WAR Petrov Part 2: Untested

[petrov]

Part 1: In The Field

Man: You see that?! Look at what this system is capable of!

Standing next to his colleague, we find both male and female scientists responsible for the Petrov experiments observing a man striking away at a field of dummies in a small training room.

Woman: So this guy is able to beat up on a few bots and you think that means Petrov will be able to step into WAR and take the heads off of forty plus others?

Man: Are we looking at the same guy right now?

Woman: Yeah, but-

Man: Then how is there a doubt? That’s a disabled veteran you’re looking at right now and he’s not only walking, but he’s adapting to combat, picking up every little thing the bots throw at him. This sort of work right here is what changes the world.

Woman: I think Petrov’s case is a little more extreme though. We repaired the original and made 2.0 something that can function as it once was and that’s great. I’m not saying to throw in the towel with this one, but he’s wired different. You really think we’ll be able to make a superstar out of a known jobber like that?

Man: I know we will.

Woman: Just don’t leave us with a real life Lazarus Effect on our hands, alright?

Man: Hey, do I look like someone who’s going to half-ass it here?

Woman: No, but I hope you don’t get too bent out of shape if the results aren’t what you hoped-

She’s interrupted by a loud crack as the veteran’s fist pierces through the midsection of a training bot with one clean strike.

Woman: ...what you hoped for.

Man: 3.0 is gonna make this look juvenile. Just give me a little more time and I’ll have both our families eating like kings a dozen generations after we’ve already passed on.

Woman: We’ll see..

Part 2: Project Petrov Continues

After hours, the male scientist finds himself wide eyed and focused once more on his programming, his face showing 3am exhaustion as he types away frantically.

HANK HERRON

(GREGORY ST. MATTHEWS MEETS BOMBER MEETS AARON HERNANDEZ)

Threat level: 4.5/10

While we don’t know much about Hank Herron at this point, we do know enough. Hank is both half the addict that Greg is and half the soldier Bomber was. We’re looking at a man discharged from one type of war who finds himself seeking redemption through his participation in another. Any comparative experience he feels he may have here should be assumed as dated and nowhere near close enough to what he will face in WCF’s WAR. Once he starts to realize just how rusty he is and sees a field of competitors much more in control of the situation, his mental will slip once again. Hank is easy to pick off here as long as you wait for him to crumble.

AGIMAT

(PROUD FILIPINO BOY AND THAT’S PRETTY MUCH IT)

Threat level: Tourist scam/10

Agimat comes into WAR with a lot of pride, estrogen, and a Rosie the Riveter sort of spunk to him. Even with a “we can do it!” attitude, Agimat should be one of the easiest to topple in this match, especially considering his malnourished form. This is a rookie who will not even be listed in betting odds and likely has a better chance of Kim Jong Un “accidentally” dropping a missile on his doorstep as he mistakes the Philippines as Japan’s special needs step brother than he does winning this match. This matchup is beyond David versus Goliath. None of his offense should phase you and one or two power moves should be enough to make Seth Lerch move his contract back to the spam folder where it belongs.

TANNER TALL/DERRICK TUFF

(SHAPESHIFTERS, SHOULD BE BURNED FOR WITCHCRAFT)

Threat level: 3/16

Tanner and Derrick come to us with a proud lack of originality, stealing more bits from their peers than Amy Schumer browsing Netflix. While they enjoy ripping off others, these two would love to steal a WAR win in 2017. I’d warn you not to let them, but in a match with so many variables, these two will be left to try freestyling their way to victory. The amount of uncertainty they’ll find themselves experiencing may make Tall and Tuff the most non-existent people in this match. There’s a solid chance you won’t even touch these guys as they’ll likely have to turn around and leave prior to making any sort of real splash. If you must, just boot them both in the face and go on about your business.

