James Wolf
Mid-Carder
"Come fight me, bitch!"
Posts: 691
|
Post by James Wolf on May 8, 2018 16:19:34 GMT -5
I would personally look for a gimmick change. The gentleman and the way he acts doesn't make sense. A former promoter tired of day to day operations, and returning to competition would make more sense. Also, your presentation needs a little work especially with your characters comprehension skills. When there is a response by your opponent, and you don't even mention it you're leaving yourself open to be called out until you take notice.
That's how I saw it. It contradicted itself. One moment he's in it for the fun of the business itself, and the next he's talking about who are the bottom feeders, and who are not. Didn't answer a lot of questions for me. For example my character is a hardcore wrestler but he is also a former World Champion. He's never rested on past accomplishments. He is a person and he has a stage name. Not knowing the difference between the two makes you look like an idiot. Don't be afraid to go look and see what his real name is and use that to your advantage. I'm not expecting WCF as a whole to always use his stage name. I want his real name used to create a realistic view of the wrestling world. But you're not going to be able to work as a character that contradicts himself. Especially when he knows next to nothing about his opponents. You're getting too far ahead of yourself. That role play is a wake up call for you to change up some things so you don't get yourself in a bind of having to do it later. My two cents.
Over all I would give it an 8.5/10. You just need some minor improvements to set yourself apart from the rest of us. Your character needs to address every word of another character and you need to figure out how you're going to turn it around on us because as a gentleman its just not going to happen. But as something else, whatever that something else is then you can do it. Good luck. I'm awaiting your next piece of work.
|
|
|
Post by Abraxas McKnight on May 8, 2018 17:18:54 GMT -5
Dear Mr. David
I'm not going to do respond posting, but other than that let me explain, because I'm not sure you really are responding for constructive purposes. As this seems pretty "pointed". I apologize if you took personal offense.
Abraxas isn't ever calling himself, or acting like a gentleman? He said the word in a sentence toward the roster? His entire point is to be the best competitor, to be the most focused, and in general points out and attacks flaws of the opposing. The Omen Of Reality is his nickname, his character is focused on the facts and in turn on the direct focus of changing the reality of the company in his own form. As he did with you and every other opponent, he looks into who you are and forms his opinion.
Your character specifically, I joked on your name. Morbid-being something characterized by or appealing to an abnormal and unhealthy interest in disturbing and unpleasant subjects, especially death and disease. Which doesn't show at all in his actions and/or character. It was a joke on the ring name itself, just as I joked on your entrance music. It wasn't a failure to look into anything about you, it was to show his general disinterest in you. Not trying to be mean, but I figure why not be blunt.
Now, having addressed your very poorly written and very ill-mannered rhetoric, use your comprehension skills to actually look through what your trying to review instead of typing up in my feedback request like a mad little kid who didn't like what he read.
Or, you know you could have worded this completely differently and I wouldn't even have to talk back to you in this way. Honestly, I'm not looking to get mean OOC, especially for the whole fed to see.
If you got a problem, next time use your PM box mate.
Thanks,
Victor.
|
|
James Wolf
Mid-Carder
"Come fight me, bitch!"
Posts: 691
|
Post by James Wolf on May 8, 2018 18:06:20 GMT -5
I'm giving constructive criticism because the promo part is so much of the roleplay without it you're left with just getting permission to attack a person's character in their role play. But without the motivation part displayed, and I'm not telling you do to response role plays but you're cheating yourself out of the emotional value of an angle, or of having somebody actually believe you are that character. Its like method acting. Take the Undertaker from the WWE for example. It's been said he is the Undertaker and while he is at the event he never breaks character. Its kind of like that in efedding. You want to create the illusion that's really you because there is actually an extension of yourself in that character. Plus wrestling is always at its best when there's emotion attached to it. It's like living a double life. You have your character, and you have you.
