconscious face, as he’s pushed through the curtain.
The show fades to black.