MATTHEW DRAKE

(OPPORTUNIST HEEL FROM ATLANTA, SO BASICALLY A GUY FROM ATLANTA)

Threat level: 4.75/10

Matthew Drake comes into this one with the same lackluster ability as any of the other low level prospects competing for a shot at gold. While Matthew appears driven by his lust for such gold, the odds of him obtaining a participation ribbon are still quite low. What you face here is another young spastic looking for his claim to fame and legitimacy, coming to the squared circle with D list talent and less personality than his equals. Given his drive for the top prize and false confidence, poor decision making is to be expected as you face another man falling into the group of headstrong try hards.

BIOHAZARD

(SPITS OOZE, HATES CAPITAL LETTERS)

Threat level: 11/10

Some may consider Biohazard to be the match’s top participant. Of course, many of those people may be from one of the alternate world’s in which Biohazard has claimed to have won many world championships already. He’ll steal your girlfriend, call up Tyler Walker, fly up to the moon, tag team her, and fly back down just to cough up a toxic loogie on your doorstep. While he isn’t known for having much traditional success in WCF, Biohazard is a long time veteran who certainly knows more about the nature of things than many of the rookies coming into this match. As long as you look out for the ooze, you should be fine.

JOE SMARTS

(IRONICALLY NOT SMART, A CONCUSSION BASED LAWSUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN)

Threat level: @/R

Joe Smarts won’t win this match. He probably won’t even get one elimination as he’ll assume it to be an over the top rope battle royal. What Joe Smarts may do is leave those who haven’t seen his antics on display yet scratching their heads. Joe Smarts may do something so idiotic that half the active competitors at that time will eat pins from being distracted. You know how to fight, you know how to adapt and strategize. Joe Smarts may not remember his own middle name. Flip him up and get him in position for that “F You” powerbomb, but don’t hit it the right way. Instead, go ahead and drop him on his neck so there’s a valid excuse to put this half-witted individual in an institution where he belongs.

WOLF

(FORMER WAR HERO, HAS A FIRST NAME ALSO, BUT NOBODY IS SELLING THAT)

Threat level: AWOOOOOOOO!!!

Wolf is a man who built a name very early on for an impressive rookie performance in the WAR match. He quickly was able to gain a hefty cult following with the popular “awoooo!!!” chant that can still be heard in the rafters of WCF arena’s to this day. Wolf rode the hype train big time back then, but this is your time, not his. He’s a tough competitor, but not like you are. Assert your dominance and soak in the boos of animal rights groups everywhere.

BERNARD CORE

(WAS ALMOST A CHAMPION ONCE, BELIEVES IN A FLAT EARTH)

Threat level: 7+7=10+4=”Fuck you, buddy”

If you can sense my joking demeanor here, then you probably already know why I find a matchup with Mr. Core to be ridiculous. A believer in made up mathematics will pose no threat to someone like you, someone programmed to constantly learn and adapt to whatever situation is thrown at you. You will make this man bow, make him hurt, and turn the teacher into the student. If you don’t kill him, that just means Mikey eXtreme will have done so first.

CALEB RONAN

(A DIET SJW, UNIRONICALLY ENJOYS PORTLANDIA)

Threat level: 5/10

Basically, what you see from WCF’s current Omega Champion is what audiences once had to endure during Caleb Ronan’s prior tenure in the company. The difference is one is entertaining and the other is Bollywood Spiderman. He’ll probably no show once he realizes how many people are into the match as well as how many are watching either at home or in arena. Also, Japan has gotten too mainstream or something. No major tips for this one. Just give hit him with a good combo. He’s weak willed, he’ll probably just die from a good strike or two since he lacks real protein.

CLIFF OF DOOM

(A MIX OF THE LAST TWO GUYS, IS A SINGLE MOTHER OR SOMETHING)

Threat level: Supposed to be permanently retired/10

Let me just start by quoting WCF.com here:

“Plus, he’s still being held to the promise that he made to his wife when he started in the WCF: if he doesn’t win the WCF World Championship by August 28, 2017 (one year to the day of his debut), he will retire from wrestling for good.”