I created this whole separate world for my character to make him separate from myself, but keep my personality because deep down I'm a cocky asshole, and I'm completely random in real life. I'm not calling you out personally but I'm offering you a fun challenge to do something different and not paint yourself in a corner creatively because I've been in that situation. Now you're going to do what you want. But as a fellow roleplayer, and as one of your opponents at Slam I want to see you succeed, and I want to see you portray yourself as something more than a gentleman because the way your roleplay is set up you're actually quite the opposite to be fair. This is about feedback, I will come here to have people rip my work apart because that's how you get better. If we never examined our work amongst our peers we'd never know what works and what doesn't. So please don't take this as an attack or think its personal I'm just examining your role play so you can push yourself to get better. I'm offering suggestions... whether you choose to take my advice or not is your choice. However, I think if you change those minor things you'll come out better because I'm always trying to get better in my work and people on the outside can see what we can't. I didn't totally throw you under the bus either. I gave you a fair rating because I don't pull any punches. Been doing this game for too long. Dealt with too many egos, written thousands of matches, and poured every thing I've had in feds I was given when I didn't have too. Learned both from the good and bad decisions. So trust me when I tell you that you usually over look a lot in your first role play because you usually don't have a lot to work off of. Some times you're tired and then you wish you could go back but its like I'm saying. I'm being direct so you'll what your weak points are to work on those.
Giving emotional value in an rp is a hard thing to do but that's what I try to achieve every time because that's when everything connects together, and you have your perfect world for that week, or that moment. Now, I'm sorry for this story book but you wanted feedback and I gave you honest feedback. It may not have been that way for other people but this is not a personal attack. It's feed back so you can get better. That's it.
|
|
|
Post by Jayson Price on May 8, 2018 19:39:16 GMT -5
Ey, feedback is good! Always good!
No need to take it harshly or to have drama. Keep it easy and light peeps.
|
|
|
Post by Abraxas McKnight on May 8, 2018 19:53:53 GMT -5
To be honest, I'm just thoroughly confused at this point. Either way, I'm good. Thanks for the review, but I just think there is some misconceptions with what you seem to have got from it mate.
Thanks Mr. Price also for your input!
|
|
James Wolf
Mid-Carder
"Come fight me, bitch!"
Posts: 691
|
Post by James Wolf on May 8, 2018 20:56:44 GMT -5
Not having drama here. I was just giving my two cents, and being honest with what I saw. But hey its all good.
|
|
|
Post by Vincent Augustine on May 8, 2018 21:23:50 GMT -5
Where to start for your RP; it was solid, nothing special. You can definitely run your mouth, and you clearly did some homework on your opponents, but that felt a bit wasted when you were running them down with gay jokes and sex jokes. Jokes that during your shoot that show a lack of creativity can bring down the effort put forth in other parts of your RP. Content wise it was pretty solid, though let’s be honest, everything before the shoot was simply pointless. Break it down like this, first half of RP is find out who I am facing, second half of RP is run them down. That is rather cookie cutter, but as a first RP in a fed it would be ok, notwithstanding you wrote a RP on the character D board.
As for the meat and potatoes of how it was written, well buddy you had a paragraph with approx. 121 words in it, (This after conversion from proboards to Microsoft word so accuracy uncertain) and you used the letter I as a word 12 times during that paragraph. That means roughly 10% of the words in a paragraph you wrote were the letter I. I did this, I did that, I like this, I like that, I am good. That is all terrifically boring and lazy writing(Don’t confuse that with me calling you lazy).
Let’s take a string from one of your paragraphs where the word I is used excessively. ‘I don’t wrestle because I have to, I wrestle because I love to. I love the business, I love the money, I love the fame, I love the absolute power…’ No words here bro, just wow. But this isn’t a hate parade, there are ways to fix this, many are simple for example… ‘I have no need to wrestle, I wrestle out of love; love for this business, the money, fame, and absolute power one can feel when having their hand raised. Above all let’s not forget that feeling of gold in my hands, which is why this company is in such need of a man like myself.’
See when you rely on weak place holding words it can pull down the quality of your work, and what was a strong statement is turned into a kind of bland run of the mill damn near run on sentence.
In the end, I would definitely recommend trying to not be quite as formulaic, push your own boundaries, and discover your own abilities. Use this game as a way to grow as a writer, not just a shit talker, because as you grow as a writer your ability to talk shit will grow. And last but not least don’t fall into the lame ass age old world of name calling, gay jokes, and sex jokes when you are stuck for an idea, it shows a lack of creativity.
