Post by Joe Smarts on Oct 1, 2017 1:22:47 GMT -5
Joe Smarts is walking downtown in his traditional 'I Like Fries' shirt. He walks past many shops, including Walmart, Friday Fries and Burger King. Then he hears a couple steps behind him. He swiftly turns around.
Joe: Hallo!? Who are there?
No response. He keeps on walking.
Now, if you have common sense, you know you shouldn't be walking in the dark alone. When there is no-one around. The problem is, Joe has no common sense whatsoever.
Joe hears a couple more steps behind him.
Joe: ??
He turns his full body around to look behind him, only to be stabbed right in the stomach by a mysterious hooded figure.
Joe: Ow.
The murderer then runs away with his weapon as Joe slowly (and dramatically) falls to the ground.
That's right. Joe has been murdered.
No. You aren't seeing things. Joe. Died.
Crime Scene
0752, Wednesday
<dun dun>
Joe's dead body is surrounded by flashing camera lights and forensic scientists.
Inver Stigator: It looks like we have a stab in the dark.
Inver is a homicide detective. She has blonde hair and pale skin. Think Chloe Decker from Lucifer.
Randy Omguy: Nice one.
Randy is just a guy who hangs around Inver. He kinda looks like Randy Orton except smaller, less muscular and only has two words in his vocabulary.
Inver: Thanks.
Noah Stalgia: Say, boss, whatever happened to the old team?
Noah always enjoys the past for some reason. He looks like Michael Weatherly.
Inver: Well, the writer of this RP has actually never seen Law and Order before.
Noah: Then why is he messing with Law and Order? Hang on... What's an RP? And he's writing... WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
Inver: Shut up, Stalgia.
Inver decides to do some investigating. She finds a wallet.
Inver: Okay. No money in here. He must've been robbed. Wait... There's a dollar bill in here. He's just broke. And this guy is... 'Joe Smarts'
Noah: Like, almost jobber Joe Smarts?
Inver: What? Oh, is he from that wrestling show you watch? WCWWF?
Noah: No! It's simply WCF.
Inver: So. We have an 'almost' jobber that's been stabbed. Say, who is Smarts' biggest rival?
Noah: ...he didn't have much rivals. Sure, he annoyed the fuck out of people, but they wouldn't kill him.
Inver: Well, I guess we have to start with the owner of WCF.
Noah: Seth Lerch?
Inver: Why do you expect me to fucking know who the owner is?
-----
Interrogation Room
0831, Wednesday
<dun dun>
Inver and Seth are sitting at a table opposite from each other inside the interrogation room. Noah and Randy are looking through the mirror/window thingy.
Seth: Eurgherg...
Inver: Sir, what is the problem?
Seth: It's so early...
Inver: Okay, sooner this is done, sooner you can go to back to sleep. So, do you know Joe Smarts?
Seth: Um... Oh, that dumb piece of shit. He really got on my nerves.
Inver: He's dead.
Seth: What? Oh... Shit. Look, even though he was annoying, I would never kill him.
Inver: Okay, where were you last night?
Seth: I was watching Netflix. And chilling...
Inver: So... Watching Rick and Morty while eating ice cream for dinner?
Seth: ...Yes...
Inver: Can anyone confirm you were there?
Seth (very quietly): ...my Mum...
Inver: Hm?
Seth (very quietly): ...my Mum...
Inver: You'll have to speak up.
Seth (very loud yell): MY MUM!!!
<silence>
Randy and Noah start laughing.
Inver: So you live with your mum... Eating ice cream and watching Rick and Morty.
Seth: ...yes...
Inver: Well...
Seth: Just saying, I probably would kill Joe if I had to spend time with 24/7.
Inver: 24/7?
Suddenly, Noah comes bursting through the interrogation door.
Noah: Jeff, Jimmy and Jemma!
Inver: What?
Noah: Jeff, Jimmy and Jemma would spend 24/7 with them.
Inver: Nice. Seth you can go eat ice cream in your mum's house again.
Seth: I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Seth runs out the room.
-----
Jemma's House
1006, Wednesday
<dun dun>
Inver, Randy and Noah knock on the door.
Noah: It's the police.
Jemma opens the door.
Jemma: What've I done now?
Inver: We're just gonna ask a few questions
Jemma: ...come in.
The crew walked into a pigsty. Clothes were on the floor, a slice of pizza was in a tub of out of date Greek yoghurt, flies were everywhere, and there was even a goose wandering around.
Jemma: Sorry bout the mess.
Inver: What's the goose's name?
Jemma: Lucy Goosey.
Inver: Well, we're investigating a murder that seems to be... A wild Lucy Goosey chase.
Randy: Nice one.
Noah: Your friend Joe Smarts has been killed.
Jemma: ...what?
Noah: I said...