Straight from the profile of Cliff himself. What we can gather from this is that Cliff must not respect his wife and you can definitely have sex with her since she’s likely packing her bags while he’s in Japan. Why? Because Cliff may have forgotten, but she didn’t. Women never forget. Throw Cliff’s to the rocks below and meet Mrs. Doom up at lover’s lane to give her the bidniz.

BIFF MUSTACHE

(IS A SEVENTH GRADE BOY, GROWS A POOR STACHE)

Threat level: 7/10

I could sit here and fill your mind with jokes about Biff compensating or how juvenile the man is, but surprisingly enough, he has found success elsewhere. As a part of the UCI roster, Biff was able to capture tag team gold and even weasel his way near the world title thanks in part to contributions from his loyal family. However, The Mustaches are more effective as a pack. Without his family and friends, Biff should be much more vulnerable, especially against someone of your size. Powerbomb the peach fuzz off his thirteen year old face and call it a day.

DED MEMRY

(SUFFERS FROM BRAIN DAMAGE, WON’T REMEMBER HOW HE GOT WAR ENTRY)

Threat level: ?/?

If you don’t feel you know much about Ded Memry, don’t worry neither does he. If he’s hoping to obtain more answers and continue to piece together the puzzle at WAR, he’ll be in for a rude awakening, perhaps more confused while he asks himself “What happened?” after bumping into you. This is someone who comes in with a personal feeling of uncertainty. He can’t match or even come close to your confidence and ability, because he’s unsure where his own stands. This is easy pickings.

BISHOP

(BLAST FROM THE PAST, ELEVEN MILLIONTH PERSON WHO HATES GRAVEDIGGER)

Threat level: 6/10

He’s a championship contender, yes, but Bishop knows why he couldn’t pull off the upset against rival Gravedigger. While the sport has continued to evolve, Bishop has come in with intel and strategies that could be argued as very dated. This man is still trying to adapt while that will be your very strength. While many will find themselves figuring out what it is they most throw at you, Bishop may do so more than any other competitor. Keep changing up the offensive approach and make this man’s head spin.

DAG RIDDIK

(A MORE HONEST THOMAS BATES, MULTI-TIME CHAMPION)

Threat level: 8/10

Dag Riddik is considered by many to be one of the most promising “new guys” in the past few years. Known for his outspoken nature and controversial views, Dag developed a reputation for having a sharp tongue and being more than capable of handling himself against the best that WCF has had to offer him. From his days as International Champion to his reign of terror and suffocating quantitative shitposting as Internet Champion, Dag has showcased a great sense of endurance and ability to fight for the long haul.

A match like WAR should be tailor made for Dag. He’s sort of like a white Andre Holmes in the sense that he’s got a thing for surrounding himself with powerful company whether it be with The Family or his short lived tenure with the Pantheon revival. The difference perhaps is that Andre Holmes may have a history of leaning a bit more on his alliances. Dag may attach his brand to a group of influential individuals, but is someone who does so with intent to capitalize and cash in for individual success more than anything.

Dag may be one of the closest competitors to you in this match, but while he is simply a man made for marathons, you’re the closest thing this match will see to an actual machine without being one. Challenge Dag and make him raise the bar like only you can. Just like with any other competitor in this match not named Petrov, he will crack sooner or later. Dag is a test for you and I expect that you will pass it with flying colors. Pull out the big guns here.

DAVID SANCHEZ

(WON A FEW THINGS, MAY HAVE BEEN CAPTURED BY ALIENS OR SOMETHING)

Threat level: Either 10/10 or 2/10, there’s no in between and it depends on the potential presence of anal probing.

David Sanchez is THE GUY, right? He’s been championed by the wrestling community as the next big thing and on occasion, has won some matches that helped fuel that belief. The important part to remember is “on occasion” though. As in “On occasion, David Sanchez has defeated legends and terrorized the midcard with his finger pointed ahead, but that’s only sometimes.” Yeah, sometimes. While Sanchez always seems to come back around to locking eyes with that elusive world championship or the permanent spot at the top of the card that himself and many others feel he deserves, David’s stare seems almost glossy from time to time.

What has Sanchez done in response to such inconsistency and shortcomings? He’s brought the 8 Mile approach to a wrestling ring, trying to flip the “choke artist” moniker his peers have thrown his way into something that illustrates his confidence in his in ring abilities. Maybe such a thing would work if his most recent outing didn’t see him easily forking over the internet championship to one half of Very Big Security. At this point, some may wonder if David’s future in the company is disappearing and how much of an impact he can have on the landscape going forward.

This man is a hard hitter though. While WAR will likely see Sanchez continue his “choke artist” ways, that’s not to say that he can’t take a few people down with him in the process. He’s still probably going to end up getting in his own way, but just to be safe, I advise that you do what you can to avoid Medusa’s touch. I ask you not to become the new choke artist here. You’ve already lost your head once before, don’t let somebody like David Sanchez make it happen again.

JAYSON PRICE

(TAG CHAMPION, FORMER EVERYTHING)

Threat level: 10/10

As it stands right now, Jayson Price may not be looked at as a favorite to win this match. Unlike some of his veteran peers, Jayson Price is someone who has not yet won a WAR match. Being a fan of hoarding accomplishments like an old woman with feline children, Price will view this as his window, his time to take that the biggest accolade of his career. While his name doesn’t carry the same weight here as an Odin Balfore or a Gravedigger, Jayson Price has won basically everything else under the sun over the span of what many consider to be a hall of fame career just waiting for an official induction.

While Price is the current tag champion, I expect that any team effort between him and Andre Holmes will be short lived due to their individual desires to take this match by any means necessary. Price has as good of a shot as anybody of taking the match this year, but the pressure is up and if there’s a weakness you can point to that’s exploitable, it’s his ego. This is another man who expects little to no in match production from you. Add to the pressures of the match by barreling into him like a freight train.

SIDNEY J. WARWICK

(FORMER ALPHA CHAMPION, CURRENT OMEGA CHAMPION, SOON TO BE BETA)

Threat level: 8.25/10

Regardless of what the locker room has to say about Sidney Warwick, he continues to be white hot as one of the best newcomers in WCF in quite some time. He’s currently on his second title reign and doesn’t look to be stopping anytime soon. Many are predicting this man to put on a breakout WAR peformance and while this is most likely true, these things still come to an end. Just like Wolf and Stephen Singh before him, you should expect to see SJW pick up three or four impressive eliminations and garner a lot of momentum around the middle of the match before being pinned somewhere in range of the final five or six competitors.

Everyone has their own scouting reports. While Sid represents the current politically correct mindset and gives it added legitimacy via his own successes, you will be a tougher nut to crack for him. While he may find an easier approach when up against someone such as Dag Riddik or Gravedigger who are often accused of being bigoted, SJW will be confused by your enjoyment of both the male and female anus as well as what some may see as “toxic masculinity” out of you. He’ll may wonder if you are with him or against him in the fight. Answer his question quickly by leaving him disfigured and asking where he went wrong.

ODIN BALFORE

(HALL OF FAMER TALENT, SURPRISINGLY HASN’T WON THIS YET)

Threat level: 10/10

Odin Balfore is a god among men in the ring and WAR is where he shines the most. While he hasn’t been able to win one of them just yet, he’s the proud owner of an eliminations record that continues to grow and be self-bested year after year. Forget where the single match record stands right now, Odin may just top himself and eliminate everyone that you don’t get your hands on first this year. While I expect you to walk out victorious, I also expect Odin to fall no lower than the final four. If by some chance he eliminates you (which he has perhaps the best chance of doing out of anybody), this man will win the match. Plain and simple.

Now, how do you take down a god? It’s not going to be easy. You have to adapt to this man more than the rest. Pay close attention to how he’s moving, his speed, and what moves he’s bringing out of his arsenal. The one thing you will have is the ability to continue expanding your physical capabilities. Odin may be a wrestling god, but that doesn’t really mean we’ll see him utilizing in ring styles outside of his comfort zone to take on the opponent. In this, you will be a jack of all trades. I don’t care if you have to go aerial or put a dent in his temple, just get the job done and don’t be afraid to apply that versatility against this powerhouse of a fighter.

JAY OMEGA

(FORMER WORLD CHAMP AND 1X WAR WINNER, VERY CONFIDENT)

Threat level: 10/10

Here we are, planning against another former WAR winner who is probably getting baked and watching Rick and Morty in a spaceship rather than doing any serious training. Jay Omega is a worthy foe who has both won WAR and managed to grab the prize that WAR winners aspire to gain as they approach the end of year. He’s no stranger to criticism in recent memory, but Omega is top notch between the ropes and due to his experience fighting all sorts of threats across the known universe, may be most prepared to combat you in Japan.

Omega is as cocky as they come, firmly believing that he’s a lock to take this thing a second time. While he may be capable of besting anyone that Seth Lerch throws his way, it’s not a guarantee that he does so if he manages to fumble from his own bloated confidence. When up against most people, Omega will impress, but when faced with people who give him an honest run for his money, Jay will be shaken a bit. What that ego of his tells him is that he’s the greatest there is. It puts him in a spot mentally where he’s almost “above it all”, seemingly above the grit and grind that others are putting forth. He’s not. Nobody is. Omega will tuck tail and be sent home when pressed. Final five? Definitely. Will he win? Not this time. Expect to see the re-re-return of Jay Omega in time for WAR 2018.

The man cracks his knuckles, preparing to dive into another round of programming when his phone begins to vibrate with the screen emitting a soft glow.

INCOMING CALL…

Not right now, dammit..

INCOMING CALL…

I don’t have time for distractions right now.

INCOMING CALL…

Give it a fucking rest.

He shakes his head as he swipes his thumb across the screen to dismiss the call. As he goes to place his fingers over his keyboard once more, the glow and buzz returns.

INCOMING CALL…

Oh my god!

He raises the phone once more and swipes in the opposite direction.

Man: Look, I’m very busy with the project right now and I’d appreciate if we could talk later...AFTER I’m finished up for the night.

With the speakerphone on, his female co-worker answers back with a sense of urgency.

Woman: I know, I know. It’s about work.

Man: I’m making a lot of progress with Petrov. You sure this can’t wait?

Woman: I’m sure.

Man: What do you need from me?

Woman: I’m sitting with the veteran we were running through the training course earlier today and he’s been having some issues with his leg alterations.

Man: What kind of issues?

Woman: They’re still reacting, just not how they’re intended. It almost seems like they’re shorting out. He’s saying he doesn’t feel like he has control over his movement.

Man: Fuck….alright, I’ll be over in a bit just let me wrap up what I’m doing here and I’ll be over.

Woman: You’re a lifesav-

*CLICK*

He shakes his head in frustration and rubs at his drooping eyelids as he places his hands over the keys once more.

Just a few more..

The scientist feels his eyes close further for a moment as his head sags down in front of the monitor. Not a minute later, he jolts a wake at the sound of cracking. He rubs at his eyes and scans the area a bit. As he looks over the chamber to his left, he falls back in horror. The cracking in question is coming from the container currently housing Petrov 3.0 who stares right back into the scientist’s own eyes.

Man: Stop!

The glass continues to splinter as he tries to inch himself towards the door.

Man: You’re not ready!

Time seems to freeze as glass and water rush forward, leaving the scientist gasping for air. Petrov’s bare feet crunch against splinters and shards as he steps out into the room. His programmer turns over, looking up at the towering Petrov.

Man: P...Petrov….you’re...you’re not ready yet. We’ve still got programming to do…

Petrov senses the fear, taking a second to analyze the creator.

?
Threat level: ?/?

Man: Petrov, stop! I am your-

Petrov reaches down and lifts the man up by the throat before launching him across the room and leaving him in a heap in front of blinking and sparking machinery. The room goes silent as Petrov cracks his neck before picking up his creator’s stool and throwing it through one of the lab’s glass windows. He steps out into the main area of the labs, leaving behind a mess of wreckage as he catches sight of his exit.