Overall Grade 7.1/10
|
|
|
Post by Abraxas McKnight on May 8, 2018 21:31:24 GMT -5
Where to start for your RP; it was solid, nothing special. You can definitely run your mouth, and you clearly did some homework on your opponents, but that felt a bit wasted when you were running them down with gay jokes and sex jokes. Jokes that during your shoot that show a lack of creativity can bring down the effort put forth in other parts of your RP. Content wise it was pretty solid, though let’s be honest, everything before the shoot was simply pointless. Break it down like this, first half of RP is find out who I am facing, second half of RP is run them down. That is rather cookie cutter, but as a first RP in a fed it would be ok, notwithstanding you wrote a RP on the character D board. As for the meat and potatoes of how it was written, well buddy you had a paragraph with approx. 121 words in it, (This after conversion from proboards to Microsoft word so accuracy uncertain) and you used the letter I as a word 12 times during that paragraph. That means roughly 10% of the words in a paragraph you wrote were the letter I. I did this, I did that, I like this, I like that, I am good. That is all terrifically boring and lazy writing(Don’t confuse that with me calling you lazy). Let’s take a string from one of your paragraphs where the word I is used excessively. ‘I don’t wrestle because I have to, I wrestle because I love to. I love the business, I love the money, I love the fame, I love the absolute power…’ No words here bro, just wow. But this isn’t a hate parade, there are ways to fix this, many are simple for example… ‘I have no need to wrestle, I wrestle out of love; love for this business, the money, fame, and absolute power one can feel when having their hand raised. Above all let’s not forget that feeling of gold in my hands, which is why this company is in such need of a man like myself.’ See when you rely on weak place holding words it can pull down the quality of your work, and what was a strong statement is turned into a kind of bland run of the mill damn near run on sentence. In the end, I would definitely recommend trying to not be quite as formulaic, push your own boundaries, and discover your own abilities. Use this game as a way to grow as a writer, not just a shit talker, because as you grow as a writer your ability to talk shit will grow. And last but not least don’t fall into the lame ass age old world of name calling, gay jokes, and sex jokes when you are stuck for an idea, it shows a lack of creativity. Overall Grade 7.1/10 The sex joke seems to have been in bad taste for you! What can I say, the whole cultic priest gimmick just made my horrible mind go there! X3 As far as the first half, it was honestly more of a way to start off to let people know who Joy was and do the whole intro schtik, and that'll play into character development later! And thank you for a much appreciated feedback! I'll gladly look into some of what you're saying. Just one favor. Don't post a reply literally to my RP. LMFAO
|
|
|
Post by Vincent Augustine on May 8, 2018 22:05:59 GMT -5
Yeah man, that was like, yeah I closed the wrong tab and stuff, you know, mistakes were made how about we don't talk about it anymore lol.
Sex joke isn't so much in bad taste, it just really isn't all that creative. If you read the RP's in this fed almost everyone tells a sex joke and it's the same damn sex joke is all and it's kind of stale and to be honest when it's everyone's go to move it makes the move uncreative is all.
|
|
|
Post by Abraxas McKnight on May 8, 2018 22:23:11 GMT -5
Yeah man, that was like, yeah I closed the wrong tab and stuff, you know, mistakes were made how about we don't talk about it anymore lol. Sex joke isn't so much in bad taste, it just really isn't all that creative. If you read the RP's in this fed almost everyone tells a sex joke and it's the same damn sex joke is all and it's kind of stale and to be honest when it's everyone's go to move it makes the move uncreative is all. I dig it my friend, just messing with you really. Thanks again for the review!!