Jemma: I know what you fucking said.
Jemma starts crying a little bit.
Jemma: I mean, as... He was one little annoying shit, but why would someone kill him?
Inver: That's what we're trying to find out.
Noah: Whereabouts where you last night?
Jemma: At the bar with Jimmy and Jeff.
Inver: Why wasn't Joe there?
Jemma: Didn't want to. Can't remember why.
Noah: Great. Nice talking with you.
Inver, Noah and Randy walk away.
-----
Jimmy's House
1041, Wednesday
<dun dun>
The crew enter Jimmy's house after receiving a warm welcome. Unlike Jemma's house, Jimmy's was spotless.
Jimmy: So, what's up?
Noah: Your friend has been killed.
Jimmy: I told Jeff he shouldn't look for the Crystal Skull.
Inver: Um... We're talking about Joe Smarts.
Jimmy: ...how?
Inver: He was stabbed last night.
Jimmy: That's a shame. He was gonna participate in War this Sunday.
Inver: War?
Noah: It's this massive match where a whole heap of wrestlers enter the ring one at a time every 90 seconds. You're eliminated when you get pinned. Last man standing wins.
Inver: So, each contestant is a suspect...
Jimmy: Actually... Joe, well, let's just say he isn't the favourite. In fact, Hajeet would probably have more of a chance of winning than Joe.
Inver: Well, thank you for your time.
-----
Jeff's House
1127, Wednesday
<dun dun>
Jeff opens his door to see Randy, Inver and Noah.
Jeff: Whoa, police. Come in.
Jeff's house had a few clothes on the floor, other than that, the house was clean.
Jeff: What's up?
Inver: Well, Joe Smarts has been killed.
Jeff is in shock, but his reaction almost seems fake.
Jeff: Whoa- this is... A lot to take in.
Noah: He was stabbed last night.
Jeff starts to sweat a little bit.
Inver: Where were you last night?
Jeff: Uh... Jimmy and Jemma and I, uh, were at Shoney's.
Jeff sweats a bit more.
Jeff: Gee, it's hot
Noah: It's 17 degrees (NOTE: in Celsius. Convert that Fahrenheit Freaks)
Jeff: That's unusually cold for this time of year...
Noah: I know, right!
Inver: Jeff. You seem awfully nervous.
Jeff: What?
He looks around the room.
Inver slams her hands on the nearest table.
Inver: Look, if you know anything... Say it?
Jeff: Uh... Double... Kill... Not Real... Say it... Die...
Noah: Sorry, we didn't understand.
Jeff: Look, I've said too much. Please leave.
-----
Police Station
1724, Wednesday
<dun dun>
Inver: I don't know. I just don't know.
Noah: What?
Inver: The Smarts case.
Noah: Come on, it's definitely Jeff.
Inver: Yes, he was nervous. But he said 'I've said too much'. This makes him seem like a victim here.
Noah: Okay, boss. How bout you just call it a day. You might work it out tomorrow.
Inver: Fine. Meet me at the crime scene at 9 o'clock.
-----
Crime Scene
0900, Thursday
<dun dun>
Inver: Howdy Noah.
Noah: Howdy.
Inver: So... he's broke. That surely means something.
Noah: He likes fries. What's that expensive cafe with that fries challenge called?
Inver: Friday Fries?
Noah: Yeah! So, he must've spent all his cash there, and he was walking from there to his house.
Inver: Nice thinking Stalgia. Now, look over here. There's a fry here.
Noah: Looks like a McDonald's fry.
Inver: ?
Noah: Every single restaurant/cafe make their fries differently...
Inver: Okay. This McDonald's fry, well, Joe can't have dropped it. He hadn't walked that far yet.
Noah: His friends were at the bar. His fellow wrestlers wouldn't care about him. His boss was eating ice cream last night. That means...
Inver: It can't be...
-----
Person's House
0908, Thursday.
The police break down the door. They walk around, looking for the murderer. Then they hear the Paw Patrol theme song. They run into the lounge room, and they see Joe Smarts watching Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Joe: WHOA!
Noah: Joe, explain how you killed yourself and still live.
Joe: Simples. I saw Professors Frizzy from dat Magic Schoolies Bus show. I asks if she could does anything amazeballing. She says she does make a clone of I. So...
Inver: You thought you could fake your own death.
Joe: Does you know why?
Noah: So you didn't have to participate in War?
Joe: Yes. I knows I is gunna loss.
Inver: Well, considering what you did is very illegal, I'll give you a choice. You can either get arrested and probably spend some years in jail, or you can torture yourself in War.
Joe: ...War...
Inver: Okay...
-----
Afterwards, Inver, Noah and Randy celebrated.
Noah: Say, do you think we'll appear in another one of Joe's RPs?
Inver: Probably not.
Noah: Oh... Okay.
