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Post by Vincent Augustine on May 14, 2018 21:24:11 GMT -5
BRAGGARTS AND BROKEN PROMISES
I enjoyed the RP, the beginning did feel a bit forced to me as far as the attempts at humor go. That said I am not he biggest fan of potty humor……..see what I did there? Ok bad pun aside the flow was pretty good, you develop your character as the story goes and that is good, the insight into Jackson we get every week is a bit refreshing, but as is the standard your Roleplay ends with a giant wall of text that is your moment to run down your opponent, better known as the shoot. Your shoot was strong, but I feel creatively speaking there has to be a way to do this without guys just standing around talking shit. All of that aside the flow is great, and the points you bring up while some are sublte, are very well thought out. Trying to hit your opponent with an I know what you are going to say is not a bad idea, and though I have seen it tried it seems that sometimes it doesn’t matter if you do that or not.
Putting it together I would like to see maybe more than just backstory beginning and shoot ending, it’s a bit derivative of everyone that has come before. Your color choices are not bad, but personally all the colors on a page drive me crazy.
All in all I enjoyed your RP it was a clean easy read and flowed well. I would just suggest some changes in the way it presented, but then that is just my suggestion.
Overall 7.8/10
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Post by Vincent Augustine on May 14, 2018 21:37:27 GMT -5
SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST
You did multiple RP’s this week but this is the one I will feedback. This RP is solid, in some ways if felt like you were not too sure where you wanted to go with it. Your shoots were above average, but to me they felt kind of forced into place, that being said the premise of the RP was a dude driving around in a car talking shit about people until he reaches hotel. This is a first RP so there is some slack for me to give you there. The flow of this RP was pretty solid, although you do crutch on the letter I pretty strongly. In one narrative paragraph you had six sentences of which five started with the word I. When writing in first person the assumption is that you are the one talking and therefore do not need to utilize the word I.
I did find it interesting that you started a trend of apparently everyone making fun of the Agustus character’s name. I get the character is a bit secretive at this point but that idea you had caught like hot cakes. You ran your opponents down pretty well, and I did like the aspect that your shoot wasn’t just one long giant section of shoot but split into smaller ones with some narrative to break it up. I would have loved to see some more character building in the RP as it was the first one you posted on the board. I love seeing deep story driven with some relevance, and not just a whole bunch of shooting. But that’s just my opinion.
Overall 6.8/10
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Post by Vincent Augustine on May 14, 2018 21:44:55 GMT -5
A PSYCHOTIC DEBUT
This was interesting, I totally dug the beginning with all the back and forth, and the building of the character. It was good, and maybe could have been stronger but it didn’t need to be. The first half of the RP got me excited to keep reading it, and then it began to kind of drag on. And then the excessive middle school language and name calling began. ‘These fucking dick riders are clowns.’ This line was I think where it started to turn for me. The fact that dick riders was used again less than three sentences later sealed it for me.
I’m sure people have at this point found that I am not the biggest fan of potty humor, mainly because I find it kind of trite. Fact is dick jokes, fart jokes, and well; all the like are used overly excessively in all feds, not just this one. But enough of the soap box let’s continue. It was clear during the end of the RP where you did your shoot you read the bios of characters, maybe even a RP or two, but that was about it. Nothing made me think you truly understood your opponents, and the jokes while probably getting of a laugh from some, fell short on me.
Your character is well thought out, I do like the idea of a cocky asshole like Sam Shields, and there is much you can do with it. However I would definitely recommend maybe getting to know your opponents a bit more, you were quick to post and in this instance it may have hurt you. When you don’t know something about your opponents waiting a bit can give you ammo that you might need.
Overall 7/10
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