|
|
|
Post by Sam Shields on May 9, 2018 13:26:03 GMT -5
I would personally look for a gimmick change. The gentleman and the way he acts doesn't make sense. A former promoter tired of day to day operations, and returning to competition would make more sense. Also, your presentation needs a little work especially with your characters comprehension skills. When there is a response by your opponent, and you don't even mention it you're leaving yourself open to be called out until you take notice. That's how I saw it. It contradicted itself. One moment he's in it for the fun of the business itself, and the next he's talking about who are the bottom feeders, and who are not. Didn't answer a lot of questions for me. For example my character is a hardcore wrestler but he is also a former World Champion. He's never rested on past accomplishments. He is a person and he has a stage name. Not knowing the difference between the two makes you look like an idiot. Don't be afraid to go look and see what his real name is and use that to your advantage. I'm not expecting WCF as a whole to always use his stage name. I want his real name used to create a realistic view of the wrestling world. But you're not going to be able to work as a character that contradicts himself. Especially when he knows next to nothing about his opponents. You're getting too far ahead of yourself. That role play is a wake up call for you to change up some things so you don't get yourself in a bind of having to do it later. My two cents. Over all I would give it an 8.5/10. You just need some minor improvements to set yourself apart from the rest of us. Your character needs to address every word of another character and you need to figure out how you're going to turn it around on us because as a gentleman its just not going to happen. But as something else, whatever that something else is then you can do it. Good luck. I'm awaiting your next piece of work. Respones rps are frowned upon, homie
|
|
|
Post by Corey Black on May 9, 2018 14:37:50 GMT -5
>asks for feedback >gets feedback >isn't happy about feedback
I mean I get it, but I see this a lot. People want feedback, they get it, and then they try to explain why the feedback is wrong, haha. Maybe we should just not respond in our own feedback threads.
|
|
|
Post by Abraxas McKnight on May 9, 2018 14:45:32 GMT -5
Honestly, it wasn't the feedback itself. As you see I loved Vincents. When the feedback seems pointed however, where it mainly focuses on how I talked bout the exact dude giving the feedback, and the words idiot and gimmick change are used I take exception.
|
|
|
Post by Corey Black on May 9, 2018 15:47:41 GMT -5
I get you, my dude. It happens more than just here, this was just the latest one I have seen.
|
|
|
Post by Kid Dynamo on May 9, 2018 16:44:08 GMT -5
This is a huge problem in the Army, where literally every event has to end with an After-Action Review (basically asking for feedback).
What I’ve been told is key to these sessions being efficient and productive is simple:
1) Do not respond to feedback (outside of thanking the person for taking time to respond) 2) Keep the feedback you think will help, silently discard what you think won’t help. (For example, if a suggestion either goes against how you enjoy writing and/or is unreasonable - such as someone telling me to stop RPing on my cell phone and use a laptop like everyone else)
I’m not saying anyone was right or wrong, but just thinking out loud (as a person who will most certainly be a feedback whore once i actually spit out this damn RP) as to how to make this an efficient place to improve.
#ThumbsUpEmoji
|
|
|
Post by Wesley Anderson on May 9, 2018 16:56:53 GMT -5
Honestly, this goes both ways.
Feedback requester- If the feedback isn't usable, ignore it. If its off kilter, don't focus on it. Also, if there is a issue, as you said. PM Box.
Feedback giver- TONE. Never talk to someone like they are stupid, or make yourself come off like you are RIGHT and they are WRONG.
Pretty much all there is to it..
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 9, 2018 17:09:49 GMT -5
Man I WISH I could get this kind of feedback or response on my work. Wesley took the time but I've had countless requests and no bites.
Difference is, if Morbid Wolf had told me the same things, I'd have taken it like a man and used it to improve.
|
|
|
Post by Abraxas McKnight on May 9, 2018 17:19:29 GMT -5
Yeah, I can understand if people may think I over-reacted. I took exception like I said, so I won't play off like I didn't.
My overall feel was that David didn't really seem to read it thoroughly, and then went at my character in a way rather focused on just how I discussed him specifically, not even my entire post.
I apologize for that inconvenience, and promise to avoid it in the future.
Thank you to all who have replied and gave their point of view.
Editted-Didn't really realize my wording at the end xD
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 9, 2018 20:51:30 GMT -5
Abraxas, ever consider calling yourself The Baron or The Butcher?
|
|
James Wolf
Mid-Carder
"Come fight me, bitch!"
Posts: 691
|
Post by James Wolf on May 9, 2018 21:27:29 GMT -5
I just want to be clear the reason I was hard on you Victor is because I'm that hard on myself. If I'm too rough around the edges I apologize but I have too much time on my hands to think. I did read all of it and maybe could have worded off balanced better. But I'm disabled so one of my faults is I can be harsh without considering a persons feelings. So I'll work on that for my next round of feed back so it doesn't come off as me nit picking or being an extremist asshole.
David
|